âThe broken hearted are the bravest among usâthey dare to love.â ~BrenĂ© Brown, Rising Strong
Are you finished grieving your breakup and want to get over your ex once and for all?
Donât get me wrong. Grieving is important. Actually, itâs imperative.
But there is such thing as grieving for too long. When we get stuck in a downward spiral of negativity it gets harder and harder to get out. Our guilt over the way things turned out and regret over what could have been become heavy burdens to carry.
I was there last year. After the toughest breakup of my life, I grieved in a not-so-healthy way. I lived with my ex-girlfriend for a month before moving out of our apartment. Every day I drank beer and smoked pot all afternoon in my ex-neighborhoodâs park. At night, I cuddled with my ex-cat since we were breaking up, too.
Day after day, the same routine.
Until I finally got the kick in the rear end I needed. It came from a close friend. He sent me a blunt text message telling me to get off my ass and get back to living my life.
After that, I started paying attention to the limiting beliefs that had been holding me back, getting comfortable with their presence, and being curious about how I could get past them.
One of the biggest obstacles when weâre recovering from a breakup is getting over our limiting beliefs.
A limiting belief is something we tell ourselves so many times that it seems true, no matter how false it might be. Limiting beliefs creep into our lives like chronic back pain, until one day we accept them instead of trying to fix the problem.
Here are three limiting beliefs that are preventing you from moving on from your ex, and some tips to get past them.
1. âMy ex was my soul mate.â
âBut we were soul mates, kindred spirits. How can I move on knowing that Iâll never find someone like them again?!â
I get it. Many of us want to believe in fate, soul mates, and happy endings.
But this isnât a Disney movie and you need to move on with your life.
I donât say this to be callous. I say this because you need to hear it. Your friends and family canât say it to you because theyâre afraid of hurting your feelings. But Iâm a stranger, and I want to give you the same kick in the butt that got me going.
Listen, youâre not totally wrong. Maybe your ex was your âsoul mate.â But I think where we get confused is thinking we only have one soul mate on this planet.
What if we decided to believe we have multiple soul mates? What if we believed we have soul mates all over the world?
When I started to believe there could be other soul mates out there, I began to meet new, wonderful women who I made genuine connections with.
We have to keep in mind that some relationships have expiration dates. Itâs not our fault or the fault of our partners. It is what it is. Sh*t happens and the world keeps spinning.
Soul mates, just like relationships, come and go. You have more soul mates out there, I guarantee it. But, if you stay locked up in your house watching Netflix, I also guarantee youâll never find them.
2. âI deserve to feel guilty.â
âItâs my fault the relationship ended. I pushed them away. I didnât know what I wanted but now I see I made a mistake. I canât get over this guilt!â
I get it. Hindsight is always 20/20. Youâre looking back and wishing you had made different decisions. But guess what? Unless you have a DeLorean and mad scientist, you canât change the past.
I want to repeat that.
You. Canât. Change. The. Past.
If you believe that, why arenât you allowing yourself to move on?
Nothing good is going to come from beating yourself up over something that happened that canât be changed.
Believe me when I say these next words:
You donât deserve to feel guilty.
Even if you lied, cheated, or werenât emotionally available to your partner, you donât deserve to continue feeling guilty.
Sure, you should feel bad for a time. You screwed up. But you canât take it back so itâs time to get over it.
If you were a crappy partner, start asking yourself some tough questions. What needs werenât being met in your relationship? Do you know what your needs are? Do you love yourself? Do you have healthy relationships with friends and family? What do you want more than anything in your life? Whatâs stopping you from getting it?
Sure, it would have been better if you could have talked to your partner about your true feelings and broken up before things fell apart, but that didnât happen. Câest la vie.
Still, it doesnât mean you deserve to feel guilty. You made mistakes, and thatâs okay. Thatâs part of being an imperfect human.
If you feel guilty, look deep and see where that guilt is coming from. When you find the source you can start to find solutions. Youâre single now. Take this time to work on you so the next time you get into a relationship, youâll be confident not only that youâre with the right person, but youâll also be confident in yourself and what you truly want.
3. âLove conquers all.â
âBut thereâs still love between us. How can I move on when I love my partner? All you need is love, right?â
When my ex and I broke up last year, without a doubt there was still love between us. But we knew our lives were moving in different directions, so we decided to break it off after five years together instead of growing resentful.
Our friends and families couldnât figure it out. âIf you guys still love each other, how can you not work it out?â
But we stuck with our decision despite the pushback. Now that Iâm eight months out of the breakup, Iâm still confident it was the right decision.
Hereâs the thing:
Love does not conquer all. Love is not enough.
Boom! Did I just blow your mind? Itâs like finding out frozen yogurt isnât really good for you. How can that be, you say? Impossible!
Believe it.
Love is beautiful. Love makes us happy, fulfilled, and purposeful. When a relationship ends and thereâs still love there, itâs hard to let go.
Still, as clichĂ© as it is, itâs better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. When we love someone else we learn so much about ourselves. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable, open, and true.
Just because you broke up doesnât mean the love has to die. Let it be. Love that you loved and move forward. Staying stuck in the past because you believe love can save you is pointless.
Love isnât a relationship savior; love is a relationship enhancement.
You will love someone else again even if it doesnât feel like it right now. But if you donât let go of your ex and start looking for love in new places (including self-love), youâre going to stay stuck for a very long time.
Final Thoughts
Limiting beliefs are tough to overcome, I know.
But if youâre reflecting on the three limiting beliefs Iâve mentioned or if other ones are coming up for you, then youâre taking the first step to overcoming them.
Once you know they exist you can take action. And when you start to take action youâll begin to move forward. I promise.
Breakups are brutal. But if youâre tired of grieving and ready to move forward with your life, remember to take it one day, one step, one choice at a time.
Make the choice to go out with a friend for dinner instead of staying home feeling sorry for yourself.
Make the choice to go to the gym instead of creeping your ex on Facebook.
Make the choice to read a book like Rising Strong instead of drinking beer and smoking pot all day.
Getting over a breakup is a choice.
I believe you are capable of moving forward with more confidence, purpose, and authenticity than youâve ever had.
But itâs going to take hard work to get past your limiting beliefs.
Are you up for the challenge?
About Eric Ibey
Eric Ibey is a speaker, adventurer, and storyteller. He is the creator of the Breakup Challenge, which has helped hundreds of people let go and move on after a tough breakup or divorce. Eric lives in Montreal, Canada.