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5 Beliefs That Hurt Your Relationships (And How to Let Them Go)

Couple with Arms Raised

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.” ~Tony Robbins

“I’m not great at relationships.” This is something I used to say all the time, to others and myself.

I’d had quite a few unhealthy friendships that ended in dramatic showdowns when our combined issues proved toxic.

My romantic relationships weren’t any less volatile—largely because my deep-seated shame affected the type of men I attracted and compromised my ability to be there, with and for others.

But even after making significant progress with my insecurities and working through some painful experiences from my past, I realized I still felt terrified of somehow messing up relationships.

As much as I wanted to believe the future could be different from the past—that I could be different—I couldn’t let go of that one sentence: I’m not great at relationships.

I had to challenge my beliefs about myself, and I also needed to recognize and unload my subconscious self-judgment. Because when I said, “I’m not great at relationships,” I wasn’t making an objective observation. The unspoken ending to that sentence reads, “…and it’s because I’m lacking as a person.”

I needed to believe I was worthy of healthy connections, and capable of forming and sustaining them, even if I’d struggled in the past. Otherwise, I’d never allow myself to let my guard down, let others in, and then, freed from the burden of my own defenses, show up fully for them.

Over the years, I’ve identified countless limiting beliefs like these, and I’ve seen tremendous improvements in my relationships by releasing their grip on me.

We all have beliefs like this, and they can compromise our ability to show up for the people we love if we don’t acknowledge them and proactively work to let them go. Perhaps you’ll recognize some of these tendencies and beliefs in yourself:

1. COMPARISONS: If someone appears to be doing better than me in some area of their life, that means I’m less than—and I have to catch up to prove that I’m worthy.

We all want to feel happy for the people we love, and we want them to feel happy for us when we’re doing well. This can be challenging, though, if we allow comparisons to convince us we’re somehow behind and therefore inferior or inadequate.

The solution? Work on nurturing a sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with what we achieve. Every last one of us will experience highs and lows on our journey. Sometimes we’ll thrive when friends struggle, and vice versa, and sometimes we’ll thrive at the same time.

If we can work at valuing our efforts and ourselves regardless of the outcome, we’ll be better prepared for the inevitable lows, less attached to the highs, and more supportive of our loved onesregardless of where they are in their journey.

2. SCORE KEEPING: If I don’t get exactly what I give, someone is devaluing and disrespecting me, so things always need to be even.

Nothing suffocates a relationship like keeping score. It communicates to the other person, “I suspect you’ll cheat me if I don’t keep track and remind you when you’ve fallen short.”

I’m not suggesting we give and give without regard for receiving. The key is to create an atmosphere of caring and generosity by giving without always expecting reciprocation, and then trusting that you’ll receive that same courtesy.

It’s about creating a team mindset and recognizing that we all have different strengths, and we all give in different ways.

I may do more laundry than my fiancé, but he’s an excellent cook. We each contribute in our own way, in all aspects of our relationship. (Keep in mind this isn’t always the case. If you always give and never receive—despite communicating your wants and needs—you may want to rethink that relationship.)

3. ASSUMPTIONS: I know why people do the things they do, and they often have selfish or hurtful intentions.

Formerly, I assumed the worst of everyone. If someone hurt me, they meant to. If someone did something I didn’t understand, they were selfish and thoughtless. Primed as I was with these cynical beliefs, I frequently brought out the worst in people.

That’s often what happens when you guard yourself with these kinds of assumptions; people guard themselves in return, and seem to confirm your fears.

The truth is we can never know why other people do the things they do unless we ask—and then trust the answer. More often than not, people are doing their best, just like we are, and would never intentionally hurt us.

Stephen Covey wrote, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” If we assumed that other people have positive intentions, we’d all judge each other a lot less, and feel better about each other, and ourselves, as a result.

4. EXPECTATIONS: If someone doesn’t meet my expectations, that means they don’t care or value me, or intended to hurt me.

It happens all the time: We expect a certain outcome, or response, and then we feel disappointed and disrespected when things don’t go according to plan.

Things rarely, if ever, go to plan. Even when we communicate our wants and needs, it’s entirely possible that someone else may fall short—because they’re imperfect, just like us, and dealing with their own challenges.

I’m not suggesting we don’t expect anything of anyone, but rather that we try our best to recognize and appreciate what people do “right” instead of maintaining a list of all the things we think they’ve done “wrong.”

Think back to when you were young. What would have motivated and empowered you more: being praised for your efforts, or being chastised for your shortcomings? The same holds true in adult relationships.

5. BITTERNESS: I can’t let go of what hurt me because that would be letting that person off the hook.

For years when I was younger I tried to maintain a relationship with someone while holding on to anger and bitterness. As a result, I unknowingly made this person “pay” for their lack of compassion in the past by treating them without compassion in the present.

Not only was I not “being the change I wished to see,” as Gandhi recommended, I was losing self-respect by becoming the very thing I’d condemned.

Eventually, I realized I needed to make a choice: I could let go and recreate the relationship anew, or let go and move on—but it was no longer an option to hold on to both the person and my bitterness.

I chose the former, aided by the belief that hurt people, hurt people—and conversely, healed people, heal people.

Forgiveness may be “letting someone off the hook,” but that doesn’t mean we deserved whatever happened, or that it was okay. It simply means we’ve accepted it, and chosen to grow through it.

Nothing could be healthier for our relationships, with others and with ourselves.

Obviously, this is all a lot easier to neatly summarize in a list than it is to regularly apply. But we don’t need to tackle all of these beliefs all at once. We just need to try our best, each day, to recognize when we’re getting caught up in one of these limiting beliefs.

Even the tiniest bit of progress can make a huge difference, so give yourself credit for every small shift you make and then watch as they all add up.

This article first appeared in Best Self Magazine, the digital magazine for the next generation of seekers and doers. Couple silhouette via Shutterstock.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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LaTrice Dowe

I’m looking forward to this year coming to an end, since I’ve been through so much heartache. It’s difficult to forget those who caused the pain.

Earlier this year, I ended a friendship with someone I knew since childhood. My ex-best friend didn’t know how to be a friend, since he was too busy taking sides. The name calling, and his disrespectful attitude wasn’t necessary, so I walked away. I would have shown more respect towards my ex-best friend if he had handled the situation between myself and his girlfriend like a mature adult. I had to deal with the harsh reality of not being able to be friends with this man again, especially in this lifetime. At least, I’m all right with it.

I recently ended a relationship with someone who was extremely controlling. I couldn’t handle, nor accept being placed under someone’s radar, due to his insecurities. He refused to believe in my dreams, so there was a lack of support. He demanded me to throw away my future for child care purposes. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend couldn’t treat me as an equal, and I walked away from him. I don’t see the point on giving him an explanation regarding his actions, since he’s fully aware of it.

Hopefully, next year will be ten times better than this year. Thank you, Lori, for sharing your experience.

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Ciera Sizzy

I love tinybuddha. I come on here everyday to find inspiration and move forward through situations. However, I came on late last night and it was destiny that this article was posted. I am literally going through something with my boyfriend. I had a talk with my mom to give me some advice on improving myself because I have a lot of hurt from my past and I carry that into my relationships with anyone. However, all the points she made are the same ones listed in this article. So this has really hit home. I see where I need to change and improve in my life to get myself and my relationship on the right track. Thanks so much for this Lori. Awesome article!!

Dylan Mitchell

I have something to say, I’ve lost trust in someone I love, someone I know who loves me too. For the past year me & this girl have been on & off with eachother then it came to a point this year I thought that was it I thought me and her were finished, so j started seeing someone else and we had sex. She didn’t know that, I didn’t tell her. Few months later we’re trying to rebuild things with eachother because it all went wrong when I pushed her away in the past. I realise what I’ve done wrong, I realised I only want to be with her & no one else, I’ve realised I’m not like other boys who want 6447 girls, I just want her. So as we were trying to rebuild things, she was seeing someone else at the time aswell, even kissed that person, she also told me she doesn’t like him, so I said whilst we’re on thin ice do you th ink someone being in the middle of us is going to help? She didn’t want to drop him for us, as she said she didn’t want to let her guard down incase I hurt her again, and she just wanted space for herself and that he meant nothing, obviously I wasn’t going to put myself through that so i was going to leave things and move on. So I told her about this girl, she just cried, said she thought I was different, I’m just like other boys, she has nothing to say to me and that she’s done. I want to regain her trust give her what she deserves cause I know what she deserves at the end of the day what she truly deserves… I don’t know what to do

Lucy Chen

It’s interesting that this post is showing up in my reading, Lori. I’ve been listening to the podcast by Rob Bell, and reading Wayne Dyer’s book, (and attended a Tony Robbins event in September), and many of the messages I’m getting are beautifully summarized in your article here.

Lori Deschene

I’m glad you enjoyed my post, Lucy. I’m have to check out that podcast!

Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome, Ciera! I’m glad this was helpful to you. It can be so tough to let of pain from the past, I know. But it sounds like you’re really self-aware and making steps in the right direction. I hope things improve with your relationship!

Lori Deschene

Hi Dylan,

I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened. It sounds like it’s been a painful relationship, being on and off for so long and now ending things in this way. I hope you’re doing okay!

Lori

Dylan Mitchell

Yeah all alright thank you! Time will take its toll in situations like this.

Lori Deschene

Hi LaTrice,

My apologies for the slow response – I thought I wrote back to you and just realized I did not.

I’m so sorry to hear about your friendship ending – and also your relationship, though it sounds like that was the best thing for you. I hope your next relationship is with someone who supports you in all your endeavors!

You’re most welcome. =)

Lori

lv2terp

Thank you Lori for this wonderful post! A lot to consider, I fit into categories 2,3, and 4, and I have been trying to improve in each, mainly 4….but man do I struggle with that one, especially since I do see how it effects others! Appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement about giving ourselves credit when we do make progress! Happy Holidays! 🙂

Lori Deschene

You’re most welcome! That’s such a tough one, I know. Happy holidays to you as well! =)

Old Man Maybe Leaving Hell

Thanks, Lori–again–for an insightful post that touches on some of the things I’m going through. I’ve also always thought of myself as “not good at relationships,” and if you judge by one of my most important and longest relationships right now, you’d agree. But somehow these days I’m starting to doubt that. Right now I’d have to say that becoming more compassionate with myself isn’t easing my pain–sharpening it rather–maybe that’s to be expected when the heart starts to soften and open.

By the way, you’re probably no longer checking “Dealing with Regret: 8 Ways to Benefit and Move Forward”–most of the comments are from a few months to five years ago!–but I did add a comment recently, letting you know that with regret as with relationships, I’ve started in small ways to move forward.

Hi there,

So sorry for the slow response! I somehow missed this comment before. How are you doing now, one month after writing this? I hope the pain has dulled a little and that self-compassion is proving more comforting than it was before.

Lori

Eckie Prater

About relationships…mine seem to last seven years max. Its like there is a best if used by / expiration date.