“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.
“Stop the world, I want to get off!” I felt like screaming this phrase at the top of my lungs during a difficult period of my life. Obviously, stepping off terra firma into outer space was not an option; what I desperately needed was to be free of chronic fatigue, stress, anxiety, and negative emotions and behaviors.
Sleepless nights spent rehashing painful events past and present also needed to end.
Leading up to this period, I had struggled through a lengthy and emotional divorce proceeding and, along with my children, had been dealing with the aftermath of betrayal. Circumstances leading to the divorce from my husband dictated that I be the primary custodian of our children even though we shared joint custody.
I had been a stay-at-home mom but now needed to return to work. I found a full-time job with flexible hours, and things were going fairly well. I was determined to make the best of this new life.
And then my ex-husband took my son away—something so painful for me at the time that I could barely breathe. My youngest son was persuaded by his father to move out of my home to live full-time with him.
The only consolation was that we lived in the same small town. I wasn’t prepared for this move and the potential implications. Then came another blow—my ex-husband took my son and moved out of town.
In the face of another loss and what would become estrangement from my son, I filled with resentment. I used up tremendous amounts of energy trying to keep my emotions under control.
Angry actions and words burst forth randomly. Before long, resentment grew into an ugly root of bitterness. I didn’t understand this metamorphosis or my inability to contain my anger.
Bitterness is characterized by intense antagonism or hostility. It is toxic, self-destructive, and hurtful to others in our sphere. If the root is not cut out, it will spread and choke joy and contentment right out of our lives.
You can unintentionally make yourself bitter in various ways:
Stuffing it
Following a hurtful experience, we move on without resolution, determined to leave it in the past. We decide to suffer in silence. We may even tell ourselves we don’t care. Resentment builds and beckons bitterness.
Wallowing in it
We can choose to nurture the pain of an offense, allowing it to fester into a giant open wound. We make sure that others realize we have been deeply wounded. This victim mentality oozes bitterness.
Hanging on to it
It’s possible that the offending party has asked for forgiveness. If our response was a mere, “Okay,” or a less-than-heartfelt (lame), “I forgive you,” the door to bitterness is propped open by resentment and an unwillingness to let go.
All these behaviors are poison to the soul.
How to know if you have morphed into a bitter old biddy:
1. You exhibit undesirable behaviors such as impatience, caustic comments, cynicism, a judgmental attitude, and a lack of compassion.
2. You realize that your behaviors are hurting those around you. Bitterness will inevitably rise to the top of our resentment pots and spill out all over undeserving bystanders.
3. You re-live past hurts, keeping old issues alive; you fantasize about how things could have played out differently and picture the offender getting what he/she deserves.
When I examined my behaviors and thoughts, I realized that I desperately did not want to be the bitter, angry person I had become.
How it’s possible to forgive people when you have been devastated by their actions:
Forgiving can seem like a big hurdle to jump. You may rather hold on to an old wound and refuse to forgive because the offender doesn’t deserve it, has not sought forgiveness, or demonstrated remorse. We can always find justification for refusing to forgive.
An alternative is to pursue the process of letting go of the grievance. Perhaps you come to realize you played a part in what happened. Or you may develop a degree of compassion for the offender if you objectively consider their point of view.
If there is absolutely no justification for what happened, you may take pity on a person who is so emotionally bankrupt that they willingly hurt others.
It is a process and will take time, but the act of letting go in order to forgive is essential to your well-being.
I would encourage you to count the cost of withholding forgiveness and then consider the following truths:
1. Forgiveness is intentional, not a feeling born out of emotion, but rather a firm, once-and-for-all commitment. Waiting until you feel like forgiving or until you receive a request for forgiveness may never happen. It’s up to you.
2. Forgiveness doesn’t hinge on the subsequent behavior of the offender. When we suffer a wrong, we choose to forgive and live in the freedom of forgiveness, or we refuse to forgive and live in bondage to bitterness.
Maya Angelou once said: “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”
I chose forgiveness. I listed the still hurtful offenses of my ex-husband and one by one sincerely forgave him for each act. A heaviness that had been lingering over my soul lifted. It was liberating. Before long, I began to feel good about myself again.
How you can navigate the storms in your life by cultivating a constant attitude of forgiveness:
Maintain a few helpful ground rules:
1. Try to forgive minor offenses by the time your head hits the pillow at the end of each day.
2. If you have a mental list of unresolved past grievances, consider each one and forgive those involved.
3. Choose to forgive without waiting for an apology. It also helps to remember times when someone forgave you—it’s humbling.
4. Don’t allow your mind to dwell on previously forgiven offenses; you risk opening the door to resentment and bitterness a second time.
You can experience the rich rewards of forgiveness.
A forgiving attitude allows you to soar above painful memories and live life fully in the present.
You will experience increased authenticity in friendships and more joy, intimacy, and fulfillment in close relationships.
Guard these rewards carefully—no matter how deeply you are hurt or offended, do not allow bitterness the opportunity to take root within you.
Woman in field image via Shutterstock
About Jilliann Woods
Jilliann Woods writes for women subjected to abusive relationships who desire to successfully take control of their lives. With knowledge grounded in personal experience, she offers practical steps to understanding vulnerability to abuse and how to make healthy choices in order to break free. For more information and resources: betterchoicesinlove.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Jilliann
Thank you for sharing your story with us. What you experienced would be highly emotional for any one…I don’t have children, but as someone very in touch with my feelings, I can imagine the intensity of the emotions evoked by a situation such as this would feel overwhelming at times.
I think this article will be really helpful for a lot of people because most of us are not very well-versed in the art of forgiveness. We all know nobody is perfect, but when the transgressions are against us personally, that sort of wisdom can be buried very deeply quite quickly. I like a couple of the points you brought up in particular. The first being about the act of forgiving not hinging on the subsequent behavior–we often withhold forgiveness because someone doesn’t seem worthy of being forgiven, but if we can remember it is all about healing ourselves it doesn’t matter.
And thinking of the times when we were forgiven can be a nice reminder of the whole ‘no one is perfect.’ thing. Thinking about what we have done wrong and how we are generally a good person, how we were motivated to do whatever we did wrong by some sort of pain or other negative emotion within, and how it ultimately had nothing to do with anyone but us, can help us empathize a bit more with other people.
Great post!
Jillian’s listed website, betterchoicesinlove.com, has nothing in it. Is she planning on filling it or does she have a different website?
thanks for sharing your painful experiences with us all
I sometimes get stuck between the two paths, one of forgiveness and the other of calling that other person to account
my guru often says i am stuck in the power struggle
i have also done inner child work and from that perspective telling the other person how you don’t like what is going on is ok & necessary, and how you (after a lot of thought) will put a boundary around that issue in future is also quite tricky
there are lots of sides to this
one of the recurring things is : that what “goes around, comes around” , with my ex
and we have the same issues time and again
and as children get older they like to put their 2 cents worth in too
my guru always comes back with one must start with validating the others position genuinely , which is often hard and then checking if that is how they see it
and then empathising – very hard with someone who can’t do that for you
problem is my wounded child (WC) sees from within me that behavior as a betrayal
I have to struggle mightliy (and often fail) to hold that hurt within and take care of WC’s hurt,
and the barriers to the same situation arising again are often ineffective (she does whatever it is again to me – usually not including me in salient c0-parenting information)
and my inner critic does me in from multiple sides at once !
always forgive yourself, and hold yourself dear, and give yourself unconditional love
good luck, patience and lots of love
One question. I have forgiven someone but when they wanted to have lunch with me I refused. I didn’t want to be caught up again in their “story.” I didn’t trust them anymore. I miss them but there were always “surprises of “untruths ” coming out of them and I don’t want to go back to listening to them. So, when you forgive, is it wrong to still cut face to face ties with the person?
Hi Kelli
I appreciate your thoughtful comments and insight. Thanks for sharing that a couple of the points stood out to you. The subsequent behavior aspect was a real challenge for me in my journey. All the best ~
Hey Marsha
I’m glad to hear from you. My response to your question is that sometimes we have to make healthy choices that include letting a relationship in our lives go. If that person ever has a fundamental change of heart and behavior that would be wonderful. In the meantime I believe we should move on – without guilt. Hope this helps ~
Hello Chrism
You have shared some very painful circumstances in your life. I am hoping that as you work to forgive and speak the truth in kindness, that forgiveness and kindness will be shown to you as well. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Take care ~
I find it hard to actively forgive people, that I dont see enough redeeming qualities in, or any remorse.. In those cases the best I can do, is quit focusing on the negative of what they did to me , and choose to focus on the positives in my life and my gratitude for them. The more time passes the less relevant they become. So rather than forgiving them Ive forgotton them. I really believe in the power of positive energy and feel everyone has to find a way to gain their peace of mind and not becone consumed with hate.
How do you forgive someone who betrays you repeatedly, and keeps cutting into you like a knife with emotional cruelty and words that wound?even after you keep forgiving him? Im drained and emotionally and physically exhausted. I want to rid my life of him so that I dont have to keep forgiving snd reliving his emotional cruelty and apathy. But i dont know how. He is the dad of my 3 year. How do I do this? I feel trapped. I can’t sleep. Im consumed by this toxic person.
I hear you about this.
What has helped me is remembering that continuing to spend time with her is the emotional equivalent of ripping off a scab.
If I don’t leave it / her alone, not only will the wound never heal, but I’ll be left with a horrible scar.
I have a hard time forgiving my father for what he has done to me in the past. He has hurt me in indescribable ways by fear mongering me into making decisions. I hate him for it and I feel so paralyzed by this event. I was in university doing a program I had very little interest in and knew that sinking feeling in my gut that it would not serve me well. However my parents insisted I take this route because I had to finish my last year. It was so gut wrenching, depressing, and soul robbing that I wanted to kill myself. Yeah sure, people may say education is good but in my own personal experience it is not this fairytale fantasy you expect it to be. You learn very little about life and very little about well…anything. I am still mad at my Dad for forcing me to go to school, something I did not want to commit to but forced myself to do anways. How do I forgive this person in my life?