Tiny Buddha

Author: Carrie L. Burns

  • Why Strong Chemistry Doesn’t Always Lead to a Strong Relationship

    Why Strong Chemistry Doesn’t Always Lead to a Strong Relationship

    “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ~C.G. Jung 

    Everyone says it. They say chemistry is a must. I know I say it. But why do we say this?  What exactly is chemistry, and is it really the best indicator of a good partner?

    The man I had the most chemistry with (we’ll call him Tim) treated me like an option and was never particularly concerned with my needs, desires, or feelings.

    I remember the day I met him, and he opened the door and flashed his ear-to-ear grin. I literally said to myself, “FML, this guy is going to break my heart.” Despite knowing he would, and despite his treatment, I stayed with him in a long-distance, off-and-on relationship for two and a half years. Oh, and yes, he did break my heart.

    Not only have I done this once, but I’ve done it SIX times!

    Why did I place my feelings for him and my desire to be with him over my own sanity, my security, and my needs? Why do we do it over and over again? Why do we value chemistry over caring?

    What is Chemistry?

    According to anthropologist Helen Fischer, chemistry is really a mixture of hormones (testosterone and estrogen) and neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin). In her book Why We Love, she lays out a framework indicating there are four distinct personality types, each made up of varying degrees of hormones and neurotransmitters.

    The Four Personality Types

    • The Explorer, defined by high dopamine activity, is adventurous, novelty-seeking, creative
    • The Builder, with high serotonin activity, is cautious, conventional, managerial
    • The Director, pumped up with testosterone, is aggressive, single-minded, analytical
    • The Negotiator, more estrogen-influenced, is empathetic, idealistic, a big-picture thinker

    But, underlying this biological chemistry is a psychological chemistry, which is when we are seeking out someone to heal the damage done in our childhood. This chemistry is where our problems come in.

    Most of the time we don’t know that we are drawing this parental figure toward us in some quest to get them to do things right by us this time, thereby fixing our wounded hearts. Sometimes we know it, but we keep moving forward anyway.

    With Tim I knew immediately. I felt his avoidance and his emotional unavailability. My intuition told me to run the minute I met him. Unfortunately, my hormones, my soul, and my heart told me otherwise, and I continued a pattern of push and pull, love and disdain for over two years.

    With all of my other boyfriends and even my husband, it wasn’t so obvious. Some it showed up later and some were worse than others. But I felt an immediate connection with every single one of them and went from being single to being in a relationship within a matter of days.

    So, Is It All Or Nothing?

    Not once did I take the time to determine how they treated me. Not once did I take the time to observe their behaviors and their willingness to meet my needs. I let chemistry and my feelings toward them override common sense.

    This isn’t to say they are to blame or that they were bad guys, because they weren’t. My childhood issues were running the show and have been since I can remember.

    Every one of them had the same characteristics. They were all kind, honest, good guys. But none of them seemed to care about my needs as much as their own. Life was all about their wants, needs, and desires, and I was supposed to just accept it. Unfortunately, I did accept it. I took it for as long as I could until I eventually left.

    However, this is not a healthy way to interact in a relationship. I was at fault for settling and not speaking my mind and discussing my needs. I suppose I felt that I was lucky to get their crumbs, and if they said they loved me that should have been enough. It wasn’t.

    There was always an underlying chemistry with all of them that kept me there and kept me trying. One night while I was separated from my husband, he spent the night after we went out to dinner. I remember lying there next to him. My body craved being physically next to him, but I kept looking over at him and thought to myself, “I really don’t like you very much.”

    Chemistry can override our common sense, and it can keep us with someone who isn’t right for us or doesn’t treat us well. Chemistry can be the most amazing thing on the planet. The highs you get are amazing. Unfortunately, the lows that can also come with it are very low. So, what do you do?

    Moving Forward

    I’ve come to realize that as of right now I am always going to be chemically attracted to someone who has a little bit of an avoidant personality. Emotional ambivalence feels safe and normal to me at first. It feels like love and it feels like home. Unfortunately, that type of love is not at all fulfilling as an adult, and I have to figure out how to rewire my brain.

    I’m not a doctor or a therapist, but I know myself and I think I’m fairly smart. What I think needs to be done going forward is to examine my choices more carefully before diving in.

    Almost all dating experts will tell you the same thing: Relationships are built on mutual trust, intimacy, and how each partner is willing to meet the other’s needs.

    If you haven’t heard of the famous study by John Gottman, here is a quick recap. They put couples in a room together and let them interact. They followed them over the years and came to this one conclusion: Every person turns toward their partner in an effort to make an emotional connection. They called these needs bids.

    They found that the couples that were happiest and that remained married met their partner’s emotional bids eighty percent (80%) of the time.

    Gottman identified nine separate emotional bids that include:

    1. Attention
    2. Interest
    3. Affection
    4. Extended conversation
    5. Emotional support
    6. Humor
    7. Enthusiastic engagement
    8. Play
    9. Self-disclosure

    What does this have to do with moving forward and with choosing a partner based on caring instead of chemistry? It means you have to observe them. Don’t rush in. Don’t choose someone just because you like them so much or you have chemistry with them.

    When you reach out in an attempt to make a connection, how does your partner respond? Do they respond to your bid or move away from it? It doesn’t matter whether they do it consciously or subconsciously; what matters is how they respond.

    Of course, it’s your responsibility to communicate your needs, desires, and wants, and if you fail to do this, you can’t blame it all on your partner. But, if you have and they still fail to meet your bids, then your relationship is likely doomed to fail.

    Choices

    It’s irrelevant if the person you choose has the physical appearance, job, sense of humor, ethics, or personality that you covet and are attracted to. If they fail to meet your bids for emotional connection, you will end up miserable and it won’t work. Period.

    So, take some time to write down what it is that you need in a partner. What are your non-negotiables? This should not really include things like height or hair color or body type.

    Non-negotiables are things like:

    • Honesty
    • Considers my needs as well as their own
    • Hard Working
    • Not selfish
    • Makes me laugh
    • Able to communicate their needs
    • Wants children/doesn’t want children
    • Accepts the fact that I get super fussy when I’m tired and doesn’t make me feel bad about it
    • Listens to me

    This is a basic list of some things to consider. Before you invest time dating you need to invest time in yourself. Figure out what you can and cannot do without. Write down three to five of your non-negotiables and stick by them.

    I’m not saying it will be easy to do this. The heart wants what it wants and chemistry can be a powerful force. Maybe this is what we all should think about if we keep choosing chemistry over caring.

    **This post was originally published in February, 2017.

  • What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    What Happens When We Assume the Worst of People We Love

    “Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.” ~Unknown

    There we were on a Saturday afternoon doing such benign things as running errands at Costco, Trader Joes, and the post office. Excitement galore.

    Yet, it would be a day I came to a major realization, understanding something I already knew in theory but wasn’t putting into practice.

    Here’s the realization: Mind reading in relationships leads to confusion, resentment, frustration, and name-calling.

    I’m not talking about psychic mind reading either! I’m referring to the kind of mind reading that you likely do every day, all the time, likely without even realizing it.

    Mind reading is when you assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling without direct evidence. In other words, you’re assuming their thoughts, beliefs, and intentions (and you’re usually assuming the worst).

    Big mistake.

    What Does Mind Reading Look Like?

    Here’s an example from the day I mentioned at the start of the post: We went to Costco and got a few things, and I asked him if he wanted to grab some sushi for lunch after. “Nope. I’m good” was his reply.

    “Hmmm. Well, thanks for asking me if I’m hungry,” I thought to myself. At this point I was sort of simmering in my own irritation but trying not to think about it.

    I’ve been battling this theory in my mind that no one really cares about me or my needs at all and that everyone else on the planet is selfish twit.

    So, another twenty minutes went by and he said, “We can go grab something small to eat if you want.”

    Cool! I was starving. That red bull on an empty stomach sure didn’t help.

    We needed to drop off the stuff at home first. As I was putting our groceries in the fridge, I pulled out two leftover sausages and threw them up on the counter to dump in the trash. We needed room and they looked icky.

    He immediately grabbed the sausage and a plate and started cutting them into pieces.

    I was mortified and pissed. What the hell????

    All I could think to myself is, “He doesn’t care about me or if I’m hungry. He’s hungry, so he’s going to eat and he’s going to do what he wants like he always does. Jerk.”

    My mind leapt right to it. I went right to assuming bad intentions and to assuming he doesn’t care about me or my needs. Quite a leap from him eating two sausages, I know.

    But instead of saying, “I’m hungry. I thought we were going to go eat. What’s up?” I yelled at him and blurted out, “It seems like you don’t care about me and the fact that I’m hungry, and you’re going to do what you want and you only care about yourself and you’re being a selfish jerk.”

    Oooops.

    What’s the Truth?

    His response was to look at me like a deer in headlights because he had absolutely no idea what I was getting so mad about, why I was yelling, or why he was suddenly a selfish jerk.

    At first, I was happy with myself. I had told him my feelings, right? I had stood up for myself. I had told him how I felt instead of pretending I wasn’t mad and always letting everything be okay. This was good, right?

    Actually, no, it wasn’t good.

    I had to stomp around for a while and simmer down, but as time went on, I realized we needed to resolve the issue, so I calmly asked him if he understood why I was upset.

    Of course, he didn’t. I tried to explain my side and where I was coming from and how my feelings were hurt by his insensitivity, but as he kept talking, I concluded that the issue wasn’t him being selfish. The issue was that I misunderstood him. I assumed he was being selfish. I inferred negative behavior toward him when all he wanted was a sausage.

    The truth is he thought I was putting the sausage up there for him to eat. He would eat the two sausage, still be hungry, and then we’d go have lunch. No harm. No foul.

    The poor guy thought he was doing what I wanted him to do and instead I called him names. My bad.

    I realized that my natural inclination to think that people are out to get me (which stems from childhood sexual abuse) is a problem, and that it’s my job to curtail this problem and stop acting out on it. I may feel a certain way, but that doesn’t make those feelings true.

    I need to be more careful about assuming the worst in my partner, and I need to be better at communicating my feelings more effectively (that’s an entirely different post).

    What to Do Instead of Assuming the Worst

    If you can relate to my story, first, you should try to remember that most people have good intentions. We all act to increase pleasure and avoid pain, and very few people go out with the intention to hurt you. Even when people do hurt you, they are likely still acting with good intentions for themselves rather than bad intention toward you.

    This doesn’t mean you put up with an abuser or a toxic relationship. It means when you are in a relationship with someone who cares but doesn’t always get it right according to your grand plan of the way the world should be, you stop assuming their intentions (especially if they’re negative), you give them the benefit of the doubt, and when in doubt, you ask.

    If you go around assuming the worst about your partner, you’ll get the worst.

    If you assume your partner doesn’t care about you, then you’ll end up with someone who doesn’t care about you.

    If you assume you know what your partner is thinking, think again.

    If you assume your partner knows what you’re thinking, think again.

    We go around assuming everyone else lives in our model of the world, and that’s just ridiculous. You have your childhood, your life experiences, your intelligence, your beliefs, and your emotional make-up, and everyone else has theirs.

    What we need is more compassion and understanding, and less mind reading and negativity.

    The truth is our entire argument (one-sided though it was) was based on a miscommunication and misunderstanding of the facts in evidence. The only true facts were 1. I put sausage out on the counter and 2. He started cutting up the sausage.

    Everything else was a complete assumption on my part.

    So, think about it next time you get upset with your partner. Do the facts support your belief(s), or are you assuming you know how they feel or why they’re acting the way they are? Are you assuming the worst of them, or are you assured that they care but maybe just suck at showing it the way you expect it?

    Only you have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Only you can seek to create a harmonious rather than a contentious relationship.

  • 3 Ways to Stop Obsessing and Start Enjoying More of Your Life

    3 Ways to Stop Obsessing and Start Enjoying More of Your Life

    “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” ~Marcus Aurelius

    I’ve come to realize that worrying and obsessing don’t help or change anything.

    Hold up. Wait a minute!

    Let me rephrase that, because worrying and obsessing do change things. They make your life worse. I think pretty much everyone in the world knows this, but how hard do we try to stop doing these things?

    What If?

    Every day you wake up and you think and obsess and wonder, “What if?”

    What if I lose my job? What if he leaves me? What if I lose everything and end up homeless?

    Day after day your mind spins out of control contemplating all the things that could go wrong with your relationship or your life. On and on and on it goes, and where it stops nobody knows.

    Aren’t you getting tired of thinking all the time? Isn’t obsessing about possibilities wearing you out? At what point do you decide you should stop getting caught up in your thinking, but then actually make a change?

    I’m tired, and I know relentless thinking wears me out. Just to let you know that I understand, I’ll give you an example.

    Honestly, I have the best boyfriend ever (for me anyway) because he doesn’t let a lot of things get him down. I mean, the guy is genuinely happy and content 99% of the time. Me, not so much. He has been through multiple deployments, many of them combat, and still he never lets stuff get to him.

    But, how does this happen? Where can I get some of what he has? This, I have been contemplating.

    I’ve come to realize he feels happy more than I do because he doesn’t overanalyze life, question everything, and obsess about the future. And he probably also doesn’t obsess about how happy he is and how he can be happier!

    Here’s how it goes:

    Me: “Does he even love me? Is he ever going to totally integrate me into his life? Am I too boring for him? I really need to get some hobbies. Am I settling, or do I expect too much? I’m so fussy sometimes and I don’t know how he handles it. Where are we going to move? When is he going to deploy? Where is he going to go? Is he going to leave me here all alone?”

    I look over at him longingly, wondering what’s going through his mind, because it must be something serious and important, and he must be contemplating the fate of our relationship or the existence of the Universe, right?

    He knows when I look at him with that longing look I want to know what he’s thinking about. So, I say, “Tell me, I must know!”

    Him: “I need some new pants.” Or he’ll utter, “I want a key-less ignition for my bike.” Or, the earth-shattering statement, “My feet really stink.”

    It’s possible he’s just not telling me what he’s really thinking, but if he is obsessing like I do, it doesn’t show in how he lives his life.

    The more time I spend with him, the more I realize I’m wasting my life away obsessing about what might be or what could be or what isn’t instead of simply enjoying the moment and living in gratitude for what I have.

    My guy gets all happy and excited about the little things, and for some reason I don’t. I try. So far, I have failed. But, I vow that going forward I will not fail. I will stop obsessing all the time and I will be a lot happier as a result.

    Do you know why you obsess? Is it serving a purpose anymore? If not, you can change it. Here’s how.

    1. You have to want it.

    Are you at the point where you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired yet? If not, keep doing what you’re doing. Maybe obsessing still works for you in some way and you aren’t yet ready to change. That’s okay. We all change when we’re ready, and we get to different points at different times.

    Wanting to change starts with a conscious choice you have to make. At some point you decide that you want to take control of your life instead of letting your life, your history, and your mind control you.

    Think long and hard. Do you truly, really, honestly want to be happier? I believe that I have struggled with this notion for a long time. In my head I want to be happy, but in my heart there’s a seed of doubt.

    Happiness is something I had briefly when I was a small child, but it was shattered by abusive adults. What if I get it back and it gets taken away again? As an adult I know that isn’t logically possible because no one can take away my happiness, but it’s still a lingering fear.

    Do you feel something similar?

    Despite this fear I’ve decided that I want to be happier. I’m running out of time. We’re all running out of time. Your life is ticking away every day, and you never know when it will end.

    Decide you want to enjoy more of your life. Decide you deserve to enjoy more of your life. Decide you will do something to change, and then you will.

    2. You have to rewire your brain.

    This is the hard part. Your mind has been wired a certain way, possibly due to traumatic events, abuse, or neglect. There’s a roadmap that takes you from Point A to Point B, without fail. Before you know it, an innocuous thought like, “Does he really care about me?” has turned into you remembering every instance he showed you he didn’t care (or at least that’s how you interpreted those events), and you have now convinced yourself you should break up.

    See how this works? Often, it isn’t logical, and it isn’t factual. You’re creating stories in your head because your mind is trying to contain and assuage your fears, put them in a box, and allow you to function with the ever-scary “not knowing.”

    The fact of the matter is, you don’t know. You don’t know if your partner will leave you (they might die or cheat or break up with you—or they might stay forever). You don’t know if you’ll die tomorrow. You don’t know if you’ll lose your job or have financial struggles or end up winning the lottery.

    Recognize when you’re obsessing, then decide to accept what you don’t know and stop getting caught up in your thoughts. Do it once. Do it twice. Do it over and over and over until you have a little peace. If meditation helps, then do that. If sitting at the beach or reading a book helps, then do that. Do whatever will help you bring a little peace to your mind.

    Once you’ve created a little space in your head, you have to start believing. When you realize you’ve been wondering, “Does she really care about me?” remind yourself, “She shows she cares about me.” Start believing the good instead of the bad.

    It took me about a year to convince myself that my boyfriend really cared, even though his actions showed he did. He kept showing up and didn’t run away, but still, I had to get over my fear that no man would ever really care about me and they’d only want to use me.

    If your partner doesn’t show they care, then that’s something you need to actively address. Obsessing about something can’t change it. Only action can.

    3. You have to learn to love the little things.

    I know this is hard sometimes. If you feel apathetic or tired or depressed it’s hard to see the good in anything. But every day there are usually little things that happen that could bring you joy, even if for a few minutes.

    Yesterday I went to the beach for a few hours. Being in the sun, feeling the wind, and hearing the ocean brings peace to my soul. I try to do this as often as possible because it reminds me to appreciate being alive.

    Watching him cook breakfast makes me happy. I had to learn to sit back and let someone do something (anything) for me, and now I smile a little every time he whips up some eggs and bacon.

    They have a baby hippo at the zoo. He weighs five hundred pounds, but he bobbles around like a fat, happy, little apple in the water, and watching him makes me happy.

    I decided to buy some flowers to put in our bedroom so I can look at the sunny little yellow bunch every day.

    And I’m thinking we need a dog so I have something else to focus on.

    I’m trying to find simple things to make me happy instead of waiting for some big, giant event or some magical time when life suddenly changes and becomes more fulfilling, because that won’t ever happen. You create your reality, and if you keep waiting for life to happen, it will slowly pass you by.

    What about you? What makes you happy? There must be something you’re grateful for, and if not, find or create something. Do you paint or write? Maybe you like animals and want to volunteer at a shelter. Maybe you need to get out in nature every day even if only for an hour.

    Think of those little things that bring you joy and make sure you do them as often as possible. Try to focus on what’s good in your life, because we can spend all day focusing on what’s wrong or what isn’t working or what could be better, but honestly that doesn’t get us anywhere but into a negative spiral.

    Most importantly, don’t give up if you fall backward. Don’t let the outside world make you feel like you aren’t enough if you aren’t perfect and happy and smiling all the time like everyone else on Instagram. A picture isn’t life, and social media can make you feel like a failure if you let it.

    It’s okay to struggle. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re enough just the way you are, and as long as you keep moving forward and make peace with your journey, you are doing all you can and you should be proud of yourself.

    So, get out there. Stop letting obsessive thoughts control you and start living your life for today!

  • When You Feel Like You’re Going Nowhere and Life Has No Point

    When You Feel Like You’re Going Nowhere and Life Has No Point

    “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~Wayne Dyer

    How many days do you wake up feeling like you’re a hamster on a wheel? You brush your teeth, take a shower, drink your coffee, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch television, go to bed, and rinse and repeat.

    Do you wonder how you can keep going and keep everything together when it feels like you’re doing nothing, going nowhere, and living some life you weren’t meant for?

    Do you ever wonder what to do on those days where you feel like you can’t go on? On days where life seems to have no point? You’re going through the motions, but there is always an empty pit somewhere inside your soul that never seems to fill.

    It seems that no matter how hard you try, you end up in the same spot, in the same position having to start all over again, and your inability to change your messed up emotional patterns starts taking an excruciating toll.

    You wonder and think and read and try to break free from the subconscious battles within your mind, but the negative stranglehold has a strong grip and does not want to release you so easily.

    Maybe the pain has become intolerable, and instead of going away it has continued to eat away at your peace of mind bit by bit. But, then another day dawns and you’re still here and you live to start again.

    I have been in a cycle of rinse and repeat for more years than I care to remember. I have changed jobs at least ten times, apartments and locations twenty-three times, and boyfriends six times. I’ve had the same happy hour and the same weekends and the same soul-searching periods over and over and over again.

    I have tried to change all these external things because I figured changing the outside would change the inside. But like they always say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

    Despite traveling the world, changing jobs, moving, and having relationships, I live my life in a little bubble because I feel safe there, and staying safe means being resistant to any real transformation. It doesn’t matter that I’ve changed my circumstances; the end result is always the same: I feel bored and empty and lost and alone.

    You feel bored and empty and lost and alone because you never really do anything different. Whether you stay stuck because you’re an introvert or you have social anxiety or you’re depressed or you’re lazy doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is, change nothing and nothing will change.

    Look, I get it. I am a tried and true introvert, so developing relationships is exhausting. People think I’m extroverted because I can talk quite a bit one-on-one, but put me in a group and I’ll clam up. I become super anxious at parties or in large groups of people, preferring one-on-one in-depth interactions. Being an introvert makes life a little more challenging in a world that embraces and rewards extroversion.

    So, maybe there are days when you feel like you’re going nowhere and you don’t fit in and life has no point. But, you can change it, even if just a little. There are some little things you can do to change your patterns and your life.

    How Do You Keep Trying?

    First, you get up every damn day and say, “Today is a day for change” and you do your best and face the world, whether you want to or not. Every day you fight for yourself because if you don’t, no one else will. I know it’s hard and I know some days you want to stay in bed with the covers over your head. But, don’t do it. Get up. Go for a walk. Do something. Anything.

    Some days I force myself to get in the car and drive to the beach (okay, it’s only four miles) because I’m so comfortable in my apartment. Every time I get there I’m happy I did. I roll out my towels and read a book while listening to the waves crash, or I walk along the water’s edge watching the sand between my toes and squishing those weird little seaweed blobs.

    Second, you start becoming aware of the negative thought patterns in your mind and how they affect you when you get caught up in them. The truth is, you are reacting to events in your life in a way that is detrimental rather than helpful. Negativity breeds more negativity and keeps you stuck on that hamster wheel.

    I’m not saying it’s easy. I get it. Some days when I’m trying super hard to think positively, my mind says, “Yeah, I don’t care. I am going to feel or think this way anyway, so deal with it.” Some days I simply need to embrace how I feel instead of forcing myself to be positive. But I know I need to eventually shift my mindset or I’ll always be stuck. So, I keep trying. If you can’t change the way you see the world, then the world you see will never change.

    Recently I found myself on the verge of a breakup, a move, a deploying boyfriend, and no job. My head went into a tailspin worrying about what I would do or where I would go and why this was happening. But, with all the work I’ve been doing on myself, I decided to see everything in a new light.

    Maybe this was an opportunity for positive change instead of a devastating loss. I stopped worrying and started believing I would be okay. I was only able to do this because I have been practicing changing my perspective. Think of your mind as a muscle. If you strengthen it and work it out, it becomes stronger. If you let it sit there and wallow in self-pity, it never grows.

    I stopped focusing on the worst-case scenario, and do you know what happened? We didn’t break up. He signed for an apartment us, and I got a job within a week of his departure. I know things won’t always work out how I want them to just because I think positively, but I now believe I will be okay no matter what happens, and that’s making a huge difference.

    The same can be true for you.

    You may face unexpected challenges. We all do. Changing your mindset won’t guarantee that everything will be okay. But it will give you the insight and strength to believe that you will be okay and that you can handle what life dishes up. And it will also help you create a life that feels more fulfilling and less empty.

    The first step in any change is recognition. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Start to notice that you have a negative pattern of thinking that keeps you stuck. I’m guessing you will probably be amazed at how much and how often your mind wanders toward the negative.

    From there, start practicing mindfulness, which basically means you are aware of what you’re thinking, but you don’t get caught up in your thoughts. See if you can separate the negative thoughts from your being. Anyone who has studied meditation will tell you that you can use a technique to distance yourself from your thoughts. Try to place them in a balloon and watch them fly away.

    You are not your thoughts and feelings. You experience thoughts and feelings, but they don’t need to own you. I know this isn’t easy, but it is doable.

    Personally, my mind always sees deficit instead of abundance. Whether this came from years of sexual abuse or family upbringing or genetic coding, I’m not sure, and at this point I don’t really care why. What matters is that I want to change it because it has become exhausting to always be so unsatisfied.

    How Do You Effect All This Change?

    Tony Robbins says that change can happen in an instant, but I think that statement needs a little tweaking. I think the ability to change can happen in an instant. When you decide you want more or you deserve better or you become sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you have now opened the door to change.

    One way to start creating change is to change the words you use to describe how you’re feeling. Our language affects our emotions, and our emotions influence our choices. Tony Robbins offers a 10-Day Challenge that can help with this.

    I love this challenge because it forces you to take a hard, deep look at how you speak to yourself and how you treat yourself daily and even hourly.

    Next, try to cultivate more happiness in your life a little bit at a time. Research has shown that happiness is, in fact, a choice, and although you may have a certain “set point” of happiness, you do have the ability to make yourself happier by doing things like:

    Start meditating.

    Everyone must be spouting the benefits of meditation for a reason, right? Well, studies have shown that meditation can improve our health mentally and physically by reducing stress.

    You don’t have to turn into Buddha and sit under a tree for hours, but even five to ten minutes per day will give you a few moments of insightful reflection and peace. If you’re like me and have a wandering mind, start out with guided meditation because they’ll keep you more focused.

    A few of my favorites are The Honest Guys and Jason Stephenson.

    Begin a gratitude journal.

    Studies have shown that writing down three specific things you are grateful for every day for just twenty-one days will increase your happiness. Tiny Buddha has a great gratitude journal to get you started.

    Volunteer or find a way to help someone.

    Volunteering connects us to other people, and it can give us a sense of purpose. It can also be fun and enjoyable, if you choose something based on your interests, like working with kids in the arts or baking birthday cakes for underprivileged youth. Maybe you love animals but can’t afford one or aren’t home enough to take care of one, but you can take some time to volunteer at an animal shelter and help them find a furever home!

    You can likely find something that interests you at VolunteerMatch.org.

    Get out there and exercise.

    I love endorphins! If you’re type A and have a lot of energy, then the more energy you expend during exercise the happier you’ll be. If you hate the gym (like me), find something you enjoy doing whether it’s walking in the woods, doing yoga in the privacy of your own home, or joining a kayaking team. The options are endless.

    What about becoming a bad-ass by learning Krav Maga or starting martial arts? I mean, who doesn’t want to be as Zen as Bruce Lee?

    Figure out what you’re good at and start doing it.

    We all have strengths, and we feel a lot more fulfilled when we use them instead of sitting around, focusing on our weaknesses. If you’re not sure what your strengths are, take the character strengths survey here.

    Create a social support network.

    They say that people who have at least five strong social connections are the happiest. Many of us feel so lost and alone because we have Facebook connections, but no real or genuine face-to-face interactions with friends on a regular basis. If you’re an introvert it will be hard and you’ll have to work at it, but the reward will be worth it. Meetup is a great place to start.

    Write or scrapbook or create something.

    Being creative opens your mind to new experiences and new possibilities. Color in an adult color book, start a blog, knit, crochet, sculpt or paint, write a children’s book, or journal every night. Medium.com will allow you to publish your writing without starting a formal blog. Get your mind engaged in anything other than thinking!

    —

    Don’t try to do everything at once or you’ll likely become overwhelmed and feel like you’re failing. Pick one thing and do it for a week or ten days, then maybe add another and so on. Every little thing you add will build up like pebbles of sand on the beach, and over time you will have created something beautiful.

    We live in a society that wants immediate gratification, and when we don’t get it we tend to give up and move onto something else and blame the activity for not making us happy. Give it some time, be kind to yourself, take it a step at a time, and slowly you will see progress.

    If you struggle with something you’ve decided to start, shift your focus to one of the other ideas instead of being hard on yourself.

    Example: I signed up for a self-defense class to see if I wanted to join. Of course, I cancelled it before going. I told myself I wasn’t sure if I could afford it right now and I should wait. In part this is true, but in part I dreaded going to the class. However, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’ll try some other things right now and then I’ll put myself back out there and try again.

    For now, I re-started meditation, which allows me a few moments to reflect and set new intentions. I’ve also started writing more, which provides a creative outlet and gives me a sense of accomplishment.

    Beyond that, I’m keeping a gratitude journal and started a new exercise program. The gratitude journal is great for helping you focus on the positive rather than the negative, and exercise is a general stress reliever. I’m taking baby steps, and when I’m ready I’ll try something more social. It’s okay to go at your own pace.

    Regardless of what you choose, the point is to live more in the world and less in your head. Just try it.

    I promise there won’t be a day where you say, “Jeez, I wish I didn’t exercise” or “I wish I didn’t go for a walk” or “Helping someone really sucked.” But I guarantee if you don’t do anything you will regret it, and you will wake up one day wondering where your life went and how you got to the place you are. And that, my friend, is not what you want.

    On this day you can choose life. You can choose a new path and things can change.

  • How to Keep Going When You Want To Give Up on Life

    How to Keep Going When You Want To Give Up on Life

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post references suicidal thoughts and may be triggering to some people.

    Since my first post on Tiny Buddha entitled “Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either,” I’ve been doing amazingly well. I thought I had this suicide stuff in the bag. I thought it lived in the past. I thought it was no longer a part of me.

    I thought I had found my way forward and that I would never feel that way again. I thought my suicidal ideation was a historical part of my existence.

    I was wrong.

    Tonight, I sat in the bath watching the water trickle down from the faucet and all I could think was how easy it would be to watch the blood trickle down my arms into the water instead.

    I thought of how easy it would be to drift away into nothingness. I thought of how easy it would be to not have to get up every morning to face another day of emptiness. I thought of the peace I would have if I were no longer afraid all the time and how wonderful it would be to be free from the prison of my mind.

    Sometimes, I long for this.

    Sometimes, I long for death.

    I do not long for death itself, being cold and distant and immovable.

    But I sometimes long for something other than what I am. I long for a feeling of safety and security. I long to feel loved and cherished, not used and abused.

    I long to feel anything that is something more than the nothing I feel right now.

    What Do You Want?

    I know what you want. I want it too. You want someone to love you, someone to care, someone to tell you everything will be okay.

    You want someone to tell you that even if you aren’t perfect, you’re enough just as you are.

    You want your parents to put your needs ahead of their own, because that’s what loving parents do. You want those adults who abused you to think twice before they steal your innocence and your ability to feel.

    What you want is for the past to never have existed, and what you want is impossible.

    I know what you want.

    You want someone to care, and it seems as if there is no amount of caring that will fill the empty hole in your heart, and no matter how hard you try to fill it up yourself it only goes halfway and then starts slipping back to empty.

    Every day is a struggle to survive. Every day you wake up and wonder, “How much longer can I go on?”

    The emptiness that fills your heart and your soul begins to take over your rationality.

    At some point the things that kept you going have become meaningless. The life you have lived for so many years was just a struggle to survive.

    Today you are at a point where nothing means anything. You aren’t even in pain. You feel nothing. You want to give up. You want to no longer exist. You want to stop being.

    The endless negative thoughts swirl around in your brain compelling you to end everything. The hope for the future subsides to a dulling ache keeping you going every day.

    You stare at the television knowing you are wasting your life, but are incapable to get off the couch and get outside.

    Yet, you keep going. Why is this?

    Why You Shouldn’t Give Up

    I don’t know why I don’t give up sometimes. Most days I want to give up. But the human spirit is powerful. The desire to live is a strongly held need that keeps you in this world.

    There is only one reason I don’t give up.

    There is only one reason I don’t spend all my money, write out my will, and deliberately plan my death.

    There is only one belief that sits in the back of my mind that keeps me going day after day.

    What is that belief you ask?

    Hope.

    There is always something that I hope for. I hope for change. I hope for strength. I hope for love. I hope for caring. I hope that things won’t always be as they have been.

    Hope, my friends, is the only thing keeping me, and probably you, alive.

    What does hope mean? To me hope means not giving up. It means constantly seeking a new way. It means looking deep inside to find what exactly it is that seems lacking.

    What About Now?

    I can’t promise you things will change tomorrow.

    I can’t promise you that your self-serving parents will suddenly see the light and give you what you need.

    I can’t promise you that you will stop choosing the wrong partner or that magically things will be better.

    There are so many days when I believe that all is lost and want to give up, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel stupid for not being happy for what I have.

    I want to be enough.

    I want to feel enough.

    I want to thrive, not just survive.

    So, for now I make it through the day. For now, I do the best I can do. I wake up every day and realize I need to change something and I realize that at some point it will change.

    That, my friend, is enough. Believing that something will change is sometimes enough.

    Because, “This too shall pass.”

    Because There Is Always Tomorrow

    How do I know “this too shall pass”? I know because feelings and circumstances always change. Change is the nature of life.

    The day after I wrote this and while I was going through the editing process I called my doctor to see if maybe it’s time to get back on some medication. I was feeling despondent and knew something needed to change. Of course, they couldn’t get me in for another month.

    So, where could I go? What else could I do? My answer to myself: search Google, of course. I started looking up a bunch of topics that I needed to work on that were related to relationships, love, and happiness.

    I came across a relationship coach who seemed to get exactly what it was that I needed at the moment. I watched a series of videos. Although I had heard all the things he spoke of before, for some reason everything resonated more deeply than usual.

    I needed someone who would not just tell me that I am enough (intellectually I know this) but would give me the tools to help me believe that I am enough and keep me from falling back into the abyss of negative thinking that I tend to fall into.

    When we are ready to hear, the message comes.

    I booked a session with him and when we spoke everything became clear. I finally grasped the complex nature of how one can go through life without loving and accepting one’s self and how your fears can limit your existence.

    You may not realize it, but you may actually fear being happy and you may keep thinking negative thoughts as a means to protect yourself. I realized that I had to stop my negative thinking and that no one can make me feel whole and loved and valued if I don’t truly love and value myself.

    I realized I am still looking for someone to save me or for someone to validate me so I can feel whole, and guess what? It stops today.

    I just decided. I decided that it was time to show up for myself fully and completely and stop delegating away my needs for others to fill like an empty vessel.

    If you don’t give up hope and keep looking for help and reaching out to others, you will eventually find the people, tools, and resources that you need to heal.

    I do it over and over and I’ll do it again. If I can do it, so can you.

  • Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    “I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ~John Lennon

    After doing years and years of self-esteem work, I thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I thought I was fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But all that changed when I got into my recent relationship.

    My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping in. Again? Seriously? I thought I was past all that.

    As it turns out my attachment disorder runs much deeper than I thought it did. What about yours? I mentioned attachment theory in one of my previous posts, but to elaborate…

    Are You Insecure?

    Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s. This is an evolutionary theory of attachment, which suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others (caregivers) because this allows them to survive, and the way in which you attach during childhood becomes the prototype for all future attachments.

    Bowldy asserts that there are three fundamental types of attachments which include secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment.

    If you are secure, you probably aren’t reading this. Someone who is securely attached had a parent who was fairly stable and secure in meeting their needs. Because of this, as they become adults they assume other adults will meet their needs, so they do not suffer from relationship anxiety.

    Secure individuals tend to be happier and more content in their relationships because they are acting and reacting from a secure place, which allows each partner to move freely within the world. They’re able to offer support to their partners and are more open and honest in their interactions

    If you are avoidant, you may or not be reading this because often those who avoid intimacy often avoid introspection. If you are avoidant, you keep people at a distance and believe that you don’t really need others to exist in the world. Those who are avoidantly attached had a parent who was not really attentive to their needs, so the child learned to just avoid seeking reassurance.

    Avoidant individuals tend to emotionally distance themselves from a partner. They believe they are better off alone (even if in a relationship) and live in an internal world where their needs are most important. Even avoidant individuals need connection, but when their partner looks to them for comfort they turn off their feelings and fail to react.

    However, if you are at all anxious or insecurely attached, like I am, you are probably going to read this and say, “A Ha!” and a light bulb may even go off over your head. If you are anxiously attached, then you feel anxiety when your partner is separated from you or you do not feel emotionally reassured by them.

    Anxious attachment derives from a parent who was emotionally and/or physically unavailable, non-responsive, and/or possibly intrusive.

    People with anxious attachment are desperate to form a bond, but don’t actually trust their partner to meet their needs, so when their partner fails to assuage every emotion they have, they blame their partner or become jealous or critical. This often prompts their partner to distance themselves, thereby reinforcing their belief that they are not lovable.

    Anxiously attached individuals continually seek external validation, as if still looking to that parent to soothe them and make them feel secure in the world. The problem with this is that it’s too much of burden for a romantic partner to carry and it isn’t their job.

    Let’s Focus

    I’m going to focus on anxious attachment and especially pre-occupied anxious attachment.

    Let me ask this:

    Are you pre-occupied with what you are or are not getting from your partner?

    Are you self-critical?

    Do you constantly seek approval and reassurance?

    If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, do you blame or become upset?

    Do you always anticipate your partner rejecting you, losing interest, or abandoning you?

    Do you continually worry and obsess and not really trust them? If so, this is you.

    This is me.

    I have known that I was anxious for a while now and I have known and read about attachment theory, but I never really understood the depths to which it had inhabited my life, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I can’t explain why, but suddenly it all became so clear.

    I don’t recall my infant years, but I do recall that when I turned four or five my mom pretty much left me alone. I could walk and talk and feed myself. She had things to do. I started playing next door at the neighbor’s house. He had toys and games and a swing. He had a hopscotch and candy and wood-making tools. We played. He paid attention to me. He also molested me.

    When I was eight or so, my mom went back to work and left my sister and me alone. A friend of the family started coming over while she was gone. He also molested me.

    But what does the molestation have to do with the attachment, you ask? I never really got it until now. Being left alone and being ignored by someone who was supposed to care for me literally put me in physical and emotional danger.

    So, every time I get into a romantic relationship and I start to feel ignored (whether imagined or real), I freak out. I start to get palpitations. My brain starts to flood with thoughts and emotions. I start seeking reassurance.

    For years I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.

    What I didn’t realize is that you can’t do that. There is a thing called “primal panic,” which sets in when you are anxiously attached and not getting your needs met. What I didn’t know or understand is that when I feel ignored, my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in order to protect itself. My brain believes it’s going to be taken advantage again and my body starts reacting.

    Although I can logically understand this is not true, my brain does not subconsciously know it to be true and reacts accordingly.

    What Happened

    What this meant was that every infraction from my partner, every sense of injustice, every wrong step or every interpretation of a wrongdoing, no matter how slight, I met with a intolerability that I had no idea I was even imposing on my partner.

    I would be so preoccupied with feeling better and getting them to make me feel better that I’d spend all my time and energy obsessing about how to get my needs met. And if they weren’t met properly, I would blame them and start to label them “untrustworthy.”

    Think about it. If you haven’t heard from your partner in a day or so, do you automatically start thinking, “He/she doesn’t love me,” or “I knew he/she would do this,” or “I knew this would happen again”? Do you constantly think about what your partner isn’t giving you and what you aren’t getting?

    Do you become calm and happy when your partner reassures you only to become anxious and insecure the minute you feel something is off or you feel you are being ignored or disrespected?

    All of these things were (okay, sometimes still are) me in a nutshell.

    The problem with all these feelings and behaviors is that they keep you from realizing true intimacy because you are living in fear and anxiety, and you may not even consciously realize it. You are living as if you are still that child who’s going to get hurt. But, guess what? You aren’t.

    How to Fix It

    Once I realized how this pattern was affecting my life, I knew I had to change it but I wasn’t sure how. I started doing some research. I read a few books including Insecure in Love.

    One day I woke up and it had been two days since I had heard from my boyfriend. My body started going into panic mode. Where was he? Doesn’t he care? How can he do this? Maybe I should just leave him. My body and mind were going into panic mode. Anxiety set in. What should I do?

    I tried some meditation but I couldn’t stop thinking and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?

    As I sat there and began to go deeper into the true meaning of my anxiety, I realized that I was literally feeling scared that someone would come hurt me. I was scared of being physically and emotionally alone and having no one there to rescue me. I realized that his ignoring me had triggered this subconscious belief that I’ve been holding onto that I never knew was there.

    Then, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was actually really petrified. Then, I told myself, “You’re okay. You will be okay. You are not there anymore. You are safe.” I cried and I reassured myself, and when I stopped and it was over the anxiety had lifted.

    I had faced my fears. I had felt my pain and I had released it. I don’t think it will be gone forever, but it is gone for today and that is a good start.

    Keep Trying

    I thought I had dealt with all of this anxiety and insecurity stuff. I thought it was gone and buried. I thought I had made inroads into my new relationship and that because I had attracted a seemingly secure individual, it meant I was all better. Surprise! Insecurity was still running my life.

    But, once I realized this to be true I made a vow that I would do whatever it takes to beat this insecurity over the head and run it out of my life.

    I realized that if I kept going the way I was I would eventually push every boyfriend out of my life, and that I would never find a partner I was happy and content with. The truth can hurt.

    I also realized that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean or insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. I have a biological response to a real experience. I learned this coping mechanism to help me survive and it did its job, but its time has come and it needs to retire.

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it? It isn’t their job to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, they can and should support you and be encouraging, but you have to learn to support and encourage yourself.

    If you want to find true love you have to learn to love yourself, as cheesy as that sounds, and if you are anxiously attached you also have to learn to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and comfort yourself. The past is over and you cannot change it, but the future has not yet occurred.

    Do you want to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend? You decide. I know my answer.

  • 4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness and Overcome Hedonic Adaptation

    4 Ways to Boost Your Happiness and Overcome Hedonic Adaptation

    “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    One of the biggest challenges in life seems to be the attainment of happiness. Everyone wants to be happy (or so they say). But what does happiness truly mean, and how do we not only find it, but embrace and maintain it?

    Researchers have come to the conclusion that happiness has three separate elements. First, there’s the amount of happiness you are genetically predisposed to have, which accounts for about 50%.

    Studies were done on identical twins who were raised together and on some who were raised apart. The researchers discovered that their happiness levels were extremely similar despite complete differences in rearing and environment.

    In her book, The How of Happiness, Author Sonya Lyubomirsky calls this the “happiness set point.”

    The second element of happiness is life circumstance, which makes up about 10%. These are the things that occur that you cannot control, including such things as gender, age, where you grew up, ethnicity, relationship status, occupation, neighborhood, and health.

    Studies have shown that life circumstance only accounts for 10% of our happiness, which means whether you are a garbage man or a millionaire developer, it won’t really impact your happiness level all that much.

    In fact, you would probably be surprised to hear that many African societies that live in extreme poverty are some of the happiest. They’re happier because they have a sense of community, and a sense of community is not tied to material wealth, status, or possessions.

    The third element of happiness is what we do and how we think. This element accounts for 40% of our happiness, and is really the only element we have control over. What this means is that our intentional activities and strategies we take to achieve our goals can seriously influence our happiness.

    The biggest problem we face with intentional activity and thought is a little thing called hedonic adaptation. Humans are fickle, and unfortunately, when wonderful, amazing things happen to us, the newness of it slowly wears off and we become immune to whatever it was that brought us that new form of happiness.

    For example, if you buy a new home with stunning views of the ocean, and every morning you wake up and sit on your patio having a cappuccino or watching the dolphins frolic in the water, slowly the scene won’t appear as beautiful. You will become accustomed to the sites and sounds, and sitting outside every morning won’t bring the same pleasure.

    We can’t change our set point any more than we can change the color of our eyes or hair (not withstanding contacts or hair dye!), and life circumstances will usually be dependent on our upbringing, so it can take time to change them.

    However, we can fight hedonic adaptation and increase our happiness levels by making proactive choices for joy every day.

    If you don’t wake up and choose to remind yourself that you are lucky to have spectacular views, then the joy you get from that activity will fade. On the other hand, if you choose to wake up every day and think, “Wow, I’m lucky” it creates a positive reinforcement in your mind and will help increase or maintain your happiness levels.

    Everyone is different and there are a number of things you can do to increase your happiness. Here are four that seem to work for me.

    1. Stop worrying; focus on the now.

    Eckhart Tolle believes that one of the main causes for unhappiness is the fact that we live in or obsess about the future or the past. He says:

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.”

    “It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up.”

    “The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.”

    How many days and weeks and hours have you spent ruminating about what could have been or what might be, all the things you need to do, or all the things you should have done? If you’re at all like me I’m sure that answer is way too many.

    This is wasted time, wasted life, and wasted energy. The only moment that matters is right now.

    When I left my job and started working on my own business I began obsessing about the outcome. Would I get clients? Would I be any good at this? What if I suck? What if no one cares what I have to say? What if I run out of money?

    Luckily, I had a life coach who helped keep me on track, and eventually I realized I was wasting my thoughts on things that may or may not happen, but that did not influence me in the present. The only thing I could control was what I was doing at the moment. If I am moving toward my goal and taking little steps forward, then I needed to stop worrying and let it be enough.

    2. Meditate.

    Nearly everyone extols the benefits of meditation, and I have to agree. Meditation can help you stay in the present and calm your mind, even if only for a few minutes a day.

    Meditation is renowned for reducing stress, improving concentration, slowing aging, encouraging a healthy lifestyle, and increasing self-awareness. Meditation is a very centering practice. It allows you to focus on the core of who you are and what you believe without all the conflicting, self-effacing thoughts that can run through the mind.

    If you have problems with concentration, try guided meditations. There is no right or wrong way to meditate. Take it slowly and do what works for you. What is most important is making it a part of your daily life as much as you can.

    3. Develop strategies for coping.

    We live in a stressful time in so many ways: politically, economically, and emotionally. We are connected and disconnected at the same time. If you focus on all the bad that is going on, you certainly are going to be a bit stressed and depressed.

    Start off by focusing on what you can control and let go of those things you can’t.

    As we speak they are demolishing the building across from me, which requires eight hours of jackhammering and bulldozing, six days a week.

    It is extremely stressful, noisy, and discomforting, but they are huge developers and there’s really nothing I can do unless I want to pay a massive amount of money to get out of my lease. So, I have to find ways to cope with the stress of this activity rather than just become frustrated all the time.

    One of the ways I cope with stress is to write. Writing is a huge source of stress relief. Some people like to garden. Some enjoy working out or reading or hiking, or social activities like playing pool or even just taking a bath and relaxing in a hot tub.

    Everyone is different. Think of something that will take you away from the stress and strains of your day and will help you cope. If you are unhappy with your job it won’t do any good to keep complaining about it. What will help is creating an exit plan and starting to research and apply for new jobs, or maybe considering going back to school

    Focus on those things you can change and what you can do to make your day, your life, and your existence less stressful. Can you carpool instead of commuting? Can you ask your husband to take the kids for one night so you can have girl time? Do you need a “guy weekend”? There is nothing wrong with asking to get your needs met.

    4. Invest in real-time connections.

    As I mentioned earlier, some of the happiest places in the world are those that live and exist within a community. Each is a member of a whole and they seek to help one another. I believe having connections with other human beings is one of the main reasons we exist and is a huge factor in the derivation of happiness.

    Researcher Brené Brown says, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

    Brené has spent her life studying vulnerability and connection, and she believes that in order to gain a deeper purpose and more meaningful life, we need to become vulnerable with others. I tend to agree with her.

    In order to be vulnerable you have to connect, and I don’t mean trading pithy comments on Facebook; I mean truly connect. True connection means to understand, accept, and hear someone and to allow yourself to be understood and heard and accepted.

    How can you do this? Start with people who are already in your life that you think you can forge a deeper bond with, or join a new social group that revolves around an activity that you like. Take up bowling or attend meditation classes. Seek out those who are interested in similar pursuits and it will be easier to form an initial connection. What you do from there is up to you. The world is open.

    These may sound like generic answers to a really big problem, and maybe they are, but they’re a good start.

    Take out a pen and paper or start typing. Make a list of a few things you can do every day to apply this advice—what might help you stop worrying, when you can make time to meditate, which strategies help you cope with stress, and how you can invest in real-time connections. Then do what you’ve written.

    Try these four things for thirty days and see if you feel any differently. If you don’t, try another thirty days or move on to a new strategy. What matters isn’t whether you win or lose or succeed or fail but that you showed up every day and you did your best. Life is a journey, not a race to the end.

  • How To Overcome Insecurity and Change Your Negative Relationship Patterns

    How To Overcome Insecurity and Change Your Negative Relationship Patterns

    “Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.” ~Unknown

    After nearly a year of being single and after going through my fifth breakup, I found myself involved with someone new.

    It was the typical guy-meets-girl story you read about all over the Internet. We met for dinner and drinks and there was an immediate attraction. We laughed and talked and overall had a great night. By the second date, he stayed the night at my house and didn’t leave for four days.

    This time I felt I was more prepared. I had studied relationships. I had learned about communicating. I was sure I was going to get my needs met and everything would be perfect.

    I thought I was changed and that meant everything would be different this time. Surprise! Life doesn’t work that way.

    I’m not sure I noticed it at the time, but I was still feeling a little insecure and unsure and wasn’t ready to let go of my fears. I made sure to continually tell him what I wanted and needed in a relationship. Little by little, I was pushing my agenda on him.

    Naturally, he started to back away. I don’t think he even knew why and I certainly didn’t know either. I only knew I was feeling out of control and was perpetually pissed at him for being a jerk.

    Slowly, we stopped spending all weekend together. He wasn’t coming over after work as often. His texts were more sporadic. Then, one Friday went by with not a word. Then a Saturday and then Sunday went by. It had been three whole days with no text, no call, no plans, no nothing.

    Who did this guy think I was? Didn’t I deserve some sort of contact? What was I to do? Certainly this behavior was not acceptable!

    The Breakup

    So I cried and blamed him and told myself I had chosen wrong again, and that I wouldn’t be put in a position of feeling “less than.” Then I texted him out of the blue with the words, “Don’t ever call me again.”

    I thought this was the totally mature way to handle things and that I was only “protecting myself.” I was, right? Wrong.

    I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had done. I felt awful. I knew what I had written wasn’t what I wanted to say or what I felt. I realized that yet again I was acting out of fear, and if I wanted to change my patterns, I had to change myself.

    I wanted him to be wrong, but I realized he wasn’t and that he was just reacting to me.

    I also realized that I was the only one who could change my world, so I did. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and read some more. I realized that my style of communication was still failing, and that if I wanted things to change with him, they had to change with me.

    So after about two weeks I called him and apologized for the way I ended things. I told him I’d reacted out of fear and that I was confused and scared and didn’t know what else to do. I knew that in addition to apologizing I had to change my patterns of interacting with him.

    This time, instead of making everything about me and my wants and needs and fears, I began to take an interest in him and his life. I completely put myself aside (for the moment) because I knew that if I wanted a different result, I had to try a different path.

    Go Slowly

    First off, I went slowly. I let him contact me at his own pace. He had to feel comfortable with talking to me again and realize I wasn’t going to freak out or push some needy agenda on him.

    I had to learn to calm myself, which is something I thought I had already done, but apparently I had more work to do.

    Oftentimes we reach out to others in the expectation that if they respond correctly, we’ll be reassured of our worthiness. Don’t let someone else dictate how you feel about yourself. If someone calls or doesn’t call or texts or doesn’t text, you need to be okay with it and realize the world won’t end.

    Have some patience (which is hard for many of us), and try and sit back and enjoy every moment of the conversations or time together you do have. Stop living in the past or the future. Be present and go slowly. Life is not a race to the end, but a journey with laughter and love and joy and pain all along the way, and you can’t escape any of it, so stop trying.

    Listen

    Secondly, I listened. I listened to what was going on in his life and asked questions. I took an interest in the struggles he was having and was sincerely concerned and understanding.

    If you want to know someone and want them in your life, listen to them. They don’t need to know your entire story right off the bat, (It’s been four months and he doesn’t know mine).

    People are generally egoistic, and showing your potential partner that you want to know about them, what moves them, what motivates them, and what type of person they are will go a long way.

    I’m not saying you should listen with a goal in mind. Don’t think to yourself, “Aha, if I listen to him or her, he/she will want to be with me.” Listen because you care. Listen because the world doesn’t revolve around you and your needs all the time.

    Human beings are amazing creatures, and every single one of us has different fears, needs, and desires. The more time you invest in understanding your potential or current partner, the more you will get in return.

    Stop Assuming You Know

    Thirdly, I learned how to stop assuming and start asking. Never assume how someone feels. Never assume what they want or what they need.

    Some days we would be in the middle of texting and he would suddenly *poof* disappear. I was left confused and irritated.

    The next time it happened, instead of assuming he didn’t want to talk to me or he didn’t care (which is what I would normally do), I asked him about it and he told me why it happens. And of course it had nothing to do with me. Victory!

    Instead of saying nothing, I said, “I’m trying to understand you, and sometimes when we’re in the middle of talking and you suddenly disappear. Why is that?”

    I asked because I truly wanted to understand. I didn’t blame him. It took a lot of courage to ask, as I normally just make up answers in my head and put up walls, so I was really proud of myself for doing it.

    Most of us tend to jump to conclusions about how others feel because we view the world through our tinted lenses. This is fairly normal, but it can lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and anger if you do it all the time. Try to step outside yourself and see how others may perceive you or perceive the world.

    When you ask someone a question, come from a place of love and wanting to understand, not from a place of blame or frustration. Be straightforward and say, “I’m trying to understand you better. When xxxx happens I am often confused, and I’m wondering if you could explain it to me.”

    When you want to share your feelings or communicate what is going on with you try not to say, “You make me feel x, y, z when you do x, y z.”

    People don’t make you feel anything to you. Their actions may trigger certain feelings, based on how you interpret them, but it’s also possible you are already feeling depressed or anxious or lonely or scared, and only think the other person is making you feel that way.

    We all choose what we believe and how we interpret the things other people do, and those beliefs and interpretations create our feelings. The other person can’t possibly know what’s going on in your head unless you explain to them that you have these insecurities and that it isn’t their fault, but you want them to know.

    When you come from a place of insecurity, you will often project blame onto the other person when it’s possible that what they did or said had no negative connotation whatsoever.

    Sometimes people are clueless, sometimes thoughtless, sometimes self-absorbed, but most of the time their intention isn’t to hurt your feelings. Try to remember this before you speak.

    Learn to Communicate From Love

    Love and intimacy are scary. There are days when I still struggle with whether he cares, and I suddenly go quiet and retreat into my world.

    My natural reaction when I’m falling in love is to want to run, and run fast. I want to put up walls and let the other person try to climb over them, as I’m sure many of you do as well. I’m sure you also know this isn’t remotely healthy and is only a protective mechanism.

    Communicating from love means letting down your walls, even if just a little, and accepting the possibility of being hurt.

    One day I was talking to him about my blog and how it means a lot to me when people are thankful for what I write or appreciative of my stories. Because he was playing on his computer and didn’t seem to be listening, I felt unimportant.

    I became quiet. My plan was to say nothing. I assumed he just didn’t care to listen. My old patterns were creeping back in. However, this time I realized that if I want to keep moving forward and keep changing, I had to share my feelings instead of running inside myself.

    I know that most of my fears of not feeling important stem from my childhood and my issues, and it isn’t fair to push them on him. I told him, “Sometimes I don’t feel important to you.” Just saying it was a relief.

    I could tell he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. He said, “Of course you’re important and I care about what you have to say.” I realized in that moment the fears I had were my own and weren’t rooted in any truth.

    It can feel monumentally scary and overwhelming to share even little fears, but if you do it in a way that shows your vulnerability and if you are with someone who has any capacity to love, then you will be amazed at the results you get.

    In the End

    By doing all those things I mentioned above, I changed my relationship. When I gave to him he gave back. The more I put out the more I got in return. I stopped making the entire relationship about me. Everything has changed, and it’s all because I chose to change it.

    Remember that in the end you have no control over anyone but yourself. If you want or need something, stop looking to the other person to give it to you and start looking to yourself.

    You can change your life and your relationship patterns. It may not happen overnight and it may not be as fast as you want, but have some faith and keep moving forward. Love will happen.

  • Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

    Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?

    Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy, but you kept saying, “But I love him/her. Isn’t that enough?”

    I know how it feels to believe this. I have felt this more times than I care to admit. The worst was when I fell in love with my ex-husband. He was twelve years my junior, from another country (Greece), and barely spoke English.

    Our souls connected immediately, and I fell in love with him. What was I thinking? We had nothing in common. He was not ready financially or emotionally. We could not communicate. Our cultures were different. But I was in love, and shouldn’t that have been enough?

    It wasn’t only my ex-husband that I had this problem with. Every relationship I’ve had was fatally flawed. They weren’t flawed because I chose bad, evil men. They were flawed because I fell in love with character and not with our compatibility or their ability to contribute to my happiness.

    I fell in love with these men because of who they were, not how they made me feel. Yes, they were kind. Yes, they were ethical. Yes, they were attractive. But not one of them really listened to me. Not one of them treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.

    Still, I stayed. I kept trying and trying. I kept thinking that if I were enough they would care more. I kept thinking if I gave more they would understand I was doing everything to make them happy, and in return they would want to make me happy.

    I stayed hoping some miracle of all miracles would happen, because I loved them and shouldn’t love be enough?

    Unfortunately, it isn’t. It never will be. Just loving someone isn’t enough.

    So, whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world, ask yourself these things before you settle down.

    1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?

    When you’re around them do you feel content and accepted, or do you feel anxious and misunderstood? Sometimes our relationships can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so be careful not to push your judgment of yourself onto your partner.

    Determine whether these feelings arise out of their treatment of you, or whether they are insecurities you have no matter who you are with.

    Some people are just a better match for us than others. I’m someone who likes to talk and connect on a deep, emotional level. Unfortunately, I have a habit of choosing partners who don’t like to talk and don’t like to connect, so I always end up feeling alone and misunderstood. There was nothing wrong with them; we just weren’t a good match.

    2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?

    When you tell your partner something is important to you, how do they react? If you tell your partner, “I really need to spend quality time with you because it makes me feel special,” and they don’t understand what that means and don’t want to know, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

    Relationships take two equal parts. If you make your partner’s needs important, then your partner has to do the same or you are in a lopsided relationship and you will never be fulfilled.

    I remember one time I came home from an extremely stressful week/month at work, and I really needed to vent. I started talking to my then husband. To this day I remember him saying to me, “Carrie. Carrie. I am not your girlfriend. If you want to talk, call Tracy.”

    What could I do with that? If my own husband doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t care about my day or that I’m stressed, where can we go? Yes, you can guess where we went. We went to divorce court.

    3. Are their core values in line with mine?

    We all have core principles and values that we live by. These are different for each of us. However, if your partner does not have the same values you have, then there is likely to be trouble in paradise as time marches on. Core values are things you must have in a partner.

    Core values include:

    • Religion
    • The desire to have children
    • How you deal with money
    • Integrity
    • Fidelity
    • Family
    • Health

    For example, I’m insanely ethical. I was born this way. I can’t explain it. No one wants a cheater or a liar, but many times people cheat and lie and explain it away or justify it. This is completely incompatible with my sense of self, and something I could never accept in a partner. I was drawn to my last boyfriend because of his ethical principles. He was highly actuated in this area and it made me extremely attracted to him because of it.

    Some of these things change over time, and sometimes not. Some people can become more religious or decide they want children. It is possible to change the way you view and handle money.

    Deeply ingrained core values are not likely to change. If the person you are with is not family-oriented and doesn’t want to be, and you have a huge conflict, you are setting yourself up for trouble. If you want children and s/he doesn’t and never will, then stop trying to make it something it isn’t just because you love him.

    4. Do they want to know me? The real me?

    I believe everyone has different comfort levels in regard to vulnerability. Some people crave intense emotional intimacy, and some do not.

    My parents were married for thirty-four years, and I often wonder how much they really knew each other. They were happy and content, but at times it seemed like a surface relationship because neither was willing to show the other their true self. I don’t judge them because that is what they were capable of. For me though, I want and need more.

    Are you capable of showing your partner who you really are on your darkest days? Do they want to know? Do you feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality or whatever your personality traits are?

    If not, then you may be left perpetually dissatisfied, and over time the relationship will probably erode itself away, or you will be drawn to someone else you think does want to know you and does accept you. Honestly, this is probably where most affairs start.

    5. Is my life better with them in it?

    Is your partner an asset or a hindrance? Do they support you or suck the life out of you? Do they want you to reach your goals and your dreams, or do they put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything?

    A partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, and if they aren’t put them on the bench and find a new player. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it. What it means is you should feel content and supported and loved with this person in your life.

    Days should not be filled with angst, fights, conflict, or division. If your days are not happy the majority of the time, then ask yourself why. What are you contributing to the unhappiness? Fix your side of the street and see if anything changes. If not, you may need to rethink why you are with them.

    What Do I Want?

    Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them in one month. Ask them in six months. Ask them in six years. As much as you love them, and as much as you think they may love you, if they can’t meet your needs, and don’t want to meet them, then you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life.

    There are many wonderful, kind people out there, but that doesn’t make them right for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them.

    Don’t waste years on someone because “you love them.” Every day is a choice. Choose your own happiness, and in doing so you will choose love rather than it choosing you.

  • 4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    4 Things You Need to Know to Have a Strong, Healthy Relationship

    Senior couple walking on the beach

    “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.“ ~T. Tolis

    Relationships are not always easy. If you lack the tools to engage properly with a partner and cannot show up in a healthy way, you will find your relationship is ten times harder and most likely prone to failure.

    I wish I had known these things when I first started dating, as it would have made my life much easier.

    If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must know the following:

    1. How to communicate effectively

    My first love and I were together for four years, and our relationship failed because we could not communicate. I didn’t know how to express myself effectively, and I blamed him for all our problems. I never stopped to think about my part in everything and how I was failing to meet his needs.

    One of the major obstacles couples face, if not the major obstacle, is the ability to communicate properly. I don’t mean talk. I mean communicate. What we often fail to realize is that we talk at each other rather than listening and hearing and trying to understand. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can communicate.

    Communicating means you understand are able to express your needs in a way that can be understood by your partner, and that you try your hardest to understand them and their needs.

    Next time you are with your partner and they are talking, try listening. Sit and listen, and do not try to think of the next thing you are going to say or how you are going to contradict what they are saying. When people feel heard they will be more open to listening to what you have to say.

    If you cannot understand or refuse to try to understand what your partner needs because you are too focused on getting your point across and making sure you are understood, then you are talking and not communicating.

    Do you and your partner talk at each other? Do you always feel the need to be right and win the argument? Even if you win the argument you could lose something much more valuable. Although you may be winning the battle, you will be losing the war.

    It is a known fact that men and women communicate differently. The sooner we all accept this the easier it will be to stop being so frustrated and learn to understand each other.

    Throughout history men and women have had to adapt differently, hence a difference in communication styles.

    Studies have shown that women are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time while men can only use one side at a time. Men are protectors and providers, and their mode of communication is silent problem solving, whereas women are nurturers and we have learned to cope through talking and sharing of experiences.

    There is so much that can be said on this topic, as it’s one of the main reasons relationships fail. Learning how to communicate with your partner will not only serve your relationship, but it will serve you in the workplace and in all human interactions.

    One of my favorite sayings is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

    A couple of great resources for anyone who wants to learn how to communicate within a couple are John Gray’s books Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus and Couple Skills.

    2. Your love language

    In 1995 Gary Chapman, PhD wrote a book asserting that there are five love languages. He insisted that if you and your partner speak different languages, there will be constant dissatisfaction and unhappiness in your relationship.

    If you are lucky enough to meet someone that has the same love language as you, then great! But, if you do not know your own language and it differs from your partner, how can they know how to make you happy, and vice versa?

    On the other hand, if you don’t know your partner’s love language, how can you make them happy? If theirs is touch and you don’t really like close physical contact, then you may not ever be a match.

    The Five Languages Are:

    Touch

    Some people feel love by being touched. If touch is your love language, you require pats on the back, holding hands, cuddling, and having someone in close proximity to you.

    Receiving Gifts

    Others feel loved by receiving gifts, and not necessarily Tiffany diamonds. Gifts can be flowers or simple tokens of affection, something that shows the person took the time to think about you and pick out or make a gift that you value.

    Quality Time

    If you want someone to give you their undivided attention (even if for short periods), then your love language is quality time. You crave for someone to listen to you, uninterrupted. No T.V. No Phone. You enjoy sharing activities together, and the very act of someone’s company and one-on-one interaction makes you happy.

    Acts of Service

    If you like it when your partner helps around the house because you are super busy, or washes your car or throws in a load of laundry, then Acts of Service is your love language.

    Words of Affirmation

    Everyone needs words of affirmation to some extent, but if you need to hear someone say, “I love you because you are so special” or something that affirms who you are, and if you are highly affected by insults, then words of affirmation is your love language.

    My last boyfriend’s love language was physical touch. Mine is quality time. I always tried to be there for him physically, whether it was holding his hand while he was driving, coming up behind him and giving him a hug while he was shaving, lying next to him, on the couch or even rubbing the back of his neck.

    The problem came in when I told him what my love language was and he had no desire to meet it. If your partner doesn’t care about loving you in a way that you need to be loved, not in the way they need to be loved, you are probably doomed.

    For more information and a test of your love language, you can go to: 5lovelanguages.com.

    3. Your attachment style

    There are three types of attachment. Attachment styles are thought to form from childhood based on parent-child interactions, and as we grow older they can seriously impact our relationships.

    There are studies that explain how the difference in attachment comes about including those performed by American psychologist Harry Harlow.

    One of his studies took baby monkeys away from the mothers soon after birth and placed them with “wire” or “cloth” mothers who gave them nourishment (they were able to feed from a bottle hanging on the side of the cage), but no physical touch, and therefore no nurturing.

    Some were given nourishment from the wire mother, and others were fed from the cloth mother. The study revealed that even if the wire mother was the only source of nourishment, they would cling more often to the cloth mother, which led to the theory that the need for closeness and affection is more than just nourishment or warmth.

    When these baby monkeys became adults, they exhibited strange behavioral patterns, including rocking back and forth. They also had completely abnormal sexual behaviors and misdirected aggression. They often would ignore their own babies until the point where the babies died.

    If you take these theories and apply them to humans, the secure individual would be the monkey that was raised by its normal mother and was given food, cuddling, and warmth. Their needs were met in all ways, and they developed into normal functioning monkeys.

    However, those monkeys that were taken away from the mothers and given only basic nourishment exhibited odd behaviors and were maladapted. By this theory, those of us who had parents who were present physically, but not emotionally, develop one of two attachment styles.

    Of course these styles can run on a continuum, so you can be more of one type than the other. The good news is these behavior patterns can be changed with time and effort and insight.

    Secure

    Secure individuals attached normally. They do not fear isolation or being away from their partner. They are not jealous or insecure. They are able to reason with their partner when differences arise and feel secure in their relationships.

    Over half of the population is considered secure in their attachment style (55-65%), and they will be less likely to be on the dating scene because they do not have emotional and internal conflict when dealing with others.

    Anxious

    Anxious individuals are insecure and distrustful of others. They live in a preoccupied state of push/pull and constantly seek validation from others. They are super sensitive to rejection and can become possessive or clingy causing their partner to push them away thereby reinforcing their distrust.

    Anxious individuals usually had parents who were inconsistent in their attention, behaviors, and affection, which is why they are anxious when a partner retreats, as it leads them to feelings of abandonment and fear.

    Avoidant

    Avoidant individuals do not seek closeness with others. They are emotionally distant with partners and often create a false persona to deal with the world. They are able to shut down their emotions quickly and will be quite ambivalent if you decide to leave them.

    Avoidant individuals usually had parents who were non-responsive, dismissive, and rejecting. They make up approximately 20-30% of the population.

    Unfortunately for the anxious type (as I am), they are often drawn to the avoidant. In general there will be more avoidants in the dating sphere because of their inability to attach, which means they cycle through relationships quickly and are back on the dating scene more than other types.

    I once dated an extremely avoidant man. It was exhausting even dating him. But, of course I loved him, and so I bent over backward to make it work. I constantly sought assurance. He constantly refused to give it.

    What this relationship taught me was how to calm my anxiousness internally. Since I knew he would never do it, I had to find a way to stop the crazy thoughts in my head, and eventually I did.

    There are also ways to learn to cope in a healthier manner if you are dating someone who is anxious or avoidant. A great resource is Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

    4. Your personality type

    Psychologists Myers and Briggs assert that there are sixteen personality types, which encompass all of human kind. However, some types are more prevalent than others.

    Knowing which personality type you have helps you to understand yourself and your partner. There are too many types to list here, but I can guarantee if you take the test and read the results, they will be spot on.

    Some personality types are a better fit than others, so why not add another tool to your arsenal? For example, studies have shown that extraverted women paired with introverted men are not a good match, and that partners who both share sensing or intuiting will be a better match.

    I’m an INFJ, which is the rarest of all personality types. Because of my intuition, I generally need another N (intuition) type, and I would not do well with an S (sensing) type. Generally, I prefer extraverted partners because I like a little balance to my introverted tendencies.

    Here is a free version.

    I believe that these four things are essential to having a happier, healthier relationship, and knowing them will help you understand yourself and your partner.

    If you don’t have a partner, knowing these tidbits of information will help you choose the right partner, not just any partner. The more you know about yourself and what your needs are, the better equipped you are to seek out a good match.

    Just remember that even if you don’t find your perfect match the first time, it could be because that person is in your life to teach you something, and let that be okay.

  • How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    How to Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Speak to You

    “If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo

    Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?

    Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?

    First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.

    Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.

    Why They Avoid You

    If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.

    What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.

    Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.

    We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.

    Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.

    In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.

    Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.

    The First Time

    I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.

    It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.

    I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.

    But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.

    Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.

    I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.

    He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.

    I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.

    Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.

    After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.

    When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.

    The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.

    The Second Time

    The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”

    I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.

    Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.

    A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.

    A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.

    Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.

    I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.

    If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.

    Try This

    If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?

    If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:

    1. Write a letter.

    Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.

    2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.

    We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.

    What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?

    • I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
    • I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
    • Being vulnerable is too scary.
    • He/she is too good for me.
    • My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.

    3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.

    You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.

    4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.

    • “I am hurt.”
    • “I am sad.”
    • “I am devastated.”
    • “I am heartbroken.”
    • “I feel rejected.”

    Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.

    5. Be alone.

    Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.

    6. Live in abundance.

    They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.

    Think About It

    What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.

    There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.

    I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.

    For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.

    Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.

    We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.

    Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.

    Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.

    Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.

    Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.

  • Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either

    Why I Didn’t Kill Myself and Why You Shouldn’t Either

    TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some people.

    “That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.” ~Anderson Cooper

    I know what it’s like to want to die. I know the feeling of hopelessness. I know the sense of loneliness. I know the soul crushing despair and longing to fade into nothingness.

    If you are reading this, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m not sure what brought you to the point of wanting to die. But I know you don’t have to make that date with death.

    Death is forever. While you live, you have the power to change things, even if it feels impossible. Once you are gone, your choice is over.

    History

    My date with death started when I was thirteen. Starting when I was four or five until I hit the age of twelve, two separate men molested me on a regular basis.

    When the abuse stopped, I blocked it out. What I couldn’t block out was the misery, anger, and hatred. I had no idea what was really wrong, but I was monumentally pissed off. I had constant nightmares about men trying to kill me and about fires consuming me.

    I was already dead inside, so what was the point of actually living? Those men took my soul. I was no longer a child. I was just a body trying to survive. I felt nothing but pain and grief. I hated my life. I hated myself and everyone else. I wanted to die. Every day. All day.

    But did I really want to die? Do you? I don’t think you really want to die. I am guessing what you really want is for the pain to stop. I know deep down that was what I really wanted.

    Destiny

    One day, in my early twenties, I got to a point where I couldn’t bear it anymore.

    I came to a crossroads. I came to my breaking point. The unrelenting emotional pain had become too much, and I was drowning under its weight. I had to decide.

    I literally said to myself, “Carrie, you either kill yourself today or you need to do whatever you need to do to get better, because this is no way to live.” That was the moment I decided to take back control of my life.

    Live or die? Which will you choose? I’m hoping that you choose to listen to what I’m saying and that you choose to live. I know your pain. I feel your pain. I have lived in your pain. If I can live through it, so can you. You are not alone no matter how alone you feel.

    What Leads Someone to Want to Take Their Life?

    I have come to believe there are three common reasons people want to kill themselves. You may identify with one or with all of them. Personally, I have contemplated suicide over all of three.

    Severe Pain Caused by Abuse/Trauma (Rape, War, Assault)

    This type of pain is acute, but can also be chronic. It can be a debilitating type of pain that keeps you locked in a world of constant hyper-vigilance, trying to survive. If you have been a victim of childhood abuse, domestic abuse, or have been raped or subjected to the ravages of war, then you know what this suicidal ideation looks and feels like.

    I identified with this pain from my teenage years up until my early to mid-twenties. If the only feelings you have are pain, anger, and hurt and they are all turned inward, you will do anything to find relief, and the thought of suicide will become your constant companion.

    Emotional Reactions to Specific Situations (Divorce, Death, Breakups)

    When you go through the death of a loved one, or your spouse cheats on you and leaves you for someone else, you may feel useless, empty, and betrayed. Feeling unworthy can lead you to contemplate doing something that you normally wouldn’t do.

    I experienced this a few years ago when I found out my boyfriend was actually not who he said he was, and had not only another girlfriend, but a wife and a child.

    I felt like such an idiot because I thought he really cared. I thought there must have been something wrong with me that he was able to manipulate me so easily. I thought there was no point in going on. Many nights I would stare at the gun on my bedside table. Journaling is the only thing that kept me going.

    Constant Feelings of Hopelessness (Depression, Apathy)

    This type of pain is quite scary because it is a smart and well-thought-out pain. It isn’t rash and isn’t a reaction to something that happened. This pain is insidious. It seeps into your subconscious and gets you slowly thinking that there’s no point to life.

    Yes, I’ve felt this type of pain. From my late twenties until just recently there were many days when I would wake up and say to myself, “Maybe today is the day.” I would make plans for when and how I would do it. I would weigh the pros and the cons.

    I had gotten to a point where I no longer cared, but I wasn’t really in pain. I was apathetic to the world around me and more importantly, to my own heart. I no longer cared to live. I was not experiencing joy. I didn’t care about anything. I had no passion. Perhaps you understand what I’m talking about.

    So, What Do You Do Instead? 

    For those struggling with the thought of death and dying and for those who see no other way out, here are some things to think about before you swallow that entire bottle of Vicodin.

    This Too Shall Pass

    Remember this saying, because it really is a universal truth. The only thing constant in life is change. Remember when you broke up with your first love and you thought would never love again? You did.

    The way that you are feeling right now will not last. Remind yourself that the awful feelings won’t last forever.

    Your Thoughts About Yourself Aren’t True

    Do you feel misunderstood? Do you feel like no one really knows you, what you’re about, or who you are down to your core?

    I have never really had a lot of friends, and the majority of the friends I have are men. I have always wondered what it was about me that caused girls to dislike me. Was I doing something wrong? I don’t think I’m mean. Why didn’t they like me?

    I’m an INFJ personality type, which represents about 2% of the population, which is another reason that people just don’t get me. My personality is literally different than the majority of the world.

    I never dreamt about getting married, having babies, and living in a house with a white picket fence. So, while most people I know are having grandkids, I’m still living alone and trying to figure out my life. Another reason I think no one understands me: We don’t want the same things or have the same goals.

    But, what if I took all those negative, self-effacing thoughts about myself (I don’t fit in, I’m kind of alone, and no one likes me) and turned them into positive thoughts? What if all those thoughts weren’t really true?

    What if they were something I had created to keep myself in a safe little cocoon of negativity? What if I started to believe that my differences make me unique?

    As I started to work on loving and accepting myself, I came to realize that I’m not for everyone, and that’s okay! So what if everyone doesn’t love you? So what if you don’t have a ton of friends? So what if you need to find a place where you do fit in, and so what if the love of your life might be taking their time finding you?

    Remember what Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.” There is only one you. Even if you don’t believe it right now, you are special and unique, and you have a history and a story and talents that no one else on the earth has.

    There Are People Who Will Be Devastated by Your Loss

    I used to tell myself that my mom, sister, and friends really wouldn’t care if I was gone. I figured they would get over it in a few weeks. I would tell myself that everyone would say, “Oh, that’s so sad” and just go on with their lives.

    But again, this can’t be any further from the truth. If you kill yourself, the pain you are feeling will be gone because you will be gone, but now your friends and family will feel your pain for the rest of their lives. They will wonder every day what they did wrong. How they could have helped. Why they failed.

    Is this the legacy you want to leave? Maybe you think no one cares about you, but do you care about them? Do you care about your family and friends? Do you want them to spend the remainder of their years wondering why?

    If you commit suicide, you’ll leave an indelible mark of pain and grief on those you have left behind. If you don’t believe me, go read some stories from mothers, fathers, and sisters who have had a loved one kill themselves.

    Is There More to Do?

    Is your time on this earth over? Do you believe you have nothing to offer? What will people say after you die? It is more than likely they will say, “How sad, such a waste.” Is your death how you want to be remembered?

    Even if you do not see your value, others do. Each one of us is unique and has special talents. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, try thinking about what your talents and your passions are. Maybe you don’t know, and that’s okay. The very act of trying to figure it out will bring some hope for the future.

    For the longest time I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going, and I completely lacked passion, energy, and feeling. Then, one day I realized that I have always had something to say (even if no one wanted to listen), and that became the roadmap for my new life.

    One of the few things that saved me when I was suicidal was writing in my journal. I realize that I needed to write again, and once I did, everything changed. I had a purpose. I had found my passion. Yours is there you just have to find it.

    Your Life Doesn’t Have to Feel Empty Forever

    Maybe your life feels empty today. But that doesn’t mean it has to feel empty forever. I spent years (more years than I care to admit to and more years than I should have) feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled. This is an awful place to be, and I would never wish this on anyone else.

    Just because I felt like I was living a meaningless life for over forty years doesn’t mean the rest of my life had to be that way. The past is the past.

    Feeling lonely and unfulfilled doesn’t have to be a forever proposition. It can be a temporary landing if you want it to be.

    If you feel empty and lonely, like your life has no meaning, then I say to you, “What can you do to change it?” Try and focus your energy on what you can change, not what you can’t change. I know it sounds corny and cliché’, but every day is a new day to rewrite the story of your life.

    Usually we don’t know the answer to this question, which is why we stay stuck and hopeless. Everyone has something they love to do, something that is their passion. You have one too; you just don’t know it yet. Find this passion. Search it out. Give your life some meaning. Take yourself on a journey and find out who you really are.

    You Are Not Alone

    Remember that although you are in pain, you are not the only one. Get online. Start talking to people. Call a suicide prevention hotline. Go to the forums and find out what others have done to combat their feelings of loneliness and depression.

    Do not let your thoughts run your life. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not truth. Remember this. Feeling alone is a belief in your head, and it isn’t necessarily true. I know they feel like they own you, but you have the power to take back your life and own your thoughts.

    Find others who have struggled with your issues and ask them what they did and how they found some peace. Read books. Listen to podcasts. Why reinvent the wheel? If others have been able to succeed, learn from them.

    Maybe you need a friend to talk to. Maybe you need a support group. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need a hobby. Maybe you need to find something, anything that gives you the slightest glimmer of hope. Search. If you can’t find any of those things, then give me a shout (carrie@acinglife.com), because my inbox is always open.

    There Are No Words

    Maybe there are not enough words or not the right words. Maybe nothing I can say will make you change your mind. Maybe I will fail at my task, but I hope not.

    I hope you take my words to heart and understand that I have felt your pain, and not just for a few days or weeks or on occasion. I have felt your pain to the core of my being and to the depths of my soul, for years and years. I have plotted my death too many times to count. Yet, I’m still here.

    So, every day is another chance for me to try to get others to understand that they are not alone, and that depression and loneliness are fixable conditions. The human condition is a beautiful, complex assortment of struggles. You are not alone in this.

    Suicide is not the answer. Death is final. But, you my friend are reading this now, and I believe you have some hope, even if it’s only a tiny little glimmer. I believe you can survive and that you will survive. I believe that, like me, you can also be a voice for change and hope.

    Never give up. Every day is a new day to fight, and every day is a new day to recreate yourself.

    If you are struggling please reach out for help: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (1-800-273-8255).