“I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay
Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.
At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European culture that shaped me.
Much later, as a grown-up woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I felt unworthy of being loved by a wonderful man, unworthy of getting a good paycheck to reflect my skills and talents, too unworthy to apply for a tempting position at work.
My life looks completely different today, and I embrace the new me with much gratitude and joy. I love myself as I am. I am happily married and doing what I was born to do in the world.
So how did this shift happen?
I can recall myself feeling overwhelmed after a long meeting at work, and looking for some inspiration to help me release the stress and feel better. As I was searching for The Secret movie on the YouTube, I “accidentally” opened another video that went straight into my heart: You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
Today, I know that was no accident. The teacher shows up when the student is ready—so true! I was so touched and absorbed by that movie, I couldn’t stop watching. Listening to Louise was pure magic; every single word went straight into my heart. I finally felt home, in a space where it was perfectly okay to be me: “I love and approve myself as I am. I am whole and complete and life loves me.”
Over the next year, I discovered the work of other enlightened souls—Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Don Miguel Ruiz—inviting me to precious moments of self-reflection and deep learning. Their teaching helped me to let go of old thinking patterns and cultural limiting beliefs that didn’t serve me well.
After much trial and error applying their wisdom to my life, I have found a new sense of freedom. Here’s how:
1. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect.
I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this is what allows me to be me.
Perfection is an illusion—it doesn’t exist. I stopped stressing myself out trying to be perfect and now I am always aiming for “good enough.” I have learned to embrace my mistakes as much needed opportunities for growth, blessings in disguise that make me wiser. If I fail at anything, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, because I am not what I do. Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn. We never lose.
“Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
2. I’ve let go of the need to be busy all the time.
Being in a rush isn’t a sign of virtue. I have learned to listen to my body, and I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I know I sometimes need to recharge the batteries of my body and soul, and I don’t feel like I owe anyone any explanation for doing that.
If I don’t have time for myself, I make it. Watching a good movie, listening to relaxing music, reading a good book, singing, taking a walk to connect with nature—I do whatever makes my heart sing.
“I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
3. I’ve let go of self-criticism.
I pay attention to my inner talk; I don’t call myself names, and I treat myself with dignity and respect. I stopped telling myself things I would never tell a good friend. I am enough, whole, and complete.
I have come to understand that in life, we don’t get what we want. We get what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s necessary to believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay
4. I’ve let go of blaming.
I now know that each time I blame someone else, I am making myself a victim. Blaming others for taking my time, my money, or my love is unfair, because I always choose how much I give and to whom. No one can hurt me or upset me without my conscious (and often unconscious) consent.
Instead, I now take responsibility for the way I feel, act, and think. I am in charge of my actions, and I know my future is the result of my current choices. I am what I believe and whatever I choose to be.
“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Wayne Dyer
5. I’ve let go of judging.
I know that everyone is on their own journey, and my job is to focus on my own. I also know that each time I am judgmental with people, I’m reacting to something that bothers me about myself. If I believe you are mean, it means I can also be mean; how could I see that in you, otherwise?
“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie
6. I’ve let go of making assumptions about what other people feel, want, or think.
I am not them, so there’s no way to know what they’re feeling and thinking.
I stopped making up imaginary scenarios and letting my mind play with me. Each time I find myself disturbed by what people do or say, I know it’s time for a reality check.
From “The Work” of Byron Katie, I’ve learned to examine the thoughts that trouble me and ask myself: “Is that true?” Many of my assumptions likely aren’t. For example, I might assume someone doesn’t like me, when really she’s just having a bad day. Or maybe she’s just shy. Not everyone is the same.
The moment I realize I can’t know what this person thinks, simply because I am not her, my mind gets clear and I am able to meet her with an open heart.
“I found that my unquestioned assumptions were the cause of all war and all peace in my world.” ~Byron Katie
7. I’ve let go of competing with others.
I now know that my need to fight is nothing but my ego’s scream for self-validation. I don’t need anyone to lose any game so that I can feel good about myself. I love harmony, collaboration, and win-wins.
I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I choose to connect with people from a place of love instead of fear, and I believe in abundance. I choose to believe that we live in a supportive universe, where there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.
“Love is cooperation rather than competition.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
8. I’ve let go of chasing happiness.
I no longer project my happiness into an imaginary future, hoping that someday, when I have that job, that house, that car, that success, I will be happy. I have learned to find happiness in the small pleasures of life, and I embrace the only reality that is, the present moment, with gratitude and much joy.
I stopped waiting for the weekends to feel like living because each day is a gift and every single moment is precious and equally important.
The day I shifted my focus from stressed to blessed, everything changed. I am thankful for everything I am and for everything I have: a healthy body and mind; a loving family; a few genuine, long-lasting friendships I’ve made over time; and a job I love and believe in.
“I have noticed that the universe loves gratitude. The more grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” ~Louise Hay
9. I’ve let go of worrying about the future.
I accept that there are things in life that I cannot control, no matter how hard I might try. Each time I find myself worrying, I keep telling myself “Time will tell.”
I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I trust the flow of life, and choose to believe we live in an intelligent universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie
10. I’ve let go of pleasing others.
I no longer seek external validation so that I can feel liked or accepted. Worrying about what others think is a waste of time. Other people’s opinion of me is all about them and what they see in me, filtered through their lenses; it has zero to do with me.
I’ve stopped expecting others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. Loving myself as a whole—body, mind, and soul—is not selfish. I keep my cup full of self-love, and I take good care of my needs and my heart’s desires.
I have learned how to make powerful choices for my highest good without worrying about disappointing people. People disappoint themselves by setting expectations for who they want me to be or what they want me to do.
Saying no to things we don’t want to do is a learned practice and a sign of self-care. If it sounds like a “should,” I don’t do it. I go for the things that feel like a want. My wants come from myself, instead of being imposed on me by others. I always choose how I am spending my precious time and with whom. I know my time is my life, and it’s never coming back.
My life is about me and I have the right to make my own choices. Life is to be lived, not existed, and I choose to live it authentically, with no apologies and no regrets.
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
—
My self-transformation into the mindful person I am today didn’t happen overnight. It’s been an ongoing process that required continuous inner work.
Today, I am still a student at School of Life, and every day is a great opportunity for new learning. I know that I have the power to create my own reality, by the way I think. So I make sure I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, knowing my mind has power.
And now, I would like to hear from you. Are you holding on to any of these things? What’s preventing you from letting them go?
About Sara Fabian
Sara Fabian is a Women’s Empowerment Coach who helps modern, professional women grow their confidence and get loved, wealthy, and successful by rising into their feminine power. She is a trainer, writer, and Certified Professional Co-Active Coach with the renowned Coaching Training Institute, and a mother, a wife, and a lover of cultures. For a confidence boost and weekly inspiration, sign up for her free newsletter or join her free private Facebook group, Women Who Rise.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
You may as well have described my life ..it took being diagnosed with cancer for me to recognize all of these in me – and I have let it all go and it has made me so much happier
Loved the article. The first two nailed it for me. In the quest to “have an impact” its always a goal to create epic work. But when is that ever enough? I kept finding myself always saying i need to improve rather than appreciating the small wins in life. This is great and all, but if we don’t ever appreciate the little things, how can we appreciate the big things? The acceptance of other compliments and that self-criticism does me no good. Awesome work! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for your comment, Kyle. I hear you and fully empathize. I spent years hunting for the big things to happen, so I could be happy. Thinking that “someday, when I do, get or achieve that, I will be happy!” When, in fact, happiness was all available to me in every small win in life. I just couldn’t see that yet. Every single morning is epic, isn’t it? A perfect, brand new day, inviting us to enjoy the small, simple pleasures of life. Let us acknowledge ourselves for the work we do; aim for progress instead of perfection. Take care!
Thank you for sharing this, Minhazz. I was recently listening to Dr. Christiane Northrup, saying that “cancer is an expression of our personal need for growth.” Louise Hay’s work is fantastic for cancer healing and generally for dealing with any kind of illnesses – I recommend her meditations for health and wellbeing as well, you can find those on the YouTube. Best wishes, be well!
Sara, thank you for this article. I am turning 60 tomorrow and have been spending a lot of time being reflective and working towards peace and harmony. I have achieved happiness, as my spirit is always happy. I cannot begin to mention each and every helpful item that is in your article. Just know that I have shared your words with all who are closest to me, and I thank you once again!
Thank you Sara. 🙂 this article just made my day. One of those “exactly what I needed to read” moments.
Great article, Sara, thank you for sharing your insights! As I was reading, one overwhelming thought I kept having is that I struggle with the fear of letting go of the controlling thoughts I have over my life and future. I think I’m in control of what people think of me, of how my future will turn out but I’m not. I have to accept what is and what will be, and the only thing I can control is my own thoughts and actions, so that is what I have to focus on. I guess it is changing the focus of my control! 🙂
Very thorough and succinct. Some really powerful mental issues here. If I recognize these issues in another, does that mean I am aware of it in me still? ..and it still needs to heal as well? Does how I respond to expressions of these issues, indicatory of that level of awareness within me? I know this sounds so basic, but that is where some of us are..and still growing.
Thank you for this amazing article Sara. I am on this journey myself. Still working on #1, 3, 8 and 10. Somedays the journey is more challenging than others but I definitely continue and persevere. This was definitely “the right article at the right moment.” Blessings.
The me I am today is an exact mirror of the you at the beginning of this article. I feel like God or the Universe sent me this at just the right time because it’s like this is everything I need to realize and internalize.
Sara thank you for this article. You have laid out everything I’ve been working on for the last four years. So instead of all this jumbled up info floating around my head. You have organized it and made perfect sense of it all. Thanks for helping me to sort out my mind! Great great wisdom here!
Thank you Sara for this amazing article. It has made me see my life in a different perspective 🙂
“aim for progress instead of perfection” OMG
Thank you, Boranya. You’re so right, it’s all about perspective and what we make things mean to us (including our perspective on life). You comment reminds me of another quote: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Have a bright day!
Thank you so much, Matthew. I’m glad it resonates. Light and blessings!
Thank you for sharing this, Laura. I also believe the Universe works through people and sends us exactly what we need, whenever we need it – including the information we need to hear and process. Same thing happened years ago, when I first jumped into Louise Hay’s “You can heal your life.” It was exactly what I needed at the time. All the best!
Thank you, Adrijana. I am totally with you on this one and I can feel I still have some work to do on no.1 (perfection), to be honest. That’s a tough one, after spending decades aiming to “improve myself” or get into “the best version of myself.” So I’ve decided to feel enough as I am, here and now, embracing my humanity and my mistakes as much needed pearls of wisdom. And that was freedom. Be blessed!
Thank you for your comment, Melanie! One thing that helped me a lot to stop worrying over my future is an instrument I’ve learned in coaching school: curiosity. Once I started to see the world with the genuine interest of a child, every single morning turned into a blessing, a new opportunity for me to discover new things and embrace new experiences. I did this for a while consistently, like an exercise, telling myself every single morning things like “oh, I’m so curious to see what life has to offer today!” It helped a lot to shift my focus to the only reality that is. You might have heard of this quote as well, I love it: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that’s why we call it present.” So let us enjoy a new, magical day in our lives today! Blessings!
Hi Dave, I’m glad it resonated with you. By the way, I love the picture linked to your profile, so beautiful and warm-hearted! Best wishes!
Dear Theresa, big happy birthday! So you’re turning 60! – what a beautiful age for new beginnings! I’m going to celebrate that with you from the distance. I’m glad you liked my post and thank you for sharing it with your dear ones. Love and blessings!
Hi Harriet, thank you for your comment. Your question is not basic at all, let us stay away from judging or labeling it any way. It’s a beautiful question that comes from your curiosity to learn, that’s how I choose to see it. And yes, you’re spot on! Anything we see in other people, we have in ourselves. Carl Jung called it “the mirroring effect”: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” The same thing is valid for the things we like and appreciate in other people. If I say someone is kind or unkind, it also means I can be both kind or mean with different people, in different circumstances. To me, this is an ongoing exercise. I am aware that everything I admire in other people I have in myself. And everything I dislike in others I also have in me. And when I see that, I do the work to change what I don’t like in myself. Thank you again for this discussion, Harriet! Have a great day!
Doing nothing scares the hell outta me–going to check out that article later!
I really needed to hear the part about letting go of perfect though.
Thankyou so much Sara for this amazing article! How beautifully you have explained ! Loved each and every line. I am 25 and to tell you the truth i have been doing exactly opposite to what you have mentioned. I am scared to say “NO” thinking people will get hurt, worry a lot about what others think of me, expect love care and attention from others ,blame others (especially parents).
M going to read your article each and every day so that i ll be able to absorb each and every point of self transformation and self healing !
Once again Sara a big thank you! Sending you lots of love ! This is exactly what i needed .I feel blessed! Love !!
Hi Linda, thank you for your comment. In a world that transformed us in “human doings,” always running somewhere and keeping ourselves busy with stuff, doing nothing feels scary. What helped me overcome this was this shift in perception: as long as doing nothing comes as a choice, doing nothing is an action!:) Have a good day!
Thank you for you sharing, Aanchal! I know that’s an ongoing job and requires some inner work, because society norms have shaped us with lots of limiting beliefs that do not serve us feel. I also know you can make it! Light and blessings!
Thank you, Sara, this is lovely. It’s wonderful how much wisdom comes with time and openness. I’m trying also to let go of the need for external praise. Better to feel contented from within.
Thank you for your comment. Very true. When we expect praise from other people, we become their prisoners. Light and blessings!
I have let go and learned a few of the lessons you speak of. Just reading the 10 you have presented has inspired me to grow and continue on a similar path to be more happy and free. Thank you for the inspiration.
Wow…this article is definitely speaking to me. I’ve been a silent reader on tinybuddha but this article brought me out of ghost mode. I’ve been working to let go on almost everything you mentioned. Thank you Sara, this article was just what I needed.
Inspiring but tough… As I was reading through the article I wondered if I’ll be able to ever *really* let go of all of these… But every small step counts, right?
It is hard to just “let go” of some of these things. Even I declare that I have given up on perfection or worrying about the future but then I still do it unconsciously. I really wish I could just be mindful and live in the present moment right now but it’s really hard. Some advice on HOW to do this would be helpful. 🙂
What a brilliant article…and I loved the quote by Byron Katie, about liking change…that really resonated with me. So many points here, and it all ultimately points to the mirror that you cannot see that is in front of you, reflecting your beliefs, values, dreams and your soul.
Thank for posting. I wlll certainly bookmark this, as I think this is a great reference.
Thank you for your comment, Julian. I’m glad it resonates. Have a great week!
Thank you for sharing this, Melanie. Perfection and letting go of worrying about the future are tough ones, I agree. It takes some inner-work to do, but it’s possible. HOW to do that would require new posts for me to write, as there’s a lot we can do. But shortly, I can share what worked for me:
Perfection: aim for progress instead of perfection and always do the best you know and the best you can.
Worrying about the future: know that whatever you might be fearing, it hasn’t happened yet! That’s what makes your fear or concerns unreal (illusions created by the mind). Look at the future with the genuine curiosity of a child waiting for a brand new day to come and see what happens. Blessings!
That’s right, Antoniya! Let us aim for progress, not for perfection. It all requires some inner work, but it is possible. I still have some work to do on perfection, to be honest. Never stop learning. But every small step is equally important, let’s celebrate that! All the best!
Glad to know you find value in this post and happy to see you’re out of the ghost mode. Your voice is important. Light and blessings!
Thank you, Tony. I’m glad it resonated with you. Blessings!
It feels like I’m facing a mountain of things to deal with because i need to read this every single day, all of this is exactly what i need to work on, but I’m such a self saboteur, I can barely bring myself to meditate despite knowing all the benefits, I can’t focus enough to read any more, i feel like ive been well and truly pulled into the digital depression and my poor soul is sinking. I KNOW I have to put all of this into practise to feel better, but the actually doing it… I suppose every journey starts with a single step though…
Thanks…you too;-)
This article has changed my perspective of looking at things in my life. I know now how can i find peace in my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
Thank you Sara this was super helpful. I am a doer … a fixer trying to make ‘wrongs’ right. Not just for me but for my loved ones and strangers even. It seems like a compulsion perhaps a hang over from my nursing/midwife career.
I’m trying to back off doing this now realizing I have a tender heart but I need to let others sort themselves out and not be part of their solution. My mental and physical capacity for doing is much reduced since I was made disabled and treated with disrespect by the woman who collided with my car and through the court procedure of evidence collection.
I fall apart during stressful events and cry and cry. Antidepressants haven’t helped.
Please how can I change my minds perception of being in danger I guess. Time hadn’t helped it’s 10 year anniversary this year.
There are serious events that I need to cope with but I either cry or avoid.
I’ve done lots of reading self help articles … I’m grateful … I’m mindful … I’m present and I meditate but come a stressful event and I’m flooding with tears. (Our youngest son has recently been hospitalized and diagnosed with schizophrenia and his voices may tell him to suicide). He’s home now but each morning I wake not knowing if he’s alive or has overdosed during the night. I have therapy but somehow felt you’d understand more. I have had several significant responsibilities and my husband has had cancer in thepay twoyears also. Sorry for the long long post. susee21@hotmsil.com.au
Hello, I can hear you. It sounds overwhelming with so much to do. Here’s what I suggest: instead of perceiving these things as a “should” (I need to do / have to /should do this), change the verb and make it sound like a wish, something you want to do as a form of self-care. Like “I want /wish to work on these things because it’s good for my soul.” When we act from a place of a “want” instead of a “should”, we get power. Blessings!
I’m glad it helped, Manish. Our heart is always a peaceful place, we only disturb it with our busy minds. Blessings!
Thank you for your insights, Joel. I enjoyed reading your article. It made me recall a quote of Wayne Dyer I love: “You can’t feel lonely when you like the person you’re alone with.” Best wishes to you and your family!
Thank you for this amazing article. I’ve been working on exactly this for the last 5 years and my life has changed 360 degrees. I am so grateful to also be ” A student of life”. What a different world this would be if everyone learned this ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for your comment. Blessings!
Thank you Sara. To you and yours as well
This is the most comprehensive article on life I have ever read. It is so right on and affirming!
I printed it out so I may reference it when I feel confused or negative. Thank you Sara for this gift.
OMG,
It is as if it is my life questions you have answered. this article is AMAZING. i am going to put this in practice because i so need help
Mo
I’m glad it helps, Mo. Light, love and blessings!