Tiny Buddha

Author: Angela Marchesani

  • How to Keep Your Strengths from Becoming Weaknesses

    How to Keep Your Strengths from Becoming Weaknesses

    “Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    In my youth, I strived to be “nice.” I tolerated a lot from others. I forgave easily and learned to “turn the other cheek.”

    I made myself constantly available to other people and asked nothing in return. I remained loyal even if people mistreated me. I helped friends even when my need for help was greater. When friends started calling me their “angel,” I was proud at first.

    But soon I became resentful of what that implied.

    If my purpose was solely to help them, then who would help me?

    I felt more like a doormat than an angel.

    In my twenties, the proverbial pendulum swung the other way. I became protective of my emotional resources and was rather “prickly” at times.

    The self-absorption that is typical of adolescence hit me a little later, as a reaction to feeling taken advantage of in previous years. I no longer wanted to be a helper because I no longer wanted to feel used.

    This former strength of mine—helping—now felt like a weakness.

    So for a time, I gave up something I truly valued, because I didn’t know how to use that strength without hurting myself.

    But after a while, I began to feel a disconnect. It was still important to me to help people— friends, family, and strangers alike. But how could I do it in a way that wouldn’t lead to my downfall?

    When a character strength becomes a weakness, how do we maintain what is important to us without harmful side effects?

    If we really examine what’s meaningful to us, we often find there are values underlying our character traits that can guide us.

    On the stage of life, values are the play directors and character traits are the performers. You don’t use the same performer for every role, so the director has to use the best performer for each role to drive the point home.  (more…)

  • When It Feels Too Hard To Keep Trying: Rest or Push Harder?

    When It Feels Too Hard To Keep Trying: Rest or Push Harder?

    “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” ~Pema Chodron

    When working toward a goal becomes difficult, it’s hard to know whether to push or take a rest.

    In my early twenties, living 3,000 miles away from home as a live-in nanny in a very different lifestyle became very stressful. I quit. I felt I couldn’t adjust to it, and I also couldn’t tolerate feeling out of my element every day for months.

    It was a decision I quickly regretted. The family I worked for was amazing, and as soon as I moved home I missed them—and California. I regretted giving up so soon and in a way that impacted two very special young children.

    In hindsight, I realize that had I pushed harder and committed to just a few more months, things would likely have eased for me.

    At the time, I wasn’t aware of how resourceful I actually was, and hovering outside of my comfort zone for so long left me feeling the urgent need to feel grounded.

    Instead of finding other ways to achieve that feeling, I moved back home.

    In college, I was fixated on earning high grades. I loved school and loved learning, but I felt that it only “counted” if it was acknowledged by an “A” on my final transcript.

    I pushed too hard that first year, and I quickly became isolated and depressed.

    By the next year I had learned that if I didn’t rest periodically, my whole life and health would suffer. And all the “A”s in the world can’t buy happiness.

    I’m the world’s biggest proponent of, “Take it easy on yourself.” In my full-time work, I often advise clients to reduce their academic course load to find more balance in their lives. (more…)

  • Quiet Your Mind and Just Play (in 20 Ways)

    Quiet Your Mind and Just Play (in 20 Ways)

    “If it’s not fun, you’re not doing it right.” ~Bob Basso

    I spend a lot of time contemplating and philosophizing about life. According to my mother, I spent the first year of my life silently observing the events around me with a serious stare and a furrowed brow.

    I’ve always leaned toward reverent acts of self-discovery and introspection. In high school I studied Buddhist texts and on Sunday mornings. At age eighteen, when my college classmates were nursing hangovers, I was shopping around for a spiritual home, which I found in the form of my Unitarian-Universalist church.

    For most of my life, I’ve lived with intention and rarely with abandon.

    And I think I’m starting to feel the weight of this.

    Contemplation has its place, but sometimes life just calls for a little spontaneity—a small dose of irreverence interspersed amongst the otherwise-trying bits of living.

    I write this tonight because I have had a few uncharacteristically playful moments over the past few weeks, and I am quite sure they have prevented me from cracking up during some significant stress. Either that or, I am cracking up and my behavior has regressed to that of a four-year-old.

    In either case, it feels good.

    And I want to share those good feelings. So to encourage you to foray into the world of play, I’ve created a list of some things that have brought me unexpected and simple joy the past few weeks (along with some things I haven’t quite worked up the nerve to do just yet).

    Have fun and en-joy!

    20 Ways to Play

    1. Blow bubbles in the bathtub.

    Sometimes they bounce off the surface of the water. And when they pop, they make this satisfying “click” sound. If the lights are off and you have candles burning, the reflection in the soapy dome that hovers on your bath water is mesmerizing.

    2. Hula hoop.

    I just learned this skill. At age thirty-two. It’s addictively fun. Jump “rope” with the hula hoop, too. Just for laughs. My good friend advised me to, “Never hula hoop naked.” But I think that if you’re after laughs, this might be a good route.

    3. Make a paper “fortune-teller.”

    Then write ridiculous fortunes on the inner flaps. Present it to friends and neighbors for a range of amused smiles and baffled glances.

    4. Teach your dog a trick.

    Another hula hoop-inspired one for me, as my dog loves to leap through the hoop with the promise of a morsel of pepperoni. And her enthusiasm is contagious.

    5. Be a “surprise fairy.”

    Leave an anonymous gift or token for someone special. It could be a trinket or a poem, a hand-me-down necklace, or a handmade card.

    6. Belt out a show tune.

    Preferably in public. I won’t even tell you what’s been in my repertoire recently, but it’s a calypso tune sung by an ocean-dwelling animated crab. Catch my drift?

    7. Use stickers.

    Liberally. Just slap ‘em on notes and letters and planners. I dig Hello Kitty, but to each her own.

    8. Write silly poems on the envelopes to your bills.

    Last month’s masterpiece to my electric company expressed my relief at the rising temperatures and the lowered energy bill, and wished the reader a sunny afternoon.

    9. Leave a song on someone’s voicemail.

    Your high school best friend will be thrilled when he leaves work to check a voicemail containing the epic musical swells of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

    10. Play with clay.

    You don’t have to be a sculptor. Get some play clay and roll out some worms, construct a tiny dinosaur (even if it looks like a rabbit), or use a cookie cutter to make a row of stars.

    11. Run down a hill.

    Or roll. Get some speed and feel the abandon. You’re freeeeee!

    12. Draw on the walls.

    Use bathtub crayons and create something while you shower. Or get some sidewalk chalk and have fun making hopscotch courses outside. Tape paper to your wall and scrawl in broad strokes with markers. It’s liberating.

    13. Give in to an urge.

    It’s 11pm and you’re suddenly compelled to drive to the beach? Do it. It’s 10am and the sunshine outside your office window is luring you out to take a walk? Do it. Not all urges are irresponsible.

    I think when we feel drawn toward freedom or to do something spontaneously, it’s usually our soul’s plea for joy and levity. We can’t always ignore that or ask it to wait patiently for the weekend. If we do, it may stop speaking to us all together.

    14. Borrow a kid.

    If you already have one, borrow another for a change of pace. Go to the playground and chase them around. Let them push you on the merry-go-round. When the other adults shoot you a look, smile inside, content in the knowledge that you know a secret to happiness: play!

    15. Swing on the swings.

    With or without kids. Feel the breeze across your face and the drop in your stomach when you go just a little bit higher.

    16. Learn a new trick.

    I still can’t do a cartwheel. And I can’t quite dive. But every time I set out to do either, I feel a renewed zest for life. Try something new and have fun with it.

    17. Play an instrument.

    Bongos and kazoos are fun for the not-so-musically-inclined.

    18. Make a “faerie garden.”

    My mother did this with my son recently. She used an old wooden crate and some found objects, and let him create a beautiful little “garden” filled with ceramic turtles, tree branches, and an angel figurine. There’s no real reason. But why not?

    19. Throw a party.

    Go all out and make it a themed event for all of your friends. Or go small scale and celebrate your dog’s birthday with some balloons, a new toy and a feast of fresh beef and rice. You can celebrate anything, if you want to.

    20. Dance in public.

    At a karaoke bar or in the grocery store. And if you somehow just can’t bring yourself to do it…do it anyway.

    These moments of fun and play are what keep me feeling alive. I consider them to be my soul’s expression of joy. And my body’s expression of joy. And my heart’s expression of joy. But my mind is blissfully quiet during these times.

    In these moments, my mind is off the hook and all I have to do is just play.

    Photo by Brian Tomlinson

  • How to Tackle Resistance to Make Meaningful Life Changes

    How to Tackle Resistance to Make Meaningful Life Changes

    “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” ~Winston Churchill

    A little over two years ago, I wrote these hopeless words in my journal:

    “All around me, I’m noticing people perpetuate patterns they claim to hate or end up in situations they’ve always dreaded. And I can’t seem to break free. When I take steps to make a new life or forge a new path, barriers pop up left and right. I don’t know what to do differently.”

    At the time, it felt as if my repeated attempts at changing the trajectory of my life toward joy and expansion were constantly thwarted by some covert forces intent on keeping me down.

    I felt as if I was fated to feel unfulfilled and discontent for the rest of my life. I felt like maybe everyone was fated to repeat maladaptive patterns and self-sabotaging mistakes.

    My, how things have changed.

    Since then I’ve taken significant steps toward major changes in my life, all bringing me closer to a joyful life based on my “anchors,” or values. My life continues to open up and I am presented with new opportunities daily.

    But there is still resistance. Nay-sayers. Obstacles to this change that I previously thought were unmanageable. In the past when these obstacles came up, I would shrink back into my old life thinking, “I knew I couldn’t do that.”

    In the present, I harness all of my strength and resources and confront these obstacles head-on. I know that there will always be resistance to change. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile.

    I’ve identified the two primary barriers to change, and some strategies for managing both.

    Read on to begin charting a new course for your life. (more…)

  • How Mistakes Can Set You Free

    How Mistakes Can Set You Free

    “If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

    Well, the little blue line was undeniable, and the circumstances unforgettable.

    It was Black Friday 2007, after a full day of work during which my nausea rendered me so useless that my coworkers insisted I buy a pregnancy test on my way home.

    And there was a line.

    But no spouse. No ring. No house. Just a freshly-issued Master’s Degree and the gamut of emotions that come with an unexpected pregnancy.

    Surprisingly, I felt excited to be a mother.

    But I feared what others would think. I was not convinced I could manage on my own. And I questioned how this choice would impact my child for the rest of his life.

    Two potential life paths loomed in my mind’s eye, possibilities for my future after this momentous event:

    Path A projected a life of pain and struggle, feeling ostracized from society and working tirelessly to make ends meet while my child fended for himself and fell in with the wrong crowd as a substitute for his overwhelmed and unavailable mother.

    Path B presented the option of a life where “mistakes” are blessings, and my son and I could grow close together with the support of a village of loving friends and family while I focused on our bond and our health, using all of the resources available to me and constantly bettering our lives.

    Clearly, “Path A” came from a place of fear and shame. Until this event, I didn’t make mistakes. I was always the one who was steadfast and predictable, cautious and planned.

    So this rocked my world.

    Thankfully.

    Because that vision of Path A had haunted me and inhibited me for my entire life, in different ways. Path A was always the worst-case scenario of what might happen if I veered off the beaten path, whether intentionally or by “mistake.” The possibility of Path A prevented me from actually living my life. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Find Your Center When Life Feels Overwhelming

    5 Ways to Find Your Center When Life Feels Overwhelming

    “Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

    We’ve all had moments when life’s demands left us feeling stressed and scattered. In these moments, it’s helpful to have some simple tools to help us gain composure and come back to our center.

    Let me paint a picture for you of a scene from my daily life at its most overwhelming.

    On a recent Tuesday, I drafted my evening’s “to-do” list, which contained the following items: Go clothes shopping for my son, get groceries, cook up some dog food, cook dinner, give my son a bath, put laundry away, walk the dog, and prepare for a workshop that I was to present that weekend.

    Like most working parents, I have to fit a lot of tasks into a brief period of time on weeknight evenings.

    Clearly all of those items weren’t going to get accomplished. But I felt compelled to try.

    And then, mid-afternoon, a feeling of illness began to creep over me, starting with a headache and progressing into nausea and profound fatigue. By the time I got home, I had revised my list, and whittled it down to: Bathe my son.

    I felt incapable of anything else.

    Still, even with a truncated list, my evening became chaotic very quickly. Our newly-acquired dog was dripping blood all over the house, including the white slipcover. She was not sick—she was in heat.

    As I tried to attend to the mess, my son called to me from the kitchen. He held his cupped hand out to me, and proudly exclaimed, “I caught it so it wouldn’t fall on the kitchen floor!”

    I will allow you to draw your own conclusions about what his hand held, but I’ll give you a hint: He’s potty training.

    In the mean time, my head was throbbing, my stomach was retching, dishes from the previous day were piled up in the sink, laundry from the week sat haphazardly on my bedroom chair, and the workshop I was to present in four days had not been planned or prepared for. Not to mention, I had a hungry child and dog to attend to.

    Sometimes, when external factors like these seem overwhelming, we feel unable to remove ourselves from the situation long enough to gain perspective and compose ourselves in order to move forward.

    Very often, these external factors become internalized, and our minds start reeling. “I’ll never get it all done, my life is spiraling out of control, I can’t get myself together…” The internal loop can be loud, persistent, and ultimately paralyzing. And once it begins, it is hard to stop. (more…)

  • How to Create the Life You Want Using Anchors

    How to Create the Life You Want Using Anchors

    “Put your future in good hands—your own.” ~Unknown

    They say that in life, we are never given more than we can handle.

    But sometimes it’s a matter of not accepting more than we can handle. Putting your foot down. Proclaiming, “That’s enough!”

    Recently, a number of stressors confronted me simultaneously. This jolted me out of my comfort zone and forced me to take action toward transforming my life.

    On one fateful Tuesday, I felt so much pressure from the culmination of professional demands, relational conflicts, parenting duties, and financial stressors that I found myself at a familiar crossroads. I felt pulled in a million different directions, with no clear idea of where to go next.

    I was tired of feeling like I was at the mercy of so many external influences.

    The familiar situation always presented me with the following options: find a temporary fix for all of these issues and continue reliving a veritable “Groundhog’s Day” of an existence, or commit to a plan of change and take action.

    This time, I chose action.

    I proclaimed, “That’s enough!”

    Thus commenced “The Anchor Project.”

    “The Anchor Project” is a way of clarifying the primary values for your life, and strengthening them by taking consistent, manageable steps to focus on the life you want and minimize the impact of external factors.

    I began to list the things I wanted in life. I removed all extraneous or superficial goals from this list, and decided to stick with the core values that I considered to be essential.

    I realized that many “goals” were distracting me from obtaining the things I really wanted out of life. So things like, “Run a 5K in under 27 minutes” did not make the cut.

    I didn’t need more on my “to-do” list. I needed transformation.

    I found that there were four primary focus areas that I wanted to improve. These are the non-negotiables in my life, the things that keep me grounded and fulfilled.

    I call them “anchors” because anchors provide stability and security, even in rough seas.

    Once I identified what my anchors were, I began to build on them and fortify them by listing all activities or experiences that might constitute each one. (more…)