Dear D:

Is he physically okay, do you think or know? Maybe he had an accident and is unable to call you. The one time you called him, maybe someone else was using his phone?

How do you know he is okay and how is it that you assume he ghosted you even though there was no fight preceding his disappearance?

anita

Dear D,

I’m SOOO sorry you too are going through this, as nothing has been more painful in my life. If we were teenagers or 20-somethings it wouldn’t have been as surprising, but I (& my now ex partner) are much older than you, & ghosting is the cruelest treatment for anyone to endure. It’s so damned juvenile. It’s commonly thought that people in LT relationships don’t “ghost”, but ours was 3 years long, and it vaporized in exactly the same way, right after hearing all the loving words. Except we never had any disagreements. Nothing has ever been such a kick in the gut like this. At first, you wonder if they’re really alright, you call & only get voicemail, and you text, but neither is ever returned. Check any social media they’re on; you may see activity they’ve had. DO NOT call & plead or beg or anything else that comes across to him as needy or clingy or desperate; keep your dignity & avoid that! No contact after the initial attempts you already made! He could be having a “pulling away” phase, and just needs to be left alone, who knows. My experience with it propelled me to read everything I could on the subject, but probably the most helpful thing to me was getting outside for my run everyday (much healthier than comfort food, and it’ll help you look/feel your best), rather than reading/ruminating over it 24/7. Try to prepare yourself that you may have been ghosted….pamper & love yourself more than EVER….work on minimizing the significance/power you’d handed over to him (he especially doesn’t need to know just how attached you were to him)…reach out to your friends, or even a therapist if possible….meditate, exercise…immerse yourself in your passions….look for new direction now, figuring out what you want to create in your life or how you’d like to grow on your own. I’m still working through it – it’s been months and it’s still as fresh as yesterday. It totally threw me for a loop in the meantime…nothing I should’ve gotten done was accomplished, yet I knew my sanity was my priority. From what I’ve learned, emotionally immature men & men w/poor communication skills ghost because it’s WAY more efficient (in their eyes) & easier than an uncomfortable discussion which just breaks your heart anyway, and men thrive & build their own self esteem by making their woman happy, so ghosting’s their solution….a cop out. You have to remember that anybody that’d do THAT to you is NOT the right man!! And though it’s tortuous, you’d rather find out NOW rather than even LATER, when you’re further invested in him. Him leaving makes space for the RIGHT man to enter your life – one who’d NEVER do that – after you’ve healed & let it go. So work through it now, but don’t ruminate about him forever. After working through it & feeling stronger, you may decide if writing & mailing him a note would help you or not. You had a long relationship & may need to get some thoughts off your chest (whether or not to mail it only you can say). Just draft it carefully (probably many, many times), keeping it concise (unlike this post!), and never send it until you’ve mulled it over & slept on it plenty. Once sent, that’s it! Then, don’t ever look back….move on. Those are just my suggestions; this ghosting was a first for me, so I’m no veteran of it. I just know I’d rather be alone than ever go through THAT again! Sorry I rambled on so long…I joined just to reply to you because it touched such a nerve! You will do great! Work on YOUR LIFE now. And please write back & keep us posted. Blessings & hugs to you!!

Hugs to you D, and Cocolumbine and ChristinemariaA. I can’t even imagine how difficult this is/was for you to endure. I wish I had some helpful advice to share. I just wanted to send you hugs.

So sorry to hear of your situation 🙁 I went through a similar situation recently. Although in my case it was not a romantic relationship, we were in contact for so much of 7 months, I thought we were best friends. To suddenly have nothing broke my heart. I did so much reading as well to try and settle my raging emotions and something I read mentioned that sometimes things like that happen to show you that there is some area of growth that you need to focus on in yourself. Perhaps you need to love yourself more. Might sound a little fluffy when you are actually in pain and wondering why this could happen to you, but when I took a step back and looked at the whole situation, I knew there were parts of my life that I needed to work on for myself.

I agree with everything Cocolumbine and Eris have said, it could be that the person you thought you loved did not actually exist. Because normal people do not do such cruel things to people they say they love and respect.

It might not even be worth getting closure in the form of saying goodbye to that person. I still tell myself that everyday I think of contacting him to “end” it properly. The closure that you seek may perhaps be in the realisation that you deserve someone else better in your life.

Sending hugs and healing thoughts…