“Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress; which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown
Ten years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wasn’t really my own best friend.
I was in college and although things were going okay with my studies, I wasn’t very happy.
When I made a mistake or failed I beat myself up for days or sometimes weeks.
I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself.
I compared how I looked, my results in school, and success while dating—or more accurately, the total lack of dates—to what other people had and their results.
I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.
But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.
It wasn’t easy. But step by small step I made changes in how I thought and how I viewed the world and myself. I stumbled along the way and many times I fell back into my old negative habits.
Today I’d like to share five habits that helped me to make that big change in my life, that I still rely on to this day and every day to maintain and build my self-esteem.
1. Compare yourself to yourself.
One of the first things I decided that I needed to stop doing was comparing myself and what I had to other people and what they had.
But what to do instead, since replacing a habit tends to be more successful than trying to just stop doing it?
I decided that I would compare myself to myself instead.
To look at how I had grown. How far I had come. How I had become more successful in small or bigger ways.
2. Be kinder toward other people.
One interesting thing I discovered was that when you are kinder toward other people in your life, you tend to think about and treat yourself in a kinder way, too.
And the other nice thing about this is that how you treat others is how they tend to treat you in the long run.
So I have found it very helpful to focus on being kind in my daily life.
This kindness doesn’t have to be about big things.
It can simply be to:
- Just be there and listen fully for a few minutes as you let someone vent
- Give a genuine compliment
- Let someone into your lane while driving
- Take a few minutes to help someone out in a practical way by giving advice, using Google to help them find something, lifting a heavy table, or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant
3. When you stumble, be your own best friend.
Instead of beating yourself up when you make a mistake, fail, or stumble in some way, ask yourself: How would my best friend or parent support me and help me in this situation?
Then simply do things and talk to yourself like he or she would.
This simple change in perspective can help you to not fall down into a valley of depressed thoughts, but to be constructive and optimistic about what you do from here on out.
4. Leave perfectionism behind.
One of the biggest reasons why I beat myself up so much was that I often wanted things to be perfect.
And so I held myself to an inhuman standard, in school and whatever I did, really.
A big problem with this mindset was, of course, that I often did not do things at all because I was afraid that I could not do them perfectly. Or, I felt it would be too much work and quit before I had even gotten started.
Just realizing how this mindset was hurting me and people around me helped me to let go of it and adopt a healthier outlook.
Also, reminding myself that there is a thing called “good enough” and focusing on reaching that instead of perfection helped me not only to get better results, but also perform better in all areas of my life.
It also helped me to stop procrastinating so much and to take a lot more action to improve my life step by step.
5. Keep in mind why your self-esteem is so, so important.
Here is my experience with improving my own self-esteem in the past few years:
- Life will become simpler and lighter, because you will not make mountains out of molehills nearly as often anymore.
- You’ll be less needy and more stable as a human being. When you like yourself more, when your opinion of yourself goes up, then you’ll stop trying so eagerly to get validation and attention from other people.
- You’ll sabotage yourself less. By raising and keeping your self-esteem up, you will feel more and more deserving of good things in all areas of your life. So you’ll go after these good things more often and with more motivation. And when you get them, then you’ll be a lot less likely to self-sabotage because you know that you deep down actually deserve to have them in your life.
- You’ll be more attractive in any kind of relationship. With better self-esteem you’ll get the benefits listed above. And all of that is highly attractive in any kind of relationship. No matter if that relationships is with a friend, at work, in school, or with a partner.
All these huge benefits have also made my life happier. And as I move through my days I keep these very important reasons for keeping my self-esteem up and improving it in the forefront of my mind.
Doing this simple thing has done wonders for my own self-esteem and for my motivation to make it a top priority in my life.
About Henrik Edberg
Henrik Edberg lives on the west coast of Sweden and has been writing about living a happier life for the past 7 years on The Positivity Blog. His most popular course is The Self-Esteem Course. And tens of thousands of people subscribe to his free newsletter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Be kinder toward other people
I have a problem with that. After reading the book “No more Mr Nice Guy” of Robert A. Glover, I got to know that I have the “nice guy” syndrome.
I am someone who do good things to other because I expect something in return, because I want to please them and because I want to get their approval.
So stop being nice with people who doesn’t need it and only give a hand to someone who really needs it is my new normality.
For instance “give a genuine compliment”, I would not do that to anyone when I have in my mind the thought that I want to do it because I expect other people to do it to me.
I would only do it when I see someone having a bad time. Because in that case, he really needs to have someone giving him a genuine compliment.
And for “lifting a heavy table or making arrangements for a dinner at a restaurant” I’ve noticed that sometimes, you shouldn’t interfere in the work of the waiter or waitress.
You are supposed to be the client there and they are there to “serve” you.
As more as you act nice with them (helping them to serve instead of letting them doing their job and serve you), as more as they will be more close to you and you have the risk to loose the “privilege” of being a client (when saying the world client, I have in my mind the typical hard client whose mindset is to be fully satisfied when asking for a service).
PS: I’m not putting in doubt what you were saying on your post, I just wanted to offer my own perspective of the action “be kinder toward other people” looking for a better understanding.
I agree with all the other points.
Thanks for the awesome post Henrik! It’s definitely something I’ve integrated into my life and just reaffirms it. The world definitely needs more kindness and should be given without expectations for anything in return. Sometimes it can make someone’s day. 🙂
Compare yourself to your PAST.
This is so great, Henrik. I believe people do have a hand in their own happiness and by following your blueprint above and also not speaking negatively, they can change it for the better! 🙂
Personally, while I understand your point, I think being nice to other people is vital if you want to feel happy.
If you are hostile, you will feel bad, because that is what anger feels like – bad. You will also often upset the other person and invite retaliation. This is how wars start!
Meanwhile, if you are genuinely nice to other people, you will feel good, because that is what kindness feels like – good!
If you are only acting ‘nice’ to get your selfish demands met (approval/acceptance/recognition), you need to work on your motivation and needs, not blame other people when they don’t/can’t give you what you want/secretly demand.
Being nice doesn’t have to mean you are a push-over, or weak, and it feels a lot ‘nicer’ than being angry!
One of the simplest and most beautiful articles, I’ve read here.
doing little things – stopping my bike to let someone cross, catching their eye and smiling – slowing to make space in my car so someone can filter into my lane – waving when someone is courteous to me – i have had a complicated and challenging last year with my family and with attacks from an ex friend who I now know to be a Narcissist – its been trippy but these little things – you only need one or two in a day but letting them happen – enjoying the kindness – it is a gift – your insight is spot on – thanks for this… 🙂
Totally agree! Starting the day by letting someone in my lane, especially when on a bad day, has been the most effective way to counter the bad mood of the start. You get then a thank you (most of times) and you get to smile back, then it feels the day is ready to roll on a kinder track!
I am also one of those people who have nice encrypted on them. Being nice is a sign of gratefulness. you do this because you experienced it and you are filled with it. 😉 If your being nice is because you want to be repaid then you are not doing it the right way. Do little things for others, forget about it, never count, and allow the cosmos to pay that forward.
So does that mean that I’m incredibly unattractive now that my self esteem is subpar? Well that makes me feel even worse about myself than I did before. Sigh.
Where does it say anything about attractiveness? And to whom do you feel unattractive? How does looking for the negative in such an inspiring article help you or anyone else? I don’t think it does. Maybe you are just being a troll, or maybe reaching out for help? I don’t know your deal, but either way…maybe re-read it again with a different perspective? I’ve gone through low self-esteem, and seeing things negatively all the time…no fun. Why do you deserve to feel so badly about yourself? When you can love yourself and accept yourself, unconditionally, just for the sake of being able to exist, to enjoy the pleasure of being alive, then you can allow yourself to change, and change is as easy or hard as you believe it to be. This is a great article about changing beliefs/habits that often cause people unhappiness with themselves. Really listen to what the author is saying about having come from a place of negativity and how to change the bad habits that keep you there so you can be happier with yourself and your life:
“I mostly focused on the negative and rarely took the time to appreciate the small and wonderful things about my life and myself…
“I was stuck in a rut of negativity and low self-esteem. Not a good place to be in.
But finally, after many years, I broke out of that rut.”
And the article are just his tips on breaking out of that rut… Free your Self from your self 🙂
great articles, its exactly the way i gained confidence 🙂
Hello Henrik,
Enjoyed reading your post and I’m also a frequent visitor at Positivity Blog. Great advice and I think most people could benefit from implementing the first habit you touch upon: “Stop comparing yourself to others”. We live in a world today with social media bombarding us with impressions of other people. Everyone is trying to keep up in the race to become more popular and liked. The moment you stop comparing yourself with other people you’ll realize what a great relief it is.
A wise man once said: “Be yourself – Everyone else is already taken”.
I made an awesome infographic about implementing new habits. If anyone has an interest try and give it a look here: http://andershasselstrom.com/how-to-implement-healthy-habits/
Implementing new habits, as Henrik suggest, does not have to be so hard.
Best,
Anders Hasselstrøm
Thank you everyone for your warm and thoughtful comments and for sharing your own experiences and insights about self-esteem and being kind!
Thank u it really helps !!!
That’s great that you’ve found a solution to your problem! I hope it’s working out for you 🙂 I think showing kindness to those who really need it is a great habit.
However, I do respectfully disagree to a degree. I don’t think the issue is to whom you show kindness to, but rather the “expectation” that those we show kindness to will give back to us- whether that’s through approval, reciprocation, or a simple “thank you”. But that isn’t always realistic, as you’ve noticed. How a person responds to your kindness is their choice- it is a reflection of them, not you, so you don’t have to feel bad because of their decision. Some people aren’t very grateful, are in a bad mood that day, or simply forget to show their gratefulness once in a while. That’s why (high) expectations often lead to suffering. For example, I value kindness in others very much, so I do my best to be kind to others- not to get validation, but because I am living up to my core values with integrity. Knowing that I am being true to myself prevents me from being hurt when someone doesn’t return the favor, and having compassion (which is the part I’m honestly still struggling with, but has proven helpful when it works) will further prevent me from getting bitter. True self-love and compassion will prevent us from feeling the need to have the validation returned.
I’m no expert on the subject, and perhaps this won’t work for everyone, but this is what has helped me in the past, so I thought I would share my two cents 🙂 Best of luck!
I actually had a similar thought process to this in my last relationship. I often have low self-confidence and my ex would try to encourage me by saying “come on, work on being confident. confidence is sexy”, but that would make me feel worse because I would then think, “well, that means you don’t find me at all attractive…..thanks”. But that’s not the case. I’m sure you are very attractive in many ways, but you just don’t have the self-esteem. I think I am attractive in quite a few ways, but I lack self-confidence. Although I know my friends and family love me as I am, I also know that everyone (most importantly, myself) can benefit from me fostering my confidence. I know exactly where you’re coming from, and I hope this helps! You deserve to be happy and confident for yourself.
I read a book with the same message (‘Anxious to Please’). I think this is just the next hurdle for you to get over. You’re undoing your niceness, but now it might be beneficial for you to make yourself genuinely kind. Don’t be nice; be kind. This is my mantra; I hope it works for you :^)