“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” ~Lucille Ball
A few weeks ago I was at a party, and the discussion at one point turned to fitness.
I ventured the opinion that lifting weights was a vital activity for anyone who wants to take care of their health, to which a badly overweight man I didn’t know angrily replied, “Hell no! Lifting weights is just for shallow, insecure bros who can’t feel good about themselves unless they look buff.”
He added, “I don’t work out, because I love myself for who I am and have nothing to prove!” He looked at me quite pointedly as he said this last part. The irony, as you might imagine, was lost on him.
The thing is, I used to be like him. Until my early twenties, I was extremely thin and a chronic under-eater, which can be just as bad as being obese.
I looked like a starving refugee, was frequently sick, and always low on energy. I steadfastly refused to lift weights, eat more than I wanted to, or really do anything to get into shape, on the grounds that being confident and authentic about my own identity required me to refuse to change.
I tried to convince myself that I was really happy.
My attitude changed when I started meeting people who were really into fitness—people who played sports, lifted weights, and had given up fast food and donuts in the pursuit of better health.
What struck me about them was their obvious positivity; they loved themselves and they loved their lives, even as they pursued goals that would dramatically reshape their bodies. That, in turn, inspired me to start taking fitness seriously, and to do so from a place of self-respect and confidence.
The body-positive movement had presented me with a false dichotomy: that either you love yourself and feel no desire to change, or you hate yourself and that motivates you to want to become better.
What I realized was that this wasn’t how successful change works. The people who succeed in any kind of self-improvement, much like my new acquaintance, love themselves right from the start.
Shortly after I started seriously dieting and exercising, I realized that I had made the same mistake in other areas of my life. I wasn’t taking school seriously because I had always been a slacker, and figured I just had to accept that about myself. I was shy and awkward, but I refused to improve my social skills because that’s just who I am, man.
Imagine how you would react if your son or daughter got an F in math class. You wouldn’t mock them for their failure, but neither would you just accept that they’ll never be good at math. Instead, you would sternly push them to do better, and offer to tutor them, and you would do it because you love them and you want only the best for them.
Treat yourself the way you would treat your own child: push yourself to be the best you can, because you love yourself and believe you deserve a great life.
Books and movies tend to all follow the same narrative: protagonist is unhappy, then succeeds at everything, and then lives happily ever after. And yet, if you’ve read the autobiographies of highly successful people, you can see that while they often started out unhappy, they became happy long before they “made it.”
Joan Jett became happy when she became a musician, not when she became a star.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was ecstatic when he won competitions, and he chastised himself when he didn’t meet his own standards. And yet, he was one of the happiest people on Earth from the day he started bodybuilding, long before he was a champion.
We need to always have goals. Once we meet the goals we have, we need to set new ones. And that means we can’t withhold happiness from ourselves as a way of motivating ourselves towards those goals.
Happiness and self-love are not rewards for completing our goals. They are necessary foundations for pursuing our goals.
I love my body, and I’m working to put on twenty more pounds of muscle. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in my career, and I’m working to build a successful business. I love my personality, and I’m also working on becoming a more fun and exciting person to be around.
So remember: love yourself, and choose to be happy. Set high goals for yourself, in all areas of life. Pursue those goals, because you love yourself and believe you deserve an amazing life.
Woman hugging herself image via Shutterstock
About John Fawkes
John Fawkes was told he would have been voted “most changed” at his high school reunion if he hadn’t shown up late. He is a fitness expert who writes about healthy habits, sleep, body hacks, and conquering psychological barriers at JohnFawkes.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
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Thanks John for pointing out self-love (and happiness) comes first, not the other way around. It’s the first step to achieving almost everything in our lives – accepting ourselves for how we are and showing compassion for ourselves as we strive to improve our lives.
I remember my former godmother poking fun at my weight. Not only did she destroy my self-esteem, she was nothing but an opinionated bully. Although I haven’t seen and heard from this woman for more than twenty years, I’m thankful that she isn’t a part of my life anymore, and I refuse to make room for her. Besides, I don’t respect her as a woman.
I was overweight throughout most of my life. I wanted to make some serious changes, so I started walking back and forth everyday for thirty minutes. Also, I changed my eating habits. The weight started to melt off, and I felt better. My self-esteem went through the roof.
My weight has fluctuated throughout the years. I lost twenty seven pounds last year, and have been keeping the weight off ever since. I know that I’m a beautiful person on the inside and outside. People can be entitled to their opinions of me, but it doesn’t matter, because I don’t care what they’re thinking of me.
If you really love yourself, you take good care of your health (your physical, emotional, spiritual health). You don’t neglect your body: you nurture and protect it, but not for esthetic reasons, not in order to “fit” into media standards; just to be healthy and to enjoy life to its full.
There is a thread of judgement in this article that seems counterproductive to its intention. It’s in the framing – because this person I encountered does not share my experience of love, that person’s experience must be lost or confused (and certainly not up to par with my more enlightened view).
It sounds like a dedicated fitness plan has brought you some mind/body awareness that benefits you and has been very impactful – enough to motivate you to write articles and set you on a path to being a fitness expert. It is your language for personal growth and that is a beautiful thing that is valuable and worth sharing.
You do not know everyone’s journey.
It actually makes me curious about what you would stand to learn from this person who says that they have self-love, despite your own understanding of it. Perhaps there is no irony in it at all.
A self-reflective story about your discovery that your own physical health is connected to your feelings of internal love and fulfillment is powerful! It can be told without comparing yourself to others.
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This absolutely says it, John: “Happiness and self-love are not rewards for completing our goals. They are necessary foundations for pursuing our goals. ”
Yep!
Thank you for this.
This is so great. And I completely agree. Loving yourself isn’t complacency, it’s knowing you are worthy of great things and taking steps toward your goals because you know you deserve it.
xx Lane
This is a really good point.
This is an excellent point! I am not sure what the authors understanding of body positivity is, but my version is not exclusive to self love, nor is it exclusive to fitness. It is wary of fitness that seeks to pursue thinness at all costs, including ones sense of self worth.
I wonder of this article is trying to present the “should be ” goals as a prerequisite for happiness. I realize it is saying that self-love comes on the journey towards a goal, not achievement of a goal. But not all goals are achieved and being deadset on achieving one can lead to unhappiness.
If an overweight man is truly satisfied with the way his body is and can truly accept himself without lying to himself, then why does he need to change to fit society’s view of what is acceptable? Having goals is good as it gives a sense of purpose and it is good to try to change IF you are unhappy with the way things are. But if you are truly happy with things as they are there is no need to change to meet someone else’s idea of what is perfect.. I may be misunderstanding, but this article seems somewhat focused on body image.
An interesting article that has kicked off an interesting discussion! <3
I have battled multiple eating disorders in the last five years – I am battling one now. I often make the mistake of connecting my weight to my sense of self-worth.
If I lose 10 pounds, I would be more confident
If I could just lose those tires around my tummy, I will become more desirable!
My husband chastises this thought process. He has often pleaded with me to love myself first and not rely on external markers, especially one as shallow as numbers on a scale, to feel better.
I completely agree.
But understanding something in theory and putting it into action are two different beasts.
Anyway, your article has encouraged me to believe in myself first.
Thank you
Kitto
PS: I have friends who don't care about fitness fads and do what they want to do, the opinions of others be damned. I do admire their self-confidence, although, honestly (and this is shameful), even as I am writing this, my ED brain is pinging loud: "But you don't want to become as overweight as them!" EESH…one day at a time, I guess.
That’s a fair point, but it sounds like you’re assuming that this article is meant for everybody. It’s not. There is a large subsegment of the population who assume that any effort towards self-improvement must be motivated by self-hate, and that loving oneself means not wanting to change anything. These are the people I’m trying to help.
If you don’t have that issue, you’re just not the target audience for this article.
I also don’t entirely agree with not comparing myself to others. I believe in not turning life into a competition, certainly, but I want to learn from others, particularly people who have done things that I want to do. In my experience, that’s required analyzing the mentality that lead to their success, and comparing my attitude to theirs.
Man, I’m sorry to hear about your godmother Latrice. She sounds like a real piece of work. In my experience, people who go out of their way to talk trash like that usually have some self-image problem they’re projecting onto themselves.
Glad to hear you cut her out of your life and took steps to make things better. That’s exactly what I’m talking about- giving yourself a better life because you truly believe you deserve one.
It’s not strictly about fitness- I used that as an example because it’s something pretty much everyone can relate to. But the broader point is about the idea that a lot of people have that you have to dislike yourself to want to change.
As for why an overweight guy should lose weight: health. The evidence is clear that being overweight shortens one’s life span and causes a variety of health problems, including a heightened risk of cancer and heart disease, and systemic inflammation. Beyond that, I don’t have any interest in telling people what to find attractive, but I’d very much like for my readers to live long lives.
Exactly! Whenever I write about stuff like this, there are always some people who try to change the subject from health to beauty. I’m not in the business of telling people what to find attractive- I just want to help people be healthy, and beyond that it’s all about living up to your own personal standards.
Whoah- shame to hear about the eating disorders. I’ve know a lot of people who had those- they can be hell, for sure. Thank goodness you have your husband to support you.
The numbers on the scale certainly matter for health reasons, but he’s right that you shouldn’t base your self-worth on that. In cases like this, I think the best thing to do is disassociate yourself somewhat from your body- to think of it as a thing you have, rather than a thing you are, at least until you’re over the eating disorders. If you can do that, and avoiding using physical descriptors when describing yourself, then fitness goes from being a self-image issue to a practical issue around staying healthy.
You’re about John not knowing everyone’s journey, but he’s trying to provide words of encouragement for those that are trying to know their worth. It’s okay to feel good about yourself, and no one can take your accomplishments away from you.
Thank you, John, for your kindness. I shouldn’t be around those that are extremely negative, and would bring people down with their negativity. I accepted the fact that I will NEVER cross paths with my former godmother again, and I’m okay with it. Nobody should have to tolerate disrespect from someone who’s an insecure “know-it-all.”
I understand what you are saying, and I agree to a point, but without goals and accomplishments we do not grow. Therefore, without growth, there is no healthy place fo self love or self esteem that we can function from. Also, I think to say how someone copes with their life is wrong is being very judgmental and narrow minded. We certainly not the same in how our lives began, in the challenges we face or the roads we missed. The man who was happy in his own obese body is no less happy for not having a value you have. I didn’t find this article very accepting or helpful.
I didn’t get what you were trying to convey about self hate being a motivator. In fact, most people I know who self hate aren’t really motivated anyway.
Thats exactly the point I was making. I didn’t say people who change are motivated by self-hate; I said that’s a misconception that people who don’t change have about people who do.
Love this blog…long enough time being the fun of positivity blog. Thank you katie freiling you have helped me to change alot. Thanks A Lot!:))
I agree goals give us a sense of purpose and feed our confidence.
But you shouldn’t have to becerssrulu depend on that to be a happy and confident person