Hoping while letting go has got me anxious

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This topic has 16 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 22, 2016 at 5:56 pm #96822

Jane
Participant

The other day my partner and I had a huge argument that’s led us to the point of breaking up (or broken up, I dunno). What started out as a friendly conversation of his business partner buying an expensive engagement ring for his gf led me to conjuring up an old conversation that we had awhile back. I must emphasize that Ive NEVER asked him for anything or by no means am trying to manipulate him or any man Ive ever been with, I work for myself and have always been 50/50 in relationships. So what happened was, I brought up how we had discussed about paying half for something I wanted. It took him by surprise as this was an oldish conversation that I was just bringing this up until now. I didn’t at all think that it would cause him to become so angry or else i would’ve never brought it up. Oh how I wish I can turn back! He felt like he was being attacked by using the fact that his business partner bought something and that I was jealous/trying to manipulate something from him which is untrue but I see his point. Well in all honestly, yes, there was slight jealousy there but I really just wanted him to hear me out. He called me nasty names which he has never used before and tried to force me out his car in the not so pleasant side of town. I couldn’t believe his actions, I was in shock! He was someone I hadn’t experienced before in the times we were together. After the incident we got home and I packed my things and before I left we decided that we didn’t want to be apart so I stayed. I was willing to talk it through as I do love him. We were both silent for the remainder of the night, I think we were both still hurting, so I felt that I should leave for home if he was going to ignore, so I did. We parted on neutral terms.

I contacted him the following day to see how he was doing and since then hes been short and not responsive. I feel things are still left unsaid so at this point I’m at a loss. A part of me wants to just go see him to say lets forget all of this but again yet I feel like I’m always trying for him! Some moments I feel guilty perhaps I’m subconsciously justifying that I was wrong… or was I? We both were in the wrong but deep down I know I didn’t deserve such hatred as he showed me. He knows I care and love him but now I’m worried he’s got a different view about me. I haven’t heard nor contacted him. I’m quite hurt and trying to gather myself and prepare for the worse. Pls any advice, thank you.

-gk

February 22, 2016 at 8:24 pm #96834

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jane:

He called you nasty names and tried to force you out of his car? My goodness! What were the exact words said back and forth in the car just before he called you nasty names and tried to force you out of the car???

anita

February 22, 2016 at 8:30 pm #96836

Bubba
Participant

Dear Jane,

I have been through a very long tumultuous on off relationship which lost its respect and then everything else eventually.

My biggest lesson learnt is that it’s better to let go. It’s never easier but it’s always going to be difficult and painful. Even the strongest of attachments fade when the relationship does not have mutual respect, trust, team work and healthy boundaries. And it’s none’s fault – sometimes it just doesn’t work with someone.

What I read in your mail does not sound like a healthy positive relationship with its ups and downs. And healthy relationships exist – and they start with a healthy relationship with self.

Sending you lots of love,

Kindle

February 22, 2016 at 8:32 pm #96837

Jane
Participant

Hi Anita – I never called him any names, I just came across a bit bitchy perhaps, but once he changed his tone I really stepped back and tried to pull myself outta the hole. He called me a stupid B and stopped the car and opened the door for me to get out. For a split second, I was going to but then it was downtown LA close to the skid row. It was during the day so nothing wouldve happened but still, the audacity of him even doing that has left me hurt. I still reply it in my mind all the time. He apologized for his actions but still Im hurt and he’s hurt. I dont know where we stand now.

February 22, 2016 at 8:52 pm #96839

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jane:

I asked about the conversation in the car just before he opened the door of the car for you to leave so to understand (not to justify his behavior!) his state of mind when he did that. What conversation or argument preceded the opening of the car door?

Also did he call you names before this incident? Any type of worrisome behavior before this incident?

Be back at the computer tomorrow. Please take care of yourself and stay safe!

anita

February 22, 2016 at 9:04 pm #96841
Jane
Participant
Oh! haha I misunderstood. No, hes never called me such names before this incident. In our past arguments, Ive seen him angry but not like this time. So, it was something I brought up from a conversation we had awhile ago. He offered to help me purchase something and I brought it up in my jealousy because his business partner had bought a ring for his gf. I know it sounds childish but it was out of my own insecurities/jealousy. I see that now. He felt attacked and thought I was trying to manipulate him etc. I had never nor shown this kind of behavior throughout our relationship, if anything I’ve been helpful and fair to him. He said Im like all the other girls, always “wanting something” and that Im baggage he needs to get rid of. So many hurtful things he said to me. I dont understand the hatred he has towards me. I know I have been the most loving towards him because I am always that way when im in a relationship. Maybe that my weakness, my fault. I go back and forth in my mind if I’m the bad guy and how I look now in his eyes. Its got me so anxious I dont know how to handle it. Of course I didnt want this to cause our relationship to end. How can he just cut me out over an argument as such? As much as I care how I hurt him he seems to no be worried how I feel.

Kindle, thanks for the words. I know, relationships start with respect which is what we had until this blow up. I mean of course it hasnt been perfect but this is an eye opener. Its a hard pill to swallow to accept when you two are just not meant to be. I’m trying to work on my emotions right now and accept yet I wonder too what hes thinking and what will happen. I just cant help it.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Jane.
February 22, 2016 at 10:19 pm #96863

Anonymous
Inactive

I briefly dated someone who did the exact same thing to me back in May of 2009 while in Long Beach,CA. All because I wouldn’t argue back with her in the car while she was screaming at me. I was doing the right thing by keeping my mouth shut and not arguing back and just listening to her while she was saying “What do you have (material wise) to show for yourself, you don’t own a house like me and own a business like me and you’re 24 years old.” putting me down because of where I worked at the time and because I STILL wouldn’t argue back with her, it made her even angrier. So she put her hand in my face to see what I would do and so I pushed her hand away and told her that, she was now being physically threatening. That sent her over the edge, so she tried to push me out of her car, I told her I was going to call the police and tell them what she just did and for a second I was okay with paying for a plane ticket home but immediately knew that It would put a big hole in my wallet/funds, after I paid my share of the trip to Cali – Gas, hotel and food expenses. I told her all that and told her I wouldn’t call the police, if she would please not talk to me the entire way home and to not ever put her hand in my face ever again! She felt bad at that moment and agreed. Being so young and stupid, I allowed myself to ride in her Toyota Tundra all the way back to North Phoenix (not too far from North Scottsdale at the time.) and the entire 6 hour drive back home, she made my life a LIVING HELL, she was driving crazy and over the speed limit just to scare me, she called her ex-gf right in front of me and spoke to her for an hour on the phone.

The entire way home I literally thought she was going to intentionally kill us and others with her manslaughter/angry type of speeding. I prayed the entire way home to god, to please let me make it home safely. I was scared to death of this woman. Luckily I made it home safely and told her to never contact me again by any means. She agreed after calming down the last 2 hours of the ride home. Even being 24 years old, I stayed calm, didn’t argue and continued to respect someone who was way older than me. Even when my life was in danger. Looking back now, being almost 32 years old now, I should have flown home and allowed the temporary dent in my wallet/bank account at the time. It was obviously the safest choice, looking back but I didn’t know she was going to get worse during the drive home. 4 months while dating her she never displayed any kind of violent behavior towards me, so that entire event left me in shock for awhile.

Being safe and sound and so happy to be home, I moved on without a problem. 3 weeks later she started contacting my roommate and when that didn’t work, she tried contacting me. I told her via-text from my phone ” I asked you to please not ever contact me again, if you contact me again I will have to file a restraining order against you after being violent, threatening my life and asking you politely after dropping me off at home from Cali, to please not ever contact me again.” And she didn’t.

1 year later (spring of 2010) after the dust settled and I forgave her for what she did. I went to her house and had dinner with her and her parents at her house, as for the time I knew her parents while this woman and I dated (they loved me and I loved them). She made chicken on the grill that day, we played board games with her parents and then she wanted to talk to me alone outside. While we sat her in backyard on patio chairs, she looked me in the eyes and apologized immensely for what she did to me a year ago. That she was sorry for being violent with me and also for putting my life in danger. That she was wrong for what she did and for the things she said. I told her that I had already forgiven her and that I accepted her apology.

I left before sundown and thanked her for a lovely dinner, said goodbye to her parents and drove home. We kept in touch every now and then. The last time I spoke to her was 2 years ago, she said she foreclosed her home and moved into a mobile home. She still has her pool business she said and I wished her well. This was via-text and we both kept it brief. The last time I actually saw her was when she cooked/had a bbq at her home in 2010 and apologized once again. We had agreed to stay on good terms with each other and so since then we have but I rarely contacted her on my end since the BBQ.

In conclusion I learned a valuable lesson. Just because I treated her really well, did her laundry, cooked for her and made a great gf/lover. Didn’t mean that she was going to make a healthy partner in return because of the violence she displayed in the end. The lesson is – In order to truly know someone is to be around them for a couple of years to see if it’s a good match and to also see how they handle themselves/behave while on vacation with you. If you can go on vacation with your lover and live with your lover for 1 whole year without a major issue. That means you two are a good match for each other.

Now you all have learned that I am not an angry person and know how to stay calm when in a scary situation.

To who ever reads this, if you are ever in a scary situation. You now know what to do and what NOT to do and how to handle yourself if something like this is to ever happen to you. Which I hope it never does. Jane, I wrote this because I can fully relate and hoped it helped.

Wishing you all the best.

M.

February 22, 2016 at 11:57 pm #96877

Jane
Participant

Wow ElleTinker700, that is quite the story, thanks for sharing. I wish I had the calmness as you do. I am calm but not that calm lol. You sound like a strong woman and I envy that. You clearly know your self worth and that is amazing. I am trying to work on self love / worth all the time. Even with all that shes done you graciously acted like the adult while she looked the like fool. Definitely something to be learned. You’ve given me something to think about it.. thank you

February 23, 2016 at 4:17 am #96880
Inky
Participant
Hi Jane,

This is what went on ~ when his friend proposed to his GF, Life got Real.

There is a clear delineation between the care-free single guy’s life and getting engaged/preparing for the future.

CLEARLY he WASN’T ready yet!! Dollars to donuts he himself was surprised (and embarrassed) by his own reaction! (He will never admit this to anyone). The fact that he would, YES, put your life in DANGER ~ he is NOT the man for you, or anyone. Most DH’s would lay down their life for their loved ones ~ he is NOT ready to be ANYONE’S husband.

And as he is finding out, most women WILL one day talk about/drop hints about where the relationship is going.

Do NOT apologize or contact him!

What a turkey!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
February 23, 2016 at 10:16 am #96899

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jane:

The fact that he told you that you are like all the other girls, wanting something from him, this tells me his rage, the intense anger that you witnessed is anger he has stored in his brain from before he met you. This old anger was triggered by the conversation you had.

I understand you were jealous about his friend buying a ring to his girlfriend. You were not wrong for feeling that jealousy. We don’t choose our emotions. You didn’t know that expressing your jealousy, however way you did, was going to trigger an explosive angry reaction from long ago. Now you know he has that anger. You are not responsible for it. The events leading to that anger happened before you met him.

If you communicate with him again, get together again, this will need to be addressed: his experience with the other girls/ women in his life, his past hurts with the others… even your jealousy. The two of you will need to express your emotions honestly and respectfully, not abusively. He will need to take responsibility for the stored hurt and anger and separate it from the real happenings with you, that is not inaccurately project his hurt and anger at you.

anita

February 23, 2016 at 12:55 pm #96928
Jane
Participant
Dear Anita, you are so right. His is anger is triggered by past relationships and it reared its ugly head at me. I just felt at fault for bringing it up but in all honestly I never intended this to happen and wish I can turn back time. But whats done is whats meant to be seen. I don’t think we will be back together again though after what hes said today. So I felt the need to contact him this morning and I did. And Inky, pls dont judge! I was really regretting it after reading your post lol. Anyway, I just said that I wanted to talk and that if he doesnt feel that we are worth continuing on then to tell me. His response was: “its not that its not worth continuing on – just know that we want different things later on”.

That really hit deep as he knows that ive been quite expressive about wanting to be married / family but not necessarily pressure on him, just a dream I have and he has said long ago that hes not sure if he wants that. Im 36 years old and I would like to get there one day. I feel so silly for staying with someone thats not in the least open minded but I did because he made me happy and I thought we can live in the moment and who knows, people change their minds. I haven’t replied to him since that message. I don’t know if I should say or just leave it be. I really don’t have anything to say if thats how it will be. I feel so numb.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Jane.
February 23, 2016 at 1:50 pm #96933

M
Participant

Hi Jane,

As hard as it is, know that he did you a favor by revealing his true self/feelings. Letting him go will allow for the space for someone else to enter your life; someone whose desires align with yours. Leave it be.

I experienced something similar just this past weekend. My ex was drunk.. told me to “shut the F up” and eventually broke my phone. This isn’t the first time that he’s broken belongings. I’ll admit that I chose this time and time again. I made excuses for him, and because of my own wounds I allowed mistreatment from the beginning of our relationship. And honestly, it brought me back to a dark place; after making progress from my last relationship, I also started to yell and say ugly things in order to hurt him as much as he hurt me.

That is not love. And we all deserve love. I hope you have the strength to move on.

February 23, 2016 at 3:38 pm #96950

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jane:

You are not responsible for the guy’s experiences before you met him, so what got triggered, you had no way to anticipate.

You wrote: ” feel so silly for staying with someone thats not in the least open minded but I did because he made me happy and I thought we can live in the moment and who knows, people change their minds.”

If this attitude did not work for you, maybe you can live in the moment in your next relationship and also talk with your future boyfriend about the future, about his desires and plans for the future, to see from the start if there is a better fit as far as future plans. If he from the beginning is interested in getting married and so do you, then there is a better chance for success (getting married, a win-win marriage, that is).

anita

February 23, 2016 at 5:51 pm #96977

Jane
Participant

Thank you M – I try to remind myself of that constantly. Let go to make space. I have been disappointed over and over with the men in my life its hard to stay positive sometimes.

Anita – I hear you. That is what I made clear to him when we first dated and he was kinda iffy about it then and now I guess I really scared him away. Im not bashing myself, I know its my truth and what I want in life, its just the moving on part and truly accepting thats got me twisted right now. I have off/on anxiety attacks.

February 23, 2016 at 7:49 pm #96983

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jane:

Sorry about your anxiety attacks! What are you doing about those? There are ways to calm yourself, ways that are not destructive to you.. from hot baths to meditation, to calmly talking to yourself… slow yoga… relaxing music and on and on. Take care of yourself, attend to yourself with love, as if you were a loving mother to yourself.

anita
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