Dear James:
You are stuck in a rut. Online definition of rut: “An uninspired routine or pattern of behavior that one continues unthinkingly or because change is difficult.” Doesn’t it fit your situation? Feeling like you are going crazy and wanting to scream is a reaction to being in a rut. It is comfortable in a sense but driving you crazy at the same time. Being STUCK in a rut or in any situation is not a good place to be in. What can you do to unstuck yourself???
anita

Hi James,

Glad to know that you have a group of close friends whom you see on a regular basis. Have you ever considered seeing a life coach or speaking to a counselor about your fears etc? Here, we can only give you suggestions and all this interaction is solely via “written words”. Perhaps you can try talking to a trained professional in person and that might be better?
In any case, whatever small habits or changes you seek in your life, the effort has to be sustained and sustainable for at least weeks.
I’m thinking maybe you need to modify your thought patterns and that requires some offline help. CBT is a way as suggested earlier and you can pick up a book on this topic at the library. What you described sounds like a self-limiting belief and sabotaging behavior out of fear or lack of confidence etc. There might be other underlying reasons as well from childhood in some people’s cases. What articles have you read on here?

Best,
A

Hi James. In your post on June 7th you said two things that gave me a clue as to why you are stuck. You said you are afraid to play Warmachine because you might lose and also you said you get very stressed out at things not going well. Both of these are signs of “Perfectionism”. I’ve had this problem for many years and it can be paralyzing. It keeps you stuck because you procrastinate on or fear taking a risk. The fear of it not turning out perfectly keeps you from even trying. I’ve made some progress in my own life by realizing that no matter how hard we wish or in spite of our best efforts, events are not always going to turn out the way we want. If this sounds like you I would recommend doing some research on perfectionism. Hope this helps!
Jim

Hi

Have you read these two articles yet?

50 Ways to Open Your World to New Possibilities

That Horrible Job You Hate Might Just Change Your Life

Have a read and tell me what you think.

and Have you spoken to a life coach before?

Best,
Aurora

Hi James

For a moment I thought you were my younger self having accessed a time machine, and I was worried that if I replied I might find myself in some weird seventh dimension…

In summary, you seem to be saying, “I don’t know what it is I want, but I know I don’t want this!” The fact is, the majority of people we meet every day feel like this. They just don’t want to admit it to themselves, so they crowd out those thoughts with other things. The difference with you is, you have realized it. And so you have already taken the biggest step towards changing it – simply acknowledging it.

The perfectionism thing is a very common problem – we don’t want to produce something mediocre, because we think others will judge us by it, so we end up producing nothing. I have spent many years trying to overcome it in myself, and even now, it is hard to hit that “Submit” button!

It took me a long time to decide what it was I really wanted out of life, and even longer to get started on it, mostly due to the perfectionism thing. But eventually, once I realized that doing something I wanted to do was always going to better than staying as I was, I started. I wasn’t very good at first, but I stuck at it because I loved it. I’m still nowhere near as good as I would like to be, but I’m better than if I’d never started. Deciding to change your life is hard. But not changing is a decision too.

The first thing to consider is, do you really want to change? I mean, really? Sticking with the status quo has its upsides – familiarity, predictability, simplicity. That’s why so many people do it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of – UNLESS you feel it hurting you, asphyxiating you, drowning you. And, from the tone of your posts, I think it is.

OK, so you know you want to change. What is it that will inspire you? What is it that you would love to do? What is it that, if money was no object, you would do every day anyway?

It can be a difficult question to answer, simply because we are sometimes too close to even see it. So take your time over it. Write down every idea you have. Choose some friends who will give you honest and sensible feedback what they think you are really good at. (Don’t worry about how to make money out of it at this stage – if they say “playing Warmachine” write it down – people make a fortune playing games on Youtube.)

Think back to what you really loved doing as a child. What got you excited? What did you do with yourself in those years when you didn’t even know what money was? Did you draw? Did you breakdance? Did you play sport? Did you put a box on your head and pretend to be a Stormtrooper? Write it all down.

Now look at your list. If you need more ideas, try combining two or more together (a breakdancing Stormtrooper? I’d pay to see that.)
Chances are, there will be two or three items on your list that really fire you up. That give you that burning desire. These will be the ones to focus on.

Unless you were a really unusual kid, I’m guessing your list won’t contain things like, “playing accountants”. So in terms of making a living out of your passion, it may not be obvious at first.

This is where you need to get creative. If it was painting, you could produce your own art, or train as a graphic designer, or an architect, or produce murals, re-spray cars, custom-paint motorcycles, design logos, become a sign-writer. If it was breakdancing, it could be a dance teacher, a fitness instructor, performing arts, kid’s parties. If it was pretending to be a Stormtrooper, well, a guy near me hires himself out doing just that.

Then just start doing it. Whether or not you get paid, and whether or not anyone even sees it. Start. It won’t be perfect. You will want to do it better. Good. That means it matters to you. So do it again.

Now, I’m not going to pretend to you that everything can be turned into a job you can do for a living. Maybe you will just end up doing it for the fun of it. But so what? You will have made your life that bit more enjoyable. And because you enjoy it, you will do it well. And because you do it well, you will be asked to do it more. And then…who knows?

You obviously have a fire smoldering within you, or you would never have written your post on this site. Keep feeding those flames, and you will burn more brightly than you could ever have believed.

James,

I found this page also typing keywords into the search bar in the middle of the night. This sent chills up my spine, because it’s almost verbatim what I’ve been feeling for years now. So, seven years later: how are your 30s going? Did you ever find a way out? Did you find a way to too aching to rip yourself apart from the inside out?

Asking for a friend.