“All the wonders you seek are within yourself.” ~Sir Thomas Browne
Anyone who has ever gone through some sort of heartbreak knows what awful pain it can cause, both physically and mentally. It can be devastating, shattering, and overwhelming for your spirit.
In the beginning of 2012 I had my heart broken by a person who I thought was “the one.”
Between tears and desperate calls, I found myself searching the Internet for remedies to get over an ex. I knew I was a strong person, but I just couldn’t see anything becoming brighter or better ever.
I constantly needed family and friends to reassure me that I was going to be okay. It even came to a point where I started worrying about the physical agony, as I felt intense aching in my heart and around the chest area. I worried that this would be something I had to learn to live with.
One day I realized that I couldn’t let heartache and depression destroy my life, and then found some helpful ways to heal and become happy again, even finding a sort of joy and self-worth I hadn’t experienced before the break-up.
I also had the amazing opportunity to share these tips with Tiny Buddha readers in my first post “10 Tips to Help Relieve Depression and Heartache.”
During my healing period I often found myself questioning the idea of “Mr. Right” or “the one”—that special someone to sweep us off our feet and make us feel complete.
People in my life would tell me that once I found someone new I would get over my ex. This sounded comforting, but when you feel like your life is crushed, a new love interest isn’t really a top priority, even though a rebound-partner can feel like the right solution at times.
Also, I wondered what I could possibly offer someone with my wounded spirit. I knew I had to find another type of “Mr. Right,” and to my surprise, I did. More precisely, I found “Miss Right”—and that is me.
For little more than a year I have been dating me. I’ve been in a loving relationship with myself that has had its ups and downs, just like any other relationship.
I strongly believe something good always comes out of something bad. So, if you are at sitting at home with a broken heart searching the web for any kind of hope of recovering, these tips may help.
1. Be your own sweetheart.
Just like in a romantic relationship, where you do kind things for your significant other, you should do kind things for yourself.
Take yourself out to the places you’ve always wanted to go. Write yourself loving notes and practice daily affirmations where you tell yourself the things you formerly wanted your partner to tell you.
I buy myself flowers and I lovingly wrap my arms around myself while I sit in stillness to embrace self-love. Try it!
2. Laugh out loud whenever possible.
There is no better medicine for your spirit than a good laugh. Yes, the heartbreak will remind you of your suffering, but I’ve noticed that the human body and mind are so wonderful that they allow you to smile, even during dark times.
Find reasons to smile and laugh whenever you can, even if it’s just for short-lived moments. (A great post to read on this topic: Why It’s Essential to Find Humor During Your Darkest Hours.)
3. Practice self-compassion.
When you feel sad or lonely, tell yourself the caring things you would tell a friend in need—for example, that it’s perfectly okay to feel distress and anxiety, but that this too shall pass.
You are still a good, strong, and lovely person. The truth is, even if you are single, you are never alone. You are always surrounded by loving energy from friends and/or family, and the universe/higher power.
4. Consider yourself single and ready to mingle—with yourself!
Know that you don’t need a romantic partner to be complete. Be your own soul mate and strive to feel whole from within, and you will find that sense of completeness.
When you are ready to love again, you will meet that special person to share a beautiful love story with. But for now, focus on yourself. That way, when you eventually meet someone, you’ll come to the relationship whole, not someone who feels lacking.
5. Know that it’s okay to be angry as long as you are gentle with yourself and willing to forgive.
You’ve probably read a lot about the importance of forgiveness. I agree that forgiveness is essential to move on, but we also need to know that it’s okay not to be able to forgive in an instant moment, weeks, or even months.
Don’t stress out when people around you encourage you to forgive. All you need to do is have patience with yourself for not being capable of forgiving just yet. Let the emotions of anger, hurt, and disappointment be released first.
It took me a long time to learn how to forgive myself and my ex, but I finally did and it has set me free. I now understand his reasons for breaking up with me, even though I may not agree with them.
The key is to be gentle and keep your anger at a healthy level. Don’t punish or attack yourself for what has already happened. Instead, try to grow and learn from the experience.
—
Do I still look for the romantic version of ”the one”? I am not searching; I feel confident that he will show when the time is right, and when I’m ready to share my new wonderful me with someone. But for the time being, I enjoy being with myself.
Do you?
Photo by William Terra
About Julia Humphrey
Julia Humphrey is a Sweden-based lifestyle and travel writer for the UK online IDEAL magazine. She is also a recurrent guest blogger on her sister’s photograph and lifestyle blog. When she is not writing, she enjoys meditating, yoga, learning foreign languages, traveling, and connecting with new people. Connect with her @JuliaLHumphrey on twitter and at renehumphrey.blogspot.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
The short lived happiness a forced smile or change of perspective can bring is well worth the effort!
Thank you for putting this together for us Julia!
thank you, it was great to read it
I do! Thank you for the post Julia! I read your first post and actually wrote it out on some cue cards that are tacked onto my board I wake up to every morning. I went through quite a similar journey as yourself, but mine started in the latter half of 2012. I’m so glad that you’ve come so far! That is fantastic growth right there! Kudos!!! 🙂
Thank You Julia. Awesome Post.
http://www.theinternallight.com
Much needed Julia… Thank you!
I do!
While you have done a great job of expressing how to deal with the initial steps of dealing with heartbreak, you haven’t explained how to move forward and create a new relationship. I find that so many inspirational articles about getting over an ex end there with the writer saying that they have embraced themselves and won’t look for love in another person and assume that they don’t have to do anything and the next partner will appear out of nowhere while they are focusing on self love. However, when being single goes on for years after a heartbreak and no new partner is showing up, and your social circles become more limiting as you age and there are very few people around you who are not busy with their spouse or children, I feel that what is actually going on is that you have only completed the first step of overcoming heartbreak. Getting to the point where you can actually meet and open your heart to another partner is the second part and I believe it doesn’t happen by you getting very comfortable with the fact that you are single and just focusing on self love. Opening your heart again is the most challenging task of this whole process. Actually becoming vulnerable again to another human being is a huge leap. We can shy away from this leap in the name of self love yet ultimately, we may really be avoiding intimacy as a result of not overcoming the previous experience. I think many of us are stuck in this place, afraid to move forward and actually have our hearts closed to intimacy with another.
Thank you Julia. This came in handy.
You have to love yourself first; you are the most important to deserve compassion and love before extending it to anyone else. Good points as many are in or will be in a similar situation eventually.
Hello, thank you for the article. It is all so true and easier read than done. Allowing myself to “go through” the range of emotions and not “get over” it has been helping me immensely. I need all the support I can get and I’m reading a lot these days!
Just what i needed at the moment. Going through such a difficult time. THANK YOU.
After suffering from a devastating break-up (6 year relationship) last year, I fell into depression, my anxiety sky-rocketed and my grades were effected. I felt so alone, like no one was there, and in fear of being ridiculed I told no one of what I was going through. I tried to fill the void with not so traditional ways; you know, a holistic approach, it helped but it was only temporary. I blamed myself and pondered on how I left something so magnificent slip my fingers and started to regret many things and many friends, but nothing would help. I tried replacing the best thing that had ever happened to me but those nights didn’t last, and I sure did not feel any better. If anything, I felt worse, mostly because I just used someone for my own well-being and that too, made me feel like jerk. I found myself becoming a hermit crab, just burrowing myself from the world. A year and a few months later I still find myself struggling with the loss but I have noticed a change in me. I am making slow progress and feel slightly happier each day. To be frank, what kept me sane was the few items I have in my possession, gifts which came from her. I come across her picture every now and then on social websites due to mutual friends, but just seeing her, her smile, gives me just enough hope. Hope. That one day, I will find some one as perfect as she was, but better because it’s fate. I don’t regret her or our relationship because at some point it was what we both wanted, and in that time, we both were happy. How you carry yourself during a difficult time really defines who you are and your self-worth. The end of something is the beginning of greater things to come. Be strong, we can get through this
I think you got a good point on this one. I’ve been dealing for a long time with this situation of overcoming heartbreak and with time I seem to have created a shield around me with my ” self-sufficiency” act. I can take care of myself and my dreams and goals and engage in all sorts of activities that I like but I’m terrified at the idea of letting someone else in, and be so vulnerable again. The real test of our self love and compassion are the relationships we create and the willingness to share again and again. Nevertheless I appreciate the advice of the author cuz u know how the saying goes” you gotta be ” ms. always right” in order to get a “mr. right” 🙂
Good post! and I really like these replies! But I’ve also heard it said
even if someone or something gave you “step by step” instructions on
how to move forward, create new relationships, teach you to open up, etc. I am willing to bet
a.) it would’nt be what you want to hear b.) it would still be hard. Not to
mention how different we all are, what works for you, may not work for
me
and so on. So I think that’s the challenge of this article (and many of
the “inspirational articles” that we all read), doing those 5 suggested steps is supposed to a daily challenge, a ‘work order’ if you will, that may last for days, months, or yes…even YEARS. Thats the tough love portion of this response. Eventually though, it stops becoming ‘work’ and just a way of life. In fact, you can take it a step further and conclude that these are good things to keep in mind for the rest of your entire life whether you are going through a heartbreak or not, understanding that, even after you get back into a relationship (and we ALL will), you still have to BE yourself and LOVE yourself just the same. We may as well start now!
Exactly!
Learning to love yourself and take life for yourself is the first step. But after some time you need to find another person to love, you need to go out and have fun and you need friends to support you.
Cheers
I’m coming up to the fourth anniversary of finding my beloved husband in bed with my ex-friend. I’m still not over the betrayal. I cannot forgive her because of the pain, and now she’s marrying someone else! My poor husband died 6 months later in a car crash.
I know I am a complete emotional wreck and need to heal but I agree with Rose; how do we find a partner who will want to be part of a relationship with me and my children? He won’t magically appear. I don’t go out much so I tried online dating. I had 132 men look at my profile but not one of them contacted me. So, of course, my self-confidence plummeted.
How did my husband’s girlfriend find someone new? And so quickly? Less than 5 months after his death she was out and about with her new boyfriend. I can’t even face the thought of going through the issue of meeting someone and getting to know them. So how do we find that other person? How do people replace their partners so quickly?
I am content to be by myself, but there are times when I yearn to hold and to be held by a special someone who cares for me, and wrapping my arms around myself is not going to do it.
Thank you so much for posting this. I am currently going through a seven year break up & this help tremendously! Thank you for sharing your story, it’s motivating. I am excited to begin the relationship with myself since I feel that “I” have been neglected. It is time for me to live life for myself.:)
I totally agree with you Rose. In the past I’ve retreated and hid away for years after a breakup. The hardest part is to get back out there and risk rejection and vulnerability again. But the reward is that is exactly when I find myself feeling most alive! – carla m. holden
Thank you ranni!
I agree! Thank you! x
Lucia, Thank you so much! I am so happy to hear my previous post was helpful to you. I really like the cue cards idea!! The broken heart journey can be tough, but you will get through it! x
Thank you for reading and commenting! x
Thank You!! x
Thank you Kimberly, Im glad it came in handy! x
Rose, Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. You put down some very interesting points and I agree completely that an article that meets the second step (opening your heart again to someone new) would be a great read. Thank you for pointing this out, it is important!
Well said!! x
Thank you for this comment! Just like Rose pointed out; an article about how to love again without being afraid would be a great read.
I am sorryto hear you are going through a difficult time. Healing from a broken heart takes time and patience. Hang in there! Thank you for reading and commenting! Big hugs x
Thank you so much! Its comments like yours that makes me happy that I share my own experiences. I am so glad this post was helpful to you! And I am happy to hear that your are excited! It is exciting to getting to know ourselves! Thank you for reading and taking time to write a comment! Hugs to you! x
I absolutely agree Valerie. Thank you!! x
awesome! 🙂
Thank you! and well said! going through rather than getting over the emotions is very helpful. I completely agree.
Know that you are supported! Healing from a broken heart takes time and patience but we do get through it! x
Thank you, Julia!
I think it’s definitely important to move on and give love another chance. The time frame for when that feels right varies for each individual; I personally like the old ‘one month alone for every year you were together’. We are social creatures and loneliness is a killer, especially as we get older. I had five long term relationships, and the most memorable thing about them was the break-up, because it was always so traumatic. Did it stop me from looking for that illusive great love? No, it didn’t. At 33, I jumped on a dating site and, exchanged two emails with a guy I just knew was Mr right, met at a coffee shop a week later on a date that lasted two hours, and we’ve been happily inseparable since. “Well, lucky you”, I hear you say dryly. My point is this however: DONT GIVE UP. It’s like anything in life, if there is something you want, pursue it to the best of your ability. My life is far from perfect because of some personal issues outside my control we are battling with, however I am blessed to have my wonderful loving husband and I am grateful for that each and every day. He is my rock. I wish every one of you out there searching for this finds that one great love: the only thing I did was be the best person I can, and vow to be the best partner I could. Good luck everyone, cupid does exist, I’m just not sure about the stalk anymore.
I love your article Julia, and I also feel comforted reading the comments here. I am not alone! 🙂 I feel tremendous fear too in the thought of opening up to someone else. But I want to take baby steps out again. Hope Love will find its way to all of us!
Great article. It’s so refreshing to hear your insights. I have only been single for 6 months after a 10 year relationship which ended very painfully. I am enjoying learning to love and truly be with myself and really identify with a lot of what you have said. I find some people in my life are critical of my choice to be single for now (come on, surely I get at least a year after 10!). There is a learning and growing together that comes in a relationship, we don’t have to do all the work before we find a partner. But, I’d like to do my best to truly be happy being with me before I bring someone else in again. I felt sad for some time thinking I may have become toughened or cynical by this experience, jury’s still out on that one…. But, more I think, or hope that it’s just that I am learning to trust myself rather than constantly placing the well-being and opinions of everyone else (mainly my partner) ahead of myself. I am beginning to realize the capacity for me to love someone else well must spring from the love I have cultivated for myself. Simple concept in words, hard work to put into practice. Thanks Julia 🙂
Thank you for reading!
Thank you for this comment! I agree, I think its important too, to move on and give love another chance. My point with the article was too make sure we heal first from what feels broken from the relationship we have been in.To learn to first truly love ourselves so that we can share that love with someone new special.
So happy to hear about your love story! Its inspiring!! Thanks for sharing!! xx
Thank you Sophia! No, you are not alone and thats what so wonderful about the Tiny Buddha community: That we can share our experiences and reach out to one another. I am convinced Love will find its way to all of us! Big hugs to you! x
I am truly sorry to hear about what you have gone through. I am no therapist or psychologist and can therefore not answer many of your questions.
I simply have written about my own experience with heartbreak and what helped me through it. Its hard though, and I hope that you find the strenght to heal from within. I believe once we are feeling good again, it is possible to find true love with someone other than ourselves.
Often times, I too, have wondered about how so many other people around me have been able to move on faster and finding new love quickly. I guess, when the time is right and when we are in the right place (emotionally) love will find its way to us.
I havent read this book, but I have heard many people who says its great.”Calling in the One” by Katherine Woodward Thomas. Like I said, I havent read it myself so I cant say if it works or not…
Wishing you all the best! Hugs, J.
Im sorry to hear about your suffering. Break-ups can truly be so devastating and difficult. Glad to hear you are making progress (even if its slow) One day at the time…Yes, we can and we will get through this! Thank you for sharing your story! Hugs!
Thank you! I agree on what you say. We dont have to do all the work before we find a new partner. Like you say, there is a learning and growing together in a relationship. I believe we will always be learning and growing as human beings, whether we are single or not. But until that special someone comes into our lives, it is truly lovely to know we are comfortable with who we are and that we love ourselves completely. Your comment truly inspired me so thank you! Glad to hear that you are enjoying to learning to love and truly be with yourself. Hugs x
I went through the exact same in 2012 and for over a year now have just been focusing on getting to myself. I realized that in my last relationship I lost myself in it and now gaining that back again. I am happier now than during my relationship. I feel it is because I’m not relying on another person for happiness, but myself. Really great post. Thank you for posting, I really connected to it.
That sounds so awful; I’m so sorry you went through that.
Since I read your comment, It’s stayed in my mind, and I thought I might reply since you seem to genuinely be interested in finding someone new.
I’d encourage you to not give up on online dating. Those 132 men were obviously not the right matches for you! Consider asking a male friend, even a single one if you know any, to read your profile and ask if he sees any red flags. I’m on OK Cupid and I saw one profile where the guy probably thought he was being funny, but he sounded bitter. It’s possible that there’s something in your profile that you don’t realize is coming across in a negative way or a way you didn’t intend. Don’t talk about your ex- or the cheating or his death in your profile. Also ask your friend to look at your photos and see if there’s anything about them that don’t quite read right. Just like in art or writing, sometimes we’re too close to what we create and can’t see them objectively. Maybe ask friends if they can pick the most flattering photos of you from a selection and you can put those up on your profile.
I know many women with children who met wonderful men online. Most mens’ profiles I read indicate that they have kids. Having kids doesn’t take you out of the running, but not being emotionally ready to date might come across in your profile.
And as for your ex-friend who got married, you have no idea what her internal experience is like. Maybe she’s charming, beautiful. but superficial. Maybe she’s covering up her pain by marrying the first man who comes along who asked her. Don’t compare yourself to her. She has her own road to walk.
Good luck to you, and I wish you lots of love and healing!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ARTICLES!!!! THEY MEAN A LOT AND I’M SO GLAD YOU FOUND THE STRENGTH TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! LOTS OF LOVE!!!!! <3