Author: Sonya Derian

Being Present When Life Falls Apart

We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” ~Pema Chodron

Don’t run away from your fear, Pema says. Lean into it. This is her message.

It’s not the most popular or good feeling practice. Our natural tendency is to fight, flee, or freeze. We want to move away from what is uncomfortable. Get rid of it.

But she says, quite the contrary, move toward the places that scare you, that are most uncomfortable for you, and allow them to dissolve, to break apart, to open your heart.

This advice is almost opposite to what is popular in the new age arena. Get happy. Choose a different thought. Practice positive affirmations.

It is difficult.

But what do you do when you got laid off, or you lost a child, or you’re battling a terminal illness, or you don’t know how you’re going to pay your rent? How do you get through those times when you are in the thick of it with fear, dread, or worry?

Choose a different thought? Get happy? Practice positive affirmations?

Pema says no—you don’t do any of this. You lean into it. Let it inform you. Stay present. Experience your humanity. Find compassion in the midst of it. (more…)

January 26, 2011
Growing Pains: When Becoming Something New Feels Scary

“The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.” ~Barbara De Angelis

When we were kids, my dad used to measure us as we grew taller. On the back of the door of the laundry chute, he would keep track of me and my two sisters.

Every six months or so, he’d take out the ruler and lay it right on the top of our heads and mark the door. When we’d step away, we’d notice that we grew a few inches since the last time. Or, if we look at where we measured the previous year, we’d discover that we grew a full foot.

When did this growing take place? We didn’t feel it? And yet we were taller.

I think this is how it is supposed to feel. Effortless. Graceful. Easy.

But when we are stepping out in new arenas, it seems there is so much more to consider. There are financial risks and personal risks and relationship risks and emotional risks.

Right?

We are in the in-between. We are becoming someone we haven’t been before. We are living larger than we dared before.

It doesn’t feel so graceful.

When I first started producing teleseminars, I had to call high-profile speakers and ask them to be a part of our lineup. One of the first speakers I had to call had been on CNN and all the other news channels, and she was represented by a publicist in New York.

We were a “nobody.” But we wanted her on our line up to give us credibility. And I had to somehow project that we were bigger than we were to get her on our show. I remember looking at this publicist’s number on my computer screen and having to talk myself into making the call.

I hadn’t done this before. What kind of questions might she ask? I didn’t know what I needed to be prepared for. I wrote myself a script of exactly my pitch, what I would say when she answered the phone.

Projecting confidence, I made it through my first call. I got her answering machine. I left her a message and followed up with an email. (more…)

January 17, 2011
When to Go with the Flow & When to Expand Your Comfort Zone

“Be bold, be bold, and everywhere be bold.” ~Herbert Spencer

I’m actually much more of a proponent of “going with the flow” then going against it. And sometimes forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do can be considered going against the flow.

But I do that for a different reason, and not everyone would agree.

I have two schools of thought. On the one hand, expansion is inevitable. We’re always called to become more than we are in life. It’s the nature of being human.

On the other hand, there’s something called “homeostasis.” Like a thermostat that’s set to a certain temperature, it will always self-regulate. If it gets too hot, the air will kick in to bring it to a cooler temperature. If it gets too cold, it will start flowing hot air. Whatever the gauge is set to, the thermostat will regulate.

Similarly, there’s an unconscious process within us that self-regulates. We have relationship set points, money set points, and weight set points. We have comfort zones—sometimes ones that we’re completely unaware of.

That’s why people who win the lottery can go back to being at the same level of income or bankrupt in less than six years. Their unconscious financial set point didn’t change because they won a million dollars.

Like the thermostat programmed to monitor the gauge, their unconscious thermostat brought them back to where they were comfortable. They can win millions and within years, they are back to where they started.

I suspect that if you redistributed the wealth in the country and equalized it among all people, it would re-distribute exactly the same way within three years, according to people’s set points.

I say all of that to say this: Yes, expansion is our nature, but we also come up against our own homeostasis—our own comfort zone. We don’t want to move out of what we know. (more…)

January 10, 2011
Why It’s Hard to Trust Our Instincts and How to Start

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~Benjamin Spock

I was talking to a friend of mine a couple weeks ago. I was telling her how I always know when it’s time for me to move. She asked me, “How do you know? What makes you aware that you ‘know’ this?”

It was a reasonable question: What is the actual sign that indicates that you “know” to do anything?

“You just know,” I told her.

“But how?” she asked, curiously.

I didn’t really have a good answer for her at the time, but it stuck with me.

After thinking about it for awhile, I realized it’s not in the “knowing” that we get stuck. We always know. It’s in how well we trust what we know, and whether we’re willing to trust it enough to act upon it.

So, how do you know that you “know” something?

Well, let me ask you this: How did you know that you were going to marry the person you married, or take the job you were offered, or go see the new doctor you read about?

What made you decide that this was the right decision for you? What made you “know” that the house you bought was the right one for you or the apartment you chose to rent was the perfect spot for you?

It’s intangible, isn’t it? It’s a feeling. You know, and then you “know” that you know. (more…)

August 17, 2010
How to Experience True Freedom to Live a Life with Fewer Limits

“I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I don’t know about anyone else, but sometimes I can be a prisoner to my own thoughts and forget that I have the freedom to choose. Choose a different thought. Choose a different experience. Choose a different interpretation.

I remember having a coach that used to listen to me rant. I would be sure I was the victim of something that was happening to me, and I would tell her all about it expecting sympathy.

She would listen patiently and then say, “Yeah? And what’s another way you could look at it?” I would pause to come up with some different interpretation. And then she would say, “Good. And what’s another way you could look at it?”

I would really have to stretch, because I was sure that the first way I told her was the only way it happened.

Her point, of course, was that there are a number of ways you can interpret things. And we have to watch our stores—the stories we tell ourselves. (more…)

August 3, 2010
On Perfect Timing: When Things Aren’t Happening Fast Enough

“After winter comes the summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.” ~Samuel Rutherford

I was talking to someone this week about his feeling that things weren’t happening fast enough. That with all he was doing, intending, and putting out there more should be happening, and faster.

My question to him was, “Really? Should things really be happening faster? Or are you exactly where you’re supposed to be?”

We have a tendency to think we have it all figured out. When it should happen, how it should happen, who it should happen with—and before it’s “too late.”

We are powerful creators in life, but the truth is, we’re not in this alone. There are other forces at play, and for the most part, to our benefit.

Have you ever had something occur in your life that you had wished for years earlier, only to realize that now was the perfect timing? That in fact, you wouldn’t have been ready for it any earlier? That in retrospect, everything was leading up to the perfect moment of this unfolding? (more…)

July 25, 2010
Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: 5 Tips to Feel at Ease with Decisions

“Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” ~Unknown

A reader recently wrote to me:

“I struggle with making decisions and always second-guess myself… I recently had to make a decision about something and after giving it a lot of thought, I decided. Now, months later, my decision is eating me up and I can’t stop thinking I made the wrong decision. So I guess my point is once you decide, how do you stop yourself from second guessing?”

I know I’ve been there, having made a decision I not only second-guessed but wish I hadn’t made and couldn’t take back.

I think there are two parts to each of us: who we are day to day, and who we are in our broader intentions. Second-guessing comes when the smaller part—the one that is at the effect of everything—is afraid of the greater part that’s forging a new way.

When we make any decision, for better or for worse, we effect change. And sometimes it’s scary to be responsible for the change we effect. That’s why I love the saying. “Make a decision. And then make the decision right.” (more…)

July 15, 2010
Create Your Own Happiness: Make Feeling Good Your New Religion

“If you’re happy, if you’re feeling good, then nothing else matters.” ~Robin Wright

I have this morning ritual: I sit in my living room and write down all the things I love about my life. It’s not really that elaborate. My list is usually quite simple.

This morning I wrote about how much I love my new accountant, how grateful I was that the sun came out today, how good it felt to be sore from the yoga class the day before, and how much I enjoy watching my dog play with her toy.

I do this because I know that what you focus on grows, so why not focus on growing the parts of life that I love?

I once had a teacher who would always tell me, when faced with a decision, “choose life.” I took this to mean: make the decision in the direction of expansion, creativity, joy—life.

In my morning ritual, after writing everything I love about my life, after I’ve gotten into a juicy state of appreciation, I then direct the energy forward by writing what I want in my life.

It might be limited traffic if I’m going to be on the road that day, or gaining clarity on something I need an answer to. Or it might be inspiration for a project I’m working on or money flowing to pay my taxes.

Or it might be something more universal—I want the Haitians to have shelter and a roof covering their heads before the monsoon.

We are so conditioned to be at the effect of our lives that we often forget the power we wield to be the cause. Sometimes the simple act of stating what we want begins the process of creating that end. This is why making a decision is so powerful. (more…)

June 9, 2010
On Starting Over Simply: When It’s Time to Take on Something New

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

Ever since my birthday in December, I’ve been changing things up. I think it’s good once in a while to take inventory and make new decisions.

You don’t always have to analyze why you decided to do something or where you went wrong or where it all started. Sometimes, you can just stand where you are, decide you want something different, and then do something about it.

I realized in doing this, even though change can be scary, it can sometimes feel downright refreshing!

The thing we sometimes don’t realize is how in charge of our lives we really are. We think change has to come from the outside—that we have to be the recipients of change. Something needs to happen to us before do something about it.

You have to lose weight because your blood pressure is too high. You have to look for a new job because you got laid off. You have to move because your job requires it.

But what if you initiated the change in your life because it was simply time?

Time to get in shape. Time to earn a living that makes you happy. Time to follow that passion you’ve kept buried for so long. Time to eat healthier. Time to wake up earlier. Time to get out there socially. Time to overcome a fear that has been inhibiting us from living fully.

What if it was simply time to start making some new decisions?

This weekend I decided it was time to upgrade my wardrobe. I invited a friend who appeared to know how to dress beautifully and cost effectively, to help me shop.

Not really following the trends, myself, and consistently picking the same boring wear, year after year, I promised her that I would let her pick out the clothing and that I would keep an open mind. I sat in the dressing room while she brought me jeans, blouses, jackets, dresses, and skirts in all styles I would never (ever) choose for myself.

“I would never wear that in a million years,” I would say about the fluffy blouse on the hanger.

“Humor me,” she’d say, “and try it on.”

“I could never wear this out,” I would tell her looking in the mirror at the skirt.

“Really?” she’d look at me. “Why not?”

And what it came down to was this: I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in a new look. Uncomfortable in feminine clothing. Uncomfortable to be caught dead in anything different than I was used to.

But after enough of “humoring” her chosen styles, I actually came to appreciate the new look. After discovering new ways of layering, mixing and matching, and getting comfortable with simply being uncomfortable, I became oddly satisfied.

I was finally braving a new wardrobe!

And then came the real test: When we returned to my place she looked at my closet and said, “Okay, now we need to make room for this clothing. Mind if I get rid of some of this old stuff?”

I watched as she threw out my longtime favorite turtleneck (“too boxy,” she said), my well-worn clogs (“these have seen their day”), my new sweater (“this does nothing for your figure”), my crocheted sweater (“it’s grandma clothing”), while the pile kept building on the floor.

To ease my discomfort she said, “These are just my suggestions. You can keep what you want.” But I knew she was right. It was time. And so, before having the day to change my mind, I bagged up the old clothing and got it ready to donate.

There’s something refreshing about taking on a new look or a new challenge or a new habit. There is a feeling of empowerment that comes from making a new decision.

Because the thing is, you are not just taking on the new activity. You are taking on your life. You are deciding to be the one in charge.

I say in 30 Ways to Live Out Loud, “We are not victims of circumstances. We are victors of circumstances.” And isn’t this a better place to be?

This same weekend of changing out my wardrobe, I got an email from my sister in LA. She tells me there is a thirteen-mile marathon happening in Healdsburg that I should look into. I don’t run. I haven’t run in years. But I checked it out.

It’s the most beautiful time of year on the most scenic route in the wine country. How could I not participate?

So I signed up. And I signed her up. Because now I have a good excuse to get into shape and hang out with my sister.

Starting over doesn’t have to be difficult. It can be immediate and adventurous and exciting. It can be intoxicating and exhilarating and fun.

And it can be all of these things starting with just one decision. Just one.

Have fun with it. Let it work for you. Decide what isn’t working. Make a new decision. Begin again.

Or said another way: Discover. Create. Play. And then discover once more.

Photo by jenny downing

May 28, 2010
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: An Alternative to Competing with People

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

We all do it or have done it at some point in our lives: We compare ourselves to others and gauge where we are based on what we observe them to be doing.

If this was simply an observation, that would be one thing. But in comparing ourselves to others, we often end up judging ourselves. There’s no one worse to judge!

If you have ever noticed, it doesn’t matter how many people are on your side, cheering you on. If you can’t get on your own side, you never get past “go.”

The thing about comparison is that there is never a win. How often do we compare ourselves with someone less fortunate than us and consider ourselves blessed? More often, we compare ourselves with someone who we perceive as being, having, or doing more.

And this just leaves us coming up short.

But our minds do want to quantify. Our minds want to rank and file and organize information. Our mind wants to know where we fit into the scheme of things. So we need to give it something to do. (more…)

May 18, 2010
The Halfhearted Yes: Why We Don’t Say No and How to Start

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” ~Gandhi

I was having dinner with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago when I asked her about a group she was considering joining. I wanted to know how it was going and what she decided.

“You know,” she said, “I realized after the first group that I’m not that passionate about it. So, I’m not going to do it. I’d rather make my time available for something that matters more to me.”

Aside from this being a healthy choice, it was also a very conscious and deliberate choice. She chose in the direction of her passion.

How many of us take what is handed to us, follow what is put in front of us, or say yes to things that don’t really align with who we are or what we want in our lives?

I’m a huge fan of the word yes. (more…)

April 30, 2010
Why You Should Prosper Even Though There’s Suffering in the World

I write a newsletter every week, and last month a subscriber emailed me with a question I thought was worth exploring.

… I guess what I’m getting at is if everyone had a choice, treating sewage would be the last thing one would want to do. Isn’t it? Well, yes, I’m making that judgment. If everyone was Wayne Dyer or that money guru lady Suze Orman, we’d all be reaching fantasy levels of achievement. That is what they seem to be proposing is possible.

But someone still has to take out the trash. If we’re all living big, then who’s taking care of the landfills? I guess we could all be having wonderfully luxurious lives but chip in on the dirty stuff sometimes? Like volunteer, or Adopt-A-Highway kind of stuff.

Then a boy in Iraq gets his arms and legs blown off and I’m supposed to be like “Yahoo, I’m living big???”….. uh? This is my ‘resistance,’ isn’t it?… Anyway, there is a topic here. Anything to help me feel better about living big while others suffer…

It’s a big question: If there are others suffering in the world, what right do I have to think about myself or my lofty goals? What right do I have to consider more for myself when there are others who can’t even feed themselves, literally or figuratively?

I’ll begin with a quote from Marianne Williamson who talks in her book The Age of Miracles about the Butterfly Effect (based in Chaos Theory):

“When a butterfly flaps its wings near the tip of South America, it affects the wind patterns near the North Pole. And the same is true in the realm of consciousness: Every miracle you work in your life is a blessing on life itself.” (more…)

March 9, 2010
8 Ways to Increase Your Joy Factor

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

When I lived in Santa Monica a few years back, I developed a friendship with a woman I learned a lot from. She was a yogini, writer, and actress.

One day she asked if I wanted to take a ride to her dentist’s office with her. She said it was fifteen minutes away but would take forty-five minutes to get there. Noticing the difference in the times, I asked the obvious question.

“Oh,” she said, “I always take the scenic route.”

Abraham Hicks said, “Reduce your workload by 30% and increase your fun load by 30% and you will increase your revenues by 100%. And you will increase your productivity by 10,000% (If there could be such a percentage). More fun, less struggle—more results on all fronts.”

My friend did this well. She always opted for the scenic route. It didn’t matter where we were going; she found a way to make it magical and fun.

Whether it was a meet-up for Banana Creme Pie at Babalu’s on Montana or an outing with our notebooks on the beach in Malibu, our lives were special today, no matter where we were hoping to get to tomorrow.

We think that it’s not until we get “there” that we can begin to enjoy what we have, but the basic premise of law of attraction is that what we focus on grows. So, wouldn’t we want to enhance that part of our life that we really want?

The only reason we want anything in our lives—more money, more freedom, more love, more friendships— is that we think we’ll experience more joy if we have those things. So, why not make the choice to experience more joy now? (more…)

February 12, 2010
Live Your Life Out Loud: 30 Ways to Get Started

“If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I will tell you, I came to live out LOUD.” ~Émile Zola

1. Live your life on purpose.

Not on “default.” Be Proactive. Make conscious and deliberate choices. When you don’t choose, circumstances choose for you and you are never leading: you are following or catching up—or worse, living in “default” mode.

2. Utilize your full potential.

Give what you’re doing your best and fullest attention. Be here now. Even if you’re not where you want to be, giving it half your effort doesn’t move you forward. Master what you have at hand, for the sake of mastering it, and something will shift.

3. Overcome your fear.

Get out of your comfort zone. Find out you have a pulse. Let something give you butterflies in your stomach. This is how you know you’re alive—how you grow into something new. Every fear overcome is a freedom gained. Don’t know how to overcome fear? Do the thing you’re afraid of. Cross them off the list. Make it a game. Pretty soon, you will be invincible.

4. Discover a new talent.

One of my favorite quotes by Martha Grimes is, “We don’t know who we are until we see what we can do.” But we don’t find this out until we try something new.

Learn a new instrument, take an art class, play with a digital camera, sign up for a salsa class, take up cooking, plant a garden, join toastmasters, pick up a needle and thread, try mountain climbing, go scuba diving, camping, or kayaking. Find something that interests you and explore it. You never know what will come out of it. (more…)

January 27, 2010
What Holds People Back from Doing What They Want

“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin.” ~Unknown

I’ve spoken with a number of people recently who are doing something that is “just okay” with their lives but who really want to be doing something else. They feel an urgency to break free and go for it, even though they haven’t defined “it.”

I think a lot of people, if not currently there, understand this. It’s in our nature to move toward greater expression. When we’re not moving in a forward direction, we question ourselves, wondering what we’re doing with our lives—and what we’re waiting for.

And yet nothing changes.

Part of the issue is knowing where to start. The other part is fear of the unknown. Both can prevent you from committing. (more…)

January 20, 2010
On Getting Started When You Don’t Feel Ready

“Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take the action. Take the action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

A few months ago I challenged myself with Adventure Boot Camp. I thought, “What would be more challenging than waking up at five in the morning and working out with a group of ladies for an hour, four days a week?”

And I have to say, it was tough! I couldn’t walk for three days.

But as the days progressed and my muscles acclimated, it occurred to me: I’m someone who can roll out of bed at five in the morning, and within a half hour, lift eight-pound weights over my head while jogging a track. I didn’t know that I could do that!

That’s the thing about taking an action. You don’t know that you can do it until you do it. And then you become someone who does it. (more…)

January 4, 2010
5 Ways to Let Go of Resistance

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently I was on a phone call with Brad Yates. Although I know this to be true, when he said it, it made me reflect again. He said (and I’m paraphrasing):

“To the extent that we are not living our lives exactly as we want—with the love and friendships we want, the abundance we want, and the happiness we are seeking—it’s to that extent we are resisting it.”

It’s that word again: resistance. What does it mean? What do we do about it?

Essentially, resistance is any thought, belief, or behavior, either conscious or unconscious, that stands contrary to our desire. On the surface, we can be doing positive affirmations, creative visualizations, and imagining our success. But in the end, we get what we expect. Every single time.

Sometimes it can be as simple as not believing that you can have what you want. That way of thinking places limitations on what is possible for you. You are restricting what could be with what you think will be. And you end up getting what you expect.

Your consciousness is a powerful tool. If you don’t believe you can have the thing you desire, it shows up as resistance, despite all the things you are doing to achieve your goals.

Okay, so, what to do about it?

Live in the possibility rather than the probability. (more…)

December 27, 2009
Lessons on the Trapeze: the Art of Making Things Happen

“Never ignore a gut feeling. But never believe it’s enough.” ~Robert Heller

A couple months ago, when I was almost done producing a teleseminar and spending way too much time hunched over at the computer, I decided to do something different. Something that would bring me joy, that would get take me out of my normal environment and actually excite me.

So, I did what had been on my list to do for a long time: I went flying.

I didn’t know what to expect making the forty-five minute trek out to the Sonoma County hills to fly on a trapeze. I just knew I had been wanting to do it for a while and it was closer than then the outfit I’d been considering in Texas (which was also outdoors).

I also knew I had to go because just the thought of flying through the trees excited me more than anything I had done in a really long time.

I made the trek by myself because no one wanted to join me and I figured why wait? I was greeted by, what I learned, was a core group of women who met there every weekend.

One of the women who was in her seventies comes as often as she can. She was flying through the sky doing twists without a harness. (She got her pilot’s license in her sixties, which gives you a clue about her!)

Another woman was a single mom who came with her son every weekend and made this her retreat. (more…)

December 22, 2009