Hi Ashley,

I always say, “You can’t argue with crazy”. The father is crazy. Not right in the head. Has some personality disorder. Needs meds.

If you continue to be with the boyfriend keep your world and the father’s world totally separate. Tell BF, “BF, if you get an email or phone call or face to face with father, and he says something bad about me, I don’t want to hear it or know about it.” If there is a wedding, graduation, etc. it would be better for you not to be there. I know this isn’t fair. But it would make your life simpler.

However, if you and BF marry, that is a different story. Again, BF shouldn’t tell you anything bad the father says. If you have children, he should not see the grandchildren. And have holidays elsewhere. BUT, as his wife you SHOULD go to weddings and graduations. And hold your head up. And not speak to him. And use every buffer and social nuance not to be cornered by this abuser. And your BF, now Husband should stand up to his dad.

You have to now make the decision for yourself. Is this the kind of guy you would want to marry? Is your BF the kind of guy you can love AND respect? Maybe you should move out so you won’t be constantly disrespected. I know he’s been through hell, but he is a weak person for letting this happen, not shielding you, and not protecting your heart.

I know this is hard to hear, but it must be even harder to live with.

I love your posts, website, and help. I really want you to succeed in everything! And have a relationship worthy of you!!

All the Best,

Inky

Hey Ashley,

I’ve always enjoyed your posts and I am sorry to hear about the stress that you are going through. With your bf’s father, he is someone who abandoned his kids and still be prioritised by them which really says a lot about that dynamic. Like you said, your bf is still caught in being that abandoned little boy looking for his father’s approval and it’s hard to go against something as deep seeded as that.

To be honest it sounds like you have done all you can about this and the only decision left is to decide what you are going to do if neither your bf of his dad will change his behaviour? If you two get married and have kids, can you stand being the object of ridicule or just be excluded entirely in family gathers? More importantly, how does it make you feel when your partner doesn’t stand up for you even though he’s promised to? Does your love for him out weigh those feelings?

My suggestion is to take a week off and remove yourself from that environment before making a final call. Go for a hike in the forest and don’t think about it to give your mind a break so that the voice of your intuition can come through. The decision you are about to make should not be based on logic alone so let your heart speak and see where it takes you.