Tiny Buddha

Author: Daniela Naidu

  • 3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    Friends forever

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    In this current age of social media, it is easy to have large and wide social circles. I believe that the larger and wider these circles get, the shallower the friendships become.

    I’ve always been a person who is very selective when forging friendships. I think that has mostly stemmed from the fact that I value depth over breadth, and quality over quantity.

    For this reason, I have had a handful of friendships that have lasted through the test of time. But unfortunately, I have also had a few friendships that I have lost through my own thoughtlessness and complacency.

    Over my adult life, I can identify three times when I failed a very good friend. These times have stayed with me over the years, primarily because of the lessons that I learned from them. Sometimes the lesson was learned immediately; other times the lesson took years to have its full effect on me.

    I hope that by sharing these three stories and their related lessons, I may be able to help you avoid the mistakes I made so you won’t run the risk of damaging any of your most valued friendships.

    When I Ignored Her Needs

    When I was in college, my freshman roommate was a friend from high school. We thought it would be best to room with someone we already knew rather than a total stranger.

    By the end of our freshman year, we realized that we had less in common than we had thought and that it would be better to live separately, but still remain friends. As we both changed and grew over the next two years, we decided to live together again as seniors, and it really turned out to be the best rooming experience of all my four college years.

    During our senior year, we attended the wedding of a mutual friend. At that wedding, I met a man (one of the groomsmen, actually) and had a great time with him. He was from out of town, was going home in the morning, and I really didn’t want the evening to end.

    My friend and I had shared a taxi to the wedding and had planned on going home together. My plans, of course, had changed. I left her to her own devices, to flag down a taxi in a big city, in a part of town that she was not familiar with.

    I should also explain that my friend was not the most adventurous or experienced person I knew. That was part of why she made such a good, reliable roommate.

    I knew that she was very uncomfortable in the situation that I had created for her. But I didn’t care. I thought: “If things were reversed, I would understand. Why doesn’t she understand? What is the big deal anyway? It’s just a cab ride.”

    But to her it wasn’t just a cab ride, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit that I knew it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true because of my own selfish motives.

    In the end our friendship survived, but the long-distance relationship with the groomsman didn’t. He went back to his ex-girlfriend, and the friend that I had dumped for him comforted me through my heartbreak. She was a much better friend to me at that time than I had been to her.

    The lesson: I learned from this situation that it is so easy to be selfish and not even realize that you are doing it. When you are in the heat of the moment, and you don’t take time to step back and think before you act, you run the risk of letting your emotions get the best of your judgment.

    At that moment, all I thought about was my own interests and completely ignored the needs of my friend. I had no empathy for her, even though I was the one who was putting her in an unpleasant situation through my own selfish actions.

    I learned that true empathy involves understanding and respecting how the other person is feeling even if you would not feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Rather than acknowledging how my friend felt, I expected her to see things my way and to feel as I would have if the situation had been reversed.

    When I Gave in to Pressure

    When I was in my early twenties and living in California, a friend with whom I had remained close for more than ten years flew out from Washington DC to visit me.

    It was her first cross-country trip and a big deal to her. We had not seen each other in years and were both very excited about the visit.

    During the last night of her trip, she was watching TV in my living room when the person who shared my apartment picked up his guitar and started to play. She told him to be quiet because she couldn’t hear the TV. When he took his guitar and left the room, I didn’t think anything of it.

    But later that night he insisted that she had to leave because she had been disrespectful to him. I explained that it was her last night and she’d be gone in the morning. He refused to change his mind, and I gave in to his pressure.

    My friend was in shock, to say the least. She wasn’t even given a chance to apologize. I drove her to a nearby hotel and paid for her room.

    The next morning I took her to the airport, and, to her great credit, she didn’t blame me at all for what happened. I, on the other hand, felt terrible about my lack of conviction and inability to stand up for what I knew was right.

    She and I eventually lost touch over the next year. She never said so, but I suspect that event marked the beginning of the end of our friendship.

    The lesson: I learned that one bad decision can quickly ruin a friendship, especially if you don’t address it. Because my friend acted like she was fine, I preferred to just forget what happened. I thought that was easier than discussing it with her and reminding myself how ashamed I felt about my own behavior.

    I took the easy, immature, and selfish option of sweeping it under the rug. I really think that if I had acted differently and taken responsibility for my mistake, our friendship would have survived.

    When I Didn’t Want to Listen

    Last year I was having a conversation with an old friend. We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years and have shared many of the ups and downs of our lives with each other.

    During that conversation, I asked her if things were any better for her, as she’d just gone through a difficult and tumultuous couple of weeks. She said that things were better and she had not had any more thoughts of suicide.

    Her statement took me completely by surprise, so much so that I had no idea how to react to it.

    My immediate thought was that, as a friend, I couldn’t let a statement like that just slide by unaddressed. I had to say something, anything, in response, but I didn’t. I just acted like she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary, even though she had never, ever said anything remotely close to that before.

    I later thought about why I hadn’t reacted. And the truth was embarrassingly selfish and simple: I simply was not in the mood to listen.

    I had asked her how she was doing out of politeness, not genuine concern or interest. That day, I was preoccupied and distracted with my own petty problems, and not present or engaged in the conversation. That day, I wasn’t a friend to her at all.

    The lesson: I learned that the true meaning of friendship is to be available and supportive even when it is difficult or unpleasant. That is part of the responsibility that comes along with being a friend.

    Anyone who has children knows that there are days when you don’t feel like doing what needs to be done, but you do it anyway. Similarly, as a true friend, you have to be present no matter what. A true friend doesn’t only provide help and support when it is convenient, but provides it every time that it is needed.

    These are the hard lessons that I have learned about friendship. Do you have any friendship lessons that you learned the hard way?

  • 5 Lessons on Living a Long, Healthy Life, from a 90-Year-Old

    5 Lessons on Living a Long, Healthy Life, from a 90-Year-Old

    Happy Old Woman

    “In the end, long life is the reward, strength, and beauty.” ~Grace Paley

    In September 2014, my grandmother turned ninety years old. She lives in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It is where she has lived her entire life, and while my parents could have brought her to live with them in the US a long time ago, she has always preferred to live independently in her hometown.

    I went to Rio to celebrate my grandmother’s ninetieth birthday. Although I was born there, I had not been back for over twenty-five years. I learned a lot about my country of birth, my hometown, and my relatives on that trip, but the most important things that I learned were from my grandmother.

    She is healthier, more active, and more independent than most seventy-year-olds. By simply observing her, I learned some key lessons about what it takes to have a very healthy and long life. Here are the five keys to her longevity.

    The Importance of Being Physically Active

    When you imagine someone in their nineties, you probably imagine a person who has difficulty moving because of body aches, stiff joints, muscle loss, and a lack of stamina. You may imagine someone who needs a cane or walker to get around and can’t walk long distances without needing to stop for a break.

    My grandmother is definitely not that person. She is very active every day. She cleans her apartment, cooks her meals, and does her laundry. She also goes to the market, the bank, the post office, and anywhere else she needs to go on foot.

    Because she lives in a big city and almost everything she needs is within walking distance, my grandmother is able to walk to most places.

    She doesn’t walk because she thinks it’s good for her. No doctor has ever told her that she needs to be more active. She is active because it’s how she has always lived her life.

    My grandmother is twice my age, but she moves more on a daily basis than I do. I have to make a conscious effort to perform as much physical daily activity as she does. My grandmother doesn’t have to go to a gym to work out; her daily life is all the work out she needs.

    The Importance of Living Independently

    Although she has many relatives who live close by (her younger sister lives in the same building), my grandmother has lived on her own for over thirty years. She manages her finances, makes all her own decisions, and doesn’t need to rely on anyone to provide for her basic day-to-day needs.

    She takes care of everything herself every day. As a result, she has been able to remain confident in her abilities and her judgment.

    My grandmother doesn’t feel like the world is moving too fast for her to keep up. She knows how to use modern technology, stays current on world events and local politics, and has no problem speaking her mind. She knows that she is vital and doesn’t need anyone to tell her what to do or how to do it.

    Nothing intimidates her.

    The Importance of Mental Wellness

    For as long as I can remember, my grandmother has loved to crochet. Both my mother and I have boxes of table runners, bedspreads, and countless doilies that she has created for us over the decades.

    There is plenty of anecdotal information as well as scientific research showing that crafts such as crocheting and knitting are good for your brain.

    Some of the ways that crochet has been shown to improve brain wellness are by:

    • increasing mindfulness
    • requiring problem-solving
    • improving hand-eye coordination
    • encouraging creativity
    • improving ability to focus

    If you think about it, the act of crocheting is very similar to the practice of meditation. Crochet is relaxing and repetitive, requiring focus without any stress. In fact, for my grandmother it has always been a stress-reducer and (without her even realizing it) a way for her to be fully present.

    The Importance of Close Relationships

    Although my grandmother lives alone, she has many relatives who also live in Rio. Her younger sister lives in a different apartment in the same building and they spend several hours every day together. The sisters are extremely close, but they both benefit from the independence they are afforded by having their own homes.

    My grandmother is also a big part of the lives of her relatives who live abroad. She speaks to and Facetimes with my mother almost daily. She also remains in close touch with her grandchildren and her great-grandson through letters, phone calls, and video chats.

    My grandmother may live alone, but she is never lonely. She chooses when to spend time with others and how much time she wants to spend them. She has worked a balance between being involved and remaining independent that works out perfectly for her.

    She knows how important she is to all those around her. She knows she is still appreciated which provides a great boost to her emotional well being.

    The Importance of Feeling Useful to Others

    My grandmother doesn’t just live close by to her younger sister; she is also her unofficial caretaker. My great-aunt lost her sight several years ago and can no longer do a lot of things for herself.

    My grandmother knows that her sister truly needs her. She does all the cooking for her and they share daily meals. She also helps her by running errands and performing other daily tasks that have become much too challenging for her.

    One of the most powerful books I have ever read is Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. In his book, Frankl states that finding a meaning that gives us something to live for is our best source of happiness and longevity.

    My grandmother is a perfect example of Frankl’s statement. Although she and her sister bicker sometimes (as all sisters do), when I see them together I know that they have an unbreakable bond. And I know that my grandmother benefits just as much from that bond as her sister does.

    —

    These are the five keys to a long and healthy life that I have learned from my grandmother. If you want to live as long and happy a life as she has, be sure to find ways to stay physically active, maintain your independence as much as possible, enjoy activities that will keep your mind sharp, nurture your close relationships, and find a way to provide and care for others.

    Do you have any longevity lessons that you have learned?

    Happy old woman image via Shutterstock