“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is not being served.” ~Nina Simone
I completely fell for someone.
It was one of those instantaneous connections, the kind that movies are made of. That’s how it was in my head, at least.
But it didn’t matter, as I was moving to another city, traveling, and exploring by this point. There was no way anything was going to happen, because there was no space in either of our lives for it.
Almost a year later, we found our way back to each other. It was fireworks. Long conversations, physical connection, honesty. We carved out places for ourselves. I found that I didn’t have to play games, that I could be completely open with him.
I decided to make space for him in my life, no matter what.
There came a point when I asked him whether we were working toward anything more substantial, and though he admitted to feelings for me, he said that he didn’t have the capacity for anything serious.
It stung, yet how could I let go of someone who made me feel this way? The highs were so high.
We tiptoed around a relationship that stemmed from something real, yet became based on addiction and longing. It was a dangerous cycle of feeling broken when he left and high when he re-entered my life.
I knew he was working through his demons, too, and though I believe he cared for me on some level, he didn’t have the ability or desire to give me what I needed—his consistent presence, and the foundation for something healthy and meaningful outside of the honeymoon and infatuation stages.
I was taking what was offered to me, even though it wasn’t enough.
Whenever he’d come back into my life, I’d cling to him emotionally and our connection would be as strong as ever, yet I’d return home in tears, knowing that it would be a long time between ‘hits.’
I felt myself shatter and became prickly toward him when we saw each other, unwilling to properly communicate my discontent, since it came at the risk of one of us finally walking away.
We could both see I was getting hurt and that he felt stifled by expectation, yet neither of us had the capacity to shift our desires or leave, so we’d find our way back to each other again.
It was the perfect storm. Eventually, we had to hit a wall.
When we ended, it was not because I’d stopped caring, but because we were unwilling to shift what we wanted or could offer one another.
There was no drama of hurtful words—he had not lied to me or cheated, and I hadn’t been anything but upfront about how I felt or what I wanted. We just weren’t on the same page.
Even though the split felt counter-intuitive, we were in an uncomfortable stalemate. The only option was to walk away. I learned some important lessons, however.
Remember what you are willing to accept, and be honest with yourself about it.
At first, I merely wanted to know he had space for me in his life. I thought I could accept our off/on dynamic because I was in a place in my life where I was focusing on what I wanted to achieve outside of intimate relationships. But the more I was around him, the more I wanted something meaningful.
I began to strongly believe that we could be in a healthy and functional relationship; however, my belief didn’t change the present reality, which was only hurting me.
While it’s good to see how things unfold, if someone doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated and the whole situation is bringing you down, you are doing a disservice to yourself by staying.
You need to take care of yourself before you allow anyone else in your life. No one is there to ‘fix’ you.
Because we had such an intense connection, I lit up around him. I felt like I was the best version of myself. Though he was someone I genuinely cared about, he inadvertently became an easy way for me to feel better and worthwhile, and I came to rely on that validation.
We were on shaky ground already, and my dependence on his fluctuating presence made the way I perceived myself even more tumultuous.
It’s difficult to have a healthy relationship if someone is filling a void instead of just adding to the great person that you are. The first step, however, is to believe you’re worthy outside of that connection.
I needed to learn to be happy with myself and my decisions without someone reassuring me. For me, that occurred by exploring the things I craved to my core: writing, traveling, reading, and meeting new people.
I committed myself to nourishing experiences, recognizing my own thoughts and habits, and behaving in a way that was kind to myself.
You can’t pry someone’s heart open, nor might you be enough to change them.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, or doesn’t have the capacity to be with you, then there is nothing left for you to do but respect that decision and try to reassemble your life without them.
Both people need to be willing to make an effort and come to the table with open hearts and open minds. You can’t fight for something if it’s not on offer.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. But if it can’t now, you have to move forward.
There is a time to fight and sometimes, a time when you need to walk away. Instead of frantically searching for a resolution, sometimes we just need to get off the emotional roller coaster.
Whether that means taking time apart or splitting for good, there is opportunity in learning to live your life as best you can outside of your relationship. You never know what might happen down the line, but unless a shift occurs for the both of you, it is impractical to entertain the possibility of a reunion.
I’d love to say that my feelings have subsided completely, that I don’t feel a sting in my chest when I think of him, but that isn’t the case. However, I have enough self-awareness to know that we couldn’t continue that cycle, that I needed someone to be on the same page as me, and that I needed to grow and heal before I could be in a relationship—with him or anyone else.
Everything in our life is a reflection of the choices we have made, and once we’ve exhausted all possibilities, we need to start making new decisions.
Though it can feel counterintuitive, letting go of a love that isn’t good for you right now is an act of kindness to yourself.
About M. J. Ross
M. J. has a background in psychology and a keen interest in mindfulness therapy. She finds comfort in the universal familiarity of interesting conversation, Earl Grey tea, and good playlists. A strong believer in a well-rounded approach to well-being, she also develops platonic crushes on inspiring people and enjoys exploring new places in the world.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for this post and the timing it has come to me. I am currently in the process of getting over someone who I thought was perfect for me. I’m 30 and she was someone I actually had a crush on all through high school, but she always had a boyfriend. Over the course of my 20s I would see quotes or pictures of her on Facebook and I just had this hunch that if we were ever to cross paths sparks would fly. Sure enough in January last year we did and indeed sparks did fly. Our conversations were long and in-depth, the physical attraction was most definitely there, and we both felt good in how we made each other think and feel. There was just one problem though.. She was a single mother and at the time I was just not sure how to handle that variable of kids if we were to progress into an actual relationship. Ironically, I had just come out of a career path of wanting to be an elementary teacher but had reached burnout and just needed a break from kids altogether, so it put me in a tough spot because I really did have feelings for her. After a month or so into our connection I had to pump the breaks on where we were going. I took a break from seeing her, but then after a month we came into contact again and our connection was present and heartfelt. As the year progressed and the more I spent time with her, the more my feelings became stronger, but again I would have this feeling in the back of my mind that I couldn’t give myself fully to her because of thinking about her son. I didn’t want to only give half of myself when I knew she deserved more. This conflict eventually again caused us to drift apart until my birthday this year I decided I wanted to try floatation therapy (sensory reduction tank) to assess where I was at in my life. The experience was one of the most profound I had encountered and during my time in the tank I began to see what was most important to me in my life. I began to see that relationships were important to me and that I wanted to nurture and maintain the ones I already had. Of course, with this thought she entered my mind again and I began to see that what I felt around her was something special that I wanted to try to breathe life back into. I told her this year how I felt, but it was not met with the open arms that I thought it would. She had already moved on and to my surprise she was seeing someone. She had told me it was not the same connection that we had, but that things were going well. She had then told me that she was actually hurt and upset with me in the past because of my inability to see what we had and to not commit to it. I had played with her heart basically with connecting with her on a deep level, but then not fully committing. I realized this and then suddenly sank into regret which has been hard on me. We went another month not seeing each other until one day she left a voicemail wanting to hang out. I misread the tone of her voicemail and thought that maybe there was a change of heart and that maybe we could get together again. After a few weeks of finally getting on the same schedule to where we had time to hang out, we met only to find out that she is still seeing this other guy. When I heard her say this my heart just sank and then I felt stupid for getting my hopes up on the whole deal. I felt like a dog when their ears go down after they misbehave and their tail goes between their legs. For me, this feeling is one that has surfaced my whole life. I’ve dealt with rejection ever since my childhood in losing my parents at a young age. So when I fall for someone, its usually pretty hard. She then told me that even if we would have gotten together it probably would not have lasted and that she does not do well in relationships. All of this was a shock to me, but I knew I had to start the process of letting her go. I guess what hurts the most is that she has been the best girl I have come across in my life as far as a connection and attraction goes. I know better than to live in the past, but this one stings because of the depth of the connection we had and the reality that I just have to let go. I have been trying to tell myself every day that was it meant for me will find me. I could relate to your story in the part of just not being on the same page. She was really into me when I was not there fully and now the tables have turned. I know I just need to look at this as its not meant to be, but its just been a challenge for me.
Again, thank you for this post. Hope you have a great day!
This was a great post. 7 years ago, I met that person – the one with the instantaneous connection. We tried to make it work then, but we both had many of our own issues to deal with first. We talked now and then, until finally, 5 years and a whole lot of self realizations after our first meeting, I got to a point where I was able to let it go completely.
One month later, I found myself across the table from him at a restaurant. 1 year later, we were engaged. And this year, we were married. We’re both older and wiser and learned what we, as individuals needed before we could have a healthy relationship together. It might not always work out this way – but I had to come to terms with it, take responsibility for myself and realize my own dreams before anything could happen, whether it be getting passed it entirely, or reconnecting with him in a healthy, mature way. Thank you for sharing your story!
Hi Josh, thanks for reaching out! Firstly, it is nice to hear that my words resonated with you, and thanks for sharing your own story 🙂 It sounds like you were honoring what you felt was right at the time when you said you didn’t have the desire or capacity to commit. However, while it is unfortunate that the timing didn’t work out for the two of you, it sounds like she needs to explore her present relationship and you have to let go and heal.
I am sorry that it did not go the way you had hoped, but perhaps you have learnt more about yourself, and if or when a new love comes along, you will be ready for it.
Maybe in the process of all this, your heart has expanded for a love you didn’t
even know you were capable of! I think the hurt and regret is a natural
byproduct of letting go, and I truly hope you get through this time and are
being kind to yourself in the process.
I am sorry about your parents, perhaps seeing a professional who can delve through the issues you mentioned would be a source of healing for you. I also like turning to comfort in the everyday things: remembering to take deep breaths, writing, and surrounding myself with great people and new experiences.
I hope you have a great day, too, all the best!
Hi Jeanine, thanks for also sharing your story! I think that when letting go is the only option left, that is what has to happen. It is great to hear that letting go actually allowed you to grow into yourself and allowed for your relationship to flourish down the track. I hope everything is going well for you and your husband 🙂
Heart break is never easy.You never know who you will meet in the future and what type of connection you’ll have. You know that saying, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” As I healed from my heart break, this became true. Take care.
Very good points, thank you
Thank you for sharing
I lost several years of my life when I was much younger, unable to let go of what was a hopeless love; it took me an equal amount of time to get back to being ‘me’ again… and then, then I did find true love, reciprocated love, and I found real happiness too. We have been together for twenty-five years, and been through several very hard and difficult things, but with each other’s love and support we have come through.
This is a great post, I just hope people who are caught in the wrong relationship find your words of wisdom and advice!
I could relate to what you have said deeply. I broke up with someone whom I thought was “the one and only for me” , one month ago. He did not cheat, he did not lie, he was scared to tell me the truth… The truth that he had fallen out of love. Three months of dragging, bargaining, begging, making up and patching up created a hellish bedlam in my head untill i finally decided to put an end to this one sided relationship. Because i gradually realised that i was hampering my life for someone who no longer was the one whom i had fallen for. He changed and has no feelings for me. So , i have decided to live for myself now. I cannot see myself going through all that mental agony. Ofcourse, it hurts. But as you said,’ If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. But if it can’t now, you have to move forward.’
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your inspiring thoughts. This will heal millions of broken hearts. I truly believe what you have said. It’s easier said than done because we are vulnerable human beings. But I believe if we can get through the tough times with this positive attitude and determination, our lives will only get better. Cheers to the bright future.
M.J. Do you have a personal blog or website? I tried researching any other writings you’ve done after reading your first tiny buddha article “When you feel pressured and overwhelmed by possibilities” because everything you seem to write strongly resonates with me. It is almost like you are speaking directly to me and I thoroughly enjoy the message you are sending. So for that, I say thank you.
Hi Lois, thanks for sharing your story 🙂 I’m so pleased that you found reciprocated love, and that you’ve made it through the trickier times with the support of one another – there is strength in love like that. Keep well!
Hi Ananya! Sounds to me like you’re making a very wise decision to move forward with your life – its hard to walk away from what we want (or wanted), but sometimes it’s the only sensible option. You deserve more than a one-sided relationship! This could be a new chapter for you to focus on yourself, and who knows what the future holds? All the best 🙂
Hi Cindy, that’s kind of you to say, I hope this post helps people out there! It is not an easy process to mentally disengage from those sorts of feelings, but I think we need to stay true to what we need and deserve. Thanks for reaching out! 🙂
Leyla, that was such a flattering question, thank you! I don’t have a personal blog or website at present but it is (potentially) in the works. Comments like that make me think I need to stop procrastinating, so keep an eye out 🙂 I hope things are going well on your journey, all the best!
Hi M.J., thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s been a year now since I broke up with him and there hasn’t been a single day passing by without me thinking of him. We were not together for a long time, but we had this instant connection, and we were committed to each other right from the start without even thinking about it. It just felt like everything felt into place. I had serious relationships previously, but never felt a physical, mental and emotional connection all the same with someone before. He told me he loved me and made plans for us.. But not long after that he started to act weird, breaking promises, making excuses, until one day he told me, he just liked being alone since he’s never really been single and it’s not because he didn’t think we could be long term. He broke me in pieces. So I walked away. He was still keeping in touch with me, texting me everyday for months after our breakup. I had hopes we could be together again, but at one point I had to be honest with myself that it was too painful staying in touch. It has all stopped now. It was my birthday two months ago, Nothing from him. I am in a good place now. I’ve found a new job which I love, I enjoy my life, pursuing new things and yet, there are so many moments when I am thinking “oh I want to tell him this”. Part of me feels so guilty that I am still thinking about him. I do want to fall in love again, have a relationship, find this connection again… I often wonder whether I am normal, grieving for someone for so long whom I only knew for such a brief period of time…
A connection is a connection no matter how short. Try not to judge it or yourself. I have been in similar situations to the one you describe.
Hi Kelly, I agree with Shannon. I think that there is no time limit when it comes to connection – feeling that way (falling in love) is going to shake you irrespective of
the time you were together. if ultimately it is painful to keep someone in
your life, then it is time to re-evaluate, and it sounds like you were looking out
for yourself and honouring the kind of relationship you want. I truly believe that people who are meant to be or want to be in our lives in a healthy manner will find their way back; but, in such cases we have to focus on the present reality, take the lessons that we learned and live our life – and it sounds like you have been doing just that! Please don’t feel guilty about thinking about him; those thoughts are completely natural so be kind to yourself in those moments. All the best 🙂
I loved loved loved this post. Currently in the same position. Just walked away from someone who hurt me greatly and did not want to be with me any longer. It felt as if I was dragging him to even speak with me. We both have issues from our childhood and have opposite attachment styles. I’m more anxious and he is avoidant. I go closer to him and he pulls away further. Unless things change, we can not be together. I can totally relate to the “just wanting a space” in their life. However, I realize that I deserve so much more and If I keep holding on I will never have the chance to actually get that love from someone else. Thank you!
Hi Annie 🙂 It sounds like you were able to recognise what was going on (childhood issues do tend to resurface in adult relationships if not deal with) and do what was best for you. You certainly deserve to have someone who is excited to be a part of your life. Take care!
I love and hate this post. Love the message, hate knowing what I too have to do to take care of myself.
Hi DJ, I can appreciate that this is a fairly brutal post, take care!
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’tc want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. wex had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go backc in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Hi Annie, your comment really resonated with me, I’m in essentially the same boat right now. I’m also an anxious attachment style, and am constantly drawn toward avoidant men. There’s an excellent book called Attached (Heller/Levine) that has really helped me understand why anxious are drawn to avoidants, and how to recognize avoidants before getting hurt by them. Sounds like you know something about attachment theory already, but just in case you’re looking for a good read. I wish you all the best.
Wow! its surprising how many people have the same story going on.. i could relate myself with u in every word u typed.. and just recently i started the first step..”understanding what i am ready to accept”.. its been a week and its extremely hard but i hope it will get better.. i have been on this emotional rollercoaster for 7 months now and i m getting myself ready to let it go.. i never had the strength but i hope its for the best.. thank you for your words of wisdom.. it encourages me to hold on to my decision and to be strong..
Great post!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s difficult to call the relationship quits, especially when someone isn’t meeting you halfway with the expectations. I remember ending a relationship last year, and unfortunately, it wasn’t easy.
My ex-boyfriend was on the verge of spending a few years in prison on a assault with a deadly weapon charge. It was impossible for me to want more in a relationship from him, since he couldn’t go out to certain hotels and restaurants. I felt that he was making excuses. I had to do a lot of soul searching, and discovered that I was settling for less. Reality hit me hard! I called my ex-boyfriend to let him know that we should go our separate ways. He was extremely disappointed, but I was disappointed. The relationship was at a stand-still, and we weren’t going anywhere! The break-up gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my expectations from a man and relationship.
I have a new boyfriend now, and so far, he’s exceeding my expectations. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but hopefully, it’ll turn out all right.
Hi Jen, thanks for reaching out! Letting go isn’t easy, especially as we realise we might not be receiving what we want or feel we deserve. Change is difficult, but it can be for the better in the long run. Take care 🙂
Hi there! It sounds like you realised that there was a discrepancy between what you were being offered and what you wanted. I am happy to hear that your new boyfriend is exceeding your expectations, keep well 🙂
I’m experiencing a breakup, and this post reinforced the fact that I made the right decision – to walk away. There’s no point in holding on to something that was never yours to begin with. Having a flaky relationship isn’t healthy, and dampens the soul.
Hi Justine! I’m glad this post helped in some way; walking away is hard, but still the better option in an unhealthy dynamic. I wish you the best!
Wow you just wrote my life as of last year…nothing dramatic no bad words and it would have been easier if there was someone else. It would have been easier to hate him then to love him so much as I do. But I have grown immensely. I have no significant other in my life but I remain hopeful that the right person will come along. I have to keep my heart open and receptive. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but enjoy the growth and the lessons you can take from that experience. I’m glad to hear that you’re keeping your heart open 🙂 All the best!
Thank you, I hope you are moving on at whatever pace you are comfortable with. You deserve to have the love you want. I will check out the book.
Thank you for this post M.J. It is so crazy how we can at times become addicted to a relationship and crave a person even when we know how toxic it is to be with that person. I have witnessed this in the lives of many of my friends and I have experienced it for myself. There were so many times when I felt as if I was suffocating inside that relationship, yet I convinced myself that I could not be without him. I am thankful for growth. I applaud everyone who has gained the strength to walk away when the person or timing just isn’t right.
But memories won’t go.. Its so hurting.. Why we have to fall in love with someone who won’t love us back? Its so cruel
Thank you so much for this post! I am going through this very thing right now and it is incredibly helpful to hear all of your words. I bookmarked the page so I can come back to it when I need it. Thanks again!!!
Hi Ananya, I’m in a similar position as you. I’ve been with who I thought was my “one and only” for the last five years and within the last month, we broke up. He didn’t fall out of love with me, but he didn’t love me enough to stand up to his father. His father is completely against him being with me and has been all 5 years of our relationship. I finally realized that I can’t be with him presently (or ever), so I decided to focus on me and do what’s best for me. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
You are most welcome Jenn, I’m glad that it has helped you on your journey. All the best!
No, the memories won’t go, but the pain will lessen, I promise! The heart wants what it wants, my friend, but it is up to us to recognise when we’re not being given what we deserve or need! All the best!
Sad that you are too going through the same situation. But you know what, I feel a lot better now since I have started implementing all positive thoughts and activities which I have acquired through advices from people who have been through this. I am sure you too will feel better and positive about the future. Every situation has a silver lining. Help this break up be a life-lesson to you and grow better and stronger. 🙂 Thanks for your wishes and the same go for you.
You’re right, it is crazy, our addictions aren’t always good for us, and even love can be an addiction! It is so important to not remember to lose ourselves within the relationship and to remember our own self-worth… and be treated the way we deserve. I applaud everyone who can do this too; I think it is one of the hardest things to do. Thanks for reaching out 🙂
Great article! Your statement at the end, there’s a time to fight and a time to know when to walk away holds true for me. Sometimes walking away is so much harder than fighting. I’m usually the doer, the fighter, doing something. But walking away can be more powerful than we think.
Hi Bri! I agree; sometimes walking away is definitely harder than fighting, because it means acknowledging sometimes painful truths. Glad the words resonated with you, all the best 🙂
I appreciate this. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
This post touched something in me… I am married to an amazing person. He is kind, gentle, committed to me, he is the perfect husband. But things that I deeply crave and need to feel love are not there… He doesn’t like kissing or touching – I am the opposite. His interests are few and do not coincide with mine. Most of the things I love about life are not shared with the person I want to share them with the most. I don’t know what to do. Do I keep working on this relationship or call it quits?