“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron
You know that foreboding fear we all have—that something will go terribly wrong and life will never be the same again?
Mine is that something will happen to our daughter. She is our only child. We battled infertility for years before conceiving her. I keep telling myself that it’s just an irrational fear and that every parent probably has it to some extent, but it’s a constant companion that stealthily follows me around everywhere I go.
So, on a Saturday evening, when we returned from an evening out to pick her up from the playcare and were greeted by the sight of blood on her face and the sound of inconsolable weeping, my heart just stopped.
She had fallen off a playscape headfirst. It had happened minutes before we arrived. All the caretakers could tell us was that a tooth was knocked off. We rushed her to the emergency room.
After what seemed like hours, they gave the all-clear—no head trauma or fractures—and sent us home with a prescription of painkillers and instructions to rest.
She spent the next twenty-four hours in pain and throwing up. She couldn’t even hold water down.
I tortured myself with fears that it must be a devastating head injury that the emergency room staff had failed to catch. She felt better the next day, so I brushed my fears away.
The next week was a whirlwind of visits to the dentist to extract fragmented and loose teeth. During one of the visits, the dentist noticed that her jaw was misaligned. We rushed to an oral surgeon.
The emergency room staff had failed to catch it—her jaw had broken. And now it was too late. The bone had already started to set in a crooked manner.
She’d need major surgery to reverse it. She was too young to do the surgery yet, but by the time she turns eighteen the misaligned jaw will likely bother her so much that surgery will be unavoidable.
A couple of weeks later, as the dust started to settle, I took her to the park to let some steam off. As luck would have it, she had another fall, and this time she broke her arm.
We hadn’t had any major trauma in her entire life. And now we had two sets of broken bones in as many weeks.
Waiting for the orthopedic to put the cast on, I couldn’t help but think, “Right now, our life sucks.”
And this wasn’t the first time I’d thought that.
A few years back, I’d felt much worse when my husband was in the emergency room, I waited outside with her, and the doctors had no answers for us.
And before that at work when a colleague was bent on making my life a living hell.
And when my best friend was lost to depression and wouldn’t take my calls.
And when I broke up with my first boyfriend.
And a million other times.
Every single one of us has these moments. It’s just the way life is. It’s what we do in those moments that matters.
For the better part of my life, I’ve felt flustered and incapable of handling these moments. Over time, I feel like I’ve figured out a few things that I can start doing to bounce back.
I’m sharing these with the hopes that some of you will find them as useful as I do.
1. Replace “Why me?” with “What next?”
It’s natural; when things go wrong, one of our first thoughts is likely to be “Why me?”
Here’s the thing though: “Why me?” is a weakening phrase. It only serves to increase our feeling of victimhood and makes us feel incapable of dealing with the situation.
By intentionally catching ourselves thinking “Why me?” and replacing it with “What next?” we not only gain back a feeling of control, but also figure out what we can actually do.
Anytime my daughter had a mini accident after that, she would panic. I’d put on my calmest voice, even when I felt like screaming “Why us? Can we please catch a break?” and say, “Aww, poor baby. Are you hurt? Accidents happen. Do you think a boo-boo pad might help?” And yes, a boo-boo pad always helped.
Ever so slowly, we were back to being resilient in the face of mini accidents again.
2. Force yourself to practice gratitude.
It is hard to feel grateful when you are dealt a blow, no matter how big or small it is.
I was devastated by my daughter’s jaw fracture verdict. I had to practically force myself to practice gratitude.
Every time I talked to someone, I’d say, “Well, we’re lucky it wasn’t a head injury.” After repeating it a few times, I actually started to believe it and started to feel the gratitude. And that eventually helped deal with the news of the misaligned jaw.
No matter what you are dealing with, there is always, always something to be grateful for. Force yourself to say it out loud a few times. Your heart and your mind will soon catch up.
3. Quit blaming.
When you’re hurt, it is equally natural to look for someone to blame.
In my case, I was tempted to blame myself, the caregivers at the playcare, the doctors at the emergency room, and so on.
But blame only serves to prolong the hurt. It makes it harder to let things go. It makes us angry and corrodes us from the inside. It brings negativity into our life.
So just stop.
If something is meant to be, it will happen. That’s it. Deal with it and move on.
4. Don’t give in to fear and despair.
This is a tough one. It’s so much easier to just give in and surrender to the fear and grief. But we need to stand tall, even when we feel two feet too short.
It was very hard for me to mask my worries from my daughter and project confidence. But I’m so glad I did.
Back then, for a while, I’d actually started to wonder if something was wrong. The foreboding fear that was my constant companion kept telling me that something bad was going on.
But slowly, she gained from my projected confidence and grew more confident herself. And got back to her monkey business. And didn’t having any more accidents.
And my worries started to fizzle.
When it comes to fear and despair, you have to fake it till you make it. And, sooner or later, you will make it.
5. Never give up.
We didn’t like the jaw surgery verdict. We sought out another opinion even though it seemed pointless.
The new oral surgeon was old school. She suggested physical therapy. We set alarms on the phone, and my daughter diligently did her exercises (bless her soul, she’s just a wee little kid, but such a sport).
After a month, the jaw was starting to get aligned again. Things are beginning to look good. Maybe we won’t need that surgery after all. We can only hope for the best.
No matter where you’re at or what you’re going through, don’t give up. Try just one more thing; maybe it’s just the thing that will resolve it for you.
It ain’t over, until it’s over.
—
As I type this article, I hear my daughter biking around the house.
And then I hear a loud thud. I catch my breath and wait. And there it comes: “I’m okay,” she calls out.
Yes. I think we’re indeed okay.
About Sumitha Bhandarkar
Sumitha is the blogger behind afineparent.com and invites you to come take a look at the unique parent-child journal she has designed which could be the most meaningful gift you could give any child! Connected Hearts Journal is a keepsake memory book parents put together with their kids and in the process have conversations, teach life lessons, build up self-esteem, instill an attitude of gratitude and so much more! Click here to find out more.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Sumitha
Thanks so much for sharing your story and insights. Your tips are really good. I particularly resonated with practicing gratitude. We have so much momentum behind negative feelings, and we are so used to focusing on what is going wrong, it takes very little effort to focus our attention on that. We feel very justified in doing so.
Naturally, it is understandable we do this–we have a preference for happy circumstances. But, we must realize we have the choice to put more attention on what is right in our lives at the moment as well. This works wonders for shifting energy, and giving us a healthier perspective on our current challenges.
I have also found gratitude creates a powerful energy that aligns us to bringing more good into our lives, often from the most unexpected channels.
Thanks again for sharing!
Couldn’t have said it better myself, @Kel! From my experience, even when we are stuck in the negative thoughts and feelings, if we insist on practicing gratitude, getting unstuck becomes so much easier!
Thank you for this….really coming to me at the perfect time. Thank you!
I’m dealing with this myself. I am going through a very dark time and its hard to see my way out. Every aspect of my life is going terribly right now.
Glad you found some solace in this @Diane. Good luck with whatever it is you are dealing with… hang in there, it will all work out in the end. It always does.
@gia, I am so sorry to hear that. I was reading about a general who spent 8 grueling years in a German POW camp. When asked how he managed to survive and kept the morale of this subordinates, he said something along the lines of “unswerving faith and never giving up hope that in the end they would prevail, even as they dealt head on with the harsh brutality of their day-to-day reality”. Have faith that you WILL come out OK in the end, even if you are dented and bruised in the current moment. Good luck!
This was helpful to me. Thank you.
Great piece. Thanks for these inspirational words! Being a parent is such risky business, riddled with fear and guilt, there are times when I wish there was a “boo boo pad” for that! In the meantime, thanks for the reminders about how to empower ourselves to be good problem solvers and soothers when life throws us curve balls. Much appreciated.
I just say it’s all perspective. If you learn how to change your perspective on how a situation is viewed, then you will always be happy. Or at least not feeling like it’s the end of the world.
I like this article a lot and shared it to m recovery page. I wrote this this morning before I read you’re article. “My Thoughts ~ My Recovery”October 1st, 2014
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.”
~Seneca~
Difficulties are what they are, and like all struggles you either make a decision to do something about it or you don’t. Let’s remember that no decision is a decision, it is a decision to find excuses, if’s, and’s, but’s and or’s for why you’re simply to not going to do what is the right thing to do. Sometimes our decisions are harder because we know that doing the right thing doesn’t always involve a positive outcome in our favor. The first step is the hardest, most time when I finally make a decision to do whatever it is that I have been procrastinating about it’s all about that first step. You pick your lazy ass off the couch, or wherever you are and just get after it. All of the sudden you realize it’s not that hard, or you actually feel good about what it is you’re doing. A sense of doing the right thing can itself be a highly motivating thing that will lead you to less procrastination later on. Let’s get real here; every day is not sunny and filled with smiley faces. Some days simply and honestly suck period, and yes they have the ability to beat us further down in the hole that indecision digs us into. Many others have it way worse than I do and yet they have found it within themselves to push forward. Joseph Campbell says we all are on a heroic journey, no matter who you are as long as you keep fighting to live instead of just survive you’re a hero. What I see as a hero is far different version from what most people call a hero. I don’t use that word lightly. It is highly over used in today’s politically correct world, just fight to do what is right and in my book you are a hero.
©James McKinley My-Writings-and-Daily-Meditations 2014
Quit asking why, and start asking how.
Mine too Gia, 8 months ago my mother died and everything seems to have fallen apart since then. I refuse to let it take me back where I was a short 6 years ago. Never give up on yourself.
@disqus_8VrQ9auoa4:disqus. Such a great attitude! Sorry things are rough right now, but as long as you hold on to that attitude, you WILL come through OK. Good luck!
Couldn’t agree with you more, @Lorenn! With the right perspective, you may not be happy instantly,but you will eventually find your happiness.
Yes!!! 🙂
Love it, James — especially the realization that if you just get off the metaphorical couch you will find that nothing is that hard after all! Thank you so much for sharing.
Gosh Jill, if you ever find that magic “boo boo pad” please send one my way! 🙂
Glad you found it useful, David. Good luck with whatever it is you are dealing with right now!
Just like Gia, I am going through a difficult time in my life now. I have been feeling depressed and I think that I am stuck, yes think. And I am looking for reassurance that I am not stuck nor am I alone. But I still feel this way. And just like Gia, I am having a difficult time seeing my way out of this.
I have been feeling the same way Gia.
An inspirational article! Hope your daughter makes a full recovery. I know it’s easier said than done but we do have to try and stay positive. Drowning in despair is too overwhelming and draining on our energies. Try and find that silver lining in every cloud. The best of luck with everything!
Did you reply to Ms. Price?? You have replied to everyone else who wrote a comment save for her sentiments. Hhmm…
Ms. Price:
Funny, some individuals are privy to “lifes’ answers”, and they heartily bestow them upon those whom they deem fit for relief, but those same relievers of angst, melancholy, dissonance, etc., remain reproachfully taciturn to the “waysiders.” They also love to say “Uhh, yeah, duhh?” everyone else gets it, yet you don’t?!
Fight, Ms. Price. Fight for your life. Fight for you, for you are a privilege to you. Get mad at your doors within you. Kick and punch them down. If they swing to and fro, wrestle them into submission. Stay on top of them.Sometimes one must get ugly and dirty within one’s own self in order to win the war inside, that is, if one is not too far gone. It is my belief that, you are still here in the present-witts and all. Now get moving! Start fighting. Get angry, dig deep. Dig out that which you despise and permanently expel it from you. Find you within you.
Funny, there lies difficulty in defining one’s own self when there are so many selves to lay claim to. Find the one that you like, respect, revere, and love the most. I’ll say she is the winner.
The point about blame only serving to prolong the hurt is a good one to keep in mind. Thanks for sharing your story and solutions to combat the fears about life and your daughter’s well being. As much as I would like to believe that faking it until you make it works wonders, I think it only works for so long until it no longer becomes effective in being a disguise for what’s really going on. Or at least, that’s been my experience. At times when I’ve felt fearful or down or upset, the “fake it ’til you make it approach” was pretty much a hit or miss. Of course, it probably all depends on the magnitude of the situation or feeling, I suppose.
I’ve been away from my desk since evening, so I’ve missed talking to quite a few actually! Catching up now.
@Talya, I cannot assure you that you are not stuck, but I can assure you, you are NOT alone! Every one has difficult times at one time or the other. Everyone feels stuck at one time or the other. You can’t be alone… everyone gets a share. The question is, what is the one thing you can do to get unstuck? It doesn’t matter if it works or not… as long as you keep asking “what next” or “how” or “what can I do now” and keep trying different things, you will find solutions that you didn’t even know had existed, and one of them will eventually work.
Good luck! I hope you find out way out soon!
We’re keeping our fingers crossed for our daughter. Thanks for the wishes.
Nicole, yes, I think you are right… it probably does depend on the situation. I guess, there’s a time and a place for faking / plowing through, and a time and a place to just surrender and be vulnerable…
Ms. C.K, sorry if I gave the impression that I was trying to bestow life’s answers on anyone. There was a time when I’d feel stuck and find it hard to come unstuck. Over the years, I’m doing a bit better. These are what worked for me in this particular situation. I’m sharing it in the hopes that you will take what works for you and tweak it to suit your own life. If none of it does, that’s fine too — no harm, no foul.
Sumitha:
My meaning reads as such: I perused your article and yes, found the content interesting enough, but your words/statements/utterings are not new. Like so many other articles on this site, they all follow the same premise, tone, etc. They read and speak of the same redundant voice. But on the other side, I have read a few that dazzled me, and made me state to myself after reading “Here is a writer, and a transcending individual.” This is of little consequence, significance.
What I found wanting is that, you bypassed Ms. Price statements, and found the time to answer others. Yes, you saved face later, by writing a patched up idea, but it almost appeared vapid at best.This is my opinion, and opinions are right, wrong, ignorant, sly, keen, astute, etc.
Sumitha:
Funny, but you just replied back to Nicole, and Ms.Price within the last few hours, and they shared their statements alongside everyone else within the same timespan. Hhhmmm, everyone is not privy to your “words of wisdom, and transcendent light.” I would guess, a gadfly must spurn you into an active state of replying to certain types, yes?
Hhmmm, what would Buddha say?
Buddha, has long since departed from this wasteland of a realm. His knowledge and wisdom still remains present in words, but not in those finer details demonstrated in actions.
Fair enough. We see what we want to see — and if this is your choice, so be it.
From my end, I did not bypass any comments – not intentionally at least. I hopped on the site at several times during the day, looked at all the comments and responded… that’s it. There was no intention to defend or transcend. Or to save face. And after I hit publish on this comment, I’ll move on. To do the same old. To do the redundant. To just be. And that’s enough for me, in this season of my life 🙂
Take care.
I love the ending to this post, so wonderful to come to this better place! 🙂 I definitely believe in intentions and the law of attraction, well written! Thank you for sharing your story and great tips!
Thanks, Iv2terp 🙂
When those clouds are heavy and dark – with lightening and rain sometimes – just remember we might need a little cooling off and a splash – and remember that the sun is shining brilliantly on the other side of those clouds – always! … and then there’s the rainbow to bless your soul!
#2 is definitely a practice to implement into our lives in general
Hi Sumitha,
Thank you for a great article! I emailed a copy to myself which I will be sharing with my 16 year old daughter. For the past several years I hear quite frequently from her these phrases: everything bad happens to me and my life sucks. I have tried to warn her of the power our thoughts can have but she doesn’t quite get it or she chooses not to listen to me, after all I am her mother and I’m never right. Lol. She recently made a very bad choice and is now paying the harsh consequences for her actions. She is depressed and all of those negative thoughts she’s been thinking are now what she truly believes. What I valued most about your article was the advice to replace why me with what next. I am sharing this advice and it makes sense to her. It was so helpful to have succinct words that match what I have been thinking but unable to express.
So just wanted to share that your article had an impact on me and hopefully my daughter. Ignore the criticism and know that your words and experiences have really helped someone.
Kindly,
Julie J.
Thank you for sharing your struggles & being vulnerable…let us know how the surgery situation with your daughter turns out; wishing everything turns out well…hang in there.
my life sucks. I have 2 low paying jobs that suck. I hate them both. every day I feel like quitting…. but I need the money. I need to eat. but I dont see the purpose of working 2 crappy jobs for low pay and I’m still always broke. never have much money.
I have been struggling with a bad situation for what seems like years. I take the small victories when I can. I have realized their is no quick or fast/easy solution. The hard part is sometimes when I feel like I have turned a corner another “issue” just pops up. I guess maybe I need to realize that is life? I have dark days and then great days. Today is a dark day. I just wish I had a magic solution or formula to follow. Part of my problem is my husband and I are not on the same page. I am not sure if we ever have been. It is hard to work your way out of a tough situation, alone, when you have two grown “adults” going in opposite directions.
Google took me here for my keyword ‘life sucks’. i really don’t want to give up.
Am really scared of my future by seeing the rate of my antisocialness and negative personality. I have a destructive mind and can’t tolerate people around me. All people in this world are mean and comes only when in need. I am not good in anything . not even in studied. All hate me, I hate all. I feels life isn’t worth living. My parents sucks. They think they have produced another Einstein .
Thank you for writing this. I read it at a time that I really needed it.
life is always suck only..
Sometimes we need a refresher course. Yes, most of us already know what was written. I only wonder why people like you continue to read something that you really didn’t want to read? And then go and use big words and semi put her down for what she wrote. If you are so estute why aren’t you writing things like this? Not everyone knows this sort of thing and it’s good for them. Or when your life sucks our thoughts get clouded and this wakes you up again and helps you out. II think your life sucks because you don’t have something better to do with your time but to critic something that did not need your opinion.
Well, I just realized my computer cant run games without buying a new video card and cpu… I have no money… life sucks as hell. Why do we go to school? Or study? Or live? I mean, why does anybody do anythin? We are going to die. With or without things weve done. So why should we do things if we are dying anyway? This makes no sense? I die living under a bridge and I die living in an 1000 sqm appartement.
Why do we think we need ‘fun’ and ‘love’ in our lives? Who told us these are things we need to be happy? What means ‘happy’? Why should we be happy?
I don’t get it. Really. You said, life goes on, but how should I try if I dont know what to try?
I was having some of these thoughts recently. I read something that said “reason is the slave of the passions.” In other words, you don’t need a reason to do what you want, you just do it because you want to. If you want to live under a bridge that is your own choice. I don’t.. I want to have my own house someday, that is why I quit drugs and am going to college. Even though it is a struggle and sometimes I think I would rather just work some shitty job then come home and get high, I know I would never be happy that way. I’m not really sure what happiness is either, but I’m tired of being depressed all the time so I figure if I try harder maybe some day I will know. As for why, it may sound cliche but everyone has their own reasons why. Their is no universal purpose to life. You have to decide for yourself why you want to live. I decided to live for the things I enjoy- art/music. Even though my body is really messed up and I may never experience romance which makes me sad a lot, I have to remind myself that despite this I don’t really want to die yet. There is a lot to experience, and just because we all die does not mean it isn’t worthwhile.
life is bad now. the future seems questionable. i suggest prayer, bible reading, therapy, church, be around others don’t isolate. men tend to isolate to our “caves” which is ok for a short time but not a good long term plan. be around others even when you don’t feel like it. listen to music, read books, listen to audio books… do things you enjoy… all these have helped me some.
life sucks PERIOD why so much bullshit?
why do you bullshit people?
Y0