Choose to Be Kind When It’s Easier to Be Snarky

“Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.” ~Ben Franklin

While I was pregnant, a friend told me to prioritize, in this order: self, marriage, kids.

My priorities tend to be backward: kids above all else, maybe a date night once in a while, and self-care only when there’s an important meeting at work, so momma finally makes a point of grooming her eyebrows.

So far, I appreciate the wisdom to try and shift priorities whenever I can. I feel mildly successful at putting marriage first, and it seems to be having rewards.

My hubby and I tenderly call our survival plan “Kind Words and Old Fashioneds.”

Making fancy cocktails isn’t a regular occurrence, and it usually looks more like a splash of bourbon or glass of wine only half drank before dragging ourselves exhaustedly to bed, after putting the baby to sleep.

Parenting is tough on both of us, and methods of relaxation are essential by any means possible. But we try to make kind words a more regular occurrence.

We came up with this simple phrase after I returned to work because I often got frustrated and lashed out at my husband over small things, and ended up feeling guilty.

He could do nine out of ten things right, plus some bonus items I didn’t ask him to do (like paperwork—I detest filling out forms, and it turns out parenting comes with a lot of them), and I would fume about the one thing he didn’t get to.

We can’t take out our stress on our children, our pets, our co-workers, or our in-laws; so oftentimes, the brunt of it falls on our partner.

I would get agitated and do the dishes “for the umpteenth time this week” or be the “only person in this house” to fill the cat’s water bowl.

In uttering snarky words, I may have vented some frustration in the middle of a long week, but I usually felt guilty after seeing my husband’s wounded look when my words got too unkind.

One time, when I was apologizing, I realized I would rather be saying kind words out of appreciation for the amazing partner and wonderful father he has turned out to be. So, that turned into my New Year’s resolution: kill the snark and choose kind words whenever possible!

It’s a tough thing to practice, but it embodies most of what I envision a healthy marriage to be.

After years of attempting to play the piano, I know practice doesn’t make perfect, but perseverance and persistence sure do help.

Seeing my husband smile makes me smile. Kind words make that happen more than mean ones. That can seem like an obvious statement, but the proof is in the pudding.

We have to work on being the best versions of ourselves, and that can be tough when juggling so many competing priorities.

We have to measure our work in inch pebbles rather than milestones, and that can seem less motivating.

We have to practice the things most vital to our survival, and sometimes that means digging deep to find that last kernel of patience. We have to choose kindness over wrath, warmth over brusqueness, love over stress. That and Old Fashioneds seem to make for a happier marriage. At least, that’s what I’m learning as a new parent.

In the midst of all this, I got my husband to paint our powder room. I chose lime green and he put it on the walls. It’s a little bit hideous, but I love it.

A family member gave us a large canvas that covers a part of one of the walls, and it fits perfectly in this brightly colored little nook of our house. On it, gold sparkles spell out the words we sang at our wedding, “All you need is love.”

Perhaps it’s a quaint notion, but it’s a great reminder to choose kindness.

Finger art couple image via Shutterstock

About Nina Ivory

Nina Ivory grew up in the woods of western Pennsylvania, followed by ten years in New York City. She married her high-school sweetheart, and the two currently live in Philadelphia, raising their eight-month old son.

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