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Letting go of anger and remaining calm

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  • July 19, 2015 at 9:41 pm #80114
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello TinyBuddha lovers,

    About 3 months ago my partner ended our relationship. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was very insecure, codependent, and depressed. I met my ex-boyfriend in college and the relationship began very quickly, we didn’t know much about each other. We spent all of our time together. I completely lost all my interests and sense of self in the relationship. I believe the relationship was based on the idea of “fixing me.” My partner said that used to make him happy, but that wasn’t enough anymore. After a couple of months my partner became very critical of me. I’m not sure if that’s the kind of person he is, or he was just tired of being in a relationship with me. He is very quiet and has very few friends if any. I used to be very social and had lots of friends. I’ve had other unstable interpersonal relationships in the past, however my partners were more on the “normal” end. I believe this partner also had a dysfunctional family in which his mother was very critical and demanding of him. He is still immature (Which I understand) and this was his first relationship. I was so unhealthily attached to the relationship. Towards the end I would be very upset and he would give me the silent treatment probably because he felt miserable too. He pulled away and tried to bring him closer. Eventually, I got tired of feeling unwanted and said we should take a break to see what we want. After the break, we met and it seemed obvious that he wanted to break up, but wouldn’t say it. He didn’t give a specific reason for ending the relationship. However, upon thinking and trying to understand the good/bad parts of the relationship I realized that I had become undesirable, insecure, shut down, lonely, and felt unloved and unwanted. I wasn’t happy with myself before the relationship began, but I was very happy in it, however I wanted to spend a lot of time together, but that became the worst thing for the relationship. After the break up, I went no contact for a month. However, we began talking for a bit and we met up for coffee. Then, after a while I attempted to talk to him through text messaging. He is very busy, but he barely responds. Maybe one text response and then no response. Not sure if he was being polite or actually wanted to talk. The biggest issue in the relationship was communication (i.e. asking for space) and it’s still a big problem. He won’t speak up, but I can’t change that. After a while, I got tired of always initiating conversation and being disrespected by showing no interest in wanting to communicate. I cut off all communication once again. Most days I am okay and feeling excited about meeting someone new. I just want to be alone and hate to admit to myself, but i’m afraid of every opening up to someone again. I find it very difficult to be attracted to someone. Sometimes, I feel bad about letting myself be treated badly in the relationship. I’ve grown a lot since then. However, in a couple of weeks I’ll be returning to college and my ex and I will have to be in a club meeting together for about 10 hours a day for a week. My feelings towards him go from angry to indifferent. I’m not sure what to do and how to move on from the anger. I’ve already forgiven myself and forgiven him, but I still feel bad. What if he tries talking to me? I feel so uncertain about everything, mostly my feelings and i’m not sure what to do?

    July 19, 2015 at 11:49 pm #80117
    Livelovelifeeleni HappyMotivation, Advice, Outreach & LifeCoaching
    Participant

    Hi there beautiful!! This is my first reply as I just joined this website to respond in forums and I know I am 18 and maybe too young to give advice but ♥ You are really strong and the fact that you went through having a dysfunctional family and being in this relationship.. you are so beautiful and I’m proud how much you Have grown. From what you’ve written, I can totally relate to want to release the anger of after having an ex. Especially when you can tell they do not want to talk to you or even be civil, you did the right thing knowing your worth and cutting ties with him. Who knows, even though the relationship wasn’t perfect, please never forget the goos memories. I bet He won’t either! Time will only tell what will happen to you and him..such as if you might become friends even!! Keep enjoying life and learn to love and appreciate yourself because you are so gosh darn special♥♥ try not to think of him too much, surround yourself with comforting friends and family, pick up hobbies or new ones and occupy your life and remember that you matter and that YOU deserve to be happy. His loss that he couldn’t put up with a great person anymore. RelationshiP’s teach us alot of things and with each relationship you get a better understanding of what you want or what you are looking for. It is gonna be scary trying to put yourself out there again but then life wouldn’t be worth living if we were scared, right? Try little by little to open yourself up to a person who shows genuine interest in you as a friend or person and to not open up right away. You can still be friendly and civil without revealing much ahout yourself. I also get attached too easily with people but I know that it can be annoying..we all have stuff to work out on in relationshiP’s but I promise you that you will find your prinfe charming and he will make you see that opening up was truly worth it. In time the anger shall diminish and you’ll learn more about life and yourself. He wont seem that bad to you. Write down reasons why you are angry or how you feel in a letter and rip it up or send it to him too, so there are no regrets at all. Better to say what’s on your mind rather than not to.You might even be friends again. Best regards , Eleni♥ (P.Sstay amazing, you beautiful person. All the best to you♥)

    July 20, 2015 at 5:32 am #80122
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Annie,

    I hate the feeling of being someone’s “project” LOL.

    This is what you do concerning the club thing:

    Be polite, no more, no less. Be friendly, but don’t try to be his friend. This is a subtle yet powerful difference.

    Let HIM initiate contact/conversation from now on. Best case scenario if he wants to get back together don’t do that until next year. He blew it with you, so he has to mature and feel what it’s like NOT being with you.

    What I would also do is something simple. The next time he sees you wear/cut your hair different. Have a different wardrobe. Have new pieces of jewelry. This will subconsciously (or consciously!) let him know that life has gone on for you, you’ve had new experiences, and are just fine on your own!

    Best,

    Inky

    July 20, 2015 at 8:19 am #80127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie:

    Here is a possibility, just a possibility: your ex bf had a very critical and demanding mother (you stated that). As a child he tried to gain or earn her acceptance of him. And failed. He carries great hurt and anger in him for not having been accepted, loved. He is anxous about connecting with people and that is why he doesn’t have much of a social life. He has experienced criticism from the figure of his main and most powerful attachment- his own mother and is afraid of getting the same from others, understandably so.

    Then he meets you and somehow you settle into the Fix-her M.O. – he is trying to fix you and you wanting to be fixed or encouraging or allowing it. As long as he is trying to fix you, that means he has the hope that you will accept him and love him. Just as he tried to fix his mother, he is trying to fix you for the same goal. Once he lost the hope that you will accept him- he withdrew, gave you the silent treatment. He gave up.

    Now being in contact with you means a great frustration for him, the reminder of how it didn’t work out with his mother- he wasn’t accepted and loved by her and he wasn’t accepted and loved by you.

    Whatever it is you had in that relationship, it did not sum up as acceptance and love.

    If you think this is a possibility of waht happened in a nut shell …??? then when you see him in that club meeting… what do you expect to happen? What do you wish happened? What is the best way for you to proceed?

    anita

    July 20, 2015 at 6:51 pm #80157
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello livelovelifeeleni,

    I agree that relationships teach us a lot about ourselves and help us understand future relationships. I’m just left with feelings that I can’t put words on.

    Inky, I really love what you’ve said here that I should be polite and friendly, but don’t try to be his friend. I believe that’s exactly what he does to me. I’m not sure I could ever get through the pain that have intentionally/ unintentionally enough to want to re-kindle the relationship.

    Anita, I believe you are correct and have definitely considered these things myself. There was definitely encouragement in the “fix me” department. That was the premise of our entire relationship. I realize now that he could never have saved me. I have to save myself. I don’t think I was conscious enough to where he would feel accepted. I was concerned of my own interests at the time. Ah, the part about reminding him of his mother is very interesting. That may very well be the case. I’ve played the initial meeting over and over again as we’ve lost contact for about two weeks now. I think he will definitely come and say hello and I will be kind and polite. I’m afraid all of my feelings for him will resurface, but he won’t feel the same. I want to say that I want the relationship, but there is no relationship anymore. At the same time I don’t want the relationship because the “romantic” aspect of it is gone. I’m not quite sure what to do.

    July 21, 2015 at 8:59 am #80174
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie:

    What if you form an intention to learn from this, just learn, form curiosity to find out What Happened? Maybe not now, not when you are overwhelmed with feelings, pulled here and there by strong feelings… if and when you are calm enough to be more objective, detached enough to be able to SEE more of what was and what is there to see. Then, maybem, you can have a conversation with him that will make it possible to see more.

    When you are strongly influenced by emotion, you are probably too attached to certain kinds of thinking, tunnel vision thinking, a vision distorted by strong emotions. Then there is confusion.

    If you could get to a place of calm- if there is something you can gain in this situation, it can only be if you are calm and detached enough- then you can talk with him, and if he is calm enough himself, and feels safer in your calmness- then maybe a very revealing- maybe even life changing in some way- conversation can take place and you will go: wow, I had no idea!

    You can be polite and find a way to manage around him- fine. That can be very useful for you. On the other hand IF you have it in you to pursue greater insight, you can move beyond just managing yourself around him and explore. Explore without an agenda, but for curiosity sake, so to learn, to see more.

    anita

    July 21, 2015 at 8:16 pm #80209
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello again Anita,

    I believe that’s a good idea. Since I don’t have much real relationship experience anyways, I could use this wisely and learn. From my childhood, I’ve developed a defense mechanism in which I forget the details of a traumatic incident. It has helped me survive this long, but now I can only vaguely remember the relationship.

    I’m not sure he is comfortable speaking about it or maybe that is just my thought projected onto him. I think the best thing for me is to let go and live and if HE comes back to communicate see how I am feeling and respond accordingly. I’m afraid trying to “learn” or “understand” might make it seem like I don’t want to let go of the relationship. What do you think?

    July 21, 2015 at 8:42 pm #80210
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie:

    It may be a bad idea to do as I suggested, maybe at another time, not anytime soon… talk to him only if you can handle it- you decide what you can handle, and if and what you want to know from him. It may not be a good idea to do it anytime soon, to adopt the attitude I suggested. You wrote taht you forgot the details of traumatic events in your childhood and even the relationship with your ex bf, did I understand correctly? There is so much healing potential in a relationship with another, healing from a traumatic childhood. There is that potential and I wish your relationship with him was such. I wish that in your relationship with him, you both healed some from your two … unsatisfactory childhoods.

    You were both hurt and both went about getting your needs met … and you did not go about it the ways that work. There is healing you need to do, and I hope you focus on your healing, look for ways to heal: good psychotherapy? Connecting with HELPFUL others? Somehow, today, or tonight, do one little thing FOR you… In relations with any other, be selective, see to it that the relationship helps you, that it is helpful to your healing and avoid those that are not helpful. One step at a time, one day at a time, patiently, over time.

    anita

    July 21, 2015 at 8:56 pm #80212
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Yes, you understood what I wrote correctly. I see what you are saying in healing. I’m not sure if he related with me though – at least not yet. He doesn’t see things as I do, or he just won’t speak about it. I’ve met his mother and she is extremely unstable. She snapped at me, while I was in conversation with someone else. It was completely uncalled for. His father seems to have developed alcohol dependence, wouldn’t be surprised if it was because of his marriage. He said his parents weren’t happy with each other. He is attached to his mother completely and doesn’t see anything wrong with it, at least not yet. He is still trying to win her approval or make her love him. I don’t think it will ever happen, people like that can never have enough. At her age, after having a number of children she would have learned by now to be gentle and loving. I can’t fix him.

    Do you have any suggestions for me? You are so wise. I have currently detached from another co-dependent relationship with a toxic friend. In the detachment phase, she made me feel ashamed as if I wouldn’t be able to be on my own and figure out who I am and that I would be weak and suicidal. Fortunately, that is not true as I am choosing solidarity for myself and will be making new friendships with boundaries and respect. I learned that she was a toxic person, I told her very personal and hurtful experiences which she then shared with other people. I let it go, but now I see how untrustworthy she is. There is lots of drama and negativity surrounding her that I don’t want. I don’t want to speak to my other friends about it, because then it will seem as if i’m bad mouthing her and it will be out of context. I thought that it was good for me to have a friend who had shared experiences, but i’ve moved on from that. I don’t want to live in the past and want to be confident and happy in the future. I’m not sure how to meet new people? I’m in college and very friendly, but i’ve become more anxious lately. It’s difficult for me to know what appropriate boundaries are. It seems as if most of my friendships lack boundaries and I want that to change.

    July 21, 2015 at 9:08 pm #80213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie:

    I read your other thread and will read it again as well as your note to me above tomorrow morning, ten hours or so. I want to give your posts my full attention with a fresh brain I hope to have tomorrow. Until then, take care-
    anita

    July 22, 2015 at 8:33 am #80231
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Annie:

    I just wrote to you on the other thread. I ended with a point of attachment to a parent/s. Here you wrote about your ex bf: “He is attached to his mother completely and doesn’t see anything wrong with it, at least not yet. He is still trying to win her approval or make her love him. I don’t think it will ever happen, people like that can never have enough. At her age, after having a number of children she would have learned by now to be gentle and loving.”

    Are you too attached to your abusive mother? Abusive father? Unlike your bf you do see something wrong with what your father and mother are doing, but are you too still trying to win their approval or make them love you?

    And do you believe that your mother too, and your father as well, at their age will not become gentle and loving?

    I am remembering now that you wrote that in your relationships you go from attachment to detachment and nothing in between. This is telling me that your attachment is strong, your need to be loved is so very strong that you desperately cling. And then out of fear you detach, desperately protecting yourself. Desperate… I wonder if you can live with your desperation without automatically reacting to it by giving in to it all-the-way OR running away from it all-the-way. Brings a line from a song (The Impossible Dream), can you ” bear with unbearable sorrow”- that desperation, that need… over time, with healing…

    regarding your toxic friend, as you put it- there are many people out there that share having lived a miserable life, a miserable childhood and yet they have taken up the role of further abusing another. How common is that… fact of life. A shared history or a shared life story does not equal empathy and shared values or growth or healing.

    If you would like to write me furhter here, please do.

    anita

    July 22, 2015 at 4:06 pm #80268
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I stopped trying to make them love me or make them happy because it won’t ever be enough. My mother always tells everyone else how good and smart I am, but when it comes to me I can never have the perfect grades or hair, or looks, or anything. Most recently my choice of career was disrespected and was excused as if I wasn’t able to pursue it even if I wanted.

    You are right, my attachment is strong, but it was really painful. I am open to new relationships, just don’t think it’s okay to stay in between the relationships I’ve left since they are one-sided. I didn’t detach with my ex until I realized that he was not respecting me and was half heartedly responding to my texts messages. Is it not true that when someone loves us and wants to be with us then they also make an effort?

    I think we didn’t respect (my friend) each other’s boundaries. We didn’t have any boundaries and a lot of the times that led to me being very upset. I would like to have healthier relationships. With my ex and toxic “best friend” out of the picture, I’m left with casual friends. I think those friends are good for me though, they don’t cling (which will left me create healthy space in relationships) and they aren’t reckless. I’m thinking of writing down the type of friendships/relationships i’d like.

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