Tiny Buddha

Author: Beth Rush

  • Transforming Pain into Power: The Magic of Emotional Alchemy

    Transforming Pain into Power: The Magic of Emotional Alchemy

    If it weren’t for my darkest moments, I wouldn’t appreciate the life I have today. I’ve overcome a lot, and my biggest battle wasn’t the hurdles themselves but how they made me feel, draining my energy and desire for life until I nearly lost it completely. I’m sharing my story to give you hope. If I can transform pain into beauty through emotional alchemy, you can, too.

    I’m not going to lie and say my journey has been easy. Nor is it over; overcoming a lifetime of dysfunctional patterns from a toxic childhood and challenging adult experiences takes time. However, it is so very worth it. Here’s how I perform emotional alchemy, and you can, too.

    My “Shawshank” Moment

    Although I didn’t always recognize how childhood trauma led to my adult victimization, I now see how it created the conditions. My inner child wasn’t only wounded; I, in many ways, was still a child.

    I grew up in a household where anger was the primary emotion, and that seed remained within me. When an adult tragedy struck, I watered it, first directing it at a world I felt was impossibly cruel and finally against myself.

    The seed sprouted when I became chronically ill with disabling symptoms that gradually robbed me of my ability to work a traditional job. I lost everything, including my home.

    Because I had never learned how to relate to others, I didn’t know where to turn for help and was convinced that I would be ridiculed for asking. Having never learned how to set appropriate boundaries as a child, I pushed away the few people who tried to lend a hand, suspecting ulterior motives.

    Accepting assistance was burdening another, something strong, capable, worthy people didn’t do, and the people who offered aid had something up their sleeves.

    Homeless and feeling utterly powerless, I had no idea how to go on.

    Getting Busy Living

    Anger was useful in my recovery. It took well over a decade to find a diagnosis—an underlying heart defect.

    I now know that my emotional outbursts at the doctor’s corresponded to one of my biggest complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD) triggers. As a child, I was constantly invalidated and dismissed, including when I had health issues.

    Any time I got sick, I was told it was a “cry for attention” and an attempt to “manipulate” my parents into caring for me. Experiencing similar suspicion again led to irritation and many tears that no doubt confirmed my provider’s impression of me as “hysterical.”

    My anger drove me to prove I was not causing my symptoms, exacerbating them, or making them up. But how? I went utterly straight-edge, taking up a super-healthy, nearly monastic lifestyle of whole foods intended to nurture physical and mental health, regular physical activity, and all the brain-and-soul healing holistic therapies I could find online.

    Little did I know I was laying the foundation of my recovery. Although people tend to think linearly, as though one thing leads to another like a straight line, existence is more like a circular mandala with interwoven threads creating the tapestry and holding that giant parachute together. When one thread wears thin, the others pick up the slack during repairs. My work on my physical body began to heal my mind. But how?

    1. Diet and Mental State

    My diet today still consists primarily of plant-based foods close to their natural forms. I also take care to increase my intake of certain nutrients necessary for brain health through the meals I choose, such as:

    • B-vitamins for neurotransmitter production.
    • Omega-3s to prevent brain disorders and improve mood.
    • Magnesium, selenium, and zinc for improved mood and nervous system regulation.

    I also eliminated anything that could adversely affect my mood. That meant cutting out:

    • Foods with artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives.
    • Added sugar.
    • Processed, bleached flour.
    • Unhealthy oils.

    It’s tougher to eat this way on a budget. I stocked up on dried fruits, nuts, and seeds that last; inexpensive tuna; and fresh, organic produce from the farmer’s market.

    2. Movement and the Full Nervous System

    While most of your neurons are in your brain, you have them all over your body. Emotional trauma can get trapped in your somatic system, but nurturing practices like Yin and restorative yoga can release it.

    I find it’s best to get my heart pumping to burn off some of those excess stress hormones like cortisol before I can dig into deeper release on the mat. Find movement that soothes you, which can include pumping you up to blow off steam.

    My yoga mat has become a true home for me. It’s where I go to sit, or passively stretch, with my emotions when they overwhelm me. If you have c-PTSD, you know that your triggers don’t disappear — you train yourself to notice them and react to them less so that they don’t control you. Sometimes, that means creating a necessary pause before responding, and my yoga mat is my place to do that.

    3. Mindfulness

    Mindfulness is the true key to transforming pain into power through emotional alchemy. I’m convinced it’s the one tool that can help with the epidemic of narcissism American society faces—and I speak as someone who learned such traits from the dubious “best.” People with such personalities have defenses so sky-high that they react to even the most well-intended advice with distrust.

    However, mindfulness creates space for deep truths to bubble up from inside. You aren’t being “lectured” by someone else who threatens your sense of self and the worldview that protects you. Simply focusing on your inhales and exhales provides a sense of separation and objectiveness that lets you realize two critical truths:

    • You are not your thoughts.
    • You are not your feelings.

    You have thoughts and feelings, but you also have the you that’s sitting with them on the mat, deciding how to best manage them. Recognizing that you have power and choice over how you direct your energy teaches you that if you want anger or distrust to grow, you water those seeds through your actions and decisions.

    The beautiful part? You also realize if you want to nurture love, hope, health, camaraderie, faith, optimism, joy, and happiness, then you water those seeds.

    One small act of goodness can start a ripple effect. Think of it like the frayed strands of a worn tapestry weaving themselves back together, one string at a time. It starts with self-love.

    I didn’t fully realize when I began my journey that I was essentially reparenting myself from scratch, but that’s what I was doing. My higher self was acting like a good mother, ensuring I had healthy foods, the right amount of exercise and sunlight, and plenty of nurturing.

    Creating Emotional Alchemy

    Mindfulness also helped me manage the overwhelming anxiety I felt without my usual coping mechanisms to handle stress. Anyone who has experienced morning-after hangxiety knows that withdrawal from alcohol ramps up this emotion, and my life stressors hadn’t magically disappeared. I was still battling housing insecurity, trying to earn enough money to keep a roof over my head while managing necessary medical appointments and the associated travel time.

    However, I couldn’t have transformed my pain into power through emotional alchemy without identifying my feelings and learning how to manage them in healthy ways. For that, I dug into everything I could learn about human psychology. I engaged in therapy whenever possible. Although there was limited help available, I briefly found someone who listened to me rehash my childhood without judgment.

    Mostly, though, I self-directed my treatment, making use of the resources I had available. I engaged in the following practices, often more than once per day, to slowly heal my central nervous system. These activities decreased my emotional reactivity and helped me make wiser choices based on mindful contemplation instead of a panicked need to do something, anything:

    • Yoga: Not all styles require high energy or physical fitness, and many poses have modifications for differing skill and mobility levels. Try Hatha, Yin, or restorative if you’re new.
    • Meditation: While there are many styles, I find that guided meditations are best for beginners. They acclimate you to sitting quietly with your thoughts while providing just enough direction to prevent falling into a rumination trap or taking a dark trip down anxiety lane.
    • Nature walks: Oodles of studies show nature’s healing power on your body and mind. Hike, or better yet, go camping. It’s free or close to it.
    • Grounding: Grounding or earthing puts your skin in contact with the earth’s natural magnetic field. While it sounds new age, it works.
    • Nutrition: Although I give myself more dietary leeway today, my meals are still primarily plant-based. I continue to avoid unhealthy substances, including alcohol, knowing what it does to my neurotransmitters.
    • Learning: Educational materials and online support groups are invaluable resources.

    I’m not a celebrity and certainly not among the elite. However, my message of hope is that you don’t necessarily need an expensive retreat or inpatient care to transform pain into power through emotional alchemy.

    Use what you have. YouTube is a fabulous resource of free nutrition and exercise videos, and the internet abounds with information. It’s a matter of feeding yourself the right input instead of getting sucked into social media. Seek websites and channels by credentialed individuals to ensure the information you receive is accurate and helpful.

    Emotional Alchemy: Transforming Pain into a Beautiful Life

    Today, my life continues to improve. Working on myself made it much easier to get the other pieces of my life under control.

    It might take reparenting yourself if you have severe c-PTSD. You might have to actively decide to stop doing the things that hurt your mind, body, and emotions and start nurturing yourself like you would a child. However, over time, you can create emotional alchemy and transform your pain into power, sharing what you have learned in your journey to bring hope to others.

  • 5 Painful Effects of Parentification Trauma and How I’ve Overcome Them

    5 Painful Effects of Parentification Trauma and How I’ve Overcome Them

    “Sometimes people wound us because they’re wounded and tell us we’re broken because that’s how they feel, but we don’t have to believe them.” ~Lori Deschene

    I’ve always been proud of how I can handle life so well. I’m great at managing responsibilities and taking care of others, but I’m not so great at being aware of my own needs. It’s part of being a highly sensitive individual and growing up with parentification trauma.

    Overcoming parentification can take years. If you’re like me, you might not even realize it’s something you experienced until you’re well into adulthood. More people should know about this form of trauma to process it and thrive beyond its reach.

    What Is a Highly Sensitive Person?

    Knowing how our brains process interpersonal relationships is essential to understanding how we can heal from things.

    I grew up with a mom who was quick to remind me that I felt things very deeply. I was always the first member of my family to cry when I was happy and get sad about upsetting events.

    Certain textures, light sources, and noise levels also made me uncomfortable, even when others were fine. Feeling a suede couch under my legs made my skin crawl. Ceiling lights gave me anxiety, and the microwave beeping triggered my flight-or-fight instinct.

    I learned about highly sensitive individuals when I started going to therapy after college. They’re people like me—we’re more easily stimulated by our environment and perceive things more deeply on instinct. Emotions become magnified in our hearts, and we may have more empathy for others than our relatives.

    Although researchers can identify some genetic markers in highly sensitive people (HSPs), environmental factors also play a role in our emotional processing.

    What does parentification have to do with HSPs? Let’s dive into what that specific trauma is before connecting it to our more sensitive minds.

    What Is Parentification?

    Parentification is a toxic family dynamic.

    I experienced the instrumental version of it when my younger brother was born. When my mom needed more help around the house, our family roles reversed. She asked me to clean, cook meals, and do yard work while she watched my brother or went to work.

    I was only eight years old.

    There’s also the emotional side of parentification. Emotionally immature parents might treat their child as a confidant or counselor. Sharing too much information or burdening their kid with heavy emotions may be challenging for them to process.

    We live with the effects of either or both types of parentification in adulthood, even if we don’t realize it. I dealt with the impacts before I even knew there was anything to overcome, but getting professional help made starting the hard work possible.

    What Can Cause Parentification?

    Numerous home videos on chunky VHS tapes in my basement prove that my parents were so excited to have me. How can parents go from desperately wanting to love a baby to raising them in a traumatic family dynamic?

    Unfortunately, there are numerous reasons why parentification happens. Our parents may have grown up in households where they didn’t learn tools to process their emotions healthily. Their parents might have demonstrated emotional parentification and unknowingly taught them a future parenting style.

    They might have been in an abusive relationship once, lost a loved one to an illness, or cared for someone with an addiction.

    They could also have experienced trauma that they never processed. Instead of talking with a therapist or accepting their feelings, they could have repressed their emotions and taught themselves an unhealthy way to model emotional intelligence.

    We might not always get answers, either. My parents don’t talk about their lives before my brother and I arrived. I might never know what caused their emotional parentification, which takes work to accept.

    What Is Adaptive vs. Destructive Parentification?

    Adaptive parentification is a short-term form of this dynamic. If you live with your dad and he’s injured in a car accident, he might be unable to walk for a week. During that time, you cook for your siblings and help them with their homework.

    In that case, you’d take on parental responsibilities that are inappropriate for your age, but it would be for a limited time.

    Destructive parentification is when this dynamic happens long term. The violation of your childhood and emotional boundaries remains constant, leading to adverse effects that can last a lifetime.

    What Are the Effects of Parentification?

    Although I highly recommend finding a therapist specializing in trauma and family dynamics, you don’t have to wait for an appointment to reflect on your past. These are a few signs you were parentified as a child that you might never have considered.

    1. Being Overly Attentive to Responsibilities

    Becoming responsible for someone else at a young age can make us overly attentive to survival needs. When I started caring for my mom and brother at eight years old, I learned that if I didn’t keep up with meals and laundry, my family wouldn’t eat or have clean clothes.

    Our HSP minds start becoming anxious about the ramifications when we fall short, have a bad day, or forget something on our to-do list. As a result, one of the effects of parentification for me was never snapping out of survival mode.

    I struggle to reserve time to relax in the evenings. Sometimes it’s even hard to recognize my own physical or mental needs. If my college roommates weren’t keeping up with our apartment chores, I’d vacuum and do dishes even if my bladder was painfully full or I hadn’t eaten all day.

    Putting others’ needs before your own at all times isn’t a healthy way to live. It’s also never fun to feel annoyed when someone tells me to relax or get anxious when I have free time. We deserve to care for ourselves and unwind just like everyone else.

    2. Living with One or More Addictions

    People raising kids with an unhealthy parentification style may say, “That’s not what you feel” when their child expresses anger at an upsetting situation. They may accuse the kid of getting angry for no reason and not respond until they let things go.

    I lived through those experiences for years. The saddest part is how my anger, justified or not, had nowhere to go. It turned inward, creating a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and hatred.

    As I got older, the self-hatred developed into an eating disorder. Other people start self-harming or using addictive substances. Sometimes the coping mechanisms help release negative emotions, but they’re ultimately only self-destructive.

    Overcoming parentification might mean recognizing unhealthy coping styles and learning to recognize the scary emotions waiting underneath them. Guidance from a licensed therapist makes processing and healing possible.

    3. Dissociating for Varying Periods

    Parentification comes with triggers. My mom became passive-aggressive when I failed to predict what she wanted me to do, so now signs like sarcasm and subtle digs can make my mind freeze. When my thoughts stop and my body goes numb, dissociation begins.

    Dissociating is a way our minds cope with traumatic stress. It allows us to disconnect from uncomfortable feelings or situations because our brain wants to protect itself. People don’t always develop dissociative tendencies while living with parentification, but it’s a potential effect.

    When I lived at home, sometimes these dissociative periods would last a few hours or an entire day. I couldn’t recall getting home from school or doing anything until I went to bed, even though I had finished everything for the day.

    Now that I’m out of that environment, my mind starts dissociating when I’m triggered by the mannerisms my mom had. I can also experience it before or during a visit with her.

    4. Living with Anxiety

    Whether you dealt with instrumental or emotional parentification, you could have resulting social anxiety. I get anxious in certain settings because I instinctively try to predict others’ needs. I’m constantly evaluating what’s safest to discuss or changing environmental factors, like closing blinds by the dinner table before the sun sets so it doesn’t shine in my friend’s eyes.

    We could fear retribution based on how our parents responded during childhood or worry about causing even a minor upset in a relationship. Eventually, that anxiety can also direct inward and affect our self-worth.

    Anxiety can also cause us to push our feelings away. Being good at compartmentalizing is one of the signs you were parentified as a child. Becoming anxious about feelings can result in years of ignoring the pain we need to process.

    5. Repeatedly Getting into Unhealthy Relationships

    Kids learn social skills from interacting with their parents. One of the effects of parentification is developing unhealthy future relationships based on those formed with parents.

    This has affected my connections with friends and partners. I’ve unknowingly formed unhealthy attachments that can start in a positive place, but eventually, it always feels like I exist to fix their problems. They’re always using me as an advice machine or to care for them like a pseudo-parent.

    Here’s an example if you’re not sure this applies to you.

    I met a friend in high school, and we became close. Later, we went to the same college and became roommates. We’d been friends for so long, it felt smarter than rooming with strangers.

    About a month after moving in with her, I noticed her behavior changed in ways that violated my boundaries. She expected me to do the dishes, clean up after her boyfriends, and pay all the bills for our apartment. There was always an excuse that sounded legitimate, but it made me feel like I had become her mom.

    However, I put up with it for a year. I could never enforce my boundaries because the parentification stress of not perfectly caring for my family kept me in silent fear. I felt unseen and worthless, so I had to rebuild my self-worth when we moved out the following summer.

    My friend had never treated me like that before we were roommates. While there were things we both could have done differently after moving into that apartment, I couldn’t get myself out of that unhealthy relationship due to parentification trauma. It can trap us in toxic dynamics with friends and partners, even when we can recognize an unjust situation.

    Is Parentification Abuse?

    Parentification might not result in physical beatings, but it’s still abuse. It mentally and emotionally takes advantage of kids.

    It violates our boundaries by removing our right to have childhoods and handle responsibilities appropriate for our ages. Parentification may override our boundaries in ways that make us feel unable to say no to certain requests.

    Parentification can also cause neglect, which is another form of abuse. Our parents fail to provide for our basic needs as children with no power or autonomy.

    The psychological wounds can last through adulthood. They did for me. The effects harm our future relationships and self-worth, ultimately deteriorating our quality of life if we don’t get help to process our history.

    Tips for Overcoming Parentification

    The good news is that parentification doesn’t have to influence your mind and relationships forever. Here’s what I did to start reversing the damage.

    1. Find a licensed therapist.

    People experience the effects of parentification in adulthood in various ways. If we could reverse those effects ourselves, very few of us would even be talking about that kind of trauma.

    I found a licensed therapist specializing in family trauma when I came to peace with the idea that I couldn’t repair the damage through sheer willpower. She knew how toxic dynamics like parentification affect a child’s development and therapeutic ways to process my past.

    Talk therapy helped me get comfortable discussing my traumas. When I was ready, we started eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy through tapping and bilateral stimulation noises. Although EMDR recalled specific emotional pain, giving myself space to finally feel my compartmentalized feelings and deconstruct them with a therapist allowed me to heal.

    Connect with a therapist to talk about how they can help you. They may recommend a similar treatment path or resources like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It depends on their training and your specific experiences.

    2. Listen to your physiological needs.

    My therapist also showed me how I don’t listen to or honor my mental and physical needs. I don’t let myself feel sad when I’m hurt or rest when I’m tired.

    We developed strategies so I know how to recognize those feelings. I also have resources at home for self-care, like asking my partner for help and doing evening activities that don’t center around a survival responsibility. I enjoy embroidery and baths with lavender bath bombs because I learned to invest time in myself.

    Not feeling worthy of tending to your needs is one of the effects of parentification. Therapy and journaling help reverse that. They become essential stress management tools that ultimately build your self-worth and self-esteem.

    You may also work with a doctor or nutritionist to get assistance with coping mechanisms like recovering from an eating disorder or addiction if those are part of your history.

    3. Prioritize your self-care.

    I used to fully support the idea of self-care for other people, but I never thought it applied to me. My therapist taught me how to give myself the freedom to relax, have fun, try new hobbies, and move on to other ones.

    Overcoming parentification requires believing in yourself, which may call for processing specific traumas. When you start recognizing how your brain works, you can use self-care habits to support your healing from those unhealthy inner dynamics.

    My experience with parentification taught me that I existed to take care of others. Therapy showed me that I’m on this planet to experience joy and that I experienced a childhood injustice. Accepting that made giving myself breaks in the evenings or leaving responsibilities for another day easier.

    If I deserve to thrive, I deserve to rest. This was processing that had to happen before I could enjoy self-care activities without guilt or anxiety.

    You can reach the same point with help from a therapist. You’ll learn to support yourself and become your biggest cheerleader as you determine how you like to relax and have fun.

    Defeat Parentification in Adulthood

    Parentification can make us feel erased and worthless. It’s a childhood trauma that people don’t often realize is harmful, but it doesn’t have to influence your quality of life forever.

    Connect with a therapist and they’ll show you how to rebuild yourself. You’ll start overcoming parentification by processing your past. Remember that even when it hurts, you can make things better.

    You don’t have to earn your healing. You only have to take the first step forward by asking for help.