Tiny Buddha

Author: Jenn Hand

  • Why Striving For Perfection Is Actually Holding You Back

    Why Striving For Perfection Is Actually Holding You Back

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I used to strive for perfection in every aspect of my life. I thought perfection would make me “acceptable” to others.

    Deep down, I felt inadequate, insecure, and not enough. And subconsciously, I decided that if I could just achieve perfection with myself, my body, and my life, than I would finally feel the deep love and inner acceptance I longed for inside of myself.

    As a kid, I demanded a perfect report card: only straight A’s would suffice. I spent hours upon hours studying in high school and college, doing extra credit, attending office hours any chance I could get, all in a desperate attempt to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

    As a young adult, I agonized over what career path to pick, wanting to pick the perfect job that would be my dream career. I was desperate to be the best, wanting to be the perfect employee, and giving nothing less than 150% in every project I worked on and presentation I did.

    I was terrified to make a mistake and required excellence in every task. I was afraid of others judging me. I didn’t see it my mistakes as learning experiences; I saw them as a way of others seeing what I didn’t want them to see: that I was flawed, imperfect, and somehow not enough.

    I demanded perfection in every part of my life. But the area I struggled the most with was the desire for body perfection.

    As a teenager, I decided that 110 pounds was the “perfect” body. I spent years trying to whittle my body down with exercise, diets, and restriction in an attempt to get the figure I deemed flawless.

    The pressure I put on myself to be a size 2, to eat only 1200 calories a day, to spend at least 45 minutes at the gym daily was agonizing. I lived and breathed this obsession of needing and wanting to be perfect.

    Looking back, I can see how detrimental this drive was to living and enjoying my life. In my chase for perfection, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to be something I was not. I wasted hours and hours trying to be someone different and wishing I was somewhere other than where I currently was.

    But the biggest lesson of all was that in my quest for perfection, I wasn’t really living.

    The reality is that striving for perfection holds us back. We spend so much time doing, striving, achieving, in an endless quest to get it all “perfect,” and we end up missing out on what life is really about: being in each moment and experiencing life where we are, as we are.

    I vividly remember New Year’s Eve in 2007. One of the dear friends I had met living abroad in Thailand was in town and wanted to see me. She wanted to do dinner with a group of people, then head out dancing for the ball drop.

    I agonized over this decision to go or not. I remember wanting to meet up with her, but feeling so awful about my body not being “perfect” that I didn’t want to go out and have to “hide” my body in baggy clothes.

    It pains me to say that I didn’t go. I gave up a chance to catch up with this dear friend, to have fun with others, and to dance the night away because I was unhappy with my body. I stayed home that night and ran on the treadmill in my parents’ basement.

    It was the ultimate low in my quest for body perfection: I decided that I needed to burn off what I had eaten that day and work to “fix” myself into a smaller size.

    The anxiety I felt about eating more calories at a restaurant, when I already felt “fat” in my body, pushed me to stay home and run on the treadmill. It was a moment of life that I missed out on because I was desperately pursing a perfect body.

    When we’re caught up in the pursuit of achieving the perfect body, finding the perfect mate, landing the perfect job, or being the perfect person, it actually hinders us from seeing how beautifully our journey is unfolding right before our eyes.

    Perfection detracts you from the incredible life path you’re on and prevents you from seeing the gifts that are always in front of us. So the next time you get caught up in the endless pursuit of perfection, here are three things to remember:

    1. Perfection isn’t attainable.

    We try so hard to achieve an ideal in our lives that is next to impossible. There really is no perfect body, perfect job, or perfect life. It isn’t possible to have our lives be happy, joyous, and 100% problem free. Unexpected tragedies happen. Something doesn’t turn out as you hoped it would. Someone you love disappoints you.

    When you understand that perfection isn’t actually something you can achieve and maintain forever, you can let go of the never-ending quest for your job, your body, your parenting skills, or your relationship to be perfect.

    Letting go of this unattainable goal is a huge sigh of relief. We don’t have to try to be perfect, because it’s impossible anyway! Once we relax into the idea of letting go of perfection, life becomes easier, less stressful, and a lot more fun.

    Perfection leaves little room for error and joy, and while life can sometimes be messy, it’s during these times where we learn and grow (and have some adventure along the way).

    2. Perfection isn’t authentic.

    When you’re always striving to be perfect, you miss out on showing the world who you truly are. Years ago, when I was in the throes of dieting and restriction, trying to be “perfect” in my eating and my body, I wasn’t being true to myself. I was hiding from the world, desperately trying to conceal what I thought were imperfections.

    In the drive to be perfect, I never allowed myself to be vulnerable—to show up and let myself be seen. I thought when I’d reached perfection, I’d find approval and acceptance. But since the pursuit of perfection is an endless chase, the approval and acceptance never came.

    It was only when I had the courage to drop my unattainable goals and bring my true self to the world, imperfections and all, when I began to find the inner acceptance I had wanted all along.

    It was scary to show up as who I was without wearing a mask or pretending to be someone I was not. But I began making decisions for and from me.

    I quit my job and traveled for a year without an agenda (giving up a well-paying, secure job in the process). I ended a relationship that was no longer serving me (letting go of a man who was also my best friend). I took Spanish classes, wore a bikini to the beach without a cover up, told friends I wasn’t into partying anymore, and began to speak up for what I wanted and what I thought.

    It wasn’t easy or comfortable, but it was incredibly freeing. I felt vulnerable and naked, but as I began to express my honest opinion to others, voice what I needed or wanted, follow my own preferences instead of what was expected of me, and show more of who I was to the world without hiding, it got easier and easier.

    Your imperfect self is enough. Allow yourself to show up in the world as you are. When we’ve demanded perfection from ourselves for years, it can be scary to let go of our ideal and let the world see us as we are. But this is where your true, authentic beauty resides. Not in perfection, but in bringing all of who you are to the world.

    3. Perfection is stagnation.

    No one is meant to be perfect in any area of life, whether it’s your body, relationships, personal growth, habits, or your career, because in a “perfect” world, everything is stagnant. There is no growth and no evolution. It is only through mistakes, missteps, and experimentation that we learn and grow. 

    Looking back on my life, most of my decisions that seemed irrational or didn’t make sense in the traditional way ended up leading me to a path that was a perfect fit for what I needed and wanted. Life is funny that way.

    I quit a stable job, but had incredible adventures traveling South America for a year. I left my hometown to move cross county without a plan, but ended up starting a business that is my true passion. I mistakenly got thrown into a role that I didn’t want at a job, but learned so much about fundraising and development that I ended up enjoying it.

    These “mistakes” allowed me to see how perfection would have actually held me back. If I had followed the “perfect” path, the path without risk, without chance of failure, and the path that felt safe and easy, I never would have had these life-changing personal growth experiences.

    Many people who are striving for perfection in their life path, wanting to plan it all out and have it go exactly how they think it should, end up missing out on some of life’s best surprises and most meaningful moments.

    It is a refreshing way to view life. To allow ourselves to make mistakes is a relief, whether it’s messing up our food plan, getting into a fight with a family member, expressing emotions to a close friend and having it come out all wrong, or experimenting with a new hobby knowing you’ll likely mess up trying to master it. It’s these “mistakes” that allow us to incorporate feedback and chart a new course.

    If we’re constantly striving for perfection, we end up missing out on the lessons we most need to learn. In the pursuit of being flawless, our eyes are always looking three steps ahead of where we are. And as we’re consistently living a few steps ahead, we end up missing out on life’s most precious moment: now.

    Perfection isn’t something you can achieve because it doesn’t actually exist. So the next time you find yourself striving to be a more perfect version of yourself, remember that the imperfect, flawed, vulnerable you is perfectly enough.

  • Why Dieting Never Works: 4 Reasons to Stop

    Why Dieting Never Works: 4 Reasons to Stop

    “Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

    Diets are extremely seductive.

    We get lured in by the promises they make:

    The temptation of a smaller jeans size.

    The possibility of having a beach-ready body.

    The idea that everything would be better if you just weighed ten (or fifteen, or twenty…) pounds less.

    When you’ve overloaded yourself with sweets and feel horrible about your body, it’s easy to get sucked into attempting a diet as a quick-fix to your weight issues.

    In my own life, I struggled with gaining and losing the same sixty pounds for about twelve years. I would start over on Monday, swear off sweets and dessert, and then be knee-deep in a gallon of ice cream by Friday.

    If there was a diet out there, I tried it. Cleanses, detoxes, Paleo, South Beach, Atkins, The Zone Diet, Weight Watchers, and even diet pills.

    Even though I was continually seduced by the promise of weight loss, I never kept it off. I would inevitably end up failing miserably, but would still be seduced by the promise of “well, next time, I’ll really stick with it!”

    So when you’re seduced by the promise of weight loss and tempted to start another diet, let me save you weeks of frustration and tears with what I learned in my twelve years of dieting.

    Here’s why another diet is never the answer:

    Diets fail 100% of the time.

    Diets fail because there is an “on” and an “off.” If you go “on” something, at some point in time you have to go “off” of it. Yes, you may lose weight initially. You may drop a size or two from not eating carbs. But in six months, a year, or five years, has the weight come back?

    No one can sustain the “I’m eating only fruits, vegetables, and chicken” diet forever. When you rigidly restrict what you eat, eventually you’ll get to a point where you give in. This inevitably leads to a slippery downhill slope of overeating and then “starting over” the next day.

    Diets are never successful long term. Failure is built into the very nature of a diet. When you start a food plan, something will come up where you’ll desperately want something not on your diet. And then you feel like a failure because you broke the diet.

    Diets always measure “success” in days, weeks, or months, because the reality is, it never lasts long term.

    Diets set you up to crave even more sweets.

    When you tell a toddler he can’t have the green crayon, what does he immediately want? The green crayon. He throws a temper tantrum if you won’t give him the green crayon. After a while, you get so sick of him screaming about the crayon that you give it to him so he’ll stop his tantrum.

    And so it is with dieting. You tell yourself you can’t have cake, cookies, bread, or chocolate, so what do you think about all day long? The cakes, cookies, bread, and chocolate. You’re consumed with it, you dream about it, and you fantasize about ways you can eat one a piece of cake without having it “count.”

    Your forbidden foods seem to be consuming your thoughts and soon, you’re so sick of fighting an internal battle and thinking about cakes and cookies 24/7 that you give in so all of the fighting stops.

    The nature of something being forbidden means you’re much more likely to want, need, and crave it.

    Diets take you further and further away from learning to listen to your body.

    Diets work in direct opposition to intuitive eating. They’re based on strict rules and foods you can’t eat. There isn’t room to check in with your body, allow your needs/wants to arise, and nourish your body accordingly.

    “Success” is based on adhering to a system that’s prescribed. If there are rules you have to abide by, you can bet that the diet does not encourage listening to your body. Instead of learning how to tap into your body’s own intuition, you only eat what’s on the list of “acceptable” foods.

    Lasting weight loss requires that you are in touch with your body, that you understand what it needs and wants, and that you pay enough attention to yourself that you are aware of how/why you use food. And when you diet, it takes you farther away from listening to your own body’s wisdom.

    Diets create a sense of separation from yourself.

    Because diets operate on strict rules and guidelines, it creates a sense of separation from your body. Your body becomes this “thing” you’re fighting against. You wage war on it, you deprive it, and you punish it.

    The sense of separation grows as you work against your body, attempting to punish it into a place of weight loss.

    A diet is essentially a battle with yourself, and the more you diet, the more the distance you create between you and your body. The way back to hearing your body’s messages is through listening, honoring, and nourishing yourself (which dieting will never do for you!)

    Remember that dieting never brings about the results you truly want. Lasting change begins with awareness, love, and self-compassion as you start to understand your food patterns and behaviors.

  • Consumed by Food? 6 Lessons on Overcoming Disordered Eating

    Consumed by Food? 6 Lessons on Overcoming Disordered Eating

    “The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don’t give up.” ~Robert Tew

    For a good twelve years of my life, I was obsessively consumed with food.

    I had this unhealthy relationship with my body and my eating. I simultaneously loathed myself and desperately desired to be skinnier, while also compulsively binging until I couldn’t move.

    For months I would restrict. I’d eat some fruit for breakfast, green peppers, and ranch dressing for lunch and a few bites of whatever was in my fridge for dinner. I was also hooked on diet pills and exercised until I worked off every single calorie I had eaten (which was not much).

    And then, because no one could ever sustain a diet of 800 calories (if that!), I ended up binging. I’d find myself in this compulsive frenzy, stuffing my face with bowls of ice cream, cookies slathered in icing, leftover brownies, and candy.

    This was followed by fits of depression, a deep loathing of my body, and promises to start again on Monday.

    I lost and gained the same sixty pounds over and over and over again. It was an exhausting and miserable way to live.

    When I began getting help, I thought I would never get to the end.

    My recovery consisted of lots of tears, endless pages of journaling, voraciously reading through self-help books, a mentor who guided me through the process (and kept me afloat when I wanted to give up), yoga, meditation, and lots of lessons learned along the way.

    It took years to get to the place I am today, where I don’t think about what I’m eating 24/7, I’m not consumed with being a size two, and I can relax into a life filled with freedom and ease.

    But every hardship, struggle, and tear was worth the fight because I’m a different person now. I’m the authentic, happier version of that girl I used to be. My life is full; my heart is happy (most of the time). And the lessons I learned on my journey still impact how I live today:

    Here are the top lessons I learned from my crazy, all-over-the-place eating.

    1. Comparing yourself to others only sets you back.

    When you gauge your own progress, your own body, and your own successes against others, it leaves you in an endless game that you’ll never be able to win. Trying to keep up with other people leaves you hopeless and discouraged. Others’ lives are depicted through snapshots; you never get the whole picture.

    Your journey is about focusing on your own milestones and progress. You can never compare your insides, struggles, and hardships with someone else’s, because you never know what is going on deep within them.

    There is a depth to everyone that we aren’t aware of. Each of us has our own battles, struggles, and insecurities. Focusing only on you frees up the energy it takes to create deeper healing.

    2. Your relationship to food mirrors your relationship to your life.

    Your relationship to food reflects your relationship to everything in your life: your family, your friends, yourself, and your mental/emotional state. What you are doing with your body/food is a projection of what you are doing in your mind/spirit.

    Exploring your relationship with food takes you deeper into your relationship with everything else in your life.

    The need for control and certainty is reflected in rigid, inflexible food rules. Fear of loneliness and emptiness is seen in eating for comfort and escape. Hurrying through life, always wanting to be in the next place and achieve the next goal, is reflected in rushing through meals. When we are aware of these connections, we can begin to change.

    When we change our relationship to food, we change the way we live. When we abuse our body, we abuse ourselves. And when we respect and honor our body, we respect and honor ourselves.

    3. You will never be done.

    Dealing with food issues isn’t something you can just ignore, put aside, or avoid. Healing disordered eating means dealing with it every day, multiple times a day, for the rest of your life.

    This is actually good news! You will constantly be refining what works for you, what foods give you energy, how emotions contribute to eating, what way of eating fits into your lifestyle, and what truly serves you.

    When you fall back into old habits, when you find yourself wanting to overeat and restrict, you’ll know it’s a signal to go deeper (see #2).

    4. Perfectionism derails progress.

    Striving to be a perfect eater, have the perfect body, and be a perfect person is stifling and exhausting. When you’re yearning to achieve this unattainable goal, it only sets you up for failure.

    We need to soften our expectations, relax into our imperfect selves, and realize that no one is meant to be perfect in any area of life. In a “perfect” world, everything is stagnant. There is no growth and no evolution. It is only through mistakes, trial and error, and experimentation that we learn and grow.

    When you allow yourself to make mistakes—whether it’s messing up your food plan, getting into a fight with a family member, or realizing your work isn’t satisfying—this is how you learn, incorporate feedback, and chart a new course.

    5. You are really, truly good enough—just as you are.

    I always thought that I had to lose more weight, be thinner, and have a flatter stomach in order to be accepted by others, and that I needed their acceptance to be happy. But the irony is that when you truly believe you are innately acceptable, just as you are, your healing begins to deepen and you’re able to nurture a happiness that isn’t dependent on what other people think.

    6. Disordered eating is your soul desperately crying out for help.

    Our biggest obstacles often turn into our biggest lessons. A screwed up relationship with food forces you to go deeper into yourself to really heal. It gently nudges you to explore the depths within you that you didn’t know were there, to heal all limiting beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and habits, and uncover who you really are.

    This journey is an act of pure, unfiltered courage. It exposes you raw and leaves you vulnerable. And as you realize this truth, you realize this is a gift. This is a chance to go deeper, live more honestly, and be more authentic. And isn’t that what living really is all about?