Tiny Buddha

Author: Ellen Bard

  • 45 Work Self-Care Ideas for Your Physical, Emotional, and Mental Health

    45 Work Self-Care Ideas for Your Physical, Emotional, and Mental Health

    “Self-care equals success. You’re going to be more successful if you take care of yourself and you’re healthy.” ~Beth Behrs

    Does your job ever seem to take over your life?

    Mine has, more than once, despite some drastic changes to stop it each time.

    For twelve years I worked a sixty-hour-a-week consulting job in London, UK. I loved my team, and much of my work, but I wasn’t good at switching off.

    Whiplash from a minor car accident initiated a chronic pain condition that grew worse and worse with each passing day.

    I didn’t think I was allowed to take care of myself at work. At work, I felt my focus should be on being productive, getting more done, being the best, getting promoted, earning more—on success.

    But my definition of success wasn’t bringing me happiness.

    Breaking Point(s)

    The moment when my chronic pain was such agony that I spent an entire conversation with a beloved team member holding back tears, not hearing anything they said, was a wake-up call.

    I told myself what a bad manager I was, piling negative feelings on in addition to the grinding, constant physical hurt.

    I created suffering on top of the pain.

    After a lot of soul searching, I took a sabbatical where I planned to “lie on a beach and rest.”

    But I took my personality with me. I never went back to my job, but within a few years, I’d created a new life, that I also loved, but I worked in 25 countries and took 100 flights a year.

    Oh, and I caught strep throat seven times in that same year.

    This time, when I realized what was happening, my suffering was a little less. I was frustrated, but at this point, I had developed a self-care practice. I had more tools, more self-kindness, more self-compassion.

    Last year, another busy year when I wrote a book about work wellness and ran an international consulting practice, I went to the emergency room several times.

    What I thought was my chronic pain had gotten so bad I admitted I needed help.

    At the hospital, they decided to do exploratory surgery. And found endometritis, which had caused a 6cmx4cm cyst and spread infection throughout my abdomen. It took the removal of the cyst and a further eight days of intravenous antibiotics before they’d send me home.

    I took some time off….

    Now while I can’t say I’m never going to go through this loop again, what these experiences have taught me is that in order to be the best version of ourselves, it’s as critical to take care of ourselves at work as is it as at home.

    It’s not just okay to take care of yourself at work, it’s obligatory.

    Despite the fact our job often takes up a third of our waking hours or more, most of us feel it’s inappropriate to think about ‘fluffy’ concepts like work wellness, or self-care, while we’re working.

    We’re wrong.

    If we neglect habits of kindness to ourselves in this arena, our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors at work can lead to burnout, resentment, anger, or exhaustion.

    Be Intentional

    Bringing an attitude of self-kindness and self-compassion to work is likely to make you a better employee. You’ll have more energy to work with the difficult customers and challenging employees, or on the complex and confusing tasks that are dumped on you.

    The following are ideas you can try at work to ensure you nourish yourself in that context. They are designed to be small and inexpensive. Leave those that don’t speak to you, but make the choice to include several in each week—and start today.

    Simple Self-Care for Physical Work Wellness

    1. Clean your tech mindfully. Take three minutes to wipe down your phone, laptop, screen, anything technological you use for work. As you do, be grateful for what these technologies add to your life.

    2. Sit up straight. We all have a tendency to slump over our keyboards. Adjust your posture: pull your shoulders back and align your head with your spine.

    3. Take one deep breath. Just one. But make it a good, long one. Breathe out and imagine that breath flushing through your body and going into the earth to ground you.

    4. Plot a route. Plan a short (20-minute) easy walk you can take at lunch or during breaks at least twice a week. Put it in your diary.

    5. Stand up. Use a box or books to lift your keyboard and screen so you can stand up to work. Vary your position during the day between standing and sitting.

    6. Scents memory. Find an essential oil or item that you can smell at your desk to energise you, like mint or citrus—especially useful in that post-lunch slump.

    7. Light up. Ensure your lighting is sufficient and as natural as possible, and your screen is at an appropriate brightness.

    8. Step up. Take the stairs. If you work on the 30th floor, you don’t have to take every flight. Try one flight for a week, then add in more over time.

    9. Add color. Wear one small item of your favourite color to work. A tie, pantyhose, socks, cufflinks, lipstick, a hairband, a necklace, earrings, bag etc.

    10. Pre-plan health. Identify three healthy meals at your three most-visited lunch places. At least once a week, don’t even look at the menu, order one of those.

    11. See green. Spend a few minutes a day looking at something green and alive. If you can’t see out of a window, get a plant.

    12. Return to neutral. At the end of the day take two minutes to tidy clutter away and wipe the surface down. This will make the next morning a nicer experience.

    13. Stretch while sitting. Roll your shoulders back, straighten each leg and point your toes, lift your arms above your head, and point your fingers to the sky. Move your body for a few seconds in a way that feels good.

    14. 20:20:20. Every 20 minutes, look at something for 20 seconds, 20 feet away, to help prevent eye strain.

    15. Object of solace. Bring to work an item that brings you physical comfort. A soft sweater, a smooth pebble, a stress ball—anything that grounds you in your senses and can bring you secret consolation on a difficult day.

    Simple Self-Care for Emotional Work Wellness

    16. Choose a soundtrack. Find a song that energises you, and play it just before you start work (on headphones!) or on your commute to put you in the right mood.

    17. Focus on others. When you interact with colleagues (or suppliers, clients, other freelancers) ask them a couple of questions about themselves before you talk about you.

    18. Be vulnerable. Share something small about your personal life—a hope, fear, dream, wish, desire—with a work colleague. Ask them about theirs.

    19. Build connection. Ask someone new to lunch or for a coffee.

    20. Take notice. Say happy birthday or congratulate someone on something they achieved on one of their tasks or projects.

    21. Know your personal brand. Write down the five words (qualities, behaviors, knowledge, etc.) others are most likely to associate with you at work.

    22. Push through a small emotional discomfort. Take an action you find mildly uncomfortable—talking more in a meeting, talking less, sharing a mistake etc. It will then be easier to do later when you don’t have a choice.

    23. Deepen a workplace relationship. Identify someone at work you want to know better. Increase the quality and quantity of your interactions.

    24. Connect to a positive memory. Choose a physical item to go on your desk that uplifts you because of its associations (e.g., a foreign coin from a holiday, a special photo).

    25. Celebrate. Take a moment to celebrate (privately or with colleagues) a small work win before you rush on to the next task.

    26. Create a workplace tradition. Connect colleagues with “Pizza Friday/; or “morning-coffee-and-catch-up,” even if it’s through Zoom.

    27. Look forward. Always have something at work you’re looking forward to. Create that thing yourself, if necessary.

    28. Build a positive attitude. Think of three things that make work great for you (a friend, a project, a client, a café you visit in your lunch hour), and write a list of these over time. Include one in each week.

    29. Take the long view. When upset about a mistake you made, or something that happened, ask yourself, will this still matter to me in five years?

    30.What matters? Take a helicopter view, and think about—what do I gain from this job? What does it bring me? Is there a balance between the rewards and the work?

    Simple Self-Care for Mental Work Wellness

    31. Use physical boundaries. Help your brain switch off via “thresholding” at the bookends of your day. Step through the door that leads into your workspace and tell yourself “I am at work’ “Step out of your workspace and tell yourself “I have left work.”

    32. Find your values. Write down the things that are important to you at work and circle the top three to four. Use these to guide decisions.

    33. Get feedback. Ask five people who know you well what they see as your top three strengths and development areas.

    34. Improve one thing. Choose a behavior that is not working for you and experiment with doing it differently.

    35. Have a walking meeting. Ask a colleague with whom you have a meeting planned if you can do this while outside and moving.

    36. Get unstuck. When working on a creative challenge, set a timer and free write for five minutes on the problem.

    37. Expand your perspective. Ask a colleague to talk you through how they approach a common issue you both experience.

    38. Use a timer. Choose a task you do regularly where you know roughly how long it takes, and set a timer for 10% less than that. Complete the task in less time.

    39. Learn something. Listen to a podcast, read a blog article or several pages of a non-fiction book at the start or end of your day.

    40. Know where you’re going. Pick a small career goal and write down three actions that would get you closer to it. Complete one action.

    41. Be curious. Always have something you’re learning or developing relevant to your work—a book, course, discussions, professional development etc.

    42. Distance self-talk. Create some objectivity in your thoughts by talking to yourself using your name, or second or third person.

    43. Make a “small pleasures at work” list. Write down the smallest behaviours (e.g., smile at a friend) you can do that bring you joy in the workplace. Include one in every day.

    44. Determine a downer. What one activity do you find most draining at work? What small action can you take to make that activity just a fraction easier for yourself?

    45. Enjoy the process as much as the outcome. Achieving a goal can bring delight, but the journey to get there is likely to take longer, so find ways to make the process just as enjoyable.

    We Are What We Do Every Day

    In the end, the actions we do most often are those that make up who we are.

    If we’re going to be our best self, we need to keep self-compassion and self-care in mind at work as well as outside it.

    Treat your work as an integral piece of who you are as a whole.

    Break out of your loop. Pay attention to your work wellness.

    Pick one of the ideas and try it today.

    —

    **Ellen has generously offered five copies of her new book, Your Work Wellness Toolkit: Mindset Tips, Journaling, and Rituals to Help You Thrive at Work, to Tiny Buddha readers. Offering 100 simple and super-effective exercises, Your Work Wellness Toolkit is a practical guide to nurturing yourself at work so you can feel calmer, more productive, and more energized, every day.

    To enter to win a copy, leave a comment below sharing which self-care exercise above resonated with you most strongly, then email the link to your comment to Ellen at ellen@ellenbard.com with “Tiny Buddha Giveaway” in the subject line.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, February 18th. She’ll choose the winners at random and contact them soon after! 

  • 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul

    45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul

    “There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling leaves and remember that it is enough to be taken care of by myself.” ~Brian Andreas

    Do you ever forget to take care of yourself?

    I know. You’re busy, and finding the time to take proper care of yourself can be hard. But if you don’t, it won’t be long before you’re battered from exhaustion and operating in a mental fog where it’s hard to care about anything or anyone.

    I should know.

    A few years ago, I had a corporate job in London, working a regular sixty-hour week. I enjoyed working with my clients and colleagues, and I wanted to do well.

    But I had no life.

    I rarely took care of myself, and I was always focused on goals, achievements, and meeting the excessive expectations I had of myself. My high tolerance for discomfort meant I juggled all the balls I had in the air—but at the expense of being a well-rounded human being.

    So I made an unusual choice. I quit my job and moved to Thailand to work in a freelance capacity across many different countries and companies, which enabled me to set my own hours and engagements.

    I began to take care of myself better, scheduling in time alone, for exercise and for fun.

    I got to know myself better and know what I needed—not just to function, but to flourish.

    But guess what?

    At the end of last year, I spent Christmas alone in bed, completely exhausted.

    Why did this happen?

    Well, I had been running my busy website and consulting in seven countries in just two months. I forgot to take care of myself again, and I got a nasty case of strep throat.

    Self-Care Isn’t a One-Time Deal

    The strep throat was a harsh reminder that self-care isn’t something you do once and tick off the list.

    It’s the constant repetition of many tiny habits, which together soothe you and make sure you’re at your optimum—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

    The best way to do this is to implement tiny self-care habits every day. To regularly include in your life a little bit of love and attention for your own body, mind, and soul.

    The following ideas are tiny self-care activities you can fit into a short amount of time, usually with little cost.

    Pick one from each category, and include them in your life this week.

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Mind

    1. Start a compliments file. Document the great things people say about you to read later.

    2. Scratch off a lurker on your to-do list, something that’s been there for ages and you’ll never do.

    3. Change up the way you make decisions. Decide something with your heart if you usually use your head. Or if you tend to go with your heart, decide with your head.

    4. Go cloud-watching. Lie on your back, relax, and watch the sky.

    5. Take another route to work. Mixing up your routine in small ways creates new neural pathways in the brain to keep it healthy.

    6. Pay complete attention to something you usually do on autopilot, perhaps brushing your teeth, driving, eating, or performing your morning routine.

    7. Goof around for a bit. Schedule in five minutes of “play” (non-directed activity) several times throughout your day.

    8. Create a deliberate habit, and routinize something small in your life by doing it in the same way each day—what you wear on Tuesdays, or picking up the dental floss before you brush.

    9. Fix a small annoyance at home that’s been nagging you—a button lost, a drawer that’s stuck, a light bulb that’s gone.

    10. Punctuate your day with a mini-meditation with one minute of awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations; one minute of focused attention on breathing; and one minute of awareness of the body as a whole.

    11. Be selfish. Do one thing today just because it makes you happy.

    12. Do a mini-declutter. Recycle three things from your wardrobe that you don’t love or regularly wear.

    13. Unplug for an hour. Switch everything to airplane mode and free yourself from the constant bings of social media and email.

    14. Get out of your comfort zone, even if it’s just talking to a stranger at the bus stop.

    15. Edit your social media feeds, and take out any negative people. You can just “mute” them; you don’t have to delete them. 

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Body

    1. Give your body ten minutes of mindful attention. Use the body scan technique to check in with each part of your body.

    2. Oxygenate by taking three deep breaths. Breathe into your abdomen, and let the air puff out your stomach and chest.

    3. Get down and boogie. Put on your favorite upbeat record and shake your booty.

    4. Stretch out the kinks. If you’re at work, you can always head to the bathroom to avoid strange looks.

    5. Run (or walk, depending on your current physical health) for a few minutes. Or go up and down the stairs three times.

    6. Narrow your food choices. Pick two healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners and rotate for the week.

    7. Activate your self-soothing system. Stroke your own arm, or if that feels too weird, moisturize.

    8. Get to know yourself intimately. Look lovingly and without judgment at yourself naked. (Use a mirror to make sure you get to know all of you!)

    9. Make one small change to your diet for the week. Drink an extra glass of water each day, or have an extra portion of veggies each meal.

    10. Give your body a treat. Pick something from your wardrobe that feels great next to your skin.

    11. Be still. Sit somewhere green, and be quiet for a few minutes.

    12. Get fifteen minutes of sun, especially if you’re in a cold climate. (Use sunscreen if appropriate.)

    13. Inhale an upbeat smell. Try peppermint to suppress food cravings and boost mood and motivation.

    14. Have a good laugh. Read a couple of comic strips that you enjoy. (For inspiration, try Calvin and Hobbes, Dilbert, or xkcd.)

    15. Take a quick nap. Ten to twenty minutes can reduce your sleep debt and leave you ready for action.

    Tiny Self-Care Ideas for the Soul

    1. Imagine you’re your best friend. If you were, what would you tell yourself right now? Look in the mirror and say it.

    2. Use your commute for a “Beauty Scavenger Hunt.” Find five unexpected beautiful things on your way to work.

    3. Help someone. Carry a bag, open a door, or pick up an extra carton of milk for a neighbor.

    4. Check in with your emotions. Sit quietly and just name without judgment what you’re feeling.

    5. Write out your thoughts. Go for fifteen minutes on anything bothering you. Then let it go as you burn or bin the paper.

    6. Choose who you spend your time with today. Hang out with “Radiators” who emit enthusiasm and positivity, and not “Drains” whose pessimism and negativity robs energy.

    7. Stroke a pet. If you don’t have one, go to the park and find one. (Ask first!)

    8. Get positive feedback. Ask three good friends to tell you what they love about you.

    9. Make a small connection. Have a few sentences of conversation with someone in customer service such as a sales assistant or barista.

    10. Splurge a little. Buy a small luxury as a way of valuing yourself.

    11. Have a self-date. Spend an hour alone doing something that nourishes you (reading, your hobby, visiting a museum or gallery, etc.)

    12. Exercise a signature strength. Think about what you’re good at, and find an opportunity for it today.

    13. Take a home spa. Have a long bath or shower, sit around in your bathrobe, and read magazines.

    14. Ask for help—big or small, but reach out.

    15. Plan a two-day holiday for next weekend. Turn off your phone, tell people you’ll be away, and then do something new in your own town.

    Little and Often Wins the Day

    With a little bit of attention to your own self-care, the fog will lift.

    You’ll feel more connected to yourself and the world around you.

    You’ll delight in small pleasures, and nothing will seem quite as difficult as it did before.

    Like that car, you must keep yourself tuned up to make sure that you don’t need a complete overhaul.

    Incorporating a few of these tiny self-care ideas in your day will help keep you in tune.

    Which one will you try first?

  • 5 Ways to Create a Life You Love Without Making a Major Change

    5 Ways to Create a Life You Love Without Making a Major Change

    Love Life

    “Some people thrive on dramatic change. Some people prefer the slow and steady route. Do what’s right for you.” ~Julie Morgenstern

    Admit it.

    You feel like something’s missing from your life.

    You see people who have transformed their lives, given up their day jobs, and moved to exotic lands.

    People who have created a new life and found whatever was missing from their previous humdrum existences.

    But you don’t hate your life. You’re okay with a little humdrum. You like your responsibilities—your partner, kids, house, or job. The thought of the life you have stretching out in front of you isn’t awful.

    In fact, you’re just a fraction away from … contentment.

    But still.

    You can see there’s something to be said for adventure. You read the books, the articles, and the posts reminding you to do something new every now and then.

    But you wonder, how can you enhance and love the life you have rather than start a new one?

    Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

    A trend had popped up lately—which given I’m part of, I’m not knocking—for articles about location independence, digital nomads, travel, and freedom.

    The world has changed, and the possibilities for us all, particularly those of us lucky enough to be born in the Western world, seem almost endless.

    We can move continents, switch jobs, change our lives, or go from being an accountant to an artist. We must sacrifice, sure, but the possibility is there.

    But creating a life you love is different for every person. For many people, the way to be happy is through building on what you have rather than starting from scratch.

    I moved from the UK to Thailand because I needed a change in my life. I took a while to settle into my life there.

    Once I did, I realized that creating a life you love isn’t a one-time thing. One change—even a huge one—doesn’t fix everything. I grew to understand that to avoid growing stagnant and complacent, I needed to continue to make tiny course adjustments to stay on track with an amazing life.

    Otherwise, I might end up back where I started—in a life where I didn’t notice I had slipped into full-blown unhappiness until it was almost too late.

    But I didn’t need to start again by moving to some other country or making other exponential changes. I wanted to build on the life I had and make that a tiny bit better every day. I could have mini-adventures right where I was.

    Below are five ways to be content though building on what you have rather than chucking everything you currently have and starting from scratch.

    1. Clear space and pause.

    Sometimes, to see what would best serve us, we need some clear space in our lives—time when we aren’t busy doing anything other than daydreaming and letting our minds wander.

    These days, we tend to be uncomfortable with the threat of boredom, and when we’re left on our own for a few minutes, we’re quick to pick up our cell phones to fill the time.

    I’m as guilty as anyone else. I’ve deleted apps from my phone so that I couldn’t use them like a crutch. I keep my phone in my bag when I’m with others to make sure I don’t check it without thinking.

    Some of my favorite moments in the day are when I’m lying in bed, ready to sleep, and I play with the characters I write about in my fiction, considering plot ideas and just “noodling.”

    This week, use the spaces when you’d usually fill your time with your device, and just pause. Muse and dream about where in your life a little change or adventure would help you move forward and make your life happier.

    2. Reflect and tweak.

    How well do you know yourself? Could you clearly state your likes and dislikes, fears and desires, or what your values are?

    A few years ago, I tried to do the perfect day exercise over and over, and I came up blank. Sadly, I didn’t know enough about my deeper self to imagine it even in my mind.

    I needed time to get to know myself better, including many exercises, courses, and trying out the ideas in this post. But these days, I have no problems visualizing it, and I take a small step closer to it every day.

    You can, too, if you mine your subconscious. For the next week, for five timed minutes each day, brainstorm two lists of at least ten items each—one list containing things you love (or desire), one containing things you dislike (or fears). Go wild; don’t try and be rational or edit yourself.

    At the end of the week, you should have up to 100 things you do and don’t like (repetition is fine). Reflect on the themes or things that came up a lot, and see where you can tweak your life to decrease or increase the presence of dislikes and likes in your current life.

    For example, if nature appears on your list of things you love, be sure to spend a little time every day relaxing or exercising outside. If sitting in traffic appears on your dislikes list, see if you can replace some of your driving time with walking or biking, or make your driving time more enjoyable by listening to your favorite podcasts.

    These small tweaks will nudge you in the direction of a more positive and joyful life.

    3. Experiment and adventure.

    You’re busy; I get that. But you don’t need to go bungee jumping to have an adventure.

    Think small, not big, and create space for one tiny adventure or experiment each week.

    Plenty of opportunities exist for tiny adventures in life every day, from getting off at a new bus stop to talking to a stranger. Perhaps it’s a new take-out place, a free tour at an art gallery, or choosing a movie at random.

    Rather than the head-down, just-get-through-the-day attitude I used to have, I try to see even potentially boring activities as an adventure. Waiting in lines, I people-watch and make up stories, or I dance while doing the housework.

    These mini-adventures will push you out of your comfort zone, face down fears, and help you have more fun.

    4. Soothe and nurture.

    If you’re feeling run down, you’re out of emotional resources, or you’re overworked, you’ll struggle to fit in fun or truly get the most from the life you have.

    This has been a huge learning curve for me. I thought that to wring the most from life, I needed to get my head down, focus, and work and play hard. But burning the candle at both ends left me ill, unhappy, and unable to work and play with all my heart and soul.

    Schedule thirty clear minutes in your day (lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to!) where you have no agenda, and use this time to take care of yourself in small ways.

    You could pay mindful attention to your lunch instead of rushing, snuggle up on the sofa and read when it’s raining, or pay attention to your body by preparing (and eating!) a delicious and healthy meal.

    Your body, mind, and soul are intricately linked, and taking time to look after each of these so that you are ready to live the best life possible is crucial.

    5. Re-frame and re-label.

    Some days are better than others; that’s true.

    But it’s also true that two people can see the exact situation from completely opposing viewpoints.

    If we change our perspective on a situation that’s bugging us, we can improve our mindset with nothing but a change in attitude.

    Instead of feeling annoyed that a friend is late, we can feel glad we have some time to breathe and people-watch (or to do the exercise in #1). Instead of being disappointed that the restaurant we had planned to go to was closed, we can feel excited at the opportunity to experiment with a new cuisine (as in #3).

    Sometimes, when I can see a friend is much more positive than I am in a situation, I ask them to share their perspective so that I can try and adopt it. It’s a fascinating exercise—you’ll be amazed at how differently two people can view a state of affairs.

    How can you reframe and relabel any disappointments, annoyances, or discontent currently present in your life?

    It’s Okay to Live—and Love—the Life You Have

    You need to create a life that’s right for you.

    One that brings you joy and makes you shine a little brighter in the world.

    It doesn’t have to mean leaving your current life behind—your home, job, or relationships—and moving to a far and distant land.

    You can bring a little adventure into your life easily, if you start just where you are.

    Incremental change, not exponential change, might be exactly what you need.

    Love life image via Shutterstock

  • Managing Chronic Pain: 5 Lessons from Being Hit by a Truck

    Managing Chronic Pain: 5 Lessons from Being Hit by a Truck

    Woman in Pain

    “Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

    You know how people say, “It was like being hit by a truck”?

    I know what they mean.

    But the impact took over ten years.

    It was a cold, snowy January, and I was in my car, singing along to the radio.

    I was doing a steady, careful sixty miles per hour, in the middle lane of a busy British highway. I was on my way to deliver my first solo course for the company I’d joined a few months before. It was a good day.

    Suddenly, my world shook. I saw a flash of yellow in the passenger side window, and two big bangs jerked me to a stop.

    I went from cheerily singing to a terrified shaking in the front seat, car stopped dead at a lopsided angle in the fast lane.

    My body, infused with adrenaline, struggled for air, and I felt paralyzed, knowing I needed to do something, move the car, get out, anything, but it was as if my brain was frozen. What the hell had just happened?

    I’d been hit by a truck.

    A foreign lorry (the driver on the opposite side of the cab to UK cars) had pulled into the middle lane without seeing it was already occupied. By me.

    The side of his yellow truck hit the side of my car at sixty miles per hour, pushing it out of the way like a child knocking over toy soldiers.

    I was shunted at speed into the fast lane, where I hit the back of another car. Instead of spinning out into the middle of the highway, I came to a stop after this second hit.

    And then I wept as the adrenaline hit me and I realized what had just happened. And what could have happened. And was just grateful it was over.

    I wonder what my reaction would have been if I could have seen the longer-term impact of that accident—the impact that would stretch ten years and more ahead of me.

    Immediate Impact

    At the time, I suffered mild whiplash, my car needed extensive work, and unsurprisingly, I didn’t deliver the course.

    But after that, apart from some slight twinges in my shoulder and neck, I felt okay. Maybe a little quieter and more anxious than usual for a while, but okay.

    There was some pain, but I saw an osteopath for a few sessions, and my body seemed to settle.

    But after another couple of months, the pain returned. I saw the osteopath again, and after a few sessions it subsided.

    Rinse and repeat.

    This pattern happened again and again, and I started to expand my treatment options. Physio, acupuncture, Bowen, deep tissue massage—you name it, I probably tried it.

    And although the treatment often did help, the intervals without pain became smaller and smaller until eventually, the pain was constant. I was diagnosed with chronic pain, something you need to manage, rather than acute pain, something you can cure.

    Sometimes You Have to Learn Lessons the Hard Way

    Fast forward another five years, and I’m no longer in London, working in a stressful job with long hours and high demands.

    I spend most of my time in Thailand. Yoga is a big part of my life, as is writing, blogging, and sharing both my expertise as a psychologist and my experiences as someone who’s lived through great personal change and development myself.

    So what lessons did I learn from all this that helped me to change my life so dramatically?

    1. Think of your body as an integrated system and not unconnected parts.

    When I started to see consultants, I would see “the shoulder consultant” or “the back consultant.” But our bodies don’t work like that. I had more than one issue, but struggled to get the back consultant to think about my neck, or the shoulder consultant to take into consideration my arm.

    Since the accident, I’ve learned a huge amount about my own body. I understand more about the “flavor” of different kinds of sensation and pain. But most importantly, I know that my body is a complex system of many different parts working together, not a set of connected-but-separate pieces.

    Doctors aren’t trained to think that way. But that doesn’t mean you can’t. Keep track of your symptoms, read up, and be open to seeing different practitioners who might be able to help you view your body as a whole.

    2. Your body is both strong and fragile.

    I used to have an arrogance around my body, my spirit, my independence. I used to say that I never wanted to be dependent on anything—food, coffee, pills, a person.

    Now, I take a number of different medications every day. I’m no longer independent.

    I wasn’t particularly fit, but I thought my strength of will was enough. I was wrong.

    I learned that our bodies and minds have both infinite strength, but also fragility and vulnerability. And I’m slowly learning to embrace the vulnerability as well as the strength.

    Where are you strong? Where are you vulnerable? Work on identifying and more importantly, accepting, both.

    3. Be open to what can help you.

    I was also very skeptical of any kind of alternative therapy. But when you’re in constant pain, you’ll try anything. I’ve seen many different practitioners now, and have tried to be as open as possible to each.

    Unless I really feel uncomfortable or negative about them, I will give a practitioner three goes. And I’ll monitor the impact of their treatment.

    Given that you can also end up spending quite a lot of time and money, if the impact isn’t enough—the cost-benefit isn’t high—then I won’t continue. Some treatments have surprised me in how much they helped; others have disappointed me.

    I’m well aware of the placebo effect, but I’m okay with it. But I’m also cautious when the practitioner says something like “the effects are subtle.” Too subtle, and maybe I should be spending my time and money elsewhere.

    What have you closed your mind to without further exploration? What could you experiment with if only you could put pride aside?

    4. Manage your own “stuff” with boundaries and kindness.

    Chronic pain is a challenging condition in many ways, as it’s invisible; it’s not like a broken arm, where your cast clearly shows others something’s wrong so they don’t bump into you.

    To other people, I look no more or less healthy than them. When I have a bad pain day, it’s hard for others to know, and they are much more likely to “bump into me.”

    We all have “stuff” like this—and it doesn’t have to be a health condition. Invisible stuff—a stressful day, a bad day, grief, loss, pain, rejection—the list goes on.

    My relationship with my body has also changed over time. Before the accident, my connection with my body was functional; it did what I needed it to. After the accident, I was angry, and disconnected my mind and body. I even talked about it as another entity: “My body and I have a difficult relationship.”

    It took me a long time—and work with mindfulness, yoga, and meditation—to learn to accept my body and just “be” with it.

    And rebuilding the shattered relationship between body and mind has also meant learning how to be in my mind (remembering that the two aren’t distinct). Understanding what I need when I have a bad day. Being kind to myself. And also creating self-care boundaries; I don’t have endless energy, and so need to curate it carefully.

    Do you know when you’re having a bad day? What do you do to protect yourself? Where are your boundaries? How are you kind to yourself?

    5. Good things can come from bad.

    I don’t believe that I had to be hit by a truck to change my life—that “everything happens for a reason.”

    I try and flip it round—what good can I find in this tough situation? How can I, as the quote says, turn this pain into wisdom? It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I’m a work-in-progress, just like everyone else. I get knocked down; I get up again.

    Chronic pain was a critical factor in my decision to completely change my life, going from a workaholic management consultant in London to running my own business online, basing myself mainly in Thailand.

    It’s helped me to learn (and re-learn!) the lesson of acceptance of “what is,” rather than constantly wishing the world was somehow different.

    Because once you accept the now, you can build on that foundation and apply all the other lessons to the next stage of your life, or even just the next day.

    Because every moment is a new moment. An opportunity for change. Another start.

    Woman in pain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be Sure External Factors Aren’t Affecting Your Decision

    How to Be Sure External Factors Aren’t Affecting Your Decision

    Standing at a Crossroad

    “Don’t make a permanent decision for your temporary emotion.” ~Unknown

    It was a beautiful day today. The sun shone brightly, kissing my face and warming my bones, the sky was as blue as a lover’s eyes, and there were those little fluffy clouds that seem like aimless but happy sheep floating gently in the sky.

    And my heart sang.

    I felt joy deep down in my soul.

    I smiled at bus drivers and baristas alike.

    Nothing could dent my good mood.

    Currently mulling over medium-term plans (I started living as a digital nomad two years ago), I started to consider seriously the idea of a short-term let in the English countryside, or a house-sit in some glorious old farmhouse surrounded by living green or golden fields, a cat on my lap, a dog by my feet, and chickens out back.

    Whooooah Nelly.

    I snapped back to reality with a click, the sunlight suddenly seeming harsh instead of kind, the blue of the sky austere instead of abundant, and the sheep in the sky suddenly moving with threatening purpose.

    I’ve been living in Thailand for nearly two years now, drawn there initially to experience something other than the total-work-immersion and the health issues that had previously dominated my life.

    Gradually, as I had begun to understand more the activities that brought me delight and awoke my passions, I eased into building a life there.

    I was happy to come back to the UK for periods of four to six weeks, a couple of times a year, but I wasn’t currently planning on living there. Not right now, anyway.

    It was then I was reminded how much our environment—in this case, the weather—affects our emotions and moods.

    It was easy to see how much the weather that day was influencing me. And I could remember lots of times when cold days and drizzle had made everything seem a little bit harder, a little bit more difficult to bear, a little more wearing on body and soul.

    And I wondered what other decisions I might have made in those circumstances, unconscious of the fact that the weather might have been influencing how I chose to move forward.

    Had I rejected social opportunities because my body had withdrawn into the comfort of sofa and duvet on days with biting winter winds?

    Had I declined to return a phone call from a recruiter that might have brought new possibilities because I didn’t want to take my gloves off on a cold day?

    Had I turned down a second date with a potential lover because the idea of trekking into the city to meet him in the rain felt like too much trouble?

    Alternatively, when the sun was shining, haloing those around me with a golden light, had I given people the benefit of the doubt?

    Had the energy to be kind to strangers?

    Gone out of my way to visit friends and family to share the warmth that the sun had brought me with them?

    This all led me to consider what other unseen or unheard things influence the decisions I make—decisions I think I am making independently, through my own free will.

    Environment, weather, the people I’ve just seen, the people I’m about to see, a song on the radio, the colors in the café where I’m writing out my pros and cons list.

    Buying a house is a classic example. Estate agents try to take photos of houses with a blue sky, with spring the best time to sell a house in the western hemisphere, and the sullen month of January the worst.

    There’s no question we can be influenced more than we realize by external factors. Marketing relies on this. But we can grow our awareness, and free ourselves from at least some of the stuff that isn’t really “us.”

    Here are my suggestions for how to ensure any decision you make is as much “yours” as it can be.

    1. Listen to your gut, then wait.

    This is one of the reasons I think it’s always a good idea to make a decision and then sit on it for a day or so.

    It’s taken me a long time to really hear my gut, and listen to my inner self. It’s important to listen to our instincts as part of any decision-making process, and combine that with experience, logic, and time to make the best possible decision.

    2. Consider your choice in different environments and difficult circumstances.

    Does it seem as good an idea in the dark night as it does in the bright day? In the cold as in the warm?

    In the dead of night, alone in bed I sometimes experience huge anxiety about things that in the day wouldn’t trouble me at all. I know now not to make a decision based on that anxiety alone.

    3. Get to know yourself better.

    Do you know what moods different external factors put you in? Do you love summer rain, or being cosy by the fire in autumn? Or do colorful spring flowers and snow at Christmas put you in a good mood?

    When you know what’s likely to increase your optimism or pessimism, when you’re thinking about a decision, take this into account.

    4. Track your moods.

    Moodscope.com is great for this. This engaging online tool presents you with twenty different emotions and asks you, via flipping cards, to rate yourself on each feeling every day. This can give you a very clear understanding of how you feel each day, and can help you to make your decisions accordingly.

    5. Make more of an effort.

    When you know you’re being affected negatively by outside circumstances, go out of your way to be kind not only to others, but to yourself.

    Hold off on big decisions where you can, and don’t sweat small decisions; it really doesn’t matter if you have the pasta or the risotto for your dinner. Have the other one another time.

    —

    Reminding ourselves that our emotions affect our decision-making, and that our emotions in turn are affected by many external factors, can help us to step back and understand how we are actually making a decision.

    As with many human processes, it’s not quite as simple as it looks, but it doesn’t take much to think about what else is going on, and allow for it.

    Man at a crossroad image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret

    3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret

    Carpe Diem

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brene Brown

    Even though I’m a psychologist who has been working in the field of development and assessment for the last thirteen years, sometimes it still takes more than reading a theory in a book, or even seeing something work with a client, to make it real for me.

    Here are three of the moments that have had the most impact on me and the way I live my life.

    1. Each of us has the power to change our situation.

    I worked for ten years at a company I mostly loved, in a job I mostly loved, but it was a job that didn’t really love me. It was long hours, hard and stressful work.

    I thought I thrived on it for a long time, until I slowly came to realize I didn’t have much of a life outside of work.

    I had some health issues that didn’t seem to be improving, but I was hoping, year after year, that things would somehow get better. But it seemed things never did.

    My breakthrough moment was realizing that I had the power within me to change the situation. Sometimes a choice might be a hard choice, but it’s still a choice.

    So instead of going for the next promotion, I resigned. I moved to SE Asia, where I’ve been living and working freelance for a year now. My life still has work as part of it, but also coffee shops, blogging, friends, fun, travel, and yoga. And passion and purpose in a way it didn’t before.

    I had the power to change the situation all along, and eventually, I did.

    Consider your own life.

    Is there anything that you want to change?

    Are you waiting for someone else to make it happen?

    Take the power back and take a step toward change yourself.

    Change can be hard, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

    2. Act to ensure you feel like you’ve done your best by the relationships in your life at any given moment.

    My dad died six years ago, and after the worst of the grieving was done, it gave me another breakthrough moment.

    He died suddenly from a heart attack with no warning at fifty-five. It was a terrible shock for all of us. But through the sadness, I was very grateful that I had no regrets about the way our relationship had been. I’d loved him unreservedly, I’d spent time with him, I’d laughed with him, and I’d shared my life with him.

    The situation made clear to me that anyone can be taken from us at any time.

    And that, even though it sounds a bit macabre, I should live my relationships as though the person could die at any minute.

    It’s ensured I respond in a different way to situations that previously could have been blown out of proportion. It’s helped me to avoid many arguments, but also speak up and be honest about my own feelings.

    It’s helped me to have the best possible relationship I can with the people I love. And, in fact, some I don’t. I no longer waste time, as I know that time is finite.

    How are your relationships right now? With family, with friends?

    How would you feel if someone you loved died today? Is there anything you would change about the way you contributed to the relationship?

    Remember that while it’s not possible to change how other people respond, it is possible to work on your own responses. Sometimes that can take time and effort, but better now than when it’s too late.

    3. What’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for you.

    Another breakthrough moment was in the last couple of months, as I’ve been living a very different life in Thailand to the life of the corporate businesswoman I was in the UK.

    The study of personality and individual differences is a core part of my training, and something I work with all the time.

    I’ve viewed the success of Susan Cain’s book about introverts, Quiet, with interest, as I’m a definite introvert myself, but one who’s always adapted her behavior to demonstrate extrovert behaviors, at work and even with friends.

    Recently, my very extrovert mum visited Thailand to spend a month working on our blog and website. This prompted me to realize that I no longer adjust my behaviour as much as I used to.

    I spend a lot of time alone, I work in coffee shops with people buzzing around me, but in my own little bubble. But more importantly, I’m okay with that life. I accept that this is the right life for me at the moment, and is giving me the kind of nourishment I need.

    And I don’t need to worry about making lots of new friends and doing lots of social activities, as some people suggest to me. I’m okay living the life that’s right for me.

    Whilst it’s good to listen to other points of view, I know that what’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for me. And I have the strength to follow my own path.

    Are there any aspects of your life that you are living according to what others think is right, rather than what’s right for you?

    We are all different, every one of the billions of us alive right now, and we need different things to grow and develop into our “best self.”

    Give yourself the best possible chance at this by creating an environment that nurtures you, rather than what others think should nurture you, or what you think should nurture you.

    You Own Your Story

    All of these three breakthrough moments—taking back the power to make my own choices, ensuring my relationships are in the best possible state, and following my own path despite others’ opinions—had at their core me owning my own story.

    If there’s one overarching lesson I would like to share with you, whispering it gently, kindly, but persistently in your ear, it’s that you own your own story.

    No one else is writing it for you.

    So write with a loving hand, reflecting on your own breakthrough moments, but don’t sit around passively waiting for the story to just happen.

    Take a step toward a more nourishing, powerful, and loving life right now.

    Photo by Chris Parker

  • 3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    3 Ways to Be Kind and Make Someone’s Day

    Smiling Together

    “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

    It’s the small, everyday things that can make or break a day for us.

    While we celebrate the role models who inspire thousands (in person or on Facebook!), for most of us everyday moments—a stranger jostling us in the shops, a driver cutting us up at a light, someone pushing in front of us in line at the post office—can upset us out of all proportion.

    But the flip side is that we can also be disproportionately pleased by the small actions of a stranger.

    On a bad day recently, rushing down the road in Chiang Mai, Thailand, late for an appointment, I dropped my bag and things spilled all over the road. I looked at my possessions spread out in the dust beneath me and held back tears.

    As I stood there, a Thai woman, tending a food cart at the side of the road, walked over and carefully helped me pick everything up. Then she smiled at me, patted my hand, and walked back to her stall.

    This small act of kindness from a stranger reminded me to be kind to myself, and I took a breath before continuing with my day, lighter in heart and mind.

    Be that stranger. Here are three small acts of kindness you can carry out today.

    Offer your help.

    Last year I met someone who challenged himself to offer his help to one person every day.

    One day, I was really ill, in a foreign country, alone. I had no way of getting to the shops. He offered his help and brought me groceries. It was a small thing for him. But I was hugely grateful, and it made a real impact on me, this almost-stranger providing practical help.

    Now I try and offer my help more often.

    At first I used to think no one would be interested in my help, or they’d be suspicious, or dozens of other reasons that stopped me from offering. But even when people don’t need it, they appreciate being offered help.

    I offered someone help with something they were carrying yesterday, and while he turned me down, we exchanged a joke and a few words, and both of us went on our way happier.

    And when people do need the help, you’ll be amazed at the long-lasting impact it can have.

    Be of service. Offer assistance.

    Say thank you.

    You might say thank you 100 times a day. It’s a politeness, a courtesy. But how many times do you actually mean it? How many times are you still engaged in the conversation when you say it, and not turning away toward the next thing?

    I have a friend who doesn’t just write the usual “To Sarah, Happy Birthday, Love Mary,” on birthday cards but instead takes the time to write a more heartfelt message. She includes some of the things she appreciates her friend for doing for her that year.

    Getting a card from her doesn’t feel like a formality, it feels like a true connection. And her cards are the ones I remember.

    Today, say thank you like you mean it. Catch the other person’s eye and say it firmly. “Thank you. I really appreciate your help.” It could be to the girl who serves you your caramel macchiato in Starbucks, or your dad for helping you out by putting that shelf up for you.

    Or, if it feels too personal or intimate to say it face-to-face, write a letter or a card to a friend thanking them for something specific they contributed to the friendship last year—their joy, their lightness of touch, the great presents they always buy you, their sense of humor.

    Be grateful, and share that gratitude with the other person.

    Compliment someone.

    We judge others in our head all the time, just as we judge ourselves all the time. I hate that dress she’s wearing. I look fat in that mirror. I can’t believe she just said that. That nail  polish is awful. He really can’t do that yoga pose… It’s a constant narrative.

    But we also think positive things in the same way: I love that skirt. I wish my hair was that color. Those shoes are great. He does a great downward dog; I wish I was that confident.

    In my last job, particularly when I was feeling negative (and knew it might leak out), I used to push myself to articulate the compliments I usually just said in my head. Sometimes the person I was complimenting was a little taken aback, but they were always pleased.

    Put your focus on the positive by expressing it. Tell someone what you like, admire, and appreciate. Share the love.

    These actions might seem small, but not only do they make others’ lives better, they are also directly nourishing for you. Being kind is good is not only good for your heart, it’s good for your health.