Tiny Buddha

Author: Vishnu

  • How to Rebuild Your Self-Worth After Your Breakup

    How to Rebuild Your Self-Worth After Your Breakup

    “Self-love, self-respect, self-worth: There’s a reason they all start with ‘self.’ You can’t find them in anyone else.” ~Unknown

    After my divorce, I felt like I was the most terrible person in the world.

    I had zero self-worth, zero confidence, and zero belief in myself

    If you’re going through a breakup or divorce now, your self-worth may suffer too. You might feel worthless. You might feel value-less. You might feel like a failure.

    Think about it. The person who loved you, who wanted you, who fell in love with you is now rejecting you.

    If you’ve been together for a couple years, you may take this hard. If you have been together for a couple decades, you may feel absolutely devastated.

    They wanted you before and you felt complete. They rejected you now, so you must be a terrible person.

    I’ve discovered that it’s not our partners who crushed our self-worth and self-esteem. Mine was already pretty low.

    If you came from an abusive family or had a painful childhood, your self-esteem was likely already at rock bottom.

    All this relationship did was bring the issue of self-worth to the surface. You now believe all the terrible things you used to tell yourself.

    Your former partner has confirmed the sneaking suspicion of all the things that you thought about yourself. Their breaking up with you has confirmed to you that you’re useless, unattractive, flawed, and an all-around bad person to be around.

    Not only did your former partner disappear from your life, but now all you have is yourself and these terrible feelings about yourself.

    You lost your ex and gained yourself, except the person you gained is this terrible person that was rejected by the person they loved. It’s a sad and destructive cycle. Your inside world is burning and your outside world is up in smokes!

    I know this all too well because this was how I found myself after my divorce.

    All of these strong feelings about yourself will make you want to stay in bed. They will make you want to give up on the world.

    Your partner thinks you’re horrible and you do too. Why even live? Suicide didn’t cross my mind, but I sometimes wanted to disappear from the world.

    If you’re going through heartbreak right now, here’s what it’s going to take to repair your relationship with yourself and rebuild your self-worth so you can become a more confident, happier version of yourself.

    9 Steps to Rebuild Your Self-Worth After Your Breakup

    1. Accept where you’re at.

    After my divorce, I realized that my self-worth had taken a major hit and that I had been harboring all these feelings toward myself for a very long time.

    The first step is self-awareness. Acknowledge, accept, and notice the feelings of low self-worth within yourself. No judgment, okay? You don’t have to dislike yourself and dislike the fact that you dislike yourself. Just accept your feelings toward yourself for what they are.

    2. Start noticing how you talk to yourself about yourself.

    Your mind is constantly talking to you and saying negative things about you, fueling your low self-worth. Your job is to find a strategy to deal with your mind. Use mindfulness, journaling, observation, or even therapy to get an accurate picture of the thoughts you’re thinking about yourself. Awareness is the key to turning your thoughts and feelings about yourself around.

    3. Think of yourself like a child that you love.

    Imagine you are a parent who is speaking to this frightened child who is feeling terrible about themselves. What would this parent say? How would they comfort this tiny person? How would this parent speak to, treat, and help this helpless person who is struggling with loving themselves?

    Start treating yourself as your own loving parent. Whatever the parent would say to the child, say to yourself. Whatever the person would do for the child, do for yourself.

    4. Use affirmations, encouragement, and positive self-talk.

    You may never have done anything like this in your life, but it’s a great way to reprogram your mind.

    I did this practice for a couple years almost every other day, using affirmations that affirmed my worthiness and my value. I wrote things like:

    • “I am worthy.”
    • “I am enough.”
    • “I am complete.”
    • “I love myself.”
    • “I value myself/”
    • “I have everything I need within me.”
    • “I love myself even if no one else loves me.”

    These statements may sound weird and unnatural, but I’m telling you that they work. People have been telling you the opposite your entire life. Now you have to reprogram your mind and the thoughts you have about yourself.

    5. Use visualization to help you see what’s possible.

    Start imagining what it would feel like if you believed in yourself, accepted yourself, and had confidence in yourself. How would you act, react, and feel if you felt good about yourself?

    Imagine and see what positive self-worth looks like. Look for people who have healthy self-worth and use them as an example. Think about people who are close to you, that treat you well. How they treat you is how you want to ultimately treat yourself. Start closing your eyes and feeling what having high self-worth would look like.

    6. Start acknowledging the inherent qualities you have within yourself.

    All the good things in yourself that you’ve discounted and ignored, start taking note of them.

    When I was first trying to build my self-worth, I would wake up and think about all my good characteristics and virtues. I would say things like, “I’m thankful that I’m using my gift of writing to help other people,” I’m glad that I’m using my gift of compassion to be service to others,” “I’m glad that as an uncle I can bring happiness to the little people in my life.” I noted and recognized every positive quality, little and big .

    7. Start making improvements in your life to change your quality of life.

    Like that parent who treats their kid well, you’re going to treat yourself well. Whatever that means to you, do that.

    For me, this meant getting out of the conflict-ridden legal field to work in NGO with the community. It meant world travel. It meant becoming a coach. It meant getting plenty of sleep. It meant minimizing my life so I wouldn’t have so much stress in it. I continually did things to improve the quality of my life because I was with someone I was starting to fall in love with—me.

    8. Exit from everything that is harmful to you.

    Thoughts, media, friends, family, and anything else that was negative, I stepped away from. If it didn’t make me feel good about myself, I didn’t go near it.

    I know it’s better to process and work through the things that distress us, but as I was trying to rebuild my self-worth, none of that mattered. I was going to solely focus on having positivity in my life and ruthlessly cutting out everything that was harmful, dangerous, or self-sabotaging. This included relationships, activities, media sources, movies, reading materials, advertising, and everything else that didn’t serve me.

    9. Becoming comfortable with yourself.

    When the negative chatter, self-sabotaging relationships, and damaging people in your life all get out of the way, you’ll have the time and space to learn about who you are. This is the process of finding yourself and getting to like this person that’s underneath it all. Meet this person, discover their likes and dislikes, and be curious about them just like you would with someone you’re interested in.

    —

    None of these things are one-time things, or just for you to read today and go back to the rest of your life.

    If you’re serious about your relationship with yourself, you have to commit to it. You have to keep showing up for yourself. You have to ritualize and habitualize all the practices I’ve shared.

    I learned how to improve the relationship with myself and it improved every aspect of my life.

    Now, I’m thankful to my ex for helping me put a spotlight on my self-worth. I have done so much work to heal the self-sabotaging parts of myself.

    You too can use the pain of heartbreak to rebuild your self-worth after your breakup and become the most whole, complete, and happy version of yourself.

  • How to Stop Punishing Yourself for Your Breakup

    How to Stop Punishing Yourself for Your Breakup

    “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

    After you come out a meaningful relationship that you didn’t foresee ending, you begin to think about everything you did wrong.

    If you were not the one who wanted to the breakup, you may spend a lot of time blaming yourself and wondering about what you could have done differently.

    You might begin to believe you’re solely responsible for what went down and that you deserve to spend years in relationship purgatory by yourself, mourning the loss of the person you loved.

    You might take all the responsibility and blame as you spend months and years alone.

    You may tell yourself terrible things about yourself and what a monster you were in the relationship.

    Then you’ll probably feel guilty about everything you did and assume that the relationship ended only because of you.

    And you may feel ashamed, unworthy, and unlovable because the other person was so good and you weren’t.

    This kind of unhealthy thinking puts all the blame on you and removes all responsibility from your ex.

    Your ex moves on and maybe even finds love soon after, while you spend an inordinate amount of time reflecting, hurting, and punishing yourself for what you did.

    These are all things I experienced when my marriage ended.

    I was such a mess after the marriage, carrying a big brunt of the responsibility, blame, and guilt.

    I felt like I had committed a crime against my ex for how badly I’d treated her, how intensely we’d fought, and how dramatically the relationship had unraveled at the end.

    If I had been better, wiser, kinder, and more giving, I believed, we could have stayed together.

    These feelings and thoughts kept me hiding for years, replaying the events of the past. I mentally attacked myself and felt bad about myself for years afterward.

    I stayed home, locked myself up, and suffered silently, believing that no one would ever want me again and I was unworthy of loving or being loved.

    I didn’t think there was something wrong with her, the relationship, or both of us. I took the sole responsibility for everything that went wrong. I put all the blame squarely on myself.

    Everything I did, I magnified in my mind and scolded myself for. Everything she did, I excused, justified, or found ways to blame myself for.

    I later realized this was all a figment of my imagination, these self-harming thoughts. Sure, I had played a large role in the way this relationship had ended, but I wasn’t solely at fault.

    If you’re blaming yourself for everything and feeling guilty about a relationship gone wrong, I want to remind you of the following seven things so you can stop punishing yourself for the past.

    7 Ways to Stop Punishing Yourself for Your Breakup

    1. You were doing the best you could.

    If you knew better, you would have done better.

    You were acting on the tools you had at the time. You likely were not intentionally or purposefully sabotaging the relationship or your partner.

    We each do our best under the circumstances we’re in.

    If you had the ability to be more understanding, less critical, or more forgiving, you would have done that, but you couldn’t have at the time.

    At one point in my life, I thought that feelings were terrible, so I wasn’t willing to open up about how I felt about things with my ex. I thought stonewalling and shutting down were more effective at resolving issues than talking them out (trust me, they’re not).

    I also thought it was effective to threaten a breakup when things weren’t going right or casually suggest a divorce in the middle of an argument (it wasn’t).

    This wasn’t right or fair but it was the place that I was at in my life. If I had known a better way, I would have done that. If I had the skills to communicate better, I would have used them.

    You and I grow, develop, and improve as people and partners over time.

    The good news is that partner you were yesterday doesn’t have to be the partner you are in the future. I’m not the person of yesterday, and I am thankful for that.

    You can be better the next time around.

    2. You are not solely responsible for what happened.

    Remember, there are two people in a relationship. You did your part and your ex did theirs.

    You can’t take the blame and responsibility for both of you.

    It takes two people to dance, two people to make a relationship work, and two people to make a relationship come to an end.

    You may put your ex in a completely positive light and view all your actions with negativity and judgment. Try to see the situation more objectively. Give credit and blame equally to both of you. You and your ex contributed positively and negatively to the relationship.

    You can’t take 100% of the responsibility when you were only 50% of the partnership.

    3. You deserve the same forgiveness you’ve given to your ex.

    You deserved to give yourself as much of a break as you gave your former partner, if not more.

    You’ve likely been unusually harsh and critical of yourself, absorbing all the blame for what went wrong.

    You may be used to being hard on yourself because loved ones were hard on you when you were growing up, but instead of harshness and blame, choose compassion.

    You may have done things without knowing, unintentionally, and without trying to hurt your ex.

    You are a human, growing and making mistakes like all people do.

    Your past errors do not have to be life-long regrets.

    You can use the things that you did unconsciously as learning and growing tools to become a better version of yourself.

    4. Get more curious about what happened.

    Instead of blaming yourself, get curious about the experience you had with your ex and identify the root cause of what happened.

    I began to get curious about my upbringing, my past wounds, and why I showed up in the relationship the way I had.

    I gave myself a break when I got more curious about how I became the person I was in that relationship and why I behaved and communicated the way I did. Instead of blaming, I got help through counselors and friends to understand myself more.

    Become a student of your pain, suffering, and blame so you become wiser about yourself.

    You can’t do anything about the breakup, but in the aftermath, you can do the work to understand why you showed up how you did so you can do better in the future.

    You can find self-awareness and wisdom in the past. .

    5. Release comparisons and judgments.

    We’re taught from a young age to compare ourselves to others and to judge ourselves. These self-sabotaging habits are especially hurtful after a painful breakup.

    Comparing your life to your ex’s life and comparing yourself to friends who are in relationships won’t help you move on.

    Neither will judging yourself and putting yourself down for what happened in the relationship.

    Instead of comparing yourself to others, think of this as a path of growth.

    Compare yourself to yourself. Observe how you’re stronger, wiser, and smarter about relationships today than when you were in your past relationship.

    Also, flip self-judgment into gratitude. Instead of judging yourself harshly, be thankful for your development. Be thankful for the experiences that helped you evolve as a person and a partner.

    6. Affirm your worthiness for being who you are.

    You’re feeling as badly as you are about the previous relationship because it’s opening up wounds about your own worthiness.

    Instead of beating yourself up, can you cultivate and reaffirm your self-worth? Can you remind yourself that you’re more than your relationship and what happened with your ex?

    Regardless of what happened between the two of you, you are worthy for just being yourself.

    If you don’t believe that, then maybe your relationship was an opportunity to recognize the feelings of unworthiness you had before it even started.

    Once you see the wounds more clearly, you can begin working on them.

    You can remind yourself that you’ve brought so much good into the world, have been helpful to many people in your life, and you likely exude compassion and kindness to many.

    Remind yourself that you are more than the narrow shoebox of being a partner in a relationship.

    7. Take credit for the good that came out of this relationship.

    No, it wasn’t all perfect, and there are some things you can take responsibility for in your past relationship, but what can you take credit for?

    If you blame yourself for all the bad things, don’t you also have to take some credit for the good things that happened?

    What positives came out of this relationship?

    How did you grow as a person in your past relationship?

    How did you mature and become a better version of yourself?

    In my relationship, one positive thing that happened was that we both helped each other achieve our professional goals and advance in our careers. We also both recognized self-sabotaging patterns and behavior and went on to work on ourselves.

    Through our partnership, we exposed each other’s wounds, which enabled us to do the work to heal them. We could now show up better for ourselves, our loved ones, and future partners with more self-awareness and understanding.

    You too deserve just as much credit as the blame you’re assigning yourself.

    Reflect on the high roads you took in the relationship and, after it ended, the good you did. Think about how much both of your lives have improved, if they have, and whether you both came out as wiser, kinder, more open people.

    —

    You don’t have to punish yourself for the rest of your life and take all the blame for what happened. You don’t have to go about filled with guilt and shame for what you did to your ex.

    If you can see that you were doing the best you could, look at the many good things came out of the relationship, and see your past as an opportunity to grow, you’ll be able to release the heavy weight of your past and move forward with a wiser and more open heart.

  • The Top 7 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

    The Top 7 Reasons We Stay in Bad Relationships

    “Some of us think that holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

    She knew it sooner than I did. And more intensely than I did.

    I, on the other hand, may have considered our differences but never thought of them as deal-breakers. I tried to justify the many struggles we had between us and believed that our marriage could work despite the challenges.

    I had this feeling things would get better and stayed hopeful no matter how bad our relationship got.

    I told myself that her extraverted personality and my more introversion could work together. And that her more social and outgoing nature and my more private and homebound inclinations were just minor differences.

    I believed it was both of us trying to settle into our professional careers that led to our conflicts. Or maybe, it was moving away from California so she could complete her professional training that put pressure on our relationship. Or it was because we didn’t have a support system that we weren’t getting along.

    In retrospect, if I’m being completely objective, I can see there were problems.

    There were fights and disagreements that would have landed us on a reality TV show.

    There were days of not talking and threats of leaving regularly.

    There were instances where we ignored each other’s feelings and preferences in our life goals. There was a lack of understanding and compassion for each other.

    Yet, we stayed together for years, and even after our separation, I still didn’t want this relationship to end.

    Even after our divorce, I was hopeful.

    Was this the optimist in me?

    Was I being delusional?

    Are you too wondering why you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t working and bad for your spirit?

    You may feel the dysfunction on a daily basis and feel frustrated with the constant fights and disagreements.

    Are you wondering why you’re having trouble letting go when the person you’re with isn’t the right person for you? Are you wondering why you’re stuck in dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship? And even worse, not doing anything about it?

    Here are top seven reasons we stay in bad relationships.

    1. We have grown accustomed to people who treat us badly.

    Those of us who grew up in abusive or hurtful households feel used to complicated love.

    We begin to believe that people who hurt us are the ones who truly love us.

    We have learned that it’s okay to be treated poorly, to not have boundaries, and to feel hurt by other people’s behavior.

    Others have taught us that it’s acceptable to accept abuse and dysfunction. We not only can tolerate it but have to come to view this is as normal.

    2. We prefer bad relationships over the unknown.

    This is the biggest reason most of us stay in dysfunctional, hurtful relationships.

    We may despise the person and the relationship, but we hate uncertainty and change more.

    Our brains are simply not wired for changed circumstances.

    We would suffer any amount of pain to avoid dealing with the unknown in the future.

    3. We prefer a bad relationship over being alone.

    We can’t stand being alone.

    We can’t imagine a life by ourselves.

    We see ourselves with cats, other lonely people, and silent walks in the park.

    We hear silence, see no one, and feel like disappearing from earth altogether.

    The alternative we imagine of being without someone feels hopeless and scary.

    4. We don’t value ourselves.

    We have a low sense of self-worth and don’t believe in ourselves.

    When we find people who tear us down and bring us down, we take comfort in their behavior because it confirms our beliefs about ourselves.

    We are open to people treating us badly because we are used to treating ourselves badly by talking down to ourselves, criticizing ourselves, and hurting ourselves.

    We don’t believe we are worth the time and attention of someone kinder and more compassionate toward us. We may even fear being treated well because we don’t trust that we deserve it or that it will last.

    5. We feel rejected, dejected, inspected, and tossed to the sharks.

    Ending a relationship, no matter how good or bad it was, makes us feel unwanted.

    It hits at our self-esteem and self-worth.

    It makes us feel unwanted and unworthy.

    Many of us felt unwanted or abandoned in our childhood, and ending a relationship in adulthood brings all our old feelings to the surface.

    We’d rather stay with someone than fall into a sinkhole of unworthiness, never knowing if we can pick up your self-esteem again.

    6. We feel out of place and out of sorts.

    We don’t know what our place or role in the world is anymore.

    We are no longer the husband, wife, partner of so and so.

    We lose half of our family and friends, our ex’s family and friends.

    We don’t know what to say to people at dinner parties, work, or any other social situation.

    Our society tends to put an emphasis on couples, so without a partnership we become lost and on the outside of everyday life.

    We become talked about, and our relationship status seems to be at the center of attention.

    7. We don’t believe there’s anyone else out there for us.

    A big part of why we’d rather stay together is that we doubt we could ever find someone nearly as compatible again.

    How do we know we can date again? How do we know someone else will find us attractive again? How do we know if love will strike again in the future?

    Instead of uncertainty of a day that may never come and a love that may never bloom, we choose to stay with the person we’ve already found.

    —

    Instead of hanging on to a relationship that is bad for your heart and soul, consider the possibility of moving on, grieving, and letting go of this relationship that isn’t working.

    Trust your gut, know that this relationship isn’t right, and act on your inner knowing.

    Look at the relationship objectively, as I wish I did sooner, and make the decision to walk away before things get any worse. As much as you would like it to get better, if neither of you are working on the relationship, or if you’re just not right for each other, it will not improve.

    Know that brighter days are ahead if you release this person and the unhealthy relationship from your life. You can get through this breakup, as you’ve likely done many times in your life, and can move on from this relationship.

    Brighter days mean being alone sometimes; it means finding peace; it means getting to know yourself and eventually finding yourself in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

    So many people have gone through heartbreak, have lost that one special person, and have gone on to find the right one.

    Uncertainty after ending a bad relationship is uncomfortable but better than the comfort of dysfunction.

    Letting go and ending this relationship is risky, but with great risk come life’s greatest rewards.

    One day of peace and comfort by yourself is worth a thousand days being in a relationship that is suffocating and dysfunctional.

    Instead of showering love on someone who can’t reciprocate, consider giving yourself that love.

    Open your heart to yourself, speak gently to yourself, do nice things for yourself, make your life comfortable and relaxed.

    Cultivate an inner sanctuary of silence, compassion, peace, and acceptance of yourself, perhaps through yoga, meditation, or spending time in nature, or by seeing a therapist to work through the core wounds from your childhood.

    Work on spiritual practices that help you accept yourself for who you are and be comfortable in your own body without needing to be with someone. This could include breath work, affirmations, journaling, or even some form or art.

    Finally, remember, your ex has helped you grow and lead you to the place you are today, but it’s not healthy to keep them in your journey to the end.

    Letting go of your ex allows you to pick up the journey on your own for a bit so you can grow stronger and be better prepared for healthy, happy relationships in the future.

    After your own solo travels, you can find another love that will help you grow as a person and further reach your potential as a human being. Or will allow you to discover who you are so you can live an honest and authentic life, which will lead you to rich experiences, spiritual growth, and deeper friendships.

    Losing this unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean your world has ended and there will never be someone out there again for you.

    Ending this relationship will open the realm of possibilities for authentic relationships, healthy love, and true happiness.

  • How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has

    How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has

    “Like a sandcastle, all is temporary. Build it, tend it, enjoy it. And when the time comes, let it go.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I picked up the butter cookies and a small postcard-sized painting I had brought for her.

    I took the third-floor hotel elevator down.

    Closing my eyes, I took several deep breaths.

    The elevator ride was less than five seconds, but our time spent apart was five years.

    Five years after the divorce I had flown up to see her again.

    I’m not sure what led to this meeting. We had emailed each other a couple times out of the blue, and before you know it, we were meeting.

    It could have been our final goodbye, the closure we needed. Or maybe even in the back of my mind, it was the new beginning that I’d secretly imagined.

    I don’t know. I walked out to see her after a five-year hiatus. In our memories were the international long-distance romance we had, the difficult marriage we had endured, and the painful divorce we had gone through together.

    When we initially parted ways, she was still pursuing her education and getting adjusted to life in America.

    Yet, today she was different. She spoke of her new travels, new experiences, new house, and new job.

    She talked about the ups and downs of the different relationships in her life.

    Close friends, social events, and the search for the “one”—her “one”—were her focus.

    As we spent the day together, a startling but simple realization came over me.

    She had moved on.

    Life was on the up and up. She seemed to have let go of everything we had shared.

    She was a bird that was soaring, while I felt like a bird that hadn’t gone very far from the same branch I was still sitting on.

    She seemed to have moved on like our past had never happened. I was holding on like it was still happening.

    I realized it was way past time to completely let go of what we had shared.

    She had moved on, and I need to finally move on as well.

    If your ex has already moved on, perhaps my lessons will help you do the same.

    Shift your perspective on the relationship.

    Whatever story you’re telling yourself about the relationship, you need to retell it. You may be holding onto the sad and tragic version. You were left behind as the victim, as your ex was the heartbreaker who didn’t give the relationship a chance.

    Shift the story to the one that is the most empowering for you. How about a story of how you both gave it your best? You fought, you loved, you laughed, and you cried. You tried over and over when things didn’t seem to work. You fought, forgave, broke up, got back together, and finally called it off for good.

    You both gave it your all but it didn’t work out. It wasn’t for lack of trying. It was you coming to the conclusion that you were different people, both good people, who were incompatible for each other. You both helped each other grow and become better versions of yourself.

    The more you can flip your perspective on your ex and the relationship, the easier it will be to move on.

    Release blame, anger, and resentment once and for all.

    If you haven’t completely let go of the relationship, you may still be holding on to instances of on injustices by your ex. You may still be feeling betrayed, hurt, or angry about something your ex did.

    Until you can let go of these feelings of resentment on anger, you’re not going to be able to let go or move on.

    You’re not going to lose anything by releasing these feelings, but you will gain your peace of mind and freedom.

    Let go for yourself.

    Even if your ex was entirely at fault and deserves the worst kind of karma, you’re not going to get caught up on it. You are not the universe’s policeman.

    Your ex is human and made mistakes. You’re going to release the resentment and anger and forgive your ex for what they did.

    If you made mistakes, you have to be willing to forgive those too.

    When you don’t forgive your ex or yourself, it keeps the past injustices and pain still burning like it happened today.

    Forgive for yourself. Forgive for your peace of mind.

    Thank your ex for how far they brought you forward in your life.

    Instead of focusing of how much better off your ex is doing or how you’re falling behind, while they are moving ahead, reflect on how far you’ve come yourself.

    While our marriage was difficult and our divorce was soul-crushing, honestly, I grew so much from this relationship. I had so many insights about myself, made drastic life changes, and became an entirely new person.

    You can either compare and mourn or thank your ex and appreciate how far they’ve brought you along.

    You might not have welcomed the pain, but it’s likely made you into a newer and improved version of yourself.

    Remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

    Yes, when you’re comparing yourself to your ex, you might feel bad about yourself and like you’re stuck, but it’s not wise to compare yourself to someone else. If you feel a need to compare, then compare yourself to where you were before.

    In my case, I was stuck in dysfunctional relationship patterns, I was carrying around a lot of emotional baggage, and I was stuck in a soul-crushing career.

    Regardless of where she’s at today, enough therapy and learning has helped me become a new person. I have many more tools to navigate life, and I’m doing work that sometimes doesn’t even feel like work.

    I’m living more in line with my values today and have the freedom to pursue my creativity and writing.

    You don’t have to be soaring like your ex.

    Just remember that you’re not stuck crawling like you were in the past.

    Remind yourself that today is the only thing you can do something about.

    You cannot change the past, the relationship, or your ex.

    You cannot go back and un-do your mistakes or do something different.

    There’s no point in wallowing in regret, past disappointments, and failures that you can’t do anything about.

    Focus on what you can control—the changes you make today.

    You can become the person you’re capable of becoming today.

    You can create the life you want today.

    Keep bringing yourself to the moment you can do something about: the present moment. In this moment, you can shift your perspective. You can make different choices. You can create the life you want.

    Live less in the futile past and more in the hopefulness of today.

    See the uncertainty in your life as an adventure.

    The most difficult part of my marriage ending was the uncertainty of my life.

    See, when you’re married or in a relationship, you have a location. The world identifies you in a certain way. You know who you’re spending your weekends with or who you have to plan the holidays with. You know who you list in the relationship column of Facebook.

    Yet, after a breakup, all these questions are uncertain and more than likely, unknown. I’ve discovered that I, and humans in general, hate uncertainty.

    We would rather tolerate an unbearable situation than the unknown.

    You can view uncertainty as a tsunami about to happen or a surfing vacation in Hawaii.

    The more you see your future life as an adventure that is filled with excitement and novelty, the easier it will be for your to welcome in the life waiting for you.

    Pursue the life you visualize every day.

    You can get stuck focusing on where your ex is at or what your ex is doing, but this is neither healthy nor productive.

    Instead, get super clear on what you want.

    What is the life you envision for yourself every day? What values and principles do you want to guide your life?

    How would you like your life to look each day?

    Now, you may not be able to create that life instantly, but you can start doing small things each day that get you closer to the life you want.

    If you envision spirituality in your life each day, create time for a spiritual practice or class.

    If you see creativity in your life each day, make time for your creative ventures.

    If you see self-care as a necessity for your best life, reduce your commitments and take better care of yourself.

    You might not have the life you envisioned right now, but if you start taking small steps each day to live the life you want, before you know it, your visions will be your reality.

    What’s helped you let go of the past when your ex has already moved on?

  • Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated

    Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated

    “What’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” ~Unknown

    I grew up with difficult and hurtful parents who spoke critically, with the intent to demean.

    Each word of sarcasm, each thinly veiled joke or put-down undercut my self-esteem. Each knocked me down a rung in life and kept me from my potential.

    Rampant comparisons to other Indian kids succeeding academically, attacks of my mediocre performance at school, and harsh language were my mother’s weapons of choice.

    When someone attacks your self-esteem repeatedly, you feel beat down. It feels like you were meant to fly, but your own family is making you drown.

    Then, your natural tendency might be to do to others what someone has done to you.

    My tendencies were to judge and compare others in my mind, to taunt and verbally attack them. It was fitting then, I guess, that my career path led me to becoming a lawyer, now an ex-lawyer.

    As I got into the habits of sabotaging and hurting others, I never thought much about it. I just assumed that because my parents had talked to me harshly and treated me badly, I had the license to do the same to others.

    Others could handle the pain because I had. Others could endure a verbal lashing because I had. Others could handle emotional abuse because I had.

    You, too, might have grown up in a household that wounded you deeply. You might have never been able to leave the shadow of the pain and suffering you experienced. And you might have learned to treat people as others once treated you.

    I’ve come to believe that just because others hurt us, that doesn’t mean we have to continue the cycle of abuse.

    You don’t have to fall into your natural, default behaviors. You can change. You can choose different actions and make different decisions. You can break the cycle of negativity, criticism, and abuse.

    Here are six steps to heal the pain you felt and end the cycle of hurt.

    1. Work on forgiving those who hurt you.

    This may be much more easily said than done, but forgiveness is the key to healing. If you can’t forgive today, at least set the intention to forgive. It doesn’t matter how tragic or traumatic your past was; you must forgive for yourself. You’ll feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You will be able to breathe much more easily.

    It helps to put your abuser’s behavior in perspective so you can see their actions in a different light.

    Try to understand what influenced their behaviors and characteristics. For example, with my parents, they were likely raised in a similar way. Also, culturally, parents in Asia tend to be direct and hold you to high standards because they want you to succeed in life. Their intentions may have been ultimately good, but the way they went about parenting was misguided.

    Look at them through a lens of gratefulness. What could you appreciate about them, in spite of the pain they caused? Is there anything you can appreciate about the pain? I owe my sense of compassion, which is the foundation of my work, to my parents. Because of how I was hurt growing up, I now do work that reduces suffering and helps people find peace.

    Look at them through a perspective of love. If you saw them through a loving prism, how would you explain their actions and behavior?

    2. Work on your own healing.

    Instead of burning in anger and hatred, focus on what you need for your emotional and mental health.

    Assess the damage they’ve caused, look at the impact their behavior has had on your life, and determine what you must heal.

    Visit a counselor if necessary. Find coping mechanisms. Write about your hurt. Open yourself to a spiritual practice. Seek the tools that can help you heal your emotional wounds.

    Cultivate love for yourself. Speak to yourself gently. Let go of your high demands and expectations of yourself. Notice if how you treat yourself is similar to how the people who hurt you in the past treated you.

    3. Look for alternative role models.

    Watch your behavior and notice what you do when others hurt or anger you. How do you react when others push your buttons?

    If you don’t know how to respond or react differently from the people who raised you, look for alternative role models. Seek people with positive and emotionally healthy ways of responding to personal situations.
    Study them. Take notes. Notice how they handle trying circumstances. Model their behavior in your own interpersonal relationships.

    4. Learn positive and empowering behavior.

    If you were taught destructive and dysfunctional ways of being and speaking, opt for alternative ways. Hold back on hurtful words, convey your needs with softer language, and respect other people’s boundaries. Practice listening intently instead of responding rashly to what others say to you.

    Recently, someone told me that I couldn’t park my car in a particular part of a lot and had to park much further back and walk. The area I had parked in was for the vendors of the event I was attending.

    My first reaction was to fight back, use the parking lot rules against them, ask for the manager, and make a big scene about how unjust it was for me to have to move my car a couple blocks away where there was clearly space right there.

    Then I noticed the person was wearing a volunteer badge and had an overwhelmed expression on his face. I opted not to do what my defacto behavior was and instead chose understanding. I tried to see that he was doing the best he could and was just looking out for the vendors, who were critical to a successful event.

    Even if this person was wrong and even if it was unfair, I could still make his day a little less stressful and more pleasant. I could avoid arguing, making a scene, or verbally attacking someone who was trying their best to serve others.

    5. Focus on your reactions instead of the behavior of others.

    You can’t control others’ reactions, but you can learn to notice, change, and improve your own.

    Look for triggers and other behavior that provokes you. Notice your immediate reaction when people treat you badly, disrespect you, or lash out against you.

    Instead of immediately engaging with this behavior, withdraw, reflect, analyze, and take a thoughtful next step.

    This is what I had to do when I was talking to a woman I had recently met, who was not a fan of the type of writing I do.

    I found her remarks dismissive and non-supportive, and felt like lashing out. I wanted to attack her in some way or put down some part of her life that she valued, but after several days and after much calming down, I focused on my reaction. I let the anger simmer, re-evaluated her simple preference for fiction writing, and came to the conclusion that different people have different reading preferences.

    I was still hurt and told her so without demeaning or attacking her in return. I was able to communicate that I was hurt, which she apologized for, without hurting her. A win!

    6. Spread your light.

    Remind yourself that even if you grew up with challenging people and the darkness of human behavior, you get to choose how you treat others and show up in the world.

    You can operate by the default of hurting others—or, worse, seek revenge—and mimic the harmful and negative habits you witnessed growing up, or you can actively take different steps and make different choices.

    You can bring yourself out of the darkness of bad behavior, cruelty, abuse, and negligent child rearing. You can go out in the world choosing love and spreading your light of compassion and understanding.

    You can be the conduit who transforms pain into healing, not only for yourself but for everyone around you. You can show others who are hurting that forgiveness, understanding, love, and compassion are possible even after you’ve been hurt. And in doing so, you can help make the world a less hurtful place.

  • 9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

    My breakup led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

    After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

    It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

    I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

    Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

    I’m broken.

    I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heartbreak so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

    No one will ever love me again.

    After my last breakup, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

    I have nothing to offer.

    I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

    There must be something wrong with me.

    I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

    I’ll find the same kind of person again.

    I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

    There’s no one out there for me.

    After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

    I’m a failure.

    I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

    Love is too painful.

    After my painful, soul-crushing breakup, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

    It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

    In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

    As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

    If you have similar beliefs because of a breakup, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

    Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

    1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

    You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

    2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

    What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

    3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

    When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

    If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

    You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

    4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

    Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

    Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

    5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

    When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

    Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

    It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

    6. Look for love all around you.

    What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

    If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

    If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

    7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

    Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

    In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

    I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

    I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

    8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

    Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

    When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

    Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

    9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

    Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

    I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

    A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

    It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

    Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.

  • Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    Broken Hearts Can Lead to Awakened Souls

    “For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~Cynthia Occelli

    There are no two ways about it.

    Heartbreak squeezes you as though you were an orange, crushes you as though it were a tractor, and cuts sharply as a razor blade.

    Breaking up with my former wife was the most crushing event in my life. It made me see myself as a failure, hide in embarrassment, and cry myself to sleep for months.

    There are so many things I’d rather do than experience a broken heart again—like, oh, I don’t know, take a safari through the Serengeti alone and have hungry lions eat me alive, or take a plunge into the shark tank at Sea World and discover just how friendly those creatures really are.

    When you’re in a long-term relationship, or married to that person for years, heartbreak can be life breaking. The world you know ends.

    Through heartbreak, you come to see yourself as rejected, dejected, failed, and damaged.

    You question the meaning of life and, if bruised badly enough, even wonder why you’re alive.

    Would it seem too nuts for me to say that the pain of heartbreak led me to believe that being buried alive would have been more peaceful? Settling into a coffin would have been more pleasurable than facing the world every day?

    These were the thoughts that occupied my mind for a couple years of my life.

    I’m glad to say I survived this experience and didn’t do any of these drastic things.

    I survived the end of a love gone wrong. I survived the shattered pieces of a broken heart that scattered around me. I survived the accompanying disillusionment, sadness, sorrow, and pain.

    I lived to tell about it.

    What life lessons can I give you other than the simple message that you can do it too?

    Simply this: Your heart might be broken and closed, but this experience can lead to a soul awakening; through it, you can form a deeper connection with your highest self and find a greater sense of peace and clarity. Here’s how.

    1. Assess the damage.

    At some point, you’ll have to go from being the person who is broken and lost to being an observer surveying the wreckage.

    What do you miss about that person? What did you lose? What shared dreams have vanished from your life?

    When the pain has stopped or when you decide that you can’t keep living with a heavy heart, you’ll have to see where you are so that you can rebuild your life from the ground up.

    Acknowledge the loss. See where you are emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.

    It doesn’t matter how bad of a place you’re in. Stopping to look around you, to reflect and acknowledge where your heartbreak has brought you, is a start.

    2. Let love flood in.

    Your love for someone has shattered to pieces. Every edge of your heart cuts; every corner twinges with pain and nothing seems to fit back together.

    While you may see that your heart is shattered, know that now there is space for light to enter.

    Where is the light?

    The light is the love already within you.

    The light is subdued and hidden. It seems distant. You had completely forgotten about it.

    The good news is that you can access the light again by cultivating your love of yourself.

    Wherever you see emptiness, let the light come in. Imagine sunlight filling the void.

    When you notice craters of loneliness, let the light in. Imagine love filling the void.

    When you see ice blocks of pain, let the light’s heat melt them. Imagine love melting the void.

    What we’re talking about here is love that’s already within you—unleashing, releasing, and recapturing it. We’re not talking about love for anyone or anything else.

    I’m asking you to tap into the love already there.

    Cultivating this love requires that you mend your heart.

    It requires that you slow down and take care of yourself. It requires long walks, meditation, and room to breathe.

    It requires healthier eating, rekindled friendships, and self-care.

    Learn that you are enough as you are. No one can fulfill you or complete you as much as you can fulfill and complete yourself.

    3. Let your ego wash away.

    Your bruised ego desires plenty of attention and wants to be deeply embraced. It wants to grab a hold of your life and turn you into a victim. Our egos don’t like to feel ashamed, vulnerable, or lonely.

    Becoming aware of the ego helps release its strong grip on your life.

    Gently notice the ego’s hunger and its to desire to encompass your life. Watch it become enraged, hurt, bitter, and vengeful.

    Examine if your love for your ex was based on true love, or a need to feel complete, a need for companionship, or a desire to feel good about yourself.

    Were you in your past relationship to fulfill your ego’s needs, or your heart’s desires?

    One is selfish and centered on you; the other is generous and centered on giving.

    The point is not to be hard on yourself; it’s to be honest with yourself so you can show yourself compassion.

    The ego comes from a place of lack and not having had enough love.

    You can water the ego with the love it desires. Treating yourself better, being mindful of your thoughts, and being kinder with the words you use toward yourself will help release the role of the ego in your life.

    4. Sit with your soul.

    I never connected with my soul during the course of my relationship.

    I was too busy nit-picking, disagreeing, and getting even with my ex. I was caught up in games, ego, and anger.

    I never tapped into my soul to guide the way.

    If I had, I would have come from a place of love for her and for myself. I would have showed up every day with compassion and understanding.

    The soul is an internal all-knowing sacred space that holds your highest truth, your most divine self, and an abundance of love.

    This space is your true nature, your essence, your clarity.

    Walks in nature, a meditative silence, a silent cathedral, a closed-eye prayer—all allow the senses to quiet themselves so that you can tap into your soul.

    Connect with this quiet, wise, all-knowing, expansive, light-filled space daily.

    Go forward in the world from this space of love and clarity. Learn to listen, love, and live from this sacred space.

    5. Let your soul guide you.

    Live your life from the source of internal power that comes from the soul.

    Listen to the strong command of your soul’s voice—your intuitive feelings and the wise internal whispers that come from a place of love and quiet strength.

    Hear the ego’s voice arise and acknowledge it. Thank the ego for looking out for you, then release it from its duties.

    Pledge to live your life from this soul-centered state of peace, awareness, and compassion.

    Embrace your soul. Feel it. Listen to it. Let it guide you.

    It’s time to gently sweep the broken pieces of your heart aside.

    Bow to your broken heart in gratitude, for if it hadn’t shattered so loudly and violently, you would never started on this path to your soul awakening.

  • How to Heal from Heartbreak and Allow Love into Your Life

    How to Heal from Heartbreak and Allow Love into Your Life

    Open Up to Love

    “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

    Love terrifies me.

    After having loved, courted, and married the love of my life, things went sour. Over the course of a few years, our marriage crumbled and our relationship came to a sudden halt.

    When you’ve only been with one person, loved that person to the core, and believed that person to be your soul mate, you take the breakup unusually hard.

    Yes, tears. Yes, sorrow. Yes, seclusion. Yes, withdrawal. Yes, not wanting to get out of bed.

    I experienced every symptom of heartbreak to its bitter end. The breakup was like a tsunami in my calm life.

    Over these last couple years of healing, I’ve found it difficult to let down the walls protecting my heart and find the courage to trust someone new.

    I’ve had to actively take steps to overcome my fears of love.

    Here are six ways to remove the protective walls around your heart and permit love to bloom in your life.

    1. Make peace with the past.

    In order to move on from heartbreak, you have to be willing to let go of all that has happened. Yes, you shared a lot together. Yes, it all meant something. And yes, it was supposed to have lasted a lifetime.

    But things don’t always work out the way you want them to. You simply cannot control all the circumstances that unfold in your life.

    People make mistakes. Your ex may not have been mature yet, not fully conscious or developed as a person, or they didn’t know who they were at the time. They may not have had enough life experiences or enough emotional maturity.

    You cannot hold onto grudges, inequities, and resentment toward them because of what happened in the past. As difficult as you may find it, you have to let go and forgive.

    There are a couple of ways to do this: first, take responsibility for your part in the relationship; and second, try to empathize with your ex. Try to consider where they might have been at that point in their life, understand their shortcomings, and extend compassion toward them.

    To heal, go through the grieving process and try to let go of the past. Don’t let this movie continue to play in your mind like a scary horror flick. Imagine this relationship as a film you’ve already seen and don’t allow it to replay repeatedly in your mind, scarring you for life.

    Also, be grateful for the good times you shared and the lessons of the past relationship.

    2. Nurture and show yourself compassion.

    After you let go of the resentment and heartache, take care of yourself.

    It’s easy to beat yourself up and blame yourself for your shortcomings, faults, and your role in the breakup.

    You’re not perfect. But think about how much you’re growing and learning about yourself. No one else in the world other than this past intimate life partner could have helped you grow so much.

    Be grateful for the insights about yourself you’ve gained. Treat yourself in a healthy and positive way.

    Eat better. Get back to exercising. Go back to those yoga classes and meditation practices. Read books on healing and growth. Sleep more. Relax more. Allow for more downtime in your life.

    Treat yourself as well as you would treat someone you cared a great deal about.

    3. Share your pains and sorrow.

    A big mistake I made during my healing was isolating myself from everyone I knew. I was embarrassed and in pain.

    I’ve since found out that not sharing with others was a heavy and toxic behavior. Keeping it all in was too much to bear.

    I initially started seeing a counselor, then started sharing my experiences with acquaintances and colleagues at work. Over time, I eventually shared my pain with friends and family.

    The sooner you share with others, the easier you’ll find your journey back to healing.

    You’ll also find yourself being much more vulnerable than ever before. This can be scary, but you’ll soon find that all the falsities and insecurities about yourself will fall away.

    In the process of becoming vulnerable, you’ll start getting to your core, your real self. You’ll find that it’s in this honest place that your true power lies.

    People want to be there for you during this difficult time. Make space for them to do it.

    4. Seek love in other parts of your life.

    Even if you’re not ready for a romantic relationship right now, allow love to come in from other parts of your life.

    Spend more time with friends and people you genuinely care about and love.

    Pursue those hobbies that make your heart sing, and do those activities that make you feel good.

    Try to infuse as much of your day with love. Eliminate activities, people, and tasks that constrict your soul.

    Schedule loving and feel-good activities into your calendar. You’ll start noticing how your internal positive vibrations will spill over to external positive circumstances.

    The more love you cultivate in your life, the more love you’ll see around you.

    5. Sit with the beliefs that scare you.

    The way to deal with your fears of dating and loving again is to confront all the many negative beliefs that will pop up in your mind. There will be many of them.

    The opposite sex is no good. People will only hurt you. You were not made for love. You are unlovable. You don’t have the ability to love. You’re broken. Your past made you this way.

    If these misguided beliefs come up, acknowledge them and sit with them.

    Ask yourself if these beliefs are real or a result of past negative experiences. Do your beliefs apply to everyone? Have others been able to find love and compatible relationships?

    Are your beliefs based on truth or your deepest fears?

    Question your beliefs. Challenge them. Or simply sit with them and allow questions about these false beliefs to come up.

    By sitting with your fear-based beliefs and considering alternative ones, you’ll realize that your fears will have less power over you over time.

    If sitting is too passive of an exercise for you, test your beliefs with friends who have had positive experiences with love and relationships. Permit them to help you shift your beliefs and perspectives on love.

    6. Continue practicing small acts of courage in opening your heart.

    To love again and open up again is a challenge after a heart-crushing breakup. When your heart has been ripped out and your broken relationship feels like shattered glass, it’s hard to trust again.

    It’s hard to believe again. It’s hard to open up yourself again.

    It can’t be done overnight but it can be done through small steps and over time.

    It can start by saying “hello” to the next person who greets you.

    It can mean returning a smile.

    It can mean saying “yes” to coffee and not filling up your mind with dozens of reasons why coffee with this person is a bad idea.

    It can mean saying “yes” to a blind date.

    And it means saying “yes” to someone who wants to introduce you to someone who they think is a great match for you.

    Take tiny steps of saying “yes” when your heart screams “no.”

    You might believe that no amount of pleasure or happiness is worth the pain and suffering you’ve endured. You can’t afford the emotional, psychological, and mental games another ruined relationship is going to bring your way.

    I get it. I’ve been there and wallowed in that place for a long time. Ultimately, I realized we have only two choices: be a prisoner of our heartbreak or break free and chose to re-write our story on love.

    Love is possible if you make a choice to do the work to open up your heart again. You’ve come a long way. You’re more knowledgeable about yourself, smarter about relationships, more savvy about love, and better able to handle changes.

    Your heart can break open into a satisfying and fulfilling relationship. Past darkness can open up to the most brilliant light.

    Open your heart to the possibilities of new beginnings and more joy.

    Man at heart window image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Ways to Let Go and Open Up to Love Again

    10 Ways to Let Go and Open Up to Love Again

    Love

    “A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.” ~Rumi

    When I met my first love, my dull black and white life became as bright as a double rainbow. The intense hues of love flooded over me with extreme joy and happiness.

    Soon after meeting, we married and lived together for ten years. Yet, like rainbows and raindrops, our love evaporated and I took our divorce especially hard, soaking in self-pity and sadness while grieving for the past several years.

    After experiencing a painful breakup, you never, ever want to be in a relationship again. A broken heart and pained soul wants to give up on love altogether.

    Why put yourself through so much pain and suffering for a love that hurts and could end?

    The reason to give love another shot, I’ve learned, is that by loving better and deeper, we become even more whole. Our hurt and tears clear the fog around our heart and illuminate the soul.

    The journey to love is a journey to one’s self, your highest, most sacred and loving self.

    There are plenty of obstacles keeping us from loving again. Sad to say, I’ve experienced them all.

    Here are ten way to let go of the obstacles preventing you from having love in your life.

    1. Let go of pain.

    You can’t let go of pain by resisting it. You could avoid the pain for some time, but in order to move on you must fully embrace the pain.

    Embracing the pain means experiencing loss, sadness, and grief. As difficult as it might be, allow the tears to flow and share your experience with your friends and family.

    Write down your feelings and come to terms with the emotions you’re going through.

    Instead of judging yourself harshly for your feelings, wash yourself in compassion for finding the strength to move through your pain.

    2. Let go of trespasses.

    When you break up, you feel like you want to blame everyone for causing your heartache. This includes not just your ex, but also their parents, your parents, their friends, your friends, and everyone in between.

    The only way to stop blaming others is to forgive them. No matter how grave the offense or how unacceptable their behavior, your healing starts when you let go of the gripe. Yes, it was unfair; yes, it was unjust; and yes, they did you wrong. But there’s nothing to be done now but forgive.

    Forgive people, because they, like us, have many imperfections. They know not what they do. They don’t live up to our expectations and have had difficult pasts that we may not understand fully.

    3. Let go of bitterness.

    The way to let go of bitterness toward others is to think of the many positive qualities and experiences you’ve had with them.

    Your ex is not an evil person; they just weren’t the best person for you.

    Instead of being stuck on their flaws and wrongdoings, allow the power of forgiveness to overlook what they’ve ‘done’ to you. Look at what good they’ve done, how much they’ve helped you be a better person, and the happy times you had together.

    Remind yourself of their redeeming qualities. See their light.

    4. Let go of resentments.

    We let go of self-pity and resentments by being more grateful.

    Not only be thankful to your ex and the relationship you shared, but start living a life filled with gratefulness.

    Notice the small things and the big things that are constantly occurring around you.

    Appreciate the kind gesture, the words of encouragement, and the favorable circumstances that unfold in your life.

    Making a small gratitude list as you start or end the day can help you move from focusing on resentments to focusing on thankfulness.

    5. Let go comparing yourself to others.

    What I’ve learned is that no relationship is perfect, and most relationships look good from the outside. Comparing your relationship to others isn’t very constructive.

    Once again, transform bitterness toward others to gratefulness that others have found love in their lives. If others have found love, let that be a message of hope and possibility for you.

    We are each on our own journeys to better understanding ourselves and loving better. Our journey is independent of anyone else’s.

    Your day will come. Your broken love and loss are the seeds of true love.

    6. Let go of expectations.

    We’ve grown up to expect a lot of things to turn out a certain way. But like the weather and weather reports, you can’t count on sunny and bright all the time.

    If we can’t expect good weather, we sure can’t expect a perfect love or a partner to behave a certain way.

    The way to be happy in and out of relationships is to let go of expectations and conditions.

    Your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t a certain height, a certain profession, or a specific personality.

    Be open to the magic of possibilities.

    7. Let go of resistance.

    Although love can be painful and heart-breaking, be willing to open your heart anyway.

    Be open to meeting new people, be open to being vulnerable, and be open to falling in love again.

    Love can only bloom if you’re open to love in your life. Set the intention for love to enter again.

    8. Let go of being tough.

    I know the feeling well. “The stronger and more closed I am to others, the less likely someone else will hurt me again.”

    If you close your heart and feelings to others, you may avoid pain, but you’ll also miss out on happiness and joy.

    Seek to be your most honest self. Instead of hiding behind a cloak of someone you’re not, be yourself in the world, which will only make you more attractive.

    By being true to yourself, you’ll also attract people who are better suited for you.

    Being vulnerable means being honest about your shortcomings and sharing your feelings. It’s choosing honesty over trying to look good.

    9. Let go of telling the same story over and over.

    You want to tell the same sad story repeatedly to friends—a love gone wrong, a love soured, a love that fell apart.

    What if that story simply wasn’t true?

    There are many perspectives and stories in every relationship. Are you holding onto a story of resentment and bitterness?

    Are you willing to see a different story? A different perspective?

    Could the lost love have helped you grow? Heal some part of yourself? Learn about an open wound?

    Is the story you’re telling yourself blocking love from entering your life again?

    10. Let go of fear.

    The way to let go of fear is to recognize and embrace it.

    How is fear holding you back? Is it keeping you stuck from living the life you want or the love you desire?

    Call fear out for what it is. What is the worst that can happen if this fear came true? How likely is it that this fear will come true? Have you overcome fears like this in your past?

    When you confront fear and acknowledge it for what it is, you can have an honest conversation with fear.

    Ultimately, a partner is a mirror and guide to help you complete the journey to your truest self. Even if you break up with them, they can be a conduit to healing and being made whole.

    Let go of your blocks keeping you from experiencing joy. Let go and choose love again.

    Couple with flashlight hearts image via Shutterstock

  • Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    Who to Fall in Love with First: 6 Ways to Love Yourself

    “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves.

    Ironically, it was when my ten-year marriage fizzled that I began the innermost process of self-discovery about love.

    While discouraged and saddened at the crumbling of our relationship, I began to explore love more. How had it fizzled? Why had we stopped loving each other, and what had happened to our love?

    The People Who Were to Have Loved Us

    I grew up in a rather patriarchal culture and family, which had trouble expressing or showing love.

    In fact, they showed love in unusual and unhealthy of ways. My mother used harsh language, put-downs, and comparisons to others to berate, embarrass, and ridicule me about my personal habits, lack of achievement in school, and potential career choices.

    My dad showed love in the form of his belt, which lashed against my body throughout my childhood. I remember horrific lashes, which left marks around my legs, buttocks, and back. If I were lucky, the lashes were made by the softer leathery-parts of the belt. If I wasn’t, it was the buckle, which did the scarring.

    The violent strikes resulted from disobedience, for challenging my parents’ authority, and mediocre grades.

    My adolescent years were filled with memories of some of these physical scars, which have disappeared, but also emotional scars, which continued to linger.

    My ex-wife’s parents similarly showed love in unhealthy ways: ignoring her feelings, constantly criticizing and comparing her to others, and not expressing their love for her.

    What I’ve realized since our divorce was that we were two damaged people who had trouble loving ourselves, let alone each other. When the love you’ve known has been physically harmful, emotionally painful, and psychology scarring, how do you love another person?

    With this realization, I’ve had to find ways to love myself first.

    You too may have been unloved or shown love in unhealthy ways in your life. Here are some tips on loving yourself first before searching for love in your life.

    1. Be kind to yourself.

    You may have hurts, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.

    We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.

    Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.

    When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    2. Feel the love within you and be that love.

    You may experience both self-hatred and self-love. Spend more time focusing on self-love.

    Try loving and positive affirmations. Nourish your soul through a love-kindness meditation or spiritual practices that help you feel compassion and love toward yourself.

    Once you feel vibrations of self-love or the peace of positive affirmations, try to be in that place of love throughout your day.

    Infuse this love with your interactions with others in your life.

    3. Give yourself a break.

    You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.

    Be willing to embrace your imperfections and excuse your bad days. Don’t set such high standards for yourself emotionally and mentally. It’s normal to feel sadness and pain and to hit some low points in life.

    Allow yourself to embrace these emotions without judging yourself for them.

    4. Embrace yourself.

    Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?

    You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.

    Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.

    The process of self-discovery can happen through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.

    In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.

    The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.

    It took a combination of meditation, therapy, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.

    5. Be grateful.

    Rhonda Byrne, author of The Magic, shares with us a powerful way to change all of our relationships and our life.

    Byrne encourages us to practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.

    “When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase,” Byrne says.

    She includes twenty-eight practices for twenty-eight days of your life to help you feel gratitude more deeply. Her initial practice is a formula to count your blessings.

    She encourages you to write out the following sentence for ten items you’re grateful for everyday.

    “I am truly blessed to have _____________, because _____________(why?).”

    You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.

    6. Give yourself in service to others.

    When you think about kindness toward others and being love to others, you open the door to divine love.

    “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

    Yes, giving to others is a gift of love you can often give yourself which brings you more love.

    When you’re being kind, considerate, compassionate, and giving of yourself, your soul will rejoice. You’ve reached the highest level of self-love in this state of serving others.

    Find ways to do small and large tasks to assist those living in your house, neighborhood, or community. Practice conscious acts of kindness and giving.

    The love you’re sharing with others in the form of service will help you feel more love and fulfillment in your life.

    You’ll realize you don’t need someone else to feel complete any longer. You’re complete.

    A relationship will only make you shine brighter and bring more love in your life.

  • 6 Lessons Life Has Taught Me on Embracing Change and Impermanence

    6 Lessons Life Has Taught Me on Embracing Change and Impermanence

    “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

    Life can be a persistent teacher.

    When we fail to learn life’s lessons the first time around, life has a way of repeating them to foster understanding.

    Over the last few years, my life was shaken up by dramatic circumstances. I resisted the impermanence of these events in my life and struggled with embracing change. When I resisted the lessons that change brought, a roller coaster of changes continued to materialize.

    When I was seventeen years old, my immigrant parents’ small import-export business failed.  From a comfortable life in Northern California, they uprooted themselves and my two younger brothers and moved back to Asia.

    The move was sudden and unexpected, catching us all by surprise. I was in my last months of high school, so I remained in California with a family friend to finish my degree.

    I spent the summer abroad with my family and then relocated to Southern California to start college upon my return. Alone in a new environment, I found myself without many friends or family members close by.

    Life was moving much faster than I was able to handle, and I was shell-shocked by my family’s sudden move, my new surroundings, and college. Their relocation and college brought dramatic changes, along with fear, loneliness, and anxiety.

    I felt overwhelmed by my new university campus and its vastness; alone, even though I sat in classes of 300 students; and challenged by the responsibilities of independence and adulthood.

    Everything I had known had changed in a very short period of time. I tried to cope the best I could, but I resisted the changes by isolating myself even more from my new university and surroundings. It was the first and only time in my life I had contemplated suicide.

    Several years after college, having achieved my career goals in the legal field, I started a legal services business. I helped immigrants, refugees, and people escaping persecution who’d come to the U.S. to navigate the hurdles to residency and citizenship.

    I invested money, time, and my being into my law office. Not only was I preoccupied with the dire legal situations of my clients, but I also confronted the ups and downs of running a business.

    Starting and running a new company is not easy, and mine was losing more money every month. While I found the nearly three-year venture immensely gratifying because of the lives I was able to help, it was time for me to move on.

    It was a difficult decision, because I thought I’d found my career path. My life became engulfed with changes once again as I tried to close the doors to my office, close my clients’ cases, pay off my debt, and seek employment.

    In between university and my business venture, I married a beautiful, gifted girl in India after an international romance. We were married for ten years and endured many of life’s personal and professional ups and downs together. Despite our problems, we both struggled to keep our marriage together. (more…)

  • What to Do When You’re New: In School, Work, or Your City

    What to Do When You’re New: In School, Work, or Your City

    “If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.” ~Buddhist saying

    Moving to a new country as a kid can be traumatizing because of the challenges of fitting into a new culture and new social customs.

    When I arrived in Northern California at the age of ten with my parents and younger two brothers, we were excited about being in America (home of Disneyland) but apprehensive about our how our classmates would react to us and how we would fit into the social environment of a school in a new country.

    My earliest memories of starting school in the 4th grade were not having to wear uniforms like we did in Malaysia, not having to stand up when speaking in class, and not having a regular morning assembly every morning prior to school starting.

    I welcomed the slightly relaxed curriculum, reading fun fiction titles in class and not having semester finals in elementary school.

    The challenges I found were as expected—not understanding the cultural context of what was happening in the classroom or references to American sports, entertainment, history and even holidays.

    It was also difficult fitting in and making friends initially in a close-knit school, where kids had grown up together since pre-school.

    Most of my classmates ignored me in the beginning. I found it difficult to engage in team sports activities or find lunchtime friends to visit with. Yes, there was some bullying, as well, about my mismatched, out-of-fashion clothes, my military-ready haircut, and even my accent, but I tried to take that all with good humor!

    While I recall eating lunch in solitude for several weeks and attending English as a Second Language classes trying to get accustomed to my new life in America, I did manage to make friends over the course of the school year and fit in.  I even started getting invitations to birthday parties by the end of the year. (more…)