“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello
Do you believe in soul mates?
I did. I also believed that the only way to be blissfully happy was to be with mine.
At a New Year party, I finally found her. As we chatted and danced through the evening, we fell in love. It seemed perfect.
Life, however, had other plans. Soon after, she moved to another city. I never saw her again but continued to be in love with her for the next four years.
Why? Because I was consumed by the belief that she was my soul mate, and that fate would bring us back together someday.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How each of us have our own beliefs about the “secret to happiness.” We live our lives in accordance with those beliefs, rarely questioning them.
Over those four years, my belief that I could never be happy with anyone else held me back from finding love and happiness elsewhere.
But I was so wrong. I did meet someone else later and have been gleefully together with her for ten years now!
We define our reality by what we believe.
Our beliefs make us who we are and determine the choices we make. Very often, those beliefs, far from leading us into happiness, bring us truckloads of pain and trouble.
The good news? We can be far happier and contented simply by altering our beliefs and looking at the world differently.
Here are five beliefs about happiness that actually make us unhappy:
Belief 1: I need other people’s approval to be happy.
Do you often do things only to please other people?
Human beings are driven by “social proof.” Approval is extremely important to us.
We wait to buy the latest gadgets to look cool. We attend boring office parties to fit in. We don’t pursue our dreams because our families don’t approve.
But just ask yourself: Are these actions (or inactions) bringing you any real happiness?
The pursuit of approval is very different from the pursuit of happiness. Let’s not fail to distinguish between the two.
Belief 2: I will be happy when I have…
…a bigger house, a promotion, a baby, awards, respect, those designer shoes!
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy” in his book Happier. It’s the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination (or attain a specific goal), you will be happy.
The reason why this belief is so strong is because it’s partly true. Yes, you will feel happy when you get promoted or buy a house.
The question is: Is this happiness lasting?
While you will escape your landlord’s ranting, you will have to pay new taxes and spend good money maintaining your new house.
Each level of accomplishment will bring its own set of problems.
Does this mean you stop working toward your goals? No! Goals are important, and one needs to be ambitious.
However, think about this: You can be happy now and also when you get the promotion.
Do you really need to postpose your happiness?
Belief 3: I can’t be happy unless everything goes right.
Have you ever lost your luggage on a vacation? It upsets everything, doesn’t it?
Instead of enjoying the charms of a wonderful new city (or countryside), you’re running around buying clothes and other stuff, wondering if the airline will ever return your luggage.
That’s what happened on a vacation with my family.
Strangely, now when we think about that vacation, the trouble we faced because of the lost luggage doesn’t bother us. We just talk about the wonderful time we had.
The vacation didn’t have to be perfect. The only thing that really mattered to us was that we had an opportunity to have a great time together.
Think about it: are vacations, parties, dates, or any other special occasions ever perfect? If something goes wrong does that mean the entire trip or evening is a failure?
Yes, it is a failure, but only if you believe so.
Let’s extend the discussion further: Is anything in life ever perfect? We have ups and downs every day.
Life is imperfect—perhaps that’s what make it more interesting!
Belief 4: I can’t be happy because of what’s happened in the past.
The past controls us in mysterious ways.
You might have lost a loved one to misunderstanding or death. You might have failed to achieve your dreams. As a result, you may have developed one of these beliefs: “I am not meant to find happiness” or “It’s not my destiny to be happy.”
Personally, I haven’t lost much in life, but I know someone who has. I used to wonder how she could enjoy life despite such tragedies, until she revealed her simple secret…
She believes that she has the right to be happy, despite her past misfortunes.
Your past doesn’t control your future unless you let it. Millions have turned their lives around. If they can be happy, why can’t you?
Belief 5: Happiness is not a habit that can be learned.
Can you actually learn to be happy? Like learning baseball or the guitar?
Yes. Happiness is a skill—one that you build through a number of daily choices.
Numerous studies have indicated that people who are happier have certain habits: they exercise, meditate, pay attention to their relationships, pursue their goals diligently, lead balanced lives, are grateful.
Research shows that by thwarting negative emotions, such as pessimism, resentment, and anger, and fostering positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and gratitude, the brain can be trained to become happier.
Happiness does not depend on fate; it depends on our habits—habits that anyone can learn.
____
Our beliefs can bring us happiness or sorrow.
Question your beliefs about yourself, your life, and happiness from time to time. See if they still serve a positive purpose. If not, change them.
What beliefs do you think you need to change to be happier?
About Peter Banerjea
Peter is co-founder of SuccessIsWhat, a coaching firm that helps people achieve their goals faster by building life changing habits and conquering time. Get his latest free e-book “Productivity Secrets of 7 Billionaires that YOU can put into Action Right Now” here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Ha ha! I am a perfectionist! Yet I know my obsession with perfection often drives me crazy! Thank you Peter for giving me a reminder to slow down. This is an inspiring post.
Thanks Carey! Looks like we have something in common. It took me a long time to realize that I need to contain my demand for perfection! It’s important to remind ourselves that sometimes, we just need to enjoy things as they are!
I am a perfectionist in some parts of my life. Now, I learned how to control it in a sense. I only let my perfectionism kick in at work, when I will present documents to customers, I want to make sure everything looks good. If it’s not perfect, I remind myself that I am a human being!
Great that you have learned to balance it!
I always try to remember that the best way for me to consciously slow down, I must first continually take a step back, take a few breaths, think the situation through, establish my options by first identifying the problem, take a couple more very deep breaths, weigh my options, consider the source, determine my motivation, then take a couple more deep breaths, then make the most intelligent decision from a clear, conscious mind. In doing so, I find that first of all, I purposely slow myself down, and secondly avoid being so spontainous and can make much clearer and meaningful decisions from the choices at hand. Better choices=better decisions!!!
Recognizing your obsession with perfection is having half of the battle won. In doing so, everytime that you catch yourself doing this, it will become easier and easier to catch yourself earlier next time. Becoming conscious of your self, in that moment is what life is all about!!! Becoming more in the here and now. In doing so, we live less and less in the past and avoid being caught thinking of the of the future ( or is that fear) of the “what if’s, should’s, and I can’ ts!” Truly a bad spot to be in. I prefer the moment, it’s timeless, it’s free, it’s freedom, it’s truly beautiful!!!
Hi Peter
Thanks so much for such a great post, and it is a topic near and dear to many people’s hearts. Being happy is simple at the core, but because of our conditioning, limiting beliefs and past experience, we usually need to work a bit through that to start feeling better on a consistent basis.
I really resonated with all of your points and they are some of the biggest barriers. I particularly resonated with the first about needing people’s approval. It can be challenging when others do not exactly support our choices and vision, and because we are all prone to insecurity and doubt, we naturally begin to question whether we are perhaps doing something wrong. Also, we don’t like to think our choices are upsetting others in any way.
It can be tempting to alter our life to avoid making waves, thinking the approval, lack of criticism,etc..will make up for giving up on what we really want, but while we may be ameliorating various forms of discomfort that came from following our own path, we will simply be signing up for a new set of emotional distresses, like feeling stifled, resenting people (though we have to own our choices), and feeling unfulfilled.
I find that the better we get to know ourselves, and the clearer we are on why we want to do what we want to do, criticism of others doesn’t affect us as much because we know we are doing what is best for us.
Hi Kelli, thanks for commenting again!
You have made a very powerful point in your last para. I completely agree that it’s essential to be clear about the motives behind our goals. If we truly believe in something, it doesn’t matter if a few people don’t approve.
Yes, the better we get to know ourselves, the easier it becomes. I believe that introspection is one of the key ingredients for true long lasting happiness.
I agree
Wonderful. 😉
Without question, in order to successfully achieve anything in life we MUST first have the ambition to achieve it, then make a plan (or goal if you will) then put it into action with a realistic separation into obtainable parts, ie. to be here in a year, I need to be here in six months, an d in order to be here in six months, I need to be here in three months, then in order to be there in three months, I need to be here in a month. We must be honest, realistic and drive with a purpose!! Only set those goals that we truly want to achieve. How many projects have we all started only to give up a part way through? How many of those new year’s resolutions have we made to lose weight, quit smoking, to save more money, knowing in the back of our heads that we’re never going to see them through? Why do we even bother when we should realize that we are setting ourselves up for failure before we even start?
I agree with you completely. Verse I wrote 30years ago “Destiny Charted” .
I wonder where I’ll be tomorrow
I wonder where I’ll be
I wonder where
I wonder
I
I liked this post very much and agree with these beliefs being important. There are so many obstacles in our minds that keep us from happiness. Being in the moment and connecting with what is real such as being thankful for now makes a big difference. We seek to gain material things and status which can be stressful. Even when our goals are not material we want things from others which are the hardest to receive. We can only control our own actions and emotions. Human beings gain happiness through looking beyond a main focus or seeing a bigger picture. Although we do have a right to pursue what makes us happy it is up to us to understand the difference between what is to our benefit and what is destructive.
Excellent point Maalik – “it is up to us to understand the difference between what is to our benefit and what is destructive”
Thank you, Peter! I also know that step 4 is true.
You might have lost a loved one to misunderstanding or death. You might have failed to achieve your dreams. As a result, you may have developed one of these beliefs: “I am not meant to find happiness” or “It’s not my destiny to be happy.”
I believe people lose hope do to trauma they have suffered. There is no way to know what the futures holds but they hold on to this logic which only makes for more opportunities to find faults with the current state of there existence. Energy that you put out comes back to you negative or positive.
Absolutely Maalik – “Energy that you put out comes back to you negative or positive.”
These beliefs are definitely soul-consuming, Peter. I think the trick is to find the fun in everything and never feel guilty about the fun that comes with success, which is something I have done in the past.
That’s a great point Anthony – ” the trick is to find the fun in everything”!
Life is a gift. We should try to accept whatever it throws at us… try to enjoy it.
Hi, Pete,
I was a big #1 mistake girl in my 30’s and early 40’s till I decided it didn’t matter so much what other people thought, it was what I thought that counted.
My only wish is that other women learn this earlier in life!
Thanks for the great post,
Sue
Hey Sue,
Great to see you again! Yes, No 1 is probably something that we are all guilty of – to some extent at least! I think Kelly (below) has very clearly put what we need to do move beyond an ‘approval’ mindset. We need to introspect and discover what we really want. Only then can we become truly independent.
There was a story shared about Winston Churchill during a time when he had words with his valet, saying, “You were rude with me.” But the valet said to Churchill, “But sir, you were first rude with me.” Churchill turned to walk away, but under his breath was heard by the valet to say, “Yes, but I’m a great man.” This was a man who in that moment could either not live up to his own high standards or else he became a mean-spirited and self-absorbed man because he could. Here was someone whose own self-regard said in effect, “I don’t care about what you think; I only care about what I think.” It is true that one should not worry about what others think, for we should have at least the same regard for ourselves, but it also cannot be in good taste to say, “It is only what I think that matters.” Neither work.
I completely agree with you.
This context is not about disrespecting other people. Rather it’s about
overcoming our need for other people’s approval, which can be very limiting
indeed.
Interesting Stormee but can I play Devils advocate here in that you call the valet ‘ the valet’ not his name because his name is unknown or unimportant…. Yet you name Winston Churchill’s full name. I think this is because everyone knows him as they should. To be arrogant you at first need to prove you have a right to be. Sob over all people Winston Churchill in my mind has proved that right. the world would be a very different place without him I believe.
I think that was a very astute observation on your part to recognize the importance of a name. There is something spiritual about its association with its owner because it lives past its death. While W. Churchill may have won the “right” to become arrogant and mean-spirited, that right will always become attached to his name, and will live on past his grave—as you and I are realizing it in writing. Yes, each person must choose how he wants his name to carry on. Mohammad Ali was perhaps the greatest boxer who ever lived, yet his name associated him as a person with the greatest ego of all time. These were people with great talents, but associated with them was arrogance and the importance of self. By contrast, Jesus gave up everything for others, and his name lives with us in humility and compassion and love. So you are right. How we want our names to reflect who we are is a choice we make that will go on for eternity.
Yes Stormee Ali and Jesus are great examples of this. But when I think of Churchill I think of a man able to see through a difficult job that changed the course of all human history for the better, not a mean spirited man. I have nothing but admiration for him but in the end he was only human with a human nature.
I am not certain by your statement what you are suggesting that “Ali and Jesus are great examples of this.” This what?
Please go back and reread my initial comment regarding Churchill: “This was a man who in that moment…” I did not say Churchill behaved like this continually, although many regarded him as an obstinate fellow. And certainly, many attributes of him were admired. You really have skewed much of the meaning I shared regarding the author’s article.
Sorry Stormee I was a bit ambiguous there wasn’t I. I meant Jesus and Ali were known as much for a particular character trait as for their achievements and deeds. Churchill is known more for his achievements I would say. The story may well be bogus anyway…a kind of urban legend, just designed to prove the point.
Just curious. Do you think that Jesus was only a character who did not accomplish much? His whole character was about what he did. I think in three years he pulled the entire moral fabric of society out from under itself, giving us the entire New Testament, saying that all of the Law he did not come to abolish, but to fulfill. I think Jesus did more for men than all men could do past, present, and future. Just wondering how you arrived at your thoughts.
If that story is true, then Churchill was right. If the valet wants to be treated as an equal, then he should return the check that Churchill wrote him for his salary, and engage Churchill in a role other than as his paid valet. Churchill was his boss.
I am not saying that bosses shouldn’t treat employees with dignity… but it is different than engaging with peers.
There are positions of authority where we owe respect, but there are always boundaries attached to those positions. Men are not perfect, and there are healthy boundaries that we must not only create, but enforce. There are unspoken and acceptable social customs that all cultures adhere to, and one of them is manners. I may listen to my boss out of respect for his position, but I will show no favor to him as a man.
If your boss gives you an instruction, and you retort by saying he is being rude, it should come as no surprise if you get a warning or canned.
We do not know in the story whether the valet was in that moment being given any instruction, nor do we know if he would not have complied if he were. We only know that Churchill spoke first about his perception of the valet’s rudeness.. If it was true that Churchill was also rude, the valet should have been given the right to air his grievances since he was also being blamed. And if as a result, Churchill deemed it necessary to fire him, that would have been his right—but note too that the story never indicated that; instead, Churchill walked off mumbling how great a person he was—not that the valet needed to be fired.
My apologies, I had the sequence of events wrong.
There is no dispute that Churchill was of the opinion that his employee was being rude to him. The outcome is the same.
Whether Churchill was initially rude or not is immaterial. It doesn’t justify passive-aggressive disrespectful behavior toward ones boss.
I do not think the valet was being disrespectful in the least. Listen again to what he said: “But sir, you were first rude with me.” He did not shout at Churchill, or show disrespect by yelling, “Hey!” He did not appear unusually emotional. He did not argue with Churchill. He called him, “Sir.” I would not call him disrespectful by any stretch of the imagination.
More than that, I think you are getting further and further away from the point of the article. As Peter, its author shared:
“I completely agree with you.
This context is not about disrespecting other people. Rather it’s about
overcoming our need for other people’s approval, which can be very limiting
indeed.”
I agree that the whole thread has moved away from the point of the article.
One thing you must admit that the help often heard things we never would know because they were treated as “not there”. I think more truths have come out with for that very reason and allowed us to see life more realistically and more truthful. I am not excusing the mistreatment of workers. I know the historical cruelty of many employers and it’s cover up because we had no voice and no rights. Would that be considered a silver lining?
Lynn, that is a good point and a good observation. What do you think?
I’m not sure, yes and no. It is a silver lining for me because I did not have to go through it, for them it was suffering. So I guess it should at the least be humbling.
As Paul once shared, “Be content, whether well-fed or hungry.” Bless the Lord either way—just as Job did. It does not mean we cannot feel sad, and if asked, be truthful; what it does mean however is that we can rejoice in the One who is ultimately coming for us, and that no matter our circumstances, our names are written in the Book of Life.
I never thought of it as blessing the Lord. I thought of it as not knowing the wisdom of the Lord and not always knowing why the sun shown and the rain fell on the good and the evil but trusting in the Lord. What do you mean by bless the Lord.
When we do what the Lord asks, when we are obedient to Him, we are acknowledging His sovereignty. Blessing means “approval”. We are agreeing with Him, and remembering how great He is:
Psalm 103:1-5 (KJV)
Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;
Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
do you mean praise? I don’t mean to parse words but isn’t praise complimenting and isn’t blessing something God does?How can imperfection bless perfection?
Here is the original Hebrew definition:
a primitive root; to kneel; by implication to bless God (as an act of adoration), and (vice-versa) man (as a benefit); also (by euphemism) to curse (God or the king, as treason) :- × abundantly, × altogether, × at all, blaspheme, bless, congratulate, curse, × greatly, × indeed, kneel (down), praise, salute, × still, thank.Strong’s Talking Greek & Hebrew Dictionary.
So yes, bless and praise go hand in hand. We are to praise (bless) God.
I just read your post and realized you said what I meant shorter and to the point.
Thank you. A great physicist once told me that one person may understand something in three years, and another in one year. He said it did not matter how long it took—only that they both understand it. What I learn from you is humility—a far greater attribute.
Thank you! and it was good reading your posts. I would not say I am humble maybe just realistic about myself. Take care.
Perhaps being realistic about oneself is humility. It is the absence of false pride, and not having a self-regard that is too low, or too high.
I have to be truthful. I don’t like Paul too much. I don’t read the letters too much. I loved the letters Peter would write when the Church first formed. He was so full of love for his friends both brothers and sisters with such words of encouragement, blessing and love toward them. I also relate to his being reprimanded by Jesus those times yet Jesus chose him to be the rock of the Church. Anyway they were all charged with a difficult task so I shouldn’t judge them harshly so I’ll end with that judgement on myself.
Where do you get that Peter was “the rock of the Church?” Many people make that common error.
Doesn’t Peter mean rock (Petros)? and I know Peter is not the replacement of Jesus but wasn’t he charged with leading the Church to grow? Peter’s story of a fallible man who was still chosen by Jesus to spread his words speaks to me more than the others Paul and Timothy come to mind. But, like I said before they were assigned a hard task so I hesitate to judge them yet I have a hard time hearing them. Peter being told he was not immune from denying Jesus and being told that Jesus prayed he would not be the one to betray him I think prevents people from becoming too filled with themselves and overconfident. That he also argued with who would be greatest all helped me learn that we are not in total control of even our happiness, our strength our life. We are vulnerable from the greatest to the least. That helps me try to be a better person.
Thanks Lynn. Yes, Peter was a portion, fragment of the True Rock of all ages. the metaphorical meaning of which was strength and stability. The Rock was The Christ upon which His Church would be built.
I would never take away your love for Peter, a certain pillar of the Church. whom all saints have admiration and respect. For me it was the hardest working and the worst suffering of them, Paul, who has given me strength when “My grace is sufficient for you.” When I feel broken, I look to that sufficient grace Paul was given for me.
If you ever watched some of the British shows like Downton Abbey you would know that hierarchy was very important and there was a distinct class of betters that you were charged with not even meeting their eyes as it was considered impertinent. This probably developed from the royalty class and the peasant class and then those who found a place in the middle not quite as good as the top but definitely better than the bottom. That is what Churchill came from but I imagine that at his death he knew by that time it did not prevent him from following the same fate as his attendant and hopefully he knew by that time that those who took the highest seats were sometimes told to move back for another. And too he would have been a lonely voice of sound and thunder if those of lower status had decided not to fight the cause he charged them with. That is not to say that we have not had our share of peasants who set themselves up as gods. Finally it’s a good idea not to be too rude or harsh with the help as they can be a witness to the faults and foibles and set records straight of imperfect men who set themselves up as Kings and Queens.
Great perspective, Sue!
Most people are guilty of #1 in their 30’s and 40’s. People grow up., mature.., and begin to understand life in their 50’s and beyond. We begin to realize what is important and what is trivial. It is an aging process.
These are great points. The only thing in the way of our own happiness is ourselves.
Well said 🙂
Absolutely. Life becomes so much easier (and blissful) when we realize that!
ha no how are you in me in iike mo h naga po ha bakin namn haha naga po ha bakin namn haha ..
Realize what? Maybe, that we honestly need nothing to be happy! That maybe, just maybe, if we truthfully separate the “wants” from the “needs” we will find that almost all of what we have is of the wants category? Those superficial “things” that , at the time, we just couldn’t live without, are currently stuffed away in the garage with all of those other NEEDS at the time, which turned out to be extravagant wants? If we can hone down and fine tune, we find that actually our needs are pretty simple; food, clothing, shelter, love, understanding, a couple of bucks bouncing around in our pockets, I think then, we are more apt to find that happiness!
A lovely First World aphorism. I suspect a few million kids in sub-sarahan African born into abject poverty every year, who starve to death or are ravaged by disease from the moment of their birth until their early demise, can trace their misery to very specific external causes beyond their control.
perhaps it should be amended to….after your survival needs are met, then happiness is within.
Spot on.
Agreed! Our survival needs come first. Beyond that, it’s in the mind.
Peter, Peter, Peter! If we must wait until ALL of our survival needs are met in order to be happy, will we ever be truly happy? because trust me brotha, if that were the case, the list would never end! One thing after another, and on, and on, adinfinitium!!!!!!
I agree that it’s a tricky point Thom!
Pete (can I call you Pete), the point that I was trying to make is one that WE ALL are guilty of to some degree, is that it is perfectly fine to make long range aims, or goals, like meeting our basic survival needs, why must we be done before we can reap the benefits of happiness NOW. Doesn’t it make more sense to be happy, NOW, and still pursue meeting those needs as well, along the way? How much happier would our lives be if we understood our own selves, and what we need to experience happiness all the while on that path of life and all the glory that we then experience along the way? Wouldn’t we be more receptive to the good in the world and other people if we had that filter of perception on our lenses instead of in our pockets waiting to put it on???
Why brotha must we wait until all of our survival needs are met, can we than be happy? Doesn’t that state of being happy come from withing each one of us? If so, if we are on the right path, can we not be happy in pursuit of finding all of our survival needs that need to be met?
We all have our little problems
True Mutie but also said from a first world perspective I think. Natural selection is cruel but very necessary.
Wow. You think some beneficial evolutionary pressure results from inadequate distribution of resources? I don’t know how to begin to address this notion.
Resolving these kinds of needs is not about survival of our species. /Homo sapiens/ is having its time now, and it will end some day. While we’re here, we can choose to make our existence more consistently positive for as many people as possible, or we can elect to abandon the empathy built into our brains in favor of selfishness. There is no “right” answer. But choose.
Mutie unfortunately your answer is very short sighted. Of course, inadequate distribution of resources as you put it is the direct result of evolution. You need to remember we all started from the same place, with nothing. Some peoples and nations created something and some did not. Some barely evolved in the last few million years and some created huge and generally peaceful sophisticated nations and societies. You need to think bigger and look deeper for your answers.
This kind of racism is pretty sneaky. So, societies and nations that are unable to generate the resources to sustain their populations are unevolved, and just need a good dose of death and misery to help them improve? This kind of thinking is generally ignorant of the role colonial and imperial behaviors by “peaceful, sophisticated nations” played in the development of the societies you seem willing to dismiss to the dust bin.
There’s a fairly predictable social progression from family, to tribe, to kingdom, to nation. When we interrupt that progression, there are economic and social consequences for many generations which affect the welfare of people who are physically bound to a region. When we see a society stuck at tribalism, whether it’s over-identification with a religious or ethnic identity or some other limited group-level thinking, it often comes at the expense of the kind of national sensibility that can set the groundwork for economic progress. When you take a bigger, deeper look at the history leading to these marginal states, you can often tie their condition back to colonial or imperial interference in a state’s social development. This is certainly not the only problem with failed states, but it’s surprisingly common in Africa.
So, before you reply again, I suggest you take a step back and give the views you just espoused a long, hard look through an objective lens.
And to bring this back on topic, “happiness” is not simply something you control by having the right frame of mind. And it’s not something only some people deserve or have earned because they live in the “right” society.
Mutie there is no need to throw an immotive word like ‘racism’ in just for effect where it clearly doesn’t belong. I am not talking about any particular nation or peoples just the idea. Would you call me racist if I say I was glad that Homo Sapiens won over Neanderthal man. That is the bigger picture. Imperialism created almost all of the peaceful democratic societies we have today. And if they are so bad why do most people’s of the world want to emulate them. But to get back on track. ‘Happiness’ is subjective and is a bushman in the Kalahari less happy than a banker in London or New York….I think not. Happiness is perhaps appreciating what you do have and not bemoaning what you don’t.
I’m not calling you a racist; perish the thought. I don’t know you. At all. I’m using that word to describe the idea that some nations and people are “more evolved” than others. Peace.
Sorry Mutie, wife just about to give birth and i am a little highly strung at the moment. Thanks for the discussion.
No harm done. Congrats on the new arrival.
Most people recall the “top” moments of their lives as being the ones with the most stress and difficulties. Soldiers remember the war. Many studies show the happiest people are struggling young families trying to raise kids and make ends meet. Satisfying all of your material needs might just be a ticket to unhappiness, or at least boredom. When you get to the point of “I got mine”, one of the best next steps is to help others get there’s instead of staying snug inside in front of the TV.
I think it’s different for every person, especially since every person thinks differently. We all have different views/ perceptions, experiences, and upbringings. Gratitude is what makes people happy. When I was a young girl, my dad taught me a valuable lesson: get what you need, not what you want. You can want the world and have many materialistic things, but still be unhappy. Materialstic things only bring temporary happiness. Real happiness comes from things money can’t buy. And you’re right watching TV is a waste of time. We can do better things with our time! =)
Such unfortunate people would be very unlikely to be reading this article.
Have you read The Miracle of Mindfulness? It has plenty of examples of people who have truly suffered and never lost sight of their sense of happiness. You can be in unhappy situations, it doesn’t mean you have to be unhappy,
You have a good point, but, the sad reality is that 1% of the people in the world hold most of what we call “wealth” & continually conspire to monopolize on all resources. If we re-distribute wealth we can create biodomes, terraforming and green houses for survival and sustenance in places conditions are forbidding. Science & Technology in the right hands can create a country like Israel in the middle of the desert.
<3
Very true! As they say in my tribe: The evil spirit of a man is the man himself. That is, there is nothing like the devil to blame for your misfortune. Only the devil in you is the cause of all your pain and unhappiness.
You are so right “peace within” (wish I had thought of that for my logo)! If we seek happiness, then we only have to look no further than with ourselves. If we truly wish happiness, then be happy!!! It really is that simple. Why is it that in my extensive travels around the world, is it that almost inevitably the majority of happy people are those who have very little from a material standpoint, however, they seem to have everything to offer, that counts in life. A meal, a handshake, that particular smile at just the right time, a heart to heart conversation where they listen as much as they talk? And yet, seemingly, those who have everything, in reality, have nothing. Miserable, unhappy, sad, mean, rude, crude, and feel that they are entitled to everything, yet, give nothing???
GREAT post!!! Wonderful insight/advice! Thank you for sharing your wisdom/learned lessons! 🙂
Glad to hear that you found it so useful! Thank you so much!
This is so meaningful to my life right now.. who am I and what makes me happy? I’ve been doing quite a bit of sole searching and thinking about mistakes in my life that I haven’t let go. Those feelings are holding me back. I’m holding my self back from being truly happy.
Your article has been extremely in site full.
Thank you for sharing.
Hey Letty,
“I’m holding my self back from being truly happy.” – It’s great to hear you say that, because it means that you are in control of your own happiness. Like I said in point 5, we can choose to be happy – it’s not determined by destiny!
Wishing you all the best with your journey ahead.
Pete, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. These beliefs certainly hold us all back if we fall prey to them, and not necessarily just in the way of happiness, but in all aspects of life!
If I was to add to this, it would probably be that you don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s not expected of anyone. Being unhappy is as equally purposeful as our happiness, and when we learn to accept this — the heights of happiness skyrocket.
Loved the post. Thanks.
Hi Jake,
Excellent observation! Yes, we can’t be happy all the time – it’s not possible really! However, if we expect to, we only welcome disappointment. It sounds like a riddle, but not expecting happiness all the time can sometimes lead to happiness!
It’s fascinating how our minds work!
“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you
have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it
never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello
You know the evolution (in my opinion) made the brain like this – if some behavior or state is evolutionary positive – there is a big probability of a positive emotion. If some behavior is potentially harmful or evolutionary negative – there is negative emotion.
So should I think that in a normal neurologically functioning brain the occurence of negative emotions (unhappiness) is evitable with just the right “thinking”? 🙂
Normally functioning brains aren’t supposed to be OCD about perfection, stuck in the past, or subject to negative emotions all the time either.
Nope Karel, every emotion is there for a reason. It’s important to grieve when someone close to us passes away. However, in time, it’s also important to move beyond the tragedy and continue to live our lives fully.
We can’t wish away our negative emotions, but we can choose to be happier by taking specific actions.
“your past doesn’t control your future, unless you let it” it’s true, i like this post 🙂
That’s right Anissa! There are millions of people who are doing great despite whatever lemons life has thrown at them. Why can’t we all do the same? Every single day is an opportunity to look at life with a fresh perspective. We just need to realize that the opportunity exists!
So, the question is does your psychological approach to living predispose you to happiness, or do you create the conditions that promote happiness? Or some of both?
I’d suggest contentment is a much more viable option for living a life of high quality. One belief (#2), that has validity for me, is not owing anyone economically. It reduces the angst of knowing you have fiscal obligations that require employment and long term commitment. It can be a motivating force for some – I suppose – but I prefer knowing I am debt free. Not wealthy, just debt free.
This ( being debt free, free of fiscal obligation) being the key to happiness is also mentioned in hindu scriptures ( yakshaprashna in Mahabharata )
Thanks for the feedback. Frugality enters the lexicon of many theological texts. It’s not surprising, since I view it as a surrogate for delayed gratification and lack of impulsivity, which clearly would have been desirable traits in early civilizations.
Ignorance and fallacies /false beliefs makes us unhappy / keeps us unhappy.
accept responsibility for ones life. Know oneself ( what one is, what one needs, what ones preferences / priorities are ) and live for that. None is answerable to us, we are accountable to only our own selves.
I really like what you said – “We are accountable to only our own selves.” I completely believe in that. One of the most difficult things in life is to be at peace with our own selves, but it’s something we should all strive for. Thanks for commenting!
A very thought provoking article, enjoyed thoroughly.
Great to hear that Thomas, thank you!
No,thank you.Will add this to my life.
Le questionnement est un droit et un devoir de chaque citoyen, nous ne pouvons pas simplement accepter tout ce qui nous est imposée, nous serions comme des esclaves qui obéissent à leurs maîtres.
Nous sommes libres et donc pas seulement le droit et le devoir de se interroger.
I don’t normally read this type of stuff, but I stumbled upon this at a time in my life I could really use it. Thank you and great post!
Thanks for dropping by! I am glad you found it useful, especially at the ‘right’ time.
My pleasure, and thank you for taking the time to write a reply!
I thought this article would be pure fluff. I was wrong and have learned these lessons the hard way. Great article!! 😀
Thanks man!
I learn things the hard way, the only way (it seems) for me too often.
Good article… maybe some of it is self-serving… but i like this perspective more than trying to control things too much.. I have learned the hard way, that there is no control and that desiring anything should always be questioned… why do we do the things we do..? I think that the illusion of “happiness” is strong with society and there’s a reason why so many people who would be defined as having “everything”, routinely turn out to be deranged, neurotic and miserable..
I don’t want to be that, but maybe because I already have I know that… I dunno.. Sometimes I wonder what I am supposed to want. I don’t know anymore. The more I ask myself the question the more my reply is just… what I already have….
I think this way, I try to put things in my life into two categories, is this a want or is this a need, and in doing so, I find that the stack much outweighs the other and that the wants far outweigh the needs! If I look at things from the proper perspective, that I MUST admit that my needs are very basic; shelter, happiness, food, water, love, some cash, clothing—the rest is all wants. Once I determine that simple fact, is this want something that I just cannot live without, can I really afford it, will it bring me true happiness or will it be set aside soon only to be replaced by the next want? Look into your garage, or closet, or closets and see just how many wants you have stashed away somewhere??
Right, right… I have been living the minimalist lifestyle for a few years now… Basically I don’t own much of anything and I get by on the extreme basics… I’m frequently not eve in possession of all of those as a matter of fact. Ppl think I’ve gone crazy, but I think they’re crazy for spending their whole lives working for shit that they don’t need it only want to impress people they don’t even like…
Everything was rolling along smoothly enough until I started realizing I’m pretty isolated… So I recently started pondering whether I should start “wanting” more for myself again…. My family seems concerned that I’m more than apt to live a life of poverty, but I don’t see it that way. At the same time I do worry that maybe I’m becoming a bit disconnected from the rest of the world. Honestly though the way the world is I have to say, that’s kind of what I was going for…
-sincerely,
The lone cyclist
You keep on truckin’ brotha! They’ll catch on or catch up, if they are lucky, but, in the meantime, keep on truckin’!!!
I’m struggling with living in a city that I despise. I know we will only be here two more years but those years feel like eons! I’m getting through by finding happiness in seeing cardinals outside my window (we don’t have them where I am from), dogs being walked outside my window, silly jokes with my husband. I try to notice every scrap of happiness where I can find it. It doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly available to be powerful. The city does hold me back physically, but I try to note when my unhappiness truly is attributable to the city and when it isnt. It is so easy to get caught up in blame for unhappiness, and that way leads to not being as able to find the little pieces of happiness along the way.
Don’t focus on the “two years” but instead focus your attentions on today, this very moment and look for the beauty that surrounds you. The trees, flowers, birds, your very cup of coffee, the person that you are sharing your life with, your children, your job, your health, and I could go on an on with a list, but, I think that you get my point. Sometimes when we focus the ugliness, we can and more times than not, lose sight of what is really important to us, that very thing, or person, that makes everything worth while, that makes us happy.
Yes? That’s what I said?
I agree. It’s a vicious cycle of blame. It took me a long time to like the city I am in and every once in a while I get the urge to want to leave but somehow the good parts keep me attached. Anyway it’s good to explore and experience new places. With me it was attachment to my kids that made my roots grow. I hate the thoughts of leaving where they are.
I really enjoyed reading this, I must say there are points in my life I found my self going through these different beliefs/stages …I honestly do need and want to be happy/happier.
I believe that happiness comes from within each of us. We, each of us, are about as happy as we make our minds up to be! That was a quote from none other that Abraham Lincoln. Absolute truth! We truly are as happy as we make our minds up to be. I read above that someone hates winter and can’t wait until spring to be happy again? Well, winter is part of the cycle which completes itself every fourth cycle. Winter is the clearing of un-necessary things on earth, Spring is the beginning of new things on earth, and so on. Its all about constant evolution of life. The yin and the yang, if you will. I have lost everything in my life at age 60, my home, autos, career job, financially flat broke, just got out of prison after doing 7.5 years straight, but, I must say in all honesty, that I have never been happier in my life-NEVER! It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with myself, especially having hated myself to the point that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I have learned that I honestly cannot expect another to love me when I couldn’t even like myself!!! Sad, but true! It took me years to be self-honest enough to see my flaws regarding self-hatred, through years of drug addiction, isolation, alcoholism, to therapy and psychiatry, to eventually find myself. I believe that, at the core, we must find our purpose and meaning in life before we can develope a firm footing and roots in our pathway and journey through life and become comfortable with who we are, and be happy not only with our successes, but our failures as well as they pave the way to our successes and are simply learning blocks for how not to do it next time.
Thank you for your
thought-provoking comments Thom.
I really appreciate what you said about “happy not only with our successes, but our failures as well”.
There are many who believe that life is a series of lessons that give us the opportunity to grow spiritually. Being completely at peace with our failures is one of the most difficult things to do, but I believe that people who can have truly achieved a lot in life.
Life IS a series of tests, and if we are conscious enough, aware enough, than we in turn make them lessons or experiences that we can draw upon, from time to time, to recharge ourselves and evolve from, we can educate and help others from our own experiences, and lessons, if you , to will help others (and ourselves) through those particularly tough times and enable us to see through to the other side. With every trial or tribulation, there is a negative and a positive side to it. It is up to us to determine which is which, and if it is a negative, it is then up to us to flip it, to find the positive, the learning lesson, and make the most out of it. That is what makes it such a powerful “experience” as we many times have worked to find this nugget and then, we tend to treasure it that much more, as an accomplishment, a success. That is what I was referring to last night about counting even our failures as successes if we just look for the good in anything that happens to us. It all happens for a reason, if only we can become wise enough to seek out that truth! Peace!
Great observations Thom!
then, be happier!!! I find it truly to be just that simple. If I’m not happy, then who is it up to to determine my happiness? Who is going to bring me that deserved happiness? If I’m not happy, I need to stop and rethink what brings me to that state of being HAPPY? And if I find that it is EVER anything outside of myself, then it is NOT TRUE HAPPINESS! I NEED TO RE-ADJUST MY INTERNAL THINKING PROCESS AND TO GET BACK ON TRACK. I find that this is something that isn’t permanent, instead, something that needs continual work, and many times, it is work, however, the results are more than worth the effort.
Want to be happier? Try taking a moment or two, looking around you and simply count your blessings? What are you grateful for? What, in your life could be better? What could be worse? Are you taking time to take in the view, the beauty, the simplicity of everything in it’s magnificent wonder? We must all, all of us, take these times to help us put our lives into a better, clearer perspective! Are we simply taking “things” for grantide, or , are we taking the time to value “what we have?” Or, are we just looking for and paying attention to what we DON’T have?
Very nice article. There is a theory in criminology, Robert Merton’s “strain” theory, which says that the belief in the “American Dream” or financial success, in our society actually can lead to crime. As poor people see “the Dream” supposedly lived out all around them, and in advertisements, t.v., the movies, where everyone else seems to be able to afford everything they want, they also want to have what they want (or have been taught to want). But with few opportunities for education, good jobs, or any jobs, and living in neighborhoods which might be classified as “food deserts”, where people can’t buy nourishing food because there are only liquor stores, or convenience stores, where all the housing belongs to “the projects”, hopeless people turn to crime to obtain what they’ve been taught to want but can’t get legitimately. And of course not only poor people are taught that they ought to be able to consume endlessly, nor is the “American Dream” myth only believed by the poor. And not only the poor commit crimes. We all ought to look at what we have been taught to believe, at what we think we should want, how we think we should live in our society. A lot of it is unnecessary to happiness. Maybe even antithetical to happiness.
Great observations Karen.
Yes – society has its conventional paradigms about what constitutes happiness. Once we begin to question them, we discover a lot of logic loopholes. It’s important to keep questioning our beliefs.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Bad marriages, bad decisions and bad company fed my addictions for years. Drugs, sex, alcohol and self loathing brought me to the brink of disaster before I had an awakening to my plight. You have to want to change and know the steps to take to get there. If someone at that time had told me that 30 years later I would be clean, sober, successful and most of all happy….I’d have offered them a hit of whatever I happened to be on at the time. Old habits died hard. I had no professional help. I have the love of a good woman who stood by me in my darkest hours and never let me forget that I was the most important person in her life. Never give up!
Good job, man. Good job.
We have soo much to be grateful for, yet, more times than not, we get so caught up in everything else going on (like that shinny object that takes our attention off of what we need to be focusing on) that we miss just what IS important. We need to express that gratitude toward others, in every way, in order to truly benefit from that very gift, life itself!!!
This is pretty inspirational. Thank you
You want inspiration, look at the sky. Watch the sunset, sunrise, and next time, stop what your doing, and see the sunrise, feel it, become one with it. Make any sense? By being in the moment, truly in THAT moment, for that brief segment in time, nothing else matters ! ! ! Now, imagine if we could do the same in other aspects of our life? Couldn’t/wouldn’t that be soo beneficial to our internal scale, that balance, that equolibrium. Just think how we would improve our outlook, our very perspective towards life. We’d most assuredly want that feeling MORE AND MORE, AND MORE! Just like the best drug we’ve ever experienced, only, this is a natural high, only we can rwmember ALL of it! Just think about that.
I prefer the actual ‘drug’ route, personally.
Well, if you believe that will bring you the happines that you feel you deserve, go ahead, knock yourself out! I’ll still be here when (if) you make it back! ! ! But, before you go, can I ask you one question? What are you going to substitute when the substitution of drugs are gone?
Now THAT – Is a DAMN good question Thom!
Happy trails!!!!
ano
NEVER give up is an important, if not the most important thing that we can believe in. I too, suffered for most of my life with addictions to Sex, drugs, alcohol, and well just about anything that would aid in getting me away from the focus of ME. I was so bad at my end that I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror, and you are right in the respect that WE, each of us, have this eppiphany, this awakening, this coming to this bottom, that we must reach out for help from another. Call it surrender, call it faith. hope, whatever you may wish to call it, the reality is that we internally recognize that we CANNOT do this alone! So, once we realize this, we know that we need help, we come to this realization that we must now find out what we can do to never return to that way, that day again. If we are absolutely sure that we wish to change, then we must begin somehow to make those very changes. Gandhi once said “be the change you wish to see in the world!” What I get from that is that I must understand that I actually have absolutely no control over anything that happens outside of myself. I can only control ME, my actions, my reactions, my thoughts, my belief structure, my attitudes in and about life. In order for me to succeed, I first must let go of everything and that is what any 12 step program teaches; surrender is the key! Only until I surrender will I ever have any chance for change and to overcome any and all addictions. Kuddos for you for an apparent success at overcoming your demons, however, I wasn’t so fortunate. I had to seek outside help through medical help and 12 step help in order to properly put my life on a path of happiness, joy, and eventually freedom.
Help comes in many ways, from within, from clergy or from professional sources. The important thing is that it’s help. If you don’t embrace it and use it for your betterment, you won’t progress. Every step however small is a victory. I would have sought help except for the fact that I worked for a governmental agency that had they found out would have fired me immediately. I was a functioning addict which is why I went for so long without changing. In another “small” kind of victory, I was summarily fired when the truth came out. I turned myself around and seven years later they amazingly offered me a better position. I rejected them explaining that had they shown compassion for me and offered treatment I would have recovered sooner. they listened politely and actually did a review of their policies and made changes. A small victory for me …a great victory for someone later hopefully.
Great story and it even had great a moral to it. Thanx for sharing it with me. I always lovesomeone who shares something personal with me. It does give me some extra faith and hope in man-
kind in that it further proves in my belief that we are all an equal part in this universe, and any change, any movement in the right direction, has an affect on all of us! Ever seen the ripple effect done with a stone which is cast into a pond which has a smooth glassine surface? Well that stone, when it hits the surface, will ripple out creating a circular ringand then another ripple and so on, and so on, for the entirety of the size of the pond! Well, I believe that all that we do, has that very same cause and effect, which directly, or indirectly, affects each and every one of us, to some degree or another. Say we give an unwanted smile to someone who seems down, or unhappy. Well, that very simple gesture will, and does (believe it or not) have an affect on the person with whom it was given and maybe this person shares that little gift to someone at work who was contemplating suicide bacause they were so lonely and seemingly unnoticed by all she worked with, and here you come and simply “paid it forward.” No big deal, however, it was a great deal to that one person! Make sense to you?
Yes, my only wish is that I could help people who feel that there is no hope. It’s a terrible feeling.
Yes brother, however, I think that the best way to give people HOPE is to be that example of strength, that pillar of strength, that power of example. By them seeing that force within you, energizing outward, they WILL SEE and believe in you, and possibly then themselves!
There are so many forms of help out there just waiting for us to simply pick them up! There is a saying, “The mysteries of life are there for those willing to pick them up, to see them!” How sweet is that ? We again get so wrapped up in everything else, that we cloud our judgement by trivial, unimportant JUNK, stuff that doesn’t really matter in the long run, that we lose sight of what’s really important!! When is the last time that you told your mother that you LOVE her, not just in passing, or closing like at the en of the usual phone call, saying, “I love you too, mom?) I mean by picking up the phone and calling her, JUST TO TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER, AND JUST HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE WHAT SHE HAS DONE FOR YOU? You know, the day will come (God forbid), when she WON’T be there anymore! How many of us, with clear a conscious, will be able to say with all honesty, that you have said all that you needed to say? Just think for a moment, just how guilty we would feel when we are confronted with the shame of knowing that “I should have said this?,” or, “I wish I had told her that?”
well, don’t put it off, say it now!!!Enough said!
About 8 years ago, my second wife asked me to forgive her for her transgressions during our marriage. I had never considered it and didn’t feel like I could just “forget about it”. I told her in no uncertain terms that I couldn’t even though we had been divorced for nearly twenty years. Unbeknownst to me, she was dying and was trying to make amends with those she had wronged. By the time I relented and had realized that holding that grudge only hurt me….it was too late. She died in May 2010 of cancer. I’m trying now to forgive myself for my selfishness. Sometimes we hurt ourselves while trying to punish others. It’s a lesson I won’t soon forget.
No one likes to be made a fool of but real foolishness comes from giving someone licence to make a fool of you again.
“Honi soit qui mal y pense”.
Which could be reinterpreted as ‘shame on you if you make a fool of me but shame on me if I let you do it again’.
However, I would like to think that I can forgive, but I never forget.
Which works, providing you are capable of compartmentalising past transgressions by keeping them in context!
i.e. The past is in the past, let’s see how we can learn from our mistakes and move forward from this!
Very well put AA, especially the last part, the i.e.!!! Make no mistake, our past IS a very important aspect of who we are today, only the important thing is what we do with that past and you touched on it with you statement about forgiving. If one cannot forgive, for whatever reason, then it simply bottled up regression and resentment which, over time, is just like a cancer that will only fester, grow and kill you. Hatred is a dasterly, insidious disease that will only eat you up from the inside! Ever met someone who was so venemous that they ooze from every pore of their existance (cause it ain’t living), and you can just feel the negative energy when you walk into the room? And you come to find out that their wife cheated on them 35 years ago and ran off with that damn milkman? They never let it go, they never forgot, and yes, they never forgave her for it. I mean, the damn milkman, how degrading. How could I forgive her that? No remember, that was 35 years ago, and look now where it has gotten him? His whole entire life wasted, just sitting, welling up in it FOR THEIR ENTIRE LIFE!!!
Good points Thom, but let me just say this about that…. How – or better yet – WHY would you ever “forgive” someone who had absolutely zero remorse for the way(s) they had so terribly wronged you? That said, being able to “let go” of resenting anger, bitterness, and hurt feelings, is absolutely crucial if not imperative to ones well being, but to actually “forgive” a person who has no regard for the hurt they caused, seems down right ludicrous and a bit self serving to me… Maybe it is just me – but I believe that to “Forgive” someone who doesn’t ask for it, doesn’t want it, and doesn’t give a single hoot if you have recovered from the perils of their evil doings – doesn’t deserve your forgiveness….
Why would I ever forgive someone who has “zero” remorse, you ask? Well, let me try and explain it this way.
There are going to be many times in our lifetime when we MUST make amends, or ask for someone else’s forgiveness. By the same token, there will be others who will ask the same from us. The relevance is not really the issue as much as the ACT of forgiveness! It is not really that important that they actually forgive us. NOWHERE near as much as important as WE forgive ourselves. See, the act of forgiving is our own ability to, recognize, own, and acknowledge our own weakness, our very own imperfectness or our humaness.! Once we can forgive ourselves our flaws and imperfections, and only then, can we truly “LET GO” and move on with freedom! And that is where the real strength and growth happens. Spiritual growth. We, each of us have this spiritual seed planted deep within us and it our responsibility to feed it, to put the sticks in that will allow this plant to grow straight and strong. Beginning with the ROOTS, which will determine how strong the spiritual seed within us grows! No different than with a small tree. Storms come and go, droughts come and go, bugs and insects come and go, and thus, only the strong baby trees grow and eventually become magnificent, beautiful trees! In my very limited knowledge, it is no different for us. We are the same, so, if I nurture a small tree, or plant, or flower by feeding it nutrients to help it grow strong, why would I do any different with something as powerful and beautiful as my SPIRITUAL self? It is a life-long process and takes lots of care, love, and coaxing, but, just think of what it can and will do, and if done properly, just think of the help and blessings that can be bestowed upon others that we cross on our personal path of life? What a beautiful journey we all have lying in front of us, some shorter than others, however, grand possibilities face each of us so why not make the most and beneficial rewards that we can pass on?
I see… I must say – that was a damn good response Thom – I really liked the whole ROOTS analogy, and thought your entire explanation was just incredibly insightful…. You definitely provoked a shift in my viewpoint on this issue… I wish I was better at letting go of the anger and bitterness that I tend to harbor due to past betrayals, etc. etc… None the less, thank you very much for the awesome reply – I am actually going to print it out! 😉
You know it is sometimes sad when we realize just how dumb we actually can be, especially when we realize that, hey, wait a minute. I’m smarter than the average bear, finished high school, got a four year college degree, successful in my carreer, friends that look up to me, family who loves and accepts me, for me, and yet, I do something sooo stupid like holding a grudge or resentment like the one you spoke of. Let me pose a question to you; just who did I show by making and holding that resentment? Who was I actually hurting by that? Just who and what did I honestly hurt by that and what point did I make? Alright, alright, that was 4 or 5 questions wrapped into that paragraph, but please don’t harbor a resentment against ME! I need all the friends I can get!
Hey Pete, I got your e-book! Am I gonna like it, love it, want more of it? Is it going to make me a changed man? Question? Will I ever be able to walk on water? Will I ever be able to go back in time 40 years and stay there???
Many times we make mistakes to regret later. The reason is that we may feel happy of a certain behavior attitude for which we will feel sorry later. The wisdom we need to forgive and to be really happy sometimes runs away from us and chooses to never return. When we know that God forgives us everyday and or bare us in our daily mess, we must try to double our speed in foriving others. Jesus Himself said that if we do not forgive, we shall have no forgiveness before His Father. It is reall. We must be in certain spiritual level to know and to understand the concept of forgiveness. The forgiveness goes to deeper when we take consideration that wives and husbands are one flesh before the God of Heaven. The feeling they share is stronger more than anything else. Hatred may come to separate the best union in the world. However, it is important to remember some invisible enemies love division since they were in Heaven before God kicked them away from His presence. Therefore, we become their target to steal our peace and our happinesss. In Jesus, we have hope to overcome all of them.
We all have need. But even the clergy or the professional can give very bad help. So many of the world died and perished because of the bad helps. Therefore, Jesus even said that He will punish those bad help givers. We can never forget that the good help really helps by even saving life for eternity. It is sometime incorporated with the need to sell the souls of many to another master of the world and he remains unknown or mysterious since he is invisible like a Santa. It is good for sharing and open our mind on more activities surrounding us. We may not be critical, but thinkers of truth. We let it go and to return with final positive answers. Help must be taught to be thanskful for.
My philosophy exactly.
Not to start an argument, but let us agree for a moment with the Christian belief that Jesus died horribly and returned to life. That is the perfect example of what you just stated.
(Weird… 12 step program… 12 Apostles… )
Brother, there ain’;t a chance of an argument here! I am very familiar with the Christian religion, I was brought up in the order of Catholicism, and you are right, that was a perfect example, however, that wasn’t my thought at that time, but, you are correct.
HE CALLED ME BROTHER!!!! Now we’re family!!!
Are we all not BROTHERS and SISTERS. Are we not all one with the universe? Think about that for a moment!
This is the problem with speaking in absolutes. Are most of us family? Eh, I don’t buy it, but at least it is a reasonable statement. Is Bin Laden and/or ISIS family? Hell no, by their own choice.
I’m not speaking in any absolutes. I don’t draw lines and make invisible barriers. I’m about the opposite, breaking down those walls and barriers. And yes, brother, of one thing that is pure, raw truth, We are all brothers and sisters! Regardless of all of the racial barriers, we all fall under one truth, and that is that we are all “HOMO SAPIENS!” now, ifr you wish to call that an absolute, feel free, however, it is not that but instead, the blinding TRUTH! Bin Laden, Hitler, Stalin, Marx, Aristotle, Eintsein, Plato, Lincoln, all brothers! Now, some we may be embarrest by, but rest assured of one thing, we all came from the same tree, if you will, and many times we may not be proud of that fact, but fact is still fact! Even Darwin explained this in detail. Granted, this is a dog eat dog world and it is the survival of the fittest, however, everything regardless of what religion, faith, philosophy, theory, all go back to that same root! PEACE!!
I like the way you think. I find it inspiring. I wish more people looked at the world that way.
I just don’t happen to agree with it.
And I don’t think it is in the least bit insane to see the world as you do 🙂
I agree, we are all related, due to having shared DNA and shared ancestry.
I define the word “family” differently. I think of “family” as my support network. The word “family” to me isn’t associated with “who I am related to”.
The people who are in my family are those who want to be, and who deserve to be, because they are a good, decent, selfless person. Some close relations of mine are not in my “family” (because they aren’t good people), and other people who are not close relations at all are in my “family”, because they are terrific examples of what humanity should aspire to.
Thank you for your kind words. I value your input and I understand and appreciate your distinction as it differs from mine. That’s cool! We certainly can agree to disagree. I find that, for me at least, I attempt to decypher what I consider to be the distiction of my inner and outer circle of friends and the many, many layers that encompass that word “family” or “brother” and what it does involve.
In the much broader sense of the word, we ARE all brothers, yet, they do differ from my family and “close” friends. Now, where do those monsters fit in? Well, they DO belong to the family of man, however, they certainly are in the far outside of that realm, but, they are my brothers all the same, but, they wouldn’t be invited to dinner and they sure aren’t on my Christmas card list either.
It is also about layers of layers that we, as individuals, as societies, do establish something like we were talking about, but I do wholeheartedly believe that as we do become more and more aware, more conscious, we then widen our spectrum of belief and become more compassioate, more caring, more tolerant, patient, acceptable and more loving towards even those who cannot recipicate those feelings and emotions back! Maybe because of a kind gesture from us, or another, they just may see the light. What light? Maybe openmidedness, understanding or listening, learning sharing an act of kindness, randomly or on purpose, who knows, but, it works. I’ve seen the miricle of it happen.
And, YES, we are all family ! ! !
If you believe in the man upstairs that controls EVERYTHING in the WORLD ALL THE TIME.., makes perfect sense!
We ALL have our beliefs as to where we come from, who is in control, who, created everything, and the list could go on and on, but the important thing IS TO BELIEVE in something greater than oneself. Whether that takes one over the fence into a religion or spirituality, or a philosophy such as Buddhism, or whatever. To me, that is a very personal belief and as almost always, tends to lead into a heated debate, which almost inevitably leads into an argument, and by my standards of today, I try at almost all costs to to be more invitational and less confrontational. Seems to be working out OK so far!
Twelve can be found in 187 places in the bible. Revelation alone has 22 occurrences of the number. The meaning of 12, which is considered a perfect number, is that it symbolizes God’s power and authority, as well as serving as a perfect governmental foundation. It can also symbolize completeness or the nation of Israel as a whole. For example, Jacob (Israel) had twelve sons, each of which represented a tribe begun by a prince, for 12 princes total. Ishmael, who was born to Abraham through Hagar, also had twelve princes.
God specified that twelve unleavened cakes of bread be placed every week in the temple with frankincense next to each of the two piles that were to be made. The priests were commanded to change the bread every Sabbath day (Leviticus 24).
Christ called and choose twelve men to bear witness to what he did and to spread the good news of the gospel to the entire world. After he was raised from the dead, Jesus told the eleven disciples (Judas had killed himself) that God had given him ALL power and authority in both earth and heaven (God’s divine authority – Matthew 28:18).
Twelve thousand from each tribe of Israel (144,000 total) will receive salvation during the end time’s Great Tribulation (Revelation 7). Another set of 144,000 (12 x 12,000) will be taken from earth in order to serve and follow the Lamb of God (Revelation 14:1 – 5). Christ’s bride in Revelation 12, the church, wears a crown containing twelve stars.
New Jerusalem, which is made in heaven and brought to the earth by God himself, contains 12 gates made of pearl which are each manned by an angel. Over each gate will be one of the names of Israel’s twelve tribes. The walls are 144 cubits high (12 multiplied by itself – Revelation 21:16 – 17), with the city itself being 12,000 furlongs square.
🙂
My. medicine cabinet is full, but I only take, what I need to live, and get though every day. The problems that I have experienced, is that I’m 51 years of age, and I have to take pain pills to get threw the day, but I don’t take them every day I just take them, when I can’t take the pain anymore.
What happens, is the doctors prescribe them and says take them every day 1, 2, or three a day, but I learned the hard way, take them when you need them, and as a last resort, it is a sneaky little pill, it will make your body lie to you, and before you know it, your hooked
Now I pray and believe in My higher power, because my higher power keeps me on that strait, and narrow path!
May your higher power, bless you, and your family, and stay, guide, and keep you safe, every day.
Thanks for your wisdom !!!!!!
You sound like someone I know who chases pain. Are the pills you take for pain very addicting that you fear them? I don’t know the details but pain can affect you just as addiction can affect you. Anyway a nurse explained to me that by the time you take a pain pill when the pain is unbearable it is already too late and you are just chasing the pain and not relieving yourself from pain. Shouldn’t you talk to a pain counselor who might help you not be afraid of the pills. I am not sure because I don’t know the details. Anyway I admire your spiritual fortitude but you might be surprised that many pain medications come from nature or maybe there are alternatives that you could take that would not be so addicting, or maybe a rotation of different pain medications might help you not get addicted to one type. I think you should talk to a professional and maybe even find one who also is of your same spiritual soul and understands your concerns. I am sorry you experience chronic pain.
Yea I tend to wait too long, and chase but, I just don’t want too depend on them, for myself if I take them every day, I get too used to that, and it clouds my brain , and my restraints come off, pain medicine is veRy tricky to me, and I think I am super man , and all they do is mask the problem, and that’s when I really over do it! So for me I need to feel my true feeling, so I truly know if it is pain or, just relying on the pill.
Thanks Lynn for that, yea I use pain patches, one every week, and oxycodone , very addictive, you get the same feeling as you would if you took Harrion, so I got to test myself after a few days to make sure that I need them, and make sure my mind isn’t , lying to me, so I feel a little pain is good, it makes me know I’m still alive. Oh I have tried every thing under the sun, and also, have a pain specialist, and therapist, and thank you for your ideas, I will talk to both of them, and may god bless u and your family!
Thank you for your kind words. I know what you mean being concerned that addictive pills can cover up other things besides pain and even things that we should face but the pills numb the mind also. It sounds like you are the master over your pain and that is good. I’m glad to hear you have professionals looking out for you. God bless you and your family also!
Thank you very much, for your concern!!!
Hey MB, thanx for the words of wisdom and strength! I certainly needed to hear them and assure me of the guidance that I can always use on my own path of recovery! I too, am prescribed pain meds (I just last Friday, 2/27, had right knee surgery), and just celebrating 9 years in recovery, am torn between what I NEED and that am I taking too much, but I trust myself, my 2 sponsors (1 in Arizona and 1 here in Maryland), and I have found that I tend to allow myself to suffer too much in pain out of fear of taking to much. The long and short of this is that I am doing exactly as you are. I forget the fear, take the pain meds as I need them, write down the date and time of day for each pill, and forget about with a clear conscious! There comes a time when we must let go of the fear and trust OUR OWN judgement, no1t neglecting the guidence and tools at our disposal. That’s what they are for, to use these tools as our guides!
PEACE!!!
Not a problem, I know myself very we’ll, and if I don’t pay close attention, I will loose control! That’s what I mean about keeping the door of the past, cracked open so I remember where I have been, and don’t want to go back too.
Thom it was my pleasure, and thank you for sharing, it helps me to know I’m not alone! Again stay strong, and stay In touch with your higher power, and he will stay In touch with you.
——>
Failure to stand fast can be a defeat later in our life . Even Jesus says so.
When it is time for help, we do consider advice. Dealing with negative issues in our life must convey us to urgent life support. The help to find healing and to live a better life has never been bad. We may even add medical help and the clergy is also part of the spiritual help. The clergy part can be double. One to heal physically and emotionally, The other part is to be healed by Jesus bringing healing on what does affect the body and the soul at the same time. We must also love our soul that is our eternity. I simply add the extra because we all need it.
Respect brother. All the best to you and yours 🙂
Good for you bro, and thanks for sharing your experiences with us all. It really does make a difference. Hopefully we can all find that support system that you’ve found in your lady.
Well said Pete! We can never give up!
I totally relate to everything you said!!!
No one can disagree with you that those negative ones do exist. When even God from Heaven sent messages to many who fear Him and call His name for help before making decision. We do not usually think of it as sign of warning even if we notice it, God geniumly told them no. “The decision for union, unity, or connection is very bad; please stay away from it.” But some companies who are tricky seem nice and good. People change like the sunny days which become cloudy and rainy later. Yet, the thunders do not come first, they come later when regrets are not enough to cry from. We see it everyday from around the world.
It was someone that wrote, “The heart has its reasons that the reason does not know.” I cannot remember the name of the philosopher, but it does stand out here.
I have been there in many occasions. Some people approached me to enquire about a decision that seems to be very helpful and very profitable. I told some of them, “Tonight, before you go to bed, kneel by your bed or in the living room, pray God saying, if it is your will for me to say to such and such one or to that group of people, show me. I thank you in advance.”
It happened that to one of them, the same night God gave a dream and in that dream. the person who prayed God for help saw herself in a group of people. Those people talked, laughed, and drunk. Finally, all of them left the table and she was alone with a yellow table cover. What did that mean at that time?
God is always good and He always listens to prayers made with humble hearts meaning without pride. In the morning, that person went to the group and said, “No, I changed m y mind, I do not want to be part of this group.” She told me the dream and I helped out to brake the union. It always is a very good idea to be directed to someone that can really be helpful. We see or read where the supports are not always complete. The final helper is God. When we move God out of the equation, something really misses out. We remain half informed. We are human, we can go little further for more wisdom. What did happen in said no to the said group?
Three months later, there were divisions, fights, and even death that was recorded among the making of the group..
Bad companies have always been a problem. A woman plot with her friends to kill her husband for money, Again, I was there and God helped me to tell the husband that he really needed some help in prayer and that was supposed to be complemented and implemented in less time before the Television Screen. He listened and finally, he discovered the plot to be murdered for sordid gain. He divorced his wife later. God is always there if we know how to find Him and speak to Him. God is not a ghost comparing to the way many think of Him because they do not want to try something better in life.
God gives us advice in Psalm 1 and Psalm 34. He shall be there for us if we can avoid bad companies. He will work out a way for us. The safety must be in our mind as much as we can try to make it happen. You are telling the truth to make many agree with you. None of us is perfect, but we can try to seek improvement in our daily relationship with others.
Spring would make me happy. I spun all the way around on the
way to work and flew into a ditch.
SCREW WINTER!!!!!
well that’s terrifying. I hope you are okay.
It was. When I landed and realized both my car and I were unscathed, I decided to try to just drive out and it worked. But, my heart was in my throat the rest of the day!
Great post. Something to thnk about. Thank you!
Psalms 37:4 – Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Great it’s scripture quoting time!!! Here’s a gem!
HOSEA 13:16 Because Israel had rebelled, a wind from the Lord would blow in. They “will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, and their pregnant women ripped open.”
Ah! You delight in the history of Israel and the foretelling of the wind that blows from the east. Do you also delight in the blessing or do you spend your time reminding Israel of their curse from their Creator?
Which creator? They are only cursed by ONE supposed creator. Krishna could care less.
I don’t know Krishna. I thought you were talking about the God of Abraham.
You seriously think there is only one god that people worship?
But you quoted from the Old Testament so you were talking about that God. I am not familiar with Krishna.
There are over 4,000 god that people worship. I know, it is hard to keep up with them all.
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This was an excellent article. It is one’s beliefs that dictate what a man thinks—and then does. But the word “happiness” is a shallow word if we are defining a person’s state of mind, and here is why: when we talk about being happy, we usually mean that our circumstances are going well, or that we feel good. We say we are unhappy when the opposite is true; that is, our circumstances are not so great, or we are feeling poorly. But both come and go; they are fleeting, and like the wind are here one minute and gone the next. They are feelings that are not reliable or dependable. But the word “joy” conjures up a wholly different meaning, for joy does not depend upon feelings or circumstances. Rather, there is a steadfastness of heart and mind to exert the will over both so that even if a person has been shipwrecked physically or emotionally, or experiencing tragedy in his life, he can still remain joyful no matter how he feels. Many know this who have faith in God. Their attitude is not dependent upon their feelings, but the belief that there is a control beyond what they are capable of managing, so that even in circumstances beyond their control, their faith would not be in themselves, but in God, who they believe is perfect.
I wonder how many of us would pass the test of Jobe. He even lost his happiness. I don’t think I would pass that test.
If you love Christ and Christ is in you, God assures us that when that time comes, the Holy Spirit will give you the faith to overcome even death. What you are sharing with me is how you think now, but you are not going through the trials and suffering you mention concerning Job. God called him “blameless.” Even while he went through his suffering, he knew his Creator lived, but his wife told him, “Oh, curse God and die.” He did not do that even when everyone was against him, and God rewarded him by giving him double what he lost. When we look to Christ, God will always out do us in love. 🙂
Great article. Fairly difficult actions though.
The trick is to put the fun back in dysfunctional – realise that everyone has some sort of crap in their lives. No need to beat yourself up over it. Rather focus on changing the habits.
Absolutely. Life is a mixture of positives and negatives. The sooner we stop beating ourselves over the negatives, the easier things become.
Wow, congratulations for that beautiful piece of advice, wisdom and enrichment. I fell energized and positive that some of those bullets points are in my list. The rest will be added soon.
I don’t need a promotion and a new car. I will certainly fight for them, but I will be very happy until I get them or not.
That’s the point Will. Let’s be ambitious, and yet not be possessed by ambition. Thanks for you thoughts!
If only we could eliminate the capacity to feel any emotion except happiness.
That would be an interesting world to live in!
Indeed, it would be a much better place.
#3 Is one of those that also keeps people from living their lives. We’re always waiting until we have more, do more, be more. You can spend your whole life waiting for everything to be perfect.
Absolutely Corvi – circumstances will never be optimum!
Beliefs can not be changed arbitrarily. One does not “choose” what they believe. What someone believes is the result of being convinced of the truth of a claim (the exception to rule being of course self-delusion). For example: no matter how hard I try, I cannot choose to believe in leprechauns. I agree with the premises presented except the rationale behind them is flawed. Critical thinking and rationale thought employing skepticism are important tools we use to discern true beliefs from false ones.
True, but while many people may feel this way, they wouldn’t necessarily agree this is these points are right or good. They’re not rational beliefs, so through awareness one could presumably reverse these damaging thought patterns.
I agree, but it requires a person to look at what they believe and why they believe it. Just desiring not to believe in something will not dispel a belief. I was attempting to offer some tools that would provide a pathway to descerning the difference, hence critical thinking, rational thought and skepticism. People are far more likely to be happy when they base their beliefs on true as opposed to false assertions.
Hey Corvi, yes – awareness and reason are indispensable tools.
I completely agree with you that we do not ‘choose’ what we believe. Yet, we can modify our beliefs through rationale and introspection – which might be called choice. I think it depends on how we define ‘choice’
Leaving semantics aside, I guess we are on the same page!
I do love the logic behind your comment. Thanks!
These points are great for me and my frends Thanx
inspire trust without expecting it,,,,,,
The best article i’ve read in my life. i will read it many times.
Thanks Mr. Peter, appreciate it.
Thank you for those kind words! Great to hear that you loved it!
my brain is not hardwired for happy. never has been..even as a child. a couple million dollars might help a little … the closest I can get to ‘happy’ is the childlike wonder and prideful satisfaction of watching yeast make beer like hungry little monsters despite my doing practically everything wrong and making newbie mistakes. if I could I would make beer every day just to sit and watch the fermentations. it is satisfying that 200 billion plus beings are happily munching the food I provided for them and peeing out alcohol for me to share and ‘enjoy’. . . though that perhaps is a little too strong a word.
The way is not in the sky, its not in somebody else’s eyes, it’s not in a book, it’s not in the way you look, the way is inside, buried somewhere in your mind, the child inside knows all the answers.
excellent post………… it has really filled my heart with happiness. before reading it i was very upset … As now a days i am in full stress due to heavy burden of my task………..stay bless
Thank you! I am glad that it has helped.
We have to realize out live thats my opinion
endeavor to discover more and share our own happiness with those who appreciate and show love to us. love is the tree that shadows happiness.
Thank you for this AWESOME article. Keep it up! 🙂
Thank you Nippy!
سلام پیتر شما میتونید بامن فارسی صحبت
Great Article. Thank you!
Part of the problem with our beliefs is that they often are the very cause of our unhappiness, especially when the consequences of these beliefs are pain and disillusionment. It explains why happiness will still vary among individuals even when we have uniformity in conditions . Beliefs can create anxiety or bliss. When our beliefs provide reassuring answers about the future, the result is bliss. On the other hand, if our beliefs are a negative view of the unexplored future, then great unhappiness is likely to follow us. In short, our beliefs about happiness need to be both positive and realistic.
My dear friendss…I think life is what you can make it…
Live long and prosper___ banging many a green space babe and clobbering a few militant slobbering Islamist monobrows along the way won’t hurt either
Interesting. So many people let their past rule the present and future and they are never happy. Understandable but not the best
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The thing with happiness is that it means different things to different people (or it eludes defining altogether). The paradox about it is that the more focused you are on being happy, the less happy you actually are (it’s the ‘try not to think about the polar bear for one minute’ thing). I refuse most coaching and self-help guides that would tell me how to be happy? Why? Because I can’t say if I’m happy. I can say I’m content.
I highly recommend a nice little book titled “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking”, which contains the ideas I’ve just presented and more.
Thanks for recommending. Will check it out.
Yep, I do believe it’s a habit that can be learned. Most everything can be learned.
I had a text from a friend after announcing I am expecting another girl saying “your life is perfect you jammy ****” well all I can say is that it took a lot of effort and all my strength to get here from a bad place. My reply was “if you want something in life go and get it. Nobody is going to give it to you”