Author: Ernest Dempsey

The Secret Recipe for a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship

“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown

Things changed. You can’t put your finger on it, but you know it’s true. You wish you could make it better. You want to fix it.

The problem is that you don’t know how.

Maybe it’s already too late, and the relationship ended despite all your efforts.

In the barrage of cliché advice and consolation you get from friends, relatives, and “experts,” the answer is as elusive as ever. It’s not helpful when people tell you that it just wasn’t meant to be, time heals all wounds, or that sometimes couples grow apart.

So what is the trick? What is the secret to having a happy, long-lasting relationship?

I recently spoke on the phone with a friend who lives in a different city. We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and it was good to catch up on things. Among all the things we discussed like careers, vacations, and other fun stuff, we ended up on the topic of relationships.

After discussing my current relationship status and how things were going, she talked about her situation. She’d been dating the same guy for around three years, and clearly was having questions about whether or not she should stay in the relationship.

She said he was a nice guy and they had a good thing going, but something just wasn’t there anymore.

This is something that isn’t all that uncommon. We see it frequently in life, where two people get together, are happy, they get comfortable, and then drift apart. It’s a sad part of our reality, but it is one that many people have been through.

While I listened to my friend talk about her situation, I remembered having been through some of the same stuff in my own life. Then, she suddenly stopped and bluntly asked me, “What is the secret recipe for a long-lasting relationship?”

The question caught me a little off guard, but after a few seconds of careful and hurried consideration, I came up with an answer that I feel is absolutely true. It is something that I’ve heard advice-givers pass to others. However, I believe the key to it working is effort on the parts of both people.

The Secret Recipe

It isn’t really that complicated, but it is difficult for people to implement. Each person in the relationship needs to focus on the things that brought them together. That’s it. Seriously.

I know what you’re thinking. That is too simple. Or maybe you already tried that. Did you?

I mean, did you really put a ton of effort into getting back to the things that brought the two of you together?

When you first started dating the person, you were attracted to them on at least a few levels. While the physical thing changes over time, and sometimes people think that the grass is greener on the other side, the core of most relationship issues is not physical.

In my experience, the real problem is with the connection that has been lost between the two people.

It is that connection that must be re-established.

Ask yourself why you started seeing the other person in the beginning. Did you have fun together? If so, what kinds of things did you do? What changed? Why did they change?

These kinds of questions can stimulate an avalanche of excuses from people. Some will say that they grew apart. Others try to claim that when they had kids, everything changed. Still more will say that they aren’t who they were when the relationship began.

That last one is tough. As humans, we are constantly changing, growing, evolving physically and with our characters. However, it is still possible to repair the damage, and it all begins with tracing your steps back to the things that brought the two of you together.

What created the connection between you? Dig deep into those things together, and take the time to revisit those experiences, ideas, and moments.

This was the answer I gave my friend on the phone. I told her that it is crucial to reconnect to the things that brought you together, and by doing that, you can renew the excitement, passion, and friendship that were established early on.

Put Into Action

It’s all well and good to talk about the theory of stuff, but does it really work? I never recommend anything to people if I haven’t either tried it myself, or seen it work on someone else. In this case, I actually put the idea to use in my own relationship.

When my girlfriend and I initially got together, we had plenty of deep, stimulating conversations. We read books together on the porch and spent a lot of time just talking or hanging out.

After a while, though, we became very comfortable with each other. We slipped into a mode much like many couples do, where we methodically ask how each other’s day was and then turn on the television to watch our favorite shows.

Somehow, we had found ourselves in the same situation many other people get into when they’ve been together for a prolonged period of time.

I could tell that she wasn’t as happy as she used to be, and I had to admit that I wasn’t feeling the same excitement about the relationship as I had when we got together. Instead of ending it and going our separate ways, I decided to get back to what brought us together in the first place.

I noticed that she reads a lot on her iPhone, and began asking her to share the articles she was reading with me by sending a link. Since she is constantly reading on her breaks at work or on the porch at home, this gave me a way to reconnect with what she was interested in.

Now, we are back on the same page. I read the things she’s interested in (not all the time but quite a bit) and we can have engaging conversations about those topics when we get home. Our day has gone away from the ordinary “how was your day, honey” conversations to something more meaningful.

And as we all know, communication is one of the most important things to have in a relationship.

I’ve talked to several people who are much older than I about this. Some of them have been married for forty years or more. The happiest ones always say the same thing.

They say to treat the relationship like it was new each and every day, and concentrate on the things that brought them together in the first place.

What’s your story? Have you been through something like this? What did you do? How did it turn out?

Photo by Scarlett White

July 16, 2014
How to Fill the Emptiness in Your Life

“Find your Calcutta.” ~Mother Teresa

Something is missing in your life, isn’t it?

You’re working hard, trying to get ahead, doing everything you possibly can to make life just a little bit better. You’re trying to keep it all balanced, though. You won’t be one of those people who commits every waking second to work and the pursuit of a career.

Not you. You’ve got it figured out. You even make time to exercise, eat right, meditate, or maybe spend time with friends and family.

You’ve got it all figured out—except for that one stupid thing that keeps tugging at your heart. You don’t really know what it is, but it is there, and it is driving you a little crazy.

Yeah, I know. I get that feeling sometimes too.

It is often mistaken as unhappiness, fatigue, depression, or being stuck in a rut. Many people will go off and do wild vacations or try things they would never try in a million years just to see if those activities settle the strange, inexplicable emptiness they feel inside.

When they return to the real world, though, the problem is still there, still nagging at them.

Maybe they think they didn’t go “extreme” enough and will push themselves harder. Or maybe they take it in a totally different direction and put more time into meditation, or even trying to manifest happiness in their lives.

Sound familiar?

Or do you have it under control? I’m guessing since you’re still reading, you don’t. It’s okay. Neither do I.

In fact, neither do most people.

So, what is this mysterious thing that is pulling at you, leaving you feeling empty and unfulfilled in a life that would, from the outside, seem all but amazing? It’s the pursuit of happiness.

Before you click away from the page, thinking that this is another article about how when you stop pursuing things, that is when they come to you, don’t.

It’s not about that at all.

We are constantly presented with things that we believe will make us happy. New cars, flashier televisions, prettier women or men, houses, furniture, more money, exotic vacations, and a myriad of things that go along with that stuff.

We are pounded by books, blogs, and billboards about how we can get everything we want in life and live happier, better, and wealthier.

The simple truth is, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget about everyone else in the world around us. And therein lies the key to that empty feeling inside.

Right now, there are people who are hungry. And not just in Africa or India. They might be within a square mile of you. There are kids who don’t have a decent place to sleep.

Let me tell you a quick story.

Recently, a friend of mine (a former high school teacher) passed away. He had been fighting leukemia and eventually cancer for a long time. He was 74 years old.

When I met him, I thought he was one of the most energetic people I’d ever come across. Of course, I was only 16 at the time. His Italian ancestry only added to the natural charisma he displayed on a daily basis.

This teacher started a program at my high school called Project 5000. It was an initiative aimed at collecting five thousand canned goods to distribute to needy families in our area. I can still remember seeing the boxes of food under the auditorium stage.

Not only did our little school of 300 kids collect five thousand cans, we collected far more. And every single year, the number grew, surpassing multiple tens of thousands every year.

Because of his efforts, many needy families got to have a few good meals around Thanksgiving, even if it was just a few.

My friend also helped out at a place called the Chambliss Home, a transitional facility for kids similar to an orphanage. He organized a Christmas program there every year so that, at least for a night, those kids could actually be kids.

Why am I telling you about this?

Because this teacher always had a smile on his face. He always had tons of energy. And because of one very important thing he told me in relation to the problem I discussed earlier.

He said that if you live your life providing a service to others, you will have the most fulfilling life possible.

And there it is. We’ve been so focused on getting what we want in this world that we forget that there are people who have desperate needs. You don’t have to look far to find them either.

They could be right up the street, in a local school, a homeless shelter, a nursing home, or any number of places.

At the moment, I work in a school that has a student body that is 100% on free and reduced lunch. Basically, that means it is a school of kids from low-income homes. I work there as a school counselor and as the boys’ soccer coach.

My commute sucks, nearly an hour each way. The hours suck (since my best energy times are not waking up at 5:30 and working until 5:00 in the afternoon).

When my friends ask me why I don’t quit or find a job closer to home at a better school, I explain to them that it is my Calcutta. While sometimes the work is not stimulating, and the kids can be a little rough around the edges, it is a place where there is a great need.

Ever since I started looking at it that way, I have been a lot happier in the rest of my life. I am more fulfilled because I know that I am providing a service to people in need and not just living for myself.

When I get home, I have more energy, a happier demeanor, and I feel like I have done something good.

The bottom line is, helping others energizes you and fills you with good feelings.

Where can you find your Calcutta? It could be as simple as donating a piece of furniture to a needy family. Or you could give a few hours a month at the local soup kitchen. Are you an expert at something that could help solve a problem for people? Find a way to do that on a semi-regular basis. It can literally be almost anything.

The point is that you serve someone. And by serving others, you will begin to notice that strange, empty feeling begin to dissipate until one day, you find yourself smiling all the time.

Photo by Shisheido USA

November 27, 2013
Why We Don’t Always Get What We Want

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

It’s probably happened to you. In all likelihood, it has happened multiple times in your life thus far.

You don’t understand why it happens. And when it does, it can throw you into the deepest valleys of despair.

Perhaps you cry out to a higher power to make things better. Maybe you just stare into the cosmos, wondering what the meaning of life is and why things get tough.

I’ve been there. Many times. For all sorts of reasons.

Breakups, career problems, dealing with a death, financial issues, there are a million things that can put you into this frame of mind.

You know what you want more than anything, but no matter what you do, the universe just doesn’t seem to give it to you. Why? Why can’t things just be easier, simpler? Why can’t things get better?

Why can’t we get what we want?

A few years ago I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life. My fiancé of four years had broken up with me. Over the phone.

No visit. No long talk about how we could maybe work it out. She just told me she couldn’t do it anymore.

And just like that, I was thrown into that valley.

I spent the next few months searching for answers. I read through different religious texts, self-help sites, and scientific books. I prayed, I meditated, and I even tried to visualize the thing that I wanted the most.

I just wanted my fiancé back.

My work suffered at my job, though I didn’t notice. It took an old friend, one of my bosses, calling me into his office and having an honest conversation for me to realize that I was basically coasting through the weeks.

In the evenings, I was plagued by dreams of my ex. In them, we were happy and together. Everything had worked out.

Of course, I always woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and crying. Yeah, I woke up crying.

I was raised to believe in a higher power. But during those nights of torture, I found myself pounding my pillow and begging him/her to make everything better.

Nothing ever got better, though.

Talks with friends yielded no good counsel. As a student of the psychological sciences, and a counselor myself, their cliché words only served to frustrate me.

“There’s a reason for everything.” “If it’s meant to be.” “Time heals all wounds.” The more I heard their fortune cookie advice, the angrier I became.

And the whole time, I continued to beg the higher power to fix everything.

One day at my job, I was talking to one of the teachers I worked with. She was a huge fan of Native American history and had an interesting perspective on my predicament.

She suggested that I go on a vision quest.

I’d done one of these when I was in graduate school as part of an assignment. We had studied the ancient technique the natives used when they were searching for answers, so I was pretty familiar with the process.

If you don’t know what a vision quest is, you go out to a place where all you can do is observe the world around you and focus intensely on the thoughts that come as a result.

This time, though, the stakes were much higher than on my previous quest.

I decided to do it on a weekend and woke up the following Saturday morning with one mission in mind: to find answers.

The former capital of the Cherokee nation was only twenty minutes from my house, now set aside as a state park. I figured what better place to do a vision quest than where the Native Americans used to live?

It was a chilly morning, and the forests surrounding the historical site were thick with fog as I began my walk.

I stopped at various points along the way to meditate and pray. There was one spot next to a gentle brook where I watched the birds and squirrels scurrying about their day, mirroring the many thoughts and feelings rushing around in my head.

While nature was peaceful around me, a storm still raged in my heart centering around a single question: Why can’t I have what I want?

I continued the walk, writing down every thought and emotion that came to my mind. Minutes turned into hours and, as I neared the fourth hour of my quest, I decided it was getting close to time for me to leave. Empty handed.

I neared the top of a ridge at the edge of the sacred land and looked up into the leafy canopy of the forest. Poplar, oak, and maple leaves hung silently above me.

“I just want to know why you won’t fix this for me,” I said out loud, bitterly.

Suddenly, my mind was whisked back to the school where I work to a point a few weeks before and a conversation I’d had with one of my students. I’d walked into the computer classroom to see what everyone was working on that day and he’d gotten my attention.

“Hey, can you fix my grade in this class so I can pass?”

The question caught me off guard and I laughed. “Yeah, I can do that,” I surprised him with my answer. As a school counselor, I have access to that kind of stuff.

His face became hopeful. “You can?”

I went on to explain to him that I could do that, but I wouldn’t.

He asked why.

I told him it was because if I fixed everything for him like that, he would never learn anything.

My brain zipped back to the moment, standing on the forest trail. The realization punched me in the face like Mike Tyson in his prime.

A smile crept onto my face. Then I began to laugh and looked back up into the treetops. A robust breeze rolled in, waving the high branches around dramatically.

I continued to smile as I spun around staring dizzily into the rustling leaves.

That was it. If someone or something always fixed everything for me all the time, I would never learn anything. More than that, I would never be able to do anything for myself in life. I would always be dependent on someone or something else to make things better for me.

I would never be able to learn another language, live in a foreign environment, try new foods or activities, or grow as a person in any way.

Sometimes in life things happen that can be difficult, and often they can be extremely painful. We must push through those moments where all seems lost. When we do, we can find a new us on the other side that is wiser and more beautiful than we ever imagined.

By working through these difficult changes in life, we grow into something new, better, stronger.

To paraphrase what the Rolling Stones said: You can’t always get what you want. But you get what you need.

Photo by Zigg-E

August 25, 2013
You Have the Power to Change Someone’s Day for the Better

“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s a feeling of dread. Maybe you’ve experienced it before.

You’re driving down the highway and suddenly something goes wrong. You’re stepping on the gas pedal but nothing is happening.

All the little lights on the dashboard come on and you notice one particular gauge you’ve been meaning to address sooner.

The needle is just past the E. You’re out of gas.

It’s a helpless feeling. Desperation flashes through your mind as the wheels begin to slow. Other cars start passing you as you attempt to merge over to the emergency lane to get out of the way, the whole time hoping you can coast just a little farther, ever closer to the oasis of fuel at the next exit.

Maybe that isn’t how it felt for you or perhaps you’ve never been through this little peril. But that’s how it felt when I ran out of gas recently.

I was four or five miles from home, cruising down a long hill on the interstate when I realized my car wasn’t responding to my foot’s orders.

Fortunately, I was able to get over and coast all the way to the next exit and even up the ramp. My mind raced, wondering how far I was going to have to push the car, and worse, if it would be uphill.

When my vehicle’s momentum finally slowed to a stop, I was relieved to see the gas station only a few hundred yards away and that I’d only have to overcome a slight incline to get there.

So, I got out and started pushing. As I grunted and heaved I was unpleasantly surprised at how heavy my little car was on a relatively flat stretch of road. But I pressed on, inching my way towards the plastic gas station sign that signaled my salvation.

My muscles strained against the heavy burden, legs and arms burning from the exertion. I thought about the times I’d seen other people who were out of gas. I always felt bad for them, maybe even a little embarrassed for them.

Now I felt the shame I’d always imagined those people felt.

More than a few times, I’d actually stopped and helped them push their vehicles to the nearest station. While I lumbered forward, one particular instance popped into my head from several years before.

I was in Austin, Texas for a convention. A friend and I had been hopping around to different bars (like any good convention-goers) when, from the sidewalk, we saw a guy pushing a monstrosity of a car. It was a big convertible from the 1970s.

I don’t recall what make or model the behemoth was. All I know is that it was the heaviest object I’ve ever tried to move in my life.

Still, my friend and I started pushing with the guy. He hadn’t seen us at first and was surprised that his task had been suddenly lightened. He smiled back at my buddy and I as we kept pounding our feet across the pavement, one foot in front of the other.

“Just steer,” I told him as we kept easing the car towards a section of the road that began to slope downhill. “Once you get to where it starts slanting down you’ll be fine,” I said.

After several exhausting minutes, we reached the crest in the road and the car began to coast on its own. The driver thanked us and offered us money, which we declined. He waved back to us as he hopped in and guided the wheeled boat to the station.

We went on about the rest of our night and didn’t give the event much thought. In fact, I hadn’t thought about it in years.

Now here I was, in the same predicament, out of gas and trying to reach a little section of the road up ahead where it started to slope downward, the whole time trying to steer and push, a difficult pair to manage at once.

Suddenly, the car felt like it was half its weight. I first looked down to see if I’d reached some kind of a little down slope or something. Then I heard a guy’s voice from behind me.

“Thought you could use a little help.”

I turned around to see a total stranger, in his mid-thirties, pushing hard against the back end of my car. I smiled broadly. “Thanks man!” I shouted over the passing traffic.

He had parked his truck just off the exit, probably as soon as he had seen my plight. He hadn’t hesitated or thought about helping me for more than a second. His instant thought had been to help.

“You should be okay once we get to that little down slope up ahead,” he commented.

Inside, I laughed, remembering how I’d said those exact words to the guy in Austin a few years before.

A minute or so later, we reached the downhill section of road and my car began coast itself towards its haven. “I think you’re good,” he yelled and waved.

I thanked the man again and hopped in my car, steering it into the station on nothing but gravity’s sweet momentum.

I don’t know much about karma, but I do know this: life presents us with opportunities, little moments where we can make the world a better place with a simple action.

That stranger made my day better by lending a hand. He lightened my load and thus, lifted my spirits.

Had he not helped, I may have become annoyed at the situation and more easily bothered the rest of the day, even irritable. I could have returned home less happy and let those feelings pass from me to the people around me, making their day worse.

You have an extraordinary power to change someone’s day for better or worse, and you have no idea how far reaching that impact will be.

Another thing I took away from the gas incident is that good deeds never seem to go un-repaid. It is an indelible truth that I’ve noticed time and again. Call it karma or mitzvah or comeuppance, it all works the same way.

I kept smiling as I filled up my tank. I felt grateful that a random stranger had helped me. It gave me a good feeling inside, a sense that everything would be okay, no matter what.

I started to replace the gas cap when I heard a familiar sound on the other side of the pump. A police officer in an old, beat-up pickup truck was trying in vain to get the engine to turn over.

“Battery dead?” I asked. “If you need a jump, I have some jumper cables in the trunk,” I offered. The man’s frustration visibly eased a little.

“Thanks man,” he replied. “I’d appreciate that.”

“No problem,” I said as I reached in the trunk and grabbed the cables. “It’s always good to help someone out.”

Photo Geoffrey Callaway

June 10, 2013