Author: Victoria Cox

What Would Your Future Look Like If You Took a Leap of Faith?

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make. ” ~Unknown

Have you ever thought about making a big change in your life?

Chances are, just that very idea produces a mild sense of anxiety and discomfort. But what if you were to actually go ahead and make that change? What would that look like, what would that feel like?

A rhetorical question, I realize. You only know if you go through with it. If you don’t, you will never know. It’s a really tough place to be—one that I have been grappling with for many months.

Recently I took my own leap of faith and resigned from my job of almost ten years. This was a long time coming; I invested much time and energy on what would be the ideal outcome and when I should take action.

Wracked with indecision, I thought through every aspect of my decision, and then mulled it over some more.

One thing that I learned from this approach is that intellect can be a useful and logical tool to work through certain issues, but it’s also very easy to over think a problem into oblivion.

Granted, while it’s possible to think a problem through to its logical end, this approach leaves you with a bigger problem. How can you be sure?

The term leap of faith proves to be an apt metaphor. There are no guarantees in life. X doesn’t always equal Y.

You choose to take the leap despite the uncertainty. That’s the trick.

It’s a brave move but so often in life, our life rewards increase exponentially with the risks that we choose to take. In taking the leap, you are making a very bold statement to the Universe. You are effectively saying, “I trust in you.”

While I was mulling, tweaking, and generally controlling every aspect of making this decision, the Universe had other ideas in store for me.

The work stress, which was previously tolerable, was turned up several degrees to a rolling boil.

Business colleagues who I previously had easy working relationships with were replaced with aggressive Wall St. Finance Guy. Time passed, stress levels rocketed skyward, tempers frayed. Something had to give. That something was me.

Knowing it would take an Indiana Jones boulder rolling toward me before I actually quit my job, the Universe finally got its message across. I was the proverbial frog, boiling away in a pot of my own making.

My work environment was so toxic it was starting to make me physically ill. Sunday nights were a hotbed of anxiety-driven insomnia, while the Monday morning elevator ride was akin to riding to the top of a rollercoaster, excruciatingly slowly.

Finally, I took control of the situation, and under the influence of a heady cocktail of anxiety with a splash of dry mouth, I handed in my notice.

I had imagined this moment for quite some time. I fantasized about the sense of euphoria I would feel in the aftermath.

In my deluded version of events, the soundtrack from Rocky would begin to pump out of invisible speakers as I made a couple of victory laps around the office, hands raised aloft.

Alas, the only thing that was raised aloft was my blood pressure.

The euphoria that I had imagined went MIA and its evil stepbrother, Fear, came strolling gleefully into its place. I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

What people don’t tell you about making these types of decisions is that there will be a period, usually immediately afterward, whereupon you stop and ask yourself, “What the F did I just do?”

When recollecting these typically momentous times in our lives, people tend to skip over this part of the story. Time passes, things work out, and so the focus leans on the following premise: I took a leap; it was scary but in hindsight it was the best thing I ever did.

Let’s focus on that scary bit for a second. I’m not advocating not following through with your dreams, but I feel that its important to know that there will be a period of time where a torrent of emotion pours forth. Good, bad, or indifferent.

In my experience, the post-leap process ranged wildly from the spectrum of buttock clenching anxiety through to “Sorry I didn’t mean that; can I take it back?”

When you make and follow through with a huge decision, know that you are effectively taking that little comfort zone you painstakingly created for yourself and burning it to the ground. Expect to feel uncomfortable and probably a little vulnerable.

I made the mistake of believing that the absence of this euphoric feeling was because I had made the wrong decision. I didn’t. It’s totally normal to spend this time with your old friends, Regret, Worry, and Anxiety.

They’ll come over for coffee, stay for dinner, and probably spend the night. Remember, they are just paying a visit to check in and ask you again, and probably again over your morning coffee, “Are you sure you made the right decision?”

What helped me get through this difficult time was a combination of self-care, talking with positive-minded friends, and most importantly, imagining what my life would look like if I didn’t go ahead with my decision.

I recently heard about the “Rule of Ten,” which I found very useful when faced with a big decision.

Ask yourself what your life would look like in ten minutes if you went ahead with it. What would it look like in ten months? Ten years? Then, reverse it. What would your life look like if you don’t go through with it? In ten minutes? Ten months? Ten years?

Simple, but incredibly powerful.

It’s been a while since I took the leap. My emotional houseguests have finally left, and today was the first day where I woke up and felt something. Was that Hope I heard ferreting around at the bottom of the bed? Oh and look, Excitement is knocking at the door.

Making a change can produce some of life’s most rewarding moment. This doesn’t necessarily have to be experienced through a dramatic gesture such as quitting your job. A small life tweak such as breaking a bad habit can oftentimes be equally as rewarding.

Changing what no longer works for us, whatever that might be, is an act of bravery. To stand up for oneself and say “I don’t want to do this anymore” shows us that we are capable of doing more and being more.

But it’s also important to know that there will be growing pains. After all, if it were easy for people to change up their lives, the whole population would be in constant flux.

Yet, ultimately change really is the only constant in life. It’s how we adapt to it that matters.

So, when you find yourself on the precipice of a cliff, teetering on the edge of a big decision, ask yourself what your life would look like if you made a change, and if you didn’t. This just might help you follow your heart and take your own leap of faith.

Woman leaping image via Shutterstock

April 29, 2015
Saying Yes When We Mean No: How to Break the Habit

“Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.” ~Josh Billings

Have you ever encountered a situation where you found yourself agreeing to do something that you had no interest in actually doing?

When we find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, we are essentially saying no to ourselves and giving our personal power away. The classic archetype of the People Pleaser.

So why do we do it?

I believe it is learned behavior. I have yet to see a toddler hold themselves back from the brink of a temper tantrum and tell themselves, “You know what, mum is really tired today. She doesn’t need another one of my meltdowns. The diaper aisle in Target is not the right place for this type of behavior.”

It simply doesn’t happen. Children tend to express their emotions as they feel them, which is why they are generally such emotional-baggage-free zones. They typically express those emotions freely and with complete abandon, regardless of who’s looking at them.

Throughout the course of our early life, when our mother, father, or parental figure approves of what we do, it feels good. Therefore, we learn to keep doing things that will meet their approval to keep feeling good.

The problem is that every time we continue on this pleasing path, we are ultimately taking ourselves off our own path. We are closing down from what we want, focusing on what others want from us, and effectively handing them the reins to our lives.

One analogy I like to make for this type of behavior is renting a car in a new city with a GPS device.

You are entirely reliant on that device getting you to where you need to be. All well and good, but what if the device isn’t given the correct instructions or doesn’t take into account the new one-way system recently implemented in the city?

When you relinquish control and hand your power over to someone or something outside yourself, you are cutting yourself off from you.

But what if you also had a map of the new city and worked out your correct location and intended destination?

You’d start to get a sense of where you are and a feel for the direction you need to be headed in.

The GPS system is a shorter route to get there and a very useful aid, but in handing over your power completely, you are at the whims of the GPS and at risk of driving the wrong way down a one-way street.

I learned from an early age that life would be simpler if I just did what I was told. In turn, people started to expect that nice behavior from me. But what about the situations where I wasn’t feeling like being nice? What if being nice felt the polar opposite of the emotion that I wanted to express?

By choosing people pleasing behavior, I was giving everyone else what they wanted and in turn, denying myself.

I was stuffing down my emotions and instead, learning to say what was expected of me. After a while, this behavior starts to feel normal and you no longer even question why you behave a certain way; it becomes ingrained, a habit.

So how do we break the habit?

The first step is simply awareness.

Notice when you start to engage in people pleasing behavior.

There is no need to beat yourself up when you notice this. You are essentially starting to retrain the neural pathways in your brain. It may take some time. Go easy on yourself and be forgiving. But don’t stop paying attention.

By becoming aware, we can no longer stay in denial about our behavior; we know exactly what we are doing.

The next step is to ask, “Why am I doing this?”

Once we are aware of our behavior, we can start to question it. One of my people pleasing habits is just to give the other person what they want so I don’t have to feel any emotional discomfort. This is called avoidance.

For example, a friend invites me to dinner and asks if we could go to a fondue restaurant she loves. I hate fondue. The idea of soaking pieces of bread into a vat of swirling melted cheese makes me feel slightly nauseous.

Yet, instead of just telling my friend this, I hear myself saying, “Sure, sounds great.” Fast-forward a few days and there I am, stuffing melted cheese into my mouth and plastering a grin over my face to try and conceal my disgust.

I asked myself, why am I doing this? The answer was clear. I would rather put myself through a few hours of discomfort and line my intestines with a cheese glaze rather than tell my friend I wasn’t into it.

As I looked back on this experience I realized that the only person suffering in that experience was me. I willingly put myself into a situation I didn’t want to be in rather than being honest.

After becoming aware of our behavior and figuring out why we’re doing it, we can then address the problem.

The last step is to set emotional boundaries.

Setting new boundaries with the people you love is never easy, and it takes time. The key is to take a deep breath and step back when you find yourself entering the people-pleasing zone.

Saying “I’m not sure yet, can I get back to you?” is a step in the right direction. This gives you time to think the issue through so you don’t feel pressured into making a decision.

Ask yourself what you want, not what the other person wants from you.

If you don’t want to do what is being asked of you, it’s okay. You can be loving and kind about it but remain firm.

Creating boundaries provides an emotional comfort zone for yourself. When we are clear on what we will and wont accept, people respect us for it.

At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and accepted by those closest to us. But it’s important to know that loving someone doesn’t mean doing everything in your power to please them. This is called being a doormat.

By shifting focus and starting to love yourself first, you learn to step into your authentic self and conduct your relationships from a place of equal footing.

We begin to reaffirm to ourselves that we have the right to live our lives on our own terms.

Stand tall in your own skin and be who you are meant to be, not what somebody else expects you to be.

No blackboard image via Shutterstock

April 14, 2015
Are Limiting Beliefs Holding You Back and Making You Feel Bad?

“If you believe yourself to be limited in some way, whether or not it is true, it becomes true for you.” ~Brian Tracy

I have often wondered why the most formative years of one’s life, in early childhood, tend to be the hardest for us to recall.

Most of us cannot even begin to tap into those memories. Those scant memories that do bubble up to the surface are often fog-tinged and dreamlike. Images or sensations may appear, but the linear, day-to-day recollection evades us.

Perhaps Mother Nature does have a sense of humor, because, oddly enough, it is usually only those traumatic or intense moments of our lives that seem to come up.

Can I remember winning the sack race when I was six? No. Do I recall my first day of school? I remember in vivid detail walking up to the school gates clutching onto my mother’s legs, panicking that I would never make any friends.

I have always thought that these types of memories don’t simply vanish into thin air but rather get stored somewhere in our subconscious.

The problem is that we don’t know the password to access them. The same can be said for things people said to us when we were young children. Those words and life lessons, whether positive or negative, became imprinted on our psyche.

If you were one of the lucky children that constantly heard “The world is your oyster” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” you probably carried these beliefs into adulthood.

The positive reinforcement received from a young age seems to sustain a secure sense of self, which guides these people through their lives. More often than not, they turn out to be successful, because why wouldn’t they?

(Of course, there are those that receive positive reinforcement from a young age yet somehow morph into self-entitled monsters, but that’s another article.)

If others tell you, and you believe, that there is nothing stopping you from achieving your dreams, then chances are you will take more risks in life and your life rewards will increase exponentially.

But what if the opposite were true? What if you were constantly fed a diet of negativity as a child?

If others regularly told you that “You will never amount to anything” and that “You are worthless,” what kind of foundation do you think that provided? A shaky one, and from shaky foundations come insecurity and a wavering sense of self.

Sure, some people who have this kind of upbringing find great success in life, but it is often overcompensation for this self-limiting belief that spurs people on to greater heights and bigger lives.

The drive comes from a need to prove that what they heard as children was wrong; it’s not a drive emanating from the belief “I deserve this” or, to quote L’Oreal, “because I’m worth it.”

I strongly believe that whatever our parents (or parental figures) told us during these formative years remains in our bodies on a subconscious level.

Have you ever had a situation when someone said or did something to you that felt like it struck a nerve? Did someone make a comment to you that unexpectedly brought back a plethora of sensations, fears, or worries that you haven’t felt in years? How does that happen?

We subconsciously reinforce those messages and viewpoints that our loved ones continually reinforced until they become our very own beliefs.

And then we unknowingly pass them on to our children, and on and on the cycle spins. But what would life be like if you could learn to separate yourself from a belief pattern that has no foundation of truth but nonetheless has a hold over you?

My self-limiting belief revolves around money and my attitude toward it. From a young age my parents worked very hard, holding multiple jobs and doing everything in their power to give us what we needed.

As they built their business together, their lives and incomes improved; however, their attitudes toward money did not.

Having come from a place of lack, they didn’t want us to find ourselves in that same place. So the constant message was that saving money is important, and they frowned upon spending frivolously. We learned that you buy only what you need.

While these financial beliefs helped me greatly in certain aspects of my life, I’ve run into some residual issues as a result. In the dominant memories of shopping with my mother, the all important question was not “Do you like it?” but rather “How much is it?”

My mother did not encourage spending on anything but the basics, and she hardly ever splurged on herself.

I internalized the message that it is a bad thing to treat yourself to nice things.

Years later, despite having worked hard to find myself in a financially stable position, the first thing I do when out shopping is to look at the price tag. The voice in my head tells me it’s too expensive. I tell myself, “You don’t need this; what are you thinking?”

In the event that I decide that I do, in fact, need it and like it very much, I drag myself to the register yet spend a good thirty minutes afterward berating myself.

I am fully aware that I do this, but can’t seem to stop myself.

The first step toward change is awareness, and I am consciously aware that I’m a work in progress.

These days when I find myself in the midst of a heated argument with myself in the fitting room mirror, I give myself a pep talk. “Do you like it? Can you afford it?” If the answer is a resounding “yes,” I go right ahead.

So, what’s your self-limiting belief? How does this way of thinking hold you back in life? By encouraging an open dialogue, we can begin to free ourselves from the invisible shackles of these negative beliefs.

The more we hear, read, or speak a word or phrase, the more power it has over us. By staying aware and refuting these beliefs as they come up, their authority starts to wane.

Being consciously aware that we have the power to choose how we think can be wonderfully liberating. We no longer need to react according to some outdated belief system that we inherited, which doesn’t serve our highest potential.

What we choose to shine a light on can no longer carry a hold over us. So maybe it’s time to get out the flashlight, get really honest, and work through those beliefs that no longer serve us so we can put them where they belong, in the trash.

Held back image via Shutterstock

September 25, 2014
Follow Your Heart: Stop Playing It Safe and Start Really Living

“If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.” ~Fay Weldon

After an extremely harrowing time dealing with big life changes while working a very stressful job, I snapped.

No, I didn’t reach for the nearest stapler and start attacking my colleagues (though this was a secret fantasy when the going got really tough). The words of that song by The Animals came to mind and I decided, “I got to get out of this place.” At least for a little while.

And so, after much planning, globe spinning, and Google searching, I finally cobbled together an itinerary and nervously asked The Boss Man for six weeks off. Gulp. He said yes! Just goes to show, oftentimes, she who asks, gets.

Fast forward a few months, the tickets are booked, accommodation arranged, I was off on a solo venture to Central America with nothing but a suitcase of dreams and me, myself, and I for company.

Sometimes in life you get these crazy whims and suddenly decide to jump in the driver’s seat, grab the steering wheel, and make a hard right from the road of your life. To some, this may involve a lot of nerve and a yearning for adventure, and true, that is a small part of it.

The other, more interesting part of it for me (for fear of sounding like a bumper sticker) was to feel the fear and do it anyway.

It was about having faith that things will work out and trusting that the universe has my back. Keep the faith if you will.

I didn’t know exactly why I was going away but just had a deep sense that this was what I had to do at this time in my life (or face a lengthy prison sentence for assault with a stapler).

Funnily enough, the whole “the universe has my back” thing became the trip motto, and when I started to obsess over every last logistical detail, I had to give myself a stern talking to.

“Girl, you don’t and can’t control the world. Let it go, it will all work out. And if not, then at least I tried. To quote that fine and wise Irishman, Samuel Beckett, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” Truly words to live by.

Once I let go of the expectation of what the experience should look like and put my inner control freak back in her place, the strangest things started to happen.

I had a small stash of savings lined up that I like to refer to as the “F It Fund.” However, part of the deal with The Boss Man was that I was going to be taking unpaid leave. While paying for my apartment in Brooklyn. Those familiar with the rental market in New York City will feel my pain as I type this.

I had my apartment advertised for sublet but no fish were biting. Instead of panicking, I just accepted that if I didn’t find anyone to rent my place I would be fine. That’s what an emergency credit card is for. As the young kids say these days #YOLO!!

Again, once I had given up any attachment to outcome, three days before I was due to leave I had an email from the sublet agent. They had found someone last minute who wanted to rent my place for a month. Hallelujah!

After much victory dancing in the kitchen, I readied my place for these subletters. I trundled downstairs to check my mailbox only to find a bunch of checks that were overdue to me and I had given up hope of receiving. Taxi! JFK, pronto.

And so, the moral of this particular story is that sometimes in life you need to stop and listen to that little voice inside that’s desperately trying to get your attention. It’s trying to provide you with the wisdom to trust and follow your heart, not your head.

Following your heart does not necessarily have to involve grinding your life to a halt and taking six weeks off work to travel; that’s just my experience. It’s about listening within to whatever it is that your heart is telling you.

It may be telling you to work less and spend more time with your family. Or have more fun in life. Or cultivate more self-care by taking a yoga class on a regular basis, or even taking ten minutes of your day to sit quietly and just breathe.

Whatever it is, know that in doing so you are subtly making a change. It really doesn’t matter how small or how big.

Some people might go all out and create huge life changes, such as moving cities, ending a toxic relationship, or changing careers. Some might just choose to create more peace in their lives or remove a bad habit that no longer serves.

The point is that whatever you choose, if it is coming from your heart know that you will be supported throughout whether you realize it or not.

The end result might not look the way you anticipated or even have any resemblance to it. The universe works in mysterious ways, but will provide the best for you whether you like the outcome or not; after all, we are here to learn and evolve.

Just get out of your own way, let go of attachment to outcome, and simply allow.

Understand that this is a process and we are only human, so do the best you can. I chose to bat this little voice away time and time again, like a persistent fly, focusing instead on my job and generally trying to keep my head above water.

But that little voice kept getting louder and louder until it was a roar in my ear. “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? I’m not going to stop poking you until you stop and listen.”

Hands over my ears.

“Still not listening? What if I push you out onto the corner of Awful Circumstance Ave & Bad Luck Street until you are so stressed out that you have no choice but to hold up a white handkerchief and surrender yourself?”

It took me quite some time to finally concede, fully surrender, and accept that I had to make some big decisions, and from those decisions, big changes. But finally, cautiously, I stepped out of my comfort zone, peeking my head out much like a bear coming out of hibernation.

It may feel strange deciding to let that little voice take the reins of your life, even for a short while, and even incredibly terrifying, but so far it’s been the best decision I have made in quite some time.

Girl with heart image via Shutterstock

August 3, 2014
Why We Don’t Need to Try So Hard to Be Happy

“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang-Tse

Everywhere we turn these days we seem to be bombarded by it.

TV commercials try to lure you into buying their products on the promise they will give you it. Magazines scream it from the front pages via sultry images and sexy block titles. Gossip magazines practically have a mission statement that fame will guarantee it. Corporations equate money with it.

So what exactly is it? What’s this one common denominator that seems to be a worldwide obsession? Happiness!

There are thousands upon thousands of articles, seminars, webinars, TV shows, and more that try to teach us how to achieve it. How to be a happier you. How to make your family happy. And, not forgetting our furry friends: How to make your pet happier.

It’s as if happiness is some salient commodity that will come to us if we just. Try. Hard. Enough.

We are repeatedly told that it’s floating around out there in the world and that it can be ours. Just look at the model on the front cover of that magazine practically flaunting it with her beaming pearly white smile. Even Pharrell is in on the game and wants us to be HAPPY (and maybe do a little happy jig).

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been seeing these types of juicy promises for years and, quite literally, bought right into them. Sure, if I just [insert the blank] enough, I will be happy. Surely this begs the question, have we pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon?

Think about it, the purpose of all these happiness-promisers, when you scratch behind the surface, is more likely the pursuit of profit rather than the pursuit of happiness. There’s usually a reason they keep touting the wonders of this magic commodity—it sells!

People love to read about quick fixes, how-to’s, and how not-to’s and willingly part with their hard earned cash to learn these supposed secrets. Spoiler alert…there are no secrets!

If we choose to believe that what we as a collective species yearn for is just out of our grasp then will we keep hunting forever. Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at what happiness actually is and whether it really is attainable by following steps one, two, or three.

Is it even designed to be a constant state of being? Who really walks around all day with a huge grin plastered on their face without the aid of narcotic substances or a seriously deranged mindset?

The first mistake is believing that happiness is outside of us, and something that needs to be attained. It’s not. It’s a state of being, an emotion that can pass through us when we least expect it, usually when we aren’t paying it any attention.

It can creep up silently sometimes for just a few minutes at a time before it skulks away from whence it came. As humans, we have a myriad of emotions, and as women, add a few hundred more on top of that.

In just one day we can feel a sense of love, pain, loss, betrayal, jealousy, anger, or laughter. I don’t think that as humans we are designed to have one singular constant emotion; we are complicated creatures.

So why don’t you see the media touting other less fun emotions? Why don’t we see articles titled “20 Ways to Feel Sadder,” “How to Cultivate More Rage in Your Life,” or “How Not to Ugly Cry”? No one would buy it! So why should we buy into the idea that we should be happy all the time?

Some of my happiest moments have been unexpected. I find it’s usually when my brain is engaged in the flow of another activity I really enjoy that I feel a sudden sense of complete happiness.

Another happiness inducer for me is being out in nature. That makes me feel really happy.

There is no one-size-fits-all happiness inducer. It can vary from hanging out with your kids or your pets to a simple walk on the beach to cooking a family meal.

My point is that it is not something that you have to work toward in the future, for it is not obtained through external effort. It is within us and we carry the possibility of it within us at all times whether we realize it or not.

Once we understand that happiness is not something that we can buy, sell, trade, or exchange, we don’t need to worry so much when we have a bad day.

However, do pay attention when it’s a great day, a positive day. Be thankful for it and acknowledge it. That way, when the smiley face pops up again (and it will, for nothing accelerates the good stuff in life like gratitude does) you are aware of it, again and again.

It can even be a feeling that you start to look forward to, like a best friend popping over for a cup of tea and a chat. Understand and accept that the feeling is temporary but will return. After all, if you’re best friend popped over and announced she was going to be staying a while, like the rest-of-your-life-awhile you might not be so happy about that.

If we didn’t have the sad, cry-on-your-way-home days, how could we learn to really appreciate the fun, exciting days?

So, stop reaching, searching, and trying to buy your slice of happiness, as it’s not something that is out of your reach.

Know that, and next time you’re standing in line at the grocery store, don’t reach for the magazine promising you the Disney fairy tale happy ending. It doesn’t exist—it’s a fairy tale!

Instead, smile at the cashier and wish her a lovely day. You will make her day a little happier and in doing so, maybe some of that magic will rub off on you.

Photo by ferobanjo

July 1, 2014