Tiny Buddha

Author: Chris Wilson

  • Feeling Stuck? Maybe You Don’t Need to ‘Fix’ It Right Now

    Feeling Stuck? Maybe You Don’t Need to ‘Fix’ It Right Now

    “Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” ~N. R. Narayana Murthy

    Anyone who had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid remembers that moment when you and a friend would test the limits of what good ol’ Armstrong could handle. You’d each grab an arm and slowly walk backward, waiting for that pivotal moment when either your strength would give out or Armstrong’s limbs would tear apart like a medieval torture device.

    If you reached your strength limit, an older sibling would eagerly join in—nothing brought them more joy than watching your excitement dissolve into tears as Armstrong’s newly limbless body crossed the point of no return.

    Why do we get stuck? We fail to define stuckness for what it is.

    Feeling stuck does not mean your feet are superglued to the floor.

    Being stuck is an active state that pulls you in opposite directions—just like Armstrong. One part says, “Don’t give up,” while another says, “This isn’t working.” No wonder it’s impossible to move forward. But what if, just for a moment, you didn’t have to choose?

    What if you could just be with this stuckness without needing to solve it right now?

    Maybe even acknowledging it, like, “I’m stuck, and it makes total sense considering all the shit going on in my life.”

    I’m currently dealing with existential angst about my career. While there are so many advantages to working for yourself—no one telling you where to be or what to do and having freedom over your time—the downside is flipping that world upside down: with no one checking in, it’s painfully isolating. There’s no one to lean into or pick up the slack on hard days, and there’s no sense that you’re working toward a common goal. You own everything.

    Warren Buffett’s right-hand man, Charlie Munger, famously stated, “Life is all about making wise choices and dealing with trade-offs. In business and elsewhere, I’ve yet to see a good example of something that’s totally free—there’s always a catch, always a cost.”

    Being happy does not come from avoiding trade-offs but from being clear-eyed about which ones you’re willing to accept.

    This is where I’m stuck. I’m not sure those trade-offs are worth it anymore. After eight-plus years of working solo, I’m hearing the siren call of a life I long for, being a part of a cause bigger than myself.

    But how do you distinguish between times when you should sit with uncertainty and times when you need to take decisive action and stop overthinking?

    Powerful question, eh?

    There’s a real balance between giving something space and taking action; it can be hard to know what is needed.

    This is the clarity that awareness can give us.

    It’s an opportunity to notice the energy behind your desire to act.

    Does action feel like it’s coming from urgency, fear, or the need to escape discomfort?

    That’s a damn good sign action is not the answer.

    Or do you have a sense of clarity, even if it’s not total certainty?

    If the action feels like relief rather than running, that might be a sign it’s time to move.

    When you think about taking action right now, does it feel like relief and alignment? Or does it feel more like panic and pressure?

    I don’t have clarity. I don’t know what I want. I’m flooded with emotions.

    My energy is pulsing with urgency, fear, and a need to escape the discomfort.

    What does that tell me? I’m trying to make a decision from a place that’s not grounded.

    That doesn’t mean I won’t take action—it just means my system needs more space, so I’m not making decisions from a place of fear.

    In a culture that sees action as the only solution, it’s easy to be swept away by thinking movement is how we solve stuckness, but this comes back to failing to see it for what it is: You’re being pulled in opposite directions.

    The faster you race toward answers, the more answers race away.

    I’m no further ahead than you on this adventure. Life is unfolding for both of us, one day at a time.

    Know that I see you.

    Instead of taking action, would it feel supportive to take a small step toward grounding?

    Maybe a deep breath, placing a hand on your heart, or even reminding yourself, “I don’t have to figure this all out right now.”

    Would it feel okay to just acknowledge that for a moment? Letting all parts of you know, “I see the pain, I see the urgency, and I’m not ignoring you. I just want to move from a place of clarity, not fear.”

    You don’t have to rush—just allow yourself to settle before deciding what’s next.

    How does that feel?

    Finding that starting point—where you feel grounded instead of just reacting—is everything.

  • Daring to Fail: Uncovering the Hidden Strengths in Our Struggles

    Daring to Fail: Uncovering the Hidden Strengths in Our Struggles

    “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” ~Robert F. Kennedy

    How do you define failure?

    When something doesn’t go as planned?

    When someone tells you they don’t like what you’ve made?

    When an outcome doesn’t match your expectations?

    I find it increasingly important to define failure. Which seems like a weird thing to do because we’re all trying to avoid it. Even talking about failure feels like it has the power to bring about failure.

    No one wants to be labelled a failure. And it’s because of that underlying fear that we end up stuck, miserable, and afraid of the very actions that will release us from that doubt.

    Here’s a glimpse into a story I often find myself repeating. I come up with an idea, I get feedback, and I start building. I’m acting from a place of creative excitement where my juices are flowing. I’m swept away by the belief that this idea could change the trajectory of my life.

    And then… the outcome doesn’t match my expectations. It doesn’t reach as many people as I thought it would. Or it isn’t as profitable as I thought it might be.

    It bloody guts me.

    I grasp what I think is the issue. I ruminate on what should have been. I get pissed off because it feels like I’m back at ground zero.

    Am I doomed for failure?

    That depends on the choice I make next.

    Do I give up?

    Then you best believe I’m a failure.

    Because the life we want reveals itself by taking another step forward.

    As Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

    You’ve heard of the Fortune 500, right? It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot, especially in business circles.

    The Fortune 500, an annual leaderboard published by Fortune magazine, ranks the 500 most revenue-generating companies in the United States. It’s a snapshot of business success. Yet, a glance from 1955 to 2019 reveals only 10.4% of companies remained on the list.

    This stark turnover underscores a crucial lesson: Success is fleeting without continual adaptation.

    And therein lies peace of mind.

    The point isn’t to climb the peak and stay there. These places that feel like destinations are nothing more than sandcastles, eventually washing away with the tide.

    The point is to use what you’ve learned and apply it to your next adventure.

    So how do we decide which direction to take after a “failure”?

    How can we know which choice will lead us to the best possible version of our lives?

    Failure = feedback.

    We can only tell where something is in relation to something else.

    Putting in the effort means we have something to compare and contrast it to.

    There’s a tendency to focus on what the tiny sliver of companies did to succeed, but far more can be gleaned from what the majority didn’t do and why they disappeared.

    What did they stop doing?

    What did they foolishly ignore because they wanted to be right?

    Why did they stop asking questions?

    Why couldn’t they see their blind spots?

    Whether it’s a failing business, someone who has plateaued with their health goals, or a parent who can’t connect with their teenager, they all share one commonality that led to their failure: They stopped seeking feedback.

    Meaning they no longer put in effort. The one and only action that gives us clarity.

    I remind myself of this when I’m hyper-focused on the outcome. I feel like a helpless failure because I’m ignoring the actions that will change the outcome: the inputs.

    Thomas J. Watson, a former chairman and CEO of IBM, identified fear of failure as the reason we don’t experience momentum in our lives: “Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all. You can be discouraged by failure, or you can learn from it, so go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that’s where you will find success.”

    Don’t like the taste of your spaghetti bolognese sauce (the outcome)? Change the ingredients (the inputs).

    Here’s the lesson I’m still learning: This takes time. The most effective way to change the outcome is by changing one input at a time. If I switch out all the ingredients at once, I’m back to playing a guessing game.

    But if I try San Marzano tomatoes instead of diced tomatoes? Oh, hot damn. We’re cooking up something delicious, and now I understand what brings me one step closer to the outcome I want.

    In the context of my creative pursuits, instead of discarding a project, I engage in more discussions to understand what isn’t working. I ask: Have I offered a valuable solution to a widespread problem? Have I demonstrated how my solution works? Then, did I adjust the project and clearly convey the changes to those who provided feedback? This keeps me on track without guesswork, acknowledging that the first iteration, untested, often fails.

    It feels a hell of a lot less daunting to approach failure like an experiment.

    Transform failure into a laboratory. Each misstep is an experiment, a finding. Adjust one input at a time, observe the change, and inch closer to your desired outcome. This week, change one ingredient in your strategy, whether at work, in relationships, or in personal goals. Observe, learn, iterate.

    Life is a constant iteration, a series of experiments where failure morphs into feedback, driving us closer to the life we envision. Remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is a step boldly taken toward your dreams.

  • How Admitting Your Weaknesses Could Actually Make You Stronger

    How Admitting Your Weaknesses Could Actually Make You Stronger

    “The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” ~Nathaniel Branden

    Do me a favor and don’t tell my wife what I’m about to share with you.

    I have an absurd number of weaknesses.

    Just kidding. My wife, of course, knows this. She is well aware of my many shortcomings. While she would be happy to add to the growing Encyclopedia of dumb shit I do, I will keep this short and sweet out of respect for your time.

    We live in a weird culture that’s afraid to admit any of us have weaknesses or struggles. We’re terrified because none of us want to look stupid or unqualified.

    We pretend to be squeaky-clean specimens of perfection, but inside, our minds are on the verge of exploding as we obsess over questions like: What will people think of me? Will they think I’m dumb? Will I be passed up for a promotion? Will others discover that I’m struggling? Am I actually a fraud?!

    What makes this even more challenging is that it’s a silly game we all willingly play.

    Think of a typical job interview.

    HR: “So, Terry, we’re really impressed with everything you shared today, but we have one final question. What would you say is your biggest weakness?”

    Terry: “This one’s really hard to admit, but it’s got to be that I work too hard. I’m always willing to go above and beyond to get the job done.”

    HR: “Wow, thank you for being so vulnerable, Terry. You sound like you’d be a great fit for mentoring our new hires as they navigate the challenges of working in a fast-paced environment.”

    Here’s the truth: We both know Terry is full of crap. Like, c’mon, Terry, is that really your biggest weakness? That you work too hard? Are you sure it’s not that you’re an emotional black hole since your divorce, which is why your kids don’t talk to you?

    I’m aware that what I’m about to share sounds contradictory, but it’s true. Admitting you have weaknesses is a sign of strength, not weakness. You must know what you can do and what you can’t, your powers and limitations, your strengths and vulnerabilities, what’s in your control and what isn’t.

    There are obvious circumstances that make admitting our weaknesses easy. In fact, not realizing you are outside the scope of what you know in these situations makes you look about as bright as a jellyfish.

    Break your leg? You go to the emergency room.

    Car alternator blows? You go to a mechanic.

    Time to do your business taxes? You go to an accountant.

    But here’s where we all start to fall apart. What about when you’re depressed, hopeless, or emotionally drained, and you don’t know how to help yourself?

    What do most of us do in the above scenario?

    Sweet eff all.

    Actually, that’s not true. We double down on negative habits like drinking, eating, shopping, or mindlessly scrolling on our phones, hoping something will change our state.

    We’re not weak, right?

    We don’t have a problem, right?

    Who cares if we’re not addressing our emotions? There’s work to be done. I already don’t have time to get everything done, so why would I waste time on crap like this?

    It’s embarrassing to admit that I believed not addressing my weaknesses was a sign of strength.

    My depression only made me weak because I kept it hidden in the shadows—not because mental health struggles are signs of inherent weakness. I endured relentless suffering, tormented by the belief that I was a worthless bag of flesh who subjected my loved ones to my endless mistakes and would be better off dead.

    What was I trying to prove?

    Why was I so afraid of looking weak?

    Would I be less of a man?

    And here’s the irony. By asking those questions, I realized that I was the one labeling these weaknesses as such. That shift empowered me to confront these challenges head-on, seeking the support of a therapist and coach, and hold myself to a higher standard.

    I’ve discovered that these “weaknesses” are sources of extraordinary growth. Therefore, acknowledging our weaknesses is the key to becoming stronger.

    I was blind to the cost of my denial until I gained a different perspective. I needed a new pair of glasses to show me that how you do anything is how you do everything.

    When I viewed these moments as gravity problems—things I couldn’t do anything about—I felt hopeless about everything in my life. But when I realized that these were challenges that I could overcome, I was given the opportunity to see that I could conquer any obstacle in my path if I was willing to embrace imperfection.

    Don’t let the subtlety of this shift in thinking race past you as you read the rest of this story. Understand first that you and I are having this conversation because I chose life.

    If you don’t address a broken leg, you’re going to hobble around like a pirate for the rest of your life.

    If you don’t fix your alternator, you have a 3,000-pound paperweight.

    If you don’t get an accountant to handle your business taxes, you will pay dearly to the tax man.

    And if you don’t address your emotional issues?

    You will forever be anchored to a tiny, scared version of yourself. Never capable of reaching your potential.

    It’s not enough to know that you have weaknesses; you must know when you’ve reached the limit of what you can figure out independently. You’re outside your boundaries if you don’t know which side of the line you’re on, or if there even is a line at all.

    I’m not here to tell you what to do, but you can bet I will leave you with a question.

    Six months from now, what will you wish you had spent time on today? What action would help you get the support you need to overcome something you’ve been struggling with?

    Calling a friend?

    Grabbing breakfast with your mom?

    Booking a therapist appointment?

    That, my friend, is what matters most.

    And nothing else on your to-do list will fulfill you if you don’t prioritize it.

    Choosing not to act now is delaying a better future. So, whatever you’re going to do, do it. Do it now. Don’t wait.

  • How Your Worst Days Can Shape Your Best Self

    How Your Worst Days Can Shape Your Best Self

    “It is often those moments you feel least connected that you are actually making your greatest progress. The chaos around you is an invitation to pause, reflect, and grow. You are more than equipped to deal with this. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here.” ~Benjamin P Hardy

    It’s 1 a.m., and the silence is broken by a cough that can only be described as sounding like someone who has smoked two packs daily for the last thirty years. There’s no way to predict when I’ll be woken again, but if the past week is any indication, this won’t be the last.

    Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been dropped into the notoriously rigorous training program known as “Hell Week” that Navy SEAL candidates must endure. It’s a gruelling, continuous training exercise lasting several days with little to no sleep, intense physical challenges, and mental stress. Hell Week aims to test candidates’ physical and mental resilience and their ability to work effectively as a team under extreme conditions.

    Here’s the problem: My hell is a twenty-month-old with a nasty cough that she can’t shake. She’s obviously not torturing us on purpose, but it doesn’t make the experience any less exhausting.

    When I finally fall back asleep and am once again awakened by a foghorn for the sixth night in a row, the tears start welling up in my eyes, as I have no idea how the hell I’m going to make it through another day of calls and projects that are relying on me.

    Bipolar and sleep deprivation go together as well as a clown juggling chainsaws in a hurricane—a disaster waiting to happen, with a side of chaos and potential accidental amputations.

    So, if I’m going to be perfectly honest, and to borrow another military term, the team is experiencing a clusterf*ckunder these extreme conditions.

    How else would you describe the frustration and disorder that arises when things do not go according to plan?

    Our team is hanging on by a thread. The fights between my wife and I are wearing us down, the outbursts of anger are cringe-worthy, and the feeling that this will never end is causing enough friction to leave our skin raw.

    These are the moments when I catch myself being a victim of my life.

    Then I realize my expectations are out of whack. Things won’t always go smoothly, and sometimes I need to accept that I can’t do everything I’d like to accomplish, or do anything as well as I can when I’m at my best.

    These are not the moments to thrive.

    These are the moments to survive.

    It’s a reminder that life rarely goes according to plan.

    And that’s the whole point of Hell Week.

    Anyone can crush it on a good day, but how do you handle the inevitable hell you will face as a parent, someone who gets crippled by their mental health, or experiencing any number of painful challenges we all face?

    That question has improved my mental health, business success, and life quality more than anything else I’ve encountered in the last six years.

    Why?

    Because it changed my approach.

    Your choices on your toughest days shape your path more than those made on your brightest.

    When I struggled, I found that having an all-or-nothing approach rarely allowed me to progress on the essential things. Instead, it often felt like I was starting from scratch again. I would go off the deep end and find myself drowning in a negative thinking pattern, saying, “Of course I’m back here! Shit like this always happens when I’m making progress.”

    But as author James Clear said, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

    It taught me the importance of establishing a solid foundation and that sticking to a routine can provide stability and a sense of control (regardless of what’s happening around me).

    I am nothing without hydration, elevation, meditation, and contemplation.

    This can feel high-level when you’re starting out. Don’t overthink the “perfect” way to implement these power-ups.

    • I’ll crush another coffee 👉 I’ll drink a liter of water.
    • I’ll catch up on emails 👉 I’m taking the dog out for a walk and getting some sun.
    • I’ll get ahead on a few of my projects 👉 I’ll sit down and throw on a twenty-minute guided meditation.
    • I’ll watch a few lessons for a marketing course 👉 I’ll sit on the front porch and read something light and fun.

    These small trades can make a big difference to your physical and mental health when you’re struggling.

    It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in the world of self-growth and personal development. Especially when you’re shamed for not having a clear answer to questions like, “Wait, you don’t have a three-hour morning routine carved out to put yourself in a peak state of abundance?”

    I’m going to categorize that as a “nice to have.”

    It’s similar to my intention of cooking gourmet meals for my daughter every night, yet I often resort to buttered noodles and broccoli because they’re a crowd-pleaser.

    There’s substance, and I’m not adding to an already stressed-out day.

    Meaning she gets a better dad who is enjoyable to be around.

    Winning the day comes back to being far more intentional about what you can stick to on your day from hell than what you can accomplish on your dream day of sunshine, lollipops, and prepping Michelin star meals.

    In the midst of our personal Hell Weeks, it’s the small, intentional actions that become our lifeline. It’s not about mastering every challenge but about grounding ourselves in the routines and habits that offer solace and stability.

    So, when the nights seem endless and the challenges insurmountable, remember: your power lies in your tiny, consistent choices. Harness them and watch as they transform your toughest days into stepping stones toward a brighter tomorrow.

  • Why True Happiness Is Not Just About Reaching Your Goals

    Why True Happiness Is Not Just About Reaching Your Goals

    “Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you.” ~Michelle Obama

    Do you have goals? Why do you have these goals? What will change if you accomplish them?

    Will you be happy?

    Think about this for a second: You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

    Pause.

    Think about that again.

    You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

    Well, that’s a humbling reality check, isn’t it? So why aren’t you experiencing everlasting happiness and satisfaction?

    No matter the goal’s size, the reward level, or the amount of success achieved, it all passes in the blink of an eye.

    Wherever you go, there you are, my friend.

    Actress Emma Watson, known for her role in the Harry Potter series, said, “I’ve realized that the success I’ve been seeking is not the success I want. I’m no longer sure what my own ambitions are or what success even means.”

    Singer-songwriter Justin Bieber said, “I’m a person who has feelings and I’m sensitive. All these things that people think are wonderful, it’s like, I don’t even know what this means. I just want to be happy.”

    Entrepreneur and author Tim Ferriss said, “The 4-Hour Work Week was a runaway success, but it didn’t make me happy. In fact, it made me more stressed out and miserable than ever before. I realized that true happiness comes from doing work that you love, not from achieving external success.”

    In his autobiography Open, Tennis player Andre Agassi wrote about his realization after winning his first Wimbledon title: “I thought it would be the greatest moment of my life, but it wasn’t. I felt empty. Winning Wimbledon was just another step in the journey.”

    Musician John Mayer said, “I thought that if I had a hit record, I’d finally be happy. But then I had a hit record, and I was still the same guy with all the same problems. I had to learn that happiness comes from within, not from external achievements.”

    Every single one of these people struggled because their identity became tied to external validation.

    No longer were they pursuing their craft for the love and passion they once had; the unhealthy relationship with the goal made it an ugly means to an end that left them feeling directionless.

    If you want to remain happy, give yourself a process that creates enjoyment.

    It’s the progress we make toward the goal that makes us happy. It’s living up to our potential.

    It’s doing something that makes your life feel like it matters. It’s the decision to make something a priority in your life. This is the only thing that will change your life.

    There’s nothing you can buy or achieve that leads to everlasting happiness.

    Every job is a joke in comparison to raising a child. There’s not even a close second.

    Parenting cannot be mastered like a skill acquired by a mechanic because there is no set formula or blueprint for raising a child. Every child is unique, and the challenges and joys of parenting are constantly changing.

    Unlike a skill that can be honed through practice and experience, parenting requires adaptability, patience, and a deep understanding of each child’s individual needs and development. Every parent is navigating the journey of parenting without a definitive manual, learning and growing alongside their child.

    Put simply: Every parent is hanging on for dear life. You’re simply along for the ride.

    Yet, it’s given me the most joy I’ve ever had.

    And this is from a guy who once popped MDMA like they were candies from his grandma’s purse: there’s no delight more unspoiled than the cascade of dopamine that drenches your mind, a waterfall of ecstasy, tranquillity, and pleasure that quenches your thirst for happiness.

    But holy crap, the other side of that pill was a water slide straight into hell. The recreational use of ecstasy was my own means to an end. It left me hollow, nightmarishly depressed, and unwilling to cope because life felt black and white.

    Having a daughter brought color back into my life.

    I didn’t even want to be a dad until my mid-thirties. Mainly because I felt like a train wreck and, selfishly, I thought it would make me unhappy.

    Now I feel like every day has meaning. There is no end goal. There’s only the North Star of living up to my potential as a person and father. It feels like my life matters. I have a priority that’s bigger than myself.

    And it’s the sobering reminder that kids (and adults) don’t hear the words you say, they watch your actions.

    The shit you actually live and breathe.

    They see what you value by your behavior.

    When I decide to show up despite feeling depressed, I’m happy not because I’ve achieved something but because my action is a vote toward the person I want to become.

    That person, to me, is someone who doesn’t shy away from obstacles. That person sees value in being vulnerable. That person acts out of integrity because true alignment is the only thing that makes us happy. Why? Because that person takes action even when no one is watching. That person knows that happiness comes from within.

    Your journey might be riddled with self-doubt and past mistakes, but remember, happiness isn’t a destination; it’s found in our everyday choices and the actions we take.

    For starters, live by your values, every single day.

    Every morning, take a quiet moment to reflect on your core values as you sip your coffee or tea. Then, decide on one action you can take that day that mirrors those values. This isn’t about grand gestures but the simple, everyday decisions that sculpt the canvas of your life.

    Next, revel in the journey, not just the destination.

    Think of the celebrities and their revelations. It was never about the final accolade but the thrilling ride that got them there. It’s not the finish line that counts most, but the steps taken, the hurdles overcome, the growth experienced.

    So pick something you’re passionate about. Work at it, bit by bit, every day. Find joy in every small victory, every lesson learned. Relish the journey, not just the anticipation of the destination.

    Lastly, value relationships and personal growth over trophies.

    The most profound joys often bloom from genuine human connections and the growth we experience alongside them. Set aside some time each day, even if it’s just a few minutes, to connect deeply with a loved one, a friend, or even with yourself. The treasure lies not in the praises the world showers on you but in the smiles you share, the understanding you build, and the personal battles you conquer.

    It’s not just about achieving your goals; it’s about realizing your worth, showing up for yourself and the people you love, and recognizing that you and your choices matter.

  • Living Today Like Your Last: The Quest for Conscious Behavior

    Living Today Like Your Last: The Quest for Conscious Behavior

    “Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.”

    Once again, Dr. Seuss reminds us of the finite nature of life with a powerful punch in the face.

    If I’m being honest, only about a third of my week am I kicking ass. And that doesn’t factor in the weeks when I feel like I’m as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

    On days like this morning, when I’m doing dishes and get pissed off that my wife left a tea bag in her mug, again, it has clearly slipped my mind that this could be the behavior I’m remembered for.

    What a pathetic thing to be remembered for.

    What the hell kind of energy am I putting into the world on a day like today?

    I get it; we’re all entitled to feeling off, less than, and not at our best. But that’s sure as heck not an excuse to make other people miserable. My actions have consequences, and it’s on me to bring myself back into alignment.

    These moments require me to pop my tiny pity party bubble, recognize that my wife isn’t really the problem, and own that I’m feeling off. Awareness isn’t about feeling guilt and shame; it’s about being present in your actions. It doesn’t mean I have to love it, but it is what it is.

    If I can bring myself back into awareness, I have already overcome the biggest obstacle to making a change: recognizing that something is happening. I can stop projecting my emotions onto loved ones and complete strangers. By taking compassionate action, I can prevent today from turning into a dumpster fire.

    The compassionate part is critical here. I’m mindful that I need to be conscious of where I am (not where I wish I was).

    A great starting point is simply asking yourself, “What is the greatest expression of yourself that you can be today?”

    There are many days when my greatest expression is simply being kind to others. That’s all I have in my tank. And even that can feel like a struggle when my daughter wakes up at 5 a.m., and I know I have three or four coaching calls that require immense mental energy.

    So on those days, I have to ask myself: What are two behaviors I want to be conscious of today?

    I’m clearly agitated if I’m fidgety, anxious, and snapping at others. That’s one behavior that never leads to me being kind. The other behavior I remain conscious of is frustration because that’s a telltale sign I’m moving into a state of feeling overwhelmed, which almost always manifests as anger for me (if I don’t catch it).

    This isn’t a magic solution, but if it saves you from turning a bad day into a disaster of a day that ripples into your entire week, isn’t that pretty darn enchanting?

    By identifying two behaviors I can remain conscious of, I can remember how to think when faced with challenges. This gives me an anchor to come back to.

    Doing this makes us less likely to slip into unconscious patterns when challenged by certain circumstances.

    The key is to rehearse the change you want to make before it happens. It’s not a question of if you will be pushed to your wit’s end; it’s a matter of when and how you will deal with these emotions.

    How do you want to show up for other people today?

    Make a commitment to embody kindness, gratitude, love, and appreciation—even if your own version of a teabag sets you off for a bit. Just recognize what happened, forgive yourself, and come back to your intention.

    All of life is practice.

    I want to bring up these emotional states even when every ounce of my body wants to let out a blood-curdling scream.

    This is all part of the challenge, right?

    And at the end of the day, you’re going to ask yourself, “How did I do?”

    When did you go unconscious?

    Tomorrow morning is a new day to try again.

    Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.

    It’s the practice and repetition that causes the change.

    You got this.

  • Riding the Wave of Rage: How Mindfulness Became My Lifesaver

    Riding the Wave of Rage: How Mindfulness Became My Lifesaver

    “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything—anger, anxiety, or possessions—we cannot be free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    My anger has gotten the best of me more than I care to admit. I’ve smashed windows, broken chairs, had movie-worthy brawls on the beach, and said gut-wrenching stuff that has brought people I care about to tears.

    I grew up when mental health was not taken seriously, nor was it even on my radar. I just took my wild nature to mean I was screwed up and hopeless. And sadly, the thought of seeking support only brought up more anger. It felt like I was weak, pathetic, and a loser for being unable to sort my life out.

    So, without understanding why my emotions were such a rollercoaster (undiagnosed depression and type II  bipolar disorder), I didn’t know where else to turn except to my dear ole friend Sailor Jerry, the purveyor of fine spiced rum. Alcohol only fueled my emotional outbursts, exacerbating the problem.

    Knowing that kind of anger lived inside me brings on an emotional blubbering mess of a show. Because overcoming the guilt that came from identifying with those actions and feeling like that’s who I was as a man took years of therapy.

    It feels so different than the person I am now.

    I understood in therapy that it’s not my fault per se, but it is my responsibility to do something about it.

    Nothing has driven that lesson home more than being a dad.

    And if my daughter is anything like my wife and me, we got ourselves a wild child ready to test our limits.

    Living with Canadian winters means it’s inevitable that, at some point, you’ll lose control of your car. I once did a complete 360 on the highway on the way to work as I lost control on black ice. I didn’t think; I just acted based on what I learned in driving school.

    If you’re driving your car and it starts to skid, you go with the flow of your vehicle and move in the direction of the skid, not against it. That’s how you regain control, even if it seems counterintuitive.

    Anger is the black ice of emotions. You’re often thrown into a spiral of anger before you even have the chance to mindfully be aware that you’re losing control. That’s why I’ve found the practice of mindfulness and daily meditation life transforming.

    The anger never goes away because you never stop experiencing the emotions of life, but through the practice of mindfulness, you create space between the stimulus (my wife and I fighting, exhausted from a sleepless toddler, and businesses to run) and the response (thinking it’s time to end the marriage).

    You can choose to respond and act differently because you see the trigger for what it is for you.

    Think of it like a gigantic pause button that allows you to slip into Matrix mode. You see the stimulus, pause for presence, and respond with intention. My daughter is not purposely trying to throw our lives into chaos. My wife and I aren’t fighting because we no longer love each other. We’re dealing with the tornado nature of a toddler, running businesses, and being pushed to our limits.

    It’s better to respectfully and constructively communicate your feelings with your partner if you plan to stay married. I get it. Easier said than done, but we need to believe that we’re not inherently flawed and beyond help.

    My previous relationships all had their fair share of fights (stimulus), resulting in my doom spiralling into believing it was time to burn it all down (response). Without a pause between stimulus and response, the middle became a breeding ground for an unconscious poison cocktail of guilt, shame, and a need to escape the uncomfortable reality of what I was facing.

    Let’s be honest. I wasn’t making any effort to change. Repairing a relationship without tools is damn near impossible. Through therapy, I gained a deeper understanding of my emotional struggles and the root causes of my anger. Now, I have a fully stocked toolbelt that I feel comfortable using.

    And that’s where the power of mindfulness comes in. You learn to know and trust yourself well enough to tap into a greater energy around you, and you become calm in any situation. You see the black ice, grip the wheel, and control the situation by keeping yourself present with the stimulus.

    When faced with a challenge, do you possess the mental flexibility and self-awareness to remain centered and connected with that space between stimulus and response, and move forward in a way you can be proud of?

    Or do you struggle against challenges, only to give up because negative self-talk and conditioned thinking compel you to repeat the same destructive pattern, leaving you guilty and ashamed?

    I’m not saying I never get angry anymore. But I sure as hell try my best not to throw rocket fuel on the fire. Addressing the root of the problem—undiagnosed depression and type II bipolar disorder—helped me better understand how to cope with a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings that previously felt beyond my control.

    Life is a lot like being in a high-stress athletic event. The ability to react to another player’s actions without emotional triggers often makes the difference between making a wise or a poor decision and ultimately winning or losing the game.

    The only difference is that the game of life truly never ends. We will only lose if we stop improving and holding ourselves to a higher standard for how we show up in the world. Taking full responsibility for our lives can be terrifying, but it also creates a sense of personal freedom. This is because it allows us to take action toward becoming the people we know we’re capable of being.

    To thrive, you must mindfully choose to go with the flow of your emotions and drive toward anger, shame, and guilt, not away from them. You must sit with these feelings, pause to recognize how you’ve been triggered, and consciously choose a response you’ll feel good about. This way, you regain control of your life by releasing yourself from a pattern of actions that no longer serves you. Remember, practice makes progress.

  • Confronting Your Truth: The Life-Changing Benefits of Asking “Why?”

    Confronting Your Truth: The Life-Changing Benefits of Asking “Why?”

    “The most important conversations you’ll ever have are the ones you’ll have with yourself.” ~David Goggins

    Today I’m going to ask a question that will unlock a better life for you.

    You’re probably expecting something profound.

    You’re probably expecting something that will shake you to your core.

    You’re probably expecting something that you’ve never heard before.

    Don’t get me wrong, it can and will dramatically change your life, but you’ve definitely heard it before. Especially if you’ve been around a three-year-old.

    And did I mention it’s only one word?

    It’s the simple question of “Why?”

    It’s scary to ask why because often you don’t know the answer. And no one likes being in that position because who wants to look like a goofball?

    But it really doesn’t have to be a question we avoid. Do you see three-year-olds hung up on feeling like they don’t understand the world, so why bother? Of course not. They simply ask “Why?” and keep asking “Why?” until they’re satisfied with the answer.

    Kids ask the question because they’re curious and want to understand how the world works around them.

    Adults avoid the question because we don’t want to challenge what we know. What if we were wrong? What if our assumptions aren’t based on reality? We sure as hell don’t want to face the truth that will be revealed by looking into our motivations.

    When I ask myself “Why?”, it always takes me back to insecurities I’m wrestling with. Why am I so offended by my wife’s opinion when we get into a fight? Why am I so passionate that I’m “right”? What is it that I’m terrified of? It’s almost always something within me that I’m trying to run away from.

    Am I afraid that I’ll look weak?

    Am I acting out on shit I haven’t dealt with from childhood?

    My anger serves me at that moment because it keeps me safe. It’s a hell of a lot easier to act like a toddler than it is to ask, “Why am I so upset? Why am I reacting to this situation with such intensity?”

    It’s terrifying to confront our actions and question if they support our declared values and beliefs. Because we almost certainly know that we’re going to uncover that some of our actions aren’t in alignment.

    When I was younger, I believed being healthy was not just essential but foundational to my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I knew these things to be true. I understood that I had to move my body, eat real food, and align my life with my values to show up fully in my life.

    Yet if you looked at my actions throughout my twenties and early thirties, you would have seen a guy destroying bags of Doritos, partying weekly, and sleeping like garbage because he was forty pounds overweight.

    My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well was dry.

    It was too sobering for me to accept this reality, so it was easier to remain unaware of the truth for years.

    And because of that, my health was toxic. I popped a cocktail of five different pharmaceuticals before I could even muster up the energy to guzzle some coffee before work. I was fat, lazy, and full of excuses for why I spent the better part of my life depressed and hopeless about my future.

    I know that sounds harsh. But I share that through a lens of empathy. I feel for that guy. I cry, thinking about what that guy had to go through to fully embrace that he was and is worthy of love.

    But I also know the only reason he changed is that his toes were held to the fire.

    I chose to be vulnerable.

    I chose to seek help.

    I chose to take action.

    To me, asking “Why?” was the only way to ensure that my actions aligned with my values and beliefs.

    I had all the right answers about why health was important to me. But I had zero ownership of why my actions said the opposite.

    The first moment I accepted that truth felt like a Mike Tyson punch to the face. It brought me to my knees. It knocked a skull-rattling blow to my ego.

    I was not the person I was telling myself I was.

    Here’s why ownership is both terrifying and liberating: By asking “why,” I realized that I could have a better life, but achieving it depended on changes that only I could make. And that’s why I avoided taking responsibility—because it gave me an easy out.

    I didn’t have to admit that my actions were out of alignment with my beliefs because I was choosing to see my circumstances as being beyond my control. It was the first time in my life that I understood I was complicit in creating the conditions I said I didn’t want.

    What area of your life feels out of alignment with the person you want to be?

    But here’s the critical part when you ask that question: Be gentle with yourself as you unpack what comes up.

    No shame. No blame. It is what it is, my friend.

    But now you have a choice to decide how you want to proceed.

    Do you take ownership and put in the effort to improve? That’s on you.

    When you take the time to look within and take ownership of your actions, you can face the truth of your motivations and progress toward your goals.

    Asking “Why?” is like holding a skeleton key for all your problems. No matter what you’re facing, it unlocks what will help you break through the barriers that keep you stuck.

    How do you turn this insight into action?

    1. Acknowledge what’s driving your behavior, perhaps fear, insecurity, learned helplessness, or your childhood conditioning. Remind yourself that it is okay to ask why and that you don’t have to have all the answers immediately or even take action right away if you don’t feel ready to make a change.

    2. Take it one step at a time, and don’t overwhelm yourself. Start with the most pressing issues in your life and build your way up.

    3. Talk to someone you trust and ask for help. Share your fears and doubts; you might be surprised by how many people have faced similar issues. Having the support of someone who understands can help you to be more confident in facing the hard stuff you’re tempted to avoid.

    Once you understand yourself on a deeper level, all that’s left is to take action. Use the insights gained from asking “why” to make intentional changes in your life. Identify specific actions that align with your values and beliefs and commit to making them a regular part of your routine. Or make a list of current negative behaviors, along with anything that triggers them, and identify healthier choices for each.

    Remember to be patient and kind with yourself as you navigate these changes, and celebrate small successes along the way. You can become the person you want to be with persistence and dedication.

  • How to Show Up When Nothing About Your Life Is Perfect

    How to Show Up When Nothing About Your Life Is Perfect

    “I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect, and I loved you even more.” ~Angelita Lim

    I’m not a perfect parent. I’m not a perfect partner. I’m not in perfect health. I’m not a perfect friend. And I’m far from perfect with my finances.

    Hell, nothing about my life is perfect. And guess what? I’ll never be able to attain perfection in those areas. And I’m sorry to say it, but neither will you.

    Don’t be fooled by calling yourself a perfectionist. Perfection as a destination is what causes procrastination. And for most of us, it’s nothing more than an excuse to avoid putting in the work, because why try if we don’t have the skills to be perfect?

    Unfortunately, this belief that we can attain perfection is bullshit. It’s an idea adopted from the school system. Grades were meaningless because they had nothing to do with effort. They were a simple way of ticking boxes for the masses.

    Conversely, a meaningful life comes down to your effort when no one is watching.

    What did you do today? Did you show up? Did you make an effort to be a better parent, a better partner, be in better health, a better friend, and better your finances?

    No effort = No progress = No reward.

    We can’t put off living our lives hoping that someday these areas will magically be perfect.

    Yesterday is dead and gone. Tomorrow is nothing more than a dream. So focus on today.

    You’re living right now. This is your chance to be better.

    Want to be a better parent? Want to be a better partner? Want better health? Want to be a better friend? Want better finances?

    Start by putting your phone down and giving each area your undivided presence.

    Be with your kids. Be with your partner. Be with your health. Be with your friends. Be conscious with your money.

    Perfection is horribly discouraging because who the hell has time for their ideal two-hour morning routine? I sure as hell don’t. With a kid who isn’t in daycare, running a business, and paying bills, many days feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants.

    And that’s also why many of us fail to progress on what’s meaningful. If you get stuck in an all-or-nothing mentality, it almost always means you’re doing nothing.

    But suppose you did something radical and showed yourself empathy in these moments. In that case, you’ll change the entire trajectory of your life by simply showing up.

    Don’t have time to go to the gym? Don’t have time to do an at-home workout? Don’t have time to go for a walk? Don’t have time to do ten squats and a few pushups?

    Pick your kid up, throw on some Taylor Swift, and throw a dance party, you crazy fool.

    Change the scope of what you deem a win for the day.

    When you accept that perfection is impossible, you can get down to the actual work of making improvements because you’ve given yourself a way to show up every damn day.

    Every action you take (or don’t take) is a vote toward the person you’re becoming. Don’t discount the truth that small actions create colossal change.

    Think of a single vote: In a democracy, a single vote can be the deciding factor in an election, which can have significant consequences for the direction of a country.

    Think of a small spark: A small spark can ignite a large fire, which can have severe consequences for people and the environment.

    Think of a tiny seed: A tiny seed can grow into a large plant, providing food, oxygen, and habitat for various living things.

    Think of a simple idea: A simple idea can lead to development of a new technology or product that changes how people live and work.

    Think of a single word: One word or phrase can spark a movement, change public opinion, or inspire others to take action.

    Dedicate today to taking one small action on something that matters to you, even if it’s just five minutes and feels insignificant.

    This small, simple, single step you’ve been putting off could be the catalyst for the explosion that propels you forward and transforms your life (and the world) for the better.

    You got this.

    You deserve a better life.

  • What Carrots Are You Chasing, and Are They Worth the Sacrifice?

    What Carrots Are You Chasing, and Are They Worth the Sacrifice?

    “Not to arrive at a clear understanding of one’s own values is a tragic waste. You have missed the whole point of what life is for.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    I promise this essay isn’t an attempt to convince you that you’re living inside The Matrix. (Okay, maybe it is a bit.)

    But do you ever find that days, weeks, or even months have passed that you didn’t feel present for? I describe this odd sensation as feeling like you’re going through the motions like Bill Murray trapped in Groundhog Day.

    Every day bleeds into the next because you’re future-focused, and what you’re doing right now only feels valuable insofar as it’s laying the groundwork for something else; the next stage of your career, the renovation that means the house is “done,” a number in the bank account that means you’ll never have to worry about money again.

    I think it’s fair to say we both know this is total BS. We’ve climbed enough mountains in our lifetime to know that as soon as we get what we want, we’re already planning what’s next.

    The problem is not with the aim or the goal but with the belief that we can cross a finish line that will magically make these uncomfortable feelings disappear. In psychology, they call this the hedonic treadmill.

    You know that promotion that would change your life?

    You know that new kitchen you obsess over because it would make life much better?

    You know that extra cash that would mean all of life’s money troubles would disappear?

    Will they provide everlasting happiness?

    Doubtful.

    We can blame this on the hedonic treadmill.

    It’s in our human nature to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.

    Put another way: No matter what we do, buy, or hope will change our life permanently, it’s a short-lived shot of happiness injected into our life.

    I understand why people don’t want to believe this. Because it forces us to question why we’re working so damn hard to change things and to be present with what is right now.

    When I realized this, I began to reflect on what it meant for my life in a way I couldn’t when I was lost in the chase. Accepting that we have a baseline is liberating. Most of what we’re chasing is nothing more than stupid carnival prizes in a game we didn’t know we were playing.

    If the $40,000 kitchen renovation will give you a flash-in-the-pan taste of happiness, is it worth the years of your life you need to sacrifice to pay that off?

    Is it worth more hours in the office?

    Is it worth less time with your family?

    Is it worth the crippling stress?

    You have no control over the hedonic treadmill. Still, you can control how much of your life you’re willing to trade for a future that won’t make you any happier in the present.

    It’s a hard habit to break because, as philosopher Alan Watts explains:

    “Take education. What a hoax. As a child, you are sent to nursery school. In nursery school, they say you are getting ready to go on to kindergarten. And then first grade is coming up and second grade and third grade… In high school, they tell you you’re getting ready for college. And in college you’re getting ready to go out into the business world… [People are] like donkeys running after carrots that are hanging in front of their faces from sticks attached to their own collars. They are never here. They never get there. They are never alive.”

    It’s drilled into us from the day we’re born to always think of what’s next.

    You end up chasing carrots to eat when you’re not even hungry. Hell, you probably don’t even like the taste of carrots.

    This lack of presence is toxic for our children. They end up repeating the same cycle we do when we role model the idea that we need to prioritize a future self (that may never come) over time spent with them.

    Life only feels short because we burn much of our alive time on shit that doesn’t matter.

    Do you want to experience a deep, rich, and fulfilling life?

    Start by asking, what carrots are you chasing? Are they worth the sacrifice? And what values would you honor in the present if you stopped living for the future?

    I can say family means everything to me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to support and provide for them. But if I’m consumed by my phone when I’m with my ten-month-old daughter, what value am I reinforcing? To make more money in my business so I have the freedom to do exactly what I’m too busy to enjoy right now?

    To honor my values means putting the phone down, looking into her eyes, and giving her literally the only thing she wants and needs from me. My presence. And that right there—being present enough to enjoy our lives—is what will give us the happiness we crave.

  • How I’m Honoring My Values Even Though I Have Conflicting Priorities

    How I’m Honoring My Values Even Though I Have Conflicting Priorities

    “No matter what kind of stuff you tell the world, or tell yourself, your actions reveal your real values. Your actions show you what you actually want.” ~Derek Sivers

    I need to be a productivity rockstar if I stand a chance of accomplishing everything important to me.

    There’s a book I want to write, a course I want to create, and a chance to work with an award-winning author that has given me endless projects I want to pursue.

    These are exciting, but they’re creating a ton of anxiety in my life.

    Why?

    Because they’re at odds with being the kind of dad I want to be.

    Time is your most valuable resource as an entrepreneur.

    Time is also your most valuable resource as a present, attentive, and loving parent.

    When I look at the progress I’m making on my work projects, I can’t help but feel like a failure at the end of the week.

    It feels like I’m slacking.

    It feels like I’m being lazy.

    I’ve worked my ass off to get to this point, and now I’m letting it slip through my fingers.

    But what’s most important to me?

    My daughter, Willow.

    It’s a harsh realization to wrestle with because I find my work meaningful. My work gives me purpose. I don’t have some bullshit job I don’t care about anymore. I wake up feeling like I have something to offer the world. That feels light years away from the guy who didn’t care if he lived or died in his twenties.

    I’m not failing to get things done because I’m lazy. I say this, but holy hell, is it ever hard for me to internalize. I feel like a failure for not making progress on opportunities I would have killed for a few years ago.

    Except I’m not experiencing failure, am I?

    I’m experiencing what it means to battle with the beast that is priorities.

    I might not be crushing it as an entrepreneur, but I’m damn proud of the dad I am.

    And even though I feel like I “should” be doing more with my business, it’s not predictive of what I’ll be able to do in the future.

    Willow won’t be a kid forever.

    Whenever I read a particular Cherokee proverb, it stings with the bite of a rattlesnake because it serves as a reminder of what steals my happiness: “Don’t let yesterday eat up too much of today.” It speaks to where I find myself when I drift back into feeling like I’ll never be productive again.

    Whenever I start thinking about what I was able to accomplish in the past and how little it feels like I’ve done since becoming a father, it reminds me that my priorities are different now. But it’s also bringing about a shift in what I think it means to accomplish something with my day.

    Every day we go in and out of emotions based on the thoughts consuming us. Focusing on what we can’t do creates hopelessness; when we focus on what we can do, it creates motivation and a sense that the world is full of possibility. This is why our emotions are such a rollercoaster.

    It wasn’t until I noticed that I was putting entrepreneurship and being a dad at odds that I recognized I was the one creating the painful emotions I was struggling with.

    The better I can learn to manage my fears rather than react to what scares me, the better I can handle these moments when I feel feel like I’m a failure.

    My fear is justified. It makes sense that I’m fearful that I won’t be able to support my family if the business disappears.

    But is the fear based on fact? Not at all.

    All of my clients have expressed that they love working with me. The author I mentioned before said one of the things she admires about me most is my willingness to live true to my values.

    It’s okay to be fearful. It’s a natural part of life that keeps us alive. But if we don’t bring awareness to our fearful thought patterns, they will continue to haunt us.

    If I don’t admit that I have competing priorities, I can’t possibly expect to experience peace of mind in either area of my life. And calmness is the elixir that makes me a creative, innovative entrepreneur and a present and engaged dad. A far cry from the stress case focused on expectations and outcomes, putting me in a position to base my worth on how busy I am.

    We’re all farmers in the business of planting seeds. The more pressure we put on growth, the less we’ll see development because we’ll be too anxious to do anything effectively—and we also won’t enjoy any of it. We’ll be so busy worrying about our wants for the future that it will be impossible to appreciate what we have in the present.

    It’s a life-changing approach for work and an even more powerful way to parent when we remove the pressure of outcomes tied to a timeline. The results you experience in either area are far less important than the commitment to fully showing up, aligned with what you value. Then we’re not racing and stressing but creating a sustainable approach that honors all the things that give us a meaningful life.

  • 6 Emotions That Can Cloud Our Judgment and How to Make Better Decisions

    6 Emotions That Can Cloud Our Judgment and How to Make Better Decisions

    “Don’t let your emotions outweigh your intelligence.” ~Unknown

    I jump to ridiculous conclusions when I’m emotional, and I’m like anyone else in that sometimes they get the best of me. And it’s pretty damn embarrassing in those moments, especially if I’ve been stupid enough to make any kind of decision.

    Having the awareness to recognize your judgment is clouded by emotion is next to impossible at times. Many of us don’t know how to read the signals. Hence why we get swept away by our caveman instincts and find ourselves saying, “All I see is red when I’m angry.”

    This is a serious problem as an adult.

    Our kids mirror what they watch at home, school, and in society. They parrot what they see and assume that’s the appropriate response. Dad burned down a Wendy’s because they were out of mayonnaise, so of course, it makes sense to punch Samantha in the face because she drew a happy face on your binder at school.

    You, me, and every other human walking this earth are flawed creatures. I don’t mean this in a demeaning you should be ashamed, get your sh*t together, holier than thou, I know better lecture.

    I’m speaking from the stance of being a master at putting myself in stupid situations where it would take friggin’ Houdini-level skills to escape the mess I’ve created.

    And why do I do this? Because my emotions run wild when I’m not looking after myself.

    Humans make horrible decisions when solely guided by emotions (that vanish as quickly as they come). It’s like having horse blinders on. Our focus only becomes what is directly in front of us and is filtered through the emotion we happen to be feeling. We’re blind to all the other inputs that could help us better manage the situation.

    It’s the same reason why 99% of people lose money investing in individual stocks. They buy and sell based on their emotions rather than on the company’s value (the only thing that matters).

    As investment author William Green said, “Most people make their investment decisions (and life decisions) on the basis of an unreliable hodgepodge of half-baked logic, biases, hunches, emotion, and vague fantasies or fears about the future.”

    Ken Shubin Stein is a guy who knows a thing or two about high-pressure decision-making. He spent two decades running a hedge fund in New York. He’s also a professor at Columbia University Graduate School of Business, where he has taught Advanced Investment Research since 2009. Oh, and he also decided to become a neurologist just for kicks because he loves geeking out on how the mind works.

    You’re probably wondering, how could a guy who runs a hedge fund help you live a better life?

    Because the success of his career is judged on one basic idea—don’t make stupid decisions. And I don’t know about you, but wouldn’t life be a lot easier if you felt confident about your decision-making (regardless of how chaotic your life feels)?

    Six specific emotions guarantee you’re going to make a crappy decision.

    Can you guess what they are?

    Honestly, try and see how many you can think of before you read on. Think about the last time you made a poor decision. What emotions were flowing through you?

    I’ll give you a clue. Shubin Stein uses the acronym HALT-PS as a reminder to pause when those emotions might be impairing his judgment. He takes it one step further and postpones important decisions until he’s in a state where these emotions don’t flood his brain.

    Here are the nasty culprits of crappy decision-making.

    Hunger.

    Anger.

    Loneliness.

    Tiredness.

    Pain.

    Stress.

    Think of HALT-PS like a gigantic red stop sign. The moment you notice any of these emotions are present, hit the brakes. You wouldn’t just rip through a stop sign going at full speed because you’re in a rush, so why would you make a rash decision that has a damn good chance of causing you to crash into oncoming traffic?

    HALT-PS creates a buffer between the emotion and the decision. This time delay can be a lifesaver since full-blown emotions are short-lived. Creating a little space means you get a chance to slow down, open your mind, and from a calm state, you can consider the risks that you might have otherwise overlooked.

    Why is HALT-PS such a damn powerful technique to have in your toolbox? Because it helps you answer the question: Why might I be wrong?

    This framework doesn’t only help with the life-changing decisions we make when we’re emotionally overwhelmed. It can also help us catch ourselves before we plant a seed of a belief without noticing the trajectory it puts us on.

    I’m a first-time dad with a five-week-old daughter. Tiredness and stress come with the role. In her second week alive, I was already telling myself that I wasn’t strong enough to be a dad. The sad part was that I believed it under the fog of exhaustion. Was I going to be nothing but a disappointment to her?

    There was a time in my life where I would have let that be my story moving forward. But now, I reflect because there are plenty of reasons why I might be wrong.

    Here I am five weeks in, and I regret selling myself short because I didn’t give myself the chance to prove myself. I’m doing the best I can at something I’ve never done before. Isn’t that the single best lesson we can ever hope to teach a kid? Do your best. Don’t regret what you’re trying your best on.

    Without the awareness of HALT-PS, I wouldn’t have recognized that my thinking was impaired under a cloud of sleep deprivation and stress.

    The more clearly we can view our thoughts, the more clearly we can decide what to engage with and what we can let go of.

    Not every argument needs to be a fight. And not every fight needs to lead to a blowup. We can deescalate situations with ease when we have an awareness of our emotions at the moment.

    I love using HALT-PS for this very reason. Ignoring our emotions is the mental equivalent of drunk driving. It’s stupid. You don’t have the cognitive ability to make a safe decision.

    In the heat of the moment, our emotional disposition and moods routinely distort what we see and how we relate to what’s going on. I’m not that angry is like saying I’ve only had a few beers. It doesn’t take much to wrap you around a pole.

    Keep it simple. Sometimes the best decision is to make no decision at all.

    Most of us are not making life-and-death decisions that need an immediate response. Give yourself space to step back from the situation so you can clearly view your emotions through the lens of HALT-PS.

    Is an emotion present? Be vulnerable.

    I’ve gotten in the habit of telling my wife the truth, and it’s a rather novel idea that works pretty damn well. When I’m charged up, I tell her I’m not in the emotional headspace you deserve for this conversation. When I have the capacity, I promise we will talk about this because I know it’s important to you.

    Be forewarned. Using HALT-PS is like wielding magic powers. It doesn’t make the emotions go away, but you will become a master at surfing the waves that so many people get crushed by.

  • Why I’d Rather Be Vulnerable with People Than Pretend I’m Perfect

    Why I’d Rather Be Vulnerable with People Than Pretend I’m Perfect

    “Give up being perfect, for being authentic. Give up the need to be perfect, for the opportunity to be authentic. Be who you are. Love who you are. Others will too.” ~Hal Elrod

    I’m not perfect. Not that this would come as any kind of surprise to anyone who knows me. But I often feel pushed in the direction of trying to represent myself as someone who has it all together. Especially because of the nature of my work as a coach and facilitator. What about you? Do you ever feel like you’re putting on a show for others?

    The more I find myself trying to represent a perfectly put-together person, the less confident I feel in who I am because I know I am being inauthentic. It’s a big part of what took me off social media a few years ago.

    I don’t like that social media has the ability to mold what you think about yourself by way of comparison and encourage posturing. It’s a slippery slope, as we’re hardwired to yearn for love and connection as part of our survival. For me, it didn’t feel like the kinda place I wanted my love and connection to come from.

    Having the ability to talk about our flaws, what’s going wrong in our lives and where we’re getting stuck, is a huge part of human evolution that we often forget about. If we don’t have an environment to talk about our vulnerabilities, the wounds never get a chance to heal.

    Before getting into therapy, my life was a bloody mess because I pretended like these wounds didn’t exist.

    I don’t remember a period in my life without depression. Even as a teen it followed me around like a shadow.

    I believed the world would be better without me. I felt worthless—like I shouldn’t even have a seat at the table with other humans. I should have been in an alley eating scraps of food with sewer rats. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, the shadow mocked me for dreaming of a better future. My unwillingness to unpack those thoughts meant the infection spread to all areas of my life.

    I grew up in the nineties, when no one was talking about mental health. You struggled in silence.

    I battled demons in high school. I only lasted till eleventh grade before dropping out. I couldn’t stand the thought of spending another day being somewhere that made my life hell—but really, hell was inside me.

    The voice inside my head was (and still is at times) vicious. Every day it was like the Vikings raided and settled into my thoughts to destroy my existence. Those thoughts have left scars that would look like battle wounds of lobbed-off arms if you could see them.

    The voice inside my head was a reminder that I sure as hell would never do anything my parents would be proud of. It was easier to do nothing so that nothing was expected of me. I didn’t feel stupid if I didn’t try, so it made my reality an easier pill to swallow.

    I did graduate and made my way to university, but my life became increasingly dysfunctional. My love for being black-out drunk on Sailor Jerry rum became the perfect way to cope with a chaotic mind I didn’t understand.

    This comes back to not treating open wounds. Everything I resisted continue to persist.

    I had next to no insight into what I was going through because I wasn’t willing to share that I was struggling.

    At the time, my problems took on the weight of the world because I didn’t let people stand by my side to support me. I burned through relationships like a brushfire. I had no idea how to be in an open and communicative relationship because I barely had a relationship with myself.

    Once the wounds became visible through therapy, I could stop the infection from poisoning my ability to think and function. Vulnerability saved my life. I have no doubt that if I didn’t get that support, I would not be here today.

    We forget that our survival depends on being vulnerable. Author Brad Stulberg talks about this in his book, The Practice of Groundedness. He writes, “Our ancestors who survived weren’t those who were the strongest by traditional measures, but those who were most effectively able to share their weaknesses with one another and work together to overcome them.”

    If I didn’t share what I’ve been through, would you still be reading this? Probably not. It would be just another fluff piece on embracing your vulnerability.

    Without openness, there is no love and connection.

    Without openness, you and I wouldn’t be sharing this moment.

    Without openness, you and I can’t heal and grow together.

    The idea of being vulnerable scares the sh*t out of most of us. No one wants to be perceived as weak or admit they have flaws. We’re afraid that the lions of the world will sense our weaknesses and pick us off one by one.

    Except I’ve never actually been mauled by a wild animal when I’ve asked for help, or taken responsibility for a mistake. It’s actually had the opposite effect. Through my writing and vulnerability, I’ve connected with people on every continent of earth.

    It becomes impossible for me to pretend my vulnerabilities are mine alone if people from all over the world have said I’ve captured what they’re struggling with.

    This idea is backed up by research from The University of Mannheim, in Germany, that Stulberg references in his book.

    He writes, “They repeatedly found that the individual doing the sharing felt that their vulnerability would be perceived as weak, as a negative. But the person on the other end of the conversation, the listener, felt the exact opposite: the more vulnerable the sharer was, the more courageous they perceived him or her to be. The listener viewed vulnerability as an unambiguously positive trait.”

    And I think this is why a lot of us continue to feel stuck. We’re so damn wrapped up in worrying about what others will think of us when we open up that we miss the chance to connect.

    When we feel we need to be perfect, it becomes impossible to grow because we’re not being honest with ourselves about how we’re struggling and what would help. My life couldn’t move forward if I refused to see the reality that partying, substance abuse, and pleasure chasing was an attempt to escape depression.

    When you choose the illusion of perfection over vulnerability, you become a stunted version of who you’re capable of becoming.

    The first place you get to take the armor off is when you’re staring at the reflection you see in the mirror.

    Are you willing to be vulnerable with the person staring back at you?

    Are you willing to admit that life is not going the way you want it to?

    Are you willing to put aside judgment so you can get the help and support you need?

    We all want changes, but are we willing to make the choices that give us that change?

    These questions have the potential to shake the core of your foundation free from all the bullsh*t that accumulates over the years. It’s bloody liberating to let go of stories that no longer serve you—stories about who you need to be and what you need to do or have in order to be happy and loved.

    I didn’t need to achieve a promotion or drive a sports car to receive love from my parents. I didn’t have to do anything to show the world that I mattered. I needed to ground myself in vulnerability, rather than an image of perfection, so I could show up as my authentic self and make a difference for other people by being the real, imperfect me.

    Pretending to be somebody you’re not is exhausting work. Not to mention it does the complete opposite of what you want it to do. If vulnerability gives you the power to connect, lead, and grow, that means the inverse is also true. A lack of vulnerability means you end up feeling disconnected, a fraud, forever stuck with a fragile version of what you’re capable of because your ego is afraid of getting hurt.

    Putting a name to what you’re facing puts the power back in your hands. So recognize that you too may be pretending to be perfect to avoid admitting you’re struggling and feeling vulnerable. That single choice to embrace vulnerability could be the most important decision you ever make in your life. And it just may give you the confidence to know you can face anything and rise above it.

  • Are You Sick of Waiting, Wanting, and Wishing for a Better Life?

    Are You Sick of Waiting, Wanting, and Wishing for a Better Life?

    “Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.” ~Walter Elliott

    I often find myself impatient with the pace of my progress. Waiting for my life to move forward can sometimes feel like I’m watching paint dry.

    There are so many moments when we feel like our life is at a standstill. This is generally where I double down with my intensity. I hit it with everything I can. The crash comes soon after from the inevitable violent collision of my mind, body, and spirit as they’re pushed beyond their limits.

    The idea of having to wait for anything is a first-world problem. The thought that your cat’s costume might not arrive in time for Halloween is enough to bring some people to tears. Just thinking of Mr. Whiskers having to go out as a plain ol’ cat is a bloody crime.

    And that’s waiting for a cat costume.

    What about that book you wish would just write itself?

    What about that scale that still shows you being forty pounds heavier than you want to be?

    What about that bank account that still isn’t bigger than your credit card bill?

    These are not things we want to wait for. We want the juice without the squeeze.

    We’ve grown so impatient with the idea of waiting for results that we act like moving slowly is a poison to progress. We default to believing the antidote is a shot of intensity straight to the veins. But all that gives us is further frustration, anger, guilt that we’re not doing enough, and the feeling that we need to push harder.

    It’s such a horrible way to approach life. Especially since the only finish line comes when you take your final breath. And I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get there early.

    It’s exhausting even thinking about that period of my life when I wanted to write a book, lose forty pounds, and stop feeling broke. Not a day would pass when I wouldn’t be consumed by feelings of doubt and hopelessness. I should have been pushing out diamonds with the amount of pressure I was putting on myself.

    That struggle led to a life-changing aha moment for me. I realized that there are two ways to approach making progress. You can hit it hard with intensity. Or you can set a long-term aim with consistency.

    Which of these do you think is sustainable for making progress?

    Think back to the children’s story of the tortoise versus the hare. These are lessons worth revisiting for their simple and profound principles on approaching life.

    We all overestimate what we can accomplish in a day, but we underestimate what we can accomplish in a year with steady momentum.

    How do you write a book? By establishing a daily writing habit.

    How do you lose forty pounds? By moving your body every day and eating less than you burn.

    How do you get out of debt? By making a daily choice to spend less than you earn (and invest the difference).

    You’re not going to write a book in a day, but there’s a damn good chance you’ll have one in a year.

    You’re not going to lose forty pounds in a day, but you could in a year.

    You won’t get out of debt in a day, but you’ll set a trajectory for wealth creation that lasts the rest of your life.

    How different could your life be a year from now if you committed to something that’s important to you?

    Sit with that idea for a moment. Soak it in.

    What would it feel like to hold that book in your hands?

    What would it feel like to look at that scale and see the number you want to see?

    What would it feel like to be debt-free and investing in your future?

    I’m serious. Feel it. Wait till you get goosebumps.

    That is peace of mind, relief, and a sense of fulfillment tied up in a bow on Christmas morning. That is the realization that you can have almost anything you want in your life if you stay disciplined with your priorities. That is the power of consistent daily habits.

    There’s a saying about hope not being a strategy for change. I do believe hope is a beautiful emotion. But I’ve seen myself get stuck for years waiting, wanting, and wishing for a better life. Hope didn’t give me a way out because it left me at the mercy of my current circumstances.

    Writer Lu Xun said, “Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.”

    This is the power of action and putting one foot in front of the other.

    Every action you take is a vote toward the person you want to be. The more we align the things we do on a daily basis with the person we want to become, the more fulfillment we feel in the little things that get us there.

    What do you wish you could change if only it didn’t feel so hard? And what could it mean for your life if every day you prioritized this change and did one small thing to work toward it?

    Make the decision to commit to a simple daily habit that reflects the person you want to be and the life you want to live. When you do this, you’re deciding to take back control of your life. You’re deciding to give yourself a better future. You’re deciding that you matter.

  • Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

    Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

    “Putting yourself first is not selfish. Quite the opposite. You must put your happiness and health first before you can be of use to anyone else.” ~Simon Sinek

    If you’re someone who cares deeply for the people in your life, you may want to do anything you can for them. This devotion isn’t always reciprocated. Not to say we should only think of things in a transactional nature, but sometimes we can selflessly give ourselves away to people who are careless with our own needs.

    It often leaves us feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.

    It often leaves us feeling depleted, empty, and resentful.

    It often leaves us feeling like we’re trying to make everyone else happy, yet we’re miserable.

    Instead of doing things because we want to do them, we end up doing them because we’re attempting to make others happy.

    These are the moments that eat me alive. I end up sticking around a project far longer than I should because I’m worried about what it will mean for the other person.

    For the last year, I’ve been producing a weekly podcast with a friend. When we started it gave me purpose and joy, and I loved to work on it. But now? It feels like work I dread. I think about wanting to quit all the time. It’s an energy suck on my life. And all I can think of is, will they be unhappy with me if I tell them I don’t want to do the podcast anymore?

    I’m guessing we’ve all done this before—base our happiness on the happiness of others. We think…

    My parents won’t be happy unless I become a doctor, so I’ll go to medical school.

    My partner won’t be happy unless I prioritize their career over mine, so I’ll give up on my dreams.

    My kids won’t be happy unless I devote every waking moment to their needs, so I’ll sacrifice my sense of self.

    My friends won’t be happy unless I drop everything when they need me, so I’ll put my life on hold.

    My family won’t be happy unless I am the person they want me to be, so I’ll put their needs first.

    My cat won’t be happy unless… cats will *never* be happy. Much like most of the people who expect you to do these things for them. If they attach an expectation, you aren’t dealing with someone who values your worth and what’s meaningful to you.

    They’re looking at you as a means to something they want. This isn’t saying that’s a “bad” person, it’s the reality of being a human. There’s software running in the background that is based on self-preservation. It is universal among all living organisms.

    This software doesn’t exactly serve us in situations like this because it does everything it can to avoid pain and fear. And that’s exactly what’s keeping us stuck in these circumstances. We don’t want to cause pain in others, and we sure as hell don’t want to experience pain ourselves. And we fear what will happen if we say no to these people and prioritize our own needs.

    Will our parents stop loving us?

    Will our partner leave us?

    Will our kids suffer?

    Will our friends stop being our friends?

    Will our family start to ignore us?

    Will my cat still love me?

    It’s normal to have feelings of pain and fear.

    That’s worth emphasizing because you might think that the pain and fear are unique to your situation. It’s not. Pain and fear are a normal part of life.

    If we can see the choices we make through this lens of pain and fear, we can better understand why others are perhaps projecting their pain and fear onto us and our decisions.

    This is where it takes some courage. The only way things will ever change is if you stand up for yourself (because nobody else will). Stand up like you would for someone you love or a cause you care about. Stand up like your survival depends on it… because it does.

    It’s not selfish to put yourself first (what you want to do with your life). It’s selfish to expect others to put you and your needs first (what others want you to do with your life).

    I have a kid on the way. And thinking of her being here has forced me to think of my happiness differently. If I’m working on projects that feel like they’re robbing me of my time, I’m willingly sacrificing the kind of dad I want to be—present and grounded. The poor kid would be left with a warm body and a mind that is elsewhere racing with anxiety because I’m focused on making others happy.

    You could do nothing with the hopes of avoiding pain and fear, but it will invite a lifetime of regret. This is the equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts. You lose your sense of identity, your life feels meaningless, and you drift aimlessly in a life that is not yours.

    This.

    Is.

    It.

    There are no do-overs.

    No second chances.

    You don’t get to do this life all over again.

    So don’t waste your days living someone else’s life.

    In the end, I decided that who I want to be as a father is a hell of a lot more important to me than a project. And much like most things we avoid in life, I had turned the decision into something far more complicated than it needed to be. It was a lesson learned from Dr Seuss who wrote, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”

    Those who matter want to see you happy.

    They’re not the ones holding you back. They’re the cheerleaders of your life who ask you, who do you want to become?

    Commit to living your answer. It’s not selfish. It’s prioritizing your happiness.

  • Afraid to Say No Because You Might Miss Out on a Big Opportunity?

    Afraid to Say No Because You Might Miss Out on a Big Opportunity?

    “What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” ~Unknown

    Are you afraid of saying no in your professional life because you think you’ll miss out on a big opportunity? I’ve learned that a quick yes can sink a lot of ships. God only knows I’ve taken on too much at times because I feared I’d miss out on something life changing.

    We view opportunities as golden nuggets that are few and far between, so we snatch them up before someone else does, even if they don’t really excite us. But many of them are nothing more than fool’s gold—a superficial resemblance to what we actually want.

    It’s just so damn hard to pass on something that sounds promising like a new role at work, a chance to join an exciting new project, or an invitation to pitch your business idea (even if it’s hats for cats). And we’d be stupid to say anything but yes because it’s now or never, right?

    This is a sh*t storm brewing up a triple threat of overcommitted, overwhelmed, and overloaded, when all those exciting opportunities start feeling more like burdens.

    Grace Bonney is an author, blogger, and entrepreneur who knows a thing or two about this struggle. Bonney wrote The New York Times bestseller In the Company of Women, a book featuring more than 100 stories about women entrepreneurs who overcame adversity.

    Bonney had this to share on saying no:

    “The biggest fear most of us have with learning to say no is that we will miss an opportunity. An opportunity that would have catapulted us to success, or that will never come again. And most of the time, that simply isn’t true. I’ve found that the first part of learning to say no is learning to accept that offers and opportunities are merely an indication that you’re on the right path—not that you’ve arrived at a final destination you can never find again. If someone is choosing you, it means you’re doing something right. And that is the biggest opportunity you can receive—the chance to recognize that your hard work is paying off. And if you continue to do good work, those opportunities will continue—and improve—over time.”

    I know what she’s talking about because I used to put myself in this situation at least once a year. I would ignore this lesson and believe that this time would be different (and it never is).

    I remember one time I was sitting on the edge of my bed feeling like I had been kicked out of an airplane without a parachute. I could hear a violent whoosh sound in my ears as my boss picked up. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to come in today, I’m…”

    It was too late. I was already freefalling. I was experiencing my first panic attack. I couldn’t finish the sentence. The tears started coming as I blurted out, “I’m sorry, I’ve taken on too much and it’s hitting me all at once.”

    I was in a full-time job I loved, I had returned to school to become a certified coach, and I was attempting to start a business. As if all of that wasn’t enough, I’d also accepted an invitation to kick off a new innovation team because I thought it would look good on my resume and I was afraid I might never get an opportunity like that again.

    It’s sad to say, but my partner was left with a burned-out, easily agitated shadow of support. In an attempt to give us a better life, I had made life miserable.

    I sucked all the fun out of these exciting opportunities by pushing myself to a limit that clearly wasn’t sustainable.

    But then I did something magical. I started to say no.

    From then onward, I used three questions to help me filter possible opportunities in order to gain clarity.

    What does this opportunity mean to me?

    Why is this opportunity important to me?

    What does this opportunity give me?

    Answering these questions helped me see that I’d put zero thought into a lot of stuff I was saying yes to because I was trying to create a “successful” life.

    But I knew what I wanted my days to look like and what “success” actually meant to me. And more importantly, I understood that success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.

    My north star of success is freedom. Having the freedom to invest my focus in the things that matter to me. Which means I need to do less so I can enjoy more.

    Now I’m not willing to accept an opportunity unless it truly excites me and I take something else off my plate. I’m unwilling to sacrifice my values. I trust that bigger and better opportunities will continue to come my way (if I keep improving and honing my craft).

    This gives me a measuring stick I can reference before I take on any new opportunities. Because a big part of saying no is the power it gives you to go all-in on something awesome when it comes across your plate (without being overcommitted, overloaded, and overwhelmed by sh*t you don’t care about).

    Bonney shifted my thinking of how I view opportunities. Rather than see an offer as a one-off that I need to jump on, it’s a sign that I’m on the right path. If someone wants to partner with me, it means I’m doing something right. As long as I continue to do what got me noticed in the first place, the opportunities will continue and improve in the future.

    Life is too damn short to be overcommitted, overloaded, and overwhelmed by a schedule of projects and people that bring you no joy. In the words of philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”

    Don’t see saying no as letting people down. You’re actually letting people down when you say yes, but don’t have the capacity or the enthusiasm to knock it out of the park. If you won’t say no for yourself, say it for the rest of us, because the world is a better place when you’re working on things you love.

  • The Simple Path to a More Fulfilling, Far Richer Life

    The Simple Path to a More Fulfilling, Far Richer Life

    “Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day. The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time.” ~Seneca

    Many of us say we want a simpler life, but we don’t make any changes because that would require us to make hard choices that go against the flow. We say we want to be less busy and enjoy more of our days, but it feels easier to do what everyone else is doing, even if it’s actually harder.

    The path of least resistance is a well-paved six-lane highway that barrels forward in one direction. The constant hum of traffic tricks you into thinking it’s the best way to get where you want to go. If you’re interested in a simpler life, take the next exit because I’d like to share a new route with you.

    But first, a few important questions…

    Why do we accept rules, expectations, or beliefs forced on us as adults? If this comes at a cost that consumes our soul and leaves us questioning life, why do we view this as a fair trade-off?

    Why do we subject ourselves to the torture of leading chaotic lives? Do we think our sacrifices are worthy and just because they’ll enable our kids to live better lives? Does our reality really reflect the life we want to pass on to our kids? Or are we passing the torch to a relay they don’t actually want to be a part of?

    At some point, we forgot why we work. And the forty-hour work week is something no one questions. It is what it is. How is it that every job needs the same length of time to complete its tasks in a week?

    You need to have a source of income to put a roof over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back. I won’t debate you on that. After we fulfill these necessities of life, we start to get lost with everything we think we need to be happy.

    We live in a consumerist culture. As a result, we’ve come to believe that our wants and needs are the same thing. This requires us to make far more money than we really need for a happy life. It traps us in jobs we don’t want. And it forces us to spend our most precious resource (our time) on things that don’t make us happier.

    I know, I’ve been there myself. In my mid-twenties, I was in a job I hated, living with someone who deserved better, in a city I didn’t want to be in. Rather than address the root of my unhappiness, I bought a brand-new shiny sports car. I was depressed and I wanted a car to fulfill an emotional need. Spoiler alert: All I got in return was more depression and a bank-draining monthly payment to remind me you can’t buy happiness.

    I don’t want to spend my life endlessly consuming in an attempt to avoid my feelings and needs. I want to be present in every moment and enjoy as much as I can, like my niece, who’s coming up to her third birthday. She’s already the world’s greatest mindfulness teacher.

    Like a penguin marching through the Antarctic, she waddles forward with purpose. She stops to let that grass tickle her toes. She laughs as the feeling of a breeze kisses her cheeks. She is present with every ounce of her being. I’m with her, but a moment before I’m whisked away by the thought of upcoming projects and emails I “need” to respond to.

    Modern society squashes the whimsical out of you like a fat June bug under a careless foot. The decades of school and meaningless work are like buckets of water drowning a campfire. Only the embers remain. The fire that burned within your soul waits for oxygen to stoke it back to life.

    To reach the simple life you have to make the hard choice to carve your own path. It’s that voice that says don’t settle and points you in the opposite direction of everyone else. It’s the words of Dr. Seuss who urges, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”

    Getting started with a simpler life doesn’t require anything you don’t already have. It only requires you to focus on everything worth appreciating in your life as it is right now.

    The purí tribe lived along the northern coast of South America and in Brazil. Philosopher Henry David Thoreau modeled his life after their ability to live simply, present, and fulfilled. Their way of living was in the presence they gave each moment: “For yesterday, today, and tomorrow they have only one word, and they express the variety of meaning by pointing backward for yesterday, forward for tomorrow, and overhead for the passing day.”

    While we can’t all uproot our lives and live in the woods like Thoreau, and modern life is decidedly more complicated than life in the time of the purí, their commitment to presence offers a simple solution to the chaos of an ever-connected life.

    By doing less and being more engaged in everything we do, we’re able to enjoy our lives now instead of waiting and hoping we’ll find happiness and fulfillment sometime in the future, when we’ve accomplished or earned enough.

    But this requires us to tune out the noise of the world, an ever-present buzzing that drowns out the voice of our soul as the years add up.

    As a kid, that voice whispered to us about exploration and adventure. We were driven by curiosity and refused to be idle.

    Everything was exciting.

    Everything was magical.

    Everything was a gift.

    Living this kind of life comes back to our ability to be present like the purí tribe.

    It’s in these moments of presence that we get a chance to listen and hear what our soul is saying. We know deep down that material things will not make us happier. We know deep down that all the promotions in the world will not fill the void of missing out on life. We know deep down that the rat race is a game we don’t need to be a part of.

    Being present with these uncomfortable feelings is the beginning of a new and rich life.

    Left unchecked the rat race crushes your soul like the grass beneath an elephant stampede. This way of living is toxic for the mind, body, and soul. It’s a disease that fills you with stress, destroys your family, and gives you little to hope for.

    This is the reality I was facing when I was forty pounds heavier and had hit rock bottom with my mental health. I often found myself drinking with the hope that I wouldn’t wake up.

    It wasn’t until I was present with this pain that I could see that I needed help. And it wasn’t until I faced my feelings that I was able to strip away the things that didn’t fulfill me so I could      make space to enjoy the now.

    If you’re living like I once did—distracting yourself from your discontent and missing out on your life as a result—know that things don’t have to continue this way.

    At any time, you can choose to be honest with yourself, let go of the things that drain your spirit, and allow yourself to find joy in the simplicity of the now.

    At any time, you can tune into life’s simple pleasures—the excitement of your dog’s wagging tail, the unexpected smile of a passing stranger, or the way your son’s eyes light up when he smiles—and recognize that this is happiness. And It’s available at any time if you’re not too busy or caught up in your head to appreciate it.

    The purí tribe would point overhead to the passing day as a reminder that this is the only day we have. There’s no sense looking backwards unless that’s the direction you want to go. Each and every day carries a new opportunity to be present and live a rich life.

  • How I Moved from Depression to a Deep and Meaningful Life

    How I Moved from Depression to a Deep and Meaningful Life

    “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.” ~Pema Chödrön

    Standing at the bathroom sink, I brought my gaze up to the mirror. I couldn’t avoid eye contact with the one person I had no desire to talk to. I had questions, and I knew the reflection looking back at me wasn’t capable of giving the answers I needed.

    My solution was a handful of prescription pills to numb my anxiety and Type II Bipolar.

    Every morning I popped a Wellbutrin, Cipralex, Valproic Acid, Lithium, and Adderall. It was the cocktail that got me through the day. It was about the only thing I could stay consistent with in my life. I knew something had to change, but where to start? How do you cultivate a deep and meaningful life?

    My mind and body may as well have lived on different planets. Sure, they shared the same address, but they didn’t know how to communicate. They had no idea how to help each other, or even that they were on the same team.

    At that point in my life, I didn’t understand how my thoughts and feelings could act as a poison to my physical self. Or that my poor habits with diet and drinking were extinguishing any will I had to live.

    And my energy levels were like I had gone on vacation but forgot to turn off the dome light in the car. When I woke up each morning, I could turn the key, but all I’d hear is silence. There was no juice left to get me anywhere.

    My cocktail of pills acted like a jump start to a car with a dead battery. I felt a surge of energy rush through me when it shot into the bloodstream. I’d guzzle a couple of coffees through the day to keep me humming.

    I knew it wasn’t a long-term solution, but it was the first time I felt alive. And for someone who had lost the will to live, pills can often be the first stepping stone to get you back to yourself.

    Imagine yourself walking in darkness without even the glow of the moon to guide you through an unfamiliar forest. Your next step is followed by a crack as the ground underneath you collapses.

    You come to, rub your eyes, blink a couple of times, and find yourself in a blackness that swallows all sense of life. You put your arms out and realize you’ve fallen into a well no wider than a waterslide tunnel. Now imagine hearing a voice echo off the walls that asks you, “Why do you think you’re sad?”

    That’s what depression feels like. Pills, for me, were a rope to help me climb up. But I still needed more to help me find the light once I emerged back into the darkness of night.

    That second stepping stone to a deep and meaningful life is getting support. I had entered therapy before I was prescribed medication, but it wasn’t until I had medication that I could hear what my therapist was asking.

    Therapy was like a first date for my mind and body. And like all great partnerships, they come together to create something more than they are separate.

    During therapy I recognized that my life had felt numb and disconnected from reality for years. I also realized that I had been lying to myself, keeping myself stuck with negative thoughts and beliefs about who I was and what I was (or wasn’t) capable of doing with my life. My therapist helped me unpack what was keeping me stuck and empty. This helped me uncover what I was in search of—a mind-body connection, which reunited me with my soul.

    When people talk about purpose, meaning, and fulfillment, this is language that can only come from deep within the fire of your soul. A person disconnected from their soul has no will to live, they simply exist. They’re carried in and out of shore like a piece of driftwood caught in a tide.

    The third stepping stone is to begin cultivating a deep life. I borrowed this idea from author Cal Newport. He describes it like so: “The deep life is about focusing with energetic intention on things that really matter—in work, at home, and in your soul—and not wasting too much attention on things that don’t.”

    Newport breaks it down into four areas. These areas feed your sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. They are foundational for living a deep life:

    1. Community (family, friends, etc.)

    We all need to feel a sense of belonging. We need to feel we’re valued, needed, included, and supported. And we need to feel comfortable showing our true selves so we can connect on a deep, intimate level.

    To deepen my sense of community, I leaned into my family and friends. I stopped seeing my struggles as a secret and shared what I was going through so my loved ones could support me. I joined a mental-health community group which let me see that others were going through similar experiences.

    2. Craft (work and quality leisure)

    We need to commit ourselves to something bigger than ourselves—a career path or hobby that provides an outlet for self-expression and contribution to the world.

    I started a daily writing habit. It allows me to make sense of the often-chaotic nature of my mind. And it’s given me the opportunity to share my experience with others.

    3. Constitution (a person’s physical state with regard to vitality, health, and strength)

    This is an area we often pass off as something we’ll do “if I have time.” But really, that’s like saying you don’t have time to stop for gas when you’re driving your car on empty. The further you go without filling up, the more likely you’ll feel stressed, burned out, and unable to cope with everything you’re juggling right now.

    I have adopted a belief that nothing I want to accomplish with my life is possible without making health a priority. It has become one of my keystone habits in life. Every day I will move my body with yoga and exercise, as I’ve recognized this is my fuel for living.

    4. Contemplation (matters of the soul)

    This will likely involve doing more of something that enables you to connect with your soul, like sitting in nature or journaling, and also doing less of the things that disconnect you from yourself, like distracting yourself with screens.

    I adopted a meditation practice, which has been an anchor to my sense of self and a connection to the world. I removed myself from social media and now, instead, fill my time reading books.

    Many of us speak of how important these areas are to each of us but get swept away by the urgency of others’ needs and requests when it comes to making them a priority. I found this to be a daily battle that consumed me. Was I living the life I wanted, or was I living the life others expected of me? It made it clear that a deep life is not your default life. A shallow life is your default life.

    I wasn’t happy or fulfilled because a majority of the things I was doing, I did for others. At the time, I didn’t understand that our sense of fulfillment comes from working on things that really matter to us, and that boils down to an intentional use of our time and energy.

    My living room and dining room are adorned with plants. It’s a hell of a lot tougher than I thought to keep them alive. Some need daily watering, where others don’t want a drip until they’re bone dry.

    I don’t want my plants to survive, I want them to thrive. I want the plants to flourish, and that requires daily intention. My only action might be to a put finger into the soil, but that check-in gives me feedback on how it’s doing.

    Community, craft, constitution, and contemplation are living, breathing reflections of your life choices. They require a similar approach to caring for plants. They won’t tell you when they’re thirsty, you have to anticipate their needs and nurture their growth if you hope to enjoy the benefits of a deep life.

    I sit down for a weekly check-in with myself so that I never go too long between waterings. I ask myself, what is the most neglected important area of my life? And what will I do about it? This gives me the power of awareness. A chance to understand why I feel the way I do and what I can do to improve it.

    The deep life isn’t a snake oil solution to the challenges of mental illness. It’s what gives you unshakeable direction when your life feels like it’s falling apart. It’s what keeps you on the straight and narrow when life feels impossible. And it’s the reflection your soul needs because it gives you a why to stay alive and keep going.

    As author Francis Chan said, “Our greatest fear should not be failure but succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.”

    You matter. Your life matters. And you deserve to have a rich and fulfilling life.