“Don’t settle for anybody, just so you can have somebody.” ~Unknown
Here I was again, sitting in front of my computer looking at things I could involve myself in to occupy my time now that I am newly single.
Should I pay $125 for a private tennis lesson and still be terrible afterward? Could I buy a soul cycle package and not eat lunch or dinner for the next month? How many paint nights could I do over the course of the summer? Do I even have enough friends to join me?
As I sit here and think about what happened, I ask myself, was my life a happy one before and after this person left? The answer is yes. Yes, it was!
I have a career I’m happy about, live on my own (finally), am getting into shape again, and have marvelous friends, family, and my cat. The only difference is that I do not have him.
I had imagined many things with this man. I told myself we got along perfectly—that he and I understood one another; that we just “meshed.” So I felt like he must be “the one” until he made it clear he was not.
Although I was sad because he was no longer in my life, I realized I was mourning the assumptions I had made, the uneasy feelings I overlooked, and the dream I created in hopes that the search was over, that the uncertainty about my future had vanished.
So what is it that I really did here? What is it that I, and so many people, do to convince ourselves that we are with “the one” when we, in fact, are not?
Here’s a list of the three behaviors we are repeating and how to change them. (Hooray!)
1. We underestimate or overlook our intuition.
We don’t listen to that nagging voice or feeling that says, “Nope, this feels weird,” “You just lied about the kind of food you like, to please him/her,” and “S/he doesn’t get how passionate you really are.”
2. We become anxious about the future.
If your family is like mine, they want to know if you will be married…ever, and they “worry” when you’re single. This is ingrained in us. Societal pressures and norms tell us that we have a problem if we don’t at least have a prospect in our late twenties to early thirties.
We have internalized this message, and hope and dream every time we get into a relationship. This can keep us in relationships because we have convinced ourselves we could not start over again and that this must be the partner for us.
3. We settle.
Yes, I said it. I don’t mean settling in the sense that we will date any individual because they give us attention. What I mean is we are willing to compromise on some fundamental values, qualities, and important character traits. This can happen because of #2, or because we simply do not yet know what we want in a relationship.
How to Change These Behaviors
We all have that intuitive feeling; some of us call it a “vibe,” others call it an energy. It exists so that it can be used! Listen to it. If you feel something is off, it more than likely is. Don’t ignore it. Sit with the feeling, and then dig.
Ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? What feels wrong here? Be your own explorer. This could help save you time and energy in a relationship where you do not feel comfortable or understood.
As humans, we all want to avoid pain and suffering. It’s normal. So in relationships, we can do two things: run away when we are afraid emotions are invested, or we can stay in a relationship and tell ourselves we are happy.
The brain is a powerful tool, and if you tell yourself something enough times, you will begin to believe it. If you have made up your mind that your lot in life is to suffer in relationships, then you do not believe in all the beautiful things the universe has in store for you.
This is what causes us to get caught up. We think “this is probably as good as it’s gonna get”
No, it isn’t! Create a vision board, or write out the qualities you seek. Being firm on what you want in a relationship, and believing it is possible to attract someone with those qualities, will make it less likely that you will settle for less.
Part of the problem many of us have faced is that we are unclear on what we want, and so we attract some qualities but not all. Believe it or not, dating and break-ups allow us to regain clarity, to say, “Yeah, I like this but not that.” The clearer you are, the clearer the universe can be.
Settling is a painful word. We all want to believe we have and never will do this. It’s not to say who we dated isn’t worthwhile, but it’s saying you decided that person’s needs were more important than your own.
You were willing to shut something off inside yourself for this person, and that, my dear, is unacceptable.
Everything you are, you think, and feel is important. You deserve to have all of that valued by your partner. If you find you are suddenly overlooking parts of yourself, or omitting them, then you are not being true to your authentic self.
Now imagine doing this long term. Not happening.
The best thing to do here is to begin the process of learning who you are as an individual. What do you like? Where do you enjoy going out? What kinds of people do you like spending time with? What were some things in this relationship you consider to be deal breakers? What are some things you loved?
Take this into your next relationship. But remember to give yourself time to grieve this loss, and turn the focus inward.
There’s a line that always pops into my head after a break-up. Its “square peg, round hole,” and I usually say, “I did it again, didn’t I?”
I was reaching, trying so hard to make him fit. But I have realized this is a part of the process. This is okay; I am human! I am allowed to have hopes and dreams; I just need to learn from these experiences.
So that is what I will continue to do—enjoy my life, love who I am, and one day when I am ready, I will meet my round peg!
Unhappy couple silhouette via Shutterstock
About Raquel Carrasquillo
Raquel Carrasquillo is an LMSW working with legally blind individuals in their adjustment to vision-loss. She lives in NYC and enjoys spending time with family, her cat, Snow White, and her lovely friends. Follow her on Instagram at raqstar612.
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Man I needed to read this today! I was so sure that he was the one based on his words, even when his actions didn’t match, and I made excuse after excuse for him. He has made it very clear that our “break” (initiated for his benefit due to things going on in his life) was the end and just vanished without a trace… until I found an active profile on a dating site. It hurts, but I was okay before him (maybe a little better) and I will be okay after him!
So glad it was a helpful read Heather. We all have been through these moments where we get sucked in and are sure this is the best relationship for us. As much as it hurts, that was a very good decision you made. It shows how much you know your worth. And you’re right, you will be more than ok after him!
The real challenge is to look into the mirror and ask ourselves whether we are self-deluded as to the content of *our own* character. Humans have patterns. Patterns in relationships, patterns in daily habit, patterns in self-image and self-projection, patterns in perception, and patterns in interpretation based off of our pre-conceived or inherent default reactions. We have patterns in the type of personalities which we; in essence, draw to our selves. Unless and until we become self aware, we will repeat these patterns and experience cyclical draw.
Trace I can’t agree with you more. Awareness is definitely key In maintaining any healthy relationship. This article points out the behaviors and patterns that many of us fall into as a result of anxiety, social norms and pressure from family etc. However, the reality is that people are complex and we carry into relationships all that we learn through experiences, family, our upbringing etc. For some people there is a pattern of attracting unhealthy partners and in those cases there may be a need for more serious interventions.
Great piece! I would like to add that even if you are with the right person for you, it won’t work if you adapt your behaviours to fit. Or if you are too desparate for it to work. That alone can kill something that was potentially good. Each person in the relationship is not static and fixed. How we are so depends on who we are with. The key thing is to be true to yourself and not be scared of being alone.
Raquel, your article make me laugh at myself. I got married, as a result of these 3 behaviors many years ago! I can laugh now, because I’m now separated for five months, and very happily so. Though a single mother of two kids, now, I’ve never felt lighter and more energetic, positive and joyful! I’ve changed that old behaviors!
hey Rachel – our intuitions are so important – we hear it and feel it but regularly ignore it. Once upon a time, I thought of my intuitions as a nagging afterthought after I made decisions in my life. But I began to realize that I ignored my intuition to my own detriment. Our intuition knows and knows best – and in dating and relationships – it knows within about 5 minutes if someone is right for us or not. If we can train ourselves to hear that inner voice and listen to it, life will get a whole lot easier and more effortless. Thank you for sharing these insights.
Hema I think that makes perfect sense. We really need to discover who we are and live authentically. This will allow for us to be true to ourselves when we meet someone. That’s the only way to really see if our partner values who we are entirely. In the past, I have been so happy with the idea of a partner that I’ve changed who I am for that person, and needless to say it did not work out.
Vishnu I’m so glad you enjoyed the article. Our intuition will always steer us in the right direction. However, due to the pressure of appearances and how we might be perceived we can often overlook it. Training ourselves to know that we hold these answers is key!
Wow Lucy. That was probably a very hard transition at first, but I’m so glad you can look back and smile. We all deserve to live authentically and we deserve partners who cherish us entirely. So glad you enjoyed the article!
When my ex-boyfriend dumped me to be with someone else, I took the pledge to be my authentic self. I feel that there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with me, and it seems that some people have a HUGE problem with it. Although people’s insecurities aren’t my problem, I refuse to change anything about myself just to make them feel better.
I decided to remain single, by enjoying my own company. Being single gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate EVERYTHING that was going on, and to have a better understanding that I shouldn’t have to settle for less.
Great piece, Raquel! Thank you for sharing your experience.
It was super hard. And harder that we had two little kids. So it wasn’t an easy decision to make at all.
Latrice it sounds like you know exactly what you want in a relationship, and that is to be accepted and loved for who you are. It’s very hard when we experience a break up in any form, but it can be especially painful if it’s because someone else is in the picture. It can really take a toll on our self esteem and self worth. You seem to have dealt with the entire experience from a place of strength and by taking care of yourself. It’s such a good feeling to know we shouldn’t settle for less than we deserve. I’m so glad you enjoyed the article!
My ex-boyfriend didn’t bother telling me that he was in a relationship with someone else, and honestly, his humiliation took a huge toll on my self-esteem and self-worth. (which is absolutely right!) He took the cowardly way out, by not telling me the truth. I don’t see the point on me wishing him well, because he doesn’t deserve that.
Hi Raquel & Vishnu,
The question of intuition/feeling is sometimes a problem for me too. It doesn’t appear right at the beginning itself. It seems to wait after I’ve decided involving others and cause unnecessary difficulties to others & me. I’m unhappy though it proves to be right many times. Due to this, I’m usually afraid to decide, dodge decisions, and keep it to the last moment.
Any ideas?
Hi Raquel,
Well written. You have arranged your arguments beautifully!
You talk about our anxiety to conform social & family norm that one should be married by 30. If not, one is considered inadequate by default. You rightly point out that we believe we can’t keep restarting with potential mates. Then, why do we want to keep up with our society and why we can’t remain single is the basic question. Is it that we always believe that we have to achieve something to make us acceptable? That we are scared of being alone and left alone? Does this not ‘conformation compulsion’ applies to other areas such as education, employment, having children, and so on?
Thank you for the feedback Shanker! I agree that in many areas of life we can feel pressure from society/family. The important piece here is to distinguish what our motivation is to do these things. If we are set on getting married by age 30, we should ask ourselves why we want that. If we can understand where these desires come from, we can make better informed decisions. For some of us, it may be that we have pressures from family and we just want to make THEM happy. That’s not being true to who WE ARE however. If we have a desire it should come from a place of well-being for ourselves, because then we are being authentic to who we are.
All I can say is a very big thank you. It’s like you knew what I went through, read my thoughts and gave me the answer that I knew all along. This is exactly what I needed to read today. Cheers to us and our round peg 🙂