“Quality questions create a quality life.” ~Tony Robbins
Have you ever wondered, maybe even worried, “Why is it easier for others to take care of their health? Why do they have more willpower? Less struggle?”
And, “What am I doing wrong?”
I used to ask myself all this, and more. It was confusing; I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but my body argued back. Weight issues. Fatigue. Chronic pain. Injury after injury.
The answer seemed obvious.
Try harder.
But doing so made the issues worse, or another problem started. Or both.
The doctors all said my symptoms didn’t make sense. I wondered: is it in my head? They told me to stress less. I worried: is anxiety making me worse? They said they couldn’t help. I panicked: am I unfixable?
Sensitivity Isn’t a Disorder (and You Don’t Need to Fix It)
The diagnosis was an over-reactive nervous system, which led me to the term Highly Sensitive People. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates 15-20% of people are highly sensitive.
This simple trait means our nervous systems process stimuli intensely.
We think a lot. We feel deeply (physically and emotionally). We’re easily overstimulated.
Sound familiar?
Thoughts are stimuli that affect our highly tuned nervous systems. The more negative, the more we suffer; the more positive, the more we thrive (even compared to others).
Questions are a potent type of thought. They trigger our brains to search for answers, discover evidence, and create links and stories, long after we turn our conscious minds to something else.
The problem was simple.
I was asking lousy questions.
And the solution became obvious. Ask good questions.
It worked. I’ve bounced back from burnout with more health and happiness than in my twenties and thirties. I learned to ask the following four questions every day.
1. Am I focused on the vitality I want or the discomfort I don’t want?
It sounds easy: focus positively on the health you want.
But being highly sensitive means you’re hardwired to ponder issues from all different angles. It’s a gift of cautiousness—your early warning system. And it means you end up obsessing over things you’re trying to ignore.
Your mind is powerful. If you stay focused on soreness in your body, you sensitize your nervous system into noticing more pain. If you worry about getting injured, you subconsciously set yourself up for injury.
When you focus on problems (or the gap between your current health and the health you want), you create tension. Physical and emotional. Which makes you feel rotten, intensifies the health issue, and even creates new issues.
But focusing on well-being sends a powerful message to your brain and body to shift you toward better health. While helping you relax into enjoying more of life, right now (even if your health isn’t perfect).
Tip: If you catch yourself preoccupied with what you don’t want, stop. Appreciate your gift of considering different perspectives. Then re-focus on the vitality you want.
2. Am I whizzing through healthy habits or delving into their worth?
Being sensitive means you mull over decisions and are quick to second-guess yourself. But it’s easy to get entangled in the rush of life and leap from one health habit to the next.
Sinking your teeth into why you want better health helps you commit to healthy habits. You understand their worth.
But it’s not enough to know that a habit is worthwhile just because it makes you energized, healthier, and fitter. You need to dig deeper into your why to discover what that gives you that’s even more important.
Perhaps being fitter brings more ease and flow or enables you to connect more with family and friends.
Some of my deepest whys are comfort, blending, and connection. For example, I’ve learned to avoid strict diets that compartmentalize allowed and not allowed (and lead me to binge on junk). Instead, to allow any foods but plan ahead my wholesome and comforting meals. To blend healthy snacks into my day. To mindfully connect with tastes and textures.
Uncovering your deepest why helps you discover which specific habits spur you on from within. Even when the going gets tough (as it will).
Not only will your self-care work better, but you’ll also notice less whizzing and more sticking.
Tip: Slow down and tap into the qualities that are meaningful to you and your health. Then choose the habits to support those qualities.
3. Am I analyzing my health or tuning in to my body’s wisdom?
High sensitivity means you feel deeply. It’s tempting to stay stuck in your head, to hide from the intensity of your emotions and your sharp awareness of subtleties.
Doing so numbs you from your body’s wisdom.
You begin to worry about your health—analyzing problems and searching endlessly for solutions. Discomfort becomes a foe to avoid. A problem to fear. An assault to stop or dull (rather than a healthy message).
When I hurt my back, for example, the pain lasted months longer than the injury took to physically heal. The therapists prescribed gentle exercises. The more I tried, the more the pain intensified or spread to other areas. It didn’t make sense.
But tuning in to my body, I could feel the tension of trying too hard, too often. Of stiffening constantly, in fear of the possibility of pain. Of overprotecting and overcompensating. I learned to relax and soften to allow myself, more and more, to move naturally. In doing so, my body came into balance and the pain disappeared.
When you tune in to how you’re feeling, the physical sensations become a compass for tweaking your self-care. For correcting course. You hear your body whispering, “This, not that. Ease up; push harder.”
You re-ignite your instinctual knowing. You build your intuition muscles. You make healthy choices that reflect who you are.
Tip: Think about an aspect of your health or self-care, and then notice how it triggers sensations in your body. Where and what do you feel? Is it a sense of lightness or heaviness? Openness or constriction? Feel into which thoughts and habits support you.
4. Am I under healthy pressure or beating myself up?
We all need a certain amount of oomph to improve our health and stay healthy. But it’s easy to slither from self-motivation into self-judgment. Being highly sensitive means you’re your own biggest critic.
We see others breeze through long hours at work followed by intense cardio at the gym, fueled with crappy diets and little sleep. We’re tempted to follow suit. But when our sensitive bodies fizzle out or overreact, we’re left confused and deflated.
“I’m lazy. I hate my body. I’m never going to get there.”
Your nervous system responds to self-talk as though it’s the hard truth. Often, it’s not.
It’s simple to pinpoint whether you’re feeling healthy or unhealthy pressure. Ask, “Does this [feeling or self-talk] make me want to act in a different way that’ll honestly make me feel better?”
If the answer is no, let it go. It’s unhealthy. It’s not serving you.
If the answer is yes, choose an action that feels good to take. And appreciate yourself for getting a handle on the pressure and not burying it.
Tip: Be gentle and curious about your self-talk. Check if it’s helping you. Then, act accordingly. Treat yourself with the same loving compassion you’re so good at giving others.
Answer Back With Your Super Power
You’re blessed with an inquisitive mind and a highly tuned inner guidance—gifts to help you make wise choices in your health when you slow down and pay attention.
Use your heightened awareness to detect your self-talk, emotions, and feelings.
Deliberately ask empowering questions and get curious about your answers. Without judgment.
Treat yourself with kindness, no matter what choices you make (and keep going in your self-care).
No, this isn’t a one-fix wonder. You’ll correct course every day of your life. But well-being comes from sculpting a supportive partnership between your mind and body.
Ask positive questions. Tune in to the answers. Take heart-felt action. You can’t help but make healthier self-care choices from that better-feeling place.
So what are you asking for?
Now it’s your turn. Do you consider yourself highly sensitive? If so, tell us a question that’s made a powerful positive difference in your life?
Jumping woman image via Shutterstock
About Mely Brown
Mely Brown is a chartered health coach helping sensitive women who struggle with healthy lifestyle habits. She’s on a mission to share her simple 4-step formula on how to stop ‘trying to push through’ and instead flourish in the art of self-care. Get more tips in The 4 Areas of Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People e-book, it’s free at selfcareforsensitivewomen.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you very much for this article and these tips. I’m glad to see a recent article dealing with HSPs here, as I discovered that I’m one earlier this year, and I still hate myself tons for being lazy and a jerk, despite the fact that MANY people have said that I’m one of the most loving, big-hearted souls they have ever known.
Why is it so hard to accept truths like that, moreso from our SELVES? It saddens me and scares me, particularly when bad news or depressing stories hurt so much, and I can’t enjoy anything when other people are hurting. Then I see the faults in myself, and I feel worse. “Treat yourself with the same loving compassion you’re so good at giving to others.” That REALLY stuck out to me…
It’s a slow, long journey, and I think I’m afraid to do it because I don’t want to become pig-headed and pompous (and take a bit of pride in hating myself, to temper my own pride and egotism). But it is very comforting seeing things here that gently help me to help myself in some small way, one step at a time.
All my love to you and yours this holiday season, and to all those who read this article and feel similarly. We may doubt our goodness and value, but it is there, and we are fully deserving of it. *hugs you all close*
— Marc
Hi Marc, I totally understand that, as will many of our readers. You’re not alone. You’re so right, it’s a slow journey and it can easily fall into a downward spiral of feeling worse.
Re-training the mind to see (and the body to feel) the gifts of sensitivity will help the self-talk to become more supportive, more of the time. I think of my inner critic as a misinformed but well-meaning small child who needs firm but gentle loving guidance. Repeatedly guiding her back on track. She’s learning. 🙂
You’re doing amazing. The fact you recognize that you don’t want to become pig-headed and pompous, means you’ll probably have no problems with that – showing yourself loving compassion will actually give you balance, even if it feels unbalanced at first because you’re used to the energy going in one direction (outwards). It’s the extremes (like hating ourselves to make up for pride and egotism) that the mind uses to give us a false sense of balance, but which actually keeps us swinging wildly back and forth.
I used to find it difficult to feel self-kindness – intellectually I “got it”, but in my body it felt different than compassion for others. Does that resonate? What worked for me, is to imagine feeling compassion for someone or something (a baby animal works wonders!) and deeply connect to the feeling vibe of that. Then as the compassion pours outwards, invite the energy to do a U-turn and come back inwards. Out and in. Feel the sensations flow. And let go of the mind’s stories and judgments about that.
It feels totally different than just thinking about being kind to yourself. Try it and see – those subtle tweaks and small gentle steps are incredibly powerful for a sensitive neurology. You totally deserve that big-hearted love you give others!
Be kind and gentle with yourself, and have a wonderful holiday season! Blessings to you, and to all.
— Mely
I am highly sensitive to the point that I hide myself. I am introverted but love to talk to people in a group of one, two or three people. I was adopted when I was 2 months old and taken from my mothers’s arms an hour after my birth…she did not want to surrender me for adoption My first parents whom I now know are both very sensitive. I chalk it up to early childhood trauma in utero and at birth, moving to foster care and then an adoptive home with very self centered people. My attachment to people is very poor but my sense of the universe is great. I was alone a lot and thought a lot (can you tell)?
I am wondering if early childhood loss is a common theme…I have yet to read Dr. Aron’s book.
Awesome post Mely! Great reminder of listening to your body and asking quality questions that can help improve your health.
Hi Lee. Yes, me too, hiding oneself can be a fairly common theme (over 2/3 of HSPs are introverts), as too is conversing in small groups about deeply meaningful topics. And thinking a lot!
Re: childhood loss – sensory processing sensitivity (aka, a highly sensitive person) is a trait you’re born with, it’s genetic. Hence the link to your birth parents.
But social conditioning obviously impacts on top of that, as well. There’s some research in sensitive children showing that the more positive the environment, the more they thrive… and the more negative the more they suffer, compared to non-sensitive children.
Dr Aron’s first book (The Highly Sensitive Person) is definitely worth a read — and it has a workbook that accompanies it as an optional extra, with some exercises to help reframe the past.
I also like her book The Highly Sensitive Child – even though I don’t have children, it gave me insight into understanding, nurturing and mothering my own Inner Child. Very healing for oneself.
It’s wonderful you’ve maintained a great sense of the universe. Einstein said the most important decision we make is whether we live in a friendly universe or a hostile one. It’s so helpful to focus on the good you want in your life (and then deal with self-sabotage or blocks that bubble up along the way), because the way our brain filters information and our energy flows makes a huge difference to our experiences and our health.
Big hugs. And happy reading too (if you feel drawn to Dr Aron’s books)!
Thanks Theresa!
So true. And listening to the body is especially eye-opening for any HSPs who (like me) had shut out feelings and numbed them, to avoid them — instead to realize how powerful our self-talk is, not just as an intellectual concept but experiencing the sensations triggered in our bodies. It makes an huge difference for health. Thanks!
Your nervous system responds to self-talk as though it’s the hard truth…Yes it is and I am too much more sensetive like you and going thru hard times but I proud myself that whatever I am doing to get out of this mind made non-sense is perfect. I am boosting myself with positive pep talk or self talks ,it really works.
Life is actually so simple but our unnecessary care make it complicated ,our own unguarded thoughts make it worst. Just See a ROSE how beautiful it is without any stressful thought ,and we can be beautiful like that with lesser mind..thaanks for article
Hi Satpal. I’m sorry you’re going through hard times right now, and you have every reason to be proud of yourself – for noticing the mind-made nonsense (it can be very convincing at times!!) and boosting your way out of it. The mind does its best to keep us safe but it’s often misguided, the body is so much wiser.
Appreciating the beauty of a rose and nature is a wonderful vibe lifter. 🙂
When I got to the line “sound familiar?”. I said “OH MY GOD” out loud. This article literally changed my life today. I learned today that *I* am a highly sensitive person!! This new-found knowledge explains everything, including so many things I thought were wrong with me. This is nothing short of an amazing life breakthrough for me, and I can’t thank the author enough for writing the article, Tiny Buddha for posting it on Facebook (where I saw it in my feed this morning), or the universe for putting me in the right place at the right time. I am about to embark on one of the biggest life changes in my 42 years, and this new knowledge is the most precious gift to me right now. Question for the author: I have a tendency to deprive myself physically very frequently. I’ll go for long stretches without eating, or wear uncomfortable clothing, or suffer from a headache and not take anything for it. I don’t consider myself a martyr, and I *don’t* suffer from self-loathing, but I have always believed there is some reason why I am doing this. Is this a common trait among HSPs? If so, why do we do this? What is the physiological advantage? Does this self-imposed deprivation distract us from the other uncomfortable feelings in our nervous systems? Oh my gosh I have so much to learn! This is so exciting! 🙂
I’m also one, but no early childhood loss. Had a pretty normal happy childhood but being a highly sensitive person is not easy. I feel for us all, haha. 🙂
Hi Jamie, I’m so happy for you. It’s incredibly validating to discover what HSP is and to finally realize you’re not alone, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and that your so-called weaknesses and flaws can actually be your unique gifts and your pathways out of struggling along with the crowd.
The “depriving physically” is definitely not uncommon! You’re right, it’s a great distraction from other uncomfortable stimuli in our nervous systems. Many of us disconnect into our heads (the intellectual feels safe), in part to numb from the intensity of our emotions and all the subtle sensations we feel in our bodies. The depriving can be our subconscious way of feeling physical sensations which we know we can control (we can choose to stop the stretch without eating or change into comfortable clothing – but we can’t choose to turn off much of the other stimuli that our nervous systems process). And it’s a subconscious way of triggering yourself to connect back into your body, into more of a mind-body balance. As Milton Erickson said, your conscious mind is smart but your unconscious mind is even smarter.
Numbing is like the analogy of the frog and hot water. That if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water it’ll jump right out. But if you put it into cold water and slowly bring it to the boil, it’ll cook and die. We’re like that frog – we live our busy lives bombarded by stimuli that our sensitive nervous systems are processing deeply, often uncomfortably, but we numb ourselves to it. We live lives that we’d jump right out of, if only we realized how hot the water had become. And numbing might fool our brain but it doesn’t fool our body – which many of us find out the hard way, in health problems.
I’m so excited for you. I, too, was in my 40s when I discovered what HSP is, and it literally changed my life around. You’re in for a wonderful ride, if you choose to focus on the positive ways to honor your sensitivity and tweak your self-care to suit you. Best wishes in your upcoming journey!
(PS – google Elaine Aron and HSP test, and you’ll find a helpful questionnaire that has many A-Ha moments in it!)
Hi Marianna, ha ha, that’s so true! Sometimes I catch myself envying less sensitive people (old habit), but then remember all the positive aspects of being sensitive. I don’t know that the journey will ever be easy, per se, but it’s definitely easier when we finally understand what HSP is and ways to fine-tune our lives to work with the trait instead of fighting against it. You put it well — I feel for all of us too. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Hi Mely! Thank you for the article. I always felt different as a child. When someone was mean, other kids just blew it off. But I would be horribly hurt and hide in my room trying to figure out why someone would want to hurt someone else in such a mean way and not even care. I would analyze it from every aspect. Even as an adult, I don’t understand how people can be so cruel and not care. And it hurts deeply. But I notice other people don’t feel the same. For instance, playing tricks on another person that causes physical pain or humiliation. Everyone laughs. But I don’t. I’m appalled that people find it funny to hurt themselves or others for public entertainment. You can guess I’m not a fan of so-called “reality” shows or shows that have videos of people hurting themselves or playing tricks on people. If it happens to me I’m truly hurt. I also have the negative inner chatter that is hard to turn off. I’m definitely my worse critic. I knew I was more sensitive, but didn’t know there was a term for it. My friends and boyfriends/fiances always tell me that I’m so sensitive. They say they forget sometimes that they have to change the way they talk around me because I’m so sensitive and take things to heart. And then I start the inner chatter about why am I so sensitive? Haven’t these people ever seen other sensitive people before or am I extra extra sensitive? If that’s possible. So I try to talk to them and they always say ” oh no, don’t change it. That’s what makes you so sweet.” then I’m confused. When I feel like I have been mean to someone, everyone just laughs and they say ” you call that mean, lol you’re so silly…..you couldn’t be mean if you wanted to!” so the inner chatter starts again. Am I a joke? Do people even take me seriously? Ugh! But I’ve noticed that in the 45 years I’ve been alive, I’ve never screamed at anyone or even raised my voice. I don’t even think I can. So now when I see articles about HSP I read them. Knowing that apparently that must be what I am. I just feel things to deeply and then hurt to deeply. It’s to the point that I don’t even like to watch the news, be in large crowds, or go out that often. It’s so much easier to stay home and keep things peaceful. I know that isn’t the best way to live but it seems that the cruelty in the world is getting worse and that is saddening to me. I just always wish that everybody would be nice to one another. My friends say I’m like a flower child with my peace, love and happiness bit. But I don’t see that as funny. But thank you again for the article. I’ll work on it 🙂
Hi Tracey. Oh yes, what you describe is very common for HSPs – right down to avoiding the News and preferring the peace. And the feelings of confusion that many of us experience in isolation, before discovering this term and what it means for us.
It’s hard to turn off inner chatter, it’s easier to steer the chatter in a more positive direction. It sounds like you have very supportive and understanding friends, who know you’re different but appreciate you for being who you are. You’re very blessed. Keep gently reminding your inner critic of that.
The inner critic wants us to fit in (it’s hardwired into our neurology, a survival mechanism of connection with our tribe). So it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking there must be something wrong with us that needs to change, to be more like others. If you haven’t yet come across Facebook groups for HSPs, check them out. It’s incredibly validating to find the support of others who have some idea of what it’s like to be you.
Your beautiful gentle energy IS your strength.
The inner chatter doesn’t respond well to force (it digs in its heels, like a stubborn 2-year old). One tiny suggestion is instead of “working” on it, think instead as “playing” with it – it’s a subtle tweak in language that feels completely different in your body. Try it and see! Your sensitive neurology will respond to exploring with a sense of playful curiosity and self-kindness.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow this article really struck a chord with me! I’m a young female in my twenties and I’ve been suffering with Fibromyalgia for 2 years following a running injury. I also have hypermobility. Just like you said, the more I stretched and saw physios, the worse I got. I’m incredibly hard on myself, really self-critical and indecisive, and always beat myself up for decisions and choices I make. I find that I feel my highs and lows very intensely. I’m beginning to wonder whether my ‘fibro’ is just my sensitive body’s way of communicating?? Who knows!
I’ve taken up pilates recently and that really seems to be helping. I’m definitely going to start asking myself some of your questions, as I think my current answers to them are the wrong ones!
Thankyou so much for sharing!
Hi Becky. I’m so pleased the questions resonate. I totally hear you — being hard on ourselves is typical of many HSPs, we say things to ourselves that we’d never even think of saying to others.
The body is very wise, but our emotions and physical sensations can be intense — and many of us learn to numb the messages by getting caught up in our heads, beating ourselves up, buying in to the Little Voice.
It’s great that pilates is helping you – as well as stability to support the hypermobility, when you bring your mindset questions into the bodywork you’ll get even better results. Mind-body teamwork. 🙂 Good luck!
Mely- I just now located my Disqus login credentials! thank you so much for your reply! Everything you say makes total sense to me. I love the frog analogy. I used to live my life like that- busy, overwhelming life stuffed with activities. But slowly over time I began cutting things out, in an effort to find more balance. Now I know that what I was really doing was trying to make things more comfortable for my HSP self. Sadly before slowing down I created a pretty bad adrenal illness that I still deal with. But I suppose we do the best we can with the information we have at the time, right? Thank you again so much for this article that changed my life. It was, and is- a gift.