unable to escape a prison i have built around myself

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 2 months ago by Ben.

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February 7, 2015 at 6:38 pm #72491

Ben
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I suppose I forgot to mention that I’m also living out in the middle of nowhere right now, and have done all my life (I have yet to leave home, but I hope to do so later on in the year). Most of the time it is just me and my retired dad so I see him a lot and very few other people. I cannot drive as I don’t particularly want to, yet it is a conflicting feeling because I would be able to get around a hell of a lot more if I could. But I enjoy living without one, seeing the kind of stress and mental demand they can bring about. But I feel very isolated, and with a lot of my work being based on the internet I pretty much all my time in my room, and it becomes my safe haven when I’ve been away from home for a long period of time, which I’m not keen on. I don’t quite like the attachment I have to it, but I know it’s understandable. I just need to move out so I can built a brand new space. I learned the benefits of that living at uni for three years.

Anyway, yeah.

February 7, 2015 at 10:05 pm #72493

Anonymous
Inactive

Well frankly speaking, i have kinda been in some of your states- the social, mildly obbsessive, meditation, substance abuse except drugs nd the anxiety. The truth is, right now i have stopped judging my life so much – it is what it is and i am what i am. Sometimes we need to let go of trying to be and let our stronger selves take over – which means, whatever you are doing – for once, drop it all, the music, the phone and really observe your sorroundings – ask yourself what you really need to stay in balance – you cant open up to open when deep down, you have allowed yourself to loathe yourself and are terrified if they will think something is wrong with you. Not really. They are mostly 98% of the time thinking about their life than you. I do believe in one thing though – the effect of mind-body connection – ask yourself if indeed your body is healthy – are you exercising, bathing regularly and eating better? Are you making the effort to leave the house once a day and enjoying some sunshine. Staying cooped up isnt good for anybody. I live alone, have less friends nearby and i decided instead of using labels like sad loser, just focus on being busy, go outside and make positive life changes like my health. People will come and go but you will have yourself throughout. Its easy to fall into that rut of hating oneself and not doing anything to perpetuate the self loathing. I did it for years and now, i am trying to let it go – its okay if you are not perfect, its okay if you sometimes feel no one likes you but dont believe all your thoughts. When i get real low, i either call a friend or read my old letters- the ones i wrote to myself when i was feeling strong and confident. Sometimes we all have bad days, feel terrible but life goes on. Apologies for the ramble, i guess i wasnt looking to give advice, just share my journey a bit. Hope the others have good inputs to add

February 8, 2015 at 5:29 am #72494
Inky
Participant
Hi Longfall,

We aren’t doctors, so we can’t label you or help you in that regard.

I’ll say a few thoughts. They won’t solve everything, but they might solve something.

First is, I commend you on trying a Vegan diet! Sadly, we can’t live that way forever (hence your craving for cheese). Our brains run on protein. I don’t care if it’s an egg or a nip of cheese, if you don’t get some animal protein in you, it will only make your brain worse, and thus, anything that ails you worse. Just my experience and opine!

Another thought is: You owe it to yourself and your father to get a license! Your dad’s at the age where random and not so random health issues or emergencies could theoretically plague him. Who will drive him to doctors appointments if you can’t? God forbid he dies, what would you do?

The social stuff: We are all either introverts or extroverts, and a smattering of personality types. It’s in your nature to be quiet around a large group of people, and that’s OK. The rest is a choice and habits. It’s good you have strategies and phrases to get you through. I know it’s uncomfortable. I KNOW. (Oh, boy, do I know!) So don’t beat yourself up.

Do try to get in a regular sleep pattern and interact with other people once a day so you don’t get “weird” (as one friend pointed out to me in my hermit phase!)

Blessings,

Inky
http://www.suburbanmystic.typepad.com
- This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
February 8, 2015 at 7:22 am #72498

Inky
Participant

Edit: If you’re giving up meat, AND grains, AND dairy, you won’t last long. Give up two, but not three. Protein, protein, protein.

February 9, 2015 at 8:59 am #72537

Ashley Arcel
Participant

Hi Longfall,

Thanks for your post! I admire your ability to be open and honest about what is troubling you. It seems to me that a good portion of what you are going through is simply developing into an adult and sort of shifting out of the last phase of your life. It’s an uncomfortable time and it’s made more uncomfortable, in your situation, due to your relative isolation. Does it appeal to you at all to join a group of some type (you mentioned video games so maybe you would enjoy the gaming community?) in order to sort of get out of your own head and meet new people? During difficult times in my life, I’ve found this to be one of the most difficult but one of the most rewarding things. Every issue is magnified when we are entirely alone with it and, although you certainly don’t need to tell this new group about what you’ve been experiencing if that makes you uncomfortable, I do believe it would be helpful and uplifting for you to shake up your routine a bit.

I also agree with what Inky said about your diet – don’t deprive yourself of TOO much. A healthy diet doesn’t always mean cutting out gluten, dairy and sugars but rather, eating them in moderation and in whole, unrefined forms. Get a license and enjoy the independence that provides and touch base again to let us know how you are doing. All my best,

Ashley

February 14, 2015 at 2:26 am #72741

Ben
Participant

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all sincerely for replying to me. All three of you have touched me deeply and I cannot express my gratitude enough as to how much you have helped me already.

I am feeling a lot better at the moment. I’m still very aware of these ailments, but it is nowhere near as intense. I can at least keep it together now.

I have applied for a provisional driving license for the first step, with hopes of eventually getting lessons. Thank you for that encouragement, Inky and Ashley.

Moongal when I read your comment for the first time, I was deeply encouraged to go on a long walk that instant, and I felt incredible for it. You are absolutely right that you need to be kind to yourself and ensure you get enough outside time. I knew this, I always have done, I just forgot for the longest time, and I think not wanting to go out only makes things work, makes me more nervous, more shy, more agoraphobic.

I think you are right, Inky and Ashley, concerning diet also. I’m not being quite as indecisive about my consumption of dairy. Though I don’t really have dairy milk, I certainly have cheese, and I will continue to do so. Anyway, I shan’t ramble on about that anymore.

But sincerely, deeply, honestly, I thank all three of you for responding to my cries with such delicacy and kindness. Today, I feel I am gradually on a road back to ‘recovering’.

Take care
Ben
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