“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello
Do you believe in soul mates?
I did. I also believed that the only way to be blissfully happy was to be with mine.
At a New Year party, I finally found her. As we chatted and danced through the evening, we fell in love. It seemed perfect.
Life, however, had other plans. Soon after, she moved to another city. I never saw her again but continued to be in love with her for the next four years.
Why? Because I was consumed by the belief that she was my soul mate, and that fate would bring us back together someday.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How each of us have our own beliefs about the “secret to happiness.” We live our lives in accordance with those beliefs, rarely questioning them.
Over those four years, my belief that I could never be happy with anyone else held me back from finding love and happiness elsewhere.
But I was so wrong. I did meet someone else later and have been gleefully together with her for ten years now!
We define our reality by what we believe.
Our beliefs make us who we are and determine the choices we make. Very often, those beliefs, far from leading us into happiness, bring us truckloads of pain and trouble.
The good news? We can be far happier and contented simply by altering our beliefs and looking at the world differently.
Here are five beliefs about happiness that actually make us unhappy:
Belief 1: I need other people’s approval to be happy.
Do you often do things only to please other people?
Human beings are driven by “social proof.” Approval is extremely important to us.
We wait to buy the latest gadgets to look cool. We attend boring office parties to fit in. We don’t pursue our dreams because our families don’t approve.
But just ask yourself: Are these actions (or inactions) bringing you any real happiness?
The pursuit of approval is very different from the pursuit of happiness. Let’s not fail to distinguish between the two.
Belief 2: I will be happy when I have…
…a bigger house, a promotion, a baby, awards, respect, those designer shoes!
Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar calls this the “arrival fallacy” in his book Happier. It’s the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination (or attain a specific goal), you will be happy.
The reason why this belief is so strong is because it’s partly true. Yes, you will feel happy when you get promoted or buy a house.
The question is: Is this happiness lasting?
While you will escape your landlord’s ranting, you will have to pay new taxes and spend good money maintaining your new house.
Each level of accomplishment will bring its own set of problems.
Does this mean you stop working toward your goals? No! Goals are important, and one needs to be ambitious.
However, think about this: You can be happy now and also when you get the promotion.
Do you really need to postpose your happiness?
Belief 3: I can’t be happy unless everything goes right.
Have you ever lost your luggage on a vacation? It upsets everything, doesn’t it?
Instead of enjoying the charms of a wonderful new city (or countryside), you’re running around buying clothes and other stuff, wondering if the airline will ever return your luggage.
That’s what happened on a vacation with my family.
Strangely, now when we think about that vacation, the trouble we faced because of the lost luggage doesn’t bother us. We just talk about the wonderful time we had.
The vacation didn’t have to be perfect. The only thing that really mattered to us was that we had an opportunity to have a great time together.
Think about it: are vacations, parties, dates, or any other special occasions ever perfect? If something goes wrong does that mean the entire trip or evening is a failure?
Yes, it is a failure, but only if you believe so.
Let’s extend the discussion further: Is anything in life ever perfect? We have ups and downs every day.
Life is imperfect—perhaps that’s what make it more interesting!
Belief 4: I can’t be happy because of what’s happened in the past.
The past controls us in mysterious ways.
You might have lost a loved one to misunderstanding or death. You might have failed to achieve your dreams. As a result, you may have developed one of these beliefs: “I am not meant to find happiness” or “It’s not my destiny to be happy.”
Personally, I haven’t lost much in life, but I know someone who has. I used to wonder how she could enjoy life despite such tragedies, until she revealed her simple secret…
She believes that she has the right to be happy, despite her past misfortunes.
Your past doesn’t control your future unless you let it. Millions have turned their lives around. If they can be happy, why can’t you?
Belief 5: Happiness is not a habit that can be learned.
Can you actually learn to be happy? Like learning baseball or the guitar?
Yes. Happiness is a skill—one that you build through a number of daily choices.
Numerous studies have indicated that people who are happier have certain habits: they exercise, meditate, pay attention to their relationships, pursue their goals diligently, lead balanced lives, are grateful.
Research shows that by thwarting negative emotions, such as pessimism, resentment, and anger, and fostering positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and gratitude, the brain can be trained to become happier.
Happiness does not depend on fate; it depends on our habits—habits that anyone can learn.
____
Our beliefs can bring us happiness or sorrow.
Question your beliefs about yourself, your life, and happiness from time to time. See if they still serve a positive purpose. If not, change them.
What beliefs do you think you need to change to be happier?
About Peter Banerjea
Peter is co-founder of SuccessIsWhat, a coaching firm that helps people achieve their goals faster by building life changing habits and conquering time. Get his latest free e-book “Productivity Secrets of 7 Billionaires that YOU can put into Action Right Now” here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Ha ha! I am a perfectionist! Yet I know my obsession with perfection often drives me crazy! Thank you Peter for giving me a reminder to slow down. This is an inspiring post.
Thanks Carey! Looks like we have something in common. It took me a long time to realize that I need to contain my demand for perfection! It’s important to remind ourselves that sometimes, we just need to enjoy things as they are!
Hi Peter
Thanks so much for such a great post, and it is a topic near and dear to many people’s hearts. Being happy is simple at the core, but because of our conditioning, limiting beliefs and past experience, we usually need to work a bit through that to start feeling better on a consistent basis.
I really resonated with all of your points and they are some of the biggest barriers. I particularly resonated with the first about needing people’s approval. It can be challenging when others do not exactly support our choices and vision, and because we are all prone to insecurity and doubt, we naturally begin to question whether we are perhaps doing something wrong. Also, we don’t like to think our choices are upsetting others in any way.
It can be tempting to alter our life to avoid making waves, thinking the approval, lack of criticism,etc..will make up for giving up on what we really want, but while we may be ameliorating various forms of discomfort that came from following our own path, we will simply be signing up for a new set of emotional distresses, like feeling stifled, resenting people (though we have to own our choices), and feeling unfulfilled.
I find that the better we get to know ourselves, and the clearer we are on why we want to do what we want to do, criticism of others doesn’t affect us as much because we know we are doing what is best for us.
These beliefs are definitely soul-consuming, Peter. I think the trick is to find the fun in everything and never feel guilty about the fun that comes with success, which is something I have done in the past.
Hi, Pete,
I was a big #1 mistake girl in my 30’s and early 40’s till I decided it didn’t matter so much what other people thought, it was what I thought that counted.
My only wish is that other women learn this earlier in life!
Thanks for the great post,
Sue
Hey Sue,
Great to see you again! Yes, No 1 is probably something that we are all guilty of – to some extent at least! I think Kelly (below) has very clearly put what we need to do move beyond an ‘approval’ mindset. We need to introspect and discover what we really want. Only then can we become truly independent.
That’s a great point Anthony – ” the trick is to find the fun in everything”!
Life is a gift. We should try to accept whatever it throws at us… try to enjoy it.
Hi Kelli, thanks for commenting again!
You have made a very powerful point in your last para. I completely agree that it’s essential to be clear about the motives behind our goals. If we truly believe in something, it doesn’t matter if a few people don’t approve.
Yes, the better we get to know ourselves, the easier it becomes. I believe that introspection is one of the key ingredients for true long lasting happiness.
I am a perfectionist in some parts of my life. Now, I learned how to control it in a sense. I only let my perfectionism kick in at work, when I will present documents to customers, I want to make sure everything looks good. If it’s not perfect, I remind myself that I am a human being!
These are great points. The only thing in the way of our own happiness is ourselves.
GREAT post!!! Wonderful insight/advice! Thank you for sharing your wisdom/learned lessons! 🙂
This is so meaningful to my life right now.. who am I and what makes me happy? I’ve been doing quite a bit of sole searching and thinking about mistakes in my life that I haven’t let go. Those feelings are holding me back. I’m holding my self back from being truly happy.
Your article has been extremely in site full.
Thank you for sharing.
Well said 🙂
Pete, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. These beliefs certainly hold us all back if we fall prey to them, and not necessarily just in the way of happiness, but in all aspects of life!
If I was to add to this, it would probably be that you don’t have to be happy all the time. It’s not expected of anyone. Being unhappy is as equally purposeful as our happiness, and when we learn to accept this — the heights of happiness skyrocket.
Loved the post. Thanks.
“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you
have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it
never occurs to you to question them.” ~Anthony de Mello
You know the evolution (in my opinion) made the brain like this – if some behavior or state is evolutionary positive – there is a big probability of a positive emotion. If some behavior is potentially harmful or evolutionary negative – there is negative emotion.
So should I think that in a normal neurologically functioning brain the occurence of negative emotions (unhappiness) is evitable with just the right “thinking”? 🙂
“your past doesn’t control your future, unless you let it” it’s true, i like this post 🙂
So, the question is does your psychological approach to living predispose you to happiness, or do you create the conditions that promote happiness? Or some of both?
I’d suggest contentment is a much more viable option for living a life of high quality. One belief (#2), that has validity for me, is not owing anyone economically. It reduces the angst of knowing you have fiscal obligations that require employment and long term commitment. It can be a motivating force for some – I suppose – but I prefer knowing I am debt free. Not wealthy, just debt free.
Ignorance and fallacies /false beliefs makes us unhappy / keeps us unhappy.
accept responsibility for ones life. Know oneself ( what one is, what one needs, what ones preferences / priorities are ) and live for that. None is answerable to us, we are accountable to only our own selves.
This ( being debt free, free of fiscal obligation) being the key to happiness is also mentioned in hindu scriptures ( yakshaprashna in Mahabharata )
A very thought provoking article, enjoyed thoroughly.
Thanks for the feedback. Frugality enters the lexicon of many theological texts. It’s not surprising, since I view it as a surrogate for delayed gratification and lack of impulsivity, which clearly would have been desirable traits in early civilizations.
Le questionnement est un droit et un devoir de chaque citoyen, nous ne pouvons pas simplement accepter tout ce qui nous est imposée, nous serions comme des esclaves qui obéissent à leurs maîtres.
Nous sommes libres et donc pas seulement le droit et le devoir de se interroger.
I don’t normally read this type of stuff, but I stumbled upon this at a time in my life I could really use it. Thank you and great post!
I thought this article would be pure fluff. I was wrong and have learned these lessons the hard way. Great article!!
Thanks for dropping by! I am glad you found it useful, especially at the ‘right’ time.
Thanks man!
I really like what you said – “We are accountable to only our own selves.” I completely believe in that. One of the most difficult things in life is to be at peace with our own selves, but it’s something we should all strive for. Thanks for commenting!
Hi Jake,
Excellent observation! Yes, we can’t be happy all the time – it’s not possible really! However, if we expect to, we only welcome disappointment. It sounds like a riddle, but not expecting happiness all the time can sometimes lead to happiness!
It’s fascinating how our minds work!
Hey Letty,
“I’m holding my self back from being truly happy.” – It’s great to hear you say that, because it means that you are in control of your own happiness. Like I said in point 5, we can choose to be happy – it’s not determined by destiny!
Wishing you all the best with your journey ahead.
Glad to hear that you found it so useful! Thank you so much!
My pleasure, and thank you for taking the time to write a reply!
Absolutely. Life becomes so much easier (and blissful) when we realize that!
Good article… maybe some of it is self-serving… but i like this perspective than trying to control things too much.. I have learned the hard way, that there is no control and that desiring anything should always be questioned… why do we do the things we do..? I think that the illusion of “happiness” is strong with society and there’s a reason why so many people who would be defined as having “everything”, routinely turn out to be deranged, neurotic and miserable..
I don’t want to be that, but maybe because I already have I know that… I dunno.. Sometimes I wonder what I am supposed to want. I don’t know anymore. The more I ask myself the question the more my reply is just… what I already have….
That’s right Anissa! There are millions of people who are doing great despite whatever lemons life has thrown at them. Why can’t we all do the same? Every single day is an opportunity to look at life with a fresh perspective. We just need to realize that the opportunity exists!
I’m struggling with living in a city that I despise. I know we will only be here two more years but those years feel like eons! I’m getting through by finding happiness in seeing cardinals outside my window (we don’t have them where I am from), dogs being walked outside my window, silly jokes with my husband. I try to notice every scrap of happiness where I can find it. It doesn’t have to be overwhelmingly available to be powerful. The city does hold me back physically, but I try to note when my unhappiness truly is attributable to the city and when it isnt. It is so easy to get caught up in blame for unhappiness, and that way leads to not being as able to find the little pieces of happiness along the way.
Great to hear that Thomas, thank you!
I really enjoyed reading this, I must say there are points in my life I found my self going through these different beliefs/stages …I honestly do need and want to be happy/happier.
Great that you have learned to balance it!
No,thank you.Will add this to my life.
Very nice article. There is a theory in criminology, Robert Merton’s “strain” theory, which says that the belief in the “American Dream” or financial success, in our society actually can lead to crime. As poor people see “the Dream” supposedly lived out all around them, and in advertisements, t.v., the movies, where everyone else seems to be able to afford everything they want, they also want to have what they want (or have been taught to want). But with few opportunities for education, good jobs, or any jobs, and living in neighborhoods which might be classified as “food deserts”, where people can’t buy nourishing food because there are only liquor stores, or convenience stores, where all the housing belongs to “the projects”, hopeless people turn to crime to obtain what they’ve been taught to want but can’t get legitimately. And of course not only poor people are taught that they ought to be able to consume endlessly, nor is the “American Dream” myth only believed by the poor. And not only the poor commit crimes. We all ought to look at what we have been taught to believe, at what we think we should want, how we think we should live in our society. A lot of it is unnecessary to happiness.
Bad marriages, bad decisions and bad company fed my addictions for years. Drugs, sex, alcohol and self loathing brought me to the brink of disaster before I had an awakening to my plight. You have to want to change and know the steps to take to get there. If someone at that time had told me that 30 years later I would be clean, sober, successful and most of all happy….I’d have offered them a hit of whatever I happened to be on at the time. Old habits died hard. I had no professional help. I have the love of a good woman who stood by me in my darkest hours and never let me forget that I was the most important person in her life. Never give up!
I agree
Spring would make me happy. I spun all the way around on the
way to work and flew into a ditch.
SCREW WINTER!!!!!
Great post. Something to thnk about. Thank you!
Psalms 37:4 – Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
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There was a story shared about Winston Churchill during a time when he had words with his valet, saying, “You were rude with me.” But the valet said to Churchill, “But sir, you were first rude with me.” Churchill turned to walk away, but under his breath was heard by the valet to say, “Yes, but I’m a great man.” This was a man who in that moment could either not live up to his own high standards or else he became a mean-spirited and self-absorbed man because he could. Here was someone whose own self-regard said in effect, “I don’t care about what you think; I only care about what I think.” It is true that one should not worry about what others think, for we should have at least the same regard for ourselves, but it also cannot be in good taste to say, “It is only what I think that matters.” Neither work.
Wonderful. 😉
I always try to remember that the best way for me to consciously slow down, I must first continually take a step back, take a few breaths, think the situation through, establish my options by first identifying the problem, take a couple more very deep breaths, weigh my options, consider the source, determine my motivation, then take a couple more deep breaths, then make the most intelligent decision from a clear, conscious mind. In doing so, I find that first of all, I purposely slow myself down, and secondly avoid being so spontainous and can make much clearer and meaningful decisions from the choices at hand. Better choices=better decisions!!!
This was an excellent article. It is one’s beliefs that dictate what a man thinks—and then does. But the word “happiness” is a shallow word if we are defining a person’s state of mind, and here is why: when we talk about being happy, we usually mean that our circumstances are going well, or that we feel good. We say we are unhappy when the opposite is true; that is, our circumstances are not so great, or we are feeling poorly. But both come and go; they are fleeting, and like the wind are here one minute and gone the next. They are feelings that are not reliable or dependable. But the word “joy” conjures up a wholly different meaning, for joy does not depend upon feelings or circumstances. Rather, there is a steadfastness of heart and mind to exert the will over both so that even if a person has been shipwrecked physically or emotionally, or experiencing tragedy in his life, he can still remain joyful no matter how he feels. Many know this who have faith in God. Their attitude is not dependent upon their feelings, but the belief that there is a control beyond what they are capable of managing, so that even in circumstances beyond their control, their faith would not be in themselves, but in God, who they believe is perfect.