“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay
I used to give myself quite a hard time. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up or doing enough or achieving as much as my peers.
I decided to make a note of the way I was speaking to myself and treating myself. What I found surprised me.
I noticed that I’d berate myself for days if something didn’t go exactly to plan, convinced that there was something wrong with me and that was why I had messed up.
I’d tell myself that I was stupid, useless, and a thoroughly incompetent, unworthy human being. Pretty mean stuff, really!
I wouldn’t even speak to my worst enemy that way I was speaking to myself. It was time to make a change.
Are you at war with yourself?
It’s been said many times that a lack of self-love is at the root of all of our problems, and I agree.
Our addictive behaviors are so often interlinked with self-esteem issues, not feeling good enough or valuing our own worth. At times, food or drugs may be a way of self-medicating or even self-harming.
If we’re stressed or anxious, we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves, telling ourselves that things should be a certain way—that we need to be different or try harder. We’re not accepting ourselves and the situation as it is right now.
When we take good care of ourselves, nurture ourselves, and accept ourselves completely, stresses seem more manageable, healthy choices are natural, and we feel better within ourselves.
Many of us think we need to be harsh and critical of ourselves in order to progress and move forward. However, evidence suggests that harsh criticism is actually demotivating and stressful, not helpful.
If you’re sick of being at war with yourself and are ready to love yourself more and become calmer, happier, and healthier, try these four steps.
1. Speak to yourself as you’d speak to someone you love and want to encourage.
Would you tell them that they’re no good? Would you give them a hard time? I don’t think so.
Tune into how you’re speaking to yourself throughout the day. Once you become aware of a harsh tone, work on changing this to a tone that is patient, compassionate, and accepting.
Giving yourself a hard time isn’t effective at helping you to do your best. I like to remind myself that I’m doing my best, that every experience is a learning experience, and that I’m already good enough.
2. See yourself as your loved ones see you.
When I first met my boyfriend I didn’t believe him when he told me he loved me. I wasn’t able to see past my own self-criticism to see what he could see.
By imagining how he saw me, I was able to perceive myself in the way that he did—all the good points, the strengths, the sense of humor, the quirks, the vulnerability, and yes, the flaws, but on the whole, I could see a worthwhile and lovable person.
Imagine a person that loves you and picture them sitting in front of you now. Notice the way they look at you in way that lets you know that they love and accept you completely.
Now imagine you can step into their shoes and see yourself through their eyes, with love, care, and kindness. Notice all your amazing qualities and even all of your flaws, and send yourself a lot of acceptance for all of it. Now step back into your own shoes but bring with you this new perspective.
3. Make a daily list of the things you appreciate about yourself.
It could be that you’re a good friend, or maybe you always remain calm in a crisis. So often we’re programmed to notice our deficiencies and the things we lack. Challenge this instinct by noticing the things you appreciate instead.
Recently, I’ve appreciated myself for being a good listener, for making great cakes for my friend’s birthdays, for my willingness to work on myself, and for the fact that I can now do twenty whole pushups!
4. Remember that you are a human being and are therefore fallible.
You and everyone else on the planet are a work in progress. You don’t need to be perfect; you are always learning, always changing, and getting better every day.
Aim for progress rather than perfection. We are all doing our best with the tools and abilities that we have at our disposal. So give yourself a break and remember that you’re doing just fine.
I’d love to hear about the ways that learning to love yourself has helped you, or could help you. What strategies do you have for loving yourself more?
Happy woman image via Shutterstock

About Chloe Brotheridge
Chloe Brotheridge is an anxiety and self-esteem specialist and hypnotherapist in London. She loves helping people to take better care of themselves and live calmer lives. For a FREE relaxation MP3 and info on feeling calmer and more confident see www.calmer-you.com. For more on hypnotherapy in London see www.easywaytochange.co.uk
Hi Chloe. Great points. Thank you.
I never struggled to love myself. However at the age of 16 I came across a book that taught me to think big and has really helped me to create positive outlook in life. I feel self sustained in my thoughts and actions. While this is slightly different than the topic of your post, the underlying concept is the same.. My advice to people struggling with self worth is….
For each thing you criticize yourself for, there are many things that you can be proud of…. If you criticize yourself for getting angry easily, you can be proud to see that you are aware of your short temper and are bothered about how I affects others… This awareness is precious and will later help you resolve your temper. Many do this unconsciously and inflict more pain to their loved ones..
Thank you for this.
I’m really struggling with this right now, as I just ended a yearlong relationship where I had a lot of emotional issues and incidents of acting out. Though I sought professional help and tried to change, and did get better in some aspects, in some ways I got worse. This has happened in other relationships as well, though not all. I worry that I’m just undateable and will never find healthy love. How do you love yourself when you have genuinely made bad mistakes that have driven people away?
pls mention the name of book pls
Thanks Ankit! Wonderful input x
We all make mistakes a times. Sometimes the overly critical mind tells us that we are ‘bad’ in some way, or that there is something wrong with us. But, there is nothing wrong with you. You are just a work in progress like everyone else and you don’t need to be perfect. Keep working on yourself and remembering that you are imperfect but very lovable. x
Thank you! x
When I get to London, I will have to look you up, but I know I need some psychotherapy.
Hi Chloe. Thanks for this wonderful post.
I really love first two points. Instead of cursing ourselves, we must start looking things from a different perspective. During stressful times, we target ourselves only.
I am also thinking of making a journal of positive thoughts. Thanks for the lovely reminder. When I am not feeling well, I simply direct my thoughts towards all these small and lovely moments.
I have realized that we must not highlight our weak points. It will make us weak. We must look out for stronger points and start working on weak points. By thinking too much, we will get nothing.
THE MAGIC OF THINKING BIG by David J Schwartz … Hope it helps you. 🙂
Lovely Chloe! I often ask clients to make a gratitude list (of what they’re grateful or proud of themselves for) each night for a week – makes a huge difference to how they see themselves!
Sounds like you’ve had a tough year Lucy! I just wanted to reach out and say, you are definitely dateable and loveable! But these things will only come when you love yourself fully. If you go in to a relationship looking for someone to love you in a way you can’t love yourself, it won’t work. Keeping working on yourself, forgiving yourself and treating yourself as you’d treat a best friend, then that self-love will expand outwards 🙂
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Thanks Emma – yes gratitude lists are wonderful, so simple but effective x
Brilliant book!
Great points Yatin, thanks for posting them x
Thank you for sharing your story & these reminders…:)
Fantastic article, Chloe. I’m very happy you’ve been so open and direct and shared with the readership what monstrous impact a lack of self-love has on our life and level of happiness. There are many self-love articles out there but non of them address this issue so directly as yours does. Yes, a lack of self-love is the source of most of our problems. Thank you!
Thank you! x
Great Post Chloe! I just find this site and is awesome 😀