Author: Sonya Barrett

How to Stop Feeling Consumed by Your Fear of Being Alone

“Pain makes you stronger. Fear makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser.” ~Unknown

You wake up and check your phone, expecting a “good morning” text, but there’s nothing there. Going through your day, everything feels quieter, and there’s a gaping hole inside of you that nothing seems to fill. No matter what you do, you can’t seem to shake that relentless ache for the one person who consumes your mind.

It’s an emptiness that makes you feel lost and scared.

There’s nothing quite like a breakup to spark fears of being alone. It’s like a wave of dread that hits you once the breakup dust settles and you realize you no longer have a partner by your side. Anxiety hits, and you start to wonder if you’ll ever find anyone to love you again.

It’s a fear that I became very familiar with while dating in my early twenties.

I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships. I never had a high school sweetheart, or even a college one for that matter, and spent half of my twenties in frustratingly casual relationships.

Those relationships would fizzle out almost as quickly as they began, and every time, I was left heartbroken, wondering if I’d be alone forever.

What made it worse was that I would see my friends in happy, committed relationships and doubt that I would ever have that for myself. Spending most of my life single felt like a curse.

Then, after countless short flings, I met someone who would eventually become my boyfriend. It was a moment I had been waiting for all those years, yet it wasn’t what I expected.

I thought being in a relationship would bring me happiness and peace, but once I had the serious, committed relationship I had been yearning for, I realized I was only masking my loneliness under a false sense of security. Because being with someone who was not right for me felt equally lonely.

So now that I’m single again after ending that five-year relationship, I have a new perspective on my feelings of loneliness and fear.

While I don’t have all of the answers and everyone has different ways of coping, here are some things that helped me overcome my fear of being alone after a breakup.

Lean on others for support.

A breakup can feel a lot like losing your balance. The person you once relied on for support has been pulled out from under you, and it can be difficult to find your footing.

Those feelings of loss only exacerbate the feelings of loneliness.

However, if you look around, you’ll most likely find that there are people in your life who are just as supportive (if not more) as your ex-partner.

After my breakup, the first people I turned to were my friends. They were my shoulder to cry on, and I could talk to them about anything and everything.

Even though I wasn’t communicating with them as often as I should have during my last relationship, when that ended, they were right by my side without hesitation.

Understand that being single doesn’t mean you’re alone.

Almost everyone has at least one person they can turn to in times of need, so turn to friends, family, or whoever you feel comfortable opening up to so that you can vent, cry, yell, and express your emotions freely, without inhibition.

If there’s no one in your life you can lean on, maybe this is a good time to work on building a support network outside of a romantic relationship by putting yourself in new situations and opening up to new friends. This way, being single won’t feel so scary because you’ll know you’re never truly alone.

Embrace being single.

Do you look at your breakup as just an ending or also a new beginning?

If you view the change in your relationship status as a loss and nothing else, then, chances are, you also view being single as a negative, which allows your loneliness and sadness to get the better of you.

Sure, you lost a partner, and the heartbreak that comes with it takes time to heal, but you can choose how you perceive the breakup and the experience of being single.

So shift your perspective and focus on the positives by using this time as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself.

During a relationship, many people end up mirroring a lot of their partners’ habits, likes, and dislikes, losing their sense of self in the process. It happens to the best of us.

The end of a relationship is the perfect opportunity to reevaluate all of those interests and passions to see what is truly yours.

Think about it: You no longer have to consider the thoughts, feelings, and needs of another person, which means you can finally focus on you and you alone.

So embrace it.

Having the time and space to focus on your own needs is extremely important for growth and happiness. That way, you can develop a stronger sense of who you are, which will help you find a partner who is a better fit in the future.

Life’s ups and downs are all about perspective, and breakups are no different.

Get out of your head.

Oftentimes we overthink and overanalyze during times of stress and anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle that only perpetuates toxic thoughts and keeps us chained to the past. In order to move forward, you need to physically get moving.

Immerse yourself in activities that pull you out of your mind so that you’re less apt to dwell. Find things to do that disrupt your negative thought patterns so that you’re not constantly falling into a pit of fear and sadness. Exercise, take up a new hobby, do something creative, start a new passion project—anything to get you engaged with the physical world.

Focus on the world around you, practice gratitude, and be mindful of your thoughts and how they’re shaping your perspective of the world.

While you can’t completely avoid the feelings of loneliness, particularly during those quiet moments late at night and early in the morning, moving your body and taking action can make the transition from relationship to single life that much easier.

In turn, it will also ease those fears of being alone.

Relearn how to do things alone.

Having a partner in crime can be fun, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also have fun doing things alone.

There’s a certain level of empowerment that comes from doing an activity by yourself. It takes confidence and forces you into independence, both of which many of us could use more of.

So revisit old activities you used to only do with your partner and try doing them on your own. Find brand new activities to try out by yourself as well.

After my breakup, I made an effort to do things I was too scared to do without a partner. I started with little things like going to restaurants by myself. Then I moved on to other activities like touring museums, relaxing on the beach, and visiting local sites in my city.

The biggest activity I took part in was going on vacation by myself. I drove two hours away to spend a few days in a town I had never been to, which pushed me past my fears of tackling the unknown on my own.

While all of these activities were terrifying at first, they taught me that I don’t need a partner to do the things I want to do. And it was empowering to know that I am capable of doing things by myself.

At first, it may be a little scary to go it alone, but pay attention to how you feel after. You may not feel better after the first time you do it, but after regular practice, you may find that you feel stronger and more confident as a result.

Practice self-care habits.

Going through the pain of a breakup requires space to heal, so use this time for introspective self-care.

Find practices and activities that add more peace and mindfulness to your daily life. You can do that through a meditation practice to clear your head and calm any anxiety you may be feeling, or you can start journaling and get your feelings down on paper.

Other self-care habits include having a spa day, exercising, practicing healthy eating, and getting proper sleep.

The point is to be a little selfish and focus on yourself and your needs. When you do the activities listed above, listen to what’s going on in your body and mind—thoughts, emotions, aches, pains, and all.

It’s not easy, but facing your issues head-on will enable you to heal the wounds of the past so you don’t repeat damaging relationship patterns in the future.

It’s Worth Waiting for the Right Person

The last thing you want to do is enter into a new relationship simply because you’re scared of the alternative.

Fear can lead to desperation, which can cloud your judgment and push you toward decisions you wouldn’t make in the right state of mind. It’s in moments of desperation that we end up choosing the wrong partner and settling for less than we deserve.

It isn’t easy to embrace the single life when you’re afraid of being alone, but it’s all about perspective. Rather than allow your fears to back you into a corner and swallow you whole, challenge them by recognizing the opportunities in front of you.

You just may realize that being alone isn’t so bad because it gives you a chance to explore yourself and put your best foot forward when you are actually ready for love.

After all, is it not better to be single than to be driven by fear into the arms of the wrong person?

August 29, 2019
Being Shy Made Me Strong, and It Can Do the Same for You

“Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak.” ~Unknown

This quote seems counterintuitive, right?

For many years, I, too, scoffed at the idea.

Having dealt with crippling shyness throughout my life, I know firsthand what it’s like to feel weak, powerless, and trapped because of it.

As a child, I remember clinging to my mom’s leg and using her body to hide from strangers. Then, as I got older, this shy behavior manifested into a fear of speaking my mind, interacting with others, putting myself out there, and so on and so forth.

My quiet and timid nature led to me being known as “the shy girl,” a label that followed me through my formative years and made me feel stuck inside a box of limitations throughout my adult life.

During these years, my shyness did nothing but hold me back from being who I wanted to be. It felt like a dark cloud hanging over me, and I couldn’t escape.

Until, one day, I realized that being shy got me nowhere. I was living a life of loneliness and fear where I had no close friends, no social life, and no happiness.

I refused to allow myself to fall victim to being shy. So I chose to do something about it.

Looking back, it’s been a long road to get where I am today, but I can honestly say that I’m a stronger person because of what I went through as a result of all of it. I’m thankful I went through the challenges that come with being a shy person because it forced me to make a choice: shrink or grow.

So if you, too, are dealing with debilitating shyness, here are some things that may help.

Challenge yourself.

Feeling stuck? Then it’s time to shake things up.

If you’re extremely shy then, chances are, you’re scared to put yourself out there. And why would you? Especially when your comfort zone is just so comfortable.

I know what that’s like because I’ve been there myself. It’s easier to live your life within the confines of what’s familiar because there are no risks and no surprises. But there’s also nothing to be gained from an unchallenged life.

From a young age, I recognized that my big ambitions were tethered on a short leash because of my shy nature. I was never going to reach any of my goals if I kept living my life in fear. And that thought alone scared me more than the thought of putting myself out there.

For that reason, I saw my transition from middle school student to high school freshman as an opportunity for a fresh start. I knew I wanted to do something I never had the guts to do before.

So I decided to take a theater class offered by my school. I saw it as the perfect challenge because, not only was it completely out of character, the mere thought of performing on stage terrified me.

What better way to help me break out of my shell than taking a class that involves speaking in front of an audience?

Skipping ahead to my first performance, I remember my face being beet red, my palms were sweaty, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my anxiety was through the roof. I was in fight-or-flight mode and, and while I would normally choose flight, this time I was determined to fight throughout.

At the end of the performance, I felt an amazing rush. It didn’t matter how I did or what people thought. All that mattered is that I pushed through my fears and did it.

I saw this as a huge victory in the battle against my shyness.

So if you want to take a step toward overcoming your shyness, then it’s time to step outside of your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Think of an activity you’ve always wanted to do but never had the guts to try and start there.

It’s terrifying, and chances are you’ll second-guess yourself throughout the entire process, but what you feel once you get through it will make all of the anxiety worth it in the end.

Don’t give up.

While theater classes helped me learn to face some of the challenges that came with my shyness, it wasn’t until college where I really broke out of my shell.

As you can probably imagine, social situations were a nightmare for me because of how shy I was around others. I didn’t know how to connect with people and, more importantly, I was scared to try.

My life up to this point consisted of a nonexistent social life and friends who were mostly just classmates or acquaintances.

However, that changed when I took a job at a local restaurant.

At first, I despised the job. Everyone seemed so close and I felt like I didn’t fit in, which is why, within the first week, I wanted nothing more than to give up and quit

All of my life I’ve felt like an outsider, so I assumed that this would be no different. Despite that feeling, though, something told me that I needed to stick it out and stay.

So I did. And it paid off.

Over the next few months, I became more comfortable talking to my coworkers, which turned into spending time together on lunch breaks and then getting together after work hours. Pretty soon, these people who were once nothing more than strangers to me became the friends I had longed for throughout my life.

Because I stuck it out and pushed through the discomfort and fear, I was no longer an outsider and I loved my job. It was a complete 180 from where I was when I first started working there, and all it took was patience and effort.

This experience taught me that anything worth having takes persistence. A self-defeating attitude will only keep you trapped within the limitations of your shy tendencies.

If I had given up, I would have never met the people who became my closest friends, and still are more than a decade later.

So when the going gets tough, dig deep and push through it. Changing a pattern like shyness is no easy task, but if you don’t give up, you could end up with something amazing.

Practice makes perfect.

Change doesn’t happen overnight.

In order to break away from your shy tendencies, you need to do more of what gets you out of your comfort zone.

For me, that’s socializing.

Because of my shy, introverted nature, I’m typically more comfortable being by myself and, as a result, I tend to withdraw from others.

Yet, despite those tendencies, deep down, I’ve always wanted to be a social person, somebody who’s confident in social situations and has no problem approaching people.

So I decided that I was going to practice.

Coincidentally, all of this took place after my twenty-first birthday, so the nights out on the town with my friends became a way for me to practice my social skills.

I’ll admit, at first I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable. In the presence of large crowds, I would typically shrink down and avoid talking to others. Because these skills didn’t come naturally for me, it took some time for me to break away from those habits, but eventually, I did.

I continued to push myself to talk to strangers whenever I would go out with my friends. Granted, this was a lot easier considering that the people I spoke to were typically a few drinks in, but it still did the job.

Pretty soon, the thought of approaching someone and having a conversation wasn’t as scary as it once was in the past. In fact, I actually started to enjoy it.

I like to think of social skills like a muscle in the body. It may start out weak and exercising it can be painful, but the more you work out that muscle, the more it grows and the easier the exercise gets.

Shyness can be debilitating if you let it take over your life. So practice socializing, having conversations, approaching people and anything else your shyness holds you back from doing. While it can seem impossible to overcome at times, with practice, you can come out on top.

If I can do it, you can too.

After spending most of my life feeling like a victim to my shyness, I now appreciate that it made me stronger. That’s because, as a shy person, it takes so much more effort and energy to put yourself out there. It’s going against familiar habits and causing friction that, hopefully, results in change.

It’s easy to succumb to shyness, to stay within your comfort zone, and to be controlled by fear. And anyone who has pushed through and challenged those tendencies in order to live a fulfilled life knows that it takes a tremendous amount of work. It’s a constant uphill battle, but it does get easier if you’re willing to push through.

So challenge yourself, don’t give up and practice.

It’s time to own your shyness instead of letting it own you.

August 1, 2019
How to Accept That It’s Time to Break Up

“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

I knew it was over and yet I stayed.

In my eyes, my relationship had run its course. I was fed up, tired, and emotionally drained, but I couldn’t get myself to pull the trigger. I didn’t know how to go through with it.

Because this was my first serious relationship, everything was new to me, including breaking up. He was my first love. We lived together, built a life together, and now I was throwing a wrench into all of our bright plans for the future.

After being with each other for over five years, our relationship had seen its ups and downs (as most relationships do). By that point, though, the honeymoon phase was a distant memory and our interactions with each other had devolved into petty fights, low blows, and toxic behavior.

I was lost, confused, and unhappy, until finally it hit me:

We weren’t right for each other.

Simple as that.

But still, I waited. For six months, in fact, until I reached a point when I couldn’t take it anymore.

That day, I sat my boyfriend down and told him exactly how I felt and that I was done. Through protests and tears, he packed a bag and moved to his mom’s house until I could figure out a different living situation.

The separation didn’t last long though.

I thought I’d be relieved to finally go through with the breakup, but my boyfriend’s reaction made me second-guess myself. I’d assumed that he was as fed up as I was with our relationship and, when I realized he wasn’t, the doubt crept in and I was even more confused than before.

So we tried again. This time, going to therapy with the hopes of working through our problems, but that didn’t work either.

A few months later (nearly a year after I realized that I wanted to break up in the first place), my boyfriend and I finally ended things for good.

I was left looking back at my relationship and wondering:

How could I have put myself through that? Why did I stay as long as I did? What would I do differently if I were to do it again?

Here’s what I wish I knew at the time.

1. Accept your feelings as valid.

It’s easy to get lost in your relationship and sacrifice your needs for the sake of your partner’s. That’s exactly what I did.

Instead of listening to my feelings and breaking up with my boyfriend, as I should have done, I doubted myself. Even when every fiber of my being was telling me “it’s time,” I held back and made excuses.

I was so worried my feelings could be wrong or temporary, and that I couldn’t trust myself. Could I be making a huge mistake I’d regret down the road?

Then I would think about my boyfriend’s feelings—how I was causing him pain and making him suffer. So why wouldn’t it be better to stick it out for his sake?

These anxious thoughts running through my head did nothing but keep me trapped in a cycle of fear, pain, anger, and frustration.

The bottom line was that I was unhappy. And I knew, somewhere deep inside, this wasn’t going to change.

After years of putting my feelings on the back burner, it was a hard reality to accept. But going through this process made me realize that I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone I simply wasn’t happy with. It wasn’t fair to him or to me, and it left us both feeling miserable.

Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and put yourself first, and ending a relationship is one of those circumstances.

You also have to push through the fear that you may be making a mistake and trust that you truly do know what’s best for you. That doesn’t mean you’ll find someone else right away or you’ll never feel lonely when you’re single. It just means you know this particular relationship isn’t right for you, and it’s better to be with no one than the wrong one.

It may be difficult, but, through my own personal experience, I’ve found that the initial feelings I had a year before my official breakup are how I feel to this day. If I had listened then, I would have saved myself a great deal of trouble.

So if you’re struggling with the idea of a breakup, take a step back and focus on yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and write down exactly how you feel without holding anything back.

It can be scary to face the facts, but if the same feelings pop up time and time again, then it’s time to listen. Your gut is trying to tell you something.

2. Focus on the now.

When the bad times outweigh the good, something needs to change.

My boyfriend and I shared a lot of good times together throughout the years. When we weren’t fighting about something, I thoroughly enjoyed his company and cherished the rare moments of peace we had together.

Even though the good moments in my relationship were far and few between, I would cling to those moments to justify my staying. Just when I thought I’d had enough and felt clear about my decision to leave, I would remember those happier times and my mind would instantly become clouded.

I idealized what our relationship once was instead of looking at it from the present circumstances. And the fact of the matter was that there wasn’t enough good to outweigh the bad.

So I made the decision to focus on the now.

Instead of allowing the past to creep in and fill me with doubt, I needed to face the facts and look at where my relationship was at that point in time. Doing so helped me pull away from my tendency to idealize the past and helped me move toward accepting the breakup for it what it was.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, shift your focus to the present. Think about where your relationship is currently and how you feel about it in the moment.

3. Create actionable plans for the future.

Fear was my biggest enemy during my breakup. I was absolutely terrified of what the future had in store.

Over the years, my boyfriend had become a crutch for me to rely on. We had developed an unhealthy level of codependency that was difficult for me to pull away from, mostly due to worries I had about being on my own and navigating life without a partner by my side.

The uncertainty of the future, while exciting for some, left me frozen with terror.

Will I be able to make it on my own? Will I be able to adapt? Where will I live? Will I ever find love again? Am I making a mistake?

Questions like these ran through my mind on a loop, filling me with anxiety that left me feeling trapped.

It wasn’t until I created a concrete plan that I was able to gain the confidence to finally take the necessary steps toward independence.

To combat the overwhelming list of tasks involved in breaking up, I broke my massive to-do list down into smaller, actionable steps.

For example, because I was living with my boyfriend at the time, I needed to find a new place to live. The first step was to figure out where I wanted to live and how much I wanted to spend. Then I needed to devote time to looking at listings and viewing apartments. Once I found a place, then I could shift my attention to packing and so on and so forth.

Breaking tasks down into smaller steps allowed me to focus on one thing at a time, which, in turn, gave me the confidence to move from paralysis to action.

So if you find that the thought of a breakup is too overwhelming, write everything you need to do down onto a piece of paper. Then break those tasks down into smaller steps so that it becomes less intimidating.

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The road to accepting a breakup can be a long one. When worries, fears and doubts creep in, change can be that much more difficult. That’s when it’s important to look inward and focus on what’s happening inside of you.

The moment I shifted my focus onto myself, I was able to overcome my hesitation and make a clear decision. And today, the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Every relationship is different and everyone has their own path to discovering when it’s time for things to change. The key is to be able to tune in to that moment if and when the time comes.

Once it’s over and the dust settles, you’ll realize that breaking up isn’t always so bad.

April 29, 2019