“Look at what you’ve got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” ~Proverb.
The year 2013 was the happiest of my life.
Not because it was the most perfect or problem free year. In reality it was as messy, sad, and as difficult as any previous year.
In October I looked at the last correspondence between my biological father and me for the first time since his suicide years before. I felt as devastated as the day he died. Healing is a much longer journey than I’d imagined.
Around March my psychologist noted that I was codependent on my blissfully independent husband and in serious need of my own identity.
In August I traveled to the U.S. for the first time in three years, and people I love rejected me.
From April to November I hated the stress, demands, and despair of my job and wanted to quit. Every single day.
That’s not all.
Extended family ignored requests to help me write a memoir about my biological father and grandmother. I gained weight, broke my toe, and couldn’t get rid of an itchy rash. Not a single piece of my writing got published and my blog went days without a visitor.
The miracle of 2013 is that I broke free of the notion that happiness is an if/then proposition.
If…I get the job, if he loves me, if I stop feeling anxious, if my health gets better (insert your own if here)…
…then I will be happy.
Happiness is not when everything turns out exactly how we want or plan.
Happiness is a full-hearted, unreserved embrace of life—exactly as it is.
I identified three keys to making happiness a more enduring state—not just a flickering emotion dependent on other people and results.
Here is how I do it.
1. Gratitude
In 2013 I started keeping track of my gratitude. Each day I write between five to eight unique events I am grateful for. I don’t repeat anything from the previous day.
If you grew up in an abundant environment and learned to be grateful because of it, awesome. I did not.
Learning was a slow process for me. After twenty-one days I was not a more positive or grateful person. A hundred days in, it had completely changed my life.
Gratitude does not come naturally to me, but it’s the surest path to happiness, I promise.
Even when work sucks and people disappoint me or I let myself down, I make an effort to see all the spaces, places, and people for which or whom I am grateful.
With time, I have begun to recognize my gratitude not just at the end of the day, but when things actually occur.
2. Self-Compassion
I accompany homeless adults on the arduous journey of trying to reenter the work market. Recently, one participant (in a drunken rage) broke the leg of the chair and threatened to attack another person.
My team took care of the immediate danger, and the next day it was left to me to conduct the reflection.
The conversation lasted less than five minutes. He justified his actions and I couldn’t muster up the courage to challenge him.
“Is this your first time?” our new social worker asked with concern.
“No, more like my hundredth,” I replied.
Not my best work. I felt like a failure.
One year ago I would have replayed the scene in my head over and over and called myself every name in the book. I’m the manager, what example am I setting, my team thinks I am a loser, the participant thinks I am a joke, etc.
It’s hard to be happy, in any circumstance, when you are your own worst critic.
Being kind to myself is a huge challenge—and a fundamental element in my pursuit of living an authentic and happy life.
Recognizing that self-compassion is not weakness or going to make me a lazy, unmotivated slob has greatly increased my willingness to be nicer to myself.
The truth is, the kinder I am to myself, the more willing I am to get up from each failure and try again.
Writing not published? Try somewhere else.
Friend not responding? Give it some time.
Husband really mad at me? That is okay, it happens to everyone and we will work it out.
How do you treat yourself when you fail? Make sure it’s with a hug.
3. Passion
After I recovered from the shock of the therapist’s statement that I had no clearly formed sense of self, I knew she was right.
What now? How do I discover who I am?
I asked myself, what do I love to do?
I didn’t ask myself how I will make the most money or become famous or what I am the best at. I asked myself what I love and then acted upon the response without reservation.
The answer was writing.
I can’t identify independent clauses, I have never read Dostoevsky, I will probably never be able to make a living from writing, and it is what I love to do.
This was the motivation to start taking online writing classes, reading books, and starting a daily writing practice.
Better yet, by investing in one interest, several others had room to grow.
In 2013 I took a photography class, began sketching, created desserts with no refined sugar, and started a blog—all of which I do while maintaining my full-time job.
If no one reads what I write or looks at what I create, that’s okay.
What matters is that I showed up for me.
If someone asks you who are you, what are your hobbies, what you would do if money weren’t an issue and you don’t have an answer, don’t worry—I didn’t either.
Simply start with what you love.
Don’t judge, don’t censure, don’t over think. What do you love?
Start. Today.
—
You will experience sadness and loss and suffering in life. There is no guarantee or protection against pain. But if you practice gratitude and self-compassion and invest in your identity, you will create a default state of happiness that will support all the difficulties and failures along the way.
Take a deep breath, get in touch with who you are, and find something you appreciate about your life, exactly as it is. There you have it.
Happiness is within your reach right now, no matter what is happening in your life.
Photo by geralt
About MW de Jesus
MW de Jesus is a writer, mother, wife, and friend. She offers freelance writing services to help recover healthy self esteem at unspokenmoments.com. You can connect with her on Instagram (@unspokenmoment) and on Facebook (www.facebook.com/unspokenmoment)
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
How convenient to stumble across this article just right now in my life.
I’ve learned over the pass months (3 to be exact) how much reading is helping
me one tiny step to get out of this hell hole that I somehow managed to throw
myself in. I know there’s no guarantee in life, and nothing you have can’t be
consistent, and that’s my biggest difficulty for living a regret free life, and
that’s the reason for why I think that I can’t be happy, because I’m always
trying to fight what’s so natural and general in life. No one has guarantee, yet
I choose to consistently erase or not go after the things I want. Because they
can’t ever be there like I want to. I’ve gone through life thinking if I only
get this and that I will be happy, and each time I gotten the things I wanted. That
happiness just lasted 1 week! For all the effort I put the outcome gave me 1
week of happiness, that’s all. And somewhere along I realized, that the drivers
license I so longed for, the apartment near city, my first real job after my
education, none of this gave me that pure happiness that I wanted, and neither
did the person whom could fill a bit of happiness. I just realized this, and I
just realized that’s why my recent heartache hurts so very much, not because of
the loss of this person(I don’t’ even think I want him back anymore) because of
the loss of happiness in me before I meant this person. If I can get so instable
and hurt over someone else, I really can’t have had that pure inner happiness
that only I can create for myself?
I really don’t know how I will get up and become better, because I’m in
a rare state of mind, that every morning I wake up, with a giant knot in my stomach pressing so very hard, making me
feel so much pain, scare, anxiety that I wake up and throw up the instant I
stand up. The only thing I do know for sure is that I DON’T what to ever feel
like this again, and maybe that’s just the ironi in it all, I spend 25 years of
my life, protecting myself from all the pain and heartache I saw my pain go
through, and I kept thinking that I’m doing myself a favor, while I was just
digging a big hole, experience is the key to strength, if I had gone through
this heartache when I was younger I would have possibly been able to deal with
is better today, but I did what I always have done – run, run when it gets
tough and run so you don’t have to feel one of life’s most common suffering for
all people – heartache.
Thank you for your article, you did me well!
Thank you
I so needed to read this today. I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal for about 8 weeks. One of my best habits
Lots of ♡ from NYC
Thank you, it felt like you were talking to me. Exactly what I needed to hear, but didn’t know.
Way to go MW in doing what you love! Keep it going and who knows where it may lead you. All the best to you!
Veronica, thanks so much for the affirmation. Cheers!
Kristine, I can´t think of a greater gift than your comment. Thank you!
Affiong, congrats on the gratitude journal. It really is great, isn´t it?! Love to you from SP.
You are welcome, and thank you in return.
Evelyn, thank you for sharing. I definitely don´t have the one, right, magical answer but it sounds like you are on the journey and seeking healing. I have every hope that will lead you to the whole hearted healing we all yearn for. Cheering you on!
I think I need to start a workplace gratitude notebook… Such a great idea! You’re amazing- I hope to be reading more from you on here 😉
Hi MW–These are some great steps to finding happiness. All three are really important to me, but the one that resonates the most for me is finding your passion. I love hearing about all of your creative endeavors. I believe everyone is an artist and that exploring our creativity needs to be an essential part of our lives. Thanks for a very inspiring post! CJ
This was a wonderful article. Thank you.
MW, amazing! I really like to read what you write! The number 3 seems that you wrote exactly for me. Thanks.
You are a good writer. You show vulnerability but do not go overboard with your personal story and self-pity. The advice is unique, insightful, and right on target. It’s also what I personally needed to hear today, as I enter the world of a grave personal challenge. Thank you!
Writer & Editor
Wow! We must be connected psychically because this is exactly what my inner self needed to read! It’s so easy to fall into a pattern of self pity, and darned hard to drag oneself out of that and into a lighter more hopeful space. Thank you!
What a beautiful and inspiring post! Thank you so much for publishing this and for reminding us that there is always something to be grateful for!
Fantastic! Thank you for sharing this with us!
I am grateful for your words!
I felt the same way – was most definitely supposed to read this EXACT article, right now. Thank you!
I love this website and so glad I found it!!
Great stuff! I enjoyed reading your article and can relate to a lot of things you said, as so many people have. You must´ve got something right! Bom trabalho… e continue escrevendo 🙂
Fabulous post. I can relate to your experience with writing. Personally it has been extremely healing for me. It was through writing that I was able to find a sense of purpose and strong sense of self-worth. Thank you for sharing your story.
Beth, I love the idea that we are connected. I have no doubt that is possible, even continents and time zones away. Thanks for reading!
Felipe, thank you for reading!! 🙂
Alyssa V, you are the best. Thank you
CJ, I totally agree that we are all artists. So glad to hear from you
Caio, obrigada pelo apoio! I appreciate you leaving a comment. Thanks
Rochelle, thanks for your generous comment.
It means a lot to me that you appreciated it. Thank you
Kimberly, thank you for acknowledgement. As you enter this new challenge may your path be filled with the support and gratitude you give to others.
Always remember that happiness comes from within. This was a very good reed. Thank you for this.
This is such a beautiful, powerful, and well-written post, and it came at the perfect time for me. Thank you so much. 🙂
This was, by far, the most intimate and moving piece you have written, Melissa. I continue to marvel at the maturity of your musings! You are a blessed “old” soul and I am privileged to call you a friend and “life mentor”…never stop writing…I want to keep reading!
Thank you for this, it’s what I needed to read right now. Lately I’ve been throwing myself a huge pity party, but not for any good reason. I need to start being grateful again for what I have, not what I “think” I need.
I can really do gratitude, can work on self-compassion, but to key in on wgat I love – so hard for me.
Where did this picture come from????
Thanks a lot for this great article.
Nataline, I get that finding a passion/what we love is so much harder than it seems it should be. I didn’t select the image but people have loved it.
WS, and don’t forget to be very kind to yourself. Sometimes we need a pity party!
Thank you so much Kathleen. Your encouragement is unwavering and so whole hearted. It motivates me.
I really appreciate this article because I am a current college student who is studying in Paris. I have been practicing gratitude everyday for the past two years. I also do it when situations arise that I feel like I have no control over and I am definitely following my passion and have self-compassion. Sometimes I am a bit hard on myself but I practice gratitude and it lifts my mood and situations just magically change :). I really love how you said happiness is not when everything happens the way you want it but accepting the way it is. I always learned that you have to be grateful for what the situation is now in order for it to change. Just to be grateful for everything that happens and is given to you and then you will be given more. Thank you for this post :).
Self compassion, I should practice more… Thanks for the article, this is inspiring.
Thanks for sharing! Sometimes it’s hard to be happy and get yourself out of your present state of mind that is bringing you down. I really enjoyed reading this and feel it will help many others on the road to finding happiness within themselves.
When I open my eyes every morning, gratitude is my first created thought. Naming at least ten people who I am grateful for brings the presence of gratitude fully into my mind and body. Gratitude compels me to be great with others throughout my day, and fearlessly demonstrate love fully to the people who make a difference in my life.
Self-Compassion has allowed me to heal from decades of suffering, and to forgive myself for the unintended pain I have caused others. Being kind and patient with myself provides the calmness of mind and heart I need, in order to extend compassion to people who love and support me.
Passion is the fire that burns within me and fuels courage, and leaps into action when I am afraid to take that next step forward. Courage fueled by Passion.
In the face of divorce, financial insecurity, moving to a new city, and career transition, Gratitude, Self-Compassion, and Passion are three fundamental pillars of certainty that I myself have the power to create.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder!
Cheers to you for showing up for yourself and creating a habit of practicing gratitude by staying the course past that 100-day mark!
Excellent post, MW. Love the last bit about showing up for yourself and to start with what you love. Couldn’t have said it any better. 🙂
Wonderful message and post! 🙂 Was on the lookout for something uplifting- and this was a great read!!
Thank you for taking the time to write this, I enjoyed reading it. May you be held in compassion, may your pains and sorrows be ceased and may you be at peace.
I really love your blog, in this kind of world we must keep in mind what is really essential, I’m reading your posts and saved it just in case I need an inspiration, to tell you I’ve been down because have some health issues and I’m confused right now on what to do,your blog really helps a lot.Keep on posting.More power! Christine xx from Philippines
Wow ! I somehow stumbled upon this article and it turned out just the right thing to read and practice in my present circumstances. Very insightful thoughts which I too share. Like many self-help gurus say, happiness comes from within. The hard part is to identify our true calling in life and to answer it and realize our true potential. It’s sad, and amazing, just how many of us live our lives underachieving and under-performing and leading a life of mediocrity. Unfortunately, discovering our true calling in life is a long and hard journey of self-discovery, i.e. who we really are. This article helps work towards that to an extent.