Author: Michele Lian

A Daily Self-Care Ritual for Anyone Who Feels Lost in Life
“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” ~Jean Shinoda Bolen

We all get lost sometimes.

So lost that we lose track of who we are, where we’re going, what we want, and how to give ourselves what we need to feel nourished and healthy.

I’ve been there many times, enough times to realize that it’s an inevitable part of life, to realize that it’s okay to get lost.

The triggers? They’re never predictable.

Some are subtle and prolonged; some are brief but so huge they knock me off my feet and leave me reeling from shock: the pain of not fitting in at school as a teenager, the sudden death of my father when I was away at university, my first serious breakup, the time I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship but couldn’t work up the courage to leave, a betrayal by a friend that made me question if everything that we shared was even real.

At times like these, when I find myself down on my knees, the first thing to go out the window is my motivation to take care of myself.

I either eat too much or stop eating. I stay in bed all day. I don’t drink enough water. I drink too much alcohol. I become unkind to myself. I lose patience with myself and others.

It just feels easier to not care.

It was only in recent years, when I hit my mid-thirties, that I became aware of how repeating this cycle of behaviors wasn’t serving me in any way. In fact, they were keeping me stuck in a negative place and holding me back from healing and moving forward.

It’s been during this time that I decided to break that cycle and give my intuition the voice and attention it deserved by making the following self-care steps a part of my life.

I give myself permission to not feel motivated all the time.

I always thought that motivation was this bright, powerful flame of desire that would drive me to do what was good for me, no matter what.

After all, if something was important enough, I should want to do it all the time, right?

Not really.

As time passed and I gained more experience in life, I came to realize that there will be highs and there will be lows where I’ll feel like jumping off the moving train because it feels like too much work to stay on it.

It’s important that you recognize this and allow yourself to be in this place without feeling guilty about it. Give yourself the space you need to breathe and be still, then gradually start easing yourself into taking the steps you need to get to where you want to be.

I set an intention for the day the minute I wake up.

When life has knocked you off your feet and you aren’t sure where to go, the thoughts that go through your head in the first few minutes of your day can mean the difference between getting closer to the path of healing or drifting further away from it.

Instead of allowing negative thoughts to take center stage in my mind the way they used to, I now guide my thoughts to these two steps the minute I wake up:
- I think of three things that I’m grateful for, and then…
- I set an intention for the day ahead. This can be something as simple as keeping my spirits up throughout the day, or something more challenging, such as coming up with ten actionable solutions for a difficult situation that I may be facing.
Your intention doesn’t have to be difficult or complicated. It just has to be meaningful to you.

I prioritize getting enough restful sleep.

Over the past few years, I experienced several violent break-ins into my home, and at the same time was struggling to deal with an emotionally abusive relationship.

As a result, anxiety became a constant companion, making it difficult for me to fall and stay asleep.

Now as I heal, doing my best to make sure that I get enough sleep each night has become a priority for me, and this means having a pre-sleep ritual in place:
- I make sure my computer is turned off by 8 p.m. and that I head to bed at the same time every night.
- I don’t drink coffee, but I love tea, so I stick to caffeine-free teas after 4 p.m..
- I spend an hour before I plan to go to bed doing something that helps me let go of the stresses, excitement, and chaos of the day, and this typically means spending time with my dog and family, reading, talking to a friend, or going through a soothing yoga sequence. Within this hour, I also spend five to ten minutes questioning any stressful thoughts that I might have, with the help of Byron Katie’s “The Work” so that they have less power over me and are less likely to keep me up during the night.
If you’re finding it difficult to sleep restfully for at least seven hours a night, I encourage you to start putting together a pre-sleep routine that will help calm your mind and body down to make falling and staying asleep feel easier.

I focus on building mindfulness.

Having been an emotional eater since my teens, it can be easy for me to fall back into my old pattern of turning to food for comfort when stress and anxiety get the better of me.

This is why nurturing mindfulness is an important part of my daily routine, especially when things get rough.

Rather than numb myself with food, alcohol, compulsive shopping, or some other habit that helps me avoid facing the difficult emotions I’m experiencing, I acknowledge their presence, the discomfort that they’re stirring up in me, and what the old me used to do when they came up.

I then consciously make the decision to not give in to those old habits—habits that I know will ultimately drag me down and hold me back from getting back on my feet.

If you’re struggling to give up a habit that you know isn’t good for you, here’s my challenge to you: Every time you’re tempted to say yes to that box of donuts, bottle of wine, or pity party, ask yourself, “Is this going to make me stronger?” If your answer is no, move away from it.

I make gentle movement a part of my day.

I know I can’t be happy and capable if my body isn’t healthy and strong, so I make time three to five times a week to exercise.

If I’m not in a good place and am running low on energy, I can’t make it through an intense workout that involves heavy equipment, so I shift gears and go slow with my own body weight instead.

Fitness isn’t always about going hard and fast all the time or getting flat abs—it also means being able to listen to your body and spirit so that you can add purposeful movement into your day that helps you build the resilience you need to deal with the anxieties of everyday life.

I learn something new that will strengthen me from the inside out every day.

Whenever I feel stuck in a rut or painful place, I often have my gut telling me that it’s because I may not yet have the necessary skills, insights, or right mindset to heal and break free from it.

This is why I set a goal to learn one new thing every single day by reading a book, blog post, listening to a podcast, or even connecting with someone who has more experience than I do so I can approach life or a particular situation that I’m in from a fresh perspective.

The internal shifts that happen don’t have to be huge, but they do add up in a way that makes a significant difference to my life: I gradually become stronger, gain more clarity, and start feeling more confident about taking that first step in a new, healthier direction.

No matter how low or lost you feel right now, I want you to know this: There’s always a way out and up, and it will always start from within you.
October 24, 2016
When Being Positive Can Hurt You and What To Do About It
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

While confiding in a friend one day, I mentioned how I’d been feeling a little blue.

“Snap out of it,” he said, matter-of-factly.

While this wasn’t the first time I’d received advice like this, or heard someone else being on the receiving end of the likes of it, it still left me feeling as if there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t just snap out of it.

He went on: “You’ve just got to be positive.”

If only it was that easy to turn off that negativity switch in your head permanently, and dial up the one labeled “sunshine and rainbows” to 24/7.

Let’s get real here: For someone who’s struggling with challenging circumstances like depression, heartbreak, or even major self-doubt, and isn’t ready to put on the rose-tinted glasses just yet, pretending to be positive isn’t going to work (nor is it healthy).

Forcing yourself to jump on the positivity bandwagon when you really feel like crawling into a cave may even create more feelings of confusion and disconnectedness (I’ve been there, done that), and distract you from the things you should be doing to get better.

Instead of trying to sweep difficult feelings under the rug and put on an upbeat front, here’s what you can do to make them work for you:

Be okay with feeling sad and asking for help.

Sometimes, life does feels like crap.

It’s okay to feel that way—life doesn’t have to feel happy, positive, and easy all the time. I’m not asking you to wallow in self-indulgent pity indefinitely, but to be present with this emotion, giving yourself time to experience and respect it.

It’s also fine to be okay with the fact that that cheesy, motivational poster your friend emailed to you isn’t making it all better. You don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed about not connecting with someone else’s way of coping with the hard stuff.

In fact, the “negative” emotions you experience are just as important as the positive ones in helping you cope with life’s ups and downs because they give you vital clues about what’s going on in your life, as well as help you evaluate and give meaning to your circumstances.

Often, these emotions point to the fact that something needs to be fixed, and while not every difficult situation has a straightforward solution, what you can do get through this time is to ask for help.

Take this opportunity to reach out to the people who are important to you—allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone you care about will also give them permission to help and feel more deeply connected to you.

Make self-compassion a part of your life.

When I’m running low on my positivity reserves, one thing I find helpful with coping is to give myself compassion. This doesn’t mean skating over painful conflicts or letting myself off the hook when I make a mistake; it means that I:
- Review my actions and acknowledge why I chose to act a certain way after I’ve made a mistake instead of being harsh and judgmental (“you reacted this way because you were feeling hurt” versus “you’re such a loser”).
- Accept that I’m not perfect after an unexpected binge, examine why it happened, and choose to make a healthier choice at my next meal instead of giving up on eating healthily altogether.
- Allow myself to go for a walk because I want to instead of subscribing to the ‘no pain, no gain’ mentality by forcing myself to go to the gym even though I’m not feeling up for it.
There’s no need for a fake upbeat façade or over-the-top cheerleading here; just being understanding, kind, and nurturing toward you.

Focus on tiny steps you can take every single day.

Now that you’ve deleted that cheesy motivational poster, ask yourself, “What steps can I take to help me feel better and get out of this slump?”

This could be:
- Scheduling an appointment with your boss to discuss why the frequent late nights at the office aren’t working for you.
- Spending five minutes before bed meditating to calm your mind so you don’t spend the night tossing and turning, and feel exhausted the next day.
- Taking an hour on Sunday to prepare all the ingredients you need for your week’s lunches so you don’t have to eat the foods that trigger your binge eating.
- Sitting with your partner to tell him or her that you’re not happy, and haven’t been for awhile, and that you’d like to figure out why together.
- Letting your friend know that she hurt your feelings instead of trying to ignore the tension and discomfort between the both of you.
Taking steps to change instead of faking an upbeat front can do wonders in helping you to lift those heavy, grey clouds off your shoulders.

And remember, small wins add up to bigger wins, and more reasons to start feeling happier, more confident, and in the perfect position to feel positive…when you really mean it.

Rose colored glasses image via Shutterstock
October 18, 2015
How To Stop Giving Up On Yourself And Reach Your Full Potential

“Live up to your potential, not down to other people’s expectations.”

“Are you okay?” asked one of my editors.

“Yeah,” I said. But I wasn’t.

It was 11.30pm and I had just returned from a lengthy press conference where a major political announcement had just been made. My article was due in the next twenty minutes.

A panic attack was quietly tightening its grip on me.

Although I didn’t want to admit it, work was beginning to feel like Groundhog Day.

I wanted to write, but in the fast-paced newsroom where I worked as a junior reporter close to fourteen hours a day, delving deep into subjects I was truly passionate about wasn’t something I was able to do.

Every day was chase, report, repeat. I wanted so much more than that.

But I refused to quit because I wasn’t a quitter, so I held on.

Six months later and a year-and-a-half into my job, waking up and going to work was leaving me feeling inadequate and empty. Every assignment I got felt like a massive struggle.

I was still adamant about not giving up, but I also knew that going on this way wasn’t a healthy option, so reluctantly, I chose to walk away from the newsroom.

Giving up made me feel like a failure at the time, but now as I look back, I see my decision for what it was: my instincts telling me what was a good fit for me and what wasn’t, and me, honoring it.

The one regret that I have is not realizing this and making the change sooner.

What happened when I subsequently went after the things that really called to me?

Excitement.

I looked forward to challenges, not dread them.

I gave 150% and never gave up.

Success!

If you constantly find yourself unable to finish what you start, jumping from one job, relationship, or diet to another without seeing progress, or feeling as if you’re a failure at everything you do, here are three things you need to do:

Stop trying to fix yourself and forcing yourself to do things you don’t really want to do.

Break the chain of moving from one thing to the next and trying to fit into a role that’s not right for you by taking some time out to figure out: What do you find meaningful and joyful, and how can you pursue that in your life instead of following your (or someone else’s) ‘shoulds’?

What can you do to feel purposeful, in control, and good about yourself, and see results, rather than constantly feel exhausted, empty, and as if you need to be fixed?

To get momentum going, try this simple exercise, which will help you get to the core of why you want something: Ask yourself “What do I want to accomplish?” When you’ve got the answer to this question, ask “Why?” Then, with whatever answer you come up with, ask why to that, and so on, five times.

Not sure how to begin? Here’s how it worked for me when I was struggling with my weight:

Q: What do you want to accomplish?
A: I want to stop binge eating.

Q: Why do you want to stop binge eating?
A: Because I want to feel in control of my body.

Q: Why do you want to feel in control of your body?
A: So I can feel confident.

Q: Why do you want to feel confident?
A: So I can stop avoiding social situations and feeling self-conscious about being overweight.

Q: Why do you want to stop avoiding social situations and feeling self-conscious about being overweight?
A: Because I want to start living again.

Q: Why do you want to start living again?
A: So I can get the most out of my life without wasting time hating how I look and feel.

This final answer put me in touch with a painful situation I never wanted to relive again. I wanted so much more out of life than that.

Yours, like mine did, will serve as a compelling reason to put in the work needed to accomplish what you set out to do, in congruence with your deepest-held values. It’ll pull you up and forward, not down.

Work with who you want to be—you’ll find yourself feeling whole instead of constantly struggling to connect the missing dots.

Focus on things you can control instead of focusing on outcomes.

There are a million things that are out of your control: the weather, natural disasters, what other people think of your presentation, and your colleague’s insensitive comment about your weight.

There are, however, a million other things that you can control.

These include the little habits you can nurture to help get you to where you want to be:

Waking up thirty minutes earlier to plan your day, parking a little further to get your daily 10,000 steps in, making a beeline for your colleague’s desk for a stress-relieving chat instead of to the pantry (where the donuts are), or responding to emails at fixed times during your day so you can work more efficiently and leave the office at 5pm to be with your kids.

Once a week, ask yourself: “How am I doing?”

If something isn’t working, find out why and focus on doing what you can do to change the outcome. You’re the captain of your ship—chart your course, do your best to be equipped with the skills that will help you weather storms that come your way, and let go of the rest.

Get out of the race—life’s not a competition.

You know the grind: Go, go, go! Deadlines are close. Time is money. Got to keep up with the Joneses. The clock’s ticking. That promotion is up for grabs. The thinner you are, the more popular you’ll be.

But what if this rush for bigger, better, faster, and thinner keeps leaving you burnt out, unhealthy, depressed, and frustrated?

Consider tweaking your priorities: Wouldn’t digging deep, zeroing on your deepest desires, and taking careful, methodical steps toward them leave you feeling calmer, happier, in your best shape ever, and focused on what matters to you in the long run?

The less you focus on competing with others, the more time you’ll have to spend on nurturing your own happiness and reaching your full potential.

So guess what? It’s time you gave up giving up on yourself.

If you’re ready to throw in the towel and walk away (again), what can you do to break this cycle to head in the right direction?

Unlock your potential image via Shutterstock

July 16, 2015
5 Habit Makeovers That Will Help You Turn Your Life Around
“Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days ahead.” ~Kris Carr

Around this time four years ago, my life was a mess.

Work-wise, I felt like I had hit a wall. The relationship I was in (or so I thought I was) was turning out to be a one-way street on which I was being taken for a long, long, painful ride.

Taking care of myself was something I did only when I remembered to, or during unpredictable moments of clarity or calm within the little emotional tornado I was spinning around and around in.

Just surviving each day was my priority.

The cumulative toxicity of all these wrongs were making me feel jaded, physically ill, and almost on the brink of despair.

Luckily for me (although I didn’t consider myself lucky at the time), things came to a head just before Christmas of 2013, thanks to one small step I decided to take.

I decided that I’d had enough, and walked away—for good.

Despite the pain, my life changed for the better that very instant. I felt lighter. Relieved. Free. As if I could finally rest my head on my pillow and sleep like baby.

By then, I had also left my full-time job and started out on my own.

I was ready to move on.

But before that, I spent months in a self-imposed rehab period, analyzing everything that went wrong in the last couple of years, why I let them happen, and what I was going to do to move not just forward, but upward.

So where did I go wrong?

I was a “yes” person.

Whenever someone asked something of me, I never said no.

Why?

Because I wanted to be liked and accepted by everyone. “If I say no, maybe this person wouldn’t love me,” I thought to myself.

Looking back, it became clear how ridiculous and dangerous this mindset was. No matter how hard I tried or what I did, there was always someone who would get offended, or upset with me. Being a “yes” person was leaving me drained, resentful, and angry.

The more I said yes, the more I got myself into situations I would later regret, and the more I let myself be used.

When I reached my breaking point, I finally said no for the first time, and it left me feeling liberated. So I kept doing it, as much as I needed to.

Life began to feel easier. I had fewer obligations and more time on my hands to focus on re-grouping, healing, and the people I truly wanted to spend time with.

Your “yes” makeover: Start practicing saying no. You will never be able to, nor should you be obligated to, make everyone happy, even if you tried. And by doing this, you’ll learn how to say yes only when you truly mean it. You’ll start to make better decisions from your gut, not social pressure or a chronic need for validation or approval.

Nourishing my body was not my priority.

When everything seems to be going wrong, you’re anxious, sad, confused, and lost, the last thing you’ll want to do is have to choose between that extra large pizza and salad for lunch.

Eating might not even be on your radar if you’re going through a rough, traumatic patch.

But here’s the thing: I’d been on both ends of the spectrum, eating too much and then not eating at all for days when life got overwhelming. Both options left me feeling and looking worse off than I already was.

Unwanted weight gain sapped my self-confidence and added to my daily stressors, while too little nourishment left me feeling weak and unable to cope with life.

I adapted by simplifying my meals—I ate more fruit and salads, which didn’t require much cooking and minimal preparation. I let people cook for me and bring me food.

I took a multivitamin every day. I snacked whenever I could. I scheduled my meals as much as possible so that I was constantly reminded to eat. I knew that if I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t be able to get through this storm. As I healed, so did my eating habits.

Your diet makeover: When you’re struggling to take care of yourself, know that it’s okay to make imperfect food choices. It’s okay let others help you.

Add more structure to your meal times so you make a conscious effort to nourish your body. Eat with friends to lift your spirits. The joy will come back. The better you get at this, the better you’ll be able take care of yourself the next time life knocks you down.

I held on to toxic relationships.

Whenever I was around the wrong people, I’d feel one or a combination of these emotions: doubtful, sad, agitated, uneasy, or just plain tired, as if the wind had been knocked out of my sails. In contrast, the right people made me feel light, playful, at ease, uplifted, motivated, and supported.

As I got stronger and started making clear-cut decision about who could stay in my life and who would get the boot, I came up with guidelines that would make the weeding out process easier.

If someone:
- Continuously took without ever giving back to me (or anyone else)
- Turned every disagreement around to make it look like it was my fault
- Belittled my hopes and feelings
- Verbally abused me
- Lied to me
- Was unable to take responsibility for their mistakes and prefers to play the blame game
I walked away. No exceptions. Life is way too short to spend with the wrong people.

Your toxic relationship makeover: Give everyone in your life three chances to make things right when they do something to hurt you. Three strikes later, if nothing changes, don’t just walk away—run. I know this sounds harsh, but doing this has allowed me to regain control over who I want in my life, and who I don’t, and my peace of mind.

I stopped dreaming.

It takes faith and determination to keep the fires within your soul burning, even more so when you’re running on empty with a bruised heart and spirit.

I went on this way for years until I eventually stopped hoping and dreaming, because I felt so trapped.

My self-imposed ‘rehab’ time was perfect for giving this part of my soul much needed TLC.

I re-started my fires by devouring as many books as I could. Danielle LaPorte’s The Fire Starter Sessions, Jonathan Fields’ Uncertainty, Napoleon Hill’s Think And Grow Rich, and Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth were instrumental in helping me piece back my spirit, world and dreams.

I spent a lot of time excavating, exploring, tweaking, re-discovering, and building.

I opened myself up to deeper conversations, made peace with my mistakes and weak decisions, and started connecting instead of avoiding.

Baby sparks eventually grew into larger-than-life flames.

Your dream makeover Your dreams didn’t die overnight, so take your time getting them back. Getting clarity about what you really want will help you decide the first steps you’ll need to take.

Try doing this simple, but powerful exercise: Ask yourself, “What do I want to accomplish?” Then with whatever answer you come up with, ask why to that, and so on, five times.

Start re-kindling your flame from here.

Too much stillness crept into my life.

The darker and bigger the grey clouds around me got, the heavier I started to feel, physically and emotionally. I dragged my feet wherever I went. The thought of exercising felt like a chore, using up energy I felt I no longer had.

So I gradually stopped.

As a result, I started to feel stagnant, sluggish, and unhealthy. I loved getting my regular flush of adrenaline and post-workout endorphins, but I just couldn’t get going.

There were, however, two things I could do that I found therapeutic and beneficial to my physical health: walking and yoga. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for high-speed, high-intensity, as-many-rounds-as-possible circuits just yet. And that, too, was okay.

Long, head space-clearing walks, rhythmic, breath-centered sun salutations, and gentle stretches became my salvation, so I did more of those.

Your movement makeover: When it comes to exercise, do what is right for you when it is right for you. If hard and fast is your usual routine, it doesn’t mean that you need to force yourself to keep up with it despite not being in the right mental space for it.

Not listening to your gut (and body) could leave you vulnerable to injury and unable to make the most of your training. If you’ve never exercised, just getting out and moving could make a world of difference.

But whatever you do, don’t stay still.

Be gentle on yourself, and learn to bend as the wind blows—you’ll gain a deeper kind of strength from within.

Are you going through dark patch or on the mend from one right now?

I’d love to know which toxic habit makeover resonates with you the most, and what you plan to do to turn things around.
July 2, 2015