Tiny Buddha

Author: Fiona Robyn

  • 6 Ways to Find Composure When You Feel Panicked

    6 Ways to Find Composure When You Feel Panicked

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    I had a terrible morning. I needed to make a short YouTube video to promote my therapy practice, and I thought it would take twenty minutes at the most.

    The technology was more complicated than I thought. I struggled on, wanting to do it by myself. Half an hour later, I surrendered and asked my husband Kaspa for help.

    Two hours later, we were still trying to make it work.

    I started thinking about all the other things I was meant to be doing that morning. A tense knot formed in my stomach.I started snapping at Kaspa—if only he knew how to make it work, I’d be finished by now. Grr!

    I finally finished the video (with the help of a very patient husband!), but I was in no state to do any more work. I felt panicky and rushed, and my brain kept talking me through the list of all the things I needed to catch up on, like a stuck record.

    Once I allow myself to get into this kind of state, it takes me a while to “come down” again.

    After some time sitting at my desk and feeling agitated, I decided to go out into the garden.I walked slowly up the path, noticing the bang of my heart. I looked at the baby pink roses, the inner-most petals still holding onto drops of dew. I heard the clear song of a blackbird. I took a deep breath. And another.

    These are the things that help me when I get panicky. (more…)

  • When Struggles Keep Reappearing: How to Learn the Lesson and Move On

    When Struggles Keep Reappearing: How to Learn the Lesson and Move On

    “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

    I’ve been self-employed for many years now. This is no accident. I’ve always liked to do things my own way. I like to arrange my diary in exactly the way I want to and make my own mind up about how I do things. I like to work without having to justify anything to a manager.

    I’m not always comfortable in working relationships where the other person is “higher up” than me—when they’re in authority. You could say that I’m a teensy bit of a control-freak.

    I used to work for a big corporation, and my relationships with my managers weren’t always easy. I was very critical of the way they did things, and if they criticized me I sometimes got very defensive. I learned a great deal from a couple of good managers, but I also spent a lot of time resenting being “told what to do.”

    Recently, I decided to embark upon training to become a Buddhist minister. This involves having a “supervisor” who is responsible for my spiritual training, and who will ultimately be responsible for deciding whether or not I “make the grade” and ordain.

    Last month, my supervisor asked me a question in an email and I felt immediately attacked and defensive. I felt annoyed. I complained to my friend. I sent her a long and rambling reply, outlining all the reasons why she shouldn’t be asking the question. We exchanged a few emails, and the situation got more and more confused.

    I thought I’d managed to avoid conflict with people senior to me when I became self-employed. I didn’t have a manager anymore, so what was the problem?

    The problem is that, as Pema Chodron says, nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. (more…)

  • When (and When Not) to Take Advice

    When (and When Not) to Take Advice

     

    “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~Erica Jong

    I’ve received all kinds of advice in my life, both welcome and unwelcome. Most of this advice is easy to divide into two piles: “good” or “bad.”

    “Good” advice: when somebody makes a suggestion and I think, “Oh, of course!” It might be advice about how to improve a poem, or how to peel a mango. This kind of advice is easy to take.

    “Bad” advice: when somebody makes a suggestion and I have a clear sense that I don’t agree with it. I might not respect their opinions, or I might know they have their own agenda which clashes with mine. I might understand their point of view but simply disagree with it. This kind of advice is easy to ignore.

    Sometimes, it’s trickier.

    A while ago decided I might change my career. I started the process of signing up for the three-year training I needed. Lots of my friends and family thought it was a great idea.

    I asked one person’s advice—someone I admired a great deal, who cared a great deal about me. To my surprise, they said they didn’t think it was the right thing for me to be doing. They thought I was doing it to run away from a career that would be more risky, but more fulfilling.

    I could understand why they gave me this advice. They’d had a risky career themselves, and they were invested in this having been the “right” decision for them. They were biased. I didn’t agree with their advice. I didn’t think it was about what was best for me.

    Still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It niggled at me. I continued applying for the training, and talking to other people about my new career choice. They were all supportive and encouraging. Why did it matter so much that this one person had given me the opposite advice?

    Eventually, I sat down and reflected upon what this person was saying to me. (more…)

  • How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Want

    How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Want

    “You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

    I want to be famous. I want to earn lots of money. I want boxes of expensive chocolates. I want people to like me. I want you to think that this article is the most amazing thing you’ve ever read.

    Enough about me. Back to the Buddha’s quote. “You only lose what you cling to.” This doesn’t make any sense, does it? Surely you only lose what you don’t cling to?

    I think there are two ways of making sense of this idea.

    First, what we cling to slips away from us.

    Think about soap in the bath. If you grip it very tightly, it pops right out of your hand.

    If we’re really desperate for something, we’re less likely to receive it. This happens in lots of different ways.

    A couple of years ago I came out of a long-term relationship and started dating. I joined an online dating agency and started getting in touch with different prospective dates.

    I very quickly realized how insecure I felt. As soon as I started a conversation with anyone, I was desperate for them to like me, whether or not I actually liked them!

    One man in particular seemed perfect for me from his description. He was an artist, he lived in a beautiful and remote part of the world, and he had a cute dog.

    I imagined all the things that we’d have in common and all the sparkling conversations we’d have. I imagined visiting him and meeting his dog. I got a little carried away.

    He could hear this desperation in my emails, and he soon drifted away before we ever began a proper conversation. I wanted a date with him so badly (or I thought I wanted it badly) that I scared him off. Like soap from your too-tight grip. Whoops! (more…)

  • 4 Ways to Be Kind When You Don’t Feel Like It

    4 Ways to Be Kind When You Don’t Feel Like It

    “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

    I used to have a horrible boss.

    I worked as a trainer in a big corporation. I can remember him coming into one of my training sessions and telling me off about something in front of my whole group.

    He talked to me as if I was five years old and I’d done something terrible. When someone talks to you like that it’s difficult not to start feeling you are five years old and you’ve done something terrible. I wanted to sink into the ground.

    He treated other people badly, too. He frequently criticized people and talked down to them. He set unreasonable deadlines. He didn’t trust us to get on with our jobs.

    Plato suggests that we be kind, for everyone we meet is fighting a hard battle.

    Some people are very easy to be kind to.

    If my friend is having a bad time in her relationship, my instinct is to call her and ask her if she’s okay. If we see an elderly person trip over on the street, our instinct is to go over and see if we can help them up. It is easy to be kind.

    But what about my boss? Was I kind to him? And why should I be kind anyway? (more…)

  • We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    We Are All Imperfect: How to Own it & Keep Growing

    Imperfection

    “Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.” ~Julius Charles Hare

    A few weeks ago, I made a mistake.

    I wrote a newsletter about my relationship with money, explaining that I used to get worried about money, but I feel differently now. I wrote that I’d realized that doing what I love is the most important thing.

    As long as I am doing what I loved, I don’t have to feel anxious. I trust that the money will appear, without me having to chase it.

    After I sent the newsletter out to the 500 people on my subscription list, I had a funny feeling in my stomach.

    The next day, I asked a friend what she’d thought about what I’d written.

    She said, “It sounds like you’re still worried about money.”

    She was right. That explained the funny feeling in my stomach.

    The things I said weren’t quite true. I wanted them to be true because I wanted to be the kind of person who doesn’t worry about material things.

    It was true that I’ve made some progress in my relationship with money. But I’m certainly not as serene and trusting as I portrayed myself in my newsletter. I still have mornings when I feel panicky about finances. (more…)