“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon
We all internalize our suffering to one extent or another. Some of us instinctively take it to a point where it manifests as various physical aches and pains. When I was little, my body learned to carry the burden of the pain that was too big for my heart.
In some ways, it’s served me very well. It let me compartmentalize enough to function beautifully in certain areas. I have an Ivy League education, many work accolades, and all that jazz.
But oh, the cost to my dear body has been high. I’ve had chronic pain since I was 16, which has amplified over the years into to difficulty walking, standing, heck, even sitting. I’m physically limited in where I can go, what I can do, and how much energy I have on a daily basis.
It has been a tremendous price to pay, and I have been so resentful of my body for the life experiences I’ve missed out on.
I’m in my 30s, and there are 70 year olds who can dance circles around me. It has only been lately that it’s dawned on me how grateful I am for the sacrifice that I unknowingly made. I got through what I needed to, and it’s gotten me to a place where I have the safety to stop, lay my burdens down, and heal.
Separating from my pain and storing it in my body allowed me a container to put everything I wasn’t able to consciously hold. It also provided a buffer to keep my life experiences from damaging my soul, my faith in humanity, and my spirit. That is exactly what I needed way back then.
I don’t need it anymore. (more…)