Hi Charlotte,

I’m new here but I felt a connection so I’ll try to explain my thoughts.

I used to say that guilt was the emotion that defined me. I felt guilty about everything. A counsellor told me that if you strip guilt back and look at it closer, it’s anger directed at yourself.

I, like you, have been on a journey. Five years ago I was in a bad place. The death of a friend made me realise if I didn’t do something now, my life would end like hers. I was depressed, compulsively hoarding and struggling with OCD. I reached out and got help.
The guilt in hoarding disorder is huge. It’s one of the things that stops many people getting better. The guilt is so painful they can’t face even looking at the problem. Guilt can create a vicious circle.

You are brave. You have been working on the problem and it sounds like you have turned a corner. Is that how you feel? I love your words “I can feel interest in people and things in a completely different way. I can feel myself.” You sound strong.

When I was dealing with the hoarding behaviour I would feel such intense emotions. The fear, guilt, and sorrow were so strong they would take my breath away. Someone told me about acceptance and commitment therapy. (If you want to find out a little bit about it look on youtube for a video called “passengers on a bus ACT metaphor”). The basic gist is that you accept your negative thoughts and feelings for what they are, don’t deny their existence but still live the way you want to live.

I name mine. I say “Ooh, there’s fear here” “I’m feeling anxious about this” “I feel guilty that this bottle cap can’t be recycled” and then I throw out the bottle cap anyway. I was part of an online support group and I would post on there “had a thought that I am insulting my grandmothers memory by throwing out a damaged gift she gave me but I’m throwing it out still. I still love her.”

It is hard but I got there. I can honestly say that I am in a better place now than I have ever been. I’ve dehoarded my whole house. I am truly living my life for the first time. I still have negative thoughts. I still find that voice “You’re so useless” popping up. I say “mmm, interesting” and then carry on with what I’m doing. It’s made me strong.

You sound like you are in a good place. Keep going. Accept those thoughts and feelings, but don’t let them be the boss of you. It is my opinion that these feelings were always there, I just obeyed them before. I hoarded, I allowed guilt to define me. When I stopped doing what they told me to do, they started shouting louder. I think this might be what has happened to you? You have had a breakthrough and the thoughts and emotions are rebelling. Carry on with what you are doing. You are doing great.

You said “I actually feel free to make deliberate choices” and “I feel all these new possibilities in my life and with myself”

I love these words. It sounds like you are coming towards purpose. That was the major, major breakthrough for me. I realised the reason I was being so self destructive was because I wasn’t letting myself be creative. My creativity was coming out in weird ways. I let myself be me, started writing and expressing myself and the desire to actively gather (increase the hoard) diminished so greatly.

To quote Mary Oliver ‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ Be aware, it doesn’t have to be one thing. Why not write a list of possibilities and then start moving towards some of them?

Kitsune

Dear Charlotte:

About my disordered eating: I am 54 and still dealing with it every single… hour, so far. I don’t think ..no, I know not a single hour goes by that I don’t think about food and eating. But I am healing. Healing as a process. Regarding the behaviors I have done: overeating, severe overeating from a very young age. Then binge eating since 2011, that is eating until i bend over in pain and for hours I can’t or couldn’t stand straight, sometimes vomiting. I ate thousands of extra calories in a couple of hours, food after food, going from one fast food or store to another getting this and that and this and that on and on, driven, on autopilot, excited, heart racing… and the misery following. For years I restricted and over exercised. At 5’5” I got as low as 103. For years I kept an average of 108. Every time the scale showed higher- higher than any number, i felt distress. I recorded my weight on a graph for months and months, and a record of what I ate, ounces and calories, months at a time. I went over the calories in the afternoons, tormented by the day’s overeating. I pick up food from anywhere in fear it will go to waste. I have been avoiding picking it from the floor. Have been picking food from trash, wiping every pan, every plate. The misery is unspeakable. There is more, what I wrote here is only some. Oh, and I am so anxious I no longer go to restaurants and attending social party, pot luck occasions is a big problem.

Anyway, I am healing. I have so much to share because I have been dealing with it for so very long. It is very much a personal journey. I wonder if you think some of the behaviors i listed, like eating from the garbage, if you think it is disgusting and you say to yourself: Oh, I do not do THAT so she (the writer here) is crazy.”

In any case, this is a loaded topic. I have a lot to say. I don’t even know where to start and what could possibly be helpful to you. If you think I can be helpful to you, please ask me any questions you would like.

One thing: All or Nothing thinking plays a lot in this and lack of self empathy does as well. That Toxic Inner Critic in YOU is strong as it has been in me and your lack of self empathy is evident as well- and I believe is the key. Only it is a process and not anything that can be taught or passed on by my written word here- it has to be experienced. And it is a long process, I started it in 2011 so I have a bit more of 4 years of therapy.

Ask, if you would like, and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability.
anita