Author: Corinne Dobbas

How to Move Through Feelings of Body Shame

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~Brené Brown

My husband’s legs are smaller than mine.

I wish I could tell you that when I first realized this (when we were dating) I wasn’t emotionally triggered. And that I didn’t care.

But, I can’t.

Instead, I can tell you that I walked right up next to him, planted my thigh next to his, and awkwardly declared, “Ha! My legs are bigger than yours!”

I can still see him looking right back at me, saying, “So? I love your legs.”

I didn’t know what to say.

I thought—even though it wasn’t true—he’d say my legs weren’t bigger.

But, he didn’t. He told the truth. And that truth was that my legs were (and are) bigger.

I said nothing to him in return, except a mumbled “thank you” and changed the conversation topic. All while my body insecurities and feelings of shame and embarrassment jumbled up inside of me.

I had some thinking to do.

What was that?

This stuff was supposed to be behind me. But here it was, staring me in the face.

So I rolled up my sleeves.

I needed to move through these feelings of body shame.

Below are the five steps I used and that you can use too to move through body insecurities when you’re emotionally triggered.

Step 1: Name your shame.

By naming your shame you’re shining light on something that feels dark. And something that you’re embarrassed about.

For example, in this experience, I named my shame with the following: “I’m feeling shameful because my legs are bigger than a man’s, and culturally, I feel it should be the opposite. I’m used to seeing images of the woman being smaller than the man.”

By naming my shame not only was I lifting up a rock to let light in, I was allowing myself to get really clear on what my feelings of shame actually are and where they stem from.

When you get triggered about your body size, name your shame. Write it out in a journal or if you need more time, allow yourself the time to digest your experience and come back to it. By recognizing that you want to name your shame, it’ll come to you when you’re ready.

Step 2: Observe (instead of judge) your experience.

Give yourself a break and stop judging yourself (or your body). Allow yourself to get curious about the experience and observe what happened. A helpful tactic to do this is pretending that you were a fly on the wall, witnessing your experience.

What would that fly say happened in your experience?

This allows you to stop beating yourself up and to get out of your head.

For example, my judgmental experience with the “leg incident” would be, “I acted like a three-year-old and got super awkward and weird and started telling my now husband how much bigger my legs are than his. I’m a loser and so over dramatic.”

My observational, “fly on the wall” experience would be, “I was feeling insecure and got triggered when I realized my legs were bigger than my husband’s legs.”

See the difference?

By making your triggering experience observational, you remove yourself from the experience. You allow yourself a different perspective. And it’s in this space that you can really move through something and learn from it, instead of stay stuck in it.

Step 3: Own your experience.

When we can own our experiences, we step back into our power. And we realize that we have more power than we think. Because we’re creating part of the experience, especially our reaction.

Take my incident. When I own my part in the experience, I see that I chose my reaction.

I can choose to feel bad about my body. Or, I can choose to be grateful for what my body allows me to do and that I have a partner who is accepting of me for me.

Whether you had a “horrible food day,” got called a mean name, or feel insecure after scrolling through social media, own those feelings. Because once you name your shame and look at your experience objectively, you’ll realize that you’re the creator of your own reality and that somewhere in here there is something more for you to learn about yourself.

I needed to learn that in relation to a man, a bigger body size doesn’t mean you’re any less feminine. And that there was still a part of me that was living based off of what society says is normal (i.e. the man should be bigger than the woman).

There is no such thing as normal. This is the same thinking that has us feeling that we need to shrink ourselves to worthiness. In reality, this just isn’t true. Our size does not equate our worth.

You see, it’s not about shrinking ourselves into happiness. It’s about caring for ourselves into health and happiness.

You can do this when you begin to own your experiences and your part in them.

Step 4: Move through (not around) your emotions.

When you get to this step, you’ve already done a ton of work. This step is simply a reminder that working through triggers and funky emotions, especially surrounding our bodies and insecurities is hard work. We’re not taught this stuff in school.

And in all honesty, it’s easier to just get angry when triggers come up and then pretend they never happened. But, what generally happens here is that the thing you need to work through will present itself again and again until you work through it.

So make time to dissect what came up. You don’t need to do it all in one swoop. But plant the seed and allow the answers to come up. They will once you allow yourself and your mind to relax. Then, you can heal the wound, move through the trigger (or the belief) holding you back, and grow. Ultimately, you’ll feel more at peace with yourself and your body.

Step 5: Choose a story that serves you.

This is by far the most fun step. And will allow your wound to become a scar. Plus, it’s simple.

Choose a new story that serves you.

For example, my old story was, “Women should always be smaller than men. Especially, the ones they’re romantically involved with.”

My new story, “The size of my physical body doesn’t determine if or how I’m loved. Especially, by the right romantic partner who sees me for who I am on a deeper level.”

You see, we humans love to make up stories. They’re how we connect with one another. But, they’re also how we heal.

So in your healing process, choose a story that serves you, heals you, and honors the direction you want to go.

It’s not always easy, but I promise it’s worth it.

January 1, 2018
How to Start Liking Your Body More (Just as It Is)

“Body love is more than acceptance of self or the acceptance of the body. Body love is about self-worth in general. It’s more than our physical appearance.” ~Mary Lambert

This past week, I got married.

For me, this symbolized not only a new chapter in my life with a partner, but also a new chapter in life with myself.

Here, in this new chapter, I officially left behind the woman who was constantly trying to mold herself into whatever she needed to be to (hopefully) be accepted and loved by a partner.

And instead, I found the woman who was unapologetically herself and loved for it. In fact, that’s what ironically got her to this point in the first place.

And I left the girl who used to get by on a diet full of grapes, lettuce, and coffee. Who thought the thinner she was, the more worthy she was.

This sad, hungry girl was replaced by a woman who didn’t think twice about losing an ounce to fit into a white dress, and who embraced her curves, thighs, cellulite, wrinkles, and all that goes along with the celebration (yes, celebration) of aging.

My twenty-something self would be amazed.

To be honest, my thirty-something self is amazed.

If you had told me how I’d feel about my body and myself today, even ten years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you.

And that realization got me sitting here, reflecting, thinking, “Wow, what a journey.”

How did I get to this radical place of self-acceptance?

While it’s difficult to pinpoint any particular moment that landed me here (because there isn’t any one moment), there are certain things that pop up that I distinctly remember that allowed me to begin liking my body (and myself) more.

That allowed me to stop obsessively counting calories and to start actually enjoying food.

That allowed me to trade frantically exercising for mindfully moving (and connecting with) my body.

That allowed me to swap feeling shame about my thighs for gratitude that I have thighs.

Here are a few of those things that allowed me to start learning how to like my body more. I hope they help you just as much as they helped me.

1. Get clear on how you want to feel in your body and why that’s important to you.

First thing first, you need to know how you want to feel in your body.

Because you can’t get to where you want to go if you don’t know where that is.

So make the time, grab a pen and journal, find a quiet calm space, and ask yourself, “How do I want to feel in my body?”

Or, if it’s easier, ask yourself, “In my ideal world, where I am kind to myself, what would my relationship with my body look like?”

Write your answers out.

When you have your answers, ask yourself, “Why is this important to me?”

Know that you may need to ask yourself “why” five to seven times and really dig deep to uncover the core reason changing your relationship with your body is important to you. Just continue asking “why” until you feel your heart is speaking instead of your head.

You’ll need this reason to understand yourself more and to reflect upon when you feel frustrated and like you want to throw in the towel, because you will have those moments. But when you remember your WHY, you’ll rekindle your connection to being kinder to your body and yourself.

For me, my “why” centered on the fact that I couldn’t imagine going through my entire life at war with my body. I just couldn’t. I wanted to feel confident and free in my body, not shameful and controlled.

It took time and daily work to get to a new place, but my “why” and my vision of where I wanted to go was so strong I continued showing up.

You can do this too.

2. Flex your gratitude muscle.

One of the most interesting tools I used to like my body more was gratitude. Today, you see this word everywhere, but there’s a huge difference in seeing it all over social media and online mediums versus putting it to use.

When I began making the shift to what my body allowed me to do versus what my body didn’t look like, I was amazed.

I slowly began forming this new perspective that my body was a gift and a vehicle that allowed me to move through life. And it was my job to nurture it, take care of it, and stop being so mean to it.

What happened is that I became appreciative. I appreciated that I had thighs to hike, that even though I had cellulite, I could run a half marathon or participate in a yoga class. And it was through this viewpoint that I also came to like who I was as a person more.

I appreciated that I was open to growth, that I was compassionate, and that I had the ability to inspire others. Ironically, I found that I was more than just a body.

And so are you.

You’ll be able to see this if every day, you bullet point one or more things that you are truly grateful for or appreciate about yourself.

I promise that practicing gratitude is popular for a reason—it works.

3. Surround yourself with healthy bodies.

A huge part of my journey was surrounding myself with healthy bodies, all sorts of shapes and sizes, online and offline.

Because what can so easily happen is that we end up comparing ourselves to ideals that aren’t even real or that aren’t physiologically possible for us because they’re simply not the intended shape of our bodies.

For example, I used to be obsessed with model-type thighs. And then one day, it hit me. Those thin, “leggy” model-type thighs are not a part of my body shape. No matter how much I exercise or how little I eat, my body will never go there.

And it was through this realization that I began paying attention to all types of bodies—smaller bodies, bigger bodies, in-between bodies—and I found that there are no better types of bodies; they’re just all bodies. And it’s how we treat them that matters.

So if you’re struggling here, I highly recommend unfollowing social media accounts that make you feel bad about your body. And, if you haven’t, find a place to move your body where you feel comfortable and accepted. Because if you don’t feel comfortable in your body or accepted, you won’t want to go there to exercise, and movement is such a huge part in connecting with your body in mind, soul, and spirit.

4. Connect and acknowledge your underlying fears.

Acknowledging and understanding your underlying fears when it comes to your body is so huge. Those fears hold answers. But so many times, we’re taught to simply brush them under the rug and try to fit in and look like everybody else.

But what if you allowed yourself to dig into your fears?

To understand what you’re actually worried about?

And then to dig deep and question if that fear is an actual truth or if it’s something that is truly just a fear?

For me, when I allowed myself to examine my body fears, I found that I was afraid of not being accepted, of not being the way a woman was supposed to look.

You see, as a little kid, I was always teased or left out because I was on the chunky side. I wasn’t one of the popular girls. When I realized that I could overexercise and undereat to become thinner, and that I looked more like how the girls in the magazines and the popular girls looked, that’s what I did.

My deep underlying fear was not being accepted; it actually wasn’t about my body size.

I internalized this and then realized that the key people in my life didn’t care about my body size (in fact, they were concerned by my shrinking size and misery). Rather, they cared about who I was as a human being.

In other words, they accepted me for what was beneath my skin.

So my fear that if I weren’t a certain size, I wouldn’t be accepted was just that—it was a fear. There wasn’t truth behind it.

Wrapping my mind around this was revolutionary (and it still is).

You can begin to connect and break through your fears too by first playing with the idea that you may have body fears. And then get curious and see what comes up for you. If fears come up, examine them and allow yourself time to question if they’re true or just a fear.

5. Focus on actions that make you feel good in your skin.

Releasing the need to lose weight or look a certain way and instead focusing on doing things that make you feel confident and good in your body is a game-changer. When you do this, your body will come to its natural state of being, no question.

And trust me, I know this is so much harder than it sounds, but by really showing up and experimenting in your life and then keeping what works well for you and leaving behind what doesn’t, you will naturally like your body more.

Simply because you’ll feel more “at home” in it.

For example, when I first started down my body acceptance path, I realized I actually really disliked spending two hours a day in the gym. It made me feel worse about my body. So I experimented with walking and strength training and discovered I loved it.

Later, I’d discover yoga and go on to become a yoga teacher.

Yoga, during my body hate days, was something I said I’d never ever do.

Today, I love it.

You never know what you’ll find when you let go of the outcome and follow what feels right.

I also discovered that I actually loved cooking healthy, nutritious meals with lots of veggies and tasty food. Before, I only allowed myself bars and wraps where I knew the exact calorie amount.

You see, when I started truly allowing myself to let go and to experiment with enjoying food, moving my body in ways that felt good, and talking to myself kindly and coming at my body with gratitude instead of hate, something miraculous happened.

I learned how to not only accept but my body, but to like my body.

And I know that when you focus on actions that make you feel confident in your body, you’ll begin to like your body more too.

August 8, 2017
How to Boost Your Self-Worth: 7 Tips to Feel Better About Yourself

“The more we see ourselves as a vibrant, successful, inspiring person who boldly declares and manifests her vision, the more we become just that.” ~Kristi Bowman

I was kind of a chunky kid growing up.

In my own little world of trolls and playwriting, I didn’t notice the chunk. I genuinely liked me. But when I entered the “real world” of opinions, people, and comparison, I began to realize or rather feel that perhaps my body wasn’t good enough.

This thought was like a seed that was then planted in my brain. And every time I thought about it, I watered it. Soon enough, that seed sprouted and feelings of not being enough were just a part of who I was.

I was really good at disguising those thoughts, though. Most in my circle had no idea of how I really felt.

To be brutally honest, I didn’t even know how I really felt until an event that happened (years later) shined so much light on my deep-rooted feelings of not being enough that I could no longer not acknowledge my feelings. At this point, I fully acknowledged that I had some serious work to do.

The beginning of the event (you’ll see why I say beginning shortly) was with a boy. I was in my twenties. We were newly dating. We had just come back to his place after a nice dinner. We kissed. We decided to change and put on some comfy clothes to watch a movie.

While I was changing, a funny, unpleased look washed over his face, and he told me that he was surprised my stomach wasn’t really that flat. That I had somewhat of a “muffin top.”

I stood there, pulling my shirt over my head, stunned. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

After the movie, I left, covered in shame. I felt confused, embarrassed, and alone. Despite all of that, I continued to still see him until he inevitably dumped me a few weeks later.

The real event was my reflection after this relationship ended, when I realized I felt so poorly about myself that I continued to stay with someone who made me feel deep shame. More importantly, I realized that he was just echoing and reflecting back my own feelings of not being good enough.

It was in this moment that I decided I was, in fact, enough, and that things were going to change.

Here’s what I did to begin to boost my self-worth and how you can begin to recognize your own worth too.

1. Pretend you are your own best friend.

Simply start to notice what you’re saying to yourself. You may be taken aback by how often you’re saying unkind things to yourself (I know I was), but know that it’s totally normal and part of the process. Allow yourself to observe the thoughts that come up and not judge yourself for having them.

When you notice that you’re in this unkind space, ask yourself, “If this were a friend coming to me with these thoughts, my thoughts, what would I say to them?”

This question would always wake me up and radically change my self-talk. I could see how mean I was being to myself. I wouldn’t speak to any other human being like I spoke to myself, let alone a friend. You may find this is the same for you.

If this is difficult for you, it may be because you don’t think you deserve this level of kindness. First of all, you do. Second of all, you can combat this by choosing to focus on one thing you appreciate about yourself that day. Perhaps you appreciate that you decided to go on a walk even though you didn’t want to, or you were kind to your coworker, even though she was being unkind.

Reflecting and recalling things you appreciate about yourself isn’t always easy, but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes. And it’s in this space you’ll begin to see you deserve to be spoken to kindly, just like you would speak to a friend.

2. Surround yourself with people who bring you up.

I was notorious for saying yes when I really wanted to say no. Again, it all boiled down to not valuing my wants, my needs, or myself. The first time I said no (with grace), I was petrified. I was worried the other person would hate me.

Funny thing is, they didn’t hate me. They began to respect me more. And the more and more I declined outings, events, dates, work, and time with people who brought me down, the more I made room for the things in my life that made me shine, feel happy, and feel whole.

By feeling this way, I began to really fall in love with myself and appreciate the power I had to make myself feel grounded. I began to feel enough.

And it was during this time that I joined a local yoga studio, signed up for meditation classes, and started regularly hiking. Through these activities, not only did I find self-worth, and myself, but I also began to grow a beautiful support network of likeminded individuals who would eventually become friends.

You can do this too. Find and/or make time for activities that bring you joy, and know that a simple hello and a smile can go a long way.

3. Ask close friends or family members what they appreciate about you.

Sometimes (or a lot of the time) a kind word from someone we love and trust can go a long way. Their perspective can also help shed some light on qualities about ourselves we previously dismissed.

And when you have these words in writing, you can pull then out and reread them whenever you feel down.

The email I sent, and that you can send too, went something like this: “As one of the key people in my soul circle, would you mind telling me what you appreciate about me? I’d be so appreciative!”

Try it. Save their words. And reread them when you need them.

4. Get curious about why you’re triggered.

We get emotionally triggered for all sorts of things—words, actions, decisions, comments, and the list could go on.

When I got serious about feeling my worth, instead of getting angry with others, situations, or myself when I became emotionally triggered, I got curious and began asking myself what still needed to be healed. By doing this, I was able to really heal my wounds and understand myself better, so the next decision, action, person, or words I chose would lend to better, more loving choices.

For example, comments about how much or how little I would eat triggered me because I thought someone was judging my body.

This observation made me realize I had more healing to do around accepting my body and being grateful for it. So I began to write what I appreciated about my body every day in a journal. Slowly, over time, I came to fully love my body—cellulite, “muffin top,” and all.

You can do this too. The first step is simply becoming aware of when you’re emotionally triggered, leaning into the “why” behind it all, and seeing what still needs to be healed.

5. Focus on kindness and helping others.

Choosing to switch my focus from “What’s wrong with me?” to “How can I give back?” was immensely powerful.

What made me see and feel my worth was helping others—giving a compliment, holding open a door, calling my grandma, starting a random conversation with the woman bagging my groceries, helping an elderly gentleman who had fallen get back up, extending an ear, a hug, and a tissue for a girlfriend after her long hard day.

By giving back, even in tiny ways, I saw how much of an impact I had. I saw I mattered. I saw I had the power to create happier moments for others and literally turn frowns upside down. And when you see that you’re capable of this, you can’t not see that you are worthy and deserving of love, including your own.

You can try this too with as much as a simple genuine compliment.

6. Practice gratitude for who you are as a human being.

In today’s world, we’re so used to looking at things from the outside in. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to feel my worth based on my looks. Our looks fade. Our soul never does.

I knew this but didn’t know how to really feel it until I began making notes of why I appreciated and liked myself, on a soul-level. Not on the superficial level. For example, I began writing down things like, “I appreciate that I have such a deep capacity to feel.” This was such a simple, yet transforming exercise.

You can begin to create this practice too. Every morning or evening (whatever feels best to you), in a journal, bullet-point a few things that you appreciate about your soul self that are unique to your last twenty-four hours.

For example, if you encountered a rough situation at work and you were kind regardless, you could write “I appreciate I acted with grace and gentleness at the office today in an uncomfortable situation.” Or, you could write, “I appreciate my grace and gentleness.”

The point is that your gratitude focus here is inward. You’re appreciating the qualities that make you uniquely and beautifully you. And you’re showing up daily to shine some light on them. And yes, know this may feel odd at first, but over time, it becomes easier, and naturally this appreciation of who you are positively changes your self-worth.

7. Realize everyone has their own struggles.

I had always known everyone had their own struggles, but I hadn’t fully internalized it. When I began creating a new tribe of souls who appreciated me, lifted me up, and who made me feel safe, I was able to talk about some of my struggles with loving myself and feeling worthy.

When I did this, others began to open up about their own struggles with self-worth. This made me feel less alone, and ironically, made my self-worth soar through the roof because by simply being open, I was able to help others move through their own self-worth struggles.

Here, I saw that I wasn’t alone and that I had more power than I thought. You do too.

April 13, 2017
How to Rise Above Negative Comments About Your Body & What You Eat

“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now … with its aches and its pleasures … is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” ~Pema Chodron

I took a photograph with my mom last night. She sighed when she saw the photo, saying she looked “so big.” My heart sank.

A few weeks ago, I was picking up sushi from the local supermarket with her, and she looked down at the to-go pack I was picking up and asked, “You’re really going to eat that? It has so many carbs.” Again, my heart sank.

These two little scenarios shed light light on why I had so many body image and food issues growing up as a kid. If your mom, your main symbol of how a female “should” be, is consumed with calorie counting and her weight, you’re going to have some degree of that too, at least in my experience.

More importantly, these scenarios showed me how far I’ve come. Because these things didn’t trigger me. Instead, they empowered me. Words like this now slide right off of me because of the strong relationship I now have with my body and food.

As much as I don’t want to admit this, talk like this used to infuriate me. I’d feel like part of my soul was burning up inside.

Now, I accept that that is how my mom is. Calorie counting works for her. It’s not my job to change that or her. It’s my job to practice acceptance and to choose to recognize that comments about weight and body image are coming from a place of insecurity within her, not me.

That being said, how do you deal with people who make comments about your food, your body, or your choices on what you eat? While there are no black and white, clear cut, yes and no rules, there are some things to remember and tools you can use to help you stay grounded, centered, and most importantly, calm.

I’ve discovered the more you do this work, the easier it becomes. Like all good things that last, it takes practice and dedication.

Here are eight ways to rise above negative comments about your body and food.

1. Don’t take things personally.

We constantly need to remind ourselves of this, because when people make comments about us (in even the slightest negative context), it’s hard to not take them personally. But know that their comments about you show more about them.

People who are truly happy with themselves (or the area of life they’re commenting on) don’t try to bring others down. Instead, truly happy people do the exact opposite—they’ll try to lift you up.

People who are happy with themselves aren’t jealous or worried that there will be less for them, and they don’t make hurtful comments. No. Truly happy people are present and there for you, rooting you on. If they’re not, it’s a sign that your action, statement, thought, feeling, belief, or appearance, triggered a wound within them that needs some healing.

2. Use people as a mirror.

In that same context, watch when you get triggered. Triggers are strong emotional reactions to people, words, and situations. When someone’s words trigger you, don’t beat yourself up for reacting. Instead, use the person as a mirror for yourself and allow yourself to look within and investigate why you were triggered.

If you do this when people make negative comments about your body or food, you’ll take the anger and emphasis off of them and put the focus back onto the only person’s reaction you can control—your own.

This is what will further your personal development and self-love journey more than anything else. Even if you come up with no answers here, simply digging deep and exploring these emotions will allow you to expand your perspective. And it will provide insights on why you feel how you feel and what changes you need to make in your life, propelling you forward.

3. Express how you feel.

In all honesty, we can’t get upset with someone until we voice our feelings and tell them that what they’re doing or saying is upsetting us. Once you do this, it’s important to set boundaries (more on this below).

There are so many times when people think their comments about your body, your diet, or your food choices are “helpful,” “inspiring,” or they’re just “trying to tell you what worked for them.” Whether or not something is helping in your journey, is your decision, not theirs. Let them know.

4. Set boundaries.

We teach people how to treat us. So if you never tell your friends, family members, or partner that commenting about your body or food in a certain way isn’t acceptable, they might continue to do it. Stand up for yourself. Often, what we think people should know, or people should be able to tell, they can’t. Tell them and teach them how to talk to you.

An example: “When you’re always making comments on my weight I feel like I’m not good enough and that you don’t actually want me in your life. Can you please no longer bring it up unless I do?”

Notice that you’re stating the action that bothers you, stating how it makes you feel, and then asking for what you need.

If you begin to speak your truth and notice things aren’t changing, set boundaries with your time and how and with whom you spend it. You should spend time with people who generally make you feel good and who push you to grow in a positive way. If not, it’s time to reevaluate. And know that that’s okay!

Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Usually, once the growth period is over in any relationship, it’s time to move on.

5. Have a grounding practice.

When you begin speaking up for yourself it’s easy to get overwhelmed. So it’s important to find an activity that works for you that makes you feel calm, connected with yourself, and peaceful.

There are many ways to do this: hiking, journaling, walking, meditating, painting, reading, exercising, singing, writing, deep breathing. The trick is to find what works for you, and once you do, to use it to bring you back to center when the chatter from others becomes too much.

6. Reflect on your progress.

If you’re receiving negative comments about your body, food, or weight, it’s hard to recognize all the good you’re doing. As human beings, especially sensitive ones, it’s super easy for us to reflect on everything we’re not and to let the negative talk (others and our own) consume us.

Rise above this by making the time to reflect on your progress, how far you’ve come, and the amazing work that you’re doing right now to move forward along your journey.

Keep a notebook and every day, write down three things about yourself or your choices that you’re proud of. Try it. It’s a serious life-changer. It’ll help you refocus your energy on the good.

7. Practice radical acceptance (and don’t wait on the apology).

This one is hard, but possibly the most rewarding. When you begin to not take others’ comments personally and accept them as who they are, it will change your world.

You’re not trying to change them. You’re not trying to get them to see things a different way (this can be exhausting, especially when someone isn’t ready). You’re not trying to get them to apologize. Instead, you see them as who they are—working (or not working) through their own stuff—and you accept that.

This may translate into you seeing them less, setting more boundaries, or expressing how you feel in a loving way. But at the end of the day, you see them, you accept where they’re at, and you choose your actions accordingly.

8. Don’t wait on your weight, regardless, of what anyone says.

For years I thought I wasn’t lovable or good enough unless I looked a certain way. This couldn’t be more wrong. Don’t you wait on your weight to do the things you want to do too! That chatter inside your mind is only your fear holding you back. And part of that fear of not feeling good enough comes from others who don’t feel good enough themselves.

I’ve found it’s never really our bodies that hold us back; it’s our fear. Move through the fear and do “the thing” anyway. When you do this, what you find may very well surprise you—you’ll begin to break through your own body jail you’ve put yourself in and start living your life.

And at the end of the day, your body is here to help you live the life you really want. Use your body to do what it’s intended to do—to help you live. And along the way, take care and speak kindly to it. Your body deserves that.

November 9, 2016
The Surprising Secret to Loving Your Body and Yourself

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

Years ago, I had this friend. She was gorgeous and fit—and she ate whatever she wanted. A burger with the bread. A burrito, if she wanted it. She even ate (gasp!) pizza whenever she felt like it.

I was in awe.

How did she do it?

How was this possible?

What was her secret?

You see, I never allowed myself any of those things. I used to think that being happy and feeling good in your body directly correlated with the latest fad diet, exercise class, or cellulite-busting cream.

The fact that my girlfriend never thought twice about any of these things and still looked amazing and was way happier than me confused me.

I (obviously) had this whole thing wrong.

Slowly, as I began to do more personal work and studied nutrition and how confident, healthy, happy people viewed their relationship with their body and food, I had a huge aha moment.

The real secret to loving your body (and yourself) had nothing to do with diets, cleanses, or detoxes. It had everything to do with the way you think. More specifically, how you think.

Confused?

Hang with me.

You see, most of us judge ourselves, and we judge ourselves harshly.

Judgment, especially of ourselves, gets us nowhere fast. Instead, it usually gets us in a pretty bad place.

You judge that you’ve already had a crappy food day, so what does it really matter if you have more chips, ice cream, or a couple more slices of pizza?

You judge that you can’t change, you’ve tried dieting and losing weight for years, so why even try again?

You judge that your body is so awful it’ll never change, so it must be hated.

And then you go around discussing with your friends how you so need to lose weight and how you’re going on a diet tomorrow—or you’ll never be able to get that partner, that job, or heck, even that friend—because you’re not attractive enough, thin enough, cool enough you’re just not enough.

Ever had any of these thoughts? I have

And you want to know something?

They lead you nowhere. They keep you stuck. Because you’re judging yourself so severely that it’s too hard to focus on what it is you actually need to do to move forward. Not to mention you’re setting yourself up to fulfill a prophecy.

Think about it.

Could you imagine, if you told a child, “You’re never going to succeed in school. You just won’t. You’re not smart enough or driven enough.”

Do you then know what that child is going to think and do?

They’re going to think they’re not smart enough. They’re going to not try. If they’re repeatedly told they can’t do it, they’re going to think what’s the point in trying?

This is the same thing that happens to us!

If we constantly walk around, judging ourselves for everything we’re not or our failures, and we tell ourselves this over and over and over again, guess what? We’re pretty gosh-darn likely to fulfill the expectations that we’ve set for ourselves.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

It’s when, and only when, you realize you’re judging and choose to see things differently that you’ll be able to see change. Pull your thoughts back, quiet the mind, and most importantly, switch to a mindset of observation.

Because if you want outer change (that lasts), there’s no other way to do it without inner change.

So how do you start observing instead of judging yourself?

1. Tune in to your thoughts.

The very first piece of this is you’ve got to start tuning in and paying attention to your thoughts. This will have you living a much more conscious and awake life, and when you’re in this place you’ll automatically start to make better choices for yourself.

2. See how often you judge yourself.

Again, we can’t change something we’re not aware of. So start paying attention to how often you’re unkind to yourself and judging yourself. If you wouldn’t talk to your parent, child, brother or sister, cousin, friend, or even a stranger the way you talk to yourself, then you know something has got to change.

3. Reframe from a place of observation.

When you feel ready, start to reframe your thoughts. Remove the judgment piece. Observe the facts of a situation. Pull lessons for next time. Choose growth.

For example:

Instead of judgment mode:

I totally overate today. I’m so gross. Everyone was right. I can’t do this! What was I thinking? Why is it so easy for everyone except me? There must be something seriously wrong with me. I’m a failure. I don’t even know why I try. I’m going to finish this bag of chips. It doesn’t matter anyways.

Choose observation mode:

Yikes. I really didn’t eat well today. I don’t feel good about that. How did that happen? I think it’s because I skipped breakfast and didn’t pack my lunch and went too long without eating. Next time I’ll prepare better. At least I’m aware. Even though today wasn’t great, I’m going to make myself a nice healthy dinner tonight. It’ll make me feel good.

4. Dig deep.

Once you’re aware of how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and/or observations, start to ask yourself the tough questions:

How did that make me feel?

What did I appreciate about it?

What’s my biggest takeaway?

You’ll notice that some of this was done in point #3 above.

5. Start doing.

And then, when you’re really ready, you start doing. You start pulling from your answers in step #4, and you put them into action. This is where the real (life-changing) transformative fun begins to happen.

Remember my gorgeous fit friend in the beginning of the story?

She lived her life by observing. She observed when she was hungry versus full, and she ate when she was hungry and stopped when she was full.

She knew what people made her feel good versus bad, so she surrounded herself more with the people who lit her up inside. She was conscious enough to know when she was being unkind to herself, so could pull herself out of it.

You can do all of this too plus some, and it’ll change your life. It changed mine.

Because when you stop judging yourself, you allow yourself to connect with your true loving self. Not the you living in fear. And it’s here, that you’re aware and awake enough to make the best decisions for where you want to go in your wellness journey.

Changing your perception from judgmental to observational truly grants you the chance to grow into your best healthiest happiest self. You’re able to look inside yourself and have deep realizations about what you need to feel good in your body and to love yourself. That alone is significant. Keep going.

Love your body image via Shutterstock

October 1, 2015
Why Losing Weight Might Not Make You Happy (and What Will)

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” ~Kim McMillen

Sometimes people ask us questions that change our lives, questions that require us to dig down deep and think about what’s really important. Questions that push the envelope and show us that maybe the direction we’re going in isn’t the one we want.

My cousin, unknowingly, asked me one of those questions over ten years ago:

“Well, this is what you always wanted. Are you happy now?”

I was stunned. It had been such a long time since anyone had ever asked me that. But, much more than that, I was embarrassed that she recognized that “this” is what I always wanted.

How vain. How trite. How trivial when it came to life as a whole.

I answered, with a feeling of shame, “Um, yeah, I guess so.”

And then we walked back upstairs to join the rest of the dinner party.

I later recognized that, no, I was not happy now that I had “this.” “This” was my weight. I was the smallest I’d ever been.

I was at a healthy weight before, but it wasn’t enough for me to feel good enough.

I despised my thick thighs, longed for a leaner tummy, and wished my back fat would just disappear already.

And now here I was, where I thought I wanted to be, and I couldn’t be more miserable.

I was shocked. How could this be?

I’d envisioned feeling so much differently at this weight. Happy. Healthy. Vibrant.

I’d have a new kick to my step, be the life of the party, and radiate happiness.

Instead, I was lethargic, grumpy, constipated, and a sense of sadness kept me from ever feeling like me. And trust me, when you can’t feel like your true you, it’s impossible to reflect bounds of happiness and joy.

When I realized that I was now “here” and more miserable than ever, it was a turning point. Don’t get me wrong, it was a long slow turn I was going to need to make, but I knew it would be a game-changing one.

Part of making that turn was recognizing that the number on the scale was never my problem. My problem was that I never felt like I was good enough.

I thought if I looked a certain way and was thinner, I’d automatically be happier, have more friends, find a loving partner, and be liked more.

Bottom line: my struggles with body image, food rules, and my weight were symptoms of me not feeling like I was good enough—not actually food.

So, I started to address an issue that no diet, food program, meal plan, or fitness routine ever really does: self-love.

I wasn’t an overnight success story. It took time. And in all honesty, I didn’t even know if I was capable of doing it. (I was.)

All I knew was that I was ready for my pain to incite change and to grow into a healthier, happier human in body, mind, soul, and spirit.

Here are some things I learned along my self-love journey that may help you too.

Being kind to yourself may feel foreign at first.

Speaking kindly to yourself, appreciating the good in yourself, and treating yourself as you would treat a close friend may seem odd at first. Know that this is normal. Just keep it up and soon it won’t seem so foreign.

And in all honesty, when you start to do this (and realize how unkind you’ve been to yourself), it won’t be too surprising why you’ve been having a hard time making the next step.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t move along in your journey when your star player is constantly doubting, bullying, and sabotaging him or herself. Be kind to yourself.

You have to forgive yourself.

If you’re a sensitive soul, like me, you don’t forgive yourself easily. If the same thing happened to a friend, you’d forgive them in a heartbeat, but yourself, no way.

When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.

Forgive yourself, just as you would a friend, for the things you’ve been holding on to.

Let them go so you can move forward without that baggage and live in the light. Write a forgiveness letter to yourself and then burn it, mediate, use mantras, or journal—whatever helps you forgive and let go.

Until you accept yourself, you’ll keep searching for happiness elsewhere.

The simple realization that happiness is an inside job is transformative. It’s freeing, really.

It makes you think about what’s really important to you, what makes you come alive, and what you want more of in your life. You’ll discover it’s not your weight, hair color, or how much money you make.

When you uncover these questions and discover that self-love and acceptance are the keys to living a life of love, you’ll be consumed with joy.

You see, a lot of us wait until we get “there” to start doing what we really want to do. But, what if you started doing things because you knew that’s what lit up your soul in the now? I bet you’d get “there” that much faster.

You can change your script.

Remember that at any point, you can change the script of your life. Your past doesn’t define you and neither does your undetermined future. The only thing that matters is now, so make your now one that empowers, strengthens, and fills you with love.

You have to give love to feel love.

Smile at others. Give compliments. Express gratitude. You want more love? Then show it. The Universe will throw back at us what we give out, so give good. Give love. And open your heart to the tiny miracles that happen daily around you with thanks.

When we’re filled with love and gratitude, we make more loving and gracious choices for our bodies, others, and ourselves—and that’s the real food for a journey of self-love.

Love yourself image via Shutterstock

April 6, 2015