Author: Ann Davis

4 Ways Introverts Can Super-Charge Their Happiness

“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.” ~Susan Cain

Do you get ticked off too?

I mean, when people say you’re awkward, naive, and anti-social.

Your feelings get bruised, and then you find yourself drowning in a sea of unhappiness.

All you want is to be normal. To be accepted and to fit in. The more social you try to be, the more uhappy you get.

You’ve worn all the right masks to be normal, but it seems all your efforts aren’t good enough.

Well, I know that feeling all too well, unfortunately.

How Trying to Fit in Made Me Unhappy for Years

I was six years old when I joined the school dance team because I wanted to be like my friends. Long hours of practice replaced my alone time. It was rough. But all I wanted was to fit in and belong.

I should have known public dancing wasn’t for me. I panicked during the audition, and all I wanted was to crawl under a chair. I stood frozen in fear the entire time.

And boy, that didn’t go to well. No matter what I said to appease the teacher, she yelled and banned me from the school dance team.

In college, I was embarrassed to tell my friends I would rather stay in than go out in loud and busy places.

So, I followed my friends for adventures. It was okay for a few hours, but then I would take frequent bathroom breaks for quiet moments and to hear my own thoughts.

I pushed too hard to hang out every weekend. By the end of the day, I felt like I had been in a marathon that I didn’t sign up for.

After college, I ached to belong and be accepted. I always said yes, even when I wanted to say no, just to please others.

A friend suggested we (including her nanny and child) rent a bigger house together and split the costs, which meant we would pay less than we were paying to live separately, and we’d enjoy living in a better neighborhood.

Soon after we moved in together, her siblings moved in and took over the house. I was miserable. The house was crowded and noisy. There was no space for solitude.

This invasion of space built lots of tension, so I moved out, and doing so ruined our relationship.

I tried to explain, but I was misunderstood. I was left confused that my friend didn’t understand my need for quiet space. All I wanted was to have a happy friend who understood me.

I stumbled upon personality types in my twenties and learned about the differences between introverts and extroverts. I finally realized nothing was wrong with me. I realized I was an introvert, and I learned that us introverts often feel isolated and misunderstood by society.

After I understood myself, I stopped working so hard to fit in and please people. I was finally content just being myself.

Knowing I was introverted empowered me to stand up for myself and overcome some of the roadblocks to my happiness. You can do this too.

1. Focus on your strengths.

Introverts tend to focus on their weaknesses, like not being good at small talk, and some beat themselves up trying to fix them.

They might desire to be more talkative and outgoing, so they promise themselves the next time they go out, they’ll strike up a conversation. Or they promise in the next office meeting to voice their opinion. But when the moment comes, they back out and feel disappointed with themselves.

I knew I was self-conscious when I danced, but I felt it was something I needed to fix. That’s why I kept signing up for dance teams, even while knowing that they’d just make me want to crawl under a chair.

Are you focusing on your weaknesses and sinking in the sea of unhappiness?

So what if you’re not the best at small talk? You have plenty of other positive qualities that you should be proud of—having a strong conscience, drawing energy from deep conversation, and being empathetic.

Take fifteen minutes to just think about all the qualities you like about yourself. Jot them down. You might realize you have more positive qualities than you give yourself credit for.

2. Socialize selectively.

Shy introverts want to fit in, so they push their limit by attending parties out of their comfort zone.

In college, my friends handled going out every weekend with ease. I followed my friends to parties I didn’t even care about, only to be left overwhelmed by all the noise and small talk.

I started suppressing the feelings and struggled to toughen up. Doing so left me swinging back and forth, from happy to unhappy.

Does that sound familiar?

Trust your feelings to guide you. Learn to stop and retreat when you feel over-stimulated.

You should only socialize in ways you feel comfortable with.

Maybe having a small group of friends over for dinner is better suited to you. Maybe you know a couple of quieter cafes that you like and can refuse invitations to places you dislike.

And maybe, if you do want to step out of your social comfort zone a bit, you should feel free doing so, but you should also feel free to go home when you feel over-stimulated.

3. Honor your quiet time.

Most introverts need their alone time. It makes them feel at ease and can help them catch their breath between social events. However, many introverts neglect this need.

I used to say yes to every request I got, such as school sports kiosk, fundraising events, and baby showers. I wanted to fit in and was afraid of missing out on what was happening, but that only exhausted me.

All that stopped when I understood I was wired differently and deserved to pamper myself with some quiet time.

Honor your quiet time, and consider it as an investment.

It’s okay to retreat for some nourishment and recharging. This sounds selfish, but it’s not. You cannot serve others well if you cannot care for yourself.

4. Seek out kindred spirits.

Most introverts have those friends who make them feel different and alone because not all understand the nature of introverts.

They might try to bring you into the conversation when you’re content just listening. They might try to “help” you be more social and talkative. Or they might constantly ask why you’re being so quiet.

I had such friends, and the more I tried to make them happy, the unhappier I got.

I finally rocked my own boat. I no longer bent over backward to fit in, and I just expected people to respect me for who I was. Some fell overboard, but those who really understood me stayed.

So, seek out support of kindred spirits who understand the uniqueness of each person.

And because they understand other personalities, they already know how to manage and treat others.

They will make you feel comfortable just being you around them. And you don’t have to try and fit in because they understand you and accept you for who you are.

Time To Feel Complete

Stop trying to fit in by changing your personality to match others because you’ll only make yourself unhappy.

Instead, try to find people who will accept you for the introverted spirit you are.

Remember, you’re not alone. Some historic figures such as Martin Luther King and Steve Jobs were introverts and happy too.

You can be happier too if you focus on your strengths and accept yourself for who you are instead of trying to fit into someone else’s mold.

Embrace your introversion.

And spread your happiness to the world.

Introvert image via Shutterstock

November 12, 2015
Should You Sacrifice Financial Stability to Pursue Your Dream?

“If a person gets his attitude towards money straight, then it will help strengthen out almost every other area in his life.” ~Billy Graham

To pursue financial security or your dream …

You’re in conflict, right?

I know because I’ve been there myself.

People often tell us that money isn’t everything, so we assume we can sacrifice money to pursue our dreams. Somehow it will work out. At least that’s what I thought.

What do you think about money? Is it everything or not?

I quit my job when I got married. My husband was a pastor in a small rural community in Vermont, and my dream was to help those in need and work with him in the mission field.

I helped serve in the community soup kitchen that ministered to those afflicted by addiction. Sometimes I worked in the food bank, and instead of getting paid in cash, they donated canned meat to the organization we were affiliated with.

It was work that fulfilled my soul but not my wallet.

Though I’ve been broke before and came out on top, I was suspicious we wouldn’t survive on one salary as a family.

My husband reassured me money wasn’t everything and we’d be okay.

Our budget was tight. We lived a simple life. We ate donated food, most of which was boxed and canned.

I longed for homemade food with fresh produce, but we couldn’t afford it. Instead, we tweaked the boxed and canned food as best as we could to make it taste better. I learned that if I added a different spice to the same meal each time I cooked, it tasted better.

We also learned to make our own 1% milk. We bought 2% milk, divided it into halves and filled each half with water. We didn’t care about the nutritional value as much as how far the milk would stretch.

We were surviving, but when you’re as broke as we were, one small thing can turn your world upside down.

We didn’t have health insurance, but I wasn’t bothered by it because I was healthy. Or so I thought.

I had a cavity that had never been a problem for years until it woke me up in the middle of the night and made me scream in pain. Talk of the world turning upside down. We couldn’t afford a dentist. And the pennies in the jar weren’t enough to afford the smallest container of Tylenol.

That is when I knew something had to change.

Living in rural areas has its downside regarding jobs. At least I didn’t get one.

A friend of mine knew how good I was with children and asked if I could watch her kids after school until she got home. I took her up on the offer.

This offer was a win because I still helped with the mission work in the morning, and I got paid for nanny work in the evenings. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

But, here is what I learned from the painful reality of becoming broke in the pursuit of dreams, and how to survive:

1. Follow your instinct.

I should have kept my job. Deep down I knew we wouldn’t survive on one salary, but I went ahead and quit. At least we should have first identified how much money we truly needed as a family before I quit.

Do you have a constant battle in your mind, one side telling you to quit and the other telling you to suck it up? Follow your instinct, but remember that if you chose to quit without a savings account, the bills will still roll in.

If your gut is telling you that quitting feels risky, be creative and find a way to pursue your dream while still maintaining your financial stability.

2. Honor friendship.

Sometimes we assume our BFFs knows what we’re going through, so we expect them to help. But in reality, they have no clue about how much we’re hurting.

Confide in your trusted friends about what you’re going through — you’ll be surprised by the help you’ll receive.

We sure wouldn’t have survived without friends. I called a friend when the toothache invaded and explained to her our money situation. She bought the largest container of Tylenol and paid the dentist fee.

There is no shame in asking friends for help when we really need it. But don’t be a mooch. One day you can return the favor or pay it forward.

3. Use your strength.

We all have something unique within. We learned through experience, formal and informal education, or job experience. Yet we don’t utilize that talent.

What are you really good at? What comes naturally to you? How can you use that skill to help you survive when you’re in a financial bind?

When my friend suggested I watch her children after school, I took up the offer and loved it. The kids loved sewing and knitting. I used my teaching experience to implement the activities.

4. Refuse to settle.

Are you in a tough spot and feel like you have no way out? We’ve all been there.

But don’t settle. Know that you deserve more. Settling can block your mind from seeing when new opportunities arise.

I told everyone I came across how poor we were and that I was okay with it because we were doing good work. But deep down inside, I wasn’t okay.

I longed for things I couldn’t afford, like a nice, warm winter coat. But the most unbearable parts were the things I couldn’t provide for my son.

For example, he didn’t even bother to tell us about the cookie exchange at school because he knew we couldn’t afford to contribute. He told his teacher his parents were always broke, so the teacher had other kids donate cookies to him.

It’s okay to experience being broke, but believe that you will find a way to change your situation. The more you believe, the more open you’ll be to potential opportunities.

5. Take consistent action.

Does your dream seem difficult to achieve? Is money holding you back? What can you do to bring you closer to it?

Be patient and consistence with yourself. Slowly and steadily work toward it.

You don’t have to achieve it overnight. Look at how long runners take to practice before they can win.

I slowly and steadily continued to pursue my dream while taking care of my financial responsibilities.

Trust me; you can pursue your dream slowly and still take care of yourself financially.

6. Create an emergency fund.

An emergency fund will save you on a rainy day.

Start saving whatever you’re able to, no matter how little. Lets say you tuck away $10 weekly that adds up to $520 a year.

That right there will make you giddy on a rainy day.

If we had money saved my toothache wouldn’t have turned our world upside down. If you don’t have a financial cushion, wait to pursue your dreams until you do.

Take action and follow your dreams while protecting yourself financially.

Because you don’t want to look back and regret that you followed your dream and had no money to spend.

But don’t let opportunities beneficial to your dreams pass by.

Believe in yourself, and call your own shots regarding your dream and money.

Slowly and steadily start working toward your dream.

What steps are you taking today to survive your financial struggles and pursue your dream?

Man and dollar symbol image via Shutterstock

September 13, 2015
10 Mistakes To Avoid When Chasing Your Dream

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming—well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” ~Amy Tan

Pursuing dreams…

How you wish it were a smooth ride. Right?

The twists and curves you’ve encountered may have left you full of negative thoughts and doubting your ability to succeed.

In fact, you may be accepting your situation as fate and settling for defeat.

But don’t give up yet!

To keep your dreams alive, you must avoid making certain mistakes. You must realize that you’re the pilot, and you can take charge of your dreams and fly to places you’ve never been.

My Dream

After five years of spinning my wheels teaching in Kenya and dealing with mandated curriculums that didn’t make sense, I decided to do something bold.

I packed my suitcase and moved to Botswana in pursuit of my dream—starting my own business. A friend living there had told me Botswana was the best place to live in Africa because the people were friendly, the economy was rich, and it was less populated.

Was I scared? Sure.

Did I care? Nope.

I envisioned a successful life, being my own boss, and living the dream.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Sometimes moving is the best therapy for a new beginning.

I lived with a host family for three months while applying for a business permit.

A little after three months, my time was up. I had to cut the cord with the host family and move out. The business permit processing took a little longer than anticipated.

With no money coming in life got hard. I hit rock bottom. I was broke and broken.

I ate caterpillars to survive.

I had no money, and my savings had run out.

I had no place to live.

I had no family around.

But I refused to give up. I refused to lose hope. I refused to let the feeling of despair ruin me. I refused to let the pain inside win the battle. A voice inside kept on saying I would make it.

One day, I was taking a stroll when I saw a swimming pool that was not being used; a private members club owned it.

So I asked the manager if I could use the pool. (Remember, I didn’t have any money). I figured if I could learn to swim, I could turn around and offer swimming lessons for a living.

He agreed that I could use the pool if I paid the club a percentage of my earnings.

I lived on the good will of friends who loaned me money to pay for the club membership. A friend offered me free swimming lessons, which took a little over four months. I then became a swimming teacher and my clients were club members, adults, and kids.

Nothing lasts forever, even the harsh life I’d known all so well. Finally, I was living the dream I had left teaching to pursue—coaching on my own terms.

Through my experience, I’ve learned some huge mistakes to avoid when chasing your dream.

1. Letting discouragement overwhelm you.

Take the risk. Are you going to be scared? Oh, yes, you’ll be petrified. Remember, it’s not going to be a straight path. Take mini steps and be consistent with your work.

Even if you don’t reach the goal you’ve set, you’ll learn, grow, and perhaps even find new opportunities through the process of stretching yourself.

Believe in yourself and the possibility of your dreams coming true, without letting discouragement rob you of the faith you have in yourself.

For me, instead of letting the work permit delay and lack of money discourage me, I opted to change the course of my dream.

2. Denying your current situation.

If your current situation is not ideal, don’t live in denial. If you do, you won’t be able to deal with the obstacles you’re currently facing. Doing nothing won’t change your situation or bring you any closer to your dreams. Before long, you will hit the wall and crash, and possibly fall into a depression.

Instead, accept the situation you’re in and then work toward changing it. You have more power than you realize. Trust and believe in yourself. However small the change happens, be grateful.

3. Dwelling on the past.

Holding on to a painful past will fill you with doubts when you’re trying to pursue your dreams. You won’t be able to handle obstacles that arise and you’ll spend your energy on worries and regrets.

You’ll be afraid to make decisions because of past experiences. You’ll hold yourself back from claiming opportunities when they arise.

So, let the past be gone but cling to the good memories, and when things are rocky look at the past and smile. Let the bad be a learning experience, let learning produce growth, and let growth bring you closer to your goal.

4. Procrastinating.

It can be deadly.

I procrastinated the first three months I moved to Botswana. I wasted time and money on vacation, clothes, etc.

Time wasted cannot be recovered. It’s just like a river; once you touch the water flowing past you, it will never flow back toward you again. Do what you’re supposed to do, when it’s supposed to be done.

5. Neglecting your body.

Don’t ever forget to take care of your body. Treat it like a temple. If you don’t, you will get sick, mentally and physically, and this will prevent you from working toward your goal.

However hard you’re working take time off to exercise, and don’t forget to eat healthy foods. (Don’t starve yourself. Eat what’s edible; it won’t kill you.)

Don’t forget to pray. It’ll nourish your soul and give you inner peace.

When I hit rock bottom I walked two miles or more every day, and by the time I got back home I was refreshed.

6. Waiting for help to chase you.

Knock on doors.

Will doors be shut on you? Sure, more than you can count.

Sometimes we ask for help anticipating getting our way. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

I didn’t wait for friends to find me; I went out and became a friend. From that friendship, I was able to join the club, find a place to live, and teach swimming lessons.

If doors close, go in through the window.

If that means changing the course of your plan, please do so; change will not mean losing your dream.

7. Taking it personally when people judge you.

They will judge you by how you look, what you eat, and how you live. When people judge, it has more to do with their own fears and insecurities than you

Turn a deaf ear to these judgments. Feel proud of the journey you’re taking.

8. Dwelling on the negative.

It’s impossible to only focus on the positive, but dwelling on the negative all the time is like a bomb waiting to explode. Your thoughts will hold you hostage from making progress and your mind will be filled with doubt.

Allow yourself to feel the negative. Cry if you have to, but don’t let it take over you.

Releasing your negative feelings will leave you at peace and you will be able to focus on the positive even in tough times.

A positive attitude will help you decide the best strategy for achieving your goals.

9. Comparing yourself to others.

Comparison leads to jealousy and envy. It can kill friendships if not tamed.

Celebrate the success of others instead of being jealous. Let them know you admire them.

Turn the focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have and be grateful for it.

10. Trying to get approval for your dream.

Your dream is a vehicle, and you’re the driver. Don’t let the passengers map the road for you.

Stop trying to win over the people who don’t believe in you and criticize you.

Only seek help from those who support your mission and encourage you, because they will cheer you on along the way.

Hold fast to your dream.

Gear up to fight the storms.

Keep that banner shining.

Never give up, and never give in.

Stand up and face the fear, baby!

Your dream is counting on you.

Do you believe you can pursue it?

Boy reaching for stars image via Shutterstock

June 8, 2015