Tiny Buddha

Author: Reshma Patel

  • What Happens When We Don’t Say What We Think and Feel

    What Happens When We Don’t Say What We Think and Feel

    Talking

    “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    Can we just talk?

    Those words can be a buzzkill on dates, and yet talking is the most profound interaction we will ever have with another human being.

    A while back, my husband walked into the kitchen where I was reading an article on my phone and asked me if I had a chance to get a Father’s Day card for his dad (who lives in Canada). I said no I didn’t, and, since it was eight in the evening, I’d get it tomorrow.

    He put on his shoes, got the keys, and said, “I’m just going to get it,” then slammed the door.

    Now, this seems like an appropriate conversation; however, what I can’t relate through the computer is the tone of it. You know, that tone where you know there’s more to it then what was just uttered. Plus, the door slam was like a slap in the face.

    Immediately, my mind started accumulating thoughts about how I had messed up. How I place more emphasis on my own family, and he must feel I don’t do enough for his. I was spiraling into negativity and, within minutes, I was in that dark place of “I’m not good enough.”

    Usually I sit with this for hours and days; however, tonight, I couldn’t take it, and what I needed to say was busting through. We talked as soon as I took a few breaths and re-centered myself.

    I asked him if he was upset. He responded no, but he felt the need to go get the card that instant. I brought up slamming the door, and that it made me feel like there was more to the story.

    He agreed that he was upset because I didn’t look up from my phone to answer the question. AHHH relief! He just wanted my full attention during a conversation. He doesn’t think I’m the daughter-in-law or wife from hell.

    Me: Why didn’t you just ask me?

    Him: I feel like you should’ve known.

    Me: I’m not a mind reader and you aren’t a kid. Tell me what you need.

    There are so many miscommunications like this between us, like the time when our outside bar fell over in the wind and the glass top broke. He came outside and I said, “Oh it’s broken,” and he said, “Tell me the truth. What happened? Did you break it?”

    I was horrified. Where’s the innocent until proven guilty? I felt disrespected and like a liar. After talking about it I realized this happened because our past communication had been like this. Out of fear, I may have told a white lie or left out details.

    I further re-centered to realize that I had allowed us to talk this way to each other most of the time. I would get upset and then let it go. I didn’t state what I really thought or felt; not only did this not allow us to grow, but this allowed him to think everything was okay.

    I finally found the courage to state my boundary for communication in our marriage, starting with: can we talk.

    I would need more openness in our conversations. More direct communication about what you really mean to say rather than expecting that I “should just know.”

    I would need you to just say, “Hey, can your put down your phone so I can ask you a question?” Even simply saying, “I’m not sure what to say right now” is better than the silence, the hesitation, the pause, which gives my ego a meaning, a reason to put me down and spiral me into that dark corner.

    If you are telling me exactly what you need from me, and I from you, there is no interference, no misinformation, no blame, shame, or guilt in either one of us.

    This simple interaction of just talking completely transformed the communication in our marriage. It also gave me the power and strength to express what I will and won’t stand for in our marriage, or in any relationship in my life.

    Simply by talking. The energy around us becomes light, and we are able to accept the love that is between us. In honoring our words and our voice, we stand for the greatest human characteristic we have.

    Other animals mate, cuddle, and kiss, but talking, that’s only a human trait, and it’s the key to all human interaction, since it’s the only way anyone can know what we’re thinking and feeling.

    So talk, be vulnerable, say exactly what’s on your mind. Truth is, the other person may be thinking the same thing, and you could be the link that reopens communication and makes them feel human again. So let’s just talk…

     Couple talking image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Labels and Being Happy in This Moment

    Letting Go of Labels and Being Happy in This Moment

    Happy Woman

    “Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie

    I was watching my go-to show, the one I turn to when I need a pick-me-up or peace, Super Soul Sunday. It’s the episode with Adyashanti, the spiritual teacher and author of Falling into Grace.

    During the show, he said something so profound that it made me have what Oprah calls an AH-HA moment, so I ran to get my computer to put it into words!

    I think Oprah was paraphrasing for him when she said, “When you tell a child a bird is a bird, the child will never see the bird again.”

    You lose the wonderment of this beautiful majestic thing, with wings and freedom that makes a beautiful song with chirps and tweets. Romeo had it right when he said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

    Yet I have spent my entire life searching for labels, thinking a label would hold my identity.

    First it was my name, Reshma, and if people called me Ree-sham, Razma, Rushma, or Rashma, I would get enraged and want them to say it right.

    I would even say it’s like “fresh” without the “f,” like Fresh Resh. My high school lacrosse team even made up a song for Fresh Resh, and I thought, “Yeah, no one will forget my name now!”

    Not realizing that a name is just a name, that there are 20,000 Reshma Patels that show up on Facebook searches, I kept progressing, thinking now that my name was established I needed to solidify what it was that Reshma Patel would do.

    The next part of my life I spent searching for a perfect profession. I wanted so badly to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, I wanted to save people, and I wanted the title.

    Although the people in my life discouraged me, I pushed through, sure that this label would make me complete. I was looking outside of myself for something to make me happy, not realizing that this was the road to never ending unhappiness.

    The greed for more labels kept me motivated and kept me going. I thought I found my purpose in “wife” and “mommy.” And yet, in the deepest part of my being I was lost.

    I needed freedom from the labels I had spent my entire life gathering.

    I had reached the top of my own man-made mountain; I was a thirty-four-year-old woman, daughter, sister, doctor of physical therapy, wife, and mommy—and yet I still didn’t know who I was or how to just be happy.

    I felt something deep within me that was erupting to come out, almost like hot lava inside a volcano that has been kept dormant for so many years. I knew I had to release all the labels to free this beautiful energy inside me and find my way to my true essence, my true potential.

    If you’re also looking to reconnect with who you are, underneath your labels, and find a joy that doesn’t depend on that identity, these tips may help:

    1. Ask questions.

    It sounds simple and almost childlike, but that’s exactly the space I was in. I was back to being five or six years old and finding out who I was.

    At that time, I let my environment, my peers, and my inner ego guide who I was meant to be, and now I was ready to be there again, listening to my internal guidance.

    I asked, “Who am I? What is my purpose?” The answers don’t come right away. As the saying goes, “Patience is a virtue!”

    2. Pay attention.

    You know how people say “Slow down, stop, and smell the roses”? It’s true. My answers came in small moments that I would’ve missed, had I not been paying attention.

    It came when I was giggling and running around with my kids. It came when I went out in the middle of the night to make snow angels in the backyard with my husband. It came when I was laughing louder than I had ever laughed with my best friend, while wide awake at six in the morning, on a girls’ trip.

    I felt a quick burst of peace, joy, and love in these moments, and if I weren’t paying attention I would still be asking questions and getting frustrated.

    3. Create moments of bliss.

    Once I realized where my true happiness lies (in moments of fun, laughter, and being childlike), I started to create those moments, times when I have the wonderment of a little girl—visiting new museums, singing loudly in the car, dancing in the rain, and making grass music with my girls.

    These small, silly moments are so profound for my being and so impactful for my own little ladies. Hopefully, they are getting a small whisper that says, “See, life is more fun when you keep exploring, laughing, and being all the things you want to be from moment to moment.”

    4. Own the space you live in.

    You have just raised your vibration to live in a space of pure joy, pure happiness, and pure bliss, where you ask questions and receive answers.

    That is where you are now, no more labels and names; you are just who you are, in this moment, and then whatever you choose to be in the next. Own that and live there, and look back and recognize that you made it happen.

    You are not your labels. You are the power of your own potential.

    Photo by Nickay311