“Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos
I used to be the kind of girl who relished stable and perfect surroundings. I fanned my magazines. I scrubbed the inside of the refrigerator.
I worked tirelessly to cultivate the external environment that I was lacking inside.
Externally, things were in order. The bills were paid. The laundry was folded.
Internally, I was a voracious black hole of yearning.
I consumed everything that was closest to me—food, love, validation—in an attempt to fill the void that I experienced on a daily basis. That feeling of not being enough, of seeking desperately for the last piece of the puzzle, the piece that would round me out and make me whole.
Instead, I obsessed over whether or not someone could find me loveable and used superficial benchmarks to validate my existence—grades, jobs, cash, and degrees from fancy schools.
But when I was truly honest with myself, I was able to notice where I was crumbling under the pressure of that external flawlessness.
How, in an effort to shellac over my imperfections, I was micromanaging those around me, offering help that had not been asked for, repairing others because I didn’t have the courage to believe I was repairable.
I required my own love and support. I needed my actions to resonate with the deeply hidden spark thriving inside my spirit, which held the space and the light in the hopes that someday I’d come to retrieve it.
Now, I often tell people that the spark inside of them, no matter how dim or deeply hidden, is like Tinker Bell as she is dying in Peter Pan. That, like Tinker Bell, that spark is enlivened and emboldened by the clapping and cheering and belief in its relevance.
That spark represents your inner wisdom, the light that will guide you directly toward a life that is tailor-fit to your specifications.
And yet, there was a time when I doubted its integrity, favoring the words and programs and gospel of experts and gurus, wanting desperately to be fixed, to be whole.
I was certain that if I just read enough or was good enough, that I would be transformed into a person deserving of a beautiful life.
It never occurred to me that I was the one that I was waiting for. (more…)