Author: Katy Cowan

  • Where True Happiness Comes From: How We Gain by Having Less

    Where True Happiness Comes From: How We Gain by Having Less

    “The things you own end up owning you. It’s only after you lose everything that you’re free to do anything.” ~Chuck Palahniuk

    Small is the new big. That is to say, minimalism and living with less is becoming a growing movement in America and it’s starting to catch on over here in the UK too.

    With the global economic crisis and changes in social attitudes, people are starting to realize that the more stuff we have, the more miserable and trapped we become. After all, stuff leads to debt, stress, and even increases our carbon footprint.

    Plus, living in larger homes with space we don’t really need only equals more stuff, more spending, and more worry. Then, when we run out of space, we move to a bigger property—or even rent storage space.

    Enough.

    Stuff doesn’t make us happy. We might get that initial glow of excitement when we purchase new things, but it doesn’t last. 

    True meaning and happiness come from experiences. From family and friends. From hobbies. It comes from the things that we do, rather than the things we own.

    Like most people, I followed the American Dream. I wanted the big house and garden. The nice car. The expensive clothes. I also wanted to portray an air of success to “get ahead” in the business world.

    As someone who runs their own business, there’s a perception that if you’re not moving along a certain path, you’re not considered to be successful. That if you don’t turn up to a meeting in a decent car or wearing expensive clothes, you won’t be taken seriously. That you’re not worth the money you’re charging.

    I guess this perception of wealth extends to our self-worth and confidence. We feel more empowered if we’re attending a meeting wearing the right clothes and carrying the right handbag, for instance.

    But then this false sentiment extends to our private lives, as well. We want our peers to think we’re successful. We’re embarrassed, for example, if we’re driving an old car or wearing last season’s fashions. We feel like we’re going backward rather than forward if we’re not “keeping up.”

    Of course, it’s easy to fall into this trap—assuming that we really must drive expensive cars, wear designer clothes, and buy things we don’t really need.

    It’s the way brands and big companies want us to feel. They want us to spend money, constantly consume, and place all our self-worth, confidence, and happiness on “stuff.”

    They want us to be on an endless mission to be happy through consumption and spending. I’m just relieved I’ve worked this out now and discovered the truth.

    Through my own endless pursuit to be happy and seemingly successful, I was miserable and constantly running on a treadmill to keep up with my excessive lifestyle. When I say excessive, it probably wouldn’t seem that way to others. Most people would see this typical way of life as pretty normal.

    At some point though, it stopped being normal to us and we had a “Eureka!” moment. We realized that we didn’t need all that space, let alone all that stuff. So, we sold our big house, got rid of our expensive car, and started to think about minimal living.

    What could we get by without? What did we really need anyway?

    Well, we’ve just bought a 600 square foot apartment in the city. It’s got one bedroom, one bathroom, an open-plan living space, and a little balcony.

    We’ve downsized our stuff and now only have what we need. Sure, there are a few luxuries but for the most part we’re a lot lighter than we used to be.

    How do we feel? We have no debt, we have less stress, and we don’t have to work as hard to maintain our lifestyle. Because we live in such a small space, housework takes no time at all. And with no garden, we don’t spend hours maintaining a lawn or borders.

    This means we have more time. And that time is dedicated to ourselves. To hobbies, experiences, and family and friends. We also have more money to spend on doing things like travel, concerts, or even French lessons.

    Because of our new lifestyle, we’ve never been happier or more comfortable. Our lives are rich with meaningful experiences and relationships. And many others who are following this minimalist lifestyle are enjoying the same benefits.

    I personally think the age of consuming could be coming to an end. It’s certainly starting to lose momentum. People are realizing there’s a big difference between “want” and “need.”

    And with an increasing population and higher land prices, the future could be quite small compared to the way we live now. It might be that minimalism becomes a necessity rather than a lifestyle choice.

    Do you feel like you’re weighed down by your things? Do you find yourself constantly working to pay for the expensive things you own? Are you lying awake at night stressed and worried about debt? 

    Why not try a little minimalism? You don’t have to go to the extremes I’ve gone to. You could just downsize a few bits and bobs. Buy less stuff. Or even swap your car for a cheaper mode of transport?

    And instead of spending money on things, why not invest in experiences? In relationships? In the times that set your soul on fire and make you jump for joy? Why not create those precious memories that have you grinning from ear to ear every time you recall them?

    Because you know what they say: You can’t take it with you. But you can certainly be satisfied that you lived a wonderful life.

    The Good Life painting by Tracy Booth

  • Dealing with Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

    Dealing with Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.

    Sometimes I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.

    Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.

    I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.

    In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

    Months, even years later, when mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

    All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

    For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

    But then I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering, just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.

    It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.

    I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

    Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.

    I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?

    Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.

    I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

    So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

    The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.

    In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.

    When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

    But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?

    Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.

    In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.

    They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.

    This is what true friendship should be about.

    If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.

    As the Dalai Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

    If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.

    If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.

    When I think of my old friend, I hope that she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

  • Why the Grass is Never Greener and How to Be Happy Today

    Why the Grass is Never Greener and How to Be Happy Today

    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown

    Lifestyle. Opportunities. Wealth. Just think how far we’ve come in the past 100 years—especially when you look at what we have today compared with our great grandmothers’ generation.

    My great grandmother married very young, lived in the same place her whole life, and had 11 children. She never had a “career” and never got a chance to go on a vacation. Her life was hard, poor, and lacking in any real opportunity.

    I wonder if she ever dreamed about moving to another city, or transforming her life, or about seeing the world with just a backpack. I bet she did, but back then there weren’t as many opportunities as we have today.

    Thanks to technology, the Internet, and an improved society, our lifestyles are completely transformed. We have choices. We can live pretty much anywhere we want. We can travel and see the world.

    We can secure jobs on the other side of the planet. We can start our own businesses and serve clients thousands of miles away. It’s definitely an exciting time.

    But when there is a wealth of opportunities, choices, and places where we could choose to live, you’d think we’d all be happy, right? Wrong.

    You see, the problem with having choices is that we become restless. We can’t settle on what we already have or be satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing.

    It’s called “the grass is always greener” syndrome. We think someone else is having a better time elsewhere. We make ourselves miserable by constantly thinking about the unknown in an endless quest to find happiness. (more…)