Tiny Buddha

Author: Mike Matthews

  • How to Fight Well in Your Relationship

    How to Fight Well in Your Relationship

    “Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” ~Rumi

    I had one of those really intense arguments with my partner recently, and it made me realize the importance of knowing how to fight well in a relationship.

    That might sound like an oxymoron, but there isn’t a relationship I know of where the couple doesn’t fall out at one point or another. Fights can make or break a relationship. That’s why it’s important you know how to fight well—because the success of any relationship isn’t based on how well you manage the good times but on how well you can deal with the bad.

    Basically, it’s about how well you can learn to fight.

    Learning to fight well is important because it can help bring up lots of hidden stuff that’s been lying dormant for years; it enables you to be really honest with each other, which helps you develop deeper levels of trust; and studies have shown that learning to fight well can even improve the intimacy in your relationship.

    But back to our fight.

    It all started when I was out at friend’s house and lost track of the time. My partner and I had agreed to spend some quality time together that evening, and when I noticed the time, my heart sank. I knew she would be upset as I made the difficult call home, and yep, I was right. She was livid. We then descended into a really uncomfortable argument of blame and counter blame, with a bit of defensiveness thrown in for good measure.

    Criticism and defensiveness are two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, as highlighted by renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman. They noticed these two traits are highly correlated to relationships that lead to breakup and divorce.

    Whenever my partner and I would have our worst arguments these two traits would always be present, and this time was no different.

    That’s why becoming more aware of how you fight can help you avoid relationship Armageddon and instead increase the trust, safety, and love in your relationship. To help with this here are seven key steps to follow when you feel as if you’re descending into another one of those earth shattering fights:

    1. Upgrade your language.

    Some arguments can help grow the relationship and develop greater levels of trust and intimacy between both parties. Other arguments are the opposite; they create a hierarchy and a power struggle, which diminishes respect, trust, and love.

    If we rewind to the start of our arguments we can predict to some extent their “success” by the language that started them and whether it was “hard” or “soft.”

    Hard language starts with generic hyperbole like “You always…” or “Why do you never…” or “I knew that you would…” Soft language uses “I” statements and focuses on the actions that took place, how they made us feel, and what we want to happen.

    My partner’s language that day was very “hard.” She criticized me and I immediately became defensive as the original story in my head started to change in response to her accusations. The firm agreement I knew we’d made became a tentative expectation in my mind. My lateness was no longer my responsibility but my friend’s, who had been delayed preparing food. Bit by bit I retold the story of what had happened and made myself into a victim of my circumstances instead of the owner that I really was.

    The language used at the start of our exchange influenced my response and how the subsequent argument progressed.

    The Gottman Institute reported that they can predict with 94% accuracy how a discussion will end based on the language used to start it. The softer and kinder our words, the less defensive we become, meaning we are more open to taking responsibility and creating connection instead of disconnection.

    A key principle to help with this is to use language to complain but don’t blame.

    2. Create space.

    Luckily, I had a one-hour drive home to work out what had happened and to get some perspective following our argument. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was a crucial period because I used it to work through what had happened, and there’s no way we could have achieved such a good outcome without the time this gave us.

    I’ve learned that it’s wise to agree in advance to call a “timeout” or “press pause” before arguments begin. In the past I’ve attempted to call a timeout to create the space to calm down, but this has only made matters worse.

    My partner and I now have an agreement that if either of us needs to call a timeout in an argument the other will respect the request. It can be infuriating at the time, but arguing when you are in a low mood or heightened sense of emotion is never going to assist your dialogue. Therefore, it’s important to create space as much as you can.

     3. Safely express your emotions.

    On that drive home the first thing I did was shout and scream about what had happened. My inner child had a field day as I moaned and complained to my imaginary passengers about what she’d said and how wrong she was. It was fantastic, and a very cathartic way to clear the negative energy and emotions I was holding on to around the conversation.

    When we had the initial phone call I went into a stress response as my body became flooded with cortisol, and my heart rate went through the roof. Expressing my emotions and doing lots of deep breathing on the way home helped me flush the cortisol out of my body and return it to its original state. Without doing this I would have taken those negative emotions and feelings into the resumption of the fight on my return home.

    The intense emotions we have during a fight form a negative filter through which we see the relationship. There’s not much our partners can say that we won’t interpret the wrong way when we come from this place. That’s why it’s so important to clear the filter and express your emotions as best you can.

    It’s important to make sure that you find somewhere safe to do this, however. Doing it next to your partner won’t go down well, so get out of the house and find somewhere to express your emotions as cleanly and safely as possible so you don’t take it into your next fight,

    4. What if…?

    Once I’d let go of the emotions I started to calm down, and it was only then that I realized I could let go of the story I’d been telling myself. It was at this point I decided to tell myself a new story that started with “What if…”

    “What if she had a point?”

    “What if I wasn’t being honest with myself?”

    “What if I wasn’t taking responsibility for something?”

    This provided a new lens through which to see the situation. With my strong emotions now expressed it was like a fog had been lifted, and I could see the situation from a new vantage point. This new perspective allowed me to completely shift my thinking on what had happened and relinquish my grip on the version of events I had concocted to help deal with my partner’s “hard” response.

    5. Take responsibility.

    From that simple question I realized that there was plenty I could take responsibility for, that I was ignoring based on my initial triggered response. I was shocked because once I found one thing, I found another, and another. By the end, I could take responsibility for almost all of what happened.

    It would have been easier to take responsibility for either nothing (be stubborn) or everything (be a people-pleaser). But the more honest I was with myself, the more I could distinguish between what was mine and what was not.

    For example, we had made a clear agreement about what time I would get back. I knew the food was going to be late, so I could have explained to my friends and left without eating. I knew I didn’t have a watch, so I could have checked on the time from somewhere else.

    Previously I’d been telling myself the story that I needed in order to ensure I wasn’t in the wrong and to protect the scared little boy inside myself that was upset at being made to feel bad.

    This also helped me to realize what I was not prepared to take responsibility for. I was being accused of some things that weren’t right. In fights we easily turn critiques about our actions into criticisms of our character. So, for example, in this scenario I was late home because I didn’t prioritize my partner. This is a critique (and is true); however, a criticism would be that this action makes me a selfish person (not true).

    Taking ownership for what was mine helped me release responsibility for what was not. This helped me to feel much stronger and clearer in owning my part in the situation and how I communicated it to my partner, as a result.

    6. Respect your partner’s process.

    When I arrived home I was excited to share what I’d learned with my partner and imagined us having a great conversation about it. That didn’t happen because she was still really annoyed with me. I came through the door with this great insight and awareness about the argument and how and why I’d behaved as I had. However, I was met with stonewalling.

    I’d used the journey home to vent and express my feelings, so the emotions in me had subsided. However, my partner had been sat at home the whole time stewing and making matters bigger and badder in her head, so we were in very different places. She still needed to express those emotions and get them out of her system before she was able to communicate with me in a productive way, and I needed to create space for her to do that.

    That was really tough because I realized I was in one place (emotionally and physically expressed, and now ready to take responsibility for what was mine), whereas she was somewhere else (still emotional and not ready for a rational conversation).

    7. Create the “container.”

    Fights often get out of control when you are both full of emotion and expressing it from a place of fear. The most important thing missing in most fights is a safe space within which to share and be heard

    When my partner and I fight we often fight for space to be heard as much as we argue about whatever the fight appeared to be about. Most fights are secret battles for power in the relationship and not really about whatever started them.

    To fight well requires one of you to have enough presence, away from your emotions, to create a safe space (or the “container”) within which to have the conversation.

    Once my partner’s emotions had calmed I asked if she was okay to have a conversation about what had happened because I wanted to share with her some things I wanted to take responsibility for. She agreed, and we were then able to have that conversation where I took responsibility for what was mine and we discussed what was not for me to take.

    I found that leading and taking responsibility for what was mine made her more trusting in me, which added to the safety we’d developed in creating the “container.” This made her much more understanding and able to take responsibility for what was hers.

    It really helped me when she said the simple words “I was wrong to say you were selfish.” I felt validated, which helped further develop the trust we had for each other.

    She would never have been able to admit that if we’d not created the sufficient safety for us both to be honest with each other.

    —

    This certainly wasn’t an easy conversation, but it would never have been possible if we hadn’t taken steps to create some space to express our emotions, take responsibility for what was ours, and then create a safe environment within which to discuss it.

    I learned that it’s not what we fight about but how we fight that’s most important.

  • How to Avoid Petty Fights and Get What You Need in Your Relationship

    How to Avoid Petty Fights and Get What You Need in Your Relationship

    “It’s never overreacting to ask for what you want and need.” ~Amy Poehler

    It was yet another stupid argument that escalated from nothing to a hundred miles an hour in seconds. I’d been there so many times before, entrenched in warfare with us both preparing our defenses and priming our attacks.

    The intense emotions of the moment always took over, denying me the opportunity that hindsight would later afford me. Huge issues were, upon reflection, only minor disagreements about who had said what about the cooking, or where something had been left in the bathroom.

    On this occasion, once again we were both 100% committed to our side of the argument, when I stopped and thought:

    “This is crazy. What am I missing? There must be another way.”

    In that moment I had an insight that revolutionized my relationship and how I relate with my partner. But before I explain, let’s rewind a little.

    In the beginning, our relationship was pretty typical. Things started off great because we were really curious about each other. There wasn’t much judgment, as we always gave each other the benefit of the doubt, and with a lot of goodwill between us, we always knew we had each other’s best interests at heart.

    The adrenaline was pumping and the dopamine flowing, as we were in hormonal ecstasy with the excitement of exploring unchartered territory, something that made us so interesting to each other.

    After the honeymoon period, though, things started to become a bit routine. We started assuming things about each other, thinking we knew the other’s responses and desires because, after all, we’d been together a while now. I would always think, “I know you.” Only I didn’t know her anywhere near as well as I thought I did, and because of that assumption things started to go sour.

    This happened because we were not consciously aware of our own core needs, or each other’s. As a result, we couldn’t meet those needs for ourselves or communicate them in a way that empowered each other to meet them. So instead, we created unconscious strategies to get our needs met, like nagging and manipulation, which led to blurred boundaries and resentments.

    Eventually we became co-dependent, as we felt as if we each needed the other to keep us happy and satisfied. We knew we weren’t getting along as we once did, but we had no idea why. Now I know.

    We all have core needs, and they drive most of our behaviors, whether we realize it or not. By core needs I mean elements like safety, connection, autonomy, peace, meaning, and love.

    When we aren’t consciously aware of our core needs it’s often because we’ve become too distracted by other egoic needs, like the need for success, wealth, control, and dominance. Our core needs then become misunderstood and miscommunicated, which leads to us meeting our partner’s needs under duress or not at all.

    Here’s a simple example from my life to explain.

    Around a year ago my partner and I were having some minor ructions in our relationship. Nothing major, just some low-level tremors. I’m sure you know the type.

    I’d moved into her house a few months earlier, and we were still navigating the “how things are done around here” phase of the relationship, as I saw it. One of the areas of frustration for me was that she was always asking me to do things she could quite easily do herself, like taking out the trash.

    I’d do this, but kept thinking it would be easier if she did it herself whenever she noticed instead of always asking me. It triggered a lot of stuff in me, and I didn’t handle it well. I’d either fly off the handle and lash out, saying something I’d later regret, or I’d repress my emotions and go passive-aggressive, pretending everything was fine as my blood silently boiled.

    On this occasion, though, I stopped and slowed down. I became curious about why this was so important to her, and we had a conversation that changed everything for me.

    For my partner, I wasn’t just taking the trash out. I was meeting her need to feel safe and protected, and ultimately, loved. When she asked me to take out the trash, it wasn’t because she was being lazy. It was because, for one reason or another, this met those needs for her.

    The problem was, she’d never shared that this was about more than taking out the trash, so I interpreted her words through the lens of my life experiences and childhood memories, and it annoyed the hell out of me. But when I learned about the core need I was meeting for her, I totally understood it. Now I love putting the trash out, and I never thought I’d ever say that.

    When we continued to explore this I realized it went beyond the trash. I protect her and make her feel safe in many areas of our lives, which in turn makes her feel loved and cared for. Other things that met the same need for her were:

    • Securing the house before bed
    • Checking the car before long journeys
    • Standing on the outside of the path
    • Looking after our dog

    It’s worth noting here that we must also be able to meet our own needs. This isn’t about solely depending on someone else to make us feel how we want to feel.

    If we put the responsibility of meeting all our needs in someone else’s hands, we’ll never feel whole, strong, independent, or in control of our happiness and contentment. We’ll likely end up using unconscious strategies, like nagging or manipulation, to get our needs met, as my partner and I did. And we’ll also become increasingly needy and controlling.

    The key is to create a balance between honoring own needs and communicating with our partner when there’s a need they can meet, if they’re willing and able.

    We must also be aware that sometimes our needs might clash. For example, you and your partner might both have a need to feel safe and may look to each other to meet that need in the same exact way. In these situations it’s crucial that you become aware of this and discuss it together to find compromises that support you both.

    The important thing is that you understand what’s driving each of you so can set the stage for open communication and loving compromise instead of getting caught up in the same petty arguments over and over again.

    This can be harder than you may think. Oftentimes we don’t realize that our partner’s frustrating, demanding requests are actually badly communicated unmet needs, and we also don’t realize our own motivations.

    How can we dig a little deeper to get to the root of the issues? Here’s a simple exercise I learned from Harville Hendrix to help you and your partner understand, communicate, and meet each other’s needs:

    Step 1: Put aside some time and create a peaceful, intimate space for you and your partner.

    Turn off your cell phones, put the kids to bed, if you have any, and take a moment to create a safe and relaxing space between you both.

    Step 2: Get two pieces of paper so you can each write the answers to these three questions:

    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they currently do?
    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they’ve stopped doing?
    • What do you need from your partner to help you feel loved and cared for that they’ve never done before?

    Once you have completed writing out your list, highlight the ones that are most important to you.

    Step 3: Now swap your sheet with your partner.

    Take a look at their list and get curious about them. Ask questions to better understand the needs behind each one.

    For example, it may not seem particularly important to you to give each other a play-by-play of your day right after work. But this might meet your partner’s need to feel connected to you and express their emotions.

    Once you peel back the layers, you’ll be better able to create compromises if need be. So if you require space right after work to decompress, you could suggest discussing each other’s day over dinner, instead, so you both get your needs met.

    Step 4: Get clear on what you can and can’t do—and commit.

    Note on each other’s lists which things you are prepared to do for each other and which you are not. Then share this with each other and commit to doing one thing on each other’s list every day for two weeks.

    Step 5: Communicate throughout the process.

    Whenever your partner does one of your requests thank them for it and tell them how you feel as a result. This is important because you will both become more committed to this exercise when you understand the impact you are making for each other.

    —

    I’ve done this exercise with my partner, and it was a simple and moving experience. You will find that your partner’s needs are not always what you think they are, and the simple things that might seem inconsequential to you are the ones that mean the most to them.

  • Beyond Sorry: A Better Way to Handle Conflict in Your Relationship

    Beyond Sorry: A Better Way to Handle Conflict in Your Relationship

    “Sorry isn’t always enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.” ~Unknown

    When I was young I was like every other kid, always in and out of trouble. I pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in order to see what I could get away with. When I pushed, I’d often keep on pushing until someone said “stop.”

    During my childhood I heard lots of:

    “STOP!!” 

    Quickly followed by:

    “Say you’re sorry.”

    Say those two magical words, “I’m sorry,” and all the pain will go away. Then I’ll be back in the good books and can go play with my friends again.

    During this time I received another strong message that many children hear. It’s the one that says some of your feelings are not a good thing. That’s because I was told:

    Don’t look sad.

    Don’t cry.

    Don’t be scared.

    This led to me feel guilt and even shame about the expression of certain feelings. As a result, over time I was less able to acknowledge feelings in myself and others. These two elements, when combined years later, went on to cause real problems for me. This is because I was now in front of an angry partner and I went back to what I learned as a child.

    I repressed my feelings, tried to look sad, and said “I’m sorry.”

    This time, however, I wasn’t speaking to my parents. It was my partner who was very sensitive to the fact that the words alone weren’t enough.

    My apology now created more harm than good, and I didn’t have a clue what to do about it. My relationships suffered for years, as we would both regress back to childhood archetypal patterns of behavior. This is where we’d indulge in hierarchical relationships, playing out childhood habits with the husband/wife dynamic expressed as mother/son or father/daughter. This killed the trust and intimacy in our relationship, and was a fast track to either breakup, or long-term dissatisfaction and resentment.

    In one particularly fractious relationship I remember always saying sorry because I thought it was what my partner wanted me to say. I knew that she thought she was right, and therefore I must be wrong. We didn’t have the skills to navigate ourselves to a mutually agreeable resolution, so the shortcut to a life of harmony was for me to accept that I was wrong.

    Based on what I learned as a child, saying sorry was the natural response. It seemed to be by far the easiest way to resolve our differences, but it didn’t work. The hierarchy this created ultimately ended that relationship, as I failed to communicate with my partner on the equal footing we both needed for it to work.

    How I’d learned to behave all those years ago clearly wasn’t working, and I desperately needed an alternative to manage the difficult conversations I was now having in my relationships.

    As I moved from relationship to relationship I managed to work through this and developed new skills that helped me grow and heal the wounds from my past. These new skills required me to access the very emotions I was encouraged to repress when I was young and helped me create the connection, trust, and safety my relationship craved.

    Assuming you’re in a non-abusive, healthy relationship, there is an alternative, and is something I now practice almost every day. Here are four steps you can follow the next time you find yourself about to utter the dreaded words “I’m sorry”:

    Step 1: Slow down, acknowledge what’s happened, and take responsibility for your part in it.

    In any relationship there is 200% responsibility to be split 50/50 between both people. Problems happen when the split isn’t equal and people either take too little responsibility (i.e.: the victim) or too much (i.e.: the co-dependent).

    Developing an honest, open, trusting relationship starts with ensuring you take 100% responsibility for what is yours to take, and no more. By doing this you can create a clear line between what is yours and what is not. This then empowers your partner to do the same.

    A while back I noticed how my relationship had become strained, and I felt as if I was either saying “I’m sorry” to my partner, or she was expecting me to. I had been trying to resolve the problems we were having by looking outside of myself and blaming my partner; so I decided to turn things 180 degrees. I looked at myself, got honest, took responsibility, and I told my partner.

    I told her that I had noticed things were strained and I was committed to doing something about it. I explained that I had been projecting lots of beliefs on to her about her not being good enough. These were beliefs I held about myself, and it wasn’t fair to project these on to her. I apologized for doing that and said I was taking my judgments back and owning them.

    Taking responsibility in our lives is key to developing positive relationships of trust and intimacy where there was previously victimhood and blame. Even when you think others haven’t noticed your victimhood, they have. People notice when you are projecting onto them, and they can feel the difference when you stand powerfully in your truth and take full responsibility for your actions.

    Step 2: Describe your feelings regarding what happened. Speak honestly and share what comes up for you.

    Feelings can be used as weapons in relationships in order to apportion blame, such as claims like:

    “You made me feel like this.”

    But when we connect to our own feelings, take responsibility for what we feel, and honestly communicate them to others, we provide a platform for connection. From this place of vulnerability we stop being like teflon, with everything sliding off us, and instead become sticky and able to create bonds and connection with our partners.

    When I took responsibility for the problems in my relationship I shared how I felt. I explained how I was embarrassed about how I’d behaved. I shared how I was scared what she might think of me for being so honest, and I was sad that I hadn’t managed to open up about it sooner.

    Think of the times in your life when you really bonded with your friends or partner. This happens during times of high emotion, both the good and bad. It’s easy to bond and create connection during periods of high emotion and good mood. It takes a lot more to use more difficult emotions to create deep connection. However, it’s these emotions and the vulnerability that we bring to them, where the deepest connections are made.

    Step 3: Empathize by sharing what feelings and emotions they must have felt in response to what happened.

    When we say “I’m sorry” it encourages us to access the situation from our perspective and via our feelings and emotions. In order for our words to be heard we need to demonstrate that we truly understand our partner’s world and not just our own. For that, we need empathy.

    Empathy is a difficult skill because it requires us to recognize the uncomfortable feelings our partner is feeling. It also requires us to access those feelings within ourselves, and then reflect them back to our partner. Lack of empathy is a symptom of us not wanting, or able, to be vulnerable to others’ difficulties because of the way their feelings will make us feel. That’s why it’s important for us to get more familiar with the full range of our emotions, and not just the “good” ones.

    Here are two quick tips to help you to develop more empathy. Firstly, start with the sentence string “I imagine…” This is because it encourages you to enter your partner’s world for a moment. It encourages you to get out of your point of view and see things with fresh eyes. For example: “I imagine you must be feeling really angry and sad about what happened.”

    Secondly, notice your tendency to blame and judge. Judgment is the antithesis of empathy and should be avoided at all costs.

    Step 4: Validate your partner by telling them that what they have shared makes logical sense to you, and why.

    For reasons I am yet to fathom, we are guilt- and shame-creating machines. We love to make ourselves feel bad about what we do and create doubt about what we feel. That’s why being validated for what we feel is so important.

    The reality is we don’t have any choice about what we feel. Something happens and our body, mind, and soul respond in a certain way that’s beyond our control. We can’t select the positive emotions we want to feel in response to what’s happened and avoid the ones we dislike.

    Deep down we judge ourselves for whether our response is right/wrong or good/bad. So being told that our response makes complete sense helps us feel accepted and seen. To be told why it makes sense is like the cherry on top of the cake. It helps us feel as if someone really understands us and sees us for who we really are and how we really feel.

    —

    The intention behind saying “I’m sorry” is focused on yourself. Its primary intention is to get a quick resolution to the problem, and move on. However, the intention behind this alternative approach above is focused on your partner. This time the primary intention is to demonstrate that you understand them and to own your part in what happened.

    Apologizing and clearing resentments are two of the most important skills you can learn in a relationship. No one taught us how to do this, so instead we can regress to childhood habits in order to navigate these delicate areas. As I look back to when I started applying these changes in my relationship I’m amazed what a powerful impact it had on me and my partner.

    Coming from this new place felt freeing and very powerful. Instead of apologizing and feeling lesser or smaller, I stood taller like some weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

    The impact it had on my partner was huge. She now felt seen, understood, prioritized, and safe. She trusted me again in a much deeper way than before. That’s because when we take responsibility and apologize in this deeper way it frees us of our burdens and makes us feel more authentic and real, as a result. This can help us to use conflict in our relationship to actually improve and deepen connection and that’s a skill we could all do with.