Tiny Buddha

Author: Jennifer Pastiloff

  • The Future Is Completely Open

    The Future Is Completely Open

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    This quote reminds me of the song “Into the Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty. I play that song in my yoga class a lot these days. I love the freedom in it, the expansiveness, the hope.

    My future is completely open and I am writing it moment by moment.

    Phew! This feels good!

    For a long time, I thought my future was pre-ordained.

    My dad died at 38 when I was 8. What was I supposed to think besides this is when we die: at age 38.

    Today is my birthday. Today I turn 37.

    I was never able to visualize my future.

    People would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I couldn’t answer. Nothingness on my end. Blank stares. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a morbid kid; I just saw a black cloud or fuzz or nothing when people asked me questions regarding any moment beyond the present. And yet, I was not present. It was a conundrum to say the least.

    But you are such a great writer, Jen. You should be a writer when you grow up, Jen.

    Nothing. Couldn’t imagine it.

    Stop talking to me about my future. I already know what will happen and it doesn’t involve me writing.

    I didn’t know what exactly happened when you turned 38 except: you didn’t exist anymore, so how in the heck was I going to be a writer?

    I got a little older and a little wiser, and yet still, I couldn’t plan for anything. People would ask me what I was doing for the summer and I would have a panic attack.

    I had a very hard time being able to imagine myself beyond the chair I was sitting in.

    It was like I had a crippling fear of planning a future, any future at all, because I knew what was in store for me. I didn’t know when my time would come, but I knew it was in my genes.

    I realized that I had a deep core belief that happiness was taken away from you.

    Or let me rephrase: from me.

    So why would I want to plan anything when it would be taken away from me? When my future was already written? My dad died at 38 from a stroke and I sat by on the sofa waiting for him to come. Instead they brought a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. (more…)

  • Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia 

    You mean I am a source of many wonderful things?

    Yes. Actually you are. Own up to it.

    Leo has it right.

    Love yourself.

    Despite all the things that you think may be terribly wrong with you, love yourself. Love yourself.

    Tattoo it on your brain.

    I can think of so many reasons why you should love yourself, but here’s just one: It is incredibly dull and uninspiring to be around people who do not love themselves.

    I spent many years being anorexic and feeling like I was a monster. I’m sure I was not much fun to be around, and I also know that I didn’t book any of the acting jobs I was trying to land. It is very challenging to hire someone or love someone who fights you by holding up a mirror of hatred toward themselves.

    Here’s my challenge for you today: Take a picture of your face and remember that in ten years time you will be amazed at how gorgeous you were. Be amazed now.

    Identify something about you that you may not adore and find a way to at least laugh at it or like it, even a little bit.

    I have profound hearing loss; in fact, I am almost deaf and wear hearing aids. I have ringing in my ears twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Does it drive me mad most days? Yes. However, it’s here to stay, and I have learned that I can make light of it, or I can sit home and feel sorry for myself because I am missing out on what feels like everything.

    Either way, the choice is mine to make.

    I have also learned that because of my hearing loss, my other senses are highly attuned. I am more compassionate because of it. I am a healer.

    I have turned something I don’t necessarily “love” having into another piece in the puzzle of me, and part of why I love that puzzle.

    Instead of thinking “I am an incomplete human being because I can’t hear perfectly,” I think “I am an incredible human being with a profound sense of touch and understanding and a huge capacity for love. I am also awesome at reading lips. So there.” (more…)