“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” ~Alexander Pope
Growing up, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother. We did all the usual mother-daughter things together—went shopping, had brunch—and we supported each other when my father left.
In 2011, I was happily pregnant. I felt supported by my family and ready to take on motherhood. My husband and I were elated by the birth of our little boy.
It’s fair to say that I may have been a little naïve about what was to come. I knew it would be hard work, but I didn’t quite realize how hard.
The other expectation I had was ongoing support from my family. You know, the kind of situation where family (both parents and siblings) rally around you to welcome a new little person into the world. The kind of situation where there are regular visits and an influx of babysitting offers.
In particular, I expected the bond with my mother to strengthen—because in my mind, having your first child is the time when you are deeply supported by your mother. What happened next fell entirely short of what I had imagined life to be like post-baby. I was utterly disappointed.
I felt blessed for the birth of my little boy but resentful for the lack of support from my family.
You see, although my little boy was healthy in the most important ways, he was a screamer. He was diagnosed with severe acid reflux, and we endured an extremely unsettled baby (and toddler) for the first eighteen months.
My husband and I didn’t sleep for more than two hours per night (on shifts) for the first four months, and it improved only marginally from there. There were feelings of despair, helplessness, and confusion as we paced the floors trying to help our little boy.
At first, my mother stayed with us in our house and helped us tirelessly. But at month four she relocated overseas. By this time, I felt disillusioned by the experience of having an unsettled baby, and disappointed that what was supposed to be a beautiful time had become somewhat negative and relentless.
Looking back, I realize expectations played a huge part in my disappointment.
I had expected a blissful experience—picnics in the park with my (sleeping) newborn! My disappointment was closely linked to my expectations of how it would be, with my baby, and with support from my family.
Had I not expected a certain outcome, I would not have felt so low about what occurred. Had I been more open-minded about what may eventuate, I may not have felt abandoned and resentful at a time when I needed the most help.
My little boy is now healthy, happy, and three. Granny has moved back to this side of the world, and she visits weekly. There is still minimal involvement in comparison to the vision in my head, but I have come to terms with it. Acceptance is liberating sometimes.
The following philosophies have helped me to be more at peace with my own feelings, and you may find them helpful when facing disappointments in your world too.
You have the right to feel what you feel.
So don’t ignore your feelings of disappointment. But try to obtain a renewed sense of the other person’s perspective.
We all have different expectations.
Most people are inherently good. They are on their own journey, and although disappointment can feel personal, it’s often not. The other person’s expectations are simply different to yours.
Disappointments aren’t always all bad.
What may seem like a challenge may be a blessing in disguise—or a blessing in waiting; it may only be a matter of time before you recognize that your disappointment is actually the universe working its magic for you. For example, my challenging start with my first born has led me to support other mothers through their own hard times.
It helps to shift your focus.
Resolve to do things that bring you joy. Focus on what is new and good, start manifesting, and leave those disappointing thoughts behind.
It will pass.
No matter how deeply you are disappointed, in time you will move through the feeling.
Weed out the people who consistently disappoint you.
Be mindful of people who regularly disappoint you or let you down, and make more time for those who don’t. Maintain a positive sense of yourself through happy relationships with people who are uplifting and energizing.
We’re all on our own paths (even grannies). We have our own lives to live, our own choices to make, our own wishes and wants, and our own free will.
Our closest connections can’t be expected to live on our terms, or to live inside the box we have created for them in our minds. So release your disappointment and get ready for the next adventure the universe will send your way.
Disappointed woman image via Shutterstock
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
We can only be disappointed, mad, unhappy, when we choose to let ourselves be that way. We can choose to learn to focus on the positives. It is much easier, of course, to focus on the negative, but the hard work that comes from a mind shift to allow us to cope and move on to the positives make us better people in the end. Thank you for your post. It is truly inspirational.
I guess since my “baby” is 27, I would also suggest not having what I call “the story” in your head as your child grows up. They will have talents and interests, and many parents start to plan their child’s future. The little league star becomes a future MLB prospect or the math whiz with certainly want to aim for MIT, right?
Parents set themselves up for giant disappointments when they create these expectations for their children. Then the child feels pressure to be what you want them to be instead of what they want to be.
I find it often difficult to maintain healthy boundaries, e.g. Standing up for what’s right for yourself/ how you feel you deserve to be treated. While simultaneously attempting to exercise patience and understanding of others differences. It’s a tricky balancing act. Because you don’t want to accept less than what you feel you deserve, despite that what you think you deserve may be unrealistic due to the individual you are interacting with.
An insight just in time when i need it.. Buddha reads my mind whenever
I’m down somehow i get support immediately through these topics which
helps me come out those emotion hurdles
Thanks Ms.Yvette Lee-Archer
That’s so great Niyata- I love when you read exactly what you need at the right time. Sending positive vibes to you in overcoming your hurdles 🙂
I completely agree with this C. It’s something I find rather challenging myself- trying to work out where I draw my line. I think you just have to go with your intuition and feeling about each situation, and then stand up for yourself when you feel it’s right. Children also model our behaviors and so that’s another great reason to stand up for yourself and how you deserve to be treated. It doesn’t mean the other person is going to change, but at least it has been voiced. You’re right, it’s a tricky balancing act indeed!
Thank you very much for your kind words. I’ve found that making a choice to focus on the positives is so important for your own wellbeing, and for the wellbeing of your family. You’re right in saying sometimes it’s easier to focus on the negative in a situation and get yourself down. Staying on track with positive aspects attracts more positivity, but we are all human and so some days are better than others!
This is such a great point Katydid. The ‘story’ in your head can keep on going for years! It’s so important to allow children to be themselves, choose their own path, and live their life lessons. My boy is only little right now, so I will definitely be keeping your advice in mind as he grows- thanks!
I tend to have trouble managing my expectations. They tend to be too high and result in disappointment more often than not. I always try to check my expectations and see if they really are too unrealistic.
Yep, totally. I’m struggling with this in my relationship. I’m essentially constantly feeling disappointed. I know a lot of it is my expectations, but some of my expectations are healthy (having my boyfriend actually available to spend time with me), and so I feel like I’m constantly walking this tightrope of trying to let go of many expectations but also allowing myself to understand what the expectations mean about what I want in a relationship, and letting that give me the strength to let him go.
True, but sometimes being uncomfortable gives us the impetus to leave a situation that isn’t working well for us. (i.e. expecting a partner to be there for us when they aren’t capable of that.)
Disappointments come with the game. The game of life. My son has been disappointing for 21 years. Came into the world with issues and has never been easy. HIs brother came along 3 yrs later. Some of the same dam issues. Except with Aspergers Too. And neither is kind and caring. Al this without parents to help. It all went down hill from there. Couldn’t make friends as I felt like they were rejects, then I felt like a reject. People don’t want to hear your shit. Therapists listened and missed the boat. In laws got sick and died. Nothing ever got better. Finally found the Lord, and that didn’t happen in a pretty way either. It had to get even uglier before I got it. Still getting it. It’s a process, and I have to remind myself we all have a unique reason to be here. Challenges make you who you are. I pray everyday for what I Have. And I never did that before.
You make it sound like its your childrens fault. You cant blame someone for having a condition. You really think you children are doing this deliberately? Dont judge someone because they have different obstacles than you do. In fact if hey didnt have their condition they wouldnt be like that. And when you say not kind or caring. Well yeah they have a disability. Your supposed to be there for THEM. not the opposite way round. And besides having a disability is hard enough, especially with them being misunderstood by people like you. Chill. Your doing your absolute best. And thats all anyone can ask for. Seeing is different from knowing. And also we all have different expectations, imo things never ever go the way we expect them to. We get so carried away in what could be, that we forget about what is actually happening right this INSTANCE, RIGHT NOW. imagine a picture of a timeline and you putting your thoughts into the now. All your thoughts are about the now. Not tomorrow. Now. Stop worrying about what could go wrong. Sometimes thinking more than we should do actually surprisingly does less and not more. We have to do more and think less. And of course stop putting unrealistic expectations on people. It is what it is. Whatever happens is what will happen.
Bless your heart! My first baby had the same thing but diagnosis took forever – we switched him from breast milk to formula, then non-dairy, then high protein, then low iron goat’s milk before we found ‘the formula’ that worked best. Still he had spells of screaming in pain sometimes and when we stumbled upon ‘acid reflux’ as the culprit, even the drops they gave him didn’t help. After the first two months enduring 2 hours sleep a night, we found out quite by accident that putting him in the car and riding around would calm the acid reflux. So, after feeding, we would ‘take a ride’ for up to an hour, and return home with a sleeping baby. There were still some nights when he would have long episodes of pain and on those nights we literally drove for 4 hours each on the beltway before returning home to switch drivers, but we each got 4 hours sleep! AND having a car that got 34 mpg helped the pocketbook. At 6 months it finally lessened and subsided completely by 8 months, and life felt grand. But we had no support system from our family through the whole ordeal and all expectations we ever had about being wonderful parents were shattered like glass before our son was a month old. Still, it was a blessing, because I was so grateful when my son wasn’t in pain anymore, that every day seemed like a miracle, and I learned early on to accept him for exactly who he is, nothing more, nothing less. Baby number 2 came along 7 years later and my stamina was in place to endure the worst, but he had no digestive problems at all, instead he decided to pitch temper tantrums starting at 18 months. I guess God knew I could handle screamers cause I’ve endured the best ot them! Take care and thanks for sharing.