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Mother Daughter relationships

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  • February 18, 2015 at 6:54 pm #72981
    Jewel
    Participant

    My relationship with my Mom isn’t a bad one but I feel as though it could be greatly improved. It is strained.
    My mom chooses to communicate by asking 101 questions on the same topic. Even if I don’t know the answer -which I would have stated previously, she will keep asking.
    I think this might be her way of just wanting to talk with me. But, I find it extremely frustrating and therefore I tend to keep information about my life to myself because I would rather avoid the chance of getting frustrated with all the questions – which turns into an argument and her feelings are hurt. Neither of us are happy then.
    My mother and I are both very sensitive individuals and we tend to over think a lot of things. For example, past conversations (long after they are over) – not necessarily with each other but other individuals. Naturally this plays a role in our relationship. When I happen to open up to my mom about things in my life, or a close friends – days later (when I’ve moved past the topic or I no longer want to concern myself with it) she brings it back up because she is concerned about something I said.
    I look at the relationships some of my friends have with their mom’s and they are friendly with each other – there seems to be a connection that my mom and I are missing. I hate it. I want so much for my mom to be my friend, best friend, the one I Want to speak with and have everyday conversations with because I WANT to. Right now, it feels exhausting. I hate saying that because my mother is a beautiful woman. She is strong, kind hearted, loyal… So many other great qualities.
    Most importantly, I don’t ever want to have regrets about our relationship. One thing I remember my mom saying a while after my grandmother (her mom) passed away was that while she missed her dearly but she didn’t mourn her because she had no regrets with their relationship. They had an amazing relationship – loving, caring. My mom made a point to tell my Nan just how much she appreciated her – especially with 7 other siblings. How much she was valued and loved. I want to have this with my mom – she wants it with me, but neither of us can communicate to the other what it is we NEED from each other.
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    February 19, 2015 at 6:40 am #72993
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi jul17,

    There are a few things you can try.

    One is Radical Acceptance. Expect her to ask 101 questions. In fact, if you are free enough to have a beer with your mom, you can make it a drinking game. For every question, drink. Or, for every question, have a bite of food. Then you can joke about it with your friends. 🙂

    Another tactic is to ask her a question for every question she asks you. You can be subtle about this. Like, “OH!! I forgot to ask you what do you think of (blank)?” or “What would you do?” or “Well, I don’t know, but what do you think of option A and option B?”

    The other is the 15 minute time limit. Anyone can do anything for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, if you say over the phone or in person, “I’ve got to run”, or “I have to make a phone call, sorry!” or excuse yourself to the bathroom, she will have still had her “fix”.

    Lastly, space out your phone calls and visitations. If you live at home, be out of the house more. i.e. Go to the library to get your school work done. Appear to go to bed early. Or excuse yourself because you have tons of work to do.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    February 19, 2015 at 7:07 am #72995
    Shohini
    Participant

    Hey, I understand what you are talking about. However, in my view, I feel being honest while communicating is the best way in any form of relationship,especially when we talk about long lasting(permanent)ones such as family, close friends, siblings, spouses etc. Trust me it helps. Be polite, be compassionate and tell her that too many questions is not really cool. You could put it jokingly too. I do that with my mum!! 🙂 That gives you room to repeat the subtle jokes.
    I consider us to be lucky that we have our Moms with us, and there are a zillion unfortunate souls who only wish for having someone that would care as much for them( in anyway possible). May be if U and I keep that in mind as a constant factor, we will find our own subtle ways of striking conversations, or spending time with her. Lets say, doing activities with her such as shopping or watching movies, would involve her participation. That way she might want to talk about how she feels, instead of constantly asking you questions.I may be incorrect, but, from the query posted it seems that the two of you don’t get to spend time together, or give each other company. Give this a shot, lets say once every week step out with her and accompany her for her spa rituals.
    Just don’t worry! 🙂

    March 6, 2015 at 12:18 pm #73643
    Jewel
    Participant

    Thank you both, very much for your advice. Things are improving and taking advice from both of you has certainly helped. I think the key was and is to spend more time with each other – that way it doesn’t feel like such a rush to ask everything and know everything.

    I appreciate your help @Inky and @Shohini. Thank you!

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