“At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” ~Jack Kornfield
We all grow up with some healthy stories about love and some unhealthy ones. I learned some beautiful, life-giving ideas about love, ideas like these:
- Loving people means believing in their potential.
- Love means treating people with kindness and gentleness.
- Loving the people in your life means celebrating their successes and cheering them on.
But I also grew up with some stories about love that I came to see weren’t so helpful. Those ideas about love bred problems in my relationships.
One of those stories was: Loving someone means always being available to them. (Turns out, it’s not true, and living as if it is breeds resentment.)
Another was: Loving someone means always having space for what they want to talk to you about. (Turns out, not true either!)
Another myth about love: If you love someone, you do what they are asking you to do, out of love, even if it feels difficult. (I can tell you, that doesn’t work so well.)
I’ve developed my own guidelines for loving the people in my life, guidelines that express how I want to relate to the people around me.
These are some of my guidelines for loving:
1. Tell them about their brilliance.
They likely can’t see it and they don’t know its immensity, but you can see it, and you can illuminate it for them.
2. Be authentic, and give others the gift of the real you and a real relationship.
Ask your real questions. Share your real beliefs. Go for your real dreams. Tell your truth.
3. Don’t confuse “authenticity” with sharing every complaint, resentment, or petty reaction in the name of “being yourself.”
Meditate, write, or do yoga to work through anxiety, resentment, and stress on your own so you don’t hand off those negative moods to everyone around you. Sure, share sadness, honest dilemmas, and fears, but be mindful; don’t pollute.
4. Listen, listen, listen.
Don’t listen to determine if you agree or disagree. Listen to get to know what is true for the person in front of you. Get to know an inner landscape that is different from your own, and enjoy the journey. Remember that if, in any conversation, nothing piqued your curiosity and nothing surprised you, you weren’t really listening.
5. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about how they need to be different.
Really. Chuck that whole thing. Their habits are their habits. Their personalities are their personalities. Let them be, and work on what you want to change about you—not what you think would be good to change about them.
6. Remember that you don’t have to understand their choices to respect or accept them.
7. Don’t conflate accepting with being a doormat or betraying yourself.
Let them be who they are, entirely. Then, you decide what you need, in light of who they are. Do you need to make a direct request that they change their behavior in some way? Do you need to take care of yourself better? Do you need to set a boundary or to change the relationship? Take care of yourself well, without holding anyone else in contempt.
8. Give of yourself, but never sacrifice or compromise yourself.
Stop if resentment is building and retool. Don’t do the martyr thing. It helps no one and nothing.
9. See their value.
Remember that everyone you encounter was created by divine intelligence and has an important role to play in the universe. Treat them as such.
10. Accept this as your mantra and try to live as if it were true: Everything that I experience from another human being is either love or a call for love.
With this mantra as your guide, you’ll keep growing emotionally and spiritually for the rest of your life.
What are your guidelines for loving the people in your life?
Friends hugging image via Shutterstock
About Tara Sophia Mohr
Tara Sophia Mohr is a writer, coach, and personal growth teacher. She’s the creator of the global Playing Big leadership program for women, the author of The Real Life poems, and is a regular writer for the Huffington Post. Visit www.taramohr.com for more.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I really like this. In the last few years I’ve been trying to understand – and, in truth, dismantle – some of the “truths” I had internalized about what love is. I don’t know that my own rules are as articulate as yours, and I know I fall short of them every single day. But for me the essential thing is to meet the other person where they are. None of us need fixing. Some of my family and friends think I’m cynical about how people won’t change, but I simply think we need to work with the patterns and bumps that those we love best have, rather than trying to change and smooth them. I strive to honor those I love best for who they are, and to, as you say, help them see their own glittering. It’s not easy, because it requires me to shut off my own voice of judgment, which is hard for most of us. But it’s so worth it. Thank you for this wisdom. xox
Absolutely wonderful. Thank you
So beautifully said. Thank you!
This article is fabulous!!! I have struggled to change habits so as to reflect and live your practices. Thank you for this, I plan to read this several times! 🙂
Wow, beautifully said, Lindsey. I totally agree with what you said.
It’s so rare that people accept others “as they are” and I know this from experience. What a gift it would be for everyone to have someone like you in their lives!
Loved this article, and each one of these guidelines is something I have taken to heart. Thank you, Tara!
Beautifully written thank you so much for echoing all that I believe so eloquently – fabulous! xxxx
Amazing list… #5 had a neon light around it for me today. Thank you for great insights.
b
This is a great post, Tara! I’m definitely sharing.
@HeatherEColeman:twitter
Just the words I needed at this very exact precise moment. I was trying to find the words to tell a friend how much I appreciate his loving care for me over the years – when I’ve been less than loveable. He never tried to change me or guide me – he just listened and was there – with an occasional suggestion that I might be overreacting and need to “just be.” Thank you for encapsulating it for me.
I realize now how much he has loved me.
Excellent post Tara. Number 4, ‘Don’t listen to determine if you agree or disagree. Listen to get to know what is true for the person in front of you.’ I think is the best bit of advice you could give anyone for forming meaningful relationships and connecting with people. 🙂
A conscious and livable list, and should be an everyday practice.
Thanks
I would like to engrave this on a rock for a few of my friends: 5. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about how they need to be different. Really. Chuck that whole thing. Their habits are their habits. Their personalities are their personalities. Let them be, and work on what you want to change about you—not what you think would be good to change about them.
I would like to engrave this on a rock for a few of my friends: 5. Don’t waste your time or energy thinking about how they need to be different. Really. Chuck that whole thing. Their habits are their habits. Their personalities are their personalities. Let them be, and work on what you want to change about you—not what you think would be good to change about them.
I was waiting for an article about love from tinnybbudha. Finally, here it is! Thanks for the guidelines. Who knows I may find love after all?
A joyous and true little list. Thanks for sharing it.
Great list, especially #6.
There was this major moment in my relationship with my partner where he told me about some jealousy that he felt, and I became angry at him and told him that it was not logical. He said, “I know it’s not logical or fair, but it’s how I feel.” The honesty of that and the realization that I had to accept his feelings even if I disagreed was like a lightening bolt of realization. It allowed me not only to be emotionally available to him, but to be honest with myself.
#3 is really important. I knew someone who would say mean things under the guise of “I’m just being honest” when she was actually just hurting others feelings. Be honest with your motives if you do need to say something unpleasant.
Love the last point, we’re here to experience love or give it. Often we forget calls to love and think them to be something else. Well put. Thank u for the reminder. God bless
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Hi Tara. What a beautiful statement at the end of your post: “Everything that I experience from another human being is either love, or a call for love.”
Thank you for that reminder of how the essence of love is a common thread for all.
Warmly.
I trully l♥v♥ this! words of wisdom!
Hi Tara, thank you for your heartfelt article.
My guidelines.It’s not necassary to know the meaning of love to love, you just have to feel it.Loving is something special you do for someone, it’s a verb.Because there is really only one type of love in a releationship, unconditional love, love without need or expectation.All you really need to know, and all they really need to know, is that you love them.
Because the whys can wait, because you will both find out the whys with time, because the whys will increase with time.When you realy love someone, unconditionaly love someone, love without need or expectation, you need patience.Patience is worth everything, becaue sometimes you just have to ‘step backwards over the edge’ and leave the rest to your karma.Buddha teaches us that when you change your self for the better, or the more you change your self for the better, you feel the same but there’s more of you to care for and share with the person you love.Which means you can change your karma and improve your relationship with the person you love by changing your self.
Ah, you lost me at those three words in number nine. Why can’t we accept that everyone was created… and has a role to play in the universe? But I have the rest of it down pat, so to speak…
I’ve always lived all of these points but for that one part of number nine. But good try with your list! You just need an editor you respect to help you cut to the quick. Religion is less important for some than living as a decent human being, and I wish more atheists could get credit for being decent all on their own, sans all the judgement.
Best regards,
– Patrick
Thank you so much for this piece. I really needed to read it today as I work through some issues with a person in my life. Your ideas are so enriching. Thanks again.
Great little advice article! I personally strive for all of this when I meet new people especially. I just graduated high school and sadly no one I met acted anything like this. Some of my best friends would put me down and so I let them go but they made me out to look like the bad guy. This article is wonderful because if someone doesn’t show some type of love towards you (such as cheering on your goals or enlightening your confidence) then you must separate yourself from them.
Thank you for the advice…
Absolutely wonderful post!
Spread the word in the world. The world would be different if everybody would apply it.
Thanks you for sharing this!
Just what i needed to hear Thank you now will try to put it in practice
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I needed this today!
I needed this today!
I have to say I love this article
I love it, I absolutely love it,
actully what’s written from number 1 to 6, are things that I have just learnt recently and from experience too. And the facts you wrote in number 7 and 8 just speak to me!!!
I absolutely needed to read this
thank you for your wonderful inspiration
This is such important advice, Tara, especially in our society which encourages self-absorption. Thank you for sharing.
Wow! Awesome post. I’m even saving it for later!
Great article. I think that it is important to show the people you love in your life that you love them. Random acts of kindness and considerate gifts are also great ways to show your appreciation for them.
The trouble is…when you really fall in love with the person and you are loving her madly and fully…then you don’t think about boundaries and half-loves
This is brilliant – thanks for sharing the love and helping us all to love without conditions. Perfect start to the week.
Ingrid
X
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Really helpful article. It confirms my existing beliefs, confronts the fears lurking and collects the courage that had gone astray.
Thanks, X
I loved this article! Thanks for sharing!
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nice thanks for the tips, also read 21ways to love your wife http://loveswaggs.blogspot.com/2011/08/21-ways-to-love-your-wife.html and 21 ways to love your husband
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This is nice