“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~Rumi
When I met my first love, my dull black and white life became as bright as a double rainbow. The intense hues of love flooded over me with extreme joy and happiness.
Soon after meeting, we married and lived together for ten years. Yet, like rainbows and raindrops, our love evaporated and I took our divorce especially hard, soaking in self-pity and sadness while grieving for the past several years.
After experiencing a painful breakup, you never, ever want to be in a relationship again. A broken heart and pained soul wants to give up on love altogether.
Why put yourself through so much pain and suffering for a love that hurts and could end?
The reason to give love another shot, I’ve learned, is that by loving better and deeper, we become even more whole. Our hurt and tears clear the fog around our heart and illuminate the soul.
The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.
There are plenty of obstacles keeping us from loving again. Sad to say, I’ve experienced them all.
Here are ten way to let go of the obstacles preventing you from having love in your life.
1. Let go of pain.
You can’t let go of pain by resisting it. You could avoid the pain for some time, but in order to move on you must fully embrace the pain.
Embracing the pain means experiencing loss, sadness, and grief. As difficult as it might be, allow the tears to flow and share your experience with your friends and family.
Write down your feelings and come to terms with the emotions you’re going through.
Instead of judging yourself harshly for your feelings, wash yourself in compassion for finding the strength to move through your pain.
2. Let go of trespasses.
When you break up, you feel like you want to blame everyone for causing your heartache. This includes not just your ex, but also their parents, your parents, their friends, your friends, and everyone in between.
The only way to stop blaming others is to forgive them. No matter how grave the offense or how unacceptable their behavior, your healing starts when you let go of the gripe. Yes, it was unfair; yes, it was unjust; and yes, they did you wrong. But there’s nothing to be done now but forgive.
Forgive people, because they, like us, have many imperfections. They know not what they do. They don’t live up to our expectations and have had difficult pasts that we may not understand fully.
3. Let go of bitterness.
The way to let go of bitterness toward others is to think of the many positive qualities and experiences you’ve had with them.
Your ex is not an evil person; they just weren’t the best person for you.
Instead of being stuck on their flaws and wrongdoings, allow the power of forgiveness to overlook what they’ve ‘done’ to you. Look at what good they’ve done, how much they’ve helped you be a better person, and the happy times you had together.
Remind yourself of their redeeming qualities. See their light.
4. Let go of resentments.
We let go of self-pity and resentments by being more grateful.
Not only be thankful to your ex and the relationship you shared, but start living a life filled with gratefulness.
Notice the small things and the big things that are constantly occurring around you.
Appreciate the kind gesture, the words of encouragement, and the favorable circumstances that unfold in your life.
Making a small gratitude list as you start or end the day can help you move from focusing on resentments to focusing on thankfulness.
5. Let go comparing yourself to others.
What I’ve learned is that no relationship is perfect, and most relationships look good from the outside. Comparing your relationship to others isn’t very constructive.
Once again, transform bitterness toward others to gratefulness that others have found love in their lives. If others have found love, let that be a message of hope and possibility for you.
We are each on our own journeys to better understanding ourselves and loving better. Our journey is independent of anyone else’s.
Your day will come. Your broken love and loss are the seeds of true love.
6. Let go of expectations.
We’ve grown up to expect a lot of things to turn out a certain way. But like the weather and weather reports, you can’t count on sunny and bright all the time.
If we can’t expect good weather, we sure can’t expect a perfect love or a partner to behave a certain way.
The way to be happy in and out of relationships is to let go of expectations and conditions.
Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.
Be open to the magic of possibilities.
7. Let go of resistance.
Although love can be painful and heart-breaking, be willing to open your heart anyway.
Be open to meeting new people, be open to being vulnerable, and be open to falling in love again.
Love can only bloom if you’re open to love in your life. Set the intention for love to enter again.
8. Let go of being tough.
I know the feeling well. “The stronger and more closed I am to others, the less likely someone else will hurt me again.”
If you close your heart and feelings to others, you may avoid pain, but you’ll also miss out on happiness and joy.
Seek to be your most honest self. Instead of hiding behind a cloak of someone you’re not, be yourself in the world, which will only make you more attractive.
By being true to yourself, you’ll also attract people who are better suited for you.
Being vulnerable means being honest about your shortcomings and sharing your feelings. It’s choosing honesty over trying to look good.
9. Let go of telling the same story over and over.
You want to tell the same sad story repeatedly to friends—a love gone wrong, a love soured, a love that fell apart.
What if that story simply wasn’t true?
There are many perspectives and stories in every relationship. Are you holding onto a story of resentment and bitterness?
Are you willing to see a different story? A different perspective?
Could the lost love have helped you grow? Heal some part of yourself? Learn about an open wound?
Is the story you’re telling yourself blocking love from entering your life again?
10. Let go of fear.
The way to let go of fear is to recognize and embrace it.
How is fear holding you back? Is it keeping you stuck from living the life you want or the love you desire?
Call fear out for what it is. What is the worst that can happen if this fear came true? How likely is it that this fear will come true? Have you overcome fears like this in your past?
When you confront fear and acknowledge it for what it is, you can have an honest conversation with fear.
Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self. Even if you break up with them, they can be a conduit to healing and being made whole.
Let go of your blocks keeping you from experiencing joy. Let go and choose love again.
Couple with flashlight hearts image via Shutterstock
About Vishnu
Vishnu is a writer and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose. He blogs at www.vishnusvirtues.com For Vishnu's latest book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, visit his Amazon page here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Sounds like you’ve had a really profound transformation!
It’s amazing how much pain, despair, and frustration can all be traced back to resistance in one way or another.
People have known this for thousands of years, it’s just that not enough people have truly known it for the idea to spread.
Glad you’re here doing your part! Thanks for sharing man.
Inspiring post, and a wonderful list of advice/insight! Thank you for sharing this great message! 🙂
Thanks Man. Just let my fear of opening up and committing break a relationship with a great girl. Time to change my view of love and stop hurting others and myself.
Thank you for reading and your continued support. Glad you liked it:) and appreciate your regular comments and feedback.
Thank you, that is sweet of you to say! I love this site, and all the wonderful posts! 🙂
I find this article very helpful. Thanks a lot for sharing this one. Looking forward for more
blogs from you.
I thought we would go to heaven together. The only person in my whole life that I ever truly loved, loves me but isn’t “in” love with me. It’s such a small word but I would give the world for it.
Thank you for reading and your comment. I’ll try my best to keep on writing:)
Glad you found this post helpful.
Sorry to hear about the breakup, Le. Wishing you healing and growth from your recent experience. Our most profound life lessons can come out of our deepest and most intimate relationships. We learn and grow the most from them.
Thanks for your comments, Talya. None of this is easy and I’m working on all these items too:) #5 – just start talking to your girlfriends (true ones) about how their relationships really are. I think you’ll find that some of them will tell you it’s a challenge #9 try some journaling where you write down the ways your ex helped you or what you’re grateful for in the relationship – it can help you rewrite the story. and #10 – what is your fear in relationships? Trying to understand why you’re fearful of one and being aware of that fear is the first step to coming to terms with it.
IN place of romantic relationships, can you open up your heart to friendships first? In my case, I started with improving the relationship with myself. Then friends. Then family. I’m glad this article resonated and I wish you on the best. Your vulnerability and authenticity shines through even in this brief comment you left.
this person could have made you stronger and more prepared for the next relationship in your life. They might have taught you to embrace changes in life. And they might now inspire you to seek more answers within yourself, grow as a person and shine brighter. I’m confident you’ll get through this, be grateful for this past relationship for all its lessons, heal and find your true life partner.
Thanks Chad for your comment! Yeah, resistance to the present moment is probably the biggest problem in heartbreak and many of our life problems.
How do we reduce the resistance in our life and learn to accept more?
I love this quote from Tolle: “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” ~Eckhart Tolle
If we can respond to every situation like this quote suggests, life would be so much more easier to live. Thanks for reading!
Terrific advice. I know that I need to mostly work on the points 6,7 & 8 – expectations, resistance and being tough. Well, now reading your post has inspired me to get on with it. Thank you 🙂
Thank you Vishnu for the great message!!! This shows how well you have taken life’s lessons and how positive you are towards life, Thanks again for your life transforming advice.
Hi Vishnu, I know your honest and heartfelt experiences shared so lovingly will make a difference in someone’s life today. It can be tough to let go and release, yet unless we do, we remain in a prison of our own making. And everyone deserves to live a joy filled, love filled life. Thanks for sharing your insights. 🙂
Been there too, I thought I’d never come out of it, but I did! Was not an easy job but with time you’ll finally understand the reasons why it didn’t work out, you’ll come out of it a better person and yes, you will love again 🙂 Beautiful post Vishnu, keep it up 🙂
Great post! I get stuck on 3 and 4, always! I try to use the power of forgiveness to get through those weak moments. Day by day, Vishnu! 🙂
Simply profound and practical advice, Vishnu! Isn’t it amazing how God can work to transform us even, and perhaps, especially, through our tough experiences. Looking for the positive, having a gratitude attitude, and forgiving our ‘enemies’ is crucial to our healing and growth. It doesn’t make me happy to know all the pain you’ve suffered, but it is sheer pleasure to see how you’ve come out the other side. Blessings, my friend!
I think your posts are fantastic. I split with my boyfriend 7 weeks ago I as he made a million promises and said the right things but never acted on them. I think of him every day and the pain hurts so much. I thought with time it would get easier but I just seem to live him even more as time goes by :'(
The best part is “Let go of resistance”. very true. Most often after the heartbreak we resist love even when we know it is worthy. Only if we allow ourselves to open ourselves again,we can heal ourselves.
Hi Vishnu, glad to see you here! I am so happy for you, you have risen above all those fears and regrets which keep pulling us down into the deepest caverns and emerged stronger, positive and so loving!
I think all the ten tips you have provided can really heal a broken heart…it just takes some extra time, we all can turn a new leaf, change our perspective about life and people when we resolve to move on.
Vishnu, I love the quote at the start of your post. It truly is representative of the message of keeping the faith and opening up.
It’s important to learn from relationships that have ended, and it takes some time (for me, anyway) to get to the point of having learned something. I fear making the same mistakes repeatedly, but I believe you only know if you’ve learned from a relationship by being in another. It’s a good test !
It’s a great test, Razwana. And sometimes we learn the lessons several times before it sinks in:) There’s no greater teacher in the world than experience, in relationships and in life. Thanks for sharing your experience and comment.
hi Balroop, not sure I’m all the way there but these were some of the blocks and obstacles on the path to healing:) Letting go is the first step to healing. I never thought moving on was possible but looks like it is. Thank you for your encouragement and your comment.
Thank you for your comment, Priya. Yes!! Letting go is the first step in healing. And sometimes the resistance can be a big obstacle because the pain makes us think that love is unworthy. Opening ourselves up again is the way to healing and love.
I appreciate your kind words, Faye and glad the posts resonate.
I”m sorry to hear about the breakup but I know in the long run that healing is possible and you’ll be all the better (and stronger) for it.
The healing can start only after the grieving process. And grieving includes letting go of the hurt, the past and what has happened. It will require forgiving and gratefulness for the relationship you did share.
I wish you the best on your journey back to healing and your heart.
Cool, great to hear:) The best part is that acknowledging that you’re confronting these things is the first step to letting go of them. Since you’ve identified what’s holding you back, you’re not too far away from releasing these obstacles in your life. THanks for commenting, Rose!
THank you for your feedback, Sridevi. I’m not quite there but on the way there, and sharing my experiences has not only been helpful to myself but hopefully to everyone reading as well. Thank you for reading and your kind words.
“The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.”
“Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self.”
I love those lines…Thank you for sharing your story & being vulnerable…I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to write something like this, while you are still going through the letting go/grieving process!
Some relationships are abusive and I wonder how one would “forgive and forget” and move on.
Thanks Tasha – glad you liked it:) Yes, time, reflection and the insights you gain after the breakup are key for moving onto your next relationship.
It was hard to write but harder to experience! But I’m glad that I’m going through it. I love this Tiny Buddha inspired quote by C.S. Lewis: “Geting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
And I appreciate the life insights I’ve learned from this experience and just
glad to share my store to help others along their way.
I don’t know all your circumstances so it will be hard to respond and in some cases, therapy and immediate help are needed to get yourself out of a difficult current situation. IF this is a past situation, then forgiving still is key. It’s a practice that we have to build up over a lifetime. It’s trying to understand why the person was the way they way, trying to empthisize with them, showing them compassion. ANd it’s deciding that we are not going to allow ourselves to continue the abuse by replaying the relationship in our mind repeatedly. This bad experience happened once but why allow the experience to continue to replay repeatedly in our mind and hurt ourselves even more. When we decide we are no longer going to let the past burn our fingers again, we put down the attachment to the past experience. I hope this helps and I wish you continued healing and strength to move on.
Thanks Iva – it’s not easy to do. None of this is but doing a little daily as you say is key. Over time, daily practices become habits which become our character. Developing these qualities and abilities over our lifetime is growth:) Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for your comments, Elle. Being able to leave the light on for someone else or show others to the way out of a dark situation has been very satisfying. You are right – this process allows us to break out of the prison we’re stuck in and live a love filled life. Appreciate your feedback again!
Thank you so much Martha for your comment and friendship 🙂 I’m not so sure either about the pain that I experienced previously 🙂 but I’m transformed, grateful for the insights and have received so many gifts from this experience, that all I have is gratefulness for what happened.
I have 2 kidz to man I had an on off relationship with for 9 years who I loved unconditionally and still do a little, I jus have to pretend I dont infront of friends and family as he didnt treat me well he was controlling, jealous, paranoid a cheat, he didn’t and still duznt provide for his kidz and the home we lived in and he enjoyed spending more time with his friends rather than me. I sometimes even wonder if this man loved me or loves me,, I put a stop to the relationship not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to because he was treating me like a door mat,, he still trys to get bk together with me now but I no if I do, nothing changes, nothing gets better ive tried it before. I find it really hard that ive spent 9 years of my life with som1 who I loved with all my heart and more and he didnt really love me bk I feel used like he only wanted me wen he had nothing better to do its really disappointing for me and i feel for my 2 kidz. ive read yor advice today as I find it hard to move on with my life because of how much love i wasted and didnt get it bk,, I still love him now and I try and try not to it kills me without anyone noticing they jus think im depressed over silly things I make excuses like the weather rubbish and not having much money. x
This struck a chord with me, especially “Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.” I was relieved to hear it. And that relief was only continued with the rest of the article. Thank you.
Hello, iam going thu a very tough time in my marriage &would just like some advise
Hi, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been dating a lovely man for a few months. Things were going well, but he has discovered his first love is getting married and now is totally heartbroken about it. They parted 3 years ago.
I don’t know if I should leave him to sort himself out or support him with my friendship?
Thanks for the encouraging words, I have worked on forgiving my spouse and also have asked for forgiveness on his own side. I no longer hold any grudge against him. Is just that is hard for me to move past the pain knowing that he’s leaving a double life and still in relationship with other women. I have never cheated on my spouse. So this is causing me so much pain. He is the only man I have ever loved in my life, so this is very hard on me. Prior to finding out about his infidelity, I have never felt loved, appreciated, or wanted there is no emotional support . I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life by loving the wrong person. I don’t want a divorce because of our children but I need to be happy and loved.
hm…. I like this
Very extremely hard for many of us good men that are looking since the times were so much different years ago unlike today that many women are making much more money than many of us men do since many women over the years have become very greedy and selfish. And God forbid if a woman should ever go with a man that makes much less money than they do since Most women nowadays really want the Best and will Never settle for Less.
This is your typical relationship of society. I will lay it on you harsch from this point.
.
Men stereotypicly learn to live by the brain while women goes by the heart.
He considers you a possession. Men typicly strive for power. Women for love.
You’re doing a good thing by putting your foot down and creating boundries that . His home is not in your heart as yours is in his. He proves it by spending more time with his friends.
Now the pain of loss is kicking in and he desires you back.
If you let him in too easily, he will resume his old habits “This blew over, problem solved”.
This is a point where he must work for your love and affection in earnest.
Whichever way you personally prefer to have this adventure of opening up his heart to true love is in your hands.
Ive just gone through a break up with someone I thought I was going to marry and it has Killed me, he has already moved on and completely blocked me from his life in a matter of weeks. I cant help feeling like I will never find anyone again. thank you for writing this it has made me feel so much better.
Dearest Vishnu – thank you for this share. I know you’re right. I know in every fiber of my being you are absolutely right. But, it is so, so hard to let go of years and years of constant pain and inequity. It is easy to forgive and let go of a faulty human that was your lover, but it is extremely difficult to let go of your interpretation of them. Over time, I’ve learned to give less, expect more, and rely more on the brain and less on the heart to the point where I have built a spiritual fortress of resentment, rage, distrust.
It is an ugly desolation and your words remind me that the only way to freedom is to be willing to be the fool again. I know you’re right. But, I am not the Dalai Lama…though the challenge not impossible, it is a tall order.
I have this beautiful little parrot. He is so perfect. He is blessed with exquisite beauty with all his many, many colors; playfulness, innocence, curiosity. In our 15 years together, there were times when I have made mistakes with him. Somehow, he has been able to forgive me for times I have not been able to forgive myself. His love is so perfect, his trust is so complete. I am in awe of him, every day, so humbled by his divine gifts. And there are times when I am envious that he can just simply love. Just love.
I believe it is possible for humans to do the same. Once we let go of our fear of powerlessness and the illusion of control, I think…Maybe letting go of the fear of pain, the fear of loss, and the fear of victimization, I think it’s possible. But, when powerlessness, pain, loss, and victimization is all you’ve ever known for a long, long time, it is hard to imagine there is anything else when all you want to do is love like a parrot.
Many blessings,
Ray
hi there… erm this may be bad but i need help.. i need to help this girl i love… i know why shes hurt and she can console in me…. however… shes now starting to hate life.. what do i do to help her. i’ve told her im never leaving her and i love her. despite i have my issues with past exes i try focus on my friend because shes truly amazing. but i dont know what to do… help please, i just need to know what to say and do. also she lives in another country to me so i cant hold her….. please help
please message me on my email or here please… i want to save her… she means the world to me many thanks -Scurge
Thanks, this is really helpful… I have found myself in a new relationship after being completely used and abused by my ex-BF. It is wonderful to find love again, but since it was so soon, it has been scary to examine the possibility of being happy and in love again. I am still working through my past and did not expect to meet someone as wonderful as my new BF so soon. He is amazing and I am utterly grateful for the light and love he has brought into my life. As for my ex… I am working through anger, pain, and bitterness so that I can truly heal and be whole again, but alas it is great to love again.. Thanks for the advice Hugs
Today unfortunately a very extremely difficult time for many of us good men looking for real love again after a divorce that wasn’t our fault at all since i am speaking for others as well which many other men i am sure will agree with me as well. Today most women that now have their careers making a six figure income are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry as well since they will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less since it is all about them today. They will never at all go with a man that makes much less money than they make since most of these women are just looking for a rich man since they’re very greedy and selfish just like i just had mentioned. Most of these women now don’t even have respect for us men anymore, no good personality, no good manors, they will mouth off to us when we will try to start a normal conversation with them, a very bad attitude problem, and they always look mad all the time as well. I had a woman that i really wanted to meet at one time since i was very much attracted to her which she cursed at me when all i said to her was good morning and how is your day which turned out to be a very bad mistake for me unfortunately. I know a friend that had the very same thing happened to him as well which really makes these women very pathetic now altogether which really explains why many of us good men are still single today since we really can blame the type of women nowadays that are keeping us still single since it does take two to tango.