Author: Renée Suzanne

Are You Being Roached in Your “Relationship”?

“Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

Online dating and dating apps have revolutionized the experience of dating in recent years, and those changes continue to accelerate at a dizzying pace.

These new technologies have given rise to a brand new culture that singles never had to navigate in years past. Dating online and using dating apps is like a new “Wild West,” where there are no clear rules and anything goes.

This new culture comes with new words, of course. Some are amusing and some, not so much.

“Roaching” is a new name for a practice that’s been around for many years. Essentially, it’s a failure to define a relationship as monogamous (or otherwise) and the hurt feelings that often result.

One person believes that the relationship is progressing toward a meaningful one-on-one partnership and is blindsided when they find out that their partner has been seeing other people.

The offending party claims to be surprised that monogamy was assumed or expected because it was never openly discussed. This can seem heartless to some, myself included, but viewed objectively, it’s a valid point.

Mismatched expectations in relationships are nothing new, but regardless of the details or what new dating terms are used, the root cause is the same: the lack of open communication.

When I was searching for a partner, I often struggled to articulate what I truly wanted. I had trouble admitting, even to myself at times, that I was truly seeking marriage to someone with whom I hoped to share my life.

I found it nearly impossible to believe that there could be a man out there who would want that with me, so I avoided talking about it as much as I could. Instead, I swept it under the rug and dated anyone I found attractive.

I hoped that somehow it would all just work out. Somehow a man would end up falling in love with me and I’d be able to “sneak a relationship in the back door.” As if he wouldn’t notice.

I know that this sounds ridiculous, but that seemed to be the way it worked in the movies.

I thought that my dreams of a loving marriage were too much, overly traditional, and not feminist enough. It wasn’t what all the women’s magazines said I should be doing. In retrospect, I can see that I was actually ashamed of what I wanted.

I tried to deny my dream of finding true love, even to myself, but my heart would not be silenced.

Meanwhile, I dated prolifically and never told any of the men what I was looking for. I simply hoped that they would like me enough to somehow know what I wanted and offer it to me.

Needless to say, this did not happen and many misunderstandings ensued.

There wasn’t really a term for it then, but I was “roached” among quite a few other things. At the time, I thought those men were heartless and cruel, but now I see how I put myself in those situations by not being honest and forthright about what I was looking for.

I spent years getting my heart broken repeatedly and it took a huge toll on me. I finally decided that it was time to own up to what I really wanted because what I was doing was obviously not working.

I sat down and decided exactly what I wanted. I journaled about the life I wanted, the relationship I wanted, how I wanted to feel when I was with this person and the kind of person I wanted to be.

Then I promised myself that I would always have my own back and do everything I could to live the life I dreamed of no matter what anyone thought. I started telling the truth about what I wanted, even though it was difficult and scary and sometimes not eloquent at all.

I made myself ask the questions I wanted the answers to, even when my voice shook and I wished that the floor would swallow me up so that I could hide.

Sure, it scared some men away, but it also inspired a few of them. Including the man I married.

If you’re wondering whether or not you’re being roached, ask yourself if you’ve truly been honest with the person you’re dating about what you’re looking for. Have you had an actual conversation or have you just hinted? Do you know what your partner is seeking in a relationship? Have you asked?

If you haven’t talked about this yet, do it as soon as possible. If you’re afraid to do this, ask yourself why. Not having this conversation may seem easier in the moment, but in the long run it’s often much more painful.

It takes courage to decide what you want in life and to communicate your truth to another person. It requires strength and fortitude to create an authentic life instead of hoping that things turn out the way you want them to without any effort on your part.

You don’t have to turn your life around in a single day. You can do it one conversation at a time.

It’s like building your muscles when you work out. Over time, you’ll get stronger. Your communication skills will improve when you do this and so will your confidence.

Your relationships will improve as well. You’ll never have to worry about being roached again, because you’ll know where you stand with the people you date.

Before you know it, you will have transformed your life and your relationships forever.

February 17, 2020
How Holding On to Unrequited Love Keeps You Alone and Stuck

“Let no one who loves be unhappy, even love unreturned has its rainbow.” ~James M. Barrie

My first experience with unrequited love took place when I was a little kid at swimming lessons.

I developed a huge crush on one of the instructors. I don’t remember his name, but I remember the excruciating feeling of absolutely adoring someone who didn’t even know I existed. I wish I could say that this was a one-time experience, but it wasn’t.

Sadly, this pattern continued for many years. I seemed to have a radar device installed in my heart that would automatically fixate on the man least likely to return my affections and bam, I had to have him. Only it never worked out.

I once spent many painful years pining away for a man I’d been crushing on, even after he’d moved across the country and married someone else. I simply could not get him out of my head.

It should be noted that I never had a real relationship with any of these men. I never dated them, kissed them, nothing. I was friends with some of them, but that was it.

Perhaps you can relate. You’ve finally met someone special after what seems like an eternity. It’s like finding an oasis in a desert of nothingness and you are beyond excited. It just has to work out with this person, so you immediately go into obsession mode.

You have an agenda for this relationship. You know exactly how you want it to go and it needs to happen ASAP.

Becoming fixated on someone can be an extremely uncomfortable experience. Insisting on one relationship working out exactly the way you want it to is like trying to put a choke hold on the universe. It simply cannot be done, and trying to do it will only result in frustration.

If this is happening to you, see the situation for what it is, look inside for what’s really going on, and be open to the many amazing possibilities life holds for you.

It’s tempting to think that this person holds the key to your happiness, but that simply isn’t true. He or she is a human being with imperfections, and you don’t know them very well yet.

When you have an intense emotional reaction to someone you don’t know very well, you’re dealing with your own mind, not the other person. When you become infatuated with someone and think that life will be wonderful once you are finally a couple, you place your chances for happiness outside of yourself.

Another person can never hold the key to your happiness, and when you believe that they do, you’re giving away your power.

Of course, it’s possible that you’ve known the person for a while. He or she may be a colleague or a friend that you’ve developed intense feelings for.

Do you infer much more meaning into a simple exchange than is really there out of your own wishful thinking? How much time do you spend analyzing your interactions with this person? Healthy relationships don’t need to be evaluated constantly.

If you’re spending a considerable amount of time obsessing about your chances of being in a relationship with someone, stop and ask yourself what’s really going on. It can help to confide in a friend, therapist or coach to get some outside perspective. If you hesitate to do this, ask yourself why.

When you become fixated on someone, it can feel confining for the other person. There’s a level of unease, a possessive desperation that can come off as needy or even creepy.

You must address the part of you that wants to cling to this person and give it what it needs. That needy part of you has something to teach you, and it’s not about holding on to this relationship. It’s about being at peace with yourself.

You cannot hide this by simply playing it cool or following dating rules about when to call or text. This needy energy will leak out of you and repel the other person. Don’t berate yourself about it; instead, listen to yourself with compassion and love.

What is it that you’re not facing? Do you resist the idea that you’re responsible for your own happiness? Are you hoping that a wonderful romance will take the edge off the pain of a less-than-stellar career or boost your confidence?

What do you hope that this person can give you that you don’t have now? Confidence? Love? The knowledge that you are special?

What can you do to give yourself what you need? Whatever it is, you’ll never be able to get it from another person. Take care of this within yourself and you’ll feel much better.

Trust that there is someone else out there for you and you will meet him or her when the time is right. There are so many people in this world. This is not the last eligible person you will ever encounter. If this relationship does not work out the way you’d like it to, trust that things happen for a reason and move on.

When you’ve gotten stuck on one person, it’s the perfect opportunity to examine what’s happening inside of you. Life has dished you up a generous helping of potential self-discovery, so welcome the lesson as much as possible and learn everything you can. You’ll be so glad you did.

If you dig in and see the situation for what it is, instead of waiting for your would-be lover to come to his or her senses, you stand a much better chance for happiness.

All of my heart-wrenching experiences with unrequited love led me to so much growth and self-discovery. I came to see that my fantasy relationships with these men were my way of protecting my heart.

I was alone, but I was sure that it wasn’t my fault; it was theirs for not wanting me. If only they’d see how great I was, everything would be fine. I was not opening myself to love by insisting that love could only come from one person.

Once I was able to really see that, and to truly love myself, I never had another experience like that again.

Every relationship and circumstance can bring you closer to the love you want if you open up and allow yourself to learn as much as possible. Love can come from so many sources. Don’t close yourself off. Be open to life, to alternatives, to possibilities.

January 5, 2020
Why I’ve Upgraded to a Drama-Free Relationship

“Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.” ~Unknown

I used to think that true love should be passionate and intense. When someone broke up with me or treated me poorly, I’d imagine that he really didn’t mean it. Surely he was really a good person and truly loved me, but was just “going through something” or “needed space.” Eventually he’d be back with tears, apologies, and flowers.

I’d like to say I outgrew this tendency by the age of, well, maybe forty, but the fact is I didn’t.

Instead, I carried a torch for a recently divorced man, who couldn’t stick around for more than eight weeks at a time, for more than a year. Each time he returned, he’d tell me how much he missed me and how much I meant to him, and I loved to hear it.

Before him, I took well over a year off from dating anyone seriously because my ex-boyfriend might decide he wanted me back, and he called every month or so to check in. When he did this, I’d get thrown straight back into the drama of it all and second-guess my decision to end our relationship. After all, he said he loved me.

And the man before that, well, you get the idea.

This was all very exciting compared to my life at the office. It was very distracting as well. I’d spend hours googling self-help blogs and texting my girlfriends with the latest updates on “the guy” instead of doing my work.

Let’s face it, relationship drama can pull you right in. It demands your attention immediately. It’s so intense to get a text in the middle of the night or to navigate the ups and downs of a stormy relationship. On again, off again, always waiting for a call or text. Will he or won’t he? Will you or won’t you?

We modern humans no longer live in caves or have life and death struggles on a regular basis. Most of us live fairly routine lives in comfortable homes and have our physical needs met. Sometimes, you can get addicted to drama because it gives you a buzz of excitement that a regular old nine-to-five lifestyle just can’t.

A shot of adrenaline can help us wake up to life and get motivated. Things like climbing a mountain, signing up for a triathlon, or a tight deadline help us get fired up.

Taking on a new challenge from time to time can help us feel like we’re going somewhere in life. If we don’t do this, regular doses of relationship drama can provide a distraction. An unstable relationship may be exciting at first, but it can eventually become draining.

A turbulent relationship can sap your energy and your confidence. You never quite know where you stand with this person, and it wears down your sense of stability and security. It can bleed into the rest of your life and damage your other relationships, your career, or even your health.

If you’re involved in a troubled relationship, it can be all-encompassing. It’s also very tempting to adopt the role of the savior because you get to be the “together” person, the responsible one.

If you’ve been living on a steady diet of relationship drama, it’s time for a reality check. Ask yourself how this situation is serving you. Blaming the other person and hoping that they will change isn’t helpful, because you’re the one who’s tolerating these circumstances in your life.

Being willing to accept responsibility for the situation you’re in is the first step to a more fulfilling love life.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have. Take some time and journal about it. How do you want to feel? What is your day-to-day experience like? Is that kind of relationship possible with the person you’re with (or considering) now? Not when or if they finally change. Now.

When I asked myself these questions, I saw that I wanted to be loved and to feel safe. I wanted to know that my significant other was “all in” with me, not halfway out the door. I came to recognize that I wasn’t choosing men who were willing to have this kind of relationship with me.

I also realized that once I discovered that this was the case with a particular person, I was very reluctant to let him go. Instead, I’d hang on for far too long in the hopes that things would get better, which they never did.

Once you’ve considered these questions for yourself, consider what changes you’ll need to make in order to have the kind of relationship you want.

I came to understand that I’d have to give up the idea that drama was an indicator of true love. The kinds of relationships that I previously would have considered “boring” were, in fact, desirable. I found more healthy ways of adding excitement to my life.

The man I married is dependable and reliable. I can always count on him to keep his promises and I know he adores me. I couldn’t be happier.

From our very first conversation on, I never had any doubts or had to wait for him to change or “come around”. He made his feelings for me very clear from the get-go and I always knew where I stood with him.

I always feel safe with him and we go hiking and mountain climbing instead of breaking up every few weeks.

If you really want to have a fulfilling relationship, then it’s time to make choices that are consistent with your desire. This can be difficult, because people often consider drama an indicator of love or passion, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can choose to see drama for what it is, an indicator of an unstable relationship. Once you do this, commit to dating people who are capable of having a healthy relationship.

Doing these things will drastically increase your chances of having a fulfilling relationship.

February 15, 2018
If You Always Date People Who Aren’t Good for You, Read On

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” ~Stephen Covey

Just a few short years ago, I sat across the table from a lovely man on a first date. It had taken a couple months to get there due to our busy schedules, but it seemed to be worth it. He was easy to talk to and seemed like a great guy.

During the course of the evening, we discussed what we were looking for and he told me that he was still married, but his divorce would be final in a few days. While I was disappointed to hear this, I rationalized it. I told myself that at least he was honest about it, and besides, he was almost divorced.

The divorce took place just as he said, and I decided to continue seeing him. What followed was a yearlong very painful, but sometimes fun relationship.

It was on again, off again, and never quite came together. He would decide that he really cared for me and tell me so with tearful declarations, then back away. The last time he ended it was via text message.

Unfortunately, I hear similar stories all the time. The common theme is: two people meet and feel instant attraction but hear alarm bells or see red flags. They decide to continue to date anyway because the feelings are there.

There’s a whirlwind romance for a few weeks or months after which things end painfully. Then he or she is heartbroken and ready to lose faith in love.

This breaks my heart because it’s so very avoidable. We need to remember that we have choices, even when it comes to love. When we take responsibility for our lives we give ourselves the power to create the things we want.

We tend to think that matters of the heart are outside our realm of influence, but I disagree. If we would only take our love lives into our own hands instead of leaving things to chance and bemoaning the results, we could have the love we so long for.

It really is up to each of us to create the best lives possible for ourselves, and we must step up. The best way to do this in your love life is to start dating smarter.

A lot of us believe that we can’t choose who we’re attracted to, that we must go with either our hearts or our heads. We tend to think we must choose passion and accept the pain that comes with it, or settle for people who bore us but are good to us.

I used to think this way, but what I’ve found is that it’s possible to adjust one’s preferences over time. With a bit of persistence, we can train ourselves to want what is good for us and to make better, healthier choices.

You can make a commitment to yourself and the life you want to live. You can then make choices that are consistent with the commitments you make.

You already do this in other areas of your life. You know that you can make healthy food choices to help you stay in shape and live a long life. You go to the gym for the same reason. You head off to work or school even when you don’t feel like it because you enjoy the benefits that come from these actions.

You can choose to date smarter by dating only those people who are capable of having a healthy relationship with you.

Many of us feel that we can’t stop ourselves from ending up with people who hurt us over and over again. We long to make better choices, but just can’t seem to feel anything for potential partners who would be good for us.

Most of us live inside our comfort zones, and unfortunately, having unfulfilling romantic relationships may be part of the life you’re used to living.

If you always end up dating people who mistreat you, abandon you, or are emotionally unavailable, consider the possibility that this may be happening because of a pattern you’ve developed.

Once you’re able to see a pattern, you can decide whether or not it works for you and commit to changing it if necessary. You can choose to take your love life into your own hands by developing patterns and habits that will result in your ultimate happiness.

We formed many of our patterns early in life as an attempt to have our needs met by our primary caregivers, usually our parents. This makes sense because we learn how to interact in the world from them before anyone else.

When I uncovered my own patterns, I found that I believed that it was best to meet my own needs as much as possible. I was terrified to count on anyone else or ask for anything because of the way in which I grew up. I thought that no one would want to be with me if they were to discover that I was not perfect.

I hid parts of myself I thought others wouldn’t like and didn’t date very often. When I did, I chose men who didn’t want to get close enough to see me. In this way, I kept myself safe, even though it meant being excruciatingly lonely for many years.

Have you developed patterns and habits that are keeping you alone? If so, it’s never too late to trade them in for some new ones.

Consider making new choices about who is allowed to be part of your life. Some examples include; ending relationships with anyone who is toxic to you, only spending time with people who treat you well, and dating only those who are emotionally available.

It will take some time to get used to this new way of dating, but it is possible to teach yourself to appreciate partners who treat you well. Start by giving them a chance.

Instead of prioritizing looks, job descriptions, and finances, how about placing more importance on emotional availability and kindness? If someone is excited about you or indicates that they are interested in a relationship, why not see where it goes instead of categorizing them as “desperate”?

Try spending time with different types of people, especially if you tend to go for one “type” all the time. You may not feel instant chemistry, but over time you’ll become accustomed to being treated well. Once you do this for a while, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the people you used to date.

If all the people who are good to you aren’t your “type” then you need a new type. These things can be changed, just like habits. It may not be easy to change, but it is possible if you act consistently over time.

This is a much better strategy than giving up on love or waiting for the person who treats you poorly or dumped you to realize what he or she lost. Spoiler alert—they won’t. They may return, but you’re likely get more of the same or worse.

As for me, I was finally able to see that I was pushing away perfectly wonderful men because they seemed too excited about me. It wasn’t long after that last text message from Mr. On-again-off-again that I met the wonderful man who became my husband.

I was able to welcome him into my life and let him love me, and it was fun, easy, and drama-free. There was not a single red flag to be found.

I saw that things can happen very quickly with the right person when your hearts are both open and you know what you want. It really doesn’t have to take very long or be difficult.

You have what it takes to have a wonderful relationship if you want one. If you will commit to the life you want to have and then take actions that are consistent with your commitment, you’ll be well on your way.

You don’t have to be a slave to your emotions or settle for whatever life hands you. True and lasting love is almost inevitable if you will take action on your own behalf.

Start right now by taking responsibility for your love life and dating smarter. Your future happily in love self will thank you.

October 24, 2017
What to Do After a Breakup to End Painful Relationship Patterns

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” ~Unknown

After my kids grew up and I moved to the city from the suburbs, I became somewhat of a professional dater. I was determined to make up for lost time after over a decade as a single mom, and I was optimistic about my future.

My hopes were dashed almost immediately. Relationship after relationship crashed and burned, rarely lasting more than a few weeks. As soon as they’d walk out the door, sometimes within minutes, I’d fire up whatever dating website I was on at the time and begin again.

I’ll never forget writing a new profile with a box of Kleenex on my lap and taking breaks to cry. I went out on dates feeling like the walking wounded, thinking that was the best thing to do. Just get back on the horse as soon as possible.

After hundreds of dates and a long-term relationship, I found a better way to navigate breakups. The next time a relationship ended, I was determined to take the opportunity to build a better life for myself instead of simply running out to see who I could date next.

Breaking up is tough. It can be one of the most miserable experiences of a person’s life. If you’re going through a breakup, it’s important to give yourself the chance to process it emotionally. If you take the opportunity to understand your part in creating the experience, you stand a much better chance of having a more fulfilling relationship next time around.

The first thing to do is mourn the relationship. This is not popular advice, but it is good advice. We all want to get to the good part, and this is definitely not it. The thing is, if you don’t do it, you’ll have a mess on your hands that will infect your future if it’s not cleaned up.

Not taking the time to grieve is like throwing your dirty laundry in the closet and never washing it. It gets it out of the way for the time being, but it’s a poor long-term strategy.

Ancient cultures honored the practice of mourning. In their wisdom, they understood that mourning is part of life and helps us to heal. We’ve lost that in our day, but I think that mourning can be truly beneficial.

When your relationship has ended, set aside some time to be alone and sit down. Cry, journal, yell, really let yourself feel what’s going on inside you. Face the fact that your relationship has ended and feel the anger, sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness, whatever comes up. You may be afraid that you’ll never come out of it, but you will.

Locate the feelings in your body and welcome them as best you can. Lie down and put your hands on the place in your body where you feel intense emotion. It may be your chest, your stomach, or your throat. Practice breathing white light into these places and visualize them healing.

Plan to spend at least a couple of days on this. Resist the urge to rush out with your friends, go back to dating, or hit the bars right now. There will be plenty of time for that later. See this through so that it doesn’t lurk in your heart, and once you are done, you will be done.

Please treat yourself with compassion during this time. Take long baths, get plenty of sleep, and be sweet to yourself.

As tempting as it may be to numb out with drinking, eating, shopping, or whatever your distraction of choice may be, try to minimize this. Waking up with a hangover, a stranger, or a huge credit card bill will only add to your troubles.

A breakup is the perfect time to do some soul-searching. You’ll have some alone time and your emotions will be front and center. Since breakups are so painful, I hope that you’ll take this opportunity to discover how to make your life better in the future.

Once you’ve mourned the loss of your relationship, take some time to evaluate all of your most significant relationships. Start by looking at each of your parents or primary caregivers, then your most recent relationship, and finally, your last three relationships before that one, for six relationships total.

Use a separate sheet of paper for each person and create two columns: “liked” and “didn’t like.” Fill out a sheet for each person. After doing this, write down the traits they all had in common on a fresh sheet of paper. For instance, you may notice that these people didn’t keep their promises or had short tempers.

After you’ve written about them, make it about you. Write down what you did that you liked and didn’t like. Finally, ask yourself why you continue to participate in behaviors you don’t like. Were you on automatic pilot? Did you know at the time that what you were doing wasn’t a good idea and do it anyway?

When I did this exercise, I realized that many of the men I’d dated had kept me at a distance, just as my parents had. It seemed to be my default setting in relationships. I was afraid to really let anyone see me and have a chance to possibly disapprove of me, so I remained aloof and chose unavailable partners.

I also saw that I had remained in relationships long after I knew in my heart that they weren’t going to work. I simply couldn’t bring myself to face what was happening.

After you’ve had a chance to reflect, pick five things on your list that you’d like to change and write about what you need to do to create a new experience in your next relationship. Do you see a common thread in these relationships? Have you been engaging in behaviors that aren’t working for you?

As long as you continue to believe that life is happening to you, you’ll continue to get the same results. Ask yourself how you’re contributing to the state of your relationships and determine what things you’ll do differently in the future.

I decided to be more proactive in my future dating experiences by asking more questions and taking the time to get to know someone new before jumping into a relationship. I also became more vulnerable and honest about what I was looking for on dates instead of just hoping we’d be on the same page.

Once you’ve done these things, you’ll have a much better idea where you stand and where you’d like to go next. Take the time to do this thoroughly and you’ll bring more clarity and understanding to your next relationship.

No matter how awful your last relationship was, how wrong the other person was, or how ready you think you are to find someone new, you must look at your part in this relationship or you’ll be very likely to repeat your experience.

Be willing to accept responsibility for your life, your past and your future. The common denominator in all of your relationships is you. You were there for all of them.

If you have a pattern of being cheated on, mistreated, or dumped, you owe it to yourself to take a closer look at why these things happened. This doesn’t mean that the other person was blameless, but you’re the only one you can do anything about.

If you don’t want to keep dating these types of people, take a closer look at what’s been happening. Do you have a pattern of tolerating mistreatment from those you date? Do you overlook red flags early on?

At what point did you see that things were heading south? What, if anything, did you do about it? Did you speak up, or self-abandon? Did you hang on and try to save a broken relationship? Did you try to change him or her?

Before you start dating again, sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself these questions.

Be willing to examine your actions, but don’t beat up on yourself. You were doing the best you could and it won’t help to judge yourself harshly or rehash every detail of your relationship looking for all your “mistakes.”

This is a process of self-discovery and finding a better way, much like looking in the mirror and correcting your form at the gym. Treat yourself with tenderness and compassion.

A breakup is a very real loss and should not be minimized. If you make the effort to learn everything you can, breakups can serve you by providing insight that will help you create a better relationship next time.

Most of us are encouraged to move on immediately after a breakup, but if you try to do that without laying a good foundation, you’re more likely to get into another relationship that ends up not working. After taking the time to mourn your loss and learn all you can from it, moving on is the best thing to do.

When the time comes, it helps to get closure, purge any remaining relics of the relationship, and set a course for your future.

First, write a goodbye letter to your ex (no need to mail it, this can just be for you) or sit in a chair with another chair facing you where you can imagine him or her sitting and have a conversation for closure. Get everything out and don’t hold back. This is for you. You don’t want to carry these thoughts and feelings with you into the future, so deal with them now.

Next, go through your home and pack up all of your ex’s belongings, gifts he or she gave you, and any reminders of the relationship.

Set a date on which you resolve to begin dating again. Take photos for an online profile, buy new clothes, new bedding, or get a new hairstyle or a makeover. Do something new, take up a hobby, make new friends.

Finally, sit down and write a paragraph about what you want your next relationship to be like. How would you like to feel in this relationship? Write about what kind of person you want to be with. Don’t hold back, write down everything you would like to experience.

Going through a breakup is one of the hardest things we humans face. Making an effort to understand what happened and your part in it will go a long way toward helping you have a better relationship next time around. You’ll be much better off taking the time to reflect than running out and looking for someone else immediately.

As for me, I forced myself to follow this very process after my last breakup and I was able to have a much better relationship when I got back to dating. I’m convinced I never would have been ready for it if I’d just kept up my gig as a professional dater.

December 8, 2016
Why Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work (and What Does)

“Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me.” It’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t.’ ” ~Unknown

After the death of my husband, I spent my thirties as a single mother of four children. It was a tough decade. I often felt lonely and frustrated, and dating was a nightmare.

I constantly gorged on self-help books, hoping that they’d reveal whatever my “problem” was so that I could fix it and finally find the love I so desperately craved.

Many of these well-intentioned books contained dating tips designed to make someone fall in love with me. They invited me to steal hearts, catch and keep partners, and otherwise engineer my romantic success by adopting certain behaviors considered to be desirable.

Could it really be as simple as getting off the phone first, not returning a phone call, or saying that I was busy even though I was home folding laundry? Since I really wanted love and it was for the good of all, I thought, “Why not? All’s fair in love and war, right?” The thing is, these strategies never worked for me.

Perhaps you can relate. You want to share your life with someone, and you’re more than willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Maybe you hope to learn a few easy hacks so that you can check finding love off your to-do list and get on with your life.

We’d all like to find a fast and easy way to get the things we want, myself included. Unfortunately, looking for the easy way didn’t work for me, and it wasn’t until I accepted that and got down to business that I attained any results worth achieving.

The problem with relying on dating strategies like these is that they only address behaviors, not beliefs. Your behaviors are important, but it’s your beliefs that drive them.

If you don’t address the source of your behaviors, lasting change won’t be possible and your behaviors and beliefs won’t be consistent. This is why some people seem “fake” and other people who do the exact same things come off as genuine.

Many relationship books encourage us to behave in ways that are consistent with having confidence and valuing ourselves highly. If you don’t truly value yourself, acting like you do might mask this fact, but eventually the truth will come out.

No amount of game playing will turn you into a high-value person. Believing in your own value and acting accordingly will.

Take an honest look at yourself with a true desire to discover, not criticize yourself. Be loving and gentle with yourself and be curious.

Are you treating yourself well? Do you establish and keep good boundaries in your relationships and at work? Do you stand up for yourself when you need to? Are you taking good care of your body, finances, and home?

Listen to the thoughts you have about yourself. Are you kind to yourself in your own mind? Do you beat yourself up constantly? What do you truly believe about your own worth? Whatever your beliefs are, your relationships will eventually reflect them, regardless of which dating strategies you try.

If you know that you aren’t valuing yourself highly, address that instead of pretending in an attempt to convince someone else to value you. A person of high value will naturally command respect, without counting the minutes until it’s acceptable to return a text or agonizing about whether or not to give someone a call.

How can you begin to value yourself and show up in the world as a confident person? Will you eat healthy foods? Get enough rest and exercise for your own well-being, not just so that you can look good on dates? How about saying no to working late for the fourth day in a row and cancelling plans with your friends (again)?

Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?

Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem. We all value people who are confident and value themselves. People will treat us the way we teach them to. It’s never too late to make a new choice.

Games like not calling or playing hard to get are intended to help us behave how a naturally confident person would behave. It’s always better to cultivate genuine confidence than it is to fake it. True confidence comes from valuing ourselves.

Once we reach adulthood, it’s our responsibility to create the lives we wish to lead. Accepting this responsibility can be daunting at times, but it’s one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, as much as we wish they could.

When we step up and decide to lead the best lives possible, commit to being the people we want to become, and refuse to back down when it’s hard, we will value ourselves more highly and inspire others to do the same.

Ultimately, this is much more rewarding than pretending to be busy on Saturday night and refusing to take phone calls at certain times.

As for me, I finally learned how to make better choices and found real love instead of relying on tips and tricks. It has made all the difference.

July 11, 2016
It’s Not Settling to Love Someone Who Doesn’t Match Your Fantasy

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I’ve always been a dreamer. A really big dreamer. For the most part, it’s served me well. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. A private college, magna cum laude, while raising four children alone. I don’t do mediocrity.

I worked hard and brought our family out of poverty singlehandedly. We moved to a better neighborhood, built a nice house, and went on vacations. I was no ordinary woman. I’d much prefer to raise those kids alone than to settle for the companionship of a mere mortal man.

The man I sought had to be equally well-educated, ambitious, successful, attractive, and generous.

I also would have preferred that he not want any children and would be happy to help me raise mine since I had so many.

Finally, he had to be well-read, close to my own age, and not addicted to television. I froze out the older men who would have been happy to date me.

Guess what happened? I raised those four kids alone while reading every self-help book I could find and begging every deity I could think of to send me a mate. I absolutely refused to “settle.”

It’s very common for people who’ve been single for a long time to say that they won’t settle. They maintain that they could have been married or in a relationship by this time if they’d settled, but they are going to hold out for the best.

How about you? Are you holding out for a “package,” a person who possesses all of the qualities on a list you’ve made?

If so, I’d like to encourage you to consider the value of having a flesh and blood human being in your life to love you, care when you’ve had a bad day at work, or bring you soup when you’re sick. You’ll have the opportunity to experience loving this person back and sharing your life with them. It’s tough to cuddle up to a list.

The truth is, dating someone who doesn’t possess every quality you wish for isn’t the same thing as settling. You probably don’t have every trait your would-be mate desires and whether you realize it or not, you’ve already been settling.

Being open to dating outside your type is not settling. Most of us understand that we’re not going to get every single thing we want in life and it really is okay.

You don’t refuse to find a place to live just because you can’t afford a ten-bedroom mansion. Instead, you buy or rent a place within your means and go on about your business. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do and most of us are fine with the concept until we consider dating. Then we insist on “having it all.”

If you’re only 5’4”, does he really have to be over six feet tall? Wouldn’t you prefer that he was kind to you? If she’s at the gym five times a week, but doesn’t want to be your girlfriend because she’s still seeing other men, what’s the point?

If you have a “list,” consider which items are the most important to you and prioritize them. You’re probably not going to find someone who has everything you want, but you can find someone who has what you value most highly.

Consider what traits add value to a relationship. For example, “chemistry” and “sense of humor” are fun and necessary to some extent, but “conflict resolution” and “good character” can make or break a long-term partnership. These qualities may not be as romantic, but where’s the last person you had off the charts chemistry with right now?

When you meet someone you really like, that person most likely will need to give up a few items on his or her wish list in order to be with you. He may have wanted someone who loved college football, she may have preferred someone taller. There may be unanticipated differences in political opinions, food preferences, or hobbies.

No matter what desired traits are being given up, your intended will hopefully choose to be with you, a real person, instead of holding out for someone who possesses qualities on a list. Ideally, he or she will realize that the person their list describes may not exist, but you do. You are here with them now and offering them a chance at love.

They can make the most of this chance now, or refuse to settle and relinquish the opportunity to be with you. Sadly, many of us do move on in pursuit of “the list” and continue to do so for years despite the lack of evidence that this mythical person exists.

Refusing to settle is often cited as the reason for being single, but if you think about it you’ll realize that you’ve been settling all along.

Most likely, you’ve settled for years alone or you’ve been dating people who haven’t been treating you well. You let them get away with their subpar treatment of you because of the chemistry you feel, their success, or physical appeal.

Did you dump that nice guy who was only an inch taller than you for the six foot tall MBA who never had time for you? What about blowing off the sweet but slightly insecure girl for the more mysterious, harder to get woman who ended up cheating on you? That’s settling.

I myself finally learned the value of prioritization, and after more than a decade alone found myself with a wonderful man.

He doesn’t go to the gym, eat kale, or share my religion, but he adores me. I feel safe with him, and he lets me know how loved I am every single day. It turns out that being the apple of someone’s eye is a wonderful experience and very much worth “settling” for.

Surface traits are very enticing, but they do not offer much in the way of long-term relationship potential.

Don’t trade an idea that has no basis in reality for the experience of having love in your life. The person your list describes likely doesn’t exist, and if he or she does, once you get to know them, you may find they’re not perfect either. If what you really want is a fulfilling relationship, open your heart and prioritize love today.

Couple in love image via Shutterstock

March 31, 2016
Your Kindness Could Help Someone Find Hope in the Darkness

“Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~Scott Adams

I was ten years old and growing up in a home that I can only describe as hellish. Among other things, our father forced us to stand against the wall for long periods of time until we shook from exhaustion. On one such day, he sent me to McDonald’s to buy him a cup of coffee.

I was happy to get out of the house and escape my punishment momentarily. As I headed to McDonald’s, I wondered what it would be like to never have to go back home. I hoped that I would have a better life someday, but I could not see how.

When I arrived at my destination and opened my mouth to order the coffee, I burst into tears. I just could not hold them back any longer and they came pouring out right there at the counter in McDonald’s.

As I stood there, a sobbing, broken little ten-year-old girl, a lady came out of nowhere. She said, “Sweetheart, would you like something for yourself? I will buy you anything you want. Just tell me what it is and I will get if for you.”

I was so touched by her kindness that I cried even harder. There was nothing on that menu I wanted. I wanted a better life. I wanted never to have to go home again.

Eventually I stopped crying and went home with the coffee, but I never forgot that lady or her kindness to me. I’ve often wished that I could find her and thank her for what she did that day.

We interact with so many people every day, in traffic, at the office, and online. If you walk down the sidewalk in a major city you will walk past hundreds of people. The next time you do this, look at them. Really look at them.

Every single one of these people has had his or her heart broken at one time or another. Guaranteed. You never know what other people are dealing with.

The person who cut you off in traffic may be struggling with a difficult child or spouse. He or she may have just gotten fired. Of course, it’s possible that they’re simply rude, but you never know. We can’t always be at our best, but we can try.

It is not always possible to know why people act the way they do, but I can guarantee that you will feel better if you give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

When in doubt, be kind. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

Can you express concern for someone today? Will you take a minute to hold the door for someone or let them in front of you in traffic?

Why not pick up the phone and call a friend who could use a kind word? You could send a quick email or text to someone you’ve been thinking of. If you want to go all-out, send a hand-written note or card to someone.

When you encounter a person who is less than charming, consider taking a deep breath and trying to understand where he or she is coming from. Do they have a point? Can you let it go?

Instead of rushing through your day, try slowing down and seeing how you can be of assistance. Be open to being of service, even in small ways. Instead of worrying because you’re too busy at work to volunteer on a regular basis, you could just volunteer for an hour or two.

You can make an enormous impact on someone’s life, even with one small kindness. I still struggle to find the words to describe how much that simple act of compassion meant to me all those years ago.

I went back home and life was still hard. Nothing changed for a very long time, but I had a tiny seed of hope in my heart that began to grow.

I went to bed that night knowing that there is kindness in this world. Good things were possible and all was not lost. Somehow, it would be okay because there are good people in the world.

Even today when I’m struggling with something and all seems lost, I remember that day. I remember that there’s always hope. I send a silent thank you to my would-be benefactor.

You don’t have to be Mother Teresa or Abraham Lincoln to make an impact in someone’s life. You can simply take a minute out of your day to encourage someone. You never know how much of a difference you can make with one small act of kindness.

If you lived in the south suburbs of Chicago in the late seventies and offered to buy something for a crying girl at McDonald’s, I want to send you a very belated thank you. This post is dedicated to you.

November 24, 2015
Show Up for Yourself and Believe in Your Dream

“As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.” ~Rumi

My early life was challenging, to say the least. I grew up in a difficult home situation, which I hoped to escape through an early marriage. That marriage produced four beautiful children by the time I was twenty-one years old.

We were very poor and I hoped to get us out of poverty, but I wasn’t sure it was possible.

I’d been poor all my life. I didn’t really know what it was like to have abundance. I thought success was for “other people.” My only education was a GED and I couldn’t earn enough money to pay for childcare, much less improve our situation.

It seemed to be hopeless, but I looked at my kids and decided that I had to try.

It was my ambition to earn a bachelor’s degree, which I eventually did through grants, scholarships, and a lot of hard work.

It took me five years to get through college. I finally graduated at the age of twenty-nine. After that, I always had a job and was able to take care of my family. Poverty was a distant memory.

What does this mean for you?

You can do a lot more than you think. You may never be twenty-one years old again, but you can have the essence of what it is that you really want. If you have a dream, it’s because there’s a part of you that’s whispering “yes” into your ear. Listen to it.

Please don’t listen to the nay-sayers. There were so many people who never thought I’d make it. They told me to go on welfare, to tolerate abuse for myself and my children, to give up.

If I’d listened to them, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I did what needed to be done in order to achieve my dream, and so can you.

Yes, it will be hard. There were many nights that I sat up crying in bed. There were the two weeks that I went hungry so that my children could eat while I waited for the food stamp application to be approved.

When I enrolled in a junior college, I had a major meltdown on the very first day. I thought I’d lost my mind by signing up for all those classes. Who was I, trying to go to college in my mid-twenties with four children? I did it though.

If you set a big goal for yourself, it’s okay if it’s hard. It’s not fun, but it’s okay. Anything you really want that you haven’t done yet is going to be hard. Expect it to be hard.

If you’ve wanted something for this long, there’s a reason. Don’t betray yourself by not going for it. It will be hard. Do it anyway.

It’s not too late to have what you want in life. Would it have been great to have everything you wanted by the time you were twenty-five? Sure, but most of us don’t. We all have struggles and challenges. We all know someone we think had it easier.

In our culture, we’re bombarded with images of people living the dream. We feel like we are missing out if we don’t have it all.

It’s helpful to remember that gorgeous twenty-somethings with money, fulfilling relationships, and successful careers are simply not the norm. We’re all human and we all have our struggles. Life is not a commercial.

You’ll be much happier if you get over the myth that life should always be fun and easy. Start creating the life you want to have today. It’s only too late if you believe that it is. Thinking that it’s too late is an insidious myth in our youth-obsessed culture. Don’t fall for it.

You can still earn your degree, find the relationship you want, get in shape, whatever it is that you want to have. Start now. In five years, you will be five years older whether or not you did anything with your life.

The difference between those who achieve what they want in life and those who don’t is determination and tenacity, not luck, looks, or youth. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had in life, but the truth is, I’ve made the most of them and they only showed up when I did.

Show up for yourself and the opportunities will appear. Maybe they won’t appear immediately, but if you stick with it, they will show up.

The universe is an abundant place and there’s always a chance for us. Set your course today for the life you want to have and remember that you can do more than you think. The way will find you when you step up, believe in your own dream, and work toward it.

Once you achieve your big dream, remember to pay it forward and encourage someone else who needs a reminder of what’s possible.

Follow your dreams image via Shutterstock

September 16, 2015