Tiny Buddha

Author: Emily Madill

  • Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us

    Honoring Our Inner Voices to Make the Right Choices for Us

    Open Arms

    “Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

    After high school I moved to the northern tip of Vancouver Island to live with my aunt and uncle and work at their fishing resort. It was a busy tourist destination at the time. Every summer the town filled with young people, home from university and eager to earn money.

    I loved my time up there. I met many interesting, colorful people from around the world who came to fish, whale watch, kayak, or merely experience the exquisite natural beauty this area has to offer.

    My aunt and uncle were incredible mentors, and I developed a strong work ethic from my time with them. I normally juggled three to four jobs, so most of my waking time was spent working in the service industry.

    I stayed there for a couple of winters and went to the community college, while also working at my various jobs. I worked hard to save up money to do a bit of traveling and to go toward my education.

    I went on an amazing adventure to Australia and New Zealand with my best friend from childhood. Afterward, I returned to my life with my aunt and uncle to work and save more money to go to school in the city, which was closer to where I was from.

    During that time I met a young man who had grown up in this small town. He had a nice family and was a good person, and for the sake of this story, we’ll call him Bill.

    While I was working and busy, my life was very unbalanced and there was no time for a social life (outside of traveling). I enjoyed having Bill in my life for companionship and to have some resemblance of a social life that most nineteen-year-olds surround themselves with.

    Naturally, my aunt and uncle weren’t pleased about my relationship with Bill. While I didn’t see it at all at the time, I realize now that they saw something in me I didn’t see in myself. I had big dreams for my life and spent hours talking to my aunt about travel, education, and plans for my future.

    Bill didn’t have these same aspirations for his life. His looked much different than mine. By different, I don’t me better or worse; we just didn’t have the same passions or much in common other than where we lived at the time.

    Nevertheless, Bill and I were convinced it was a good idea for him to move and go to school with me, even though he was most comfortable and happy where he was.

    During this time together, it became clear to me, and him too I’m sure, that we weren’t actually a great fit and didn’t really bring out the best things in each other. However, we were young and didn’t have a lot else to compare our relationship to. We had become a security blanket to each other during this transitional time of life.  

    We separated for a short time and instead of parting ways, which would have been the most natural and reasonable thing to do, we got back together and got engaged!

    Looking back, I so clearly see how lost and stuck I was. My inner voice was screaming at me to take chances, be bold, and chase my dreams, but my lack of confidence and fear of pretty much everything made it so much easier to play it safe with Bill.

    By safe I don’t mean comfortable and content. I mean it was a good distraction and reason to not be true to who I was.

    I was so stuck and suffocated by my fear of being seen and dreaming big that it was much easier to put my blinders on and hide away with someone who didn’t at all want the same things that I truly did.

    I remember our wedding day so clearly. I was twenty-three at the time, and the overwhelming sense of fear and dread was paralyzing, I felt like a fraud in my own life. I was in tears and couldn’t articulate my feelings of regret to my bridesmaids and grandfather, all eager to walk me down to Bill.

    We chalked it up to nerves, and once again I stuffed down my inner voice that was screaming to me to wake up. Besides, at the time I would have never in a million years risked disappointing the people who had come that day to wish us well, even though I knew in my heart it was not right.

    I was so lost that I didn’t want to admit my mistake to myself or to wake up and begin living the life I yearned to live. I am pretty sure I may have carried on unhappily and lost forever after.

    I was so deep in the muck of denial that I don’t know if I ever would have made the brave choice to let Bill know we had made a mistake.

    Instead, we stayed together, he living on one end of the island working, me on the other going to university. After a year of this, it was Bill who mustered up the courage to admit we weren’t a good fit and that he didn’t want the same things I did.

    I’m sure there were many people waiting to see me crumble after being ‘dumped’ by Bill. I was just so relieved that I couldn’t bear to spend time giving thought to anything other than the fact I felt like I could breathe again.

    While it did take a bit of time to get on my feet and back onto my path, I was finally starting to listen and honor my inner voice.

    I made a pact with myself to start trusting myself and begin doing things that were uncomfortable and out of my reach to stretch and grow. I didn’t ever want to return to that place where I allowed myself to lose faith in myself. 

    I use this failed relationship story as an example because it had a huge impact on my life and learning. For me, the lesson isn’t just about what a happy, healthy relationship looks like vs. an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

    It’s so much more about the importance of allowing our inner voice to be heard and honored, not just in relationships but in everything we do in life.

    Trusting myself has been a huge life lesson and one I continue to practice and learn from.

    Life looks different for me now. I have been very happily married for eight years and am on the path that feels right and natural. We bring out the best in each other and are supportive of each other’s hopes and dreams. I now listen and give my inner voice the respect it deserves.

    Of course, life still presents challenges, but when I find myself feeling unsettled or staying in the place of self-doubt for longer than necessary, I do what I can to get clear and be honest with myself, instead of hiding or stuffing away my true feelings.   

    Writing is an excellent tool that I use to help me gain clarity in situations, or when I need to make big decisions. I also find it helpful to go for a run or exercise to clear busy thoughts and create the necessary space to be able to tap into what feels right.

    I believe that when we allow ourselves to find the space to hear our own truth, more often than not our inner self will have the answers and wisdom that will steer us in the direction we most need at the time.

    Photo by Graeme Law

  • Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    Release the Fear of Not Measuring Up and Share Your Light

    cartwheel

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    I believe that it is part of the human condition to want love and connection with others. For some of us this comes much more naturally and abundantly than it does for others.

    The universal thing we all share is that at some point along our life journey, there will come a time when our self-worth is on the table for questioning.

    I can clearly recall the first time my self-confidence was rocked. I was seven years old and full of energy, life, and good old-fashioned cheer.

    I spent endless summer hours skipping rope, riding bikes, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, and had recently discovered the art of performing cartwheels on the back lawn—what a rush!

    At the time we lived in a duplex. My mom was a single mom. My dad passed away when I was only six months old, leaving my older brother Eric and I behind.

    Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but while my mom was the most amazing mom around, I didn’t have a male role model in my life and must have really felt that loss.

    My mom and I still share a giggle over a story from when I was two years old. I very eagerly staggered out into the street during a holiday parade to profess my love or “wuv” for the policemen and firemen as they passed by.

    It just so happened we had a police officer living next door to us. It was a warm summer evening and he had guests out on his deck enjoying a barbeque. I also just so happened to be outside once again, perfecting my cartwheel.

    I remember gearing up to showcase them my newly honed skill. I composed myself and very deliberately set off down our bumpy, sloped lawn toward their deck.

    I gave them one impeccable cartwheel after the other, without any break in between, until I reached the end of the lawn and the start of the blackberry bush.

    I turned to face them with a victory smile and a silent “ta-da!” but instead of receiving anticipated applause and approval, I was met with roars of laughter and a snicker: “Wow, what a showoff this one is!”

    I was instantly deflated and utterly crushed.

    I clearly remember feeling the heavy pit in my stomach, and the accompanying sting of tears and hurt I fought back as the heat rose from my belly to my cheeks. At seven years old I stood there with my heart wide open, looking for approval only to feel squashed and ashamed.

    Fast-forward another twenty-eight years and it all sounds a bit silly to me now, yet somehow the hurt is still quick for me to recall.

    This was, of course, not the experience that taught me the great life lesson of expressing and honoring my worth as a human being.

    That came much later with far more extensive bruises, bumps, and lessons, but this memory is one that stands out to me because it was the first time I ever thought to myself “Maybe I am not good enough, and maybe I never will be.”

    I don’t believe there is a human out there that doesn’t have this inner child in them that yearns for the reassurance that they are okay. Most of us have had at least one experience somewhere along the line that has left the lingering question of whether or not we are good enough.

    I think we all carry these wounds around with us. Some of us face unthinkable things and suffer from much deeper wounds and fears than others.

    I guess the point is, at any given time we are surrounded by others that have felt insecure and unloved, that worry about being worthy of belonging and can relate to what may be one of our biggest fears.

    I just can’t help but think if we all gave ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves, or to each other, the ride could be a little gentler. When we come back to that place in life where our hearts are open, we are less likely to be so critical of others and of ourselves.

    The simple act of sharing a heartfelt smile with a stranger on the street, or praising a young child for being completely amazing by just being who they are, is empowering and contagious.

    When we loosen our grip on our fear of looking foolish or not measuring up, and instead share our light and love with others, the magic of life seems to naturally unfold.

    The best part is, we help give others the courage to do the same, to find their way back to remembering how totally awesome and worthy they are right now as they are.

    I should add that while I never did become a gifted gymnast, I will on occasion bust out my best cartwheel moves on the back lawn with my kids, or on the beach just because. Now I always follow it up with a “ta-da” and a pat on the back I deserve for purely being human.

    Photo by Louise Palanker